Roseanne s05e03 Episode Script

[harmonica wails.]
Darlene, how's the laundry coming? Oh, it came about as far as the living room.
Will it be coming to the actual washing machine? Eventually.
I mean, it's pretty whupped from the first leg of its journey.
Darlene, I'd like to take a shower.
It'd be nice to have a towel.
Let me just finish this.
No.
You work around our schedule, not the other way around.
Ah.
You see, Becky worked around your schedule because she didn't have a life.
Fortunately, you've raised me to defy authority.
Now! The fuehrer needs a fluff and fold.
I got to go.
Oh, hell, look at this.
We got flyers again.
Spray and spray, but they keep coming back.
Would you please fold that laundry and put it away? Okay.
Any luck with the job hunt? Yeah.
Actually, one place offered me an executive position.
Unfortunately, I'm allergic to corn dog batter.
Pity.
However, my story is one of success.
Today I fixed a kid's bicycle chain for five dollars.
Swimmin' pools, movie stars.
What's for dinner? Well, d.
J.
, Even though mommy was out all day looking for a job, She still had time to plan tonight's menu.
Go through these pizza ads and order whatever's 2 for 1.
Did Becky call? Yeah.
So what'd she have to say? I don't know.
You'd have to ask Darlene.
How long is this gonna go on, Dan? She's called every single day.
So, what, you're not gonna talk to her for the whole rest of your life? Hey.
There's a new place called final notice.
Give me that.
It's from the electric company.
Oh! They're cutting us off at 5.
Didn't you pay that bill? Well, I had to choose Between water and electricity, Dan, And you can only live Sure, I can take a bath, but I can't throw the toaster in.
Hello, this is Roseanne conner, No, I can't hold-- oh, I'm on hold.
How far behind are we? I don't know.
A few months.
I can't believe they're cutting us off after the very first final notice.
Hello? Okay, I got this kind of a warning On my doorknob from you guys, Saying you're gonna cut us off at 5, which is in, like, about 3 minutes.
What am I supposed to do? Well, hey, I sent a check in there.
It ain't my fault if you guys didn't get it.
Well, no, I can't get down there that fast.
Hey, I know.
You're there.
Why don't you write a check, and then I'll cover it on Monday.
I'm good for it.
We're screwed.
Okay, listen up, family.
If anybody has anything to do this weekend that requires electricity, You've got about Oh, rats.
And it way my turn to vacuum the house.
I'll try to dig up some flashlights and candles.
I'm gonna watch tv.
[tv switches on.]
Way to help out, son.
Well, I'd better turn up the fridge.
[tv audio slows, stops.]
Well, middle class was fun.
[theme.]
[Roseanne laughing.]
[Roseanne.]
I can't believe that nobody can figure what this is.
Here, I'll give you one more clue.
Moo-oo! A cow? You got it.
Okay, here's another one.
Cock-a-doodle-doo! Give me another clue.
It's a rooster.
"it's a rooster.
" is it a cow? I told you this was gonna be fun.
Oh, yeah.
Now let's play lizzie borden.
I'm bored.
And stupid.
Don't forget stupid.
All right, everyone.
More flashlight fun.
Everybody grab one in each hand, turn 'em on, and wave 'em around on the wall.
[Dan imitating rock music.]
[Roseanne.]
oh, look, it's It's a laser show at the iron butterfly concert! All right, enough.
Hey, my battery's dead.
Oh, no problem, d.
J.
Get the one out of the smoke detector.
That's dangerous, Darlene.
What if I need it for the remote control? Hey, Deej? Forget the flashlights.
Come on down here, son.
You know, when I was a kid, my grandpa Used to tell me about when he was a kid, Before there was tv, They used to sit around and tell stories.
What kind of stories? I don't know.
That was his best one.
But I bet your mom could make up a good one, couldn't you, honey? Oh, okay, let's see.
Um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, Um, um, um Ah! I got one.
Okay.
Well, once upon a time there was these 4 princesses, And they lived in this great, big house all together, And they never left, okay? And they just sat around all the time talking and talking And yammering and yammering, And they killed every single man who ever came over there Except for one, who they kept as a pet.
And then one time, these 2 princesses left And then these other 2 came on and they really stunk, and-- Mom, that's designing women.
Oh, you figured it out.
Let me try to make one up.
Go for it, son.
I'm in hell.
Okay, um, there was this guy, And he was walking down the street, And he kept walking.
Then he found something, and then he lost it.
And there was this car with a guy in it.
Then he got something.
And there was this dog, And he was barking because the window was open.
Not so much he could jump out, But um The end.
Darlene I'm sorry, but this bites.
Yeah, it really kind of does.
Hey, I got an idea.
How about me and you, Tomorrow we'll go do something together, something real special.
Like what? I don't know.
Maybe we could go soak up some electricity down at the mall.
I don't do the mall, mother.
Oh, come on.
It'd be a lot of fun, you know.
Becky and I used to go down there, okay, And this one time [chuckling.]
One time we were over at rodvelle's, you know, And we went in and we stuck all the mannequins' skirts Right up their butt, you know? And then we went over to hickory farms And we squeezed all the cheese logs and ran.
What do you say? [knock at door.]
Please let that be child welfare.
It's about time.
Sorry.
Hey, Mrs.
Conner, Mr.
Conner.
[Dan.]
son.
This is weird.
When are you gonna have light again? Oh.
Just as soon as the earth Spins back around towards the sun.
Okay, well, we're out of here.
Whoa, whoa! Where you goin'? Upstairs, to work on our comic.
Alone? With no lights on? I don't think so.
What do you think we're gonna do? If I think about it, you're grounded.
No, I want you to stay down here.
If you want, you can work in the kitchen.
What, and be distracted by all the fun you're having in here? I couldn't concentrate.
Keep running back in every time I thought of a new shadow puppet.
This is stupid.
Let's go.
Get back down here! Come on! Darlene David, which one of us could hurt you more? I'm not sure.
Dad, we're just gonna work.
Why are you assuming something's gonna happen? I mean, come on.
He's not Mark.
That's true, Dan.
Mark had a Sexy kind of dangerous thing going on.
This is David.
Yeah, okay.
Go ahead.
Okay, where were we? Right here.
No, come on, David.
We've got to finish this.
Okay.
Uh, right.
Here's where you had the skinless man pin the moth woman alive To the collector's board.
Hey, look at the size of the moth woman's breasts.
So? So they're huge.
They weren't like that before.
She was a caterpillar before, for god's sakes.
Look at this.
All the women have enormous breasts.
I just thought they'd be more interesting that way.
You're just getting off on this.
I mean, look at some of this stuff you've got them doing.
I didn't write this sleaze.
Is this all you think about? Yeah, I think about it.
Thinking about it is all I can do.
What's that supposed to mean? Come on, Darlene.
We've been going out for a while.
There's a lot of people that have been going out for a lot less and doing a lot more.
All right.
Well, let's do it right now.
You know, you make it sound like it's this bad thing, When all I want to do is get closer to you.
I thought, you know, we're here and it's dark I thought maybe we could mess around.
If I feel like messing around-- and I am extremely flattered that you call it that-- Then I'll let you know.
Till then, chill.
Okay.
I'm sorry.
Let's just get back to work.
Fine.
You can start by erasing those.
And those.
And that.
Okay, does anybody want anything? Because I'm opening.
I need something to wash down those Oh, how about green jell-o? I'm your boy.
[door shuts.]
Hi, guys.
Oh, you guys are not going to believe The time I had At that singles dance last night.
I haven't even been home yet.
Not that I met anybody or anything, But Nancy and I had a few, so I just decided to crash at her place for a while, you know, Just for the night.
You ought to turn the freezer up.
It's getting kind of warm in there.
Anyway Jackie, let me make you some breakfast, okay, because-- Roseanne, I'm right in the middle of a story here, okay? Anyway, the second we walk in the door, Nancy starts throwing herself at any jerk Who's wearing old spice, Which leaves me completely alone, Having to fight off this whole parade of losers.
This one guy actually said, "you're under arrest for stealing my heart.
" It was priceless! [laughing.]
Pathetic! I just want to See if any of 'em called.
Hey, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne.
What do you need candles and flashlights for? Oh.
Well, we don't have any lights, But now we know the speed of stupid.
How was I supposed to know they cut your power? Well, we thought maybe the lack of electricity might tip you off.
[ringing.]
Hey, you want to shut down that blender? I can't hear.
Hello? It's for you.
What, is it Becky? I'm sick of making up all these excuses for you, Dan.
You want to hang up on your daughter, you hang up on her yourself.
Come on, Deej.
Let's go work off that breakfast.
Uh, Becky.
Hi! No! No, they're just having a problem with the electricity, So he had to go, um, change a fuse.
And they will probably call you back in just a little bit.
Okay? Sure.
Bye-bye.
Roseanne, this thing with Dan and Becky can't go on forever.
I know.
Sooner or later They'll cut the phone off too.
No, now, come on.
First things first.
How do we get the electricity back on? You pay the bill.
Good.
Good, good, good.
Okay, how fast can they restore service? Well, they said if they got the cash early enough on Monday, Then they would turn everything back on Whenever the hell they feel like it.
No! That's not right.
I'm gonna make a call and see if they can get it on Any sooner than that.
Did you tell them you have children? Yeah, they don't want 'em.
Morning.
David, you're early.
Yeah, yeah, I'm early.
I just got here.
I couldn't sleep at my house, where I was before.
Well, I guess you had kind of a rough night, huh? Come on in, honey, and tell me all about it.
You are dead! Mom, wait.
No, you wait! Nothing happened, mom! I trusted you.
What'd I miss? We were working on the comic book.
We hit this great roll.
We ended up pulling an all-nighter.
That's all that happened, okay? [door shuts.]
ohh Hey, rose, did you David, you back again? Don't you have a home? Yes.
Don't they miss you there? Yes.
First thing this morning, there he is, knocking on the door again.
You know, I think you guys are seeing too much of each other.
You should go home now, David.
[opens door.]
yeah.
Uh, good night.
I mean, bye.
Hey.
Hey.
Did you tell dad? No.
You're much more use to me alive.
Thanks for not going psychotic on us.
Yeah, well, you're welcome.
I was just trying to be a cool mom.
I appreciate it.
Yeah.
And as a cool mom, I want to save you from some of the embarrassment that Becky went through, So I'm just gonna go ahead and bring this up first.
Bring what up first? Uh, Monday we'll go to the gynecologist And get you some birth-control.
Why? Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough To be a grandmother yet.
Nothing happened last night.
I told you that.
Oh, Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room.
I'm not stupid.
Yeah, well, neither am I.
First of all, I don't want to have sex yet.
And second, you think I'd do it with you Why not? You could do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Really? You can't.
You mean you can hear us? Last night I had to tell David you were moving furniture.
Well, fine.
We're not talking about my sex life.
I'm an adult.
We're talking about your sex life.
I don't have a sex life.
But if I did, I wouldn't tell you, 'cause I don't think it's any of your business.
And unlike your other daughter, if I needed birth control, I'd know how to take care of it myself.
I don't need you to hold my hand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why won't you just let me do this? Oh, I see.
This is for you.
Well, how about this? We'll go get me birth control tomorrow, I'll go have sex with David, and then we can celebrate at the mall.
That should be your perfect day.
Darlene Darlene, you get back here! Leave me alone.
I am just trying to be nice, damn it! What's going on here? Nothing.
Can I have some money for a movie, please? Sorry, all I have is hundreds.
We're not done talking, Darlene.
Fine.
Then just anything.
Just a few bucks So I can get out of this stupid house and do something.
You're not going anywhere.
This discussion's over, mother.
I'm not gonna relive some gynecological bonding moment you had with Becky.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You want to tell me what we're talking about here? I'll tell you later.
No, let's tell him now.
Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.
I don't think that'll work.
I don't think that this is the proper time For you to discuss this with your father, Darlene.
Why not? I have nothing to hide.
David never left last night.
We stayed up all night long working on the comic book.
I'm sorry.
I screwed up, but I didn't sleep with him.
[seething.]
calm down.
I'm handling this.
No, I'm handling this.
There's nothing to handle.
Don't you listen? Yeah, I heard.
And I'll be damned If I'm gonna let this happen twice.
You are not gonna see David again, do you hear me, Darlene? I don't believe this.
You guys are treating me like I'm Becky.
I'm not Becky.
I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky! So what are you getting at, Becky? What I'm getting at, mother, is I'm stuck here, So I'm paying for how she screwed up.
But if you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky.
Leave me out of it.
[door slams.]
Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk? Think she's telling the truth? Well, if she went to all the trouble of saying it in front of you, I guess she'd have to be.
You should have told me, Roseanne.
I don't even know what I can tell you anymore, Dan, And what I can't tell you, 'cause you already got one kid that you won't even talk to.
Well, Stuff happens around here, I should know about it.
Okay.
Well, brace yourself.
The kids can hear you having sex.
[line ringing.]
[Becky.]
hello? Hey, Beck.
Dad? Yeah, it's me.
How you doin'? I'm good.
How are you doin'? [mouthing words.]
I'm okay.
Good to hear your voice.
Yeah, it's good to hear your voice too.
So, how's mom? She's fine.
So I heard it was Really cold up there last week, And I was just wondering if your landlord put in the storm windows yet.
No, I don't think we have them, dad.
Well, that's crazy.
You're gonna freeze.
Okay, listen.
Here's what you do.
Just go down to any hardware store, and you get this stuff-- Plastic window insulator.
You want the indoor kit, not the outdoor kit.
Okay, Beck? Now, all you do is you fit the plastic to the size of the window.
Listen, dad, I don't know much about this stuff.
No, no, honey.
It's not that hard.
You just shrink the plastic with a hair dryer.
I know you know how to use one of those.
Dad, maybe you should be talking to Mark about all this stuff.
Yeah, ok Okay, put him on.
Okay.
Hang on.
[Mark.]
hey, Dan.
Hey, Mark.
How's it going? Fine, and you? Real good.
Listen, I was just talking to Becky about, um, You guys should have a plastic window insulator.
[Jackie humming.]
[ humming "there's no business like show business".]
Give me that! No.
Come on, I want it.
No.
Give me it.
No.
No.
Come on, no! Give it, then! Give it! Give it! Come on! [laughing.]
What's going on? Aah! Aah!