Seinfeld s05e03 Episode Script

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is right on track.
There's no way that you could fake this even.
"Things are great.
I met a terrific girl, I got a great job and if everything goes according to plan I'm gonna be moving back in with my parents soon.
" It's like getting busted on a parole violation and thrown back into the slammer.
"In the opinion of the board, you need further rehabilitation, I'm afraid.
" And you go back into that little room of yours, you feel so huge.
It's like you could take your bed and just crush it in your hands.
You can hold your parents between your fingers.
"Why was I so afraid of you people when I was growing up?" -I can't believe this.
-It won't be for that long.
How can I do this? How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me.
They're insane, you know that.
Hey, my parents are as crazy as your parents.
How can you compare your parents to mine? My father has never thrown anything out ever.
My father wears his sneakers in the pool.
Sneakers.
My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water.
Listen carefully.
My mother has never laughed.
Ever.
Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee.
Never went, "Ha.
" -A smirk? -Maybe.
-And I'm moving back in there.
-I'll lend you the money for the rent.
No, no, no.
Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex.
It just completely changes the relationship.
-Hey.
-Hey.
All right, I'm ready.
I still don't understand.
Why do you want to move back with your parents? I don't want to.
I'm out of money.
I got $ 7 1 4 in the bank.
-Well, move in here.
-What's that? Why doesn't he just move in here? Yeah, I'll move in with him.
He doesn't let you use the toilet.
You can move in with me if you want.
Thank you.
I.
That might not work out.
Careful.
Careful with the suitcases.
We just painted.
-Hello, Mrs.
Costanza.
-Hello, Kramer.
-Close the door.
-I gotta bring in more stuff.
-More stuff? How much is there? -There's more.
-So how are you, Jerry? -Fine, Mrs.
Costanza.
-Hey, I got a terrific joke for you.
-I'm not interested.
No, no.
It's really funny.
-There's these two guy-- -Tell it to the audience.
Here, I made some bologna sandwiches.
Bologna? Nobody eats bologna anymore.
What are you talking about? Have a sandwich.
-No, thanks.
-Oh, stop it.
-You don't want one, Kramer? -No, thanks.
I think you're all a little touched in the head.
You're so worried about your health? You're young men.
-I really don't eat it.
-What will I do with these sandwiches? Will you take them home, give them to someone in your building? I don't feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building.
-All right.
That's it.
Anything else? -No, that's it.
-I gotta go move the car.
-Well, I guess we'll be going.
-What, you're going? -Yeah.
Well, what are you doing later? Elaine and I are having dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend.
-Really? -Yeah.
You can't believe this woman.
She's one of these low-talkers.
You can't hear a word.
You're always going, "Excuse me? What was that?" -Maybe I'll meet you.
-No, George.
We're going out to eat tonight with your father.
Okay.
-I'll talk to you later.
-Yeah, take it easy.
Oh, my God.
-Yeah? -I had this idea for a pizza place -where you make your own pie.
-Right.
-You remember? -That was a good one.
Well.
-What's that? -Excuse me? -Yeah? Yeah.
-Yeah.
Yeah.
You know that Leslie's in the clothing business? She's a designer.
She's come up with a new one that'll be the big new look in men's fashions.
It's, like, a puffy shirt.
Well, yeah, it's all puffy.
Like the pirates used to wear.
-Oh, a puffy shirt.
-Puffy.
Yeah.
See, I think people wanna look like pirates.
It's the right time for it.
To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.
Yeah.
That's true.
I'll be right back.
Jerry's gonna be on the Today show on Friday.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Yep.
He's promoting a benefit for Goodwill.
You know, they clothe the poor and the homeless.
-And the indigent.
-And the indigent, yeah.
I do volunteer work for them.
I set the whole thing up and got Jerry to do it.
-Sure.
Yeah.
-Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep, yep.
Maybe you should take a civil-service test.
-I'm not taking a civil-service test.
-Look at this, George.
You ever seen a silver dollar? Yes, I've seen a silver dollar.
Why don't you wanna take a civil-service test? To do what? Work in the post office? Is that what you want me to do? Would you believe when I was 1 8 I had a silver-dollar collection? I don't understand.
You get job security.
-You get a paycheck every week.
-I'm a college graduate.
You want me to be a mailman? You know, I couldn't bring myself to spend one of these.
I got some kind of a phobia.
-So, what are you gonna do? -I don't know.
I do know that I have some kind of a talent, something to offer.
I just don't know what it is yet.
I bet that collection would be worth a lot of money today.
Oh, my God.
I don't like this waiter.
Look at him.
He sees us.
Doesn't wanna come over.
I need some air.
-George, where you going? -I got a lot of thinking to do.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm terribly sorry.
Look what you've done.
You've spilled my bag.
-Here, let me help you.
-No, no.
It's all right.
It's just that I'm here with my parents and my mother wants me to take a civil-service test and to tell you the truth, I don't even think I'd pass it.
What? -Your hands.
-What about them? They're quite exquisite.
They are? Extraordinary.
Have you ever done any hand modeling? Hand modeling? No.
Here's my card.
Why don't you give me a call? I don't get it.
Me neither.
-What is it? -I don't know.
-They're hands.
-This woman set me up for a job.
Well, what about my hands? I don't see how your hands are any better than my hands.
What, are you kidding? The knuckles are all out of proportion.
You got hair there.
Where do you get off comparing your hands to mine? This is a one-in-a-million hand.
That's what comes from avoiding manual labor your whole life.
This is it.
It's happened to me, Jerry.
I was sitting in the restaurant, the two nutjobs were talking.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I get up from the table, andI bop into this woman.
It's just like in the movies.
-Hey.
-Hey.
-Hey, George.
-Hey.
-Are you crazy?! Are you crazy?! -What? What? -You could've damaged my hands! -What? It's just a toy.
George has become a hand model.
-A hand model? -Yes.
Really? Let me see your hands.
You can look at them, but do not touch them.
Let's see.
Oh, those are nice.
You know, I never noticed this before.
They're smooth.
Creamy.
Delicate yet masculine.
All right.
I gotta get going.
Oven mitts? It's all I could find.
-Would you mind getting the door? -All right.
-Thank you very much.
-Yep.
You won't believe what's up with Leslie.
Since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on Today she's getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores.
Since I what? -Agreed to wear the puffy shirt.
-What are you talking about? You said that you would agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show.
-This? -Yeah.
-I agreed to wear this? -Yeah, yeah.
Well, when did I do that? When we went to dinner the other night.
What, are you crazy? What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? I don't know.
I couldn't understand a word she said.
-I was just nodding.
-There you go.
Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt -on national TV, and I said yes? -Yes, yes.
You said it.
I didn't know what she was talking about.
I couldn't hear her.
-Well, she asked you.
-I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV.
I mean, look at it.
It looks ridiculous.
Well, you gotta wear it now.
All those stores are stocking it based on the condition you'll wear this on the show.
The factory in New Jersey is already making them.
They're making these? Yes, yes.
This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry.
This is gonna be the new look for the '90s.
You're gonna be the first pirate.
But I don't wanna be a pirate.
I knew it.
I knew it.
I always knew you had beautiful hands.
I used to tell people-- Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to? I mentioned his hands to plenty of people.
You never mentioned them to me.
Hand me an emery board.
I always talk about your hands, how they're so soft and milky white.
-No, you never said milky white.
-I said milky white! Scissor.
Don't hand them to me with the point facing out! -I'm sorry.
-You're sorry? I'll try to be more careful.
I hope so.
Georgie-- Georgie, would you like some Jell-O? Why'd you put the bananas in there? -George likes the bananas! -So let him have bananas on the side! All right, please.
Please, I cannot have this constant bickering.
Stress is very damaging to the epidermis.
I have an important photo session in the morning.
My hands have got to be in tiptop shape.
So, please, keep the television down and the conversation to a minimum.
But, Georgie, what about the Jell-O? I'll take it in my room.
Yeah, come in.
Wanted to let you know he's got five minutes.
Yep, yep.
Jerry, five minutes.
Now, that's a great-Iooking shirt.
Aye, captain.
Yeah.
See, I'm glad I ironed it.
It's perfect.
Look at it.
It's fantastic.
Kramer, how am I gonna wear this? I can't wear this.
Hey, this looks better than anything you own.
In two months' time, everybody's gonna be wearing the pirate look.
-Yeah.
-Hi, Kramer.
I just saw Bryant Gumbel.
-He said he might help at the benefit.
-Great.
-What is that? -It's the puffy shirt.
Look at it, huh? What do you think? Is it cool or what? -Why are you wearing this now? -Why am I wearing it now? I'll tell you why I'm wearing it now.
Because the low-talker asked me to, that's why.
And I said yes.
Do you know why? Because I couldn't hear her.
When did she--? When did she ask you this? At dinner, when Kramer went to the bathroom.
-I didn't hear anything.
-Of course not! Nobody hears anything when this woman speaks.
Well, you can't wear that on the show.
-Elaine, you wanna stop it? -What--? What? No, Jerry, you are promoting a benefit to clothe homeless people.
You can't come out dressed like that.
You're all puffed up.
You look like the Count of Monte Cristo.
I have to wear it.
The woman has orders for this shirt -based on me wearing it on TV.
-Yeah.
They're producing them as we speak.
Yeah, but you're supposed to be a compassionate person that cares about poor people.
You look like you're gonna swing in on a chandelier.
Okay, let's go.
Is that what you're wearing? I've never seen hands like these before.
They're so soft and milky white.
You know whose hands they remind me of? Ray McKigney.
-Ray.
-He was it.
Who was he? The most exquisite hands you've ever seen.
Oh, he had it all.
What happened to him? Tragic story, I'm afraid.
He could've had any woman in the world but none could match the beauty of his own hand.
And that became his one true love.
-You mean.
-Yes.
He was not master of his domain.
-But how? -The muscles became so strained with overuse that eventually the hand locked into a deformed position and he was left with nothing but a claw.
He traveled the world seeking a cure.
Acupuncturists, herbalists, swamis.
Nothing helped.
Towards the end, his hands became so frozen he was unable to manipulate utensils and was dependent on Cub Scouts to feed him.
I hadn't seen another pair of hands like Ray McKigney's until today.
You are his successor.
I only hope you have a little more self-control.
You don't have to worry about me.
I won a contest.
Okay, let's get to work.
Back now, 7:46.
On Tuesday the 1 9th, here in New York there'll be a benefit for Goodwill Industries a used-clothing organization that provides services to the needy.
One of the performers will be Jerry Seinfeld.
-Jerry, good morning.
-Thank you, Bryant.
Speaking of clothing, that is a very, very unusual shirt you have on.
Yeah.
You're all kind of-- Kind of puffed up.
-Yeah, it's a puffy shirt.
-You look kind of like a pirate.
Like a pirate.
Anyway, you know, we're hoping to raise enough money-- Do you know--? You know-- Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt.
It could be a whole new look for you.
You could put a patch over an eye.
-You could be the pirate comedian.
-Yeah.
-Will you wear the puffy shirt at the--? -Look, it's not my shirt.
-Whose shirt is it? -What's the difference? I agreed to wear it.
It's a puffy shirt.
I feel ridiculous in it.
I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.
You bastard! -Did you hear that? -That I heard.
All right, a little to the left.
Little higher.
Good, perfect.
-Like that? -Just like that.
Hold it.
Good.
Okay, let me get one more.
One more.
Good.
That's it.
You're done.
-That's it? -That's it.
And here's your check.
Thank you very much.
It was an honor.
Thank you.
It was great working with you.
Your hands are beautiful.
Thank you very much.
You know, I was wondering if you're not doing anything later, maybe you'd like to get together.
You ruined me! You ruined my career! Oh, just keep your voice down, everyone can hear you.
Well, I don't give a damn! If you talked this loud to begin with, I wouldn't be in this costume.
Hey, hey.
You can't believe this.
Look at this check.
They said I had the most beautiful hands they ever saw except for this McKigney guy.
This girl gave me her number.
I got it all.
I'm busting.
Jerry, I'm busting.
I've never noticed your hands before, let me see.
All right.
Yeah.
Real nice.
Nice shirt.
What is this? Is this what you wore on the show? -Yeah.
-Have you completely lost your mind? -Hey.
-Who's dressing you? You look like a complete idiot.
I wouldn't wipe my-- -You ready? -Yeah.
Hot, hot.
-I'm sorry.
-McKigney had a few good years.
How do you forget to turn off an iron? I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.
My whole life is ruined because of the puffy shirt.
It didn't do me any good either.
That benefit was the worst show I ever did.
Some of those heckles were really uncalled for.
"Avast ye, matey"? What the hell does that mean? "Twenty degrees off the starboard side.
It's a Spanish galleon.
" There's no comeback for that.
Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee.
You know, all those stores canceled out on her.
She's finished.
-We're finished.
-Really? What happened? I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.
-What happened to all the shirts? -They gave them to Goodwill.
Puffy shirt.
Puffy shirt.
Can you spare a little change for an old buccaneer? You know, it's really not a bad-Iooking shirt.
Why do we always have to say, "Excuse me" when we can't hear what someone's saying? Why are we so guilty and so--? "Excuse me.
Pardon me.
I'm sorry.
" Why can't, just once, I go: "Nope.
Not loud enough"? Why can't I do that? Just once I would like to have the guts you know, to make that judgment.
Someone mumbles something, and you go, "Your fault.
I'm not sorry, because it's your fault.
"