Modern Family s05e03 Episode Script

I'm mad for you Diane.
Roger's dating already? OMG, I wonder if she's younger than him.
You hold on a second? Lorraine, how's my favorite client? I've been on something of a hot streak at work.
I've tapped into a rich vein of new clients recently divorced moms.
You might say I hit the single-mother lode.
How about that master suite, huh? Maybe if I had someone to share it with.
Lorraine, you are a beautiful woman with a lot to offer.
Should we make an offer? It's a great house, but I'm just gonna be alone.
Diane, you're not gonna be alone.
You're gonna get a loan.
Sodas, snacks poker game's in the basement.
Look, I need more sleep than you, and ever since they cut down that stupid prune tree, the sun has been right in my eyes every morning.
It's not a prune tree.
They pruned the tree.
And I'm not switching places with you, so you should just put your head at the other end of the bed.
Uh, why? So my feet get the pillow? And I'm the dumb one.
Diane, you have got to forget about him.
Roger's Cheyenne's problem now.
- Honey - You know what? You need to talk.
Starbucks for a little go juice? What is up? I need to go into the office.
My dad wants me to close out the monthly.
What? Monthly.
Never mind.
Go on.
I'm stretched a little thin today, so I need you to do the grocery shopping, check in on the kids, and maybe clean up those branches in the front yard.
Done and done.
Is that an expression, or did you really only remember two of the things I said? The second.
I'll leave you a message.
Hello? Phil.
Sorry.
Call back.
I have bad news, Jay.
Joe was thrown out of the gymboree.
Again? What happened? He pushed Mason.
He made him cry.
The teacher said that we cannot go back.
That's ridiculous.
Mason's a big baby.
Everybody there is a big baby.
But Joe plays very rough.
And we know why.
It's the curse.
Not that I'd ever want to discourage you from whispering, but that's not a thing.
There is a mark of the devil in my family.
My great-great grandfather was given the location of an emerald mine in exchange for his soul.
There's, like, paperwork or something that proves this? And they say that the day of his daughter's wedding, a great bird came from the sky and snatched him with his claws and took him far, far away.
You're aware that a remarkable number of your stories end with a family member being carried off by a giant bird.
I only know what I was told, Jay.
I'm just saying after the third time, we might think about moving the party inside.
Okay, maybe it's not the curse, but you know that my family has a very dark side.
My cousin Aurelio is a horse thief.
My Uncle Carlos fixed soccer games.
My aunt Did he teach them to pick the ball up and throw it down the field? 'Cause that's the only way you fix soccer.
Manny escaped it, but I am not sure about Joe.
Gloria, this is about an uptight teacher.
And so what if Joe's a little boisterous? Whatever happened to letting kids be themselves? - Ready.
- Lose the hat.
I guess I'm supposed to see "Sound of Music" in a regular hat.
Nothing against "Sound of Music," but there's a lot of other things we could do this afternoon.
You ever hear of "Death Wish"? Oh, I love "Death Wish.
" Manny, that's the charity where the sick kids go to, like, a concert with Madonna or to the super bowl with Justin Bieber, or they No, no, no, no, no.
It's a movie New York, '70s, Charles Bronson's a firm family man, and he Who's pushed to the limit until one day he decides to fight back.
- You've seen it? - It's called "Death Wish.
" I doubt it ends with him trading banter in an apartment with Marsha Mason.
Hey, fiancé? Hello, my intended.
That one sounds a little murdery.
You are my intended.
Stop it.
Stop it! So, while you're out, I'm gonna review our flower options, and I have to say, so far, I'm partial to Floral and Hardy, but I'm gonna give one last look at Florist Gump.
You love a business with a clever name.
I do.
Guilty.
Can I just say I love how this is going? Mm.
Mitchell and I agreed that I would be in charge of the wedding after the tragic news last week from the Andys.
Uh, not the mountain range.
No.
Our friends Andrew and Andrew they broke up.
The stress of planning a wedding was too much.
They were quibbling about Everything.
I mean, uh, which is why I'm just happy to stay out of his way.
Yeah, I dream big.
Then I winnow down.
Dream big.
Winnow down.
- Dream big.
- Okay, winnow down.
Yep.
Stay out of my way.
Sorry.
Daddy, where's Larry? Oh, well, you know how cats are, sweetie.
They're they're wanderers.
But I haven't seen him in days.
Well, he'll be back, okay? Trust daddy on this.
Okay.
You know, I'm starting to get worried that Larry might not come back.
- Oh, he's definitely dead.
- What?! Yeah, street meat or coyote chow.
We'll wait a couple weeks, and then we'll get a new Larry.
Uh, you're pretty nonchalant about our family pet dying.
And shouldn't we help our daughter process this loss? Yes, we will, and she'll be fine.
And it's not nonchalant.
It's farm life.
Death is everywhere.
You just learn to not get too attached to anything.
Oh, so, what, if I were to die, you would just wait a few weeks and then replace me? Of course not.
Where would I find another gay Mitchell with your exact markings? What's happening, Big Al? Yeah, let's go ahead and veto that nickname.
Hey, Reuben taught me this cool trick.
Close your eyes.
Oh, my God! What is wrong with you? You kissed a girl.
Now we're even.
Just paying off a poker debt.
Luke's creepy friend just kissed me.
Ew.
Reuben? That little weirdo? I'm still here.
I'm gonna go boil my mouth.
Oh, hey, guys.
Game's downstairs.
Hey.
This little game you dorks play, we talking milk money or heavy cream? A lot of fresh bar mitzvah money down there.
Mind if I sit in? We kind of got a no-girls policy.
Is it a policy or just something that keeps happening? The second.
Hey, honey.
I am so excited I can't stand it! If you're gonna move your hands around like that, you need to put the phone down.
Okay, okay, okay.
For cocktail hour, they're creating a running waterfall onto which they're going to project a hologram of us embracing.
But we're still winnowing, right? Already winnowed.
I cut the angel costumes.
Hard choices, Mitchell.
Okay, I got to go.
I'm so excited! Yeah, me too.
Best thing about my relationship with Cam? Trust.
Newsflash I can be an obsessive person.
In the past, I've had trouble letting someone else call the shots.
Giving up control made me crazy.
That's what makes my life with Cam so freeing.
I can turn over big things to him and never give them a second thought.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Bye-bye.
Phil.
This is Oh! Oh, my God! Phil? - Phil?! - Yeah, I was just sitting there, and he basically molested me.
Excuse me? She's talking about Reuben.
Who are you?! You boys better have money.
I am not doing this for free.
W w what's what's happening? Oh, I hear you, Joyce.
His time's important.
Your time isn't, right? Let me buzz you back, superstar.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
Hey, honey.
Branches are still in the front yard, I just took a rake to the face, Reuben is getting really weird on Alex, and Haley's doing something for money in the basement.
It's all gonna be fine.
Daddy's home, superstar.
No.
Don't call me that.
I'm not of one your needy little divorcées.
Um, that is work.
Is it? 'Cause I kind of feel like part of you loves being a hero to those women.
I'm a helper of people.
Hey, you knew what you signed up for when you hitched your wagon to a realtor man.
Honey, when I met you, you were a wedding deejay.
By the way, Spinderfella, looks like you still need to hit the grocery store.
I think someone's feeling neglected.
Yes, I deal with a lot of lonely women, but there's only one I'm married to.
You're getting too involved, Phil.
You are juggling these women, and you're not that good a juggler.
Now you're just lashing out! Hey, come here.
I didn't tell Jay, but sometimes Joe even scares me.
Lucky for me, there are professionals that are trained to deal with such problems.
Ay, thank you for coming, padre.
Oh, of course, Gloria.
- And this must be Fulgencio.
- Mm-hmm.
What a beautiful little boy.
He's such a sweet nature.
I can tell he's a gentle soul.
Ah! Hey, Fulgencio, no, no.
Sorry, padre.
Ay, that's why I called you, father.
I think he's bad.
There is evil in my family.
Ah, Gloria, he's just a little baby.
Last week, his eyes got red, and the dog backed away.
He probably just had a cold.
All mothers worry.
Look at him rosy cheeks, he's playing with his blocks.
The six again.
So, Joe knocks one kid down, he's out.
All kids do that.
Why do you think your whole building is made out of nerf? Yeah, you see where he gets it from.
Hey, listen, I'm not afraid of you, Miss Debbie.
You're not the damn it.
Sounds like someone needs a relaxing trip to Nazi-occupied Austria.
Can't believe she hung up on me.
Well, you were yelling at her.
Standing up for yourself is not the same thing as, uh Excuse me.
Uh, come on, Jay.
So no one ever taught you manners, huh? Whatever, dude.
No, you bump into somebody, you apologize.
And since I'm teaching you something here, here's a little class called "intro to pants.
" Jay, stop! Get off me! I go to school with those kids.
You know how embarrassing that was? - Manny.
- No.
Why do you always got to be like this judgmental, hot-tempered, loud? These are a few of my least-favorite things.
Well, I can see that the house speaks to you Diane.
"Buy me.
" Not now, house.
Ah, the open floor plan, the spacious kitchen.
- I do love it.
- Yeah.
Oh.
That's that's the office.
Why don't you take one last look at the backyard? Did someone say barbecue? "I did.
" Lorraine, what is up? Nothing.
Just kicking it at the office.
Hey, hey, hey.
Slow down, now.
Tell Phil what happened.
Phil, can I go in the garage? Make yourself at home, sister.
Hey.
That was my sister who is visiting town and my office, which is where I am calling you from.
You called me.
I'm worried about Larry.
Oh, honey, I know.
Where is he? Um, Lily, there's probably something I should tell you.
Larry's not coming back home.
Why? Is he dead? Nope.
Um, not dead.
Lay, uh, met someone, fell in love, and he got married.
Are they ever going to visit? I'm afraid not because when cats get married, they have to move to, um, the forest, and so then they're not tempted by other cats in the city.
- It's Larry.
- I know.
Even people that you would never expect - have moments of weakness.
- No, over there.
But where's his wife? Hello, Larry.
Larry's back.
Yeah, uh, well, you know what? I think they probably, uh, didn't work out, and they broke up.
People get married and then break up? What if that happens to you and daddy? Oh, y you know what? Daddy made a mistake.
Uh, Larry and his wife didn't break up.
Larry's wife died.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
That's why we're gonna give him the closure he needs by throwing, um, a funeral to celebrate the remarkable life of Larry's wife.
It's gonna be great.
You know what? We're gonna have music, we're gonna get a shoe box we're gonna have candles.
Yes.
Hi, Florist Gump.
It's me again.
It felt good to handle that crisis on my own.
In the past, I would have had to run to Mitchell, but he's been trusting me more and more.
I'm so proud of him.
He's really learned to let things go.
Oh, no! God, no, no, no! What? It's a bloodbath down there.
We lost everything.
I thought you were good.
I always beat Dylan.
Come on.
We need your help.
You're the best card player in this family.
What's in it for me? - A chance to be a good sister.
- Pass.
Reuben's been telling everyone you slipped him the tongue.
Move.
I thought cats had nine lives.
Yeah, and they do, but Larry's wife was older than he was, and she'd been married eight times before.
Like Elizabeth Taylor? Oh, you remember our bedtime stories.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Oh, Dylan, thank you for coming on such short notice.
I just need you to dig a hole right over here.
- Thank you.
- Oh, no problem.
So, Lily, I'm really sorry.
How's Larry doing? Fine.
He's a happy cat.
Oh, they're cats.
That's gonna make my job a lot easier.
Okay, everyone, thank you for coming.
It means a lot to Lily, and it means a lot to me.
Angus? So, Larry's wife what can I say? She loved Larry.
And, um, you know, like all cat marriages, they had their ups and their downs, but they always landed on their feet.
Oh, hit a rock.
Oh! Not a rock! Okay, everybody! Please stay calm! Please stay calm! No running! It's slippery! Angus, keep playing! Okay.
- Randall! - Yeah? I'm up here.
Mr.
Pritchett? This is all intern work.
It isn't for my band.
Need me to do a coffee run? No.
No, uh, listen, I was I was cleaning, and I got stuck up here, and I need you to go into my office and stand up the ladder that fell.
Got it.
And I'm sorry about lying before.
Those are flyers for my band, the interns.
Uh-oh.
Your door's locked.
Oh, no.
But, hey, I I think, if you keep going forward, then back your legs out through the vent, I can grab them to help you down.
Oh, I don't know.
That makes me a little nervous.
Just think about something else.
I heard you're getting married.
How's that going? Oh, yeah, yeah.
It's it's good.
It's good.
You know, we're planning it right now.
Actually, it's being planned for me.
That's nice.
No stress.
Oh, you'd think, huh? But it's getting a little bit out of hand.
Oh, that happens with weddings.
Does it? I mean, how many weddings have you been to that have something called a dove Cannon? You know, I think I should have a say in something like that.
You need to let go, Mr.
Pritchett.
I I can't.
I I wish I could, but I can't.
I just it's freaking me out.
No, I've got you already.
Okay.
Oh.
Thank you.
You know, I'm pretty good at reading people, and it sounds like you and your lady really need to talk this out.
Yeah, maybe you're right.
So I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
- I'm gay.
- Oh, my God.
Does she know? Got to save something for the wedding night, huh? Okay.
Riley, no! Buster, please sit! Dylan, help! I can't! These cats and dogs are fighting like oh! Okay, everybody, I'm sorry.
This was supposed to be a small service, but I don't winnow down.
I overdo.
And if I let a simple fake cat funeral get out of hand, how am I supposed to plan an entire wedding? You're late.
Okay, I need Mitchell.
Good news.
He just pulled up.
Damn it.
Okay, in.
In, in.
Yes.
Okay.
And, please, can somebody catch that thing? Okay, all right, stay.
Everyone just Hey! How was the gym? I never made it.
Listen, Cam, I got to talk about something.
I do, too.
What would you think about being more involved with the wedding? That's what I wanted to talk about.
I would love to.
Thank God.
You know, I just think we're we're better together.
"Better together.
" Mm, I like that.
I cannot be in a house with snakes.
How bad is it? Gonna need about an hour.
Here you go.
I got you sno-caps, 'cause, you know, at the end, they escape across the alps.
Thanks for ruining it.
Calm down.
The movie's 50 years old.
Making friends everywhere, aren't you? Listen, you always say, "Express your feelings.
" When I get mad, that's what I do.
Hello? Yeah, I can talk.
My parents dragged me into this stupid movie.
- Go ahead, Jay.
Feed him his phone.
- Yeah.
You're telling me that doesn't bother you? I can't hear you.
Talk louder.
- I'm just saying - Uh-huh? Yeah.
If we give in to every impulse, we're no better than wild animals.
But if we push it down, it eats you alive.
Not if you just let it go.
The chick from that crapfest "Mary Poppins.
" That's it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! A lot of cold, lonely nights in that apartment by myself while my mom was driving a taxi, and only one thing kept me company.
So, you got a problem with Poppins, you got a problem with me.
Ay, father, I am so sorry.
I didn't even know that he could hold a fork.
No, no, no, I blame myself.
I probably shouldn't have taken his nose.
No, it's my family.
The girls are very chesty, but the men, they're kissed by the devil.
Gloria, the fact that you are so concerned is only proof that you are a loving and caring mother.
Huh? It's the parents who shape the child.
And your son is growing up in a wonderful home.
Die, scum! No, no, no! Louder, like you did at the drive-through.
Mom, Jay and I saw "Death Wish.
" Amazing.
Manny got in a fight at "The Sound of Music," got kicked out.
I've never been so proud.
Well, I guess every household could use a little fine-tuning, huh? - Let me give you my card with my cell number on it.
- Please.
And what did I do with my wallet? I I had yelled at Phil for not helping out, and there he was, doing exactly what I had asked him to do Here's our zucchini.
Up top, buddy.
For some other family.
You are so sweet for helping me with this.
How hurt you've been, Lorraine This is sweet.
This isnormal.
Phil? Diane? Hey, superstar.
I thought I was superstar.
Oh, your husband has been so wonderful to me.
He's not my husband.
He's my realtor.
Oh, he's my realtor.
I'm both your realtors.
I I'm just lucky to have such a We're on our way to an open house.
Oh, is that why you couldn't show me The Colonial later? I made that corn bread that you like.
W we're gonna make it to that.
I just have to finish up with Lorraine.
Oh, you mean, like, "get it over with"? No, I I don't mean that.
And I thought zucchini bread was your favorite.
Why why am I buying zucchini? Hey, can't a guy like zucchini bread and corn bread? - Phil? - Damn it.
Ronnie! I thought you had a doctor's appointment.
That's why you had to Miss Darrell's swim meet.
Who's she? Just another client.
"Just another client"? No, that's what is this? Uh-oh, it is.
It's my office.
Got to take it.
- Hello? - Phil? Claire? World's greatest realtor.
What are you doing here? Your hair is sweating.
That's 'cause I'm excited to see my friends.
Let's go, buddy.
Are you all clients of Phil's? Apparently.
Well, you could not be in better hands.
I met Phil when I was at such a rocky place in my life.
He was available to me morning, noon, and night.
Of course he found me my dream house, but that wasn't the best part.
Phil taught me how to trust a man again, and I think that was always his plan.
That was always my plan.
And it was not easy for me to trust a man after the husband that I'd had.
This guys left tools in the yard, let the kids run wild.
Well, great to see you, Claire.
He was always interrupting me.
And he wore the most ridiculous sleep-mask thing.
- Oh, God, sounds like such a diva.
- Yeah.
Or he's photosensitive, which is a real condition.
Never took my advice.
You know, that's the worst part.
He never he never said he was sorry just one time.
I would kill to have heard, "Claire, you were right.
" She was right.
Louder.
I do not love this side of you.
Thanks for winning my computer back.
And getting me all my money.
That was awesome.
Yeah, if only I had stopped there, but I had to go back down.
I got greedy, and I was careless.
There's a story about that I remember from school.
Icarus flew too close to his son.
I think their wings bumped.
One of them fell.
They might have been ducks.
Anyway, the lesson is, is that you have to pay attention.
Or pay the ultimate price.
Shall we, my dear? - Don't wait up.
- Wait up.