Mike & Molly s05e04 Episode Script

I can't helping thinking I'd be a better fisherman with a longer, stiffer rod.
Yeah, yeah, I heard it, too.
Well, I, for one, am a grower, not a shower.
Personally, I'm looking forward to getting away from my old lady.
Ever since Mother changed her thyroid medicine, she's been a real stinker.
Why do we let him come again? Just because we don't know why Harry's our friend doesn't mean he isn't our friend.
It might not be wise to start analyzing our friendships, or this whole thing could unravel.
Hello, happy campers.
We almost packed? Yeah, we got the poles, we got the tent, got the camping stove, got the BM shovel, got the shovel to bury the BM shovel Well, that's good.
I got the lantern, the bug spray, Victoria's coming, and the coffee pot.
Whoa, I'm I'm sorry.
What? Yeah, you know, it's one of those percolating ones that you could put right on top of the fire.
Victoria is not coming on this trip.
Hey, no girls allowed.
It's bad enough we invite Harry.
Look, bub, it's my RV we're taking.
And as the mud flaps'll tell you, "Back off.
" It's a guys-only weekend, Carl.
End of story.
I don't think that's your decision to make.
It should be up to the group.
- No.
No way.
- Not happening.
Have you all forgotten what it's like to be in love? Hmm? To want to spend every moment with the woman whose smile is the first thing you think about when you wake up and the last thing you thank God for when you go to bed? - No.
Nah.
- Nuh-uh.
Not happening.
You know what? I don't need your approval.
I'm taking my car, my girlfriend, and this guys' trip is now officially a bisexual weekend.
I almost had one of those.
By accident.
It was a dark tent, I thought I was grabbing a flashlight the only thing that lit up was his face.
You're sharing a tent with him.
You gotta sit Victoria down, tell her she can't come fishing with us.
Victoria's going? - I thought girls weren't allowed.
- They aren't.
Then why does she get to go? 'Cause Carl invited her.
Well, why didn't you invite me? 'Cause I don't want you to go.
Wow.
No, no, nothing against you.
I don't want her to go, either.
It's gonna ruin the whole weekend.
Well, then, don't go.
It's my trip! Well, I mean, if it's your trip, then you can invite anybody you want to invite.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not playing this game.
There's no game.
I mean, if there was a game, I guess I'd be losing.
Come on, don't be ridiculous.
Am I ridiculous? Is that why you don't want to take me? No.
I I do.
It's just, there's Oh, yeah, bup.
Don't.
It's okay.
Molly, don't be mad.
I'm not mad.
I'm just a little sad.
Luckily, I've got all weekend by myself to to get over it.
Would you like to go fishing this weekend? You don't want me to go.
Oh, but I do.
It doesn't feel like you do.
Come on, please? I it'll be fun.
Well, now you're begging, so I feel like I have to say yes.
Thank you.
Hey you're welcome.
What the hell just happened to me? What is that odd smell in your RV? Is it coming from the bathroom or the fridge? Fridge.
Oh, then it's urine.
I said "fridge.
" And I said "urine.
" It's puma urine.
It's a bear repellent.
Yeah.
Works on people, too.
Mark my words, when you see a mama grizzly circling the campsite, you'll be splashing it on like it's English Leather.
You happy? You got your way.
Now our guys' weekend is turning into a couples' retreat.
Oh, Molly's coming? That's great.
Evens up the teams for Scattergories.
Sure, bring all the board games.
It's not like we're gonna be able to do anything fun anyway.
"Cigars will stink up the tent.
" "Slingshots are dangerous.
" "Cherry bombs are a terrible way to catch fish.
" Boy, we sure blasted our limit last year, huh? Yeah, well, now we're gonna have to rely on our wits.
Did you hear what I said, Carl? Our wits.
Where can I put these? I thought you already packed your stuff.
I got some extra baggage.
I hope you boys are ready to become men.
Mama's bringing moonshine.
I did not start this chain of events.
Nor did I have the balls to stop it.
I have always wanted to go on one of Mike's guy trips, if only to observe, you know? What do they talk about? What do they eat? Do they sleep alone? Or all together in a pile, like kittens? Oh I hope that's true.
Well, I'm just happy you and Mom are coming along.
You know, I've been dreading this weekend.
Why? I don't know.
Carl and I are kind of at a weird place - in our relationship right now.
- What do you mean? Like, "where is this going" weird? Or "don't tell your sister because it might haunt her dreams" weird? The first one.
Okay.
Good.
'Cause that image of Carl in nothing but a Zorro mask still kind of keeps me up at night.
The thing is, I like Carl.
A lot.
He is so kind and attentive and just crazy about me.
So, what's what's the problem? I kind of had a quickie with my ex-boyfriend.
What do you mean "kind of"? Kind of definitely.
Kind of how could you do that? I don't know, it just happened.
I got a text saying he found my sunglasses.
But it wasn't so much a text as a picture of my sunglasses on his penis.
And when I went to go get them, they were still there.
Okay, you said you weren't gonna haunt my dreams! - I'm sorry! I'm so sorry - No, you're not! - I don't think you - Hey.
- Hey.
Hey What's going on? Nothing.
Why would anything be going on? Well, because I asked you to pack the cooler.
Yeah, well, all right, here you go.
Take it away.
I know what's happening here.
I knew it.
Healthy snacks.
- Where's my beef jerky? - Ah Oh, you got us! What'd I tell you, Carl? Turn your back for a second, they start playing Hide the Jerky on you.
You little devil.
What other mischief you been up to? - Well, to be honest - Hey! What is it wh what is with the third degree, Carl? Can't you see she that feels guilty enough about the jerky? Can't you see that? This is why they don't invite girls! An hour and 15 minutes behind schedule.
First time ever.
I wonder what changed.
Uh, he's getting a little cranky.
Is there a juice box for him back there? He's already had two.
Just gimme.
I mean, what would you have done? They were very expensive sunglasses.
Ugh.
I don't want to see that.
See what? Nothing.
Victoria's just having some trouble with her cell phone.
Really? Let me take a look at that.
No, no, no.
No.
Ten and two.
Hands on the wheel.
Besides, it's not really her phone, it's her plan.
Oh, yeah? What's the problem? Her old provider is trying to get her to switch back.
But she's very happy with her current service.
Right? I am.
But you know how I have trouble committing to long-term contracts.
You've been hopping from plan to plan and that's not working out for you, is it? That's true.
I mean, look at me.
I've been with the same provider for three years and I am very happy.
What are you talking about? You complain about 'em all the time.
Well, I still love him.
I'm with Victoria on this.
It's hard to stay loyal with the other companies dangling special offers in your face.
I say just pick one.
They're all gonna screw you in the end.
You ever thought about a group plan? She does not need a group plan.
Just drink your juice.
I I can't believe we pass this place every year and have never stopped.
You know, what might have kept us away is that big sign out front that says "Antiques.
" I I thought it'd be a little treat for the ladies.
It is.
And thank you very much.
Come here, come here, come here.
I I miss you already! Hey, let me ask you something.
Y you think Victoria's been acting differently? We're all acting differently.
Look where we are, it's not natural.
No, I'm telling you, for, like, the last week or so, she's been a little distant, you know? And it's little things.
Like, the other night, we went out to eat at a restaurant, I was wearing my "I'm hers" T-shirt, she wasn't wearing her "I'm his.
" I looked like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
No, man, I I got to step my game up, you know? Be more attentive to her needs, you know? Truly start listening to her.
Or maybe skip all that work and just buy her something very expensive.
No, no, no, look, look, don't get desperate.
Now, you got a good thing going with Victoria don't ruin it.
Yeah, but I don't want to lose her, Mike.
You're not gonna lose her.
Look, relationships, they got ebbs and flows.
Like me and Molly, okay? Whenever I feel like maybe she's a little bit sick of me, I make an effort.
I unload the dishwasher a couple times, we're right back on track.
All right, I hope you're right.
No, I am right.
And if you do do the dishwasher thing, make sure they're clean before you unload it.
It really pisses them off.
My stomach is queasy, I'm hot.
Every time I look at Carl, I feel terrible.
Good, you should, it's called guilt.
Darn it, I thought it was just food poisoning.
How could you do this to such a great guy? Carl doesn't deserve this, he deserves your loyalty and your love and your honesty.
So you think I should tell him what I did? No, absolutely not.
But you just said, "Be honest.
" Not about this.
That's just gonna make you feel better, not him.
What, do you want to break this guy's heart? Oh, my of course not.
Are you gonna cheat on him again? - I hope not.
- Victoria! I won't.
Okay, then, you take it to the grave.
You bury it, you cover it with lime, you burn the clothes that you wore, and you never speak of this again.
What about the sunglasses? Oh, God, tell me those are not the ones.
I kind of went through a lot to get them back.
Hey, look, the last guy who got dragged in here by his wife.
Very funny.
So you gonna tell me what the hell's going on? What are you talking about? You and Victoria something's fishy.
Well, we are on a fishing trip.
Ha You're not fooling anybody.
Even Carl? So there is something.
I didn't say that, I Look, Carl's spinning out enough as it is.
Is there something I need to know? Mike, some things a are better left unsaid.
Okay, well, say it to me, and I'll decide.
Ooh Hey! No, hey.
Now, look, I'm your husband.
You can't lie to me.
Well, she's my sister; yes, I can.
Besides, I'm not lying to you, I'm just not, you know, telling you the truth.
Did she mess around on him? Okay, look.
I know you don't want to rat out Victoria.
So you don't have to say anything, okay? Just blink once for yes, and twice for no.
You have to blink sometime.
No, I don't.
Did you blink when I blinked? I don't know, did I? Okay.
All right, fine.
But we've got all weekend for those peepers of yours to tell me what's what.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, God, that feels good.
Hey, uh, Victoria, while we're waiting for those two, could you, uh, put that visor down? I'm getting a glare.
We're parked in the shade.
Catching a little something off the side mirror.
Well, how's the visor Just please put the damn thing down.
Would you look at that? How did an exquisite $218 turquoise necklace get up there? Carl, why'd you do this? I'm just stepping up my game.
You know, perfect jewels for my perfect jewel.
No, I'm not perfect.
Well, you are to me.
All right, let's go.
Carl, you don't know me as well as you think you do.
Sometimes, I make mistakes, okay? I'm human.
The most perfect one ever created.
Oh, my God, why are you being so damn nice?! Baby, wait! Don't tell him, please don't tell him.
Don't tell him what? Damn your crazy eyes.
Hey.
Hey.
I need to apologize.
For what? You have done nothing wrong.
That's not true.
When it comes to women, I do everything wrong.
I fall too far, too fast.
I say too much, I spend too much.
I am too much.
Oh, baby, you got nothing on me.
I'm all messed up.
When I find a good guy, I'm bad.
And when I find a bad guy, I'm good.
Yeah, which guy am I? You're a good one.
This is really hard for me to say.
Just say it.
Okay.
Here it goes.
I don't think we should sleep with other people.
Y you mean, be exclusive? Yes.
Yeah, I thought we were.
Oh, good, now it's official.
Wait.
Why? Did you ? You know what? Never mind.
I don't want to know.
I don't need to know.
That's why I love you.
You do? I do.
Boy, so much drama.
Is it always like this on your fishing trips? Well, usually it's Harry and Samuel who end up snuggling in the back seat.
Oh, you really do sleep like kittens.
What? Never mind.
Just step on it.
The others are probably full of fish and moonshine by now.
Lucky bastards.
Try it now.
Poor thing, it sounds like Mother after her first cigar in the morning.
Hey, chubs, not only is your RV a piece of crap, but the apple juice in your fridge tastes like ass.
Well, you're close.
Bad news this engine's shot.
Looks like we're not going anywhere.
In the driveway or in the woods moonshine tastes the same to me.
You know what? Maybe we should just take this party to the backyard.
I'll fill up the kiddie pool, we'll stick our feet in.
It'll be just like the lake.
Actually, a weekend without Mike and Carl sounds pretty good to me.
Yeah, let's do this! Uh, does this mean I have to go home? Oh, honey.
No, course not.
You can go to a movie or something.