Queer as Folk s05e02 Episode Script
Back in Business
It all seems to be coming together.
No glitches that I can foresee.
It all seems to be coming together.
No glitches that I can foresee.
Everything looks good.
Everything looks good.
The lease has been signed, The lease has been signed, liquor licence has been transferred into the name of Kinnetic Corp.
liquor licence has been transferred into the name of Kinnetic Corp.
You've got enough insurance You've got enough insurance that if someone so much as sneezes you're protected.
that if someone so much as sneezes you're protected.
In short, the joint's all yours.
In short, the joint's all yours.
Theodore, you are a marvel.
Theodore, you are a marvel.
Although when I said, "Go buy yourself a new toy," Although when I said, "Go buy yourself a new toy," this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind.
this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind.
It says on the box, "Appropriate for boys ages 19 to 30," It says on the box, "Appropriate for boys ages 19 to 30," so stop fretting, Mother - I can afford it.
so stop fretting, Mother - I can afford it.
Are you sure we can afford it? Are you sure we can afford it? We did the math a dozen times.
We did the math a dozen times.
Even without the movie we each have enough income.
Even without the movie we each have enough income.
Plus the money we've saved.
Plus the money we've saved.
I just need some reassurance.
I just need some reassurance.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's that? How's that? I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.
I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.
All the back room needs is a fresh coat of black paint All the back room needs is a fresh coat of black paint and a condom dispenser.
and a condom dispenser.
What about pink walls with a sky-blue ceiling What about pink walls with a sky-blue ceiling and white fluffy clouds for the baby's room? and white fluffy clouds for the baby's room? TED: It's amazing how with a few simple touches TED: It's amazing how with a few simple touches you can turn a tired old room into a fresh and inviting space.
you can turn a tired old room into a fresh and inviting space.
Or we could wallpaper.
Or we could wallpaper.
Remember how Monte and Ely had their kids' room Remember how Monte and Ely had their kids' room wallpapered with Disney characters? wallpapered with Disney characters? And get a cleaning crew in here And get a cleaning crew in here to jackhammer the dried come off the floor.
to jackhammer the dried come off the floor.
Half of it's probably yours.
Half of it's probably yours.
With all this space, at least we won't be on top of each other.
With all this space, at least we won't be on top of each other.
Unless we choose to be.
Unless we choose to be.
BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.
BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.
Friday? This Friday?! Friday? This Friday?! But that's impossible! But that's impossible! You said every day that we're closed we're losing money.
You said every day that we're closed we're losing money.
Yeah, but we still need to line up Yeah, but we still need to line up bartenders, go-go boys, a new manager! bartenders, go-go boys, a new manager! Well, you'd better line them up.
But! Well, you'd better line them up.
But! There's so much to do.
There's so much to do.
They say it took 500 years to complete Notre Dame.
They say it took 500 years to complete Notre Dame.
Is that supposed to be encouraging? Is that supposed to be encouraging? We're making a home together.
We're making a home together.
Who cares how long it takes? Who cares how long it takes? Well, if there's a problem we'll just change the tablecloths.
Well, if there's a problem we'll just change the tablecloths.
And the napkins.
And the napkins.
And the flowers.
And the flowers.
And the menu.
And the menu.
Let me know if you want to change the groom.
Let me know if you want to change the groom.
(Laughs) OK.
(Laughs) OK.
What was that? (Sighs) What was that? (Sighs) The wedding of Alien and Predator.
The wedding of Alien and Predator.
The groom's the producer for the Channel Five six o'clock news.
The groom's the producer for the Channel Five six o'clock news.
We're gonna be big news if I survive.
We're gonna be big news if I survive.
The bride is a twice-divorced drama queen, panzer division, The bride is a twice-divorced drama queen, panzer division, who's convinced there's gonna be a disaster.
who's convinced there's gonna be a disaster.
And believe me, if she doesn't get off my ass - And believe me, if she doesn't get off my ass - which are words you rarely hear me say - there may be.
which are words you rarely hear me say - there may be.
Well, it can't be any worse than Mel and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.
Well, it can't be any worse than Mel and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.
No shit.
No shit.
Now, honey, you can't let yourself get all worked up.
Now, honey, you can't let yourself get all worked up.
DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on! DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on! I'll take your order as soon as I can.
I'll take your order as soon as I can.
Of course I realise that may be genetically impossible.
Of course I realise that may be genetically impossible.
OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger for Michael, pot pie for Em, OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger for Michael, pot pie for Em, and a BLT for Teddy, and a BLT for Teddy, hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo and fries.
hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo and fries.
Trying to keep yourself in shape for your new boyfriend? Trying to keep yourself in shape for your new boyfriend? He's adorable.
Yeah.
He's history.
He's adorable.
Yeah.
He's history.
He jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy.
He jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy.
He actually thought Marlon Brando needed to gain a few pounds.
He actually thought Marlon Brando needed to gain a few pounds.
That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.
That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.
Teddy, you're not fat! Teddy, you're not fat! Well, not hugely, grossly.
Well, not hugely, grossly.
And you're certainly not old.
And you're certainly not old.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
Sir! Sir! Babylon reopens Friday night.
Babylon reopens Friday night.
Here you go, guys.
Here you go, guys.
He called me 'sir'.
He called me 'sir'.
He spoke loudly so I could hear.
He spoke loudly so I could hear.
I thought Babylon went belly up.
I thought Babylon went belly up.
You mean you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy.
You mean you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy.
I resuscitated it.
I resuscitated it.
I put my mouth on it and blew.
I put my mouth on it and blew.
So that's how you spent your disposable income? So that's how you spent your disposable income? (Sighs) You should have bought a house.
(Sighs) You should have bought a house.
Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking to kiddies and picket fences.
to kiddies and picket fences.
Word on the street is that Poppers is the new hot spot.
Word on the street is that Poppers is the new hot spot.
Friday night, Poppers goes back to being the pisshole it always was.
Friday night, Poppers goes back to being the pisshole it always was.
MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.
MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.
Here you go, guys.
Check it out.
Here you go, guys.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Hi, J.
R.
Your daddy loves you.
Hi, J.
R.
Your daddy loves you.
There's this new place in the mall.
There's this new place in the mall.
You design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits, You design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits, record their voices.
record their voices.
It's adorable.
Precious.
It's adorable.
Precious.
You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.
R.
You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.
R.
(Groans) She has colic.
Cried for four hours straight.
(Groans) She has colic.
Cried for four hours straight.
Look, I wanted to apologise for getting so heated the other night.
Look, I wanted to apologise for getting so heated the other night.
It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting We know.
No-one was.
We know.
No-one was.
Although, now that I remember, every time I would stop by, Although, now that I remember, every time I would stop by, one of you was always out or at work or taking a nap.
one of you was always out or at work or taking a nap.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
You said that.
You said that.
I mean that after all this time you couldn't work things out.
I mean that after all this time you couldn't work things out.
That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much.
We're sorry too.
That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much.
We're sorry too.
Now, if you don't mind, can we not discuss our marital problems? Now, if you don't mind, can we not discuss our marital problems? The important thing is we need to decide The important thing is we need to decide how we'll take care of our child.
how we'll take care of our child.
'Our' child? 'Our' child? How much time she'll spend with you and with Linz, and Ben and me.
How much time she'll spend with you and with Linz, and Ben and me.
We're buying a new house.
We're buying a new house.
I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you - none! I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you - none! Melanie, please, would you lower your voice? Melanie, please, would you lower your voice? I'm sure we can handle this without screaming.
I'm sure we can handle this without screaming.
Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers) Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers) Tell that to her.
Tell that to her.
We had an agreement that I'd be a part of our daughter's life.
We had an agreement that I'd be a part of our daughter's life.
Which at no time included physical custody.
That was never discussed.
Which at no time included physical custody.
That was never discussed.
Because when we made it you two were together! A couple! A family! Because when we made it you two were together! A couple! A family! Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.
Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.
Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.
Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.
And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.
And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.
She is! She's saying I have no rights! She is! She's saying I have no rights! No - I'm saying, you may be her father, her biological father, No - I'm saying, you may be her father, her biological father, but Lindsay and I are still her parents.
but Lindsay and I are still her parents.
That hasn't changed.
That hasn't changed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Now, if you'll excuse me, my daughter needs to be fed.
my daughter needs to be fed.
Alright, upon arrival, Alright, upon arrival, the guests will be offered a glass of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.
the guests will be offered a glass of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.
WOMAN: Make that 1990.
WOMAN: Make that 1990.
While a string quartet plays a medley of your favourite Elton John songs.
While a string quartet plays a medley of your favourite Elton John songs.
I've decided to go with 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.
I've decided to go with 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.
Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.
Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.
Now, when the 'Wedding March' begins Now, when the 'Wedding March' begins We are keeping the 'Wedding March'? We are keeping the 'Wedding March'? Oh, of course.
Oh, of course.
.
.
you'll enter from over there .
.
you'll enter from over there Why not over here? Why not over here? You'll enter from over here, holding a spray of lilies.
You'll enter from over here, holding a spray of lilies.
I'm thinking now of white roses and baby's breath.
I'm thinking now of white roses and baby's breath.
Baby's breath.
OK.
Baby's breath.
OK.
You'll then proceed to the bower, at which point You'll then proceed to the bower, at which point What if it rains? What if it rains? I already asked Johnny.
No rain.
I already asked Johnny.
No rain.
Your weather man couldn't predict a hurricane Your weather man couldn't predict a hurricane if it was blowing down Market Street.
if it was blowing down Market Street.
I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.
I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.
Iraq? Screw Iraq! Iraq? Screw Iraq! We're having a wedding! We're having a wedding! Now, now.
Don't you worry.
Now, now.
Don't you worry.
I am gonna have a little talk with God, I am gonna have a little talk with God, and there is no way he's gonna let anything rain on your parade.
and there is no way he's gonna let anything rain on your parade.
(Laughs and gasps) (Laughs and gasps) The ladies' room! The ladies' room! We haven't decided the colour of the toilet tissue.
We haven't decided the colour of the toilet tissue.
Lavender.
Um, no, mint.
Lavender.
Um, no, mint.
Uh, no, buttercup! Uh, no, buttercup! I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions.
I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions.
She'd still drive you nuts, but I love her.
She'd still drive you nuts, but I love her.
Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.
Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, one of the reasons we queer guys are around.
Oh, one of the reasons we queer guys are around.
To help you poor straight people straighten up.
(Laughs) To help you poor straight people straighten up.
(Laughs) Joseph, make sure you pack my swimsuits and T-shirts, huh? Joseph, make sure you pack my swimsuits and T-shirts, huh? It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.
It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.
Anyway, they fired him three days into production.
Anyway, they fired him three days into production.
First-time director, huge production - he couldn't handle it.
First-time director, huge production - he couldn't handle it.
Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom did not get along.
Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom did not get along.
Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett? Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett? I want that trainer at my hotel every morning at 5:00am, huh? I want that trainer at my hotel every morning at 5:00am, huh? Well, call the producer and fucking demand it! Well, call the producer and fucking demand it! You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone? You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone? Well, it's a 6-month shoot, provided I can do post here - Well, it's a 6-month shoot, provided I can do post here - you know, we're still negotiating.
you know, we're still negotiating.
Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.
Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.
On an 18-hour flight it's the only way to fly.
On an 18-hour flight it's the only way to fly.
Sure.
Sure.
Listen, I don't mean to throw you out or anything, Listen, I don't mean to throw you out or anything, but I figured while I was gone but I figured while I was gone it'd be a good time to do some work on the house - you know, redecorate.
it'd be a good time to do some work on the house - you know, redecorate.
Please feel free to stay for a couple of days Please feel free to stay for a couple of days until you line up something else.
until you line up something else.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Even though I'm on the other side of the world, Even though I'm on the other side of the world, I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.
I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.
My development people are gonna shop it around.
My development people are gonna shop it around.
The Gay Crusader is too powerful to be defeated The Gay Crusader is too powerful to be defeated by some asshole who can't see beyond the box office.
by some asshole who can't see beyond the box office.
Right? Mm-hm.
Right? Mm-hm.
Blair.
Yes, Brett? Blair.
Yes, Brett? I'm not happy with the time we've arranged for the car I'm not happy with the time we've arranged for the car I can't believe the way she talked to me.
I can't believe the way she talked to me.
You're the father! You're the father! But I'm not the parent - at least, not as far as Melanie's concerned.
But I'm not the parent - at least, not as far as Melanie's concerned.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You're every bit as much a parent as she is.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You're every bit as much a parent as she is.
You should have heard her.
Screaming so loud she woke up the baby.
You should have heard her.
Screaming so loud she woke up the baby.
With all their carrying on, With all their carrying on, I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.
R.
than they can.
I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.
R.
than they can.
Yeah, I'm sure you're right.
Yeah, I'm sure you're right.
But the one thing we mustn't do is overreact.
But the one thing we mustn't do is overreact.
We've gotta stay calm and rational.
We've gotta stay calm and rational.
Everybody keeps telling me that! Everybody keeps telling me that! Alright.
I'll be calm and rational, but Alright.
I'll be calm and rational, but There's no way I'm giving up my kid.
There's no way I'm giving up my kid.
Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors! Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors! Could you move those cartons behind the bar? Could you move those cartons behind the bar? Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir! Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir! MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.
MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.
Just hopefully not while we're shaking our booties.
Just hopefully not while we're shaking our booties.
Emmett, didn't think I'd see you here.
Emmett, didn't think I'd see you here.
Thought you'd be too busy with your wedding plans.
Thought you'd be too busy with your wedding plans.
I'm never too busy to sit ringside on opening night.
I'm never too busy to sit ringside on opening night.
Ready in two minutes.
Ready in two minutes.
And, um, who have we here? And, um, who have we here? Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.
Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.
Already picturing moonlit beach, caressed by a Caribbean breeze Already picturing moonlit beach, caressed by a Caribbean breeze while the palms sway gently to a Latin guitar.
while the palms sway gently to a Latin guitar.
We didn't have too many palm trees in Trenton.
We didn't have too many palm trees in Trenton.
Alonzo's the new club manager.
Alonzo's the new club manager.
And may I say, a vast improvement over the former one.
And may I say, a vast improvement over the former one.
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
My parents couldn't afford an erector set, My parents couldn't afford an erector set, so I decided to play with the one God gave me.
so I decided to play with the one God gave me.
(Laughs) OK, boys, take your places.
(Laughs) OK, boys, take your places.
Let's bring the lights down Let's bring the lights down and the strobes up.
and the strobes up.
And we're back in business.
And we're back in business.
Not quite.
Not quite.
TECHNO MUSIC STARTS TECHNO MUSIC STARTS It ain't Babylon without that thumpa-thumpa.
It ain't Babylon without that thumpa-thumpa.
OK, boys and boys.
What time is it? OK, boys and boys.
What time is it? ALL: It's showtime! ALL: It's showtime! What the fuck? What the fuck? Don't worry.
It's stillit's early.
Don't worry.
It's stillit's early.
Where is everybody? Where is everybody? It's shorts and shots night at Poppers.
It's shorts and shots night at Poppers.
All the hot guys are over there.
All the hot guys are over there.
I think I'll go, um, check it out.
I think I'll go, um, check it out.
LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC Connor.
Hey.
Connor.
Hey.
Didn't think you were still in town.
Didn't think you were still in town.
This is Justin and so is this.
This is Justin and so is this.
Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood.
Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood.
Can you get me another one? Can you get me another one? He's cute.
If you like the type.
He's cute.
If you like the type.
It really sucks about 'Rage', doesn't it? It really sucks about 'Rage', doesn't it? Yeah.
It really sucks.
Yeah.
It really sucks.
I swear there's not an ounce of artistic integrity I swear there's not an ounce of artistic integrity in this fucking town.
in this fucking town.
Why don't you go back to New York, do theatre? Why don't you go back to New York, do theatre? I would in a heartbeat if not for my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.
I would in a heartbeat if not for my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.
So, where's our genius director? So, where's our genius director? He left yesterday for Australia.
He left yesterday for Australia.
I heard he's taking over that remake of 'Mothra'.
I heard he's taking over that remake of 'Mothra'.
Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film unless something flies.
Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film unless something flies.
He still plans on doing 'Rage', though.
He still plans on doing 'Rage', though.
His people are out shopping it to other studios His people are out shopping it to other studios now that it's in turnabout.
now that it's in turnabout.
That's turnaround.
That's turnaround.
Right.
He swore he's gonna get it made.
Right.
He swore he's gonna get it made.
Well, that's our Brettski.
Fighting the evil empire single-handed.
Well, that's our Brettski.
Fighting the evil empire single-handed.
But in this business, the only thing that rises from the dead is Dracula, But in this business, the only thing that rises from the dead is Dracula, and then only if Brad Pitt is playing him.
and then only if Brad Pitt is playing him.
When something's over, it's over.
When something's over, it's over.
You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came.
You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came.
I love how you can take a stale cliche and make it fresh.
I love how you can take a stale cliche and make it fresh.
Could you do the same for this muffin? Could you do the same for this muffin? What the fuck's with you? What the fuck's with you? Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon? Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon? Is this one of those light bulb jokes? Is this one of those light bulb jokes? Count 'em - 12.
Count 'em - 12.
Eight fucking grand down the crapper.
Eight fucking grand down the crapper.
If I don't do something quick, If I don't do something quick, it's gonna be another eight fucking grand tonight, it's gonna be another eight fucking grand tonight, and tomorrow night, and the next night.
and tomorrow night, and the next night.
Sounds like one hell of an expensive blow job.
Sounds like one hell of an expensive blow job.
And I wouldn't have minded even that, And I wouldn't have minded even that, but not one of them was even remotely fuckable.
but not one of them was even remotely fuckable.
Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go? Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go? The music was fucking awesome, and only a buck a shooter.
The music was fucking awesome, and only a buck a shooter.
Where you boys been all night? Where you boys been all night? Poppers.
Poppers?! Poppers.
Poppers?! That dump's older than I am! That dump's older than I am! The only thing that is.
(All snicker) The only thing that is.
(All snicker) There you have it.
There you have it.
You of all people should know, You of all people should know, there's no-one more fickle than a fag.
there's no-one more fickle than a fag.
(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
The woman in front of me had a stack of coupons.
The woman in front of me had a stack of coupons.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.
Did you have fun with Momma? Yeah.
Did you have fun with Momma? Yeah.
Here's the mail.
Thanks.
Here's the mail.
Thanks.
OK, big boy.
Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.
OK, big boy.
Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.
Momma, I don't wanna go.
Momma, I don't wanna go.
Are we gonna go through this every time? Are we gonna go through this every time? Hmm.
Hmm.
It's OK, sweetie.
It's OK, sweetie.
I'll see you tomorrow when Mommy goes to work, OK? I'll see you tomorrow when Mommy goes to work, OK? How's J.
R.
? Up all night screaming.
How's J.
R.
? Up all night screaming.
Why didn't you let me take her? Why didn't you let me take her? You can't be up all night and look after Gus and work all day.
You can't be up all night and look after Gus and work all day.
But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK? But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK? I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.
I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
I just wish there was some way we could I just wish there was some way we could Kiss and make up? Get along.
Kiss and make up? Get along.
Shit! What is it? Shit! What is it? That little fucker hired a lawyer.
That little fucker hired a lawyer.
Her name is Bobby Bennett.
Her name is Bobby Bennett.
Thought she was married to Hugh Hefner.
Thought she was married to Hugh Hefner.
That's Barbi Benton.
That's Barbi Benton.
This is a tough gay lawyer.
This is a tough gay lawyer.
She took the first gay adoption case in Pennsylvania She took the first gay adoption case in Pennsylvania to the State Supreme Court and won.
to the State Supreme Court and won.
She said as J.
R's biological father She said as J.
R's biological father I have rights and I should fight for them.
I have rights and I should fight for them.
No! No, I don't like it there.
No! No, I don't like it there.
So, she's agreed to take our case.
So, she's agreed to take our case.
Glad to see you standing up for yourself.
Glad to see you standing up for yourself.
Just sorry it had to come to this.
Just sorry it had to come to this.
They didn't leave me any choice.
They didn't leave me any choice.
Is this where you want it, Deb? Is this where you want it, Deb? Where I want it's in the garbage, Where I want it's in the garbage, but it's Carl's favourite chair, so but it's Carl's favourite chair, so There.
That's better, huh? Oh, yeah.
Much better.
There.
That's better, huh? Oh, yeah.
Much better.
Well, I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised Well, I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers by a couple of single mothers When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers.
When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers.
Single mothers.
Hmm? Single mothers.
Hmm? You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me? You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me? I wasn't talking about you.
I wasn't even thinking about you.
I wasn't talking about you.
I wasn't even thinking about you.
Yeah, so what else is new, but I was a single mother.
Yeah, so what else is new, but I was a single mother.
And guess what? And guess what? Even without a father, you still had enough sense Even without a father, you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain - sometimes! to come in out of the rain - sometimes! That's not what I was talking about.
That's not what I was talking about.
For Christ's sakes, Mom, would you stop misinterpreting? For Christ's sakes, Mom, would you stop misinterpreting? Who's misinterpreting? Who's misinterpreting? Deb, all we're saying I know what you're saying! Deb, all we're saying I know what you're saying! I speak the language, thank you very much.
I speak the language, thank you very much.
You think 'cause there's two of you You think 'cause there's two of you that you're better-equipped to raise a kid.
that you're better-equipped to raise a kid.
Well, let me tell you two experts something - Well, let me tell you two experts something - not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner and enough money to stay home and raise their kids.
and enough money to stay home and raise their kids.
Some of us had to work night and day! Some of us had to work night and day! Sometimes till two in the fucking morning! Sometimes till two in the fucking morning! So that our kids could have sneakers and jeans and walkmans So that our kids could have sneakers and jeans and walkmans and go to the movies just like all their friends.
and go to the movies just like all their friends.
And while we were out there working, And while we were out there working, we were just hoping and praying to God we were just hoping and praying to God that they didn't get sick or get in trouble! that they didn't get sick or get in trouble! But we had no choice.
But we had no choice.
We made whatever sacrifice we could for our kids' happiness.
We made whatever sacrifice we could for our kids' happiness.
So, if you two think you can do it better, So, if you two think you can do it better, all I got to say is all I got to say is .
.
good for you.
.
.
good for you.
I almost didn't recognise you since you gained all that weight.
I almost didn't recognise you since you gained all that weight.
It's not that much.
It's not that much.
I wish I could gain weight like that.
I wish I could gain weight like that.
I try and I try, and I eat and I eat, I try and I try, and I eat and I eat, but no matter what I do, I just can't keep it on.
but no matter what I do, I just can't keep it on.
Pity.
Chocolate? Pity.
Chocolate? I'm on a diet.
I'm on a diet.
Oh.
And it's already working.
Oh.
And it's already working.
Your hair is getting thinner.
Your hair is getting thinner.
Look, whatever else is going on, I've always had a healthy head of hair.
Look, whatever else is going on, I've always had a healthy head of hair.
Well, I hate to contradict Mrs Brolin, Well, I hate to contradict Mrs Brolin, but the mirror only has one face, and you're looking at it.
but the mirror only has one face, and you're looking at it.
Shit.
I'm getting bald.
Shit.
I'm getting bald.
(Stammers) What do I do? What do I do? (Stammers) What do I do? What do I do? Revert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke? Revert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke? There's no use fighting it, sweetheart.
There's no use fighting it, sweetheart.
I'm afraid age is the last trick any of us picks up.
I'm afraid age is the last trick any of us picks up.
The problem is, after it fucks us it doesn't leave.
The problem is, after it fucks us it doesn't leave.
So if I were you, I'd stop singing the title song from 'Poor Me' So if I were you, I'd stop singing the title song from 'Poor Me' and accept it.
and accept it.
Then what? Die? Then what? Die? Or move to Palm Springs, Or move to Palm Springs, pour yourself a martini and ogle the Mexican boys.
pour yourself a martini and ogle the Mexican boys.
Now, what shall we do with this? Now, what shall we do with this? Same old, same OLD? Same old, same OLD? (Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter how many of these weddings I do, (Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter how many of these weddings I do, I always get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.
I always get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.
Maybe it's allergies.
What if everybody starts sneezing? Maybe it's allergies.
What if everybody starts sneezing? You see? I told you we should have had it indoors.
You see? I told you we should have had it indoors.
The only sniffles today will be sniffles of joy The only sniffles today will be sniffles of joy from how lovely the bride looks.
from how lovely the bride looks.
I still think I should have left my hair down.
My face looks too round.
I still think I should have left my hair down.
My face looks too round.
It's the perfect frame for the perfect picture.
It's the perfect frame for the perfect picture.
You hear that, honey? It's all an illusion.
You hear that, honey? It's all an illusion.
I'm a mess.
Are those rain clouds? I'm a mess.
Are those rain clouds? I think it's time to cue the 'Wedding March'.
I think it's time to cue the 'Wedding March'.
Those You need to relax.
Those You need to relax.
To my beautiful bride.
To my beautiful bride.
From now on, you are my morning news, my evening news From now on, you are my morning news, my evening news and my special report.
and my special report.
Don, what a beautiful sentiment.
Don, what a beautiful sentiment.
(Shrieks) Oh, my God! (Shrieks) Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Alright.
Places, every Oh, my God.
Alright.
Places, every I told you something would go wrong.
I told you something would go wrong.
Didn't I tell you there'd be a disaster?! Didn't I tell you there'd be a disaster?! My blouse! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't! It's ruined.
My blouse! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't! It's ruined.
Everything is ruined! Everything is ruined! (Sobs) Take it off.
(Sobs) Take it off.
What? Take it off! Take your blouse off! What? Take it off! Take your blouse off! Come on.
We've got a hundred guests watching.
Come on.
We've got a hundred guests watching.
Chop, chop! OK.
Chop, chop! OK.
(Sobs) (Sobs) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go.
I'm going.
Go, go, go.
I'm going.
I need a soup pot and two bottles of burgundy, please! Vite! Vite! I need a soup pot and two bottles of burgundy, please! Vite! Vite! Fast as we can, people! Fast as we can, people! What, do you want a chicken too? What, do you want a chicken too? It's a hell of a time to make coq au vin, It's a hell of a time to make coq au vin, two minutes before our wedding! two minutes before our wedding! Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?! Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?! Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
See the choo-choo go round the tracks, sonny boy.
See the choo-choo go round the tracks, sonny boy.
See it? It sure is fun.
See it? It sure is fun.
But after a while, it gets monotonous and predictable, But after a while, it gets monotonous and predictable, and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and relinquish control and cause senseless, tragic disaster! and relinquish control and cause senseless, tragic disaster! (Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that? (Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that? Brian, what are you doing? Brian, what are you doing? I'm just teaching my son how to have fun.
I'm just teaching my son how to have fun.
Well, I wish you'd listen to me.
Well, I wish you'd listen to me.
"Just because I didn't carry her "Just because I didn't carry her "doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
" "doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
" I was there every step of the way.
I was there every step of the way.
Impregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her.
Impregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her.
I even helped with the delivery.
I even helped with the delivery.
So who says you're not? Michael.
So who says you're not? Michael.
He's petitioning for joint custody and 50% physical custody.
He's petitioning for joint custody and 50% physical custody.
Who the hell does he think he is - the father? Who the hell does he think he is - the father? The agreement was that he would always be a part of the baby's life, The agreement was that he would always be a part of the baby's life, but Mel and I would raise her.
but Mel and I would raise her.
Together.
Doesn't make any difference.
Together.
Doesn't make any difference.
We're still the same people.
We're still Jenny Rebecca's parents.
We're still the same people.
We're still Jenny Rebecca's parents.
Well, he seems to feel differently.
Well, he seems to feel differently.
If only Melanie had been reasonable.
If only Melanie had been reasonable.
(Laughs) Melanie? Our little Melanie? (Laughs) Melanie? Our little Melanie? Reasonable? Reasonable? Instead of trying to force him out.
Instead of trying to force him out.
Now if he goes through with this, I'll be the one who's forced out.
Now if he goes through with this, I'll be the one who's forced out.
The court'll say I'm the one with no legal rights.
The court'll say I'm the one with no legal rights.
It looks like your mommy's in quite a predicament.
It looks like your mommy's in quite a predicament.
You're goddamn right she is.
You're goddamn right she is.
I can't believe what a mess my life's become.
I can't believe what a mess my life's become.
You need money? You need money? What I need is for you to talk to him.
What I need is for you to talk to him.
You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.
You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.
It's OK, sonny boy.
It's OK, sonny boy.
We will get it back on track.
We will get it back on track.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
OK.
Flip the switch.
OK.
Flip the switch.
And that should just about do it.
And that should just about do it.
Would you take that, please? Thank you, thank you.
Would you take that, please? Thank you, thank you.
Oh, oh.
Over here.
Oh, oh.
Over here.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
There.
It even matches your bouquet.
There.
It even matches your bouquet.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! You're a genius.
I'm not a genius! You're a genius.
I'm not a genius! My Aunt Lula's the genius.
My Aunt Lula's the genius.
See, back in Hazelhurst, when I was a boy, See, back in Hazelhurst, when I was a boy, my momma worked and scraped my momma worked and scraped to buy me a pair of good white pants for church.
to buy me a pair of good white pants for church.
Well, before we got there I stole some boysenberry cobbler Well, before we got there I stole some boysenberry cobbler and imagine the rest.
and imagine the rest.
Well, Momma was just about to whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.
Well, Momma was just about to whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.
She picked a mess of boysenberries, made some boysenberry juice, She picked a mess of boysenberries, made some boysenberry juice, and the next Sunday I had the most fabulous purple pants and the next Sunday I had the most fabulous purple pants to wear to church, to wear to church, which I, of course, accessorised with a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.
which I, of course, accessorised with a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.
That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.
That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.
By learning how to turn a disaster into something beautiful.
By learning how to turn a disaster into something beautiful.
Now, you two walk down that aisle and live happily ever after.
Now, you two walk down that aisle and live happily ever after.
Thanks.
Thanks.
'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS 'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS Come on, honey.
Come on, honey.
There ain't no back room here, so I guess it's off to my place.
There ain't no back room here, so I guess it's off to my place.
Last time I looked, there was a back room at Babylon.
Last time I looked, there was a back room at Babylon.
Brian, hey, hey.
We, uhwe were planning to stop by later.
Brian, hey, hey.
We, uhwe were planning to stop by later.
Why not now and avoid the crowds? Why not now and avoid the crowds? Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on.
Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on.
All the hot guys come here now.
All the hot guys come here now.
Not that one.
Jesus, look at him.
Not that one.
Jesus, look at him.
A tired old queen desperately trying to hold on to his A tired old queen desperately trying to hold on to his Teddy?! Teddy?! Et tu, Theodore? Et tu, Theodore? Brian, what are you doing here? Checking out the competition.
Brian, what are you doing here? Checking out the competition.
Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise? Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise? It's my new look.
It's my new look.
I was, uh, going for something newer, hipper.
I was, uh, going for something newer, hipper.
I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away.
I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away.
Well, you'd better do it fast or you're gonna lose your pants.
Well, you'd better do it fast or you're gonna lose your pants.
Might as well start now.
Might as well start now.
PANTING AND MOANING PANTING AND MOANING MAN: Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
You like that? Oh, yeah.
You like that? Oh, yeah.
How was your flight? How was your flight? (Cries) (Sings lullaby) (Cries) (Sings lullaby) OK.
Let's try this again.
OK.
Let's try this again.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Christ! What's going on in here? Christ! What's going on in here? I could hear her crying halfway round the block.
I could hear her crying halfway round the block.
Colic.
She's been up all night.
Colic.
She's been up all night.
Oh, she got that from Michael.
Oh, she got that from Michael.
I always knew he'd turn out gay - I always knew he'd turn out gay - he was a screamer from the day he arrived.
he was a screamer from the day he arrived.
Come here, honeybun.
Come here, honeybun.
Honeybun is what I used to call Michael.
Honeybun is what I used to call Michael.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Look, you really shouldn't be here, Look, you really shouldn't be here, considering he plans to sue me for custody.
considering he plans to sue me for custody.
You still haven't learned, have you? You still haven't learned, have you? We have a child here with a problem.
We have a child here with a problem.
You got a hot water bottle? In the kitchen, I think.
You got a hot water bottle? In the kitchen, I think.
Fill it.
Fill it.
With warm water.
With warm water.
(Cries) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
(Cries) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Yes, she is.
(Wails) Yes, she is.
(Wails) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.
Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.
Here's Mommy.
Here's Mommy.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Debbie, I know you want to see your granddaughter, Debbie, I know you want to see your granddaughter, and I appreciate your help, but and I appreciate your help, but But what? But what? Until this thing's settled Until this thing's settled As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
The three of you carrying on, The three of you carrying on, each of you wanting a piece of this poor child - it's shameful.
each of you wanting a piece of this poor child - it's shameful.
It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.
It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.
(Murmurs) Yes.
(Murmurs) Yes.
But the bottom line, I say a baby belongs with its mother.
But the bottom line, I say a baby belongs with its mother.
You do.
You do.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother.
A single mother.
A single mother.
And anyone who isn't or never has been And anyone who isn't or never has been hasn't a fucking clue how tough that is, and that includes my son.
hasn't a fucking clue how tough that is, and that includes my son.
So whatever I can do to help, I'm here.
So whatever I can do to help, I'm here.
Thank you for being on my side.
Thank you for being on my side.
Now hear this Now hear this .
.
the only one whose side I'm on is my granddaughter's.
.
.
the only one whose side I'm on is my granddaughter's.
Isn't that right, honeybun? Isn't that right, honeybun? Oh, so tired.
Oh, so tired.
I hated it out there.
I hated it out there.
The weather never changes.
All anybody talks about is the business.
The weather never changes.
All anybody talks about is the business.
If you don't have a go project you're invisible.
If you don't have a go project you're invisible.
Yeah, as they say in the movies, cut to the chase.
The guys are hot! Yeah, as they say in the movies, cut to the chase.
The guys are hot! Except after a while they all start to look the same.
Except after a while they all start to look the same.
Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect bodies.
Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect bodies.
Sounds perfectly awful.
Sounds perfectly awful.
And you cannot trust anyone And you cannot trust anyone or believe anything that anybody ever says.
or believe anything that anybody ever says.
Everybody's just looking out for themselves and their careers.
Everybody's just looking out for themselves and their careers.
Yeah, sounds exactly like what you always hear about L.
A.
Yeah, sounds exactly like what you always hear about L.
A.
Lot of shallow, superficial assholes Lot of shallow, superficial assholes desperately trying to be what they're not.
desperately trying to be what they're not.
Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon? Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon? Sure can, honey.
They're over by the counter.
Help yourself.
Sure can, honey.
They're over by the counter.
Help yourself.
You're lucky you got out of there in one piece, baby.
You're lucky you got out of there in one piece, baby.
So much for 'Rage' the movie.
So much for 'Rage' the movie.
So much for 'Rage' the money.
So much for 'Rage' the money.
It's OK.
We'll be fine.
It's OK.
We'll be fine.
You know, it's just as well that they didn't make it.
You know, it's just as well that they didn't make it.
Ben, you were right - by the time they'd have finished it, Ben, you were right - by the time they'd have finished it, Rage would have wound up straight.
Rage would have wound up straight.
At least we still have the comic.
At least we still have the comic.
Our comic.
Our comic.
And most important, you're back here with us where you belong.
And most important, you're back here with us where you belong.
Yeah, what are you gonna do now, baby? Yeah, what are you gonna do now, baby? I haven't had much chance to think about it.
I haven't had much chance to think about it.
Don't you worry, baby.
Your old job is still here waiting for you.
Don't you worry, baby.
Your old job is still here waiting for you.
You could start bussing tables any time you want.
You could start bussing tables any time you want.
So, would you like to slit your throat now or after we have coffee? So, would you like to slit your throat now or after we have coffee? Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.
Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.
Everyone is still raving about the wedding.
Everyone is still raving about the wedding.
Lila's friends want to know where she got that blouse.
Lila's friends want to know where she got that blouse.
Said they never saw such a beautiful colour.
Said they never saw such a beautiful colour.
Well, I'm just relieved everything worked out alright.
Well, I'm just relieved everything worked out alright.
If there's anything else I can do for you - If there's anything else I can do for you - your next wedding.
(Laughs) your next wedding.
(Laughs) Actually, there is.
Actually, there is.
I watched you day after day through this entire event.
I watched you day after day through this entire event.
You did? You did? And I have a little proposition to make.
And I have a little proposition to make.
You do? You do? I want you, Emmett.
I want you, Emmett.
Lord, what is it with me and straight men? Lord, what is it with me and straight men? Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered, but you're a married man now, so Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered, but you're a married man now, so What the hell are you? You don't think I (Laughs) What the hell are you? You don't think I (Laughs) Please! No! (Laughs) Please! No! (Laughs) Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.
Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.
As what? Sports commentator? Weather girl? As what? Sports commentator? Weather girl? Either way, I think you'd be terribly disappointed.
Either way, I think you'd be terribly disappointed.
Listen, I don't have to tell you - queer is very hot right now.
Listen, I don't have to tell you - queer is very hot right now.
Everybody wants the gay perspective.
Everybody wants the gay perspective.
What do the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating? What do the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating? Like you said, that little fairy magic Like you said, that little fairy magic that gives us straights a little twist.
that gives us straights a little twist.
And you want me to? To do a new segment.
And you want me to? To do a new segment.
Offer us the gay point of view.
Offer us the gay point of view.
Give us some tips.
Do some makeovers.
But I've never Give us some tips.
Do some makeovers.
But I've never After that magic act you performed at our wedding, you can do anything.
After that magic act you performed at our wedding, you can do anything.
That includes being Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.
That includes being Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.
Without the lights and the music and the hot guys Without the lights and the music and the hot guys it's just a room, isn't it? it's just a room, isn't it? It's all an illusion.
It's all an illusion.
Nothing but cheap theatrics.
Nothing but cheap theatrics.
Sorry about your baby.
Jenny? Sorry about your baby.
Jenny? Rage.
Oh, that.
Rage.
Oh, that.
Well, right now I've got more important things to think about.
Well, right now I've got more important things to think about.
(Sighs) (Sighs) So, why the urgent message on my cell? So, why the urgent message on my cell? I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone.
I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone.
They have enough shit to work out right now They have enough shit to work out right now without you sicking your bulldog - or should I say bulldyke - without you sicking your bulldog - or should I say bulldyke - lawyer on them.
lawyer on them.
What the fuck business is it of yours if I wanna hire a lawyer? What the fuck business is it of yours if I wanna hire a lawyer? Who the fuck are you to? Who the fuck are you to? (Laughs) I'm Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am.
(Laughs) I'm Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am.
You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive! You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive! I'm sorry.
That was an uncalled for remark.
I'm sorry.
That was an uncalled for remark.
It's just thatbecause they're your son's parents too It's just thatbecause they're your son's parents too I thought you'd understand.
I thought you'd understand.
What I understand is that if you go through with this, What I understand is that if you go through with this, Lindsay's gonna be the one that gets left out.
Lindsay's gonna be the one that gets left out.
She's gonna be the one that gets fucked over.
She's gonna be the one that gets fucked over.
Well, she should have thought of that Well, she should have thought of that before she cheated on Mel and then lied to me.
before she cheated on Mel and then lied to me.
Christ! Would you give it a rest, already? We all know the story.
Christ! Would you give it a rest, already? We all know the story.
Why don't you stop defending her for a change Why don't you stop defending her for a change and try defending me, your best friend?! and try defending me, your best friend?! Right now the best thing for Jenny Rebecca Right now the best thing for Jenny Rebecca is to be with Ben and me in a stable home, is to be with Ben and me in a stable home, not being passed back and forth between two battling lesbians.
not being passed back and forth between two battling lesbians.
When did you change? When did you change? What? What? When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit? When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit? The point is not when did I change.
The point is not when did I change.
The point is why haven't you? The point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up? Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval too.
Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval too.
You and the nutty professor get married in fucking Canada, You and the nutty professor get married in fucking Canada, you move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals you move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals and suddenly that gives you the right and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey.
Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey.
It's called gay divorce.
It's called gay divorce.
Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives just like the rest of the world.
just like the rest of the world.
I'm just trying to do what's best for my daughter I'm just trying to do what's best for my daughter and protect my rights.
and protect my rights.
I'm sorry you can't see that.
I'm sorry you can't see that.
SONG: # How do I look? SONG: # How do I look? # Huh? # Huh? # How do I look? # How do I look? # How do I look? # You look good # How do I look? # You look good # How do I feel? # You feel good # How do I feel? # You feel good # How do I look? # You look good # How do I look? # You look good # You're looking good and feeling gorgeous # # You're looking good and feeling gorgeous # DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.
Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.
Wouldn't that be like calling the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'? Wouldn't that be like calling the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'? Don McGruder, the producer of the Channel Five news - Don McGruder, the producer of the Channel Five news - I just did his wedding - I just did his wedding - wants me to join the news team.
wants me to join the news team.
I am returning to the cameras, this time with my clothes on.
I am returning to the cameras, this time with my clothes on.
I'm gonna be Channel Five's 'Queer Guy', I'm gonna be Channel Five's 'Queer Guy', sharing tips, making quips, sharing tips, making quips, and generally showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous.
and generally showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous.
You can start by showing me.
You can start by showing me.
Look at my hair and my gut.
Look at my hair and my gut.
My face.
My face.
God, I look like a shar-pei.
God, I look like a shar-pei.
There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
Would you stop being a friend and be honest? Would you stop being a friend and be honest? I am being honest! I am being honest! Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Look at yourself.
(Sighs) Look at yourself.
(Sighs) Your true self.
Your true self.
The self that kicked crystal, that completed the Liberty Ride, The self that kicked crystal, that completed the Liberty Ride, that got a great job.
that got a great job.
You turned your life around, Teddy, You turned your life around, Teddy, and that is something to be very, very proud of.
and that is something to be very, very proud of.
You're practically a hero, OK? You're practically a hero, OK? So, who cares if you put on a few pounds or have a few character lines? So, who cares if you put on a few pounds or have a few character lines? Stop looking at the shell and see the pearl.
Stop looking at the shell and see the pearl.
You're right, Em.
You're right, Em.
You're so right.
You're so right.
It did sound good, didn't it? It did sound good, didn't it? Maybe I can use that in a segment.
Maybe I can use that in a segment.
Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to get to the gym Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to get to the gym and then, uh, get some beauty rest.
and then, uh, get some beauty rest.
The camera's merciless, you know.
The camera's merciless, you know.
It shows every line and immediately adds 10 pounds.
It shows every line and immediately adds 10 pounds.
I'll see you, baby.
I'll see you, baby.
Thanks, Em.
Thanks, Em.
Hey, you're gonna make a great 'Queer Guy'.
Hey, you're gonna make a great 'Queer Guy'.
You already are.
Can't help it.
You already are.
Can't help it.
(Dials phone) (Dials phone) Hi, yes.
Hi, yes.
My name is Ted Schmidt My name is Ted Schmidt and I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
and I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
BELL RINGS Be right with you.
BELL RINGS Be right with you.
My attorney advised me not to talk to you.
My attorney advised me not to talk to you.
Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd say she's being overly cautious.
Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd say she's being overly cautious.
After all, we're friends - family.
After all, we're friends - family.
Are we? I'm sure we can work this out.
Are we? I'm sure we can work this out.
Save ourselves a lot of grief and legal expenses, Save ourselves a lot of grief and legal expenses, which if I know anything about lawyers which if I know anything about lawyers is why she doesn't want us communicating.
is why she doesn't want us communicating.
Look, I admit I overreacted.
Look, I admit I overreacted.
I was just being protective, the way any mother would.
I was just being protective, the way any mother would.
You can understand that.
You can understand that.
I suppose.
I suppose.
There's no question you're part of Jenny Rebecca's life.
There's no question you're part of Jenny Rebecca's life.
It's just that she's so young.
It's just that she's so young.
She's still breastfeeding.
She's still breastfeeding.
So I was thinking that maybe later on down the road - So I was thinking that maybe later on down the road - say when she's four or five - say when she's four or five - she can spend some time with you and Ben.
she can spend some time with you and Ben.
I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you? I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you? How dumb do you think I am? How dumb do you think I am? No, don't answer that.
I can imagine.
No, don't answer that.
I can imagine.
First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true - First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true - I have as much rights as you.
I have as much rights as you.
Now you try to get me to agree not to take her until she's four or five.
Now you try to get me to agree not to take her until she's four or five.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not backing off.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not backing off.
I can't believe you're doing this! I can't believe you're doing this! After we stood right here in your store After we stood right here in your store and agreed that you could be the father and agreed that you could be the father instead of just the sperm donor.
instead of just the sperm donor.
Then why won't you let me have her? Then why won't you let me have her? Because you don't know shit about raising a baby.
Because you don't know shit about raising a baby.
Even your own mother agrees! My mother? Even your own mother agrees! My mother? She thinks you're behaving like an asshole.
She thinks you're behaving like an asshole.
Oh, really? Oh, really? You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks.
You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks.
Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too and I'm going to have joint custody.
Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too and I'm going to have joint custody.
Then you go ahead and try.
Then you go ahead and try.
But let me tell you - But let me tell you - you're not only up against one angry mother and lesbian, you're not only up against one angry mother and lesbian, you're up against one pissed-off lawyer.
you're up against one pissed-off lawyer.
So So .
.
was it all you remembered? .
.
was it all you remembered? And more.
And more.
What about you? What about you? Mmm.
It wasOK.
Mmm.
It wasOK.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Just OK? Just OK? It was great.
It was great.
Say it was great.
(Laughs) Say it was great.
(Laughs) Say it was great.
Say it was great.
Say it.
(Laughs) Say it.
(Laughs) It was great, it was great, it was great.
It was great, it was great, it was great.
It was great.
It was great.
It was.
It was great.
It was.
It was great.
I thought you were never coming back.
I thought you were never coming back.
I figured.
I figured.
Well, why would you? Well, why would you? Can't imagine.
Can't imagine.
What's this? What's this? It's one of my storyboards from the movie.
It's one of my storyboards from the movie.
It's good.
It's good.
Thanks.
Thanks.
What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.
I told everyone how shitty it was out there, I told everyone how shitty it was out there, how stupid everyone was.
how stupid everyone was.
The truth is, I loved it.
The truth is, I loved it.
I know.
I know.
It was hot, it was fun, it was exciting.
It was hot, it was fun, it was exciting.
We were gonna change the world - the first gay superhero.
We were gonna change the world - the first gay superhero.
Now it's over.
Now it's over.
Now you're back.
Now you're back.
It must be quite a let-down after all that.
It must be quite a let-down after all that.
There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
That is, if the offer still stands.
That is, if the offer still stands.
No glitches that I can foresee.
It all seems to be coming together.
No glitches that I can foresee.
Everything looks good.
Everything looks good.
The lease has been signed, The lease has been signed, liquor licence has been transferred into the name of Kinnetic Corp.
liquor licence has been transferred into the name of Kinnetic Corp.
You've got enough insurance You've got enough insurance that if someone so much as sneezes you're protected.
that if someone so much as sneezes you're protected.
In short, the joint's all yours.
In short, the joint's all yours.
Theodore, you are a marvel.
Theodore, you are a marvel.
Although when I said, "Go buy yourself a new toy," Although when I said, "Go buy yourself a new toy," this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind.
this isn't exactly the toy I had in mind.
It says on the box, "Appropriate for boys ages 19 to 30," It says on the box, "Appropriate for boys ages 19 to 30," so stop fretting, Mother - I can afford it.
so stop fretting, Mother - I can afford it.
Are you sure we can afford it? Are you sure we can afford it? We did the math a dozen times.
We did the math a dozen times.
Even without the movie we each have enough income.
Even without the movie we each have enough income.
Plus the money we've saved.
Plus the money we've saved.
I just need some reassurance.
I just need some reassurance.
Mmm.
Mmm.
How's that? How's that? I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.
I'm already thinking colour scheme.
Mmm.
All the back room needs is a fresh coat of black paint All the back room needs is a fresh coat of black paint and a condom dispenser.
and a condom dispenser.
What about pink walls with a sky-blue ceiling What about pink walls with a sky-blue ceiling and white fluffy clouds for the baby's room? and white fluffy clouds for the baby's room? TED: It's amazing how with a few simple touches TED: It's amazing how with a few simple touches you can turn a tired old room into a fresh and inviting space.
you can turn a tired old room into a fresh and inviting space.
Or we could wallpaper.
Or we could wallpaper.
Remember how Monte and Ely had their kids' room Remember how Monte and Ely had their kids' room wallpapered with Disney characters? wallpapered with Disney characters? And get a cleaning crew in here And get a cleaning crew in here to jackhammer the dried come off the floor.
to jackhammer the dried come off the floor.
Half of it's probably yours.
Half of it's probably yours.
With all this space, at least we won't be on top of each other.
With all this space, at least we won't be on top of each other.
Unless we choose to be.
Unless we choose to be.
BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.
BRIAN: I want to reopen by Friday.
Friday? This Friday?! Friday? This Friday?! But that's impossible! But that's impossible! You said every day that we're closed we're losing money.
You said every day that we're closed we're losing money.
Yeah, but we still need to line up Yeah, but we still need to line up bartenders, go-go boys, a new manager! bartenders, go-go boys, a new manager! Well, you'd better line them up.
But! Well, you'd better line them up.
But! There's so much to do.
There's so much to do.
They say it took 500 years to complete Notre Dame.
They say it took 500 years to complete Notre Dame.
Is that supposed to be encouraging? Is that supposed to be encouraging? We're making a home together.
We're making a home together.
Who cares how long it takes? Who cares how long it takes? Well, if there's a problem we'll just change the tablecloths.
Well, if there's a problem we'll just change the tablecloths.
And the napkins.
And the napkins.
And the flowers.
And the flowers.
And the menu.
And the menu.
Let me know if you want to change the groom.
Let me know if you want to change the groom.
(Laughs) OK.
(Laughs) OK.
What was that? (Sighs) What was that? (Sighs) The wedding of Alien and Predator.
The wedding of Alien and Predator.
The groom's the producer for the Channel Five six o'clock news.
The groom's the producer for the Channel Five six o'clock news.
We're gonna be big news if I survive.
We're gonna be big news if I survive.
The bride is a twice-divorced drama queen, panzer division, The bride is a twice-divorced drama queen, panzer division, who's convinced there's gonna be a disaster.
who's convinced there's gonna be a disaster.
And believe me, if she doesn't get off my ass - And believe me, if she doesn't get off my ass - which are words you rarely hear me say - there may be.
which are words you rarely hear me say - there may be.
Well, it can't be any worse than Mel and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.
Well, it can't be any worse than Mel and Lindsay's anniversary surprise.
No shit.
No shit.
Now, honey, you can't let yourself get all worked up.
Now, honey, you can't let yourself get all worked up.
DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on! DEBBIE: Keep your fucking pants on! I'll take your order as soon as I can.
I'll take your order as soon as I can.
Of course I realise that may be genetically impossible.
Of course I realise that may be genetically impossible.
OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger for Michael, pot pie for Em, OK, boys - bacon cheeseburger for Michael, pot pie for Em, and a BLT for Teddy, and a BLT for Teddy, hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo and fries.
hold the bacon, lettuce, bread, mayo and fries.
Trying to keep yourself in shape for your new boyfriend? Trying to keep yourself in shape for your new boyfriend? He's adorable.
Yeah.
He's history.
He's adorable.
Yeah.
He's history.
He jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy.
He jacks off to photos of Ted Kennedy.
He actually thought Marlon Brando needed to gain a few pounds.
He actually thought Marlon Brando needed to gain a few pounds.
That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.
That's why he was in love with me.
Fat and old turn him on.
Teddy, you're not fat! Teddy, you're not fat! Well, not hugely, grossly.
Well, not hugely, grossly.
And you're certainly not old.
And you're certainly not old.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
MAN: Excuse me, sir.
Sir! Sir! Babylon reopens Friday night.
Babylon reopens Friday night.
Here you go, guys.
Here you go, guys.
He called me 'sir'.
He called me 'sir'.
He spoke loudly so I could hear.
He spoke loudly so I could hear.
I thought Babylon went belly up.
I thought Babylon went belly up.
You mean you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy.
You mean you didn't know? Tell him, Teddy.
I resuscitated it.
I resuscitated it.
I put my mouth on it and blew.
I put my mouth on it and blew.
So that's how you spent your disposable income? So that's how you spent your disposable income? (Sighs) You should have bought a house.
(Sighs) You should have bought a house.
Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking Some of us queers prefer dancing and fucking to kiddies and picket fences.
to kiddies and picket fences.
Word on the street is that Poppers is the new hot spot.
Word on the street is that Poppers is the new hot spot.
Friday night, Poppers goes back to being the pisshole it always was.
Friday night, Poppers goes back to being the pisshole it always was.
MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.
MAN: Babylon reopens Friday night.
Check it out.
Here you go, guys.
Check it out.
Here you go, guys.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Hi, J.
R.
Your daddy loves you.
Hi, J.
R.
Your daddy loves you.
There's this new place in the mall.
There's this new place in the mall.
You design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits, You design the bears yourself and pick out their outfits, record their voices.
record their voices.
It's adorable.
Precious.
It's adorable.
Precious.
You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.
R.
You'll have to forgive Melanie.
She's been up all night with J.
R.
(Groans) She has colic.
Cried for four hours straight.
(Groans) She has colic.
Cried for four hours straight.
Look, I wanted to apologise for getting so heated the other night.
Look, I wanted to apologise for getting so heated the other night.
It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting It was a shock, that's all.
I wasn't expecting We know.
No-one was.
We know.
No-one was.
Although, now that I remember, every time I would stop by, Although, now that I remember, every time I would stop by, one of you was always out or at work or taking a nap.
one of you was always out or at work or taking a nap.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
Anyway, I'm sorry.
You said that.
You said that.
I mean that after all this time you couldn't work things out.
I mean that after all this time you couldn't work things out.
That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much.
We're sorry too.
That it had to come to this.
Thanks very much.
We're sorry too.
Now, if you don't mind, can we not discuss our marital problems? Now, if you don't mind, can we not discuss our marital problems? The important thing is we need to decide The important thing is we need to decide how we'll take care of our child.
how we'll take care of our child.
'Our' child? 'Our' child? How much time she'll spend with you and with Linz, and Ben and me.
How much time she'll spend with you and with Linz, and Ben and me.
We're buying a new house.
We're buying a new house.
I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you - none! I'll tell you how much time she's gonna spend with you - none! Melanie, please, would you lower your voice? Melanie, please, would you lower your voice? I'm sure we can handle this without screaming.
I'm sure we can handle this without screaming.
Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers) Who's screaming? I'm making a point.
(Baby whimpers) Tell that to her.
Tell that to her.
We had an agreement that I'd be a part of our daughter's life.
We had an agreement that I'd be a part of our daughter's life.
Which at no time included physical custody.
That was never discussed.
Which at no time included physical custody.
That was never discussed.
Because when we made it you two were together! A couple! A family! Because when we made it you two were together! A couple! A family! Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.
Now all that's changed.
Now you're not.
Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.
Why? I'm still her mother.
So am I.
And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.
And I'm her father.
No-one's denying that.
She is! She's saying I have no rights! She is! She's saying I have no rights! No - I'm saying, you may be her father, her biological father, No - I'm saying, you may be her father, her biological father, but Lindsay and I are still her parents.
but Lindsay and I are still her parents.
That hasn't changed.
That hasn't changed.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Now, if you'll excuse me, my daughter needs to be fed.
my daughter needs to be fed.
Alright, upon arrival, Alright, upon arrival, the guests will be offered a glass of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.
the guests will be offered a glass of Chateau Neuf du Pape 1991.
WOMAN: Make that 1990.
WOMAN: Make that 1990.
While a string quartet plays a medley of your favourite Elton John songs.
While a string quartet plays a medley of your favourite Elton John songs.
I've decided to go with 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.
I've decided to go with 'Eine Kleine Nachtmusik'.
Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.
Well, scratch 'Rocket Man'.
Now, when the 'Wedding March' begins Now, when the 'Wedding March' begins We are keeping the 'Wedding March'? We are keeping the 'Wedding March'? Oh, of course.
Oh, of course.
.
.
you'll enter from over there .
.
you'll enter from over there Why not over here? Why not over here? You'll enter from over here, holding a spray of lilies.
You'll enter from over here, holding a spray of lilies.
I'm thinking now of white roses and baby's breath.
I'm thinking now of white roses and baby's breath.
Baby's breath.
OK.
Baby's breath.
OK.
You'll then proceed to the bower, at which point You'll then proceed to the bower, at which point What if it rains? What if it rains? I already asked Johnny.
No rain.
I already asked Johnny.
No rain.
Your weather man couldn't predict a hurricane Your weather man couldn't predict a hurricane if it was blowing down Market Street.
if it was blowing down Market Street.
I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.
I've gotta get back to the station.
I've got a remote from Iraq.
Iraq? Screw Iraq! Iraq? Screw Iraq! We're having a wedding! We're having a wedding! Now, now.
Don't you worry.
Now, now.
Don't you worry.
I am gonna have a little talk with God, I am gonna have a little talk with God, and there is no way he's gonna let anything rain on your parade.
and there is no way he's gonna let anything rain on your parade.
(Laughs and gasps) (Laughs and gasps) The ladies' room! The ladies' room! We haven't decided the colour of the toilet tissue.
We haven't decided the colour of the toilet tissue.
Lavender.
Um, no, mint.
Lavender.
Um, no, mint.
Uh, no, buttercup! Uh, no, buttercup! I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions.
I wish you could see Lila under less stressful conditions.
She'd still drive you nuts, but I love her.
She'd still drive you nuts, but I love her.
Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.
Well, of course you do.
That's what this is all about.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.
You know, I gotta hand it to you.
I don't know how you do it.
Oh, one of the reasons we queer guys are around.
Oh, one of the reasons we queer guys are around.
To help you poor straight people straighten up.
(Laughs) To help you poor straight people straighten up.
(Laughs) Joseph, make sure you pack my swimsuits and T-shirts, huh? Joseph, make sure you pack my swimsuits and T-shirts, huh? It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.
It's summer in Australia.
Yes, sir.
Anyway, they fired him three days into production.
Anyway, they fired him three days into production.
First-time director, huge production - he couldn't handle it.
First-time director, huge production - he couldn't handle it.
Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom did not get along.
Also, I hear he and Orlando Bloom did not get along.
Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett? Oh, Blair.
TELEPHONE: Yes, Brett? I want that trainer at my hotel every morning at 5:00am, huh? I want that trainer at my hotel every morning at 5:00am, huh? Well, call the producer and fucking demand it! Well, call the producer and fucking demand it! You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone? You've got it, Brett.
How long will you be gone? Well, it's a 6-month shoot, provided I can do post here - Well, it's a 6-month shoot, provided I can do post here - you know, we're still negotiating.
you know, we're still negotiating.
Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.
Where the hell is my Ambien? Ah.
On an 18-hour flight it's the only way to fly.
On an 18-hour flight it's the only way to fly.
Sure.
Sure.
Listen, I don't mean to throw you out or anything, Listen, I don't mean to throw you out or anything, but I figured while I was gone but I figured while I was gone it'd be a good time to do some work on the house - you know, redecorate.
it'd be a good time to do some work on the house - you know, redecorate.
Please feel free to stay for a couple of days Please feel free to stay for a couple of days until you line up something else.
until you line up something else.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Even though I'm on the other side of the world, Even though I'm on the other side of the world, I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.
I haven't lost my passion for 'Rage'.
My development people are gonna shop it around.
My development people are gonna shop it around.
The Gay Crusader is too powerful to be defeated The Gay Crusader is too powerful to be defeated by some asshole who can't see beyond the box office.
by some asshole who can't see beyond the box office.
Right? Mm-hm.
Right? Mm-hm.
Blair.
Yes, Brett? Blair.
Yes, Brett? I'm not happy with the time we've arranged for the car I'm not happy with the time we've arranged for the car I can't believe the way she talked to me.
I can't believe the way she talked to me.
You're the father! You're the father! But I'm not the parent - at least, not as far as Melanie's concerned.
But I'm not the parent - at least, not as far as Melanie's concerned.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You're every bit as much a parent as she is.
Oh, that's bullshit.
You're every bit as much a parent as she is.
You should have heard her.
Screaming so loud she woke up the baby.
You should have heard her.
Screaming so loud she woke up the baby.
With all their carrying on, With all their carrying on, I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.
R.
than they can.
I know we can provide a more stable home life for J.
R.
than they can.
Yeah, I'm sure you're right.
Yeah, I'm sure you're right.
But the one thing we mustn't do is overreact.
But the one thing we mustn't do is overreact.
We've gotta stay calm and rational.
We've gotta stay calm and rational.
Everybody keeps telling me that! Everybody keeps telling me that! Alright.
I'll be calm and rational, but Alright.
I'll be calm and rational, but There's no way I'm giving up my kid.
There's no way I'm giving up my kid.
Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors! Finish up with those lights.
We're about to open the doors! Could you move those cartons behind the bar? Could you move those cartons behind the bar? Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir! Yes, sir.
And don't call me sir! MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.
MAN: OK, that looks good.
Break a leg, baby.
Just hopefully not while we're shaking our booties.
Just hopefully not while we're shaking our booties.
Emmett, didn't think I'd see you here.
Emmett, didn't think I'd see you here.
Thought you'd be too busy with your wedding plans.
Thought you'd be too busy with your wedding plans.
I'm never too busy to sit ringside on opening night.
I'm never too busy to sit ringside on opening night.
Ready in two minutes.
Ready in two minutes.
And, um, who have we here? And, um, who have we here? Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.
Oh, uh, this is Alonzo.
This is Emmett.
Already picturing moonlit beach, caressed by a Caribbean breeze Already picturing moonlit beach, caressed by a Caribbean breeze while the palms sway gently to a Latin guitar.
while the palms sway gently to a Latin guitar.
We didn't have too many palm trees in Trenton.
We didn't have too many palm trees in Trenton.
Alonzo's the new club manager.
Alonzo's the new club manager.
And may I say, a vast improvement over the former one.
And may I say, a vast improvement over the former one.
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
I haven't had this much fun with a toy since my erector set.
My parents couldn't afford an erector set, My parents couldn't afford an erector set, so I decided to play with the one God gave me.
so I decided to play with the one God gave me.
(Laughs) OK, boys, take your places.
(Laughs) OK, boys, take your places.
Let's bring the lights down Let's bring the lights down and the strobes up.
and the strobes up.
And we're back in business.
And we're back in business.
Not quite.
Not quite.
TECHNO MUSIC STARTS TECHNO MUSIC STARTS It ain't Babylon without that thumpa-thumpa.
It ain't Babylon without that thumpa-thumpa.
OK, boys and boys.
What time is it? OK, boys and boys.
What time is it? ALL: It's showtime! ALL: It's showtime! What the fuck? What the fuck? Don't worry.
It's stillit's early.
Don't worry.
It's stillit's early.
Where is everybody? Where is everybody? It's shorts and shots night at Poppers.
It's shorts and shots night at Poppers.
All the hot guys are over there.
All the hot guys are over there.
I think I'll go, um, check it out.
I think I'll go, um, check it out.
LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC LAIDBACK TECHNO MUSIC Connor.
Hey.
Connor.
Hey.
Didn't think you were still in town.
Didn't think you were still in town.
This is Justin and so is this.
This is Justin and so is this.
Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood.
Seems there's no shortage of us in Hollywood.
Can you get me another one? Can you get me another one? He's cute.
If you like the type.
He's cute.
If you like the type.
It really sucks about 'Rage', doesn't it? It really sucks about 'Rage', doesn't it? Yeah.
It really sucks.
Yeah.
It really sucks.
I swear there's not an ounce of artistic integrity I swear there's not an ounce of artistic integrity in this fucking town.
in this fucking town.
Why don't you go back to New York, do theatre? Why don't you go back to New York, do theatre? I would in a heartbeat if not for my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.
I would in a heartbeat if not for my 3-picture deal with Bruckheimer.
So, where's our genius director? So, where's our genius director? He left yesterday for Australia.
He left yesterday for Australia.
I heard he's taking over that remake of 'Mothra'.
I heard he's taking over that remake of 'Mothra'.
Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film unless something flies.
Well, it isn't a Brett Keller film unless something flies.
He still plans on doing 'Rage', though.
He still plans on doing 'Rage', though.
His people are out shopping it to other studios His people are out shopping it to other studios now that it's in turnabout.
now that it's in turnabout.
That's turnaround.
That's turnaround.
Right.
He swore he's gonna get it made.
Right.
He swore he's gonna get it made.
Well, that's our Brettski.
Fighting the evil empire single-handed.
Well, that's our Brettski.
Fighting the evil empire single-handed.
But in this business, the only thing that rises from the dead is Dracula, But in this business, the only thing that rises from the dead is Dracula, and then only if Brad Pitt is playing him.
and then only if Brad Pitt is playing him.
When something's over, it's over.
When something's over, it's over.
You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came.
You look like you gave an orgy and nobody came.
I love how you can take a stale cliche and make it fresh.
I love how you can take a stale cliche and make it fresh.
Could you do the same for this muffin? Could you do the same for this muffin? What the fuck's with you? What the fuck's with you? Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon? Guess how many homos showed up last night for the reopening of Babylon? Is this one of those light bulb jokes? Is this one of those light bulb jokes? Count 'em - 12.
Count 'em - 12.
Eight fucking grand down the crapper.
Eight fucking grand down the crapper.
If I don't do something quick, If I don't do something quick, it's gonna be another eight fucking grand tonight, it's gonna be another eight fucking grand tonight, and tomorrow night, and the next night.
and tomorrow night, and the next night.
Sounds like one hell of an expensive blow job.
Sounds like one hell of an expensive blow job.
And I wouldn't have minded even that, And I wouldn't have minded even that, but not one of them was even remotely fuckable.
but not one of them was even remotely fuckable.
Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go? Well, I don't get it.
Where did they all go? The music was fucking awesome, and only a buck a shooter.
The music was fucking awesome, and only a buck a shooter.
Where you boys been all night? Where you boys been all night? Poppers.
Poppers?! Poppers.
Poppers?! That dump's older than I am! That dump's older than I am! The only thing that is.
(All snicker) The only thing that is.
(All snicker) There you have it.
There you have it.
You of all people should know, You of all people should know, there's no-one more fickle than a fag.
there's no-one more fickle than a fag.
(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
(Sighs) Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
The woman in front of me had a stack of coupons.
The woman in front of me had a stack of coupons.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.
Hey, sweetie.
Hi, Mommy.
Did you have fun with Momma? Yeah.
Did you have fun with Momma? Yeah.
Here's the mail.
Thanks.
Here's the mail.
Thanks.
OK, big boy.
Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.
OK, big boy.
Gather up your toys.
It's time to go.
Momma, I don't wanna go.
Momma, I don't wanna go.
Are we gonna go through this every time? Are we gonna go through this every time? Hmm.
Hmm.
It's OK, sweetie.
It's OK, sweetie.
I'll see you tomorrow when Mommy goes to work, OK? I'll see you tomorrow when Mommy goes to work, OK? How's J.
R.
? Up all night screaming.
How's J.
R.
? Up all night screaming.
Why didn't you let me take her? Why didn't you let me take her? You can't be up all night and look after Gus and work all day.
You can't be up all night and look after Gus and work all day.
But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK? But you're exhausted.
Don't worry about me, OK? I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.
I can handle it.
No-one said you couldn't.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
Don't start.
I'm not starting anything.
I just wish there was some way we could I just wish there was some way we could Kiss and make up? Get along.
Kiss and make up? Get along.
Shit! What is it? Shit! What is it? That little fucker hired a lawyer.
That little fucker hired a lawyer.
Her name is Bobby Bennett.
Her name is Bobby Bennett.
Thought she was married to Hugh Hefner.
Thought she was married to Hugh Hefner.
That's Barbi Benton.
That's Barbi Benton.
This is a tough gay lawyer.
This is a tough gay lawyer.
She took the first gay adoption case in Pennsylvania She took the first gay adoption case in Pennsylvania to the State Supreme Court and won.
to the State Supreme Court and won.
She said as J.
R's biological father She said as J.
R's biological father I have rights and I should fight for them.
I have rights and I should fight for them.
No! No, I don't like it there.
No! No, I don't like it there.
So, she's agreed to take our case.
So, she's agreed to take our case.
Glad to see you standing up for yourself.
Glad to see you standing up for yourself.
Just sorry it had to come to this.
Just sorry it had to come to this.
They didn't leave me any choice.
They didn't leave me any choice.
Is this where you want it, Deb? Is this where you want it, Deb? Where I want it's in the garbage, Where I want it's in the garbage, but it's Carl's favourite chair, so but it's Carl's favourite chair, so There.
That's better, huh? Oh, yeah.
Much better.
There.
That's better, huh? Oh, yeah.
Much better.
Well, I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised Well, I'm not gonna let my daughter be raised by a couple of single mothers by a couple of single mothers When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers.
When there's a loving, stable home with two fathers.
Single mothers.
Hmm? Single mothers.
Hmm? You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me? You just said "single mothers".
You mean like me? I wasn't talking about you.
I wasn't even thinking about you.
I wasn't talking about you.
I wasn't even thinking about you.
Yeah, so what else is new, but I was a single mother.
Yeah, so what else is new, but I was a single mother.
And guess what? And guess what? Even without a father, you still had enough sense Even without a father, you still had enough sense to come in out of the rain - sometimes! to come in out of the rain - sometimes! That's not what I was talking about.
That's not what I was talking about.
For Christ's sakes, Mom, would you stop misinterpreting? For Christ's sakes, Mom, would you stop misinterpreting? Who's misinterpreting? Who's misinterpreting? Deb, all we're saying I know what you're saying! Deb, all we're saying I know what you're saying! I speak the language, thank you very much.
I speak the language, thank you very much.
You think 'cause there's two of you You think 'cause there's two of you that you're better-equipped to raise a kid.
that you're better-equipped to raise a kid.
Well, let me tell you two experts something - Well, let me tell you two experts something - not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner not everyone is fortunate enough to have a partner and enough money to stay home and raise their kids.
and enough money to stay home and raise their kids.
Some of us had to work night and day! Some of us had to work night and day! Sometimes till two in the fucking morning! Sometimes till two in the fucking morning! So that our kids could have sneakers and jeans and walkmans So that our kids could have sneakers and jeans and walkmans and go to the movies just like all their friends.
and go to the movies just like all their friends.
And while we were out there working, And while we were out there working, we were just hoping and praying to God we were just hoping and praying to God that they didn't get sick or get in trouble! that they didn't get sick or get in trouble! But we had no choice.
But we had no choice.
We made whatever sacrifice we could for our kids' happiness.
We made whatever sacrifice we could for our kids' happiness.
So, if you two think you can do it better, So, if you two think you can do it better, all I got to say is all I got to say is .
.
good for you.
.
.
good for you.
I almost didn't recognise you since you gained all that weight.
I almost didn't recognise you since you gained all that weight.
It's not that much.
It's not that much.
I wish I could gain weight like that.
I wish I could gain weight like that.
I try and I try, and I eat and I eat, I try and I try, and I eat and I eat, but no matter what I do, I just can't keep it on.
but no matter what I do, I just can't keep it on.
Pity.
Chocolate? Pity.
Chocolate? I'm on a diet.
I'm on a diet.
Oh.
And it's already working.
Oh.
And it's already working.
Your hair is getting thinner.
Your hair is getting thinner.
Look, whatever else is going on, I've always had a healthy head of hair.
Look, whatever else is going on, I've always had a healthy head of hair.
Well, I hate to contradict Mrs Brolin, Well, I hate to contradict Mrs Brolin, but the mirror only has one face, and you're looking at it.
but the mirror only has one face, and you're looking at it.
Shit.
I'm getting bald.
Shit.
I'm getting bald.
(Stammers) What do I do? What do I do? (Stammers) What do I do? What do I do? Revert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke? Revert to Judaism and wear a yarmulke? There's no use fighting it, sweetheart.
There's no use fighting it, sweetheart.
I'm afraid age is the last trick any of us picks up.
I'm afraid age is the last trick any of us picks up.
The problem is, after it fucks us it doesn't leave.
The problem is, after it fucks us it doesn't leave.
So if I were you, I'd stop singing the title song from 'Poor Me' So if I were you, I'd stop singing the title song from 'Poor Me' and accept it.
and accept it.
Then what? Die? Then what? Die? Or move to Palm Springs, Or move to Palm Springs, pour yourself a martini and ogle the Mexican boys.
pour yourself a martini and ogle the Mexican boys.
Now, what shall we do with this? Now, what shall we do with this? Same old, same OLD? Same old, same OLD? (Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter how many of these weddings I do, (Emmett sighs) It doesn't matter how many of these weddings I do, I always get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.
I always get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye.
Maybe it's allergies.
What if everybody starts sneezing? Maybe it's allergies.
What if everybody starts sneezing? You see? I told you we should have had it indoors.
You see? I told you we should have had it indoors.
The only sniffles today will be sniffles of joy The only sniffles today will be sniffles of joy from how lovely the bride looks.
from how lovely the bride looks.
I still think I should have left my hair down.
My face looks too round.
I still think I should have left my hair down.
My face looks too round.
It's the perfect frame for the perfect picture.
It's the perfect frame for the perfect picture.
You hear that, honey? It's all an illusion.
You hear that, honey? It's all an illusion.
I'm a mess.
Are those rain clouds? I'm a mess.
Are those rain clouds? I think it's time to cue the 'Wedding March'.
I think it's time to cue the 'Wedding March'.
Those You need to relax.
Those You need to relax.
To my beautiful bride.
To my beautiful bride.
From now on, you are my morning news, my evening news From now on, you are my morning news, my evening news and my special report.
and my special report.
Don, what a beautiful sentiment.
Don, what a beautiful sentiment.
(Shrieks) Oh, my God! (Shrieks) Oh, my God! Oh, my God.
Alright.
Places, every Oh, my God.
Alright.
Places, every I told you something would go wrong.
I told you something would go wrong.
Didn't I tell you there'd be a disaster?! Didn't I tell you there'd be a disaster?! My blouse! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't! It's ruined.
My blouse! Look at me! How can I go out there? I can't! It's ruined.
Everything is ruined! Everything is ruined! (Sobs) Take it off.
(Sobs) Take it off.
What? Take it off! Take your blouse off! What? Take it off! Take your blouse off! Come on.
We've got a hundred guests watching.
Come on.
We've got a hundred guests watching.
Chop, chop! OK.
Chop, chop! OK.
(Sobs) (Sobs) Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Go, go, go.
I'm going.
Go, go, go.
I'm going.
I need a soup pot and two bottles of burgundy, please! Vite! Vite! I need a soup pot and two bottles of burgundy, please! Vite! Vite! Fast as we can, people! Fast as we can, people! What, do you want a chicken too? What, do you want a chicken too? It's a hell of a time to make coq au vin, It's a hell of a time to make coq au vin, two minutes before our wedding! two minutes before our wedding! Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?! Alright.
What the fuck are you doing?! Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
Just because I didn't carry her doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
See the choo-choo go round the tracks, sonny boy.
See the choo-choo go round the tracks, sonny boy.
See it? It sure is fun.
See it? It sure is fun.
But after a while, it gets monotonous and predictable, But after a while, it gets monotonous and predictable, and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and that's when we throw off the shackles of convention and relinquish control and cause senseless, tragic disaster! and relinquish control and cause senseless, tragic disaster! (Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that? (Makes explosion noises) Oh, my God.
Did you see that? Brian, what are you doing? Brian, what are you doing? I'm just teaching my son how to have fun.
I'm just teaching my son how to have fun.
Well, I wish you'd listen to me.
Well, I wish you'd listen to me.
"Just because I didn't carry her "Just because I didn't carry her "doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
" "doesn't mean I'm not her mother too.
" I was there every step of the way.
I was there every step of the way.
Impregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her.
Impregnating her, coaching her, taking care of her.
I even helped with the delivery.
I even helped with the delivery.
So who says you're not? Michael.
So who says you're not? Michael.
He's petitioning for joint custody and 50% physical custody.
He's petitioning for joint custody and 50% physical custody.
Who the hell does he think he is - the father? Who the hell does he think he is - the father? The agreement was that he would always be a part of the baby's life, The agreement was that he would always be a part of the baby's life, but Mel and I would raise her.
but Mel and I would raise her.
Together.
Doesn't make any difference.
Together.
Doesn't make any difference.
We're still the same people.
We're still Jenny Rebecca's parents.
We're still the same people.
We're still Jenny Rebecca's parents.
Well, he seems to feel differently.
Well, he seems to feel differently.
If only Melanie had been reasonable.
If only Melanie had been reasonable.
(Laughs) Melanie? Our little Melanie? (Laughs) Melanie? Our little Melanie? Reasonable? Reasonable? Instead of trying to force him out.
Instead of trying to force him out.
Now if he goes through with this, I'll be the one who's forced out.
Now if he goes through with this, I'll be the one who's forced out.
The court'll say I'm the one with no legal rights.
The court'll say I'm the one with no legal rights.
It looks like your mommy's in quite a predicament.
It looks like your mommy's in quite a predicament.
You're goddamn right she is.
You're goddamn right she is.
I can't believe what a mess my life's become.
I can't believe what a mess my life's become.
You need money? You need money? What I need is for you to talk to him.
What I need is for you to talk to him.
You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.
You're his best friend.
Hey, Gus.
It's OK, sonny boy.
It's OK, sonny boy.
We will get it back on track.
We will get it back on track.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
OK.
Flip the switch.
OK.
Flip the switch.
And that should just about do it.
And that should just about do it.
Would you take that, please? Thank you, thank you.
Would you take that, please? Thank you, thank you.
Oh, oh.
Over here.
Oh, oh.
Over here.
Perfect.
Perfect.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
Here we go.
And one, and two.
There.
It even matches your bouquet.
There.
It even matches your bouquet.
APPLAUSE APPLAUSE Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
Let's go, let's go, let's go! You're a genius.
I'm not a genius! You're a genius.
I'm not a genius! My Aunt Lula's the genius.
My Aunt Lula's the genius.
See, back in Hazelhurst, when I was a boy, See, back in Hazelhurst, when I was a boy, my momma worked and scraped my momma worked and scraped to buy me a pair of good white pants for church.
to buy me a pair of good white pants for church.
Well, before we got there I stole some boysenberry cobbler Well, before we got there I stole some boysenberry cobbler and imagine the rest.
and imagine the rest.
Well, Momma was just about to whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.
Well, Momma was just about to whup me, but Aunt Lula saved the day.
She picked a mess of boysenberries, made some boysenberry juice, She picked a mess of boysenberries, made some boysenberry juice, and the next Sunday I had the most fabulous purple pants and the next Sunday I had the most fabulous purple pants to wear to church, to wear to church, which I, of course, accessorised with a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.
which I, of course, accessorised with a yellow sweater and a pink scarf.
That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.
That's a hell of a story.
That's how I got my fairy wings.
By learning how to turn a disaster into something beautiful.
By learning how to turn a disaster into something beautiful.
Now, you two walk down that aisle and live happily ever after.
Now, you two walk down that aisle and live happily ever after.
Thanks.
Thanks.
'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS 'WEDDING MARCH' PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS Come on, honey.
Come on, honey.
There ain't no back room here, so I guess it's off to my place.
There ain't no back room here, so I guess it's off to my place.
Last time I looked, there was a back room at Babylon.
Last time I looked, there was a back room at Babylon.
Brian, hey, hey.
We, uhwe were planning to stop by later.
Brian, hey, hey.
We, uhwe were planning to stop by later.
Why not now and avoid the crowds? Why not now and avoid the crowds? Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on.
Look, it's not my fault the herd's moved on.
All the hot guys come here now.
All the hot guys come here now.
Not that one.
Jesus, look at him.
Not that one.
Jesus, look at him.
A tired old queen desperately trying to hold on to his A tired old queen desperately trying to hold on to his Teddy?! Teddy?! Et tu, Theodore? Et tu, Theodore? Brian, what are you doing here? Checking out the competition.
Brian, what are you doing here? Checking out the competition.
Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise? Me too.
Is that why you're in disguise? It's my new look.
It's my new look.
I was, uh, going for something newer, hipper.
I was, uh, going for something newer, hipper.
I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away.
I'm trying to bring them back to Babylon, not scare them away.
Well, you'd better do it fast or you're gonna lose your pants.
Well, you'd better do it fast or you're gonna lose your pants.
Might as well start now.
Might as well start now.
PANTING AND MOANING PANTING AND MOANING MAN: Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
MAN: Oh, yeah.
Fuck me.
You like that? Oh, yeah.
You like that? Oh, yeah.
How was your flight? How was your flight? (Cries) (Sings lullaby) (Cries) (Sings lullaby) OK.
Let's try this again.
OK.
Let's try this again.
KNOCK AT DOOR KNOCK AT DOOR Christ! What's going on in here? Christ! What's going on in here? I could hear her crying halfway round the block.
I could hear her crying halfway round the block.
Colic.
She's been up all night.
Colic.
She's been up all night.
Oh, she got that from Michael.
Oh, she got that from Michael.
I always knew he'd turn out gay - I always knew he'd turn out gay - he was a screamer from the day he arrived.
he was a screamer from the day he arrived.
Come here, honeybun.
Come here, honeybun.
Honeybun is what I used to call Michael.
Honeybun is what I used to call Michael.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Look, you really shouldn't be here, Look, you really shouldn't be here, considering he plans to sue me for custody.
considering he plans to sue me for custody.
You still haven't learned, have you? You still haven't learned, have you? We have a child here with a problem.
We have a child here with a problem.
You got a hot water bottle? In the kitchen, I think.
You got a hot water bottle? In the kitchen, I think.
Fill it.
Fill it.
With warm water.
With warm water.
(Cries) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
(Cries) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Yes, she is.
(Wails) Yes, she is.
(Wails) Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Grandma's gonna make it alright.
Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.
Yes, I know it hurts.
I know it hurts.
Here's Mommy.
Here's Mommy.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Debbie, I know you want to see your granddaughter, Debbie, I know you want to see your granddaughter, and I appreciate your help, but and I appreciate your help, but But what? But what? Until this thing's settled Until this thing's settled As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
As far as I'm concerned, it already is.
The three of you carrying on, The three of you carrying on, each of you wanting a piece of this poor child - it's shameful.
each of you wanting a piece of this poor child - it's shameful.
It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.
It's worse than that king.
You know the one - Solomon.
(Murmurs) Yes.
(Murmurs) Yes.
But the bottom line, I say a baby belongs with its mother.
But the bottom line, I say a baby belongs with its mother.
You do.
You do.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother.
Maybe it's because I'm a mother.
A single mother.
A single mother.
And anyone who isn't or never has been And anyone who isn't or never has been hasn't a fucking clue how tough that is, and that includes my son.
hasn't a fucking clue how tough that is, and that includes my son.
So whatever I can do to help, I'm here.
So whatever I can do to help, I'm here.
Thank you for being on my side.
Thank you for being on my side.
Now hear this Now hear this .
.
the only one whose side I'm on is my granddaughter's.
.
.
the only one whose side I'm on is my granddaughter's.
Isn't that right, honeybun? Isn't that right, honeybun? Oh, so tired.
Oh, so tired.
I hated it out there.
I hated it out there.
The weather never changes.
All anybody talks about is the business.
The weather never changes.
All anybody talks about is the business.
If you don't have a go project you're invisible.
If you don't have a go project you're invisible.
Yeah, as they say in the movies, cut to the chase.
The guys are hot! Yeah, as they say in the movies, cut to the chase.
The guys are hot! Except after a while they all start to look the same.
Except after a while they all start to look the same.
Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect bodies.
Perfect hair, perfect teeth, perfect bodies.
Sounds perfectly awful.
Sounds perfectly awful.
And you cannot trust anyone And you cannot trust anyone or believe anything that anybody ever says.
or believe anything that anybody ever says.
Everybody's just looking out for themselves and their careers.
Everybody's just looking out for themselves and their careers.
Yeah, sounds exactly like what you always hear about L.
A.
Yeah, sounds exactly like what you always hear about L.
A.
Lot of shallow, superficial assholes Lot of shallow, superficial assholes desperately trying to be what they're not.
desperately trying to be what they're not.
Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon? Hey, Deb, can I get a soup spoon? Sure can, honey.
They're over by the counter.
Help yourself.
Sure can, honey.
They're over by the counter.
Help yourself.
You're lucky you got out of there in one piece, baby.
You're lucky you got out of there in one piece, baby.
So much for 'Rage' the movie.
So much for 'Rage' the movie.
So much for 'Rage' the money.
So much for 'Rage' the money.
It's OK.
We'll be fine.
It's OK.
We'll be fine.
You know, it's just as well that they didn't make it.
You know, it's just as well that they didn't make it.
Ben, you were right - by the time they'd have finished it, Ben, you were right - by the time they'd have finished it, Rage would have wound up straight.
Rage would have wound up straight.
At least we still have the comic.
At least we still have the comic.
Our comic.
Our comic.
And most important, you're back here with us where you belong.
And most important, you're back here with us where you belong.
Yeah, what are you gonna do now, baby? Yeah, what are you gonna do now, baby? I haven't had much chance to think about it.
I haven't had much chance to think about it.
Don't you worry, baby.
Your old job is still here waiting for you.
Don't you worry, baby.
Your old job is still here waiting for you.
You could start bussing tables any time you want.
You could start bussing tables any time you want.
So, would you like to slit your throat now or after we have coffee? So, would you like to slit your throat now or after we have coffee? Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.
Emmett, welcome to Channel Five news.
Everyone is still raving about the wedding.
Everyone is still raving about the wedding.
Lila's friends want to know where she got that blouse.
Lila's friends want to know where she got that blouse.
Said they never saw such a beautiful colour.
Said they never saw such a beautiful colour.
Well, I'm just relieved everything worked out alright.
Well, I'm just relieved everything worked out alright.
If there's anything else I can do for you - If there's anything else I can do for you - your next wedding.
(Laughs) your next wedding.
(Laughs) Actually, there is.
Actually, there is.
I watched you day after day through this entire event.
I watched you day after day through this entire event.
You did? You did? And I have a little proposition to make.
And I have a little proposition to make.
You do? You do? I want you, Emmett.
I want you, Emmett.
Lord, what is it with me and straight men? Lord, what is it with me and straight men? Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered, but you're a married man now, so Mr McGruder, I'm very flattered, but you're a married man now, so What the hell are you? You don't think I (Laughs) What the hell are you? You don't think I (Laughs) Please! No! (Laughs) Please! No! (Laughs) Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.
Well, you did say you wanted me.
For the news team.
As what? Sports commentator? Weather girl? As what? Sports commentator? Weather girl? Either way, I think you'd be terribly disappointed.
Either way, I think you'd be terribly disappointed.
Listen, I don't have to tell you - queer is very hot right now.
Listen, I don't have to tell you - queer is very hot right now.
Everybody wants the gay perspective.
Everybody wants the gay perspective.
What do the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating? What do the gays think about fashion, cooking, decorating? Like you said, that little fairy magic Like you said, that little fairy magic that gives us straights a little twist.
that gives us straights a little twist.
And you want me to? To do a new segment.
And you want me to? To do a new segment.
Offer us the gay point of view.
Offer us the gay point of view.
Give us some tips.
Do some makeovers.
But I've never Give us some tips.
Do some makeovers.
But I've never After that magic act you performed at our wedding, you can do anything.
After that magic act you performed at our wedding, you can do anything.
That includes being Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.
That includes being Channel Five's 'Queer Guy'.
Without the lights and the music and the hot guys Without the lights and the music and the hot guys it's just a room, isn't it? it's just a room, isn't it? It's all an illusion.
It's all an illusion.
Nothing but cheap theatrics.
Nothing but cheap theatrics.
Sorry about your baby.
Jenny? Sorry about your baby.
Jenny? Rage.
Oh, that.
Rage.
Oh, that.
Well, right now I've got more important things to think about.
Well, right now I've got more important things to think about.
(Sighs) (Sighs) So, why the urgent message on my cell? So, why the urgent message on my cell? I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone.
I want you to leave Melanie and Lindsay alone.
They have enough shit to work out right now They have enough shit to work out right now without you sicking your bulldog - or should I say bulldyke - without you sicking your bulldog - or should I say bulldyke - lawyer on them.
lawyer on them.
What the fuck business is it of yours if I wanna hire a lawyer? What the fuck business is it of yours if I wanna hire a lawyer? Who the fuck are you to? Who the fuck are you to? (Laughs) I'm Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am.
(Laughs) I'm Gus's father, that's who the fuck I am.
You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive! You had to lose a ball before you even knew he was alive! I'm sorry.
That was an uncalled for remark.
I'm sorry.
That was an uncalled for remark.
It's just thatbecause they're your son's parents too It's just thatbecause they're your son's parents too I thought you'd understand.
I thought you'd understand.
What I understand is that if you go through with this, What I understand is that if you go through with this, Lindsay's gonna be the one that gets left out.
Lindsay's gonna be the one that gets left out.
She's gonna be the one that gets fucked over.
She's gonna be the one that gets fucked over.
Well, she should have thought of that Well, she should have thought of that before she cheated on Mel and then lied to me.
before she cheated on Mel and then lied to me.
Christ! Would you give it a rest, already? We all know the story.
Christ! Would you give it a rest, already? We all know the story.
Why don't you stop defending her for a change Why don't you stop defending her for a change and try defending me, your best friend?! and try defending me, your best friend?! Right now the best thing for Jenny Rebecca Right now the best thing for Jenny Rebecca is to be with Ben and me in a stable home, is to be with Ben and me in a stable home, not being passed back and forth between two battling lesbians.
not being passed back and forth between two battling lesbians.
When did you change? When did you change? What? What? When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit? When did you become this pious, sanctimonious, judgmental twit? The point is not when did I change.
The point is not when did I change.
The point is why haven't you? The point is why haven't you? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up? When are you gonna stop being some over-the-hill club boy and grow up? Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval too.
Oh, so now I'm the object of your disapproval too.
You and the nutty professor get married in fucking Canada, You and the nutty professor get married in fucking Canada, you move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals you move to Stepford Avenue with all the other ersatz heterosexuals and suddenly that gives you the right and suddenly that gives you the right to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? to make pronouncements on everybody else's life? Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey.
Well, welcome to the other side of your perfect marriage, Mikey.
It's called gay divorce.
It's called gay divorce.
Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives Fags and dykes can fuck up their lives just like the rest of the world.
just like the rest of the world.
I'm just trying to do what's best for my daughter I'm just trying to do what's best for my daughter and protect my rights.
and protect my rights.
I'm sorry you can't see that.
I'm sorry you can't see that.
SONG: # How do I look? SONG: # How do I look? # Huh? # Huh? # How do I look? # How do I look? # How do I look? # You look good # How do I look? # You look good # How do I feel? # You feel good # How do I feel? # You feel good # How do I look? # You look good # How do I look? # You look good # You're looking good and feeling gorgeous # # You're looking good and feeling gorgeous # DOORBELL RINGS DOORBELL RINGS Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.
Just call me the 'Queer Guy'.
Wouldn't that be like calling the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'? Wouldn't that be like calling the Pope the 'Catholic Guy'? Don McGruder, the producer of the Channel Five news - Don McGruder, the producer of the Channel Five news - I just did his wedding - I just did his wedding - wants me to join the news team.
wants me to join the news team.
I am returning to the cameras, this time with my clothes on.
I am returning to the cameras, this time with my clothes on.
I'm gonna be Channel Five's 'Queer Guy', I'm gonna be Channel Five's 'Queer Guy', sharing tips, making quips, sharing tips, making quips, and generally showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous.
and generally showing Pittsburgh how to be fabulous.
You can start by showing me.
You can start by showing me.
Look at my hair and my gut.
Look at my hair and my gut.
My face.
My face.
God, I look like a shar-pei.
God, I look like a shar-pei.
There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
Would you stop being a friend and be honest? Would you stop being a friend and be honest? I am being honest! I am being honest! Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Come here.
Look at yourself.
(Sighs) Look at yourself.
(Sighs) Your true self.
Your true self.
The self that kicked crystal, that completed the Liberty Ride, The self that kicked crystal, that completed the Liberty Ride, that got a great job.
that got a great job.
You turned your life around, Teddy, You turned your life around, Teddy, and that is something to be very, very proud of.
and that is something to be very, very proud of.
You're practically a hero, OK? You're practically a hero, OK? So, who cares if you put on a few pounds or have a few character lines? So, who cares if you put on a few pounds or have a few character lines? Stop looking at the shell and see the pearl.
Stop looking at the shell and see the pearl.
You're right, Em.
You're right, Em.
You're so right.
You're so right.
It did sound good, didn't it? It did sound good, didn't it? Maybe I can use that in a segment.
Maybe I can use that in a segment.
Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to get to the gym Well, this 'Queer Guy's got to get to the gym and then, uh, get some beauty rest.
and then, uh, get some beauty rest.
The camera's merciless, you know.
The camera's merciless, you know.
It shows every line and immediately adds 10 pounds.
It shows every line and immediately adds 10 pounds.
I'll see you, baby.
I'll see you, baby.
Thanks, Em.
Thanks, Em.
Hey, you're gonna make a great 'Queer Guy'.
Hey, you're gonna make a great 'Queer Guy'.
You already are.
Can't help it.
You already are.
Can't help it.
(Dials phone) (Dials phone) Hi, yes.
Hi, yes.
My name is Ted Schmidt My name is Ted Schmidt and I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
and I'd like to make an appointment to see the doctor.
BELL RINGS Be right with you.
BELL RINGS Be right with you.
My attorney advised me not to talk to you.
My attorney advised me not to talk to you.
Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd say she's being overly cautious.
Well, I'm an attorney too and I'd say she's being overly cautious.
After all, we're friends - family.
After all, we're friends - family.
Are we? I'm sure we can work this out.
Are we? I'm sure we can work this out.
Save ourselves a lot of grief and legal expenses, Save ourselves a lot of grief and legal expenses, which if I know anything about lawyers which if I know anything about lawyers is why she doesn't want us communicating.
is why she doesn't want us communicating.
Look, I admit I overreacted.
Look, I admit I overreacted.
I was just being protective, the way any mother would.
I was just being protective, the way any mother would.
You can understand that.
You can understand that.
I suppose.
I suppose.
There's no question you're part of Jenny Rebecca's life.
There's no question you're part of Jenny Rebecca's life.
It's just that she's so young.
It's just that she's so young.
She's still breastfeeding.
She's still breastfeeding.
So I was thinking that maybe later on down the road - So I was thinking that maybe later on down the road - say when she's four or five - say when she's four or five - she can spend some time with you and Ben.
she can spend some time with you and Ben.
I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you? I think that's perfectly reasonable, don't you? How dumb do you think I am? How dumb do you think I am? No, don't answer that.
I can imagine.
No, don't answer that.
I can imagine.
First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true - First you tell me I have no rights, which isn't true - I have as much rights as you.
I have as much rights as you.
Now you try to get me to agree not to take her until she's four or five.
Now you try to get me to agree not to take her until she's four or five.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not backing off.
I'm sorry, Mel.
I'm not backing off.
I can't believe you're doing this! I can't believe you're doing this! After we stood right here in your store After we stood right here in your store and agreed that you could be the father and agreed that you could be the father instead of just the sperm donor.
instead of just the sperm donor.
Then why won't you let me have her? Then why won't you let me have her? Because you don't know shit about raising a baby.
Because you don't know shit about raising a baby.
Even your own mother agrees! My mother? Even your own mother agrees! My mother? She thinks you're behaving like an asshole.
She thinks you're behaving like an asshole.
Oh, really? Oh, really? You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks.
You know what? I don't give a flying fuck what my mother thinks.
Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too and I'm going to have joint custody.
Jenny Rebecca is my daughter too and I'm going to have joint custody.
Then you go ahead and try.
Then you go ahead and try.
But let me tell you - But let me tell you - you're not only up against one angry mother and lesbian, you're not only up against one angry mother and lesbian, you're up against one pissed-off lawyer.
you're up against one pissed-off lawyer.
So So .
.
was it all you remembered? .
.
was it all you remembered? And more.
And more.
What about you? What about you? Mmm.
It wasOK.
Mmm.
It wasOK.
(Laughs) (Laughs) Just OK? Just OK? It was great.
It was great.
Say it was great.
(Laughs) Say it was great.
(Laughs) Say it was great.
Say it was great.
Say it.
(Laughs) Say it.
(Laughs) It was great, it was great, it was great.
It was great, it was great, it was great.
It was great.
It was great.
It was.
It was great.
It was.
It was great.
I thought you were never coming back.
I thought you were never coming back.
I figured.
I figured.
Well, why would you? Well, why would you? Can't imagine.
Can't imagine.
What's this? What's this? It's one of my storyboards from the movie.
It's one of my storyboards from the movie.
It's good.
It's good.
Thanks.
Thanks.
What? Nothing.
What? Nothing.
I told everyone how shitty it was out there, I told everyone how shitty it was out there, how stupid everyone was.
how stupid everyone was.
The truth is, I loved it.
The truth is, I loved it.
I know.
I know.
It was hot, it was fun, it was exciting.
It was hot, it was fun, it was exciting.
We were gonna change the world - the first gay superhero.
We were gonna change the world - the first gay superhero.
Now it's over.
Now it's over.
Now you're back.
Now you're back.
It must be quite a let-down after all that.
It must be quite a let-down after all that.
There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
There's still one thing Pittsburgh has that Hollywood doesn't.
That is, if the offer still stands.
That is, if the offer still stands.