The Middle s05e02 Episode Script

Get up! Get up! First day of school! I mean it, people! We are not gonna be the la-- Oh.
- You're up already.
- Yep.
Turns out with no Axl pulling his dirty underwear over my head yelling, "Time's up!" and dragging me out of the bathroom, I had time to shower this morning.
I was even able to rinse and repeat.
Get up! First day of school! Get up! I'm sick of-- Oh.
They're up already.
I couldn't sleep anyway, it was so hot.
When are we getting the air conditioner fixed? I tried packing myself in popsicles, but I woke up covered in ants.
I told you, you don't fix the air conditioner when it's hot.
You wait till winter when the AC guys are desperate, and then you get a discount.
That's why I'm going tomorrow to look at snowblowers.
Is that why you guys didn't buy us any school supplies? No.
That we just forgot.
Look, you can get them in a couple weeks when they're cheap.
Meantime, you can just borrow from friends.
Um, that'll be probably be more of a two-step process.
What are you doing? Texting Axl to remind him he has Philosophy at 9:00.
You know, he's not a morning person.
Come on.
He's a big boy, Frankie.
He doesn't need mommy waking him up.
I've been thinking, why do I need to go to middle school, anyway? You know, I've done some research, and homeschooling is not out of the question.
It is at this home.
What now, Brick? Is this about the asbestos again? 'Cause I told you, they got that down to acceptable levels.
Okay, I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some concerns, not the least of which is I can't go to the bathroom.
Unh-unh.
No more quirks.
You're done.
It's not that.
Everyone knows if a sixth grader goes to the bathroom, eighth graders wait in there to give him a swirlie.
Brick, that's just a stupid legend that goes around.
That stuff doesn't really happen.
Mike, tell him.
Did you ever in your whole life get a swirlie? I didn't get them.
You'll be fine.
While Brick was worried about getting swirlied, Sue wasn't worried about a thing.
Oh, my God.
This feels amazing! I can't believe I'm actually getting to walk down this hall.
I know.
Me too.
Wait.
Why? Axl's locker was on this hall, and he would never let me walk down it, even though I had a class here.
I would have to go outside, and the old crossing guard would lift me up so I could crawl through the window.
Sue, we don't have a crossing guard.
Huh.
Then who was that? Anyway, I am free now.
I can go wherever I want.
I can do whatever I want.
I can even dance down this hallway, and there's no one here to call me a dork.
- You don't have to ask me twice! - Whoo! Hey.
Just getting home from work? Yep.
Had to catch up on some things.
Uh-huh.
You were sitting in the car with the air-conditioning on, weren't you? Hey, you're always saying you want some alone time, and I didn't know we were putting frozen chicken down our shirts.
Not when it's 100 degrees.
When it's hot, I want people around to complain to.
Ugh.
I can never get ahold of Axl.
I swear, this kid never texts me back.
I don't hear from him anymore.
What do you need to get in touch with him for, anyway? Well, for one, he's my son, and I'd like to know he's been eating.
He's fine, Frankie.
He's an athlete.
The coaches make sure they eat right.
Well, it's not just that.
There's been some mix-up in his schedule, and I need to make sure that he transferred out of Intro to Sosh.
You know what? I'm just gonna call him.
Hey, buddy.
How was-- Bathroom.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
Bathroom.
- He's not picking up.
- Hey, pal.
Did you ever transfer out of Intro to Sosh? Done.
You know a cool thing about being a football player? They sent some kid over to do it for me 'cause I'm, like, way busy.
- Sweet! - All right, then.
I'm gonna let you go.
What was that? He answered? - Yeah.
- What do you mean, "Yeah"? - Does he usually answer? - Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Okay, so, you're saying when you text him, - he texts you back? - Yeah.
Oh, my God.
We have any dip? No, we don't have any dip, Mike.
I can't believe Axl has been texting you this whole time and he won't text me! Oh, come on.
He's texted you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
I did get one text.
It said, "K-D-J-J-J.
" Pretty sure it was a butt text.
So, yes, I have heard from Axl's butt.
Well, that's something.
I just don't get it, Mike! Why won't he text me back?! Why is he doing this to me?! Why won't he answer my calls?! Maybe 'cause of that voice right there? I'm just saying, moms can be kind of clingy.
You got to be cooler about this.
I'm cool.
Look, you can't text him all the time.
You got to space them out.
And if you just called him, maybe wait a couple days before you call him again.
Oh, and be sure to hang up first.
You don't want to be the rambly one.
You want to make him come to you.
I'm not trying to date my son.
Trust me, Frankie, you just got to give him time to miss you.
But that could take years! Why is this thing even on, Mike? That vent's just blowing air from the outside.
Look, you need the airflow to cool you off when you sweat.
It's nature's air-conditioning.
I don't want nature's air-conditioning.
I want people's air-conditioning.
Thanks, but I'm off liquids until June.
I'm training myself not to go to the bathroom.
Brick, you need to drink something.
Your kidneys are gonna shut down, and we can't afford that.
Why are you still sitting in a lawn chair, Brick? You know, you don't have to be in a lawn chair when there's a perfectly good chair right there.
Unh-unh.
That's Axl's.
No way.
Well, he's gone now.
Finally, we are the size family we were always meant to be.
What? I thought I heard my phone buzz.
Look, it's been radio silence, and I've done everything you said.
I have been so good.
I went for two days without calling him.
I waited 36 hours between texts and not one word back-- nothing.
I said, "How'z it hanging?" With a "Z.
" It doesn't get more casual than that.
I followed your stupid rules and nothing-- I still get nothing.
Look, it's like I said before, Frankie.
You're too needy.
Guys can smell that, and they run.
I can't help it.
I miss my son.
It's normal to miss your son.
It's normal for him to be gone.
So you're saying you don't miss him at all? I'm saying it's how it's supposed to be.
I mean, I-I'm perfectly fine with him being gone.
I'd be fine if these two were gone.
Right here, dad.
- You know what I mean.
- Mm.
Dad's right.
I'm just gonna say it.
I am glad that Axl's gone.
And I'm not sorry for saying it, either.
He insulted me roughly 56 times a day, and that's being conservative.
I mean, you guys have no idea how many times it happened.
- Dork says, "Hey.
" - Hey! I'm sorry, but I'm a huge supporter of animal rights, and I just think it's wrong to put a monkey in clothes.
Which finger smells like butt? Which finger smells like butt, huh? Trick question.
They all do.
- Aah! - Aggh! But that's all in the past now.
Axl's reign of terror is over.
We're done being called Pew and Ick.
We are done cleaning his room only to find out there was no 10 bucks! Our time has come, Brick.
If you won't sit in his chair, I will! We're free now.
Our brother can't hurt us anymore.
Still better than having him here.
Well, apparently someone forgot to tell Indiana it was fall, 'cause it just got hotter-- so hot that Mike caved and called in a professional from the Midwest Institute of Air-Conditioning Repair.
I'm honored, sir, that you would call and trust me in my area of expertise.
So, can you fix it? No, absolutely not.
I've only had two classes, and one was picking out our shirts.
Okay.
Future professional.
Well, fine.
Just-- just do what you can, Darrin.
Limp it along till December.
Okay, but just so you know, I wouldn't feel right about taking your money.
Good, 'cause I can't give you any.
I can't take it! I got to go! Are you crazy? You can't go to the bathroom.
Don't you know what happens to kids who go in there? I heard there's an old eighth grader in there who never graduated, and if you try to run from him, your feet get stuck to the floor because of all the pee.
Well, I heard about someone getting a royal flush.
That's a double swirlie! He drank so much toilet water that eggs grew in his stomach.
And when he went to the hospital to get them removed from his stomach, spiders crawled out.
Oh.
Hi.
Hi! What's with us and trash, huh? Yeah.
It's like we're flies.
Yeah.
So, wow.
I didn't even realize you were here.
The first rule of being a good service technician is not disturbing the occupants of the dwelling.
Anyway, so, how's school going? Oh, it's great.
Uh, I have a ton of responsibilities this year.
You may have heard-- I am a Junior Peer Leadership Adviser.
You know, a JP-la.
Yeah.
I don't think I knew they had those.
Anyway, look at you, Mr.
Repairman man.
Yeah.
And look at you.
You do something different with your hair? Oh, I'm rinsing and repeating now.
Me too.
A lot of work goes into this.
Well, I should probably get going.
You know, all the JP-la responsibilities.
And I should probably get back to not being able to fix this.
Okay.
Well, bye.
Bye.
Uh, Sue? Mm-hmm? Oh.
Oh, hey.
Want to hear an interesting conversation? Not especially.
Mike-- "Call your mom.
" Axl-- "Ugh.
Why?" What are you doing? Is that my phone? Mike-- "'Cause she's your mom, and she wants to hear from you.
" Axl-- "Why, does she have extra nag minutes?" Mike-- "LOL".
LOL? You LOL'd that? You thought that was laugh out loud? When have you ever laughed out loud at anything? Look, I was just trying to help you out.
Oh, sure, 'cause your little marionette will only call his mom if the puppet master pulls the strings? You know, this is why-- Forget it.
What? Say it.
Nope.
Don't want to.
No, this is why what? Nobody wants to talk to me? You know what, Frankie? This is dangerous territory.
So, let's just forget it.
Now, give me my phone back.
Yeah.
Okay, okay, but just h-h-h-hold on a second.
Why? What are you doing? Hey, give-- give-- give me the phone.
Give it back! I want to see what you're doing.
I-I am not kidding you.
You give me the stupid phone.
- Hey! What are you, nuts? - Give-- give-- - What is this? - I don't know.
How would I know when it's not my phone? Oh, my God! Are you texting Axl as me? What?! No! "Hey, hotshot.
How about that sports team? And are you getting enough sleep?" - Frankie, really? - Well, I'm sorry.
I want to hear from my son, and I am not too proud to pretend to be you to do it.
I'm all left out in the cold while you two are little texting buddies.
Text, text, text.
"OMG".
"LMAO".
"Dad's so awesome.
" "Smiley face.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
" Fine.
Just forget it.
You can have each other.
You just get off on your little bicycle built for two and ride off into the sunset.
Just remember this-- Sue likes me better, and when she goes off to college, I'm gonna tell her not to call you.
What?! But I love dad.
I would never do that! Go to bed, Sue.
As more tall tales of the bathroom swept through school, Brick's quest to give up liquids continued.
He survived the track unit in gym class.
Ten more laps! And don't forget to drink lots of water! It's hot! He survived science class, where they were studying the Sun.
But what he hadn't counted on was Ms.
Harvey's fifth period.
Today, we are sampling foods from our neighbor to the south-- Méjico! Cuidado.
The salsa is muy caliente.
That's Mexican for "hot.
" Hey, Brad.
I need to talk to you about something.
It's about Darrin.
Ooh.
I'll set the table.
You bring the dish.
Okay, well, he came over to our house yesterday.
- What? Awkward.
- Yeah.
At first.
But then it was kind of nice.
Kind of like we'd never even broken up.
It was like there was this spark or something.
And maybe this spark is creating a blazing inferno inside your heart? Maybe.
It's just, I got to thinking.
Darrin and I always had a lot of fun together.
We would play mini golf, have crazy dance competitions, go through a drive-through and order with British accents.
The only reason I really broke up with him was 'cause Axl was being so weird about it.
But I'm not living my life for Axl anymore.
Sue, when you broke up with Darrin, I was all supportive, and I said, "Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
" But inside, I was like, "No, no, no!" - So you think I should go for it? - Uh-huh.
And the real "Uh-huh.
" Not the one with the screaming "No" inside.
I can't hold it anymore.
I'm going to the bathroom.
No, you won't survive! Want to punch me in the eye? Then you can go to the vice principal's office and use his bathroom.
That's all the way to Building "A.
" I'll never make it.
Building "A.
" Whoop! Try sneaking in.
Maybe that way, you won't draw attention to yourself.
No.
No sneaking.
We're sixth graders.
Yeah, we may not have hair on our arms or the courage to look a girl in the eye, and we sometimes yearn for the days of scheduled nap time, but we're still men-- small men, but men nonetheless-- and it's time to start acting like it.
So Brick set out to go where no sixth grader had ever gone before-- the bathroom.
Hey, how's it going? Hey.
That big kid came out and Brick didn't.
Something horrible has happened.
Maybe we should go in and help him.
You go.
Brick and I aren't that close.
- Yes! - All right! So Brick was a hero, admired and respected by his fellow classmates-- for about 10 seconds until Hey, Mr.
Heck.
I've completed a thorough diagnostic, and I've determined I have no idea what's wrong with the unit.
But on the plus side, we have a class on condensers Tuesday, so here's hoping it's the condenser, huh? Yeah, well, don't count on it.
It's our house.
So, hey, the Colts game's about to start.
Why don't you stick around and watch? - Oh, that sounds great.
- All right! But I can't.
Aw, come on.
I owe you.
The Pacers are in preseason, the Colts are in San Francisco, Brick just read our TV manual, and it turns out we got picture-in-picture.
You know, I appreciate it, but I got to go.
It's really hot in here.
Yep-- turns out Mike wasn't as fine as he thought with Axl being gone.
- Still here, dad.
- Oh.
Sorry.
Hey, you want to watch the game? No, I do not.
Uh.
Uh.
Darrin! Darrin! Wait up.
Wait up.
Sorry.
I take abnormally big steps.
I'm hard to keep up with.
Uh, listen.
How do I say this? Okay, uh, ever since Axl's been gone, I don't know if you've noticed, but I have just sort of blossomed into this whole new person, and I started thinking more about what I want, and I just kind of wondered if-- Hey, dude.
Oh, hi, Angel.
Angel, this is Sue.
Sue, this is Angel.
Angel's in the cosmetology program at Orson Beauty Academy.
We share a parking lot and a cafeteria with them.
Cool! Ooh, I really like your nails.
Thanks, yeah, I posted them on Facebook, and so far I've gotten 16 likes.
Ah! Amazing! So, can we go somewhere and talk? We were going to the movies.
Oh.
Okay.
Yeah.
I guess we can all do that, and then we can talk after? No, I meant the two of us.
Oh.
Well, that's weird, 'cause what is Angel gonna do? She's right there.
Sue, Angel and I go to the movies every Sunday night.
Well, that just makes it worse, Darrin, 'cause now she's expecting to go.
We better get going, Darrin.
The movie's gonna be starting soon.
If we miss any of the first five minutes, he's lost, like, the whole movie.
And then I'm asking her a bunch of questions, which drives her crazy.
You're lucky you're cute.
Oh, wait! I can't go to the movies.
Where is my head? Oh, there it is! Anyhoo, uh, the thing is, I totally promised my mom that I would help her make bolognese sauce.
It's really labor-intensive, but don't ask her about it, because she won't remember.
She's old.
So have fun, you two! Go! Go! Okay, so, yeah.
The story is Oh, hey, Sue, what did you want to talk to me about? Oh, nothing.
Uh, it was just about the air conditioner and how it's broken and can never be fixed.
But we waited too long to fix it, so I guess that's our fault.
Well, regular air-conditioning maintenance is important.
It really is.
What are you doing sitting alone in the dark? Oh, light bulbs are hot.
They heat up the room.
So, why didn't you go outside? 'Cause I'm getting ready to watch the game.
With the phone in your hand and the remote on top of the TV? You don't know how I watch games.
Oh, I know plenty.
And you know what I think? I think you miss your son.
Stop it.
No, you do.
You've got your phone in your hand so you can keep checking it so you don't miss any possible texts or phone calls.
I know the symptoms, Mike.
You miss your son.
I do not.
Admit it, Mike.
You love your son.
You love your son.
Look, East Indiana played Concordia yesterday, and I thought he would call to tell me about the game, but he got busy, I guess.
That's fine.
It's just different.
Axl and I were-- you know, we spent a lot of time together.
- I don't really relate to Brick.
- Right here, dad.
Nothing I wouldn't say to your face.
Well, this probably isn't the time to rub it in, but I got a text from Axl today.
- "Send shampoo.
" - Huh.
Looks like I'm the new favorite.
_ Hey! You're supposed to be away at college.
You got to stop calling so much.
I know, right? - You, uh, watching the Colts? - Yeah.
What a fourth quarter, huh? Did you see that pass to Wayne? Oh, yeah.
On the slant? - What a grab.
- Yeah.
Awesome.
Um, oh, hey, your mom is gonna send you that shampoo, - so be looking for that.
- Okay.
Will do.
Oh, and, hey, don't, uh, let her just put a bunch of dishwashing soap into a shampoo bottle, 'cause I know she does that.
Okay.
I'll make sure.
So, uh, what's going on there? Oh, well, not much.
Oh, I went outside yesterday, and, uh, I see that Ron Donahue bought a brand-new leaf blower.
Peak of the season.
Just throwing money away.
Sucker.
the guy.
Oh, so, tell me about your game yesterday.
- How did it go? - Oh