Desperate Housewives s05e03 Episode Script

Previously On Susan's New Boyfriend Met The Family.
Who Are You? Hi.
I'm Mike, The Ex-Husband.
Ah.
Gaby's Life Was No Longer Glamorous.
It's Official.
I've Lost Everything-- First, Our Money, Then My Figure, Now The Last Threads Of Our Social Standing.
Gaby, We Have A Home, And We Have Two Beautiful Little Girls.
Danielle's Decision Was Devastating Please, Just Don't Take Him! Benjamin Is All I Have.
You're Just Gonna Have To Find Something Else.
And Edie's New Husband Showed A Dark Side.
I Would Consider It A Personal Favor If You'd Apologize To Edie.
No.
Now It Seems To Me That A Woman Like You Would Like To Keep The Few Friends That She Haseft.
I Think You'd Better Go.
Why Would You Bring Me Flowers? 'Cause You Got A Computer, And I Need To Find Out Some Stuff About Edie's Husband.
(Mary Alice) Benjamin Katz Was 6 Years Old, And There Were A Lot Of Things He Didn't Understand.
He Wasn't Sure Why The Woman You Call "Mommy" Isn't Always Your Mother.
Or How The Man Who Was Always There For Him Could Suddenly Be Taken Away.
Or Why You Could Go For A Ride And Never Come Back Home.
Yes, There Were A Lot Of Things Benjamin Katz Couldn't Understand, And No One Seemed In A Hurry To Explain Them.
(Bree) Here They Come, Finally.
You Know, Bree, Things Will Be A Little Strange At First, So Please, Be On Your Best Behavior.
I Do Not Require Lectures On Tact.
I Know.
It's Just That We've Missed Benjy So Much, And It's Taken So Many Olive Branches To Get Them To Come Back.
I'm Aware Of What's At Stake, Orson.
Good.
So If You Feel An Impulse To Criticize Something, You'll Keep The Thought To Yourself.
Hi! (Chuckles Nervously) I've Already Started.
Danielle! What A Delightfully Ethnic Ensemble.
Hey, Mom, Orson.
Hi, Danielle.
Oh, I Want To Meet My Husband Leo.
It's Nice To Finally Meet Both Of You In Person.
Lovely To Meet You, Leo.
Hey, Who's This Little Linebacker? Hi, Benjy.
Remember Me? I'm Not Sure.
That's Okay.
That's What This Visit Is For, Right? Getting To Know Each Other.
Now We Have You For The Whole Weekend, Right? Yep, Whole Three Days.
Oh, Good.
'Cause We've Made Lots Of Plans.
We're Gonna Take You To The Circus If It's Okay With Your Folks.
Can I Go, Danielle? "Danielle"? Did He Just Call You "Danielle"? Well, It Is My Name.
Yes, I'm Aware Of That.
I Picked It.
I'm Just Concerned People Might View It As A Sign Of, Um, Disrespect.
By "People," You Mean You? Uh Leo.
Look At All The Luggage You Have Here.
I'll Give You A Hand Here.
Okay.
Oh, Thanks.
Um Let Me Be Clear.
(Lowers Voice) I Do Not Want Him Calling Me "Bree.
" Oh, Don't Worry.
I Told Him To Call You "Granny.
" Yes, Benjamin Katz Was Only 6 Years Old, But Even He Could Understand This Was Going To Be A Long Weekend.
-==ÆÆÀÃÐÜÀÖÔ°ÇãÇé·îÏ×==- ±¾×ÖÄ»½ö¹©Ñ§Ï°½»Á÷£¬ÑϽûÓÃÓÚÉÌÒµÓÃ; ¾øÍûÖ÷¸¾ µÚÎå¼¾µÚ3¼¯ ·­Ò룺¸öÈËID У Ô£º¸öÈËID ʱ¼äÖ᣺¼Ó·¹µÄ²ËÖí Any Child Will Tell You That Where You Find A Playground, You Will Also Find Bullies-- Young Tyrants Who Bring Pain Intimidation And Violence.
What Can Children Do In The Face Of Such Torment? Well, There Is One Obvious Option, But Not Every Child Is Eager To Go Running Home To Mother.
Ugh.
Hey.
Hon.
How Was The Park? Wait.
Hold On.
Mommy Just Found Her First Gray Hair.
I Need You To Grab It, Yank It And Never Speak Of It Again.
Oh.
Look At Your Face.
It's Scratched.
What Happened? Nothing.
And Your Shirt Is Ripped.
That's The Second Time This Week.
Is Someone Picking On You? Who Is It? Is It Jeffrey Hixon, That Weird Kid Who Eats Paper? Is It Timmy Crowley? His Mom Slept In Her Car Last Night.
Who Knows What's Going On There? Is It That Boy From Your Birthday, The One Who Slugged The Pony? Oh, Sweetie.
I Know You're Upset, But You'll Feel Better If You Talk About It.
And There's Nothing You Can't Tell Me.
I'm Your Mommy.
I Wanna Talk To Daddy.
Okay.
We'll Give Him A Call.
(Man) Okay! You're Not Gonna Find Another One In This Condition.
I Mean, The Car Is A Classic.
Well, What Do You Think, Nabila? Eh.
I Like It.
I Don't Love It.
(Carlos) Tell You What.
Gaby And I Want To Find Our Car A Nice Home.
So I'm Prepared To Knock A Grand Off.
What Do You Say? I Say Knock Off 5 Grand, And We'll Talk.
Oh, Come On.
It's Already Priced Way Below Blue Book, Not To Mention It's Mint.
This Is Not Mint.
Hey, Can You Not See This Ding In The Bumper Here? Okay, This Car Goes Zero To 60 In 5 Seconds.
By The Time Someone Says, "Wow, A Ding," You're In The Next County.
You Got Yourself A Deal.
Deal.
What? No! No, No Deal! The Nondriving Blind Guy Does Not Speak For Me.
Would You Excuse Us? Gaby, We've Been Trying To Move This Car For A Month.
We Need The Cash.
(Sighs) God, Isn't There Any Way We Can Keep It? I Mean, This Car's The Last Thing I Have That Tells The World, "I'm Better Than You.
" Sorry, Babe.
We Have To Pay The Mortgage.
We Can't Afford To Be Better Than Anyone.
Here.
Take Good Care Of Her.
Actually, It's Not For Us.
It's For Our Nanny.
Okay, That One Hurt.
Hey.
So What'd You Dig Up On Mr.
X.
? You Mean Dave? Yeah.
Nothing Yet.
It's Been Two Days.
What Gives? Well, For Starters, When I Search For "Dave Williams," I Get A Million And A Half Hits.
To Narrow It Down, I'm Gonna Need More Information, Like Where He Was Born, Where He Went To School.
Did He Serve Time In The Military? Oh, Believe Me, If He Served Time, It Was In The State Pen.
Hey! Dave! Morning, Ladies.
(Tires Screech) (Under Breath) Sick Bastard.
How Are You? Hey, Katherine, Your Sprinkler System Working Okay Now? Like A Charm.
And Thanks Again.
I've Never Been Able To Get That To Work.
Oh, I Hear Ya.
To Program Those Things, You Need An Engineering Degree.
Oh, Yeah? You Got One Of Those? Anyway Really Appreciate It.
Take Care.
I Just Can't Go Through With This.
He--He Just Strikes Me As So Nice.
That's Supposed To Comfort Me, Given Your Track Record With Men? Katherine, Please.
The Guy Is Bad News.
I Can't Prove It, But I Feel It In My Bones.
And I Can't Sit Around Doing Nothing When I Know That Edie's Waking Up Every Morning Next To Him.
If Anyone Finds Out We're Doing This No One Will Know.
And When They Do, They'll Probably Thank Us.
Because I'm Telling Ya, This Guy Is Up To Something.
Cleaning Out The Old Garage-- My Deepest Sympathy.
Hey, Dave.
You--You Settling In Okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Well, They Finally Delivered My Flat Screen.
I Was Dying Without It.
I Mean, It Is 65 Inches.
Wow.
Sweet! Hey, W--The Play-Offs Are On.
You Should Come Check It Out.
It's Like Being Right On The Field.
Yeah Um, Lynette's Really Busting My Hump About Clearing This Place Out, So Well, Maybe Later.
The Game Doesn't Start For A Couple Hours.
We Could Order One Of Those Giant Sandwiches.
Sorry, But, You Know, Check Back With Me, Make Sure I Survive This Whole Thing.
Okay.
Hi, Dave.
Hi.
Hey, Tom? Yeah? Why Are There Two Piles? Well, That's The Pile That I'm Throwing Away, And, Uh, This Is The Stuff I Still Need.
You Need Unopened Mountain Climbing Equipment From 1986? You Don't Climb Mountains.
Not Yet, But Someday.
I Mean, You Know Who Knows? (Laughs) I Know.
You Get Winded Just Climbing Out Of The Tub.
You're Never Gonna Climb A Mountain.
(Scoffs) You Know What Else You're Never Gonna Do? Learn German, Make Your Own Beer Or Have 8 Minute Abs.
Come On, Not The Ab-Tastic.
Toss It, And Keep Tossing Until This 2-Car Garage Can Hold At Least One Car.
Please Tell Me You're Not Getting Rid Of Your Bass.
No Point In Hanging On To It.
I Mean, Being In A Band Is Just One More Thing I'll Never Do.
Before He Moved, Mike And I, We Used To Get Together On Saturdays And Just Jam.
Man, That Was Fun.
You Know, I Play The Drums.
Maybe You And I Should Jam Sometime.
I Guess We Could.
Maybe Even Later Today? Just Yeah! Yeah, You Know What? Just Give Me A Couple Hours.
I Gotta Stash These Old "Playboys.
" (Laughs) I'll See You Later.
Now Remember, You Can't Just Start Grilling Edie, Or She'll Get Suspicious.
We Have To Be Subtle.
I'll Just Follow Your Lead.
Okay.
Sorry I'm Late.
What A Great Idea! I Haven't Done This In Ages-- A Fun Lunch With The Girls.
Yeah, It's Fun.
Where Was Dave Born? What? (Chuckles Nervously) We Were Just Wondering Where He Got His Great Manners.
He's Got That Gentle Bearing Of A (Southern Accent) Southern Gentleman.
No, He's From Somewhere In The Midwest.
"Somewhere"? You Don't Know Where Your Husband Grew Up? Well, He Showed Me A Picture Of His Childhood Home Once.
It Had A Cow In It.
(Sighs) I Lost Interest.
Honestly, Edie, How Can You Be Married To A Guy And Not Know These Things? You Know What? What? I Think It's Time To Order.
Where's Our Waitress? I'll Be Right With You, Mrs.
Mayfair.
Oh, No Problem, Debbie.
You Take Your Time.
She Is Such A Sweet Girl.
She's Saving Money For College.
Speaking Of Which Where Did Dave Go To College? Come On, Debbie! While We're Young! I Don't Know.
All Right.
What About High School? Why Are You Asking Me All These Questions? I Just Think It's Odd That You're Married To Some Guy-- You Don't Know Anything About Him.
Other Than The Fact That He's A Lovely Man.
He (Chuckles Nervously) Fixed My Sprinkler.
I Don't Want To Talk About This Anymore.
I'm Going To The Ladies' Room.
Well, Your Subtle Approach Got Us Nowhere.
I've Been Through A Lot With This Baby.
I Hate To Sell Her, But, You Know, With My New Sports Car Coming, I Don't Really Need It.
Yeah.
Here She Is.
How's It Look? Be Glad You're Blind.
We Have To Be Practical.
We Just Need Something To Get Us From Point "A" To Point "B.
" Now Let's Buy The Thing.
Okay, Just Let Me Handle This.
So Do We Have A Sale? I Don't Know, Andrew.
I Mean We Like It.
We Don't Love It.
Yeah, Well, No One Buys A Car Like This And Loves It.
It's All About The Price.
And You're Not Gonna Do Better.
Yeah, About That Price-- You're Gonna Have To Drop It.
I Mean, Look At All These Dents.
Yeah, It's Also Missing Three Hubcaps, And It's Got A Hanger For An Antenna.
Full Disclosure-- It's A Piece Of Crap.
You Want It Or Not? Well, I'll Tell You What.
Since Your Mom And I Are Dear Friends, I'll Take It Off Your Hands If You Knock Off $300.
And Since My Mom And You Are Dear Friends, I'll Resist The Urge To Flip You The Bird.
Andrew! Unless You Lower This Price, We're Walking Right Now.
See Ya.
(Scoffs) I Mean It.
This Is It.
Fine.
Fine.
Okay, Fine.
Knock Off $200, And We'll Give You Cash.
No.
$100.
No.
Wh-- (Scoffs) Will You At Least Have It Washed? I'll Empty The Ashtray.
Final Offer.
(Scoffs) Damn You.
You Beat Me Again! Curse You And Your Diabolical Checkers Prowess.
All Right, Orson.
Don't Overexcite Him On The Upholstery.
So, Danielle, What Would You Like Me To Make As A Side Dish For Your Welcome Home Party? I Can Do Anything So Long As It Complements Beef Tenderloin.
Actually, We Don't Eat Meat.
We're Vegetarians.
Excuse Me? So Is Benjamin.
Oh.
Well Since When? Since I Realized That Meat Was A Byproduct Of Murder.
Would It Be More Acceptable If I Shopped For A Suicidal Pork Loin? Bree, It's No Big Deal.
I'll Just Make A Nice Risotto.
This Isn't About Dinner.
This Is About Her Nutty Liberal Politics Getting In The Way Of Our Grandson's Nutrition.
He Gets All The Protein He Needs From Cheese And Beans And Tofu.
Well, This Isn't Just About Nutrition.
Do You Want Him To Be Teased At School Every Time He Pulls Tofu Out Of His Lunchbox? Actually, That Won't Be An Issue.
Danielle Is Homeschooling Him.
Excuse Me? You're Teaching Him? Yes.
I Take It You Have An Opinion? So Instead Of Sending Him To A Proper School, You're Gonna Give Him The Benefit Of Your Straight "C" Average? Hey, He's Only 6, And He's Already Reading At A Third Grade Level.
Well, What Happens Next Year When He Overtakes You? Uh, Bree Ahem.
Best Behavior, Remember? I Am Sorry, But Am I Supposed To Sit By While She Degrades His Body And His Mind? (Danielle) Fine.
Criticize My Parenting All You Want.
I Don't Care, Because You Don't Get To Decide How He's Raised Anymore.
I'm His Mother.
And By The Way, Mark Your Calendars, 'Cause Seven Years From Next Saturday-- Benjamin's Bar Mitzvah.
Hey! (Laughs) (Chuckles) Hey.
Isn't This Cool? Dave Brought His Drums Over So We Could Jam.
Your Boy Is Pretty Good.
Yeah, And We Figured Out We Got Bass, We Got Drums.
Mike Plays Guitar.
I Think Orson Plays Keyboards.
You See Where I Am Going With This? I Do, But I'm Hoping I'm Wrong.
We're Gonna Start A Garage Band! And I Wasn't! Maybe If We Get Good Enough, We Can Even Get, Like, A Couple Of Gigs.
How Fun Would That Be? "Gigs"? Did You Just Say "Gigs"? Now All's We Need Is A Little Time To Practice-- A Few Nights A Week, Some Weekends.
What? Well, Yeah, Just Until We Get The Rhythm Section All Dialed In.
Okay, I Need To Dial You In To Some Gigs You Already Have, Which Are Running A Restaurant, Being A Husband And A Father.
And I Thought You Were The One Who Said You Wanted To Spend More Time With Your Family.
But We Could Play Clubs.
I Mean, He's Just Having A Little Fun, Lynette.
Guys Need To Blow Off Steam.
Could You Just For A Sec? Come On.
You Know I'm Right.
You're Far Too Busy For This.
You Can't Just Decide For Me Like That.
I Mean, If I Wanna Play Bass, I Will Play Bass.
I'm Not Hurting Anybody.
Those Of Us With Hearing Beg To Differ.
(Laughs) Okay, You Know What? Please Leave Our Rehearsal Space.
Oh, Come On, Tom.
This Is Not Your-- (Juanita) It's Mine! No! Give It! Give It! No! No! Give It To Me! It's Mine! Don't! Guys! Hey! Knock It Off Back There.
Oh, God.
What Now? .
Oh.
Hey.
Ws T's Up? You Sold Me A Lemon.
That'satwhat's Up.
Atwhat Yre You Talking About? Yo Your Car! I Took It To A Mechac, Who Told Me The Radiator's Shot.
Oh.
That.
Yeahhu(Chuckles) Itit's Been Giving Me Trebl Yer S.
Ars.
Just Use Jue Jug.
what jug? Oh, Oh, Itn In Truntrk.
Justjuee Keep Itl Ull Of Water, and ??? Oh, And, Uh, Try Not Going Up Hills And Stay In The Shade As Much As Possible.
Okay, I-I Can't Drive Around Avoiding Gravity And The Sun.
Well, Sorry.
If You Want A Car With No Flaws, Buy A New One.
Or I Could Get The Radiator Fixed, Which Is Gonna Cost $300, Which You Are Paying For.
Remember Full Disclosure? Crap? This Is Your Car.
It's Your Problem.
Okay, You Know What? That's It.
I Wanna Talk To Your Mother.
Uh, Well, She's In A Meeting Right Now.
Can I Take A Message? Damn It, Andrew.
You Tell Bree To Call Me By The End Of The Day.
May I Ask What It's Regarding? All Right, We'll Talk About It More Later, Buddy.
Why Don't You Go On Outside And Play For A While? Okay.
Well, What Did He Say? Well, He Still Won't Tell Me Who's Picking On Him, But He Did Ask Me To Teach Him How To Fight.
He's Only 5.
I Don't Want Him Fighting.
I'm Sorry, But Every Boy Has To Learn How To Throw A Punch Eventually.
You Know, If You Wanna Give Him A Leg Up, You Could Teach Him A Little Capoeira.
Capo-What? Oh, It's A Brazilian Martial Art That Incorporates Dance.
Yeah, 'Cause There's Nothing Scarier Than A Guy Coming At Ya With Jazz Hands.
That's Funny, But Actually, The Dance Part's To Catch Your Opponent Off Guard.
Like That? No, There's A Little More Nuance To It.
Ooh! Like That.
Where's The "Dance" Part? (Grunts) Oh! (Laughs) There It Is, Ginger! You Know What, Boys? Not In The House.
Oh, My God! Give It Back! It's My Ball! It's My Ball Now.
Hey! You Leave Him Alone.
Oh! Honey! Is That Who's Been Picking On You? Juanita Solis? Well, She Is Going To Get A Big Surprise, Because Your Daddy Is About To Turn You Into A Killing Machine.
Uh, M.
J.
, Can I Talk To Your Mom For A Second? What? I Can't Teach Him To Hit A Girl.
That's Not Just Any Girl.
You Saw Her.
She Could Take Down A Small Deer.
It Doesn't Matter.
If It Wears A Skirt, It's Off-Limits.
That Is Sexist.
If Feminism Means Anything, It's That It's Okay For A Big, Mean Girl To Get Her Butt Kicked.
You, Teach Him One Of Those Brazilian Kung Fu Cha-Cha Things.
I'm With Mike.
You Can't Hit Girls.
Ah! Couple Of Wusses.
I'll Handle It Myself.
Oops! Didn't See That Coming.
Just For That, I'm Breaking My Rule About Not Hitting Girls.
Gaby, We Have A Problem.
I Just Saw Juanita Push M.
J.
Down.
Really? Really.
It's Not The First Time.
Juanita's Been Bullying Him.
Wow.
I'm Sorry.
I'll Talk To Her.
(Sighs) Thank You.
And Don't Worry.
No One Will Hear About This From Me.
Hear What? That M.
J.
'S Getting Beat Up By A Little Girl.
A Girl.
Are You Suggesting That Juanita Is Fat For Her Age? Gaby, Juanita's Fat For Your Age.
(Scoffs) Yeah? Well, Let's Face It.
M.
J.
Could Get Beaten Up By A Kitten.
You Know What? Maybe You Could Teach Your Daughter How To Use Her Words And Not Her Fists.
Yeah? Or Maybe You Could Teach Your Son To Grow A Pair! What You Looking At? Oh, Just Some Old Pictures.
Can You Guess Who That Little Girl Is? That's Your Mom Way Back When She Was Your Age.
What's She Eating? Oh! Uh, A Hot Dog.
No Way.
Oh, Yes.
Your Mother Loved Hot Dogs.
Every Day At Lunchtime, She'd Say To Me, "Mommy, I Want A Hot Dog.
" How Come She Doesn't Eat Them Now? Well, Because She's All Grown-Up.
You See, Hot Dogs And Hamburgers Are What Make Little Boys And Girls Grow Up To Be Big And Strong.
And Now That She's Grown-Up, She Doesn't Need Them Anymore.
Doesn't Mommy Want Me To Be Big And Strong? I've Been Asking Myself That All Day.
Maybe She's Afraid If You Get Big, You'll Leave Home And Go Play For The Red Sox.
But I Want To Get Big.
I Want To Play Baseball.
Oh.
Well In That Case Can I? You Have To Promise Not To Tell Your Mommy.
Okay.
Well, What Do You Think? It's Like Tofu, Only Better.
Yes.
Yes, It Is.
Two, Three, Four! When Tom Scavo Threw Himself Into His New Hobby His Wife Told Herself It Was A Phase, And It Would Pass Quickly.
But Three Hours Later, She Realized It Could Not Pass Quickly Enough.
So Lynette Began To Plot Against Her Husband's Instrument Of Torture.
Ooh! Careful, Honey.
Sorry.
You Could Break Your Dad's Guitar And It Was At That Moment Her Daughter Provided Her An Idea For A Simple Accident And A Clean Alibi.
(Tom) Damn It! Hey, Is Everything All Right? Oh, My! It Was Lying In The Middle Of The Floor! How In The World Did That Happen? Has Penny Been Playing In Here Again? I've Told Her A Million Times! Now I'm Sure It Was An Accident, Tom.
Please Don't Yell At Her.
This Was A $1,600 Bass.
I Can't Afford To Replace It.
Penny Lynn Scavo! Where Is She? Oh, Tom! She's Up In Her Room.
I'm Gonna Go Play Outside.
Oh! Wait.
Your Forgot Your Whistle.
Okay, Sweetie.
This Is Just To Be On The Safe Side.
If Juanita Comes Around, You Just Blow It.
I'll Be Right There.
Okay.
Good Boy.
(Whistle Tweets) Hey, Give Me Back My Whistle! Juanita Solis, Don't You Move! You Are In Big Trouble! What's On Your Head? Never Mind.
What Did You Do To M.
J.
? He Wouldn't Let Me Blow His Whistle.
So Your Solution Was To Push Him Down? Do You Think That's Nice? How Would You Feel If Someone Did That To You? I Wouldn't Care.
Oh, Really? You Don't Think It Would Hurt? Even If It Did (Whines) I'm Not A Crybaby Like M.
J.
I'm Sorry.
Juanita, I Just Wanted You To See How It Felt.
Are You Okay? Susan, I Saw That! Kids, Get Inside! Okay, First Off, It Wasn't As Bad As It Looked.
Really? 'Cause It Looked Like You Body-Slammed My Daughter.
I Barely Tapped Her.
She Was Milking It.
That's Your Defense? You Were Only Assaulting Her "A Little"? I Was Trying To Teach Her Not To Be A Bully-- Something She Should Have Learned From Her Mother.
Well, I'm Sorry.
I Was Too Busy Trying To Explain To Her Why M.
J.
Doesn't Wear A Dress Like All The Other Little Girls.
This Conversation Is Over.
Tell Bob And Lee That I'll Pay For The Dent In Their Lawn.
You Did Not! I Did.
You Know What? We've Both Been Incredibly Childish Here, And It Is Time One Of Us Took The High Road, So I Am Now Going To Walk Away.
Please Take Note Of This Conflict Resolution And Try To Pass The Lesson On To Your Daughter.
You Can Dye That Hair All You Want, But The Gray's Just Gonna Keep Coming.
And They Call Me White Trash.
Hey.
You Got A Minute? Yeah.
Sure.
Come On In.
I, Uh, I Heard There Was A Little Accident.
So I Got This For Tom.
You Bought Tom A New Bass? It's Not As Smooth As His Old One, But It's Good.
We Can't Accept This.
It's Mostly Selfish On My Part.
I Was Having Too Much Fun.
Well, Sorry.
But Maybe You Could Go Skateboarding With Orson.
All Right.
Forget About Me.
Tom Was Having Fun.
And From What I've Seen, He Needs It.
And What Makes You Think You Know What My Husband Needs? Just Something That I Saw The Other Day, When You Were Making Him Get Rid Of All His Things.
You Mean His Junk? It May Be Junk To You, But To Tom Well, That Was Stuff He Was Gonna Get Around To.
You Know What A Midlife Crisis Is? I'm Married To A 45-Year-Old Man Who Has A Red Convertible.
Yeah, I Think I Know.
But You Know How It Happens? A Man Gets To A Certain Age, And He Realizes He's Gonna Die Someday.
Really Die.
And What's Worse Is That He's Everything He's Ever Gonna Be.
He's Never Gonna Be Rich.
He's Never Gonna Climb A Mountain.
Now Some Guys Do Bad Things When They Get Those Thoughts In Their Heads.
By Comparison, Playing In A Garage Band-- Well It Seems Pretty Harmless.
So Now My Marriage Is In Trouble, And You're Gonna Save It By Giving Tom A Bass? No.
No.
I'm Not.
You Are.
Most Of The Guys In My Class Went Into Corporate Law, But I Wanted To Do Something That Would Influence Environmental Policy.
That's How He Ended Up At The E.
P.
A.
So, Leo, Where Did You Study Law? Cornell.
Now I'm Jealous.
I Always Wished That I'd Gone To A School Like Cornell.
But It Just Wasn't In The Cards For Me.
How About You, Dave? Me? No.
Wasn't In My Cards, Either.
So Where Did You Go? After Listening To Leo, I'd Be Embarrassed To Tell You.
So E.
P.
A.
What's Your Opinion On Global Warming-- Fact Or Fiction? Hold On, Darling.
Mrs.
Mccluskey Asked You A Question.
Tell Her Where You Went To School.
Oh, Edie, I Think She Was Just Making Conversation.
So-- Okay, Then Why Don't You Tell Me Where You Went? After All, I Am Your Wife.
Shouldn't I Know? Actually, I Didn't Go To College.
I Took A Job Out Of High School Because My Family Was Having A Hard Time.
Not Having A Degree Is Something That Has Always Been Embarrassing To Me, Especially When I'm With People Who Do.
So, My Darling, Is There Anything Else You'd Like To Quiz Me About In Public? My Childhood Stuttering? My Dad's Drinking Problems? No.
I'm Good.
I Came To Say I'm Sorry.
You Attacked My Child And Then Me.
Why Should I Even Listen To You? I Brought Booze.
Come On In.
Like, I Have This Rule-- No Toy Guns.
Except Everything That M.
J.
Picks Up-- Whether It's A Hairbrush, A Hanger, Everything-- He Pretends It's A Gun.
Well, What Do You Expect? He's A Boy.
That's My Point! I Know Nothing About Raising Boys.
And I Think M.
J.
Has Figured This Out, So He Goes Straight To Mike Whenever There's A Problem.
But That's Okay.
Mike's A Great Dad.
Yeah, Sure, On Alternate Weekends.
That's Fine Until (Sighs) M.
J.
Needs His Daddy, And His Daddy's Not There.
Susan, It's Not Your Fault.
Well, We Split Up, So It's At Least Half My Fault Any Way You Slice It.
Well, If It's Any Consolation, Carlos Is A Hands-On, Full-Time Dad, And I Still Feel Like I'm Not Getting The Job Done, Like I'm Not Preparing Them Enough.
Preparing Them For What? For How Hard Life Is.
I Mean, I Have To Admit, When You Told Me Juanita Was Bullying M.
J.
, My First Thought Was, Thank God! Let Her Do The Pushing, Just As Long As She's Not A Victim.
Well, I Don't See Any Kid Of Yours Being A Victim.
(Laughs) You're The Strongest Person I Know.
I Used To Be.
Look At My Life, Susan.
I I've Been Beaten Down.
Well, I Thought I Had You Beaten Today, And The Next Thing I Knew, I Was Eating Grass.
Today Doesn't Count.
Today I Was Mad.
Well Maybe You Need To Get Mad More Often.
Maybe You're Right.
This Is Nice.
We Should Rumble All The Time.
To Susan Mayer-- Good Mom.
To Gabrielle Solis-- Another Good Mom.
(Juanita) Mommy, We're Hungry! So?! There's Waffles In The Freezer! And Get Mommy Some Ice! Isn't This Nice? For The First Time In Years, My Family Is All Here Under The Same Roof.
Here's To Many More Meals Together.
Yes.
(Edie) Aw.
Welcome Home.
Cheers.
I Don't Feel Good, Danielle.
(Under Breath) "Danielle"? I Think I'm Gonna Be Sick.
Let's Get You To The Powder Room.
Here We Are-- Mushroom Risotto.
There's An Unfortunate Coincidence.
I'm So Sorry, Mom.
I'll Clean It Up.
No, Um, You Take Benjy Upstairs.
I'll Get It.
Orson, Could You Get The Mop, Please? Oh, My God.
Is That Meat? No! Of Course Not.
Does This Look Like Meat To You? It's Hard To Tell.
Just So We're Clear, What I'm About To Throw Up Is A Western Omelet.
That Is Not Meat.
(Chuckles) That Piece Right There-- That's Definitely Meat! Still Waiting On That Mop.
(Scoffs) What Did Grandma Give You To Eat? She Said Not To Tell.
You Gave Him Meat And Then Told Him To Lie?! I Gave Him A Hot Dog, All Right? He Liked It So Much, He Asked For Another.
Two Hot Dogs? All Right, I'll Concede The Second One Was Clearly A Mistake.
Come On, Leo.
We're Leaving.
No! Danielle, Please.
I'm Sorry, Orson.
She's Made It Impossible For Us To Stay In This House.
(Orson) Danielle, Wait, Wait.
Well, We Can Still Drink, Right? Oh, Yeah.
Well, I've Apologized Till I'm Blue In The Face, But They're Still Leaving In The Morning.
Now You're Not Speaking To Me, Either? They're Just Mad.
Things Will Be Better Next Time.
You Honestly Think There'll Be A Next Time? It Took Us Three Years To Talk Them Into This Visit.
To Ruin It.
Orson, I'm Truly Sorry.
It's Just, Seeing All These Mistakes That She's Making With Benjamin, It's Just So Hard For Me.
You Know What Hard For Me? When I Left For Prison, Benjamin Was In My House, He Was In My Life.
He Called Me "Daddy.
" And When I Came Home, He Was Gone.
And You Think That's My Fault? Yes, I Do.
Orson, You Weren't Here.
She Came Back.
She Was Married To A Lawyer.
And Don't Forget, She Is His Mother! I Tried To Fight, But-- You Should've Fought Harder.
I Was On My Knees.
I Was Sobbing.
She Said "No" And Then Ripped Him Out Of My Arms.
(Whispers) You Have No Right To Say That To Me.
You Kind Of Blindsided Me Tonight.
I Know.
I Am So Sorry.
I Was Clearly Uncomfortable.
I Don't Understand Why You Kept Pressing Me.
Honestly, It Was All Karen Mccluskey's Fault.
Really? How So? Well, She Kept Asking Me All This Stuff About Your Background And Why I Don't Know More About You, And (Sighs) I Should've Just Never Let Her Get To Me.
It's Okay, Sweetie.
Now I Understand.
Kind Of Sad When You Think About It.
What Do You Mean? Oh Maybe You Guys Don't Notice Because You're So Used To Her.
But Her Behavior Reminds Me Of My Grandmother, When We First Started To Notice The Dementia, That Is.
You Think Karen's Going Senile? I Remember My Poor Grandmother Started Getting So Paranoid.
She Thought People Were Breaking Into Her House And Stealing Her Things.
We Finally Had To Put Her In A Home.
I Just Hope That Doesn't Happen To Karen.
I Want My 300 Bucks.
I Told You.
It's Your Car.
You Deal With It.
That's It? No Compassion? No, "Hey, Let's Split The Bill And Call It Even"? Look At It This Way.
You're Not Losing 300 Bucks.
You're Gaining A Valuable Lesson--Buyer Beware.
True.
Now Here's A Valuable Lesson For You.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! What The Hell Is Wrong With You?! Give Me My Money, Or Next Time We're Trading Paint.
You're Bluffing.
I Am Tired Of Being A Victim, Andrew.
And Trust Me, That Is No Bluff.
(Brakes Screech) Hey! You--You Touch My Car, And You're Paying For It.
Luckily, I'm Insured.
(Gasps) Oh, Wait.
Our Policy Lapsed.
Hope You've Got Good Coverage.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait, Wait.
I'll Get My Checkbook.
I Prefer Cash.
Bullies Any Adult Will Tell You The Playground Is Not The Only Place To Find Them.
Everywhere You Look, You Can Find People Unconcerned Or Unaware Of The Pain They Inflict.
It Might Be A Neighbor Preying On The Suspicions Of Her Friend Or A Daughter Punishing The Choices Of Her Mother.
Or A Housewife Seeking Justice From The Man Who Sold Her A Car.
Yes There Are Bullies Everywhere.
And The Worst Are The Ones Who Take Advantage Of You Without You Ever Knowing What They've Done.