Rules of Engagement s05e02 Episode Script

Good morning, Timmy.
Oh, Allison, a very good morning to you as well.
Do you happen to know if this coffee is fresh? If it were any fresher, you'd have to slap it.
Ha.
That's funny.
Indeed.
Anyway, guess I'll see you around.
Yes.
And I wish you a peaceful Tuesday.
Peaceful? To offset the influence of mars, the God of war, for whom Tuesday is in fact named.
Huh.
How 'bout that? Wow, you hit her with the origin of Tuesday, And she's still not naked.
Oh, you're here.
Clearly the shuttle tour from hell is back up and running.
Rough way to treat your mentor.
Gum? No thanks.
No, I mean, gum.
So, uh, you likey the new girl.
What would make you say that, sir? Well, please, your goggles are all fogged up, and you were smiling so big you looked like the Cleveland indians' mascot.
Now then, I do admit to being quite taken by Allison.
She has a certain something I can't quite put my finger on.
Ah, well, she's not gonna let you put your finger on it if you keep with the days of the week fun facts coming.
Sir, not every romantic interaction begins with, "you're not a cop, are you?" Listen, as your mentor-- you're not my mentor.
As your mentor, if you want to bag Allison, you gotta step into it a little bit, you know? Notch up the offensive.
I'm not trying to bag Allison, sir.
I am trying to lay the groundwork for a meaningful relationship.
Dude Groundwork's all you'll be laying.
Good one.
Listen, I know chicks like this, and they're all librarian on the outside.
But inside there's a sexy ViXen waiting for you to bust her out of her cage.
Save your breath, sir.
I'd much sooner take romantic advice from Mr.
eldrick "tiger" Woods.
Ouch.
If I've offended you, I apologize.
Which might in fact be an opening for you to apologize for all your offensive comments aimed at me.
Hmm? No? Didn't think so.
Ha-ha! Hey, what are you doing at Timmy's computer? I'm sending an email to that new chick from Timmy.
But Timmy's not here.
Has anyone ever successfully explained something to you? Ha, lots of times.
Great.
Okay, I'm sending it as Timmy because he doesn't know how to close the deal.
So as his mentor-- uh, you're not his mentor.
I'm his mentor, all right! I'm giving him a little poetic assistance.
"And lick the vanilla icing off your sweet rack"? I wanted to go romantic.
How many ways to say I love you? how many ways to say that I'm not scared with you by my side there is no denying that I can't wait for me and you Mmm.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, by the way, I found my other rollerblade, so you can disregard my email.
You'll never guess where I found it.
I never will.
Look, you and I have hung out a lot today.
Oh.
So Can I finish my beer? How much is left? It's, like, less than half.
Fine.
Hey, Jeff, I'm on hold with the people from that pilates studio.
They say I'm not signed up for my class.
You mailed that check, right? Oh, jeez, no.
I'm sorry, Aud.
It's right over here.
How could you forget that? It was weeks ago.
Yeah, I'm still here.
Um, I owe you an apology.
Oh, man, looks like doghouse city for you.
Oh, I'm gonna be fine.
How do you figure, man? Audrey had the same look jenn had when she found my rollerblade in her bubble bath.
See, whenever aud screws up, instead of getting mad and shoving it in her face, I just deposit it into this handy file.
The bank.
The bank? That's right.
Then when I screw up, I withdraw one of her old screwups to neutralize her anger.
Seems kind of petty and manipulative.
Thanks.
Great, you didn't mail that check, and now there are no more spots left in the class.
Bet you never forget to mail a check to the beer of the month club, do you? First of all, I have that on autopay, and, you know, I said I was sorry.
And people forget things.
I mean, just by way of random example, uh, a few weeks ago, you forgot to return that mamma Mia! DVD.
By the time we found it in the couch cushions, we owned it.
For 80 bucks.
Well, that was-- a similar incident, sure.
But I only bring it up to show that people aren't perfect.
Well, that's true.
I don't think I even got mad at you.
No, you were actually pretty understanding.
So I guess this is, like, a teachable moment.
You're right.
I'm sorry I got upset.
Apology accepted.
Anyway, I'm going to the dry cleaners.
You want me to pick you up a pizza? I'll end the suspense.
Yes.
Bye.
She-- she stopped being mad, and she's gonna get you a pizza? Thank you for banking with us, Mr.
Bingham.
Oh, man, I gotta try this with jenn.
Well, I'm glad I could help.
Anyways, um I think we both know what this means.
Ah, good morning, my paid friend.
Yes, I'll just note that 2:15 is now part of the morning.
So make any progress with Allison, Hmm? She give you a shout-out on the old email machine, Hmm? No.
Really? Yes.
And before you tell me to notch up the offensive or step into it or put something on a rag and make her smell it I've got it under control.
Oh, fine.
Far be it from me to get involved.
Yes, it be far.
Well, I'm gonna take a little break.
You've certainly earned it.
But make sure you're back by 3:10 or you'll miss quitting time.
Oh, hey there.
Allison is it? Uh, right.
Hello, Mr.
Dunbar.
Hey there.
I don't think I've given you my official "welcome to the company.
" I have mace.
Jeez, relax.
Sorry.
It's just, I've heard some stories.
Oh, yeah? Well, some of them are probably exaggerated for all you know.
So having a little tea? Yes.
You know, speaking of tea, it usually comes from faraway places, like asia, and darker in color than, say, milk.
You know my assistant Timmy, right? I'm familiar with his work.
I think he likes you.
O.
M.
G.
Alert.
Yes, he's made that abundantly clear.
Ah.
Well, do you like him? I mean, I know he's no Tom cruise.
I mean, we know.
He's got the goofy specs, built like Mr.
salty, but he's a sweet kid.
Well, I thought so, but-- but what? Well, yesterday, he sent me this email that was just soShocking.
Ly good? Ly disgusting.
Turns out he's a total pig.
And an idiot.
Why is he an idiot? Well, to start, he spelled "straddle" with ts instead of ds.
It's ds? It was like being sexually harassed by a fourth grader.
Well, maybe when he was a kid he was dyslexic.
His parents didn't notice because they were too busy self-medicating with gin and cough syrup using their friends as pawns in their games of sexual chess.
Well, that might excuse his near-literacy.
With that ugly attitude, he'll never have any sort of meaningful relationship.
Sorry.
I guess those are tough words to hear about your friend.
Yeah, my friend.
Hey, hon, back from the store.
Oh, great, just in time.
Let me have the milk.
Oh, yeah.
You forgot to buy the milk? I just reminded you, like, It was the one thing I asked for.
Oh, yeah? Well How 'bout the time when we were broken up and you had sex with your ex-boyfriend, huh? What? Did you actually just say that? Yeah.
It shows that we all make mistakes.
This isn't a teachable moment, is it? We are the champions we are the champions no time for losers 'cause we are the champions of the world Jeff.
Yeah? Want in on this? No, I'm good.
I was just on the computer trying to cancel the check I wrote for that pilates class when I came upon a little file called "bank.
" Did you? Still feel like the Champion of the world? A file? You keep a file of every mistake I have made over the years? I'm sure I've missed a few.
I'm not perfect.
Oh, my God.
Every time when you were so understanding, it was just a ploy.
I learned early on that if you screwed up and I called you on it, you'd just get even madder at me.
I'd get nothing out of it.
Why do you have to get something out of it? Why can't you just be kind and understanding? That would be fine in a world of fairies and magic bunnies.
This is marriage we're talking about.
It's a constant series of battles to be won and lost.
How would you feel if I stored up your screwups, huh? Like when you forgot to pick me up at the airport, or that time you forgot your credit card at the strip club.
Well, I mean, first of all, those are technically part of the same incident.
And secondly, it sounds to me like you do store those up.
No, I just happen to remember them.
I don't log them into my hard drive.
Enjoy the guest room.
You know, you're the one who's always telling me that I should write stuff down so I don't forget it.
You should be proud of me! I think my bank needs a bailout.
So you sent this email to a woman, an actual human woman? Yeah, dude.
That stuff always works for me.
Oh, really? "I want to lick vanilla icing off your Lady bumps.
" That stuff only works on your particular brand of skank.
Yeah, don't think that you can play cupid just 'cause you're the same height.
I'm sorry, is this coming from two guys who spent last night spooning on a couch 'cause their chicks gave them the boot? We were not spooning, okay.
Jeff was in the guest room, and I was on the couch.
Till about 4:00 A.
M.
I heard a noise! I got scared! So sad.
Good day there, gents.
Hey.
Hmm, what's that? "Please join us for breakfast, Timmy.
" Thanks ever so much for asking, but I can't.
You see, the thing is, this is the morning I make my move on the enchanting Allison.
Hmm.
How's that work? What do you do? Visit the father's hut, swing a chicken around? No.
I am bringing her something that comes close to matching her in sweetness.
A cupcake.
Uh, chocolate? Vanilla.
Well then, wish me luck.
Hmm, no? Nothing? That's fine.
Silent prayers then.
Dude, he got her a vanilla cupcake.
It's too perfect.
No, it's not perfect, man.
You gotta stop him.
Yeah, he's walking into a buzz saw.
All right, you guys are probably right.
This could be the most humiliating experience of his life.
I should stop it.
I'm responsible.
I gotta be the one-- yay, pancakes! Knock, knock.
Timmy.
I bring sweets for the sweet.
Oh, I thought if I ignored you, you'd get the message, but apparently not.
Have I done something to offend you? Really? You have no idea about the poem you emailed me titled points of entry? Allison, I didn't send you any email.
Then what's this? Mr.
Dunbar.
What about him? He sent that.
You have to believe me.
Why should I? Allison, I was first in my class at Oxford.
Do you really think I'd spell "pelvis" with two ls? I guess not.
And I did think it was odd that you misspelled "finish.
" No, that's actually correct.
It refers to an apparatus he ordered from Finland.
But I assure you, I would never disrespect you or any other woman with this kind of language.
It's such a relief to know that you're still the charming gentleman I thought you were.
And an even greater relief to hear you call me charming.
Well, you are.
I mean, you're certainly not the kind of person that would want to watch me do this With a jar of that.
Goodness no.
Um And, you know, I'm certainly far too refined to even suggest that we try that.
How can you even do that? That's what the Helsinki harness is for.
But if we were to complete that act, one can see how it would segue very nicely into, uh-- oh, into that right there in all caps.
It all seems so forbidden and naughty.
Naughty indeed.
Hey, honey.
Hooray.
You're here.
Look, I feel really bad about last night.
So I brought you a little something.
That's cute.
Okay, look, I know this doesn't make up for what I said.
But I thought it might get us 2% closer.
You're such a dork.
I'm really sorry.
It was just so harsh and out of nowhere.
I know.
I mean, see, Jeff said-- oh, my God, I knew this smelled like him.
You know, lately so does the elevator.
Look, we don't need any of his relationship tricks.
I know, and to be honest, I'm not even upset that you slept with Serge the time we broke up.
Well, you shouldn't be.
Yeah, and I have got no right to complain because that week I slept with my ex and her friend.
Oh, look, we have another carton right here in the door.
Brain fart.
Well, I'd like the apartment to be bigger too, but I don't think that's gonna do it.
I'm stretching.
Something I was hoping to do in pilates.
Speaking of which.
You got me into the class? I did.
It was totally full.
How'd you do that? You know anything about scoliosis? No.
Well, read up, 'cause the pilates people think you have it.
Are you still mad about No, I'm not mad.
I'm just disappointed.
I don't want to be a couple who fights like that, all calculating, storing stuff up, using it later.
Tell you what, how 'bout from now on-- oh, I agree, no more fighting.
Well, that's a little pie in the sky.
I was gonna say, how 'bout we just fight about what we're fighting about at the time.
Okay.
Let's start by deleting the bank.
All right, and I'll get rid of this too.
You printed it out? Look, you know what, you gotta have backup of all your important files.
Let's just say that the computer crashes, what, are we gonna not fight? Oh, you've been saving this stuff up since I spilled gravy on your tuxedo? I wasn't gonna yell at you on our wedding day.
August '98, dropped new camera into the Grand Canyon.
'Cause you wouldn't wear the strap 'cause it clashed with your stupid purse.
Is what I didn't say at the time.
June '06, paid for insurance on rental car when credit card covered anyway.
January '09, asked for a bite of my sandwich, took three.
We have had some good times.
Yes, we have.
You know, maybe we shouldn't destroy this.
No? I mean, we don't take a lot of pictures.
Camera.
Grand Canyon.
Right.
It's pretty much the only record of our life together.
A scrapbook of our marriage.
Or evidence for our divorce.
Who knows where this crazy ride's gonna take us.
Hey, I recorded Gran Torino in the bedroom.
You want to go watch it? Yeah, sure.
Oh.
I think my Oprah has bumped it off the TiVo.
No problem.
We'll watch something else.
I'll be right in.
I'm gonna get some chips.
Okay.
The Office Depot people never let on quite how versatile this baby was.
When they called it a five-position chair, I think they missed a few.
Now, I think it's for the best if Mr.
Dunbar never learns of the role he played in prompting this most recent activity.
We wouldn't want to encourage his involvement in our affairs.
Agreed.
In fact, let's just delete that email right now.
Good idea.
Oh, and Allison Print out a copy first? You read my mind.