Big Bang Theory s05e03 Episode Script

Who wants the last dumpling? Ooh, me! Penny, a moment.
We just had Thai food.
In that culture, the last morsel is called the "greng jie" piece, and it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Thank you all for this high honor.
I've seen pictures of your mother; keep eating.
All right, honey, if we're gonna make the movie, we should go.
This may be hard for you to hear, but when I say "honey," I mean my fiancée.
Yeah, well, now it means her.
It's okay if he wants to come.
Fine.
But next time, we get a sitter.
All right, I got to go to work.
I'll walk down with you.
Wait.
Which is closer to the new train store in Monrovia, the movie theater or The Cheesecake Factory? Neither of them are close.
Oh, well, then I guess it doesn't matter which one of you drives me.
Let's play a fun guessing game to see who gets to take me.
All right, this four-letter word describes either a printer's type size or a compulsion to eat dirt.
Okay, I'm not driving him.
Penny, don't give up, you can get this.
Aren't you going with Sheldon? No, I have no interest in model trains, stores that sell them, nor their heartbreaking clientele.
Oh.
Well, I have some work to do, so I can't imagine that would disturb me.
Carry on.
Okay.
Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home? Not really, no.
All righty then.
Guess I'll just get started.
Leonard, please.
I don't need the running commentary.
♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪ ♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! ♪ The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! (sighs softly) - Amy? - Yo.
You okay? Oh, sure.
I thought you were reading.
I was.
Now I'm thinking about what I read.
You all right, Leonard? You seem very uncomfortable.
I-I'm fine.
Should I go? I've been told sometimes I overstay my welcome.
Wha who told you that? Well, most recently my gynecologist.
Well, you stay as long as you'd like.
I'm glad to hear you say that, because I'm having a wonderful time.
(chuckles) I said the same thing to my gynecologist.
What are you going to get at the train store, Sheldon? Oh, I'm not buying anything.
They're having a lecture.
"H-O gauge railroading.
Half the size of O-gauge, but twice the fun.
" Very controversial topic.
Which side do you come down on? I'll let you know after tonight.
Unlike some people, I'm going in with an open mind.
Who am I kidding? Of course we all know it's O-gauge or no gauge.
Can you believe grown men sit around and play with toy trains? That's pretty big talk for a man with a closet full of magic tricks at his mother's house.
First of all, they're not tricks, they're illusions.
And secondly, when we get married, they're all going up in the attic so you can have that closet for clothes.
Why would I keep clothes at your mother's house? Well, don't think of it that way.
Once we move in, it'll be our house.
Is she moving out? Why would she move out? It's her house.
Hang on.
You seriously think I'm going to live with your mother? Howard, I think I can help here.
Yes, Bernadette, that's exactly what he thinks.
Why not? It's a great house, plenty of room, and if we have kids, Mom's there to help.
You know, when she tells "The Three Little Pigs" story, she actually has hair on her chinny-chin-chin.
I'm not gonna live with your mother.
Not now, not ever.
Wow, someone obviously has some mommy issues.
Raj, take me home.
Don't listen to her.
Go to the movie theater.
Take me home now.
Movie theater! (groans) Okay, everybody calm down.
There is a simple solution here.
Raj, take me to the train store, and then I don't care what you people do.
How was your shower? It was good, good.
Just out of curiosity, what time do you usually go to bed? Oh, I'm up all night.
I'm like a possum.
Boy, you were not liked in high school, were you? Not really.
- Is that my yearbook? - Mm-hmm.
"Dear Leonard, you're really good at science.
Maybe one day you'll come up with a cure for being a dork.
" Well, it wasn't spray-painting a lightning bolt on my briefcase, I can tell you that.
If it makes you feel any better, the only person who signed my yearbook was my mother.
- Aw.
- "Dear Amy, "Self-respect and a hymen are better than friends and fun.
Love, Mom.
" Well, you can add Jerry's Junction to the list of train stores Sheldon Cooper will never set foot in again.
Rough night, Casey Jones? You don't know the half of it.
It was billed as a lively give-and-take on the merits of model train sizes.
But it was actually a setup to intimidate weak-minded spineless rubes into buying H-O starter sets.
What's in the bag? I don't want to talk about it.
But it's not a spine, I'll tell you that.
Well, I had a delightful evening, Leonard.
We should do this again sometime.
Ah, sure.
That'd be nice.
Glad to hear it.
I need someone to accompany me to the wedding of Dr.
Moranelli and Dr.
Gustufson this Friday.
They're kind of the Brad and Angelina of the primatology department.
Wouldn't you rather bring Sheldon? I would, but the last wedding we went to was a disaster.
He behaved like a child the entire time.
Not my fault.
You said there'd be other scientists there my age.
Doesn't matter.
You're out, he's in.
No date to the prom, two dates to a wedding.
Hmm, how times change.
(singsongy): Ha-ha, you have to go to a wedding.
(doorbell rings) WOLOWITZ: I'll get it! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Could you get it?! I just said I'm getting it! Fine, I'll get it! I got it! Oh, hi.
Hey.
I don't want to fight.
I was just surprised when you sprung the whole living-with-your-mom stuff on me.
Yeah, well, I'm sorry I didn't run it by you first.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs! The bugs only come here because you're their queen! Listen, how about this.
Before we make any kind of decision about where we live, we have a trial run.
Stay here for a weekend, see what it's like.
And your mom would be okay with that? Sure she would.
Ma, do you mind if Bernadette stays here this weekend?! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Hey, if she's willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no?! See? She's good with it.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Frankly, after all your sleepovers with the little brown boy, a girl is a big relief! All these years, I've been so wrong.
The tinier the train, the more concentrated the fun.
You're a brain scientist.
Can you explain to me why a brilliant man likes playing with toy trains? Not without cutting his head open, no.
How about making my eyes like Cleopatra? Really? For a wedding? Perhaps you're right.
My cheekbones and beckoning pelvis already have a certain "hello sailor" quality to them.
Ready.
Aw.
So handsome.
Like James Bond.
He's better than James Bond, because he's tinier.
I got you this to give to me.
Oh, sweetie, guests don't normally wear corsages to a wedding.
That's more of a prom thing.
I never went to my prom.
My mom paid my cousin to take me, but he just used the money to buy drugs.
Put the corsage on her.
When you're done copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.
(high-pitched): All aboard! Woo-woo! (normal voice): It's official.
I'm an H-O trainiac.
So, dinner went nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess.
Does your mother always cut your meat for you? Only when it's fatty.
Well, don't be jealous, babe.
Someday you'll get to cut it for me.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Bernadette! I found the extra head for the Waterpik if you want to use it! I'm okay, Mrs.
Wolowitz.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: You sure?! I just squirted half a brisket outta my teeth! Hey, Ma, how about a little privacy?! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Oh, I know what that means! Hubba-hubba! Oh, God.
Relax, it'll be fine.
Okay.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Let me know when you're done canoodling! Mommy needs a foot rub! Would you like to dance? No, thank you.
I'm really not much of a dancer.
You're not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist, either.
I'm sorry.
The bride and groom seem happy.
AMY: Why shouldn't they be? They have a feverish night of socially-approved copulation ahead of them.
In some cultures, we'd stand outside of their bedroom cheering as they achieved orgasm.
That sounds like a late night, and I have work in the morning, so Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here.
And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Oh, sorry.
This wedding just reminds me of my kinda-sorta girlfriend I have a kinda-sorta boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.
Leonard, a word of advice-- moody self-obsession is only attractive in men who can play guitar and are considerably taller than you.
I'm not moody.
I'm fun.
You have any evidence to support that statement? Well, hey, I'm just as much fun as you are.
Really? Are you willing to draw a mustache on your finger as a conversational icebreaker? I am.
Okay, fine, what do you suggest? We just had a lovely meal, the band is on fire and you're sitting next to a beautiful woman wearing whorish makeup.
Why don't we head out on the dance floor and see if I can sweat through these dress shields.
Once again, I-I'm really not much of a dancer.
Don't worry I'll lead.
("The Chicken Dance" playing) (imitating lightsaber) Howard? (imitates lightsaber turning off) Ready for bed? No.
I need to brush my teeth, but your mother's been in the bathroom for, like, an hour.
Oh.
Yeah, she sometimes has problems doing her business.
Hang on.
Ma, give up! Tonight's not your night! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: You don't know that! I just sat down! WOLOWITZ: Come on, take a break! Bernadette needs to brush her teeth! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: She can come in and brush her teeth! I'm not embarrassed! Problem solved.
No, it's not.
I'm not going in there.
Oh, come on, honey.
She's just sitting in there reading a magazine.
You can't see anything.
I go in all the time.
(chuckles) MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Ha! The eagle has landed! (toilet flushing) And we have splashdown.
(clears throat) Wait here, I'm gonna go light a candle.
And then we make passionate love.
There we go, last floor.
I just can't figure out what happened.
I put my left leg in, I took my left leg out, I put my left leg in, and something just snapped.
The hokey pokey is a young man's game.
(chuckles) I did have a great time.
Thank you for reminding me it's okay to have fun once in a while.
You're welcome.
And also for breaking the head off the ice swan so I could hold it against my pulled groin.
I excel at spatial reasoning, and I had a hunch that the graceful slope of its neck would cradle your genitals nicely.
Well, okay.
Again, thank you.
And again, you're welcome.
Want to come in have a cup of tea? No, thanks.
I'm gonna head home.
'Kay.
Well, good night.
Good night.
Ames, hi.
How was the wedding? Great.
Until I accidentally made Leonard fall in love with me.
Come in, let's talk.
Do you want a glass of wine? Wine is one of the reasons I'm in this fix.
That and this dang pelvis.
Okay, I'm sorry, what exactly happened? The inevitable-- he was lonely and vulnerable from missing his girlfriend, while I was charming, supportive and, let's face it, in this dress, the perfect combination of Madonna and whore.
Oh, God, did he make a move on you? No, but it's only a matter of time.
How could I have not seen this coming? Now I'm gonna have to break the little sad sack's heart.
- Yeah, I'm sure he'll be okay.
- Oh, Penny, much as I would treasure knowing that the two of us had been defiled by the same man, Leonard just doesn't get my motor running.
So, um, what are you gonna do? Do you want me to talk to Leonard, let him down easy? No.
I'll let him have tonight.
Then in the morning, I'll send him an e-mail letting him know this body is never gonna be his wonderland.
I mean, frankly, you've got a better shot than he does.
Leonard.
Check it out.
I bought an N-gauge locomotive.
Half the size of H-O.
Look, it fits in my mouth.
Sounds like you had a great night.
(muffled): I did.
- How was yours? - Not bad.
I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
What exact do you mean by that? Well, it turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
Ow! Why did you do that? To send a message: she is not for you.
What? Not for you! Good morning, handsome.
Morning, Mom.
It's me.
Yes, it is, and you're so pretty in the morning.
Your mom and I made you breakfast.
(laughs) Oh, wow.
So you guys are getting along? Yeah, I guess.
We're very different people, Howard, so communication's a little tricky.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: Does he like the pancakes?! He didn't try them yet! Is there any butter? - It's butter-flavored syrup.
- Oh.
MRS.
WOLOWITZ: So, what's the word?! He wants butter! MRS.
WOLOWITZ: It's butter-flavored syrup! I just told him that! I don't need any butter.
If you want butter, I'll get you butter.
Well, I guess I'll cut these by myself.