Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e03 Episode Script

I always think, if you're looking for somewhere to feel really underprivileged, you can't go far wrong with a railways parcels office.
Billy Butterwick had a cousin on the railway once.
She said she wouldn't tell her mum, but she did.
You shouldn't laugh at your own jokes.
What sort of idiot laughs at his own jokes.
Old Billy, he loved a joke.
He said a bloke was no good without a sense of humour.
Well, he certainly needed one.
I saw his cousin.
SMASH! # Happy birthday to somebody # HE WHISTLES Hey, I just That's done it.
I shall feel totally rejected all day now.
All right, come on, let's be 'aving you! Come on! Hey up! Oi, you in there! We told him.
"Don't bang on the door," we said.
"It upsets the biological clocks of railwaymen.
" "Yes, there'll be a railways person along in a minute," we said.
"After all, this is the age of the high-speed train.
" Should tha be smoking in 'ere? Smoking is allowed in 'ere.
Oh, lend us a fag.
It's me last one.
Oh, dear, the last one.
Are they going to take thee out and shoot theefor bad time-keeping, you great big No, don't antagonise our railway person now we've found one.
Why don't you buy some? He gave his last one to a wounded railwayman before they carried him off on a stretcherin the wrong direction.
Funny.
Very funny.
Yes, I, erI believe you have a parcel for Dewhurst.
There's no train stops at Dewhurst.
No, Dewhurst.
That's my name! I'm expecting a parcel.
How do you spell it? P-A-R-C-E-L.
Parcel.
How do you spell Dewhurst? Oh.
D-E-W-H-U-R-S-T.
How do you spell it? It's not in the book.
It was sent by passenger train last night to be collected this morning.
It's not in the book.
Yes, well, I can live with it not being in the book as long as it's in that pile over there.
If it was in that pile over there, it'd be in this book.
Oh, God.
Eddie! What? Tell 'em.
Every parcel that comes in this office goes in this book.
Yeah.
Right? Right.
So everything in that pile there is in this book.
Right? Wrong.
Wrong? Well, not that pile.
I ain't done that pile yet.
Oh, well.
He ain't done that pile yet.
What name again? Dewhurst! D-E-W-H-U-R-S-T? That's right.
This'll be yours, then.
Very probably.
D'you mean you're not sure? Of course I'm sure.
Well, look, you can see it's mine.
It's mine All right, all right.
Then I'll put itin the book.
It's not as big as I thought it was going to be.
Maybe it's folded up.
Yes, well, of course it's folded.
They wouldn't send a flag unfolded.
A flag? Yes, well, I'm a patriot, you see, and I have a plan for putting the perfect finishing touch to the great British countryside.
You're going to paint it white.
What? No, no, of course I'm not No, I'm going to mount this, you see, on a very, very tall flagpole on a suitable promontory.
What flag? The Union Jack.
What union? Shall we open it, then? Oh, aye, yeah.
No, come here, give it to me! Look at him.
He's like a honeymooner with his gloves on.
Give it 'ere! My God, he's going to eat it.
Maybe he's only going to eat the string.
Well, you've seen him.
He eats everything.
I-I think he's only going to eat the string.
He's got a great set of teeth for a man his age.
Aye, I wish I'd brought 'em with me! Well, it puts you in mind of primitive man at his breakfast.
I wonder what they used to have for breakfast, primitive man.
Something that went snap, crackle and shriek? Oh, come on, we'll take it home and get a knife.
Come on Get off! Come on, I don't want it all soggy.
You're supposed to raise and lower a flag, not wring it out.
Come on, give it to me Ow! It's caught in me teeth! Agh! Come on! Don't pull it, you! Look, I'll Ah! I want none of that sort of language, not even through a brown paper parcel.
Er, is it fast in your upper teeth or in your lo-wer teeth? What are you shouting for? I'm not deaf! No, no, what am I thinking? Listen Ohh! Oh, I'm not going to look into his mouth.
I'll help where I can, but I won't look in his mouth.
Can you twist your head round this way? Argh! Ow! Oh, this is just the way I love to spend a morning.
You can see it's caught in his bottom teeth, so if we lift the whole parcel Argh! Argh, where are you going, where are you going? Say "ah".
A-a-ah! A-a-ah.
Ah, there we are, then.
Oh, stop making that racket.
It's out now.
Oh, dear! That nearly pulled my fangs out.
Hey, have a look at my gums, see if they're all right.
Oh, close your mouth before British Rail send a train through.
If anyone would like to hold this parcel with its length of soggy string Oh, no Give it 'ere! I'll tear it apart with me bare hands.
Like you do your sandwiches.
I see.
Come on, let's get it open.
Get a knife.
Get out! I wouldn't have walked home with him.
Not like that.
It was very embarrassing.
People would've stared.
They don't expect to see anyone with his own tame lunatic performing in the streets these days, do they? They might've thrown pennies.
It's no good, I can't do it.
'Ere.
All right Well, now what? It's caught in me flies! Good grief, man! It's fast in me zip! Well, you're on your own in that emergency.
Look, somebodysomebody get hold of the parcel.
Which somebody? Well, I'm not going to touch the damn thing.
And we thought we had trouble when it was only caught in his teeth.
Don't you dare tear the paper.
That's no place to be unfurling your country's flag.
All right, then, you hold it.
Go on, get hold of it! Go on.
Oh, all right, then.
Hold still while I pull it gently.
My God! You've lost some weight lately, haven't you? Aye, I never had these trousers made for me.
They were second-hand.
It looks more like a second front! Ah, give it 'ere.
No, it's no good.
We'll have to go round Sid's cafe and borrow a knife.
Could this be why the Americans eat everything with a fork? This way, gentlemen, and up the stairs.
Mind how you go.
The room's all ready for you.
You'll find every facility just across the landing.
Did you put them clean towels in? I put clean towels in.
How many? What do you mean "how many"? Oh, my God, you never counted them.
Go up and count them now.
.
.
This way, gentlemen.
.
.
Go on! There's no strangers allowed during the ceremony.
Straight up the stairs, gentlemen.
That's right.
Oi! Not you lot! # There'll be a welcome in the 'illside # Will you keep your voice down?! We have a private party upstairs.
What's that? Oh, that? That's a Union Jack.
Of course, it's wrapped up in a parcel at the moment.
A Union Jack! Aye, tha know, it's a flag for hanging on a pole.
Well, why is it hangingthere? Don't answer that question.
Well, me hands was cold, you see.
Make him get rid of it.
Look, if this is some sort of a joke, we don't need it.
Not today of all days.
It's no joke.
No, and it's taken the crease out of my trousers! Oh, come on, Sid, lend us a knife and I'll go across to the gent's and fix me zip.
Here.
And be quick about it.
Aye.
Watch where you're putting that flag.
And the knife.
Where's he gone? Where's who gone? Who do you think? We've only got Robin Hood and Maid Marian.
Where's Little John? Oh, my God, he's not gone upstairs! You'll have to go and fetch him! He's not up there.
And while you're up there, count them towels! Stop worrying.
He just popped out for a second.
Are you sure? With trousers like his he's often popping out for a second! We'd like two cups of delicious tea, Sid, but I expect we shall have to put up with the usual.
Listen, I can drink it.
But do you like it? What kind of an unfair question's that? I don't want any arguments this morning.
I want some good behaviour down here.
Do I make myself clear? It would be unwise at this juncture to incur the displeasure of the management.
This could become a regular booking.
I mean, they have to meet somewhere once a fortnight, and it might as well be here.
Who has to meet somewhere once a fortnight? The Bullocks.
The Noble and Ancient Order of Bullocks.
Ah, come on! It's true.
You've heard of the Buffs, the Lions, the Elks Well, we've got the Bullocks.
Soup, sweet and cold buffet.
To be served in a private room where they can first perform their ancient secret ceremonies.
What kind of ceremonies? Short ones, I hope, if they want their soup keeping warm.
Secret ones.
Nobody ever sees their ceremonies unless they're a Bullock.
I was talking to their First Horn.
Their what? Their First Horn.
He's a senior officer at the lodge.
He told me their ceremonies are shrouded in mystery.
He thinks they go back to time immemorial.
Like when they first began the Humber Bridge(?) It's an excuse, if you ask me, to keep the women out.
Well, there you are, you see.
Nobody's all bad! Hey! Well, I mean, how did you get them here? Well, there's no need to look so surprised.
We are a competitive catering establishment.
Nobody actually hijacked them.
I see you had to lock the door to keep them in! That was to keep you lot out.
You mean you just looked up and there they were - 28 Bullocks? They're in between premises owing to redevelopment.
They made a lovely job of the room, though.
It's all decked out with wall hangings and banners.
Their First Horn, he comes down with two of his acolytes and he supervises every detail.
Yeah, and then stops off at the pub for an hour with you.
We were only finalising arrangements.
Leaving me with 28 cold buffets.
Yeah, but what exactly do they do? Well, they band together for mutual brotherhood and charitable purposes.
They get plastered two nights a week and have a lunch once a fortnight.
And, unofficially, their First Horn confided in me that they are something of a power in racing-pigeon circles.
HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ABOVE Fancy that! From time immemorial.
It gets you right here.
You don't want too much of that on your upstairs lino, do you? Ah, it's nothing.
They've gone quiet again.
It's not disturbing anybody.
What, 28 cold buffets dancing on your ceiling? Well, they never said a word about dancing.
We've no licence for dancing.
It's not dancing.
Eh? MORE THUMPING Oh! It's not dancing.
That's not dancing.
They're just banding together for mutual brotherhood and charitable purposes.
You'll have to go up and have a word.
It's not dancing.
You can't interrupt.
It's all part of the ceremony.
Oh, look! No wonder they're a power in racing-pigeon circles.
Hey up! Where have you been? I've been upstairs with the Bullocks.
Yeah, I went round the back.
Hey, I think they're a load of daisies.
They keep walking about and jumping in front of each other, like this.
Who's a pretty Bullock, then? Moo! Moo! Who's a pretty Bullock, then? Moo! Moo! Argh! Oh, congratulations, Ivy.
That's a lovely buffet you've got up there.
I've had three helpings.
Tha's going to breeze up to this boat and ask this fella, a complete stranger, if you can borrow his flag pole? It's not his flag pole.
It belongs to the sea cadets.
They've been disbanded.
They don't need it.
What are you asking him for, then? Because he used to be in charge of the sea cadets.
Till they were all found drunk in charge of a minesweeper.
Does Foggy know this fella, then? We're not complete strangers.
We're both professionals, former fighting men.
COMPO GROANS We've both known the loneliness of command, been in charge of a destroyer.
Me as a Corporal Sign Writer.
HE LAUGHS Corporal Sign Writer! Deputation to see the Commodore! Permission to come aboard, SIR! Deputation to see the Commodore.
Permission to come aboard, SIR! Agh! WOMAN: Me other shoe! MAN: Don't panic, don't panic.
CLATTER! Got your foot in the wrong trouser leg! CLATTER! You said we were safe here.
Nobody ever comes here.
Nobody ever does come here.
Who are they? How the devil should I know? CLATTER! Ow! Listen, Foggy, I'm not absolutely convinced that we timed this right.
Well, we can't leave now.
He's seen us.
I don't think he'd mind.
I honestly don't think he'd mind.
This bird's got a guilty conscience and she's got a mole on her left Keep your voice down! Find out what they want.
Ooh.
Sorry.
Er, what is it you want? It's about your flag pole.
Oh, God, what can they mean? Be with you in a twinky.
Rather caught us on thehop, you might say.
Just teaching the young lady a few knots.
Very sporting type, really.
Likes nothing more than messing about in boats.
My God, it's a splendid day! Listen, can you pull on that rope thing near the front end there? Yes, that's the chappie.
Now haul me a twinky nearer and then I can step ashore without any of this acrobatic nonsense.
People fall in, you know.
Damned wet.
Yes, that's more like it.
Oh, no, I've got a better idea.
Why don't you all come aboard, then we can all have a drinky, and a bit less of this fresh air.
That's very civil of yousir.
By Jove, he's nimble for his age.
By the looks of this bird downstairs, you must be pretty nimble an' all, eh? It's not called downstairs.
It's called below deck.
I know what it's called.
Uncouth, lower-deck type, sir.
Leave him with me.
Hey, now I know how you lost your hair.
I see.
Something of a rustic wit.
Certainly dressed for the part.
Looks terribly thirsty, eh? Well, come along, come along.
Come along! Ah! A-a-ah! Excuse me.
Ah E-Excuse me! You're getting a bit close, Cleggy.
Is tha thinkin' of buying it? I see.
Something of a rustic wit.
Argh! A-a-argh! Stay where you are! Hold on! Stay where you are! Keep your feet still.
Are you coming? Yes.
Hold on.
Move aside! Let the Commodore see.
He's a creeper.
But very devout.
He's got a real flair for it.
Now then, Commodore Oh, slightly to starboard.
It's the biggest hill over there.
You're going to plant the flag way up there? All the way up there.
It'll bring a touch of pride and splendour to the entire valley.
"That's Foggy's flag up there," they'll say.
Damn fine idea.
When I say "damn fine idea", I don't want you thinking I'm going to help you climb the damn thing, but that apart, I'm with you all the way.
I lay my flag pole unreservedly at your service.
Thank you, Commodore.
You won't regret this.
I'll cherish that flag pole like my own.
Got a flag, have you? Oh, a beauty, yes.
Spanking brand-new one.
Jolly good.
In my opinion, this calls for a little drinky.
Oh, after you, Commodore.
It's all right.
I've got mine.
If a chap has two hips, he ought to have two hip flasks.
That's what I always say.
I think I've pulled a muscle.
What tha needs is an hour's vigorous massage from the skilled fingertips of Nora Batty.
She does a massage? Don't suppose so.
Still, it's not an unpleasant thought to toy with while sitting in the back of a Rolls-Royce smoking a dog end.
Must be a bit like falling under a rotovator.
Still, I'll say this much for Nora.
She's very skilled at being horrible.
She has a flair for it.
I wonder if swallows ever pull a muscle.
Why? Well, they can't always be darting about lyrically.
Maybe those that we see on telephone wires are feeling stiff.
We think that they're resting, but maybe there's some poor little devil up there thinking, "I'm gonna fall, I'm gonna fall!" HE KNOCKS Put your foot down.
The Commodore's expressed a wish to see the flag being raised.
Get the feel of the thing, what? You'll be up there in a twinky.
Get those Bullocks chappies to help you.
He's very kindly offered to let you take the car.
Yes, take the car, take the car.
So you can go and fetch the flag, then drive over to yonder hill and stroll up to the top with the pole and raise the jolly old flag.
Yes, the Commodore and I will stay here, see what it looks like.
Well, off you go.
You know where I want it.
I knows exactly where tha wants it! ENGINE REVS I'm home, Nora! I got a lift from Sid's cafe, in a Rolls-Royce.
A Silver Shroud.
Cloud.
We're off up the 'ill to raise a flag.
Don't stand there on ceremony.
Come in.
You're a fine one to talk about ceremony, Wally.
I didn't know that you'd joined the Bullocks.
Only recently.
You have to if you want to get anywhere in racing-pigeon circles.
Well, we can't stop, Wally.
We've got to climb the north face of Foggy's Fantasy, show him the flag.
Hey, stop just a minute.
I want to show you these pigeon photographs.
Just a minute, Wally.
If you don't mind, I'd like to take your missus for a spin in a Silver Cloud Shroud.
I don't mind if you take her for a spin in a tumble dryer! Hey, come on.
Make yourself at home and sit down.
Hey, look at that, that's class that.
Hey.
Hey, look at that eye.
You can see all the courage and all the game little soul in that eye.
Aye, it'd go well in a pie, Wally, with a few tatties.
Listen, how come you're not out in Argentina with the rest of the SS? Wally, as a casual observer, it appears that your wife is standing on the table.
No offence, Wally.
Tha knows me.
I fancy ferrets and horse flesh andand her up there on the table.
But you show me anything with feathers on it and I'm out of me depth.
Certain kinds of compulsively curious idiots might be inclined to come straight out with it and ask her, why is she standing on the table? Compo, your education's been sadly neglected.
If you can't feel a pang of pure heartbreak at the sight of anything as bonnie and vulnerable as this.
And what time do you call this?! I come straight home from the Bullocks without as much as a detour for a pintor a pair of forbidden lips.
They brought me home in a beautiful motor, with real hide leather seats, and lovely little vanity mirrors wherever you looked.
Who did? We did.
It's outside, Nora.
Get your pinny off and come for a spin.
Unless you'd rather stay there on the table.
I'm not going in no motor with him! I don't know how you can stand there and contemplate me going in a motor with him, until you can get him shaved and a decent suit on, and something else on his feet besides them damn wellies.
We've got no time for that, Nora.
Have tha got a bit of shopping tha wants to do? We could drive you down to the supermarket in reclining seats.
I knew he wouldn't be in here two minutes before he's talking filth! I'm not driving round no supermarket.
All them trolleys.
No, you don't have to drive us inside! You are a daft Hey! He's staring at me legs.
He's staring at me legs! If you're gonna stand on a table, people are bound to stare at your legs.
He doesn't.
He stares at pigeon photographs.
Well, go on.
Turn your backs, all of you.
Go on, turn round! Hey, wouldn't it be simpler if you just come down? I'm not steppin' off this table till you've found that mouse.
It's behind that chair! Don't you like 'em either? Not if they're too big.
She's always seeing mice.
How big was it? Like that? Oh, much bigger than that.
Oh, no, I can't stand that! Argh! Argh! Watch what you're doing! Get off! Give over! I suppose you think that's funny! By 'eck, when you're roused, you look just like Joan Crawford.
It's no good you looking for a mouse with eyesight as bad as that.
Well, if it's got bad eyesight, Wally, don't hurt it if you find it.
Well-drilled little team you've got there, Dewhurst.
Yes, it's taken time, but II flatter myself that, if I tell them to climb that hill, they will climb that hill without a murmur.
Damn fine job you've done there.
Went at it like weasels.
It's a dream I've had.
Big moment for you, is it? I know how you feel.
It's been almost an obsession.
Quite.
I felt just the same about the landlady at The Feathers.
Well, you know how hard it is to force your vision on a cynical world.
Oh, indeed, sport.
Well, there she goes.
My flag.
"That's Foggy's flag," they'll say in years to come.
That brave display will stir the pride of future generations.
England awake, wider still and wider shall What are they doing? Seems to be sagging a twinky.
Get it up! Ooh Welldon't just abandon it.
Get it up! Get it up!