Rules of Engagement s05e03 Episode Script

Uh, yes, I had a few questions about tonight's Adoption Fair.
Hey, here's a question.
Will there be food? How late will it be going? Ah.
The Adoption Fair's from 6: Great.
Thank you.
Dinner hours.
There's gonna be food, right? Uh, my hus-- a guy here wants to know if there's gonna be any food.
Thank you.
No food.
Well, a lot of nerve calling it a fair when they're not offering some sort of meat on a stick.
Try not to Jeff it up too much tonight, please.
If we get serious about adopting, we'll need these people to like us.
If they can't like me for who I am, then I'm not gonna buy one of their used babies.
Just don't completely embarrass us.
I'll find an appropriate level.
Good.
Let's finish talking about replacing this rug.
I thought we finished last night when I said no and then fell asleep.
Yeah, I know it's shocking, but your fake cartoon snoring didn't fool me.
It wasn't fake.
It was classic Three Stooges.
And I don't want a new rug.
I put a lot of time and effort into breaking in this one.
Yeah, you tried that argument with all your old underwear.
Come on, admit it- -don't you like your new underwear? Nestles in there sometimes, but This rug is fine.
It works.
Watch.
See? My feet aren't touching the Wood floor.
Hey, way to go, rug.
You know, you get to live in a pretty beautiful apartment because I take it upon myself to make it beautiful.
Like what I did with the guest room and how I designed the kitchen, and I think a new rug will make this whole room feel a lot fresher and ? How many ways to say I love you? ? ? how many ways to say that I'm not scared ? ? with you by my side ? ? there is no denying ? ? that I can't wait for me and you ? All right, so maybe at lunch today we'll do a little carpet shopping.
Carpet shopping? What, did you get a little carried away with the waxing this morning? I wish.
No! God, sorry to disappoint you, Russell.
And me you're disappointing.
You're disappointing me too.
A-all right, carpets this afternoon and the Adoption Fair tonight.
What happened to finding a new surrogate? You mean to replace the old one that we had and loved but then you ruined her for us by having sex with her? Jeez, take it easy.
Talk about holding a grudge.
It was a week ago! It was only five business days.
She and I did some A-busin-ess! Shoo You're alone on this one.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Bingham.
Hey, Timmy.
Good morning, sir.
Hey, Timmy, this coffee doesn't taste as good as the coffee you make at work.
Fix it.
Well, in order to do that, I'd have to bring it into the restroom.
Ha! That's very funny, chutney dangerfield.
Fix it.
Hey, Tim, do you know anybody who can get us a quality rug at well below quality prices? Oh, I see.
So because I'm of Indian descent, I must have a friend or relative who's a carpet merchant.
Is that it? Well, do ya? Yes.
Little more and There.
Oh, my God, I love this rug.
Thank you.
Adam, what do you think? When I lift the couch, my guns look huge.
Tell Audrey thanks again.
The rug looks perfect.
Yeah, it really ties all your crap together.
I'm gonna miss it.
Well, you can come over whenever you want to visit the rug.
You start buying my brand of scotch, and maybe I will.
He said Hoping they'd buy him a bottle of thank-you scotch.
Anyway, I am gonna go pick out some new pillows and throws to go with the rug.
Is that near a liquor store? Buy me scotch.
Anyways, I hope that you and Jen have as much fun with this rug as Audrey and I did.
And We had some fun.
Uh, what do you mean? What- -what sort of fun? Sex fun.
You used to have sex on this rug? Yep.
Yeah, in fact, just last night we threw it a little "bone voyage" party.
I'll see ya, Buddy.
No.
No.
Who's responsible for this? I bet it's Voldemort.
Yes, it's Voldemort.
Excuse me, sir.
Timmy.
You know I don't like to be disturbed while I'm reading pornography.
Yes.
Pornography.
So it won't bother you to know that Professor Snape kills Dumbledore.
Why would that both-- not Dumbledore! Why would you tell me that? Oh, I don't know, sir.
Why would you pants me during yesterday's staff meeting? All I know is everybody laughed but you.
Actually, you also know that Harry marries Ginny Weasley.
No! Why are you telling me these things? Timmy, take off your belt and call a staff meeting.
I really do wish I had the time, sir, but I have to take the Binghams carpet shopping.
Oh, bore.
Okay, fine, fine.
Now, I've written down some emergency contact numbers for you.
There's my cell, the police, your "masseuse" And the gentleman who waits in the lobby making everyone feel uncomfortable while your "masseuse" completes your "massage.
" All right, enough with the air quotes.
I don't need you around.
I'm not a child.
Go.
Of course not, sir.
I've also placed your afternoon juice box on your desk.
Stop making yourself feel so important and beat it.
Gladly.
Ah! Ooh! Timmy! Tim? The brown one is nice, but, um Can I see the yellow one down here? Mm May I see the brown one again? I hate to be a Polly push-along, sir But how much longer do you think Mrs.
Bingham will take to decide? We might die first.
You've got that whole reincarnation thing, so You're fine.
Look, Mr.
Bingham, I-- how does that work? You know Do you get to pick what animal you come back as? Sir, it's actually a deeply personal matter, so See, me--I'd go bird.
Or comboBird-horse.
So I get to fly And then when I land, I got a little something for the reincarnated ladies.
Did you ask your Uncle about giving me the "friend of Timmy" discount? Oh, Mr.
Bingham, do you consider us friends? Discount friends.
I had a great time with you.
Are you kidding? I would love to see you again.
And by the way, you don't need to bring the massage table.
We're not fooling ? anybody ? oh.
Okay.
Yes.
All right.
I'll see you soon.
Bye, hon.
Ah ow! Hey, babe.
Get the hell off the rug.
What? Why? It's so plush and soft.
Jen, Jen, Jen, don't.
Don't what? OhOh! Three-second rule.
No! What is wrong with you? OkayListen.
Jeff told me that he and Audrey used to do it on this rug.
Eew! I know, right? I mean, no way we're buying him any scotch! Oh, they're all over me! I've gotta go take a shower! No! Don't leave me alone with it! Ah-ha! Aah! Gah! Come on! Eh! The yellow one.
Or the brown one.
Hey, what do you say you crank up this thing and fly us outta here? Ah, I'm Aladdin.
I certainly had that coming, from bringing you here and getting you a discount.
Jeff, can you get over here and help me? We gotta make a choice and then get to the Adoption Fair.
Well, then pick one.
This should be both our decisions.
Which one do you like? Well, this one feels Wow.
It's a good thing I'm already bent over.
Don't pick by price.
Which one do you like better? I don't wanna tell you.
Well, I want your opinion.
Oh, fine.
Here we go.
Um I like the brown one.
Really? 'Cause I like the yellow one.
Then let's get the yellow one.
No.
Now I know you like the brown one.
And there ya go.
See? See? Fly, Timmy, fly.
All right.
That's as clean as it's gonna get.
Okay.
Well Let's take a look.
Oh! Whoa! Ugh! God, that's disgusting! It's like Jeff and Audrey's marriage in liquid form.
Ugh AndAnd you were rolling around in it.
Oh.
Thanks.
I forgot about that.
You know, II still think we might have to get rid of the rug.
Unless We have sex on it.
UhI don't know.
I mean, I've done some dirty things Yes, we did.
And there was that truck stop bathroom I don't remember that.
The locker room floor.
The locker room? Yeah.
The back of that taco truck.
Okay, please stop.
Look, if we wanna try to keep this thing, it's our only chance.
Oh Ugh.
This is gonna be worse than that time we did it in the parking structure.
Still not me.
Oh, wow.
This is great.
All right, they have information on adopting from countries all over the world.
It's like the international food court at the mall With babies instead of gorditas.
Ah.
Mr.
and Mrs.
Bingham.
Hi.
I'm Tom Wrigley.
I'm the director of the program.
Feel free to ask me any questions you may have.
Oh, thank you so much.
I got a question.
Should we tell him that there's a dead raccoon on his head? When he turned around, I expected to see a tail.
Okay, no more of that.
That guy is very important, all right? If we decide to adopt, all starts with him.
Okay.
What did you just eat? It's a mini egg roll.
They had a bunch at the bar mitzvah next door.
They're really doing it up for Seth.
You said you wouldn't embarrass us.
No, I said I'd try, and I planned on eating before, but you took so long at the rug store, we didn't have time.
I took so long because I got no help from you.
But why would I expect my husband to participate in a decision that affects us both? Hey, I participate when I care, and like I told you before, I don't care.
Then why did you say you wanted a brown one? Because you forced me to choose.
But to be honest, it could be brown, yellow, whatever.
Get a black one, for all I care.
I don't know how you can be so blase.
I mean, we're gonna have to live with it for years.
Hey, I was fine with the old one, but no, you had to just give it away! Didn't even let me sell it.
I beg your pardon.
I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Huh? 'Scuse me? Adopting a child is a very serious decision, and you don't sound like the kind of people who should be legally allowed to do so.
I should call social services! What? O-oh, you thought we were talking about babies.
No, no, no, no, we were not talking about a baby.
We were talking about a rug, not a baby--a rug.
Not--not your rug.
NotThat you have a rug.
I mean, thatVery well could be your own hair.
Which is entirely possible, and if it's not, it's totally undetectable.
Isn't that right, Jeff? We're sorry to have wasted your time.
Let's go, honey.
Oh, I've never been so humiliated.
Oh, sure, you have.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Are you on your balcony tanning topless? Yeah, way to put the melon in melanoma.
Mr.
Dunbar, are you all right, sir? Timmy, I'm so glad you're here.
Can you hand me those binoculars? Yeah.
Ah! Got 'em.
All good.
Got 'em.
Thank you.
Whoo! What on earth happened here, sir? Oh, I had a little trouble adjusting my chair.
Is this chick waving at me? Was there a fire here, sir? Timmy, you seem a little bit flustered, all right? This'll perk ya up.
Take a look at this Lady's Ga-Gas.
No.
I don't wish to violate the privacy of some poor, innocent woman by ogling her through binoculars.
Gay-guy-said what? Sir, this place is an absolute disaster.
You realize that, don't you? And here you were earlier mocking me for implying that you needed me.
All right, I'll say it.
I need you Thank you.
To clean all this up.
Gotta go! That was rough.
Yeah.
And we both were Struggling pretty hard not to be on the bottom.
You know what? I am looking at this rug, and I am thinking of what we did.
Not of them.
Yeah? Yeah.
Let me try.
Yeah Yeah.
I really feel like we made it ours.
Yeah.
And honey, someday Someone is gonna be sucking gallons of our sludge off of that.
Aw! All right, I'm gonna go get ready for bed.
Hey.
Hey.
We, uh, need the rug back.
Why? Well, Audrey and I couldn't agree on a new one, so Roll her up.
You're not gonna want it.
Jen and I just threw it a "welcome bone" party.
So Now every time that you look at this, you're gonna think of us Doin' it.
Huh.
What are you doing? I'm just seeing if I can edit you out of that picture.
And I can.
So roll it up.
Oh.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey yourself, you.
Good to have you back, old friend.
Looks even better since we got those saps down the hall to clean it for us.
And the rug's fine, but you know what I'm thinking? Something annoying? I'm thinking now we should reupholster the couch and chairs.
Hey, got it right first guess.
I'll make ya a deal.
You can re-whatever the furniture if we re-christen the rug right now.
Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm talking about right here A little bit over here, possibly finishing up right about here.
Me-me-me-me-me-me.