Home Improvement s05e04 Episode Script

- Hello, Bud.
- Hey, Tim.
- Good to see you.
- Good to see you.
Tim, you know, I've been looking over the scripts and they are terrific.
Great.
It's nice to have a boss appreciate my ideas.
I love what you're doing.
If the ratings in the new markets aren't good, then I hate what you're doing.
- It'll be great.
They'll love us.
- I'm sure they're gonna love you.
- But I still have doubts about Al.
- No Yeah, yeah.
Which is why I made a little change.
- Change? - Yeah.
This is not me! Yeah, but that's what I'm going for.
See, I'm trying to get that 20-something audience - that Generation X crowd.
This'll make 'em shut off their TVs.
I wonder how Al would look in a buzz cut? His mom doesn't look too good in one.
- Does everybody know what time it is? - Tool Time! That's right.
Binford Tools is proud to present Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Whoo-hoo! Thank you.
Thank you, Heidi.
And thank you, everyone.
Welcome to Tool Time I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor, and you know my assistant, Al "Generation X-tra Large" Borland.
You might have noticed Al's not sporting his traditional plaid or flannel today because he's got a new look.
I think he looks peachy.
I don't feel peachy.
Today we're talking about do-it-yourself jobs that aren't actually do-it-yourself.
Replacing a pane of glass is one thing, but for plate glass, you'll need a helper.
I'll be hiking the glass in place, Al will use a point driver to secure it.
- All right, Al, point driver.
- Uh, I don't have my point driver.
Well, thanks for "pointing" that out.
Where is it? I left it backstage.
I feel a little flummoxed without my flannel! You'll have to forgive Al.
He's going through a little flannel withdrawal.
Next week we're checking him in to the Betty Flannel Clinic, so While Al's getting his point driver, I can welcome two new markets for us.
Bottom's up, Milwaukee! And how's it hangin', Columbus? Uh gosh! Al, hurry up.
I'm beginning to feel like Garfield here.
I got it! OK.
I'm here.
It's just you don't know what it's like being trapped in the wrong fabric.
- Secure the points with the point driver.
- No problem.
All right.
We'll glaze the window after - I left the points backstage.
- I got some here.
OK, I'm going to the library for a few hours.
What are you guys gonna do today? - Nothing.
- Nothing.
- Nothing.
- I'm supervising.
Well, don't overwork yourself.
Bye.
- Have a good day.
- Bye.
All right, guys.
Hurry up.
Let's clean this house up.
We'll give your mom the best surprise party ever.
- Think she suspects anything? - Nah.
The party's two weeks early.
Great idea.
I'm glad I thought of it.
I thought of it.
Who thought of having all the guests wait over at Wilson's? Dad, I came up with that.
Yeah, but whose idea was it to have everybody bring their favorite dish? Mine.
Why throw Mom a 39th birthday party anyway? I thought 40 was the big one.
Randy, Randy, Randy, Randy.
You got a lot to learn about women.
A woman's 40th birthday party is something she does not want to celebrate.
Why not? Well, because at 40 a woman feels like she's, you know, getting old.
And that puts her in a very bad mood for a very long time.
- How long? - Generally, the rest of her life.
You see, at that age women don't like their looks anymore.
They see their cheeks sagging, necks hanging.
And before long, it's inevitable their entire face will cave right in.
Even a party can't cheer her up? I'm sorry to say, Mark, there's not a party big enough to make a woman happy who has no face.
Which is why tonight's party is gonna be great.
I'm flying in Aunt Carrie, Mom's best friends will be here.
I even invited that lady she liked at the magazine, Julie Zwickie.
Did you say Julie Zwickie? No, I said,"Goodness, gracious! These counters are sticky.
" - Why are you back? - I forgot my psych book.
Ew! Just mentioning Julie Zwickie makes my skin crawl.
I thought you liked her.
Not since I found out that she bad-mouthed me when I worked at the magazine.
If I ever see that backstabbing witch again, I'll squeeze her neck till her eyes pop out.
- See you guys later! - Have a nice day.
Good party game.
Instead of charades, we can play "Pop the Eyes Out of Julie Zwickie.
" - Hi, Wilson.
- Jill? Tim? What are you doing over there? Uh Wilson called me at work and said he's going out of town, so why don't I check to see if his doors are locked.
I thought you were at the library.
I was.
I got home a couple hours ago.
I'm looking through these photo albums my mom gave me for my birthday.
Hit the deck! Jill's over there.
Hold these.
Look.
That's me at age eight playing our old family piano.
You look mighty cute playing that old piece of junk.
It wasn't a piece of junk.
That was an antique.
Uh-huh.
Look how happy I am sitting there practicing chopsticks.
You were good to be able to eat Chinese food and play the piano at the same time.
- Gosh, I loved that piano.
- Mm-hm.
And Dad got transferred to a base in Europe and gave it away! I was so upset I cried all the way to Italy.
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Mm-hm-hm-hm-hm.
Kind of reminds me of my first scroll saw.
- Your parents gave it away? - No, no.
I left it at the playground.
I put a small motor in the teeter-totter.
I shot this kid halfway across the parking lot.
When I got back to the playground, it was gone.
I always wanted to track that thing down.
Have you noticed when I tell you a story about me, we wind up talking about you? Never noticed.
Good going, Wilson.
Maybe next time you'll keep your "hm-hm-hms" to yourself.
- Well, I am sorry, neighbor.
- OK.
Your keys.
- Hm.
- There you go.
- Al, no eating till we get to the party, OK? - I'm sorry, Tim.
But when they took my flannel away, I was so upset I couldn't eat my lunch! It's not like you couldn't miss a meal now and then.
Main dishes.
Who brought main dishes? Well, I've got a wok full of my delicious kung-pao crickets.
Ew.
Somebody else? Anybody else bring a main dish? It's OK.
It's OK.
We brought a big bowl of lobster salad.
Oh, that's just perfect, Marty.
Great.
Lobster makes Jill break out in hives.
- Marty, why didn't you know that? - I'm sorry.
I guess I'll just start keeping a list of all my relatives' allergies.
Everybody, help get the lobster out of here.
Just pick in and get the lobster out.
Quick, quick, quick.
- Carrie, what'd you bring? - Nothing.
- You come and you don't bring anything? - Tim, I came straight from the airport.
- All I have are my peanuts from the plane.
- I'll take 'em.
- Ooh Honey-roasted.
- Back off, Al.
Put these in the salad.
It'll be like a peanut pasta thing or something.
Hey, everybody! - What are you doing here? - I heard you were having a party for Jill.
How come I wasn't invited? I didn't want you to feel obligated to bring her a present.
You know me.
I never feel obligated.
Hey, I got the balloons.
I had to go all over town but I got 'em.
Well, go all over town and take 'em back.
They say "40th Birthday.
" It's her 39th.
Her 39th? I thought this was her 40th birthday.
Me, too.
Why not have the party next year? Because that's when a woman falls apart and her face caves in.
- Who told you that? - Dad.
He knows everything about women.
Is that so? You know what the odd thing is? This boy has two fathers.
And it was the other father who would've said something Oh, boy.
Why don't you tell us everything you know about women, Tim? Yeah.
We have a second.
Boy, is it hot! Are you hot at all here? Benny, can you help me with this? I can't.
I thought women fell apart when they hit 30.
Oh! How could you say that?! - Hi, Brad.
- Where's Mom? - She's upstairs.
- Perfect.
Everybody's at Wilson's waiting.
- Get that.
- Hello? Yeah, hold on a second.
Hey, Dad, it's that woman Mom hates.
Julie Zwickie.
She needs directions to the party.
Hi, Julie.
It's Tim Taylor.
Hi.
Where are you now? OK, quick.
Get on 94, go west.
When you get to 10 I know, sounds pretty goofy, doesn't it? But just listen.
When you get to 10, go 12 exits.
You get off that exit and then just look for our house.
You can't miss it.
OK.
Look forward to seeing you.
OK, bye.
- Won't that take her to Canada? - Yes, it will.
It'll be a perfect surprise.
I'll go to the art show and act like I've got a stomach ache.
Be back in a half hour.
This is gonna be perfect! Honey! - Ready to go to the art show? - No art show, I'm going to Toledo.
- What? - Yeah.
I found my old piano.
- What? - I got the idea when you told me that story about your scroll saw.
- You hated that story! - I did hate it when I first heard it.
- But then I was inspired by it.
- Go with the hate! Go with the hate! No.
You see, when I was growing up we were always moving around.
My parents used to just throw away all of our stuff.
- So I have nothing left of my past.
- Sure you do.
- You have those beautiful photo - That's not enough! My cousin Henry has the piano.
He says he'll give it to me.
Movers will meet me there.
I'll be back in three or four hours.
- Three or four? - I'll see you later! Three or four hours?! - Did you eat a meatball? - No! I said nobody eats until she gets back.
All right? Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny, Benny.
I'm gonna save this for the toast.
Is that all right? OK? We can't drink anything or eat anything.
There's no guest of honor.
You throw a heck of a party.
It's not my fault, Marty.
This whole thing was the kids' idea.
Hey, we're not the ones who inspired her with that dumb story about the scroll saw.
- This is a disaster.
- Now what? Oh, I just called my service and found out I have to fly to Norway immediately.
- You're flying to Norway now? - Yeah.
I have to photograph a statue of King Olaf in the morning.
You can't leave Jill's party in the middle.
The middle of the party? When was the beginning? Can't you be late a couple days? The statue's not gonna run away.
Tim, it's a big job.
I can't blow off Olaf.
You know, this is unbelievable.
I came all this way and now my sister won't even know I was here.
Yeah, wait a minute.
Yes, she will.
Heidi? - My camera, please.
Thank you, Heidi.
- You're welcome.
- All right.
Say cheese.
- We can eat the cheese? No! OK, I'm off.
- Marie, how are you holding up? - Oh, I'm doing great, Tim.
Considering my bum of a husband left me for a 25-year-old meat packer.
Oh, God, Tim.
Wilson, could you help me out just for a little bit? - Why certainly, neighbor.
Hello, Marie.
- Hi, Wilson.
I'm reminded of the poet, Robert Burns, who said, "Had we ne'er lov'd so kindly, had we ne'er lov'd sae blindly " Tim, maybe you oughta just cancel the party and have it on Jill's real birthday.
- She will be back! - I was just trying to help.
- Well, I'm just trying - Don't snap at me! - I never knew you could be such a crab.
- We can eat the crab? Hello? Hello? Hello.
- Oh, hi, Henry.
I'm so excited to see you.
- Me, too.
Who are you? I'm your cousin Jill.
We just spoke on the phone a couple of hours ago.
Tell me more.
I came here to get my old piano back.
Remember? I told you the story about how my dad gave your mom my piano and how crushed I was.
Devastated.
- Heartbroken? - Oh! Oh, that Jill.
Sorry, I've been shellacking today.
I get a little fuzzy.
- Do you think we could go in? - OK.
Yeah.
Wow! Look at all this stuff! - You like it? - Yes.
I do.
You know, I remember when you used to pick through our garbage.
I had no idea you were gonna shellac it and sell it for a lot of money.
It's funny.
The garbage in the can is worth nothing.
But once it's in a gallery people whip out their checkbooks faster than you can say whatever it is that people say.
Well put.
Well, Henry, the movers will be here any minute.
I'm moving? No.
You're gonna give back my old piano, and I'm gonna take it to Detroit.
- Right.
- Right.
- So, Henry, where is the piano? - Oh, it's over here.
- This is my piano? - Yeah.
- I don't believe it.
- Thanks.
Wait till you see this.
It's 10:30.
Maybe we should cut the cake.
- Cake? - Now you're talking.
Somebody light the candles and make a wish.
I wish I didn't eat so many kung-pao crickets.
Keep getting this weird urge to rub my legs together.
- Jill's coming! Jill's coming! Shh! - Finally! Everybody, hide! Quiet! - What's she doing? - She's standing, staring at the sky.
Go hide.
Hide.
Everybody, hide.
Don't touch that cake until I get back.
Hey, I've been waiting for you.
What are you doing? Watching my dreams float away into the far reaches of nothingness.
I can't see them.
- You can do that inside, can't ya? - Tim.
It was such a depressing day.
- My cousin ruined my piano.
- I'll get you another.
- Let's talk about it inside.
- I don't want to talk about it.
I think I just want to be alone.
Surprise! I'm sorry things didn't go so smoothly.
I wanted this to be a special night for you.
- It was special.
- There were only 11 people here.
Yeah.
But 11 people I really love.
Well, I mean, ten plus Benny.
I'm sorry about that piano thing.
Oh, it was crazy for me to go chasing after that anyway.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was.
I was just trying to go back into my past and find something I lost.
We can do it another time.
I'll go with you.
- We'll make a weekend out of it.
- That's OK, Tim.
You know, when I walked in here tonight I saw all the things that have meaning in my life.
Great friends, wonderful family, a husband who cared enough to throw me a party a year before my face caved in.
- Oh, you heard that? - Yeah, I heard that.
So, honey, are you still gonna love me when I'm all droopy and saggy? Come on! I already do.
I fell in love with you and I intend to fall apart with you.
Hm? - Who is that at this time of the night? - It's probably Al looking for leftovers.
I'm sorry I'm late, but those directions you gave me were terrible! - Julie Zwickie? - Happy birthday! Oh, thank you so much! - What is this? - We did something special for you.
- All right.
Where do you want her? - Right here.
Perfect.
Perfect.
All right, Mom.
What's the one thing you want most in the whole world? Never to see Julie Zwickie again.
Got that.
We got something real special for you.
- Go ahead and take off the bandana.
- OK.
A piano! Oh, my gosh! It looks just like the one I had when I was a kid! - It is the one you had as a kid.
- No! You couldn't have! How could you do this? It was a mess.
Well, not as big a mess as your cousin Henry.
We spent two weeks restoring it in Wilson's garage.
Yeah.
We would've had it done in a week except Dad kept on playing with the train.
Oh, I love it so much.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you, honey.
- Happy birthday.
- And honey! And honey! And honey! Woo! Let me see, what do I remember? Um OK.
I wonder how long it would take to turn it back into an aquarium.
Let's clean up.
It'll be the best party we ever gave her.
You think she suspects anything? I think that having the party two weeks before the real thing Whose idea was it for everybody to bring their favorite dish? Mine.
I'm sick and tired of your insolence, boys.
Dad