Roseanne s05e02 Episode Script

well, okay, Becky, I won't hang up this time if you don't.
So, how's it going? Well, we found a really cool apartment In South Minneapolis, And we need to come home this weekend and pick up the rest of my stuff.
Well, if you come by the garage sale early enough on Saturday, You can get most of it.
We're only coming back if you agree to some ground rules.
What kind of rules? Number one, no yelling.
Number two, you can't-- well, nice talking to you, Becky.
Come on, mom.
You said you wouldn't hang up.
Look, you can have some rules too.
Okay.
No eloping.
Mom Well, don't come walking in this house like you've won Some great, big victory over me and your dad.
Don't be expecting our blessing, Don't be expecting any money, and don't be expecting.
I'm not, mother.
Well, you always were a good girl, Becky conner.
Becky healy.
I'm Mrs.
Becky healy.
Well, I'd love to stay and chat with you, Becky, But I have to slam the phone down now.
[theme.]
[Roseanne laughing.]
Hey.
Coffeeemaker's broke again.
Well, so are we, so fix it.
I'm sorry, honey.
I've done everything I can.
We'll have to let go.
I'm pulling the plug.
Dan, you know if I don't get coffee in the morning, I can get cranky.
Here.
Just a pinch between your cheek and gum.
Where's that instant crap I save for company? My god, it's decaf! Who let that into the house? We got to get a new coffeemaker.
Oh, honey, now, we're trying to cut back.
Oh, did you cancel the cable? Well [as ricky ricardo.]
lucy! No, I didn't cancel it, but it's not like I paid the bill or nothing.
Oh, hello! God, you're way too happy.
Go out and come back in.
Be nice.
Roseanne, brought you breakfast.
Oh, coffee cake.
Ironic, isn't it? Listen, guys, I'm really sorry To hear about Becky.
Did that come out right? I never know what to say in these situations.
I mean, I just feel so uncomfortable.
It's just, like, torture.
Gee, Nance, that's rough.
Let us know if there's anything we can do.
So Nancy and are are gonna go down to the mall And find me a dress for the singles dance tonight.
You want to come along and Undermine my self-confidence? Well, how sweet of you to ask me, and I'd love to go, But no, I can't, because Becky and Mark are gonna come over today.
Oh, wow! How'd you pull that off? Well, we worked out a truce.
[Jackie.]
well, that's great, right? That's really great.
I got some repair work out in the garage.
What kind of repair work? Couple bikes.
You have to do it now, when Becky and Mark are gonna come over? I don't fix 'em, we don't eat.
Well, you are gonna come in and say hi When they come home, aren't you? Dan? [door shuts.]
Whoa.
Yeah, I know.
Is he at least talking to you about it? No, he doesn't want to talk to anybody.
He just wants to fix things.
That is so destructive.
Yeah, and, you know, it's just the calm before the storm, Because when he sees Becky, he's going to go ballistic.
I mean, things are gonna get really ugly around here.
It'll be kind of nice to have everything back to normal.
Hey, is anybody home? Hey, look.
It's joanie and chachi.
How you doin', little brother? Fine.
Except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.
So where's mom? She's in the kitchen With the knives.
You want me to go in there with you? With The knives.
Listen, why don't you go on to your parents'? By the time you get back, everything will be fine.
Okay? All right.
I'll see you later.
Bye.
[door shuts.]
If you lie very still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
Mom? Hey.
Hey.
Um I'm married.
Yeah, me too.
Isn't it fun? So, how are things around here? How do you think? He needed a job.
He had to go.
What was I supposed to do? Well, how about, let him go.
Do you think he'd drop everything to follow you someplace? Yes, I do.
You know, it was Mark's idea to get married.
Well, call me old-fashioned, but what's wrong with living in sin? We made the right decision.
I love him, mother.
Are you sure that he loves you? I'm sure.
[muttering.]
Come on, mom.
He didn't have to ask me to marry him.
I mean, it sure wasn't for my inheritance.
That's a good one.
All right, well, maybe there's a very small chance That this isn't the very worst mistake You're ever gonna make for the rest of your life.
Thanks, mom.
So What was your wedding like? Well, we went to this justice of the peace, And he did it in his living room, And his wife threw rice at us.
So are those, like, your wedding jeans? 'cause, you know, you might want to save those So you can pass 'em on to your own daughter.
Oh, we just wanted to get married.
It didn't matter.
It did to me.
You know, I didn't want much.
I just wanted, like, a cake And some flowers and a band.
And I wanted to be there.
Oh, I'm sorry, mom.
All right.
Well, I'm almost numb, so where is Mark? Well, he had to go to his parents' house.
They're giving us some furniture and stuff.
Oh.
Well, we're gonna give you something too.
You're kidding! What? Uh, uh, a coffeemaker.
Feel that? Mm-hmm.
I'd say the rear shocks are gone.
Definitely the rear shocks.
We have to rebuild the whole rear section.
Hope the brakes aren't gone too.
[spits.]
[attempts spitting.]
I can't do it.
[spits.]
Thanks, dad.
Anytime, son.
Hi, there.
Becky, you're back! Hi, Deej.
Did you bring me anything? No, Deej.
I've been a little busy.
Okay.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Hi, dad.
Becky.
So how's it going? Pretty good.
Yeah? Becky? Yeah? You're hurting me.
So, dad, um, I just figured we should talk.
I just want to say that I didn't mean to hurt you.
It's just that you never would have let me do it any other way.
Mark and I really love each other.
I mean, you know what a great guy he is.
You were always the one that stuck up for him.
Mm-hmm.
Dad, I know what you're thinking, But I'm not screwing up my life.
I mean, Mark's got a great job, I'm gonna finish school while he works.
And hey, I can go to community college in minneapolis just the same as I can here.
Right.
Mom is okay with this.
Why can't you be? Come on! Things were so tough around here.
I was just another mouth to feed.
I thought I was doing you a favor by leaving.
Don't do me any favors, Becky.
How's it been going? Ask the chicken.
Yikes! What do you think? It's for the singles dance tonight, so I look too desperate, don't I? No.
You look just desperate enough.
Oh, thanks a lot, Roseanne.
Oh, with all I've been going through, I just don't have the strength to lie to you.
I'm sure you'll meet some really nice guy at the dance.
There.
I got a second wind.
Hi, jacks.
Hey, look who's here.
Mom, Darlene won't let me Put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.
Just so I know, Who am I supposed to be mad at? I am not moving to d.
J.
's room so she and my dork-in-law Can conceive some demon spawn in my bed.
I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.
Mark is my husband, mother.
We're not gonna stay in this house if we can't sleep together.
Fine.
Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.
Becky.
Becky! I was hoping that we'd get a moment alone together.
Before your mother gets back, I know it has been tough, But I just want to tell you, I think it's wonderful That you're starting your life out with somebody, And I wish you guys all the luck in the world, And whatever happens between you and the family or between you and Mark, I will always be there for you.
This is my great-grandma harris's wedding ring.
Oh, Jackie! She gave this to me before she died.
She made me promise never to tell Roseanne that I had it.
So I want you to put that away somewhere and don't ever let your mother see that.
Oh, Jackie, this means so much to me.
Oh, I know.
I'm really gonna miss you.
It's okay.
But don't you want to save something like this for when you get married? [mock sobbing.]
ohh.
[tv blaring.]
okay, well, it's Becky's last night home, So we're gonna have a happy family time together.
[children protesting.]
Oh, come on.
We're gonna sit here, and we're gonna visit.
Could we visit someone else? [knock at door.]
I'll get it.
It's Mark.
Hey! Oh, I missed you! Mm, we all did.
Come on in, honey.
Everything's okay.
Yeah, we're just sitting and visiting.
Are you hungry, honey? Yeah, I could fix you something.
No, I ate at my folks'.
Thanks anyway, mrs.
Conner.
Oh, no.
Don't call her "mrs.
Conner.
" Call her "mom.
" She likes that, don't you, mom? Well, I guess if I let you call me "mom," why not? Hey, rose Um, I'm finished out there.
I'm gonna wash up and go to bed.
Did you get anything to eat? I'm all right.
Good night, dad.
Uh, I wouldn't, Mark.
It's cool.
Mom Dan, I think, uh, Me and you should talk about this.
You're in my way.
Are you gonna move, or you want me to move you? Come on, Mark.
It's late.
Let's just go to bed, okay? Dan Happy family time is over.
Well, that was real pretty.
I don't want to talk about it.
Where are they sleeping? I thought you said you didn't want to talk about it.
Where are they sleeping? They're sleeping in the girls' room, And Darlene's going in d.
J.
's room.
Perfect.
Well, it was either that or let them go to some cheap motel Where they'd actually enjoy it.
I can't believe you allowed this.
Well, you give me a little bit of time, Dan, and no other choice, And I can just be a remarkable woman.
I got a choice.
I can go upstairs and put his head through a wall.
Dan Okay, I got another choice.
She's 17 years old.
I throw the punk out, and we get this thing annulled.
Yeah.
And then in 2 months, on her 18th birthday, She goes and does the exact same thing again.
Only this time she hates us, and we don't see her no more.
So that's your brilliant plan? We do nothing? Yeah.
Yeah, that is my plan.
'cause this way, at least we get birthdays and we get holidays.
Maybe we get a phone call once in a while.
But you go up there And you do something stupid, Dan, and we will lose her.
No, I wouldn't want to go up there and do something stupid, 'cause god knows she sure didn't! You know what's gonna happen? She's gonna get pregnant, she's gonna forget about school.
This is it! This is her life! What do you want to happen, Dan? You're screaming at me, okay? You're walking around here like some psycho.
What exactly is it that you want to happen? I want my bike shop back.
I want my daughter back.
I want things back the way they were before I screwed everything up.
So is that what you do out there all day long in that garage? You sit there and blame yourself? Well, maybe I do, but you know what? I'm allowed, she's not.
She's not blaming you, Dan.
She's really happy right now.
She's gonna wait until this whole marriage thing goes to hell, And then she'll blame you.
You've been a great father, Dan.
She's healthy, she's happy, and she can handle herself.
What more can we expect? Not this.
I can't go along with this, honey.
Well, Dan, you have to.
We don't have any other choice.
[bed creaking.]
I'm gonna be out in the garage.
[Becky.]
very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on d.
J.
's bed! Is this the last one? Yeah.
So I guess this is it.
Well, why don't you take that box out to the car So I can have a minute with your hubby here.
Sure.
Oh, I'll help you.
I got to get to work anyway.
Mark, take it easy.
Uh, you got safety flares? Yep.
You got yourself a good man, Becky.
All right, I knew this was coming, so We're too young, I'm not good enough for her, and I got no future.
Eyes on your own paper.
Look, you're just ticked off at me because you think I made Becky marry me.
Well, let me tell you something-- Becky doesn't do a damn thing she doesn't want to.
Okay.
That's fair enough.
She got married 'cause she wanted to.
Well, she also wants to finish high school.
And if she doesn't, I'm gonna know that that's because of you.
And she also wants to go to college.
And if she doesn't do that, Then I'm gonna know that that's because of you.
Hey.
I'm gonna take care of her, okay? So just back off.
[chuckles.]
foolish boy.
Oh, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore.
I'm your mother-in-law.
You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well, now I'm family, And you've seen the way I treat my family.
All packed.
Are we ready? Yeah, we are now.
D.
J.
, Darlene, get down here.
I'll be in the car.
Okay.
Does dad know we're leaving? Yeah, he knows.
Your sister's leaving.
See ya.
I hope you know how hard that was for him.
Take it easy.
You too.
I'll miss you.
Will you call? Promise.
I love you, Becky.
I love you, Darlene.
Did you ever know that you're my hero? You are the wind beneath my wings.
All right.
Knock it off.
See ya, bubble butt.
Later, Morticia.
Okay, well, Call me as soon as you get there, And then every hour after that.
Wait a minute.
Um, do you remember My great-grandmother harris? Well, she gave me her wedding ring, And, um, I would like for you to have it.
But you can never, ever let aunt Jackie see it.
Thanks, mom.
Say good-bye to dad for me, okay? Bye-bye, mom.
Bye, Becky.
They're gonna call as soon as they get in.
She's gonna take a high-school equivalency test, you know, And then she can Start junior college mid-year.
She says they got a pretty nice apartment.
I think he'll take good care of her.
He's making really good money, And he's really afraid of me.
Good.