Modern Family s05e04 Episode Script

I remember before we had kids and we could just lie in bed on Saturday.
That's how we got them.
Why did I have to be so sexy? A few months ago, Luke joined a club soccer team and at first we were thrilled.
But then we realised it takes over your whole weekend.
And not in the cool MythBusters marathon way.
Luke sits on the bench a lot.
Which means we sit in the hot sun for like eight hours, just to see him play five minutes.
But what five minutes.
Tell them about last week.
Oh.
Yeah.
Luke stopped a goal with his face.
- Too bad he doesn't remember that.
- Yeah.
What if we sent Luke to the game without us today? - We can't do that.
- Why not? Missing one tournament doesn't make us bad parents.
My mom never went to any of my stuff.
I'm fine.
Why didn't she go to any of your stuff? Because she was an incredibly competitive woman who didn't like to see me do very well at anything, but I think it's pretty clear who won.
I'm working now, you know, and I really need my weekends back to -- to catch up on errands.
I don't know.
It just feels wrong.
Would it feel wrong to use that robot gutter cleaner that's been sitting in the box for the last three weeks? - No, that would feel right -- so right.
- Mm-hmm.
Did I tell you I call it "the gutter done"? You did! I love "gutter done".
It's your sense of humor.
It's so fun.
Okay, stop drilling.
You struck oil.
But only if Luke's a hundred percent cool with it.
Yeah, of course.
I'm on it.
You know, if we're not going, we could stay in bed a little longer.
- No, thank you.
- Okay.
Don't want to have this conversation again in 15 years.
What are you doing with those swatches? She's gonna be here any minute.
I told you to put all this wedding stuff away.
Are these really our top-two choices for color palette? Why are they both white? That's what my friend Keisha asks about you and daddy.
Instead of hiding all this stuff, why don't you just tell Pam we're getting married? I will, when she's ready.
Carefully and preferably in a large, open field.
She's your sister, not The Hulk.
My big sister, Pam, is emotionally fragile and she's still single, so when she finds out I'm getting married before she is -- look out.
She can be meaner than a barn owl at sunset.
Because that's when they wake up? Yep.
That's morning time for a barn owl.
- It's her! - Quick! Hide! It's okay, Lily.
Come on.
Oh, take that bow out of her hair.
I don't want to rub our daughter's adorableness in my barren sister's face.
- There she is! - Hey, Pam! Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Well, the damn airline lost my trunk.
- Now I'm gonna have to make new clothes.
- Oh, no.
Yep.
I need to squeeze something.
- Get over here, Lily.
- I'm good.
Yeah, well, she's shy.
So, Pam, we've got some big news.
Speaking of big news -- you remember that little ugly girl I used to babysit, Britney Horner? - Yeah.
- Well, she got married last summer, and now she's pregnant with twins.
So, if you're keeping track, that's ugly- 2, me- nothing.
What's your news? Um well We're getting a new dryer.
Well, I'm very happy for y'all.
Thank you.
How come I never get a new dryer? Mom, in all the time you've known grandpa, has he ever used the word "fluxions"? That is not an f-word I have heard him use.
He's beating me in "Words with friends.
" How is that even possible? Shouldn't you be playing "Words with friends" with friends? Grandpa is my friend.
Of course he is.
That's not sad.
What? Morning, buddy.
What's with the pillow? It's for soccer.
My neck gets pretty tired watching all those games.
Right.
Yeah, I'll bet.
Say, listen, your dad and I were just talking about you maybe wanting to go to the game without us today.
- Oh.
- But it's totally up to you.
Whatever you want because we love you very much.
Right.
You can either ride with some of your teammates, like the L.
A.
Kings, or you can ride with us, like Gloria and Grandpa take Joe to play-dates.
Professional athlete, little poopy baby -- - your call.
- I'll get a ride with Max.
- Great! - Are you sure it's okay? Yeah, it's fine.
Hey, can I borrow your sleep mask? - You bet.
- Awesome.
Yes! I love that kid.
Can you imagine how easy it would be if it was just him? - Mm.
- I mean I know what you mean.
You call that folded? Where's that military precision? We didn't fold many onesies in the Navy.
I'm back! What did the doctor say? He said my eyes are perfect.
Where was he looking when he said it? Pretty sure Gloria needs glasses.
The last couple of months, she's been struggling.
I'll take this one.
It looks very good.
That's their address, Magoo.
Did he even give you an eye test? He put the spoon in one eye, the spoon in the other eye, the puff puff, the eye drops.
Now who's the Magoo? What the hell language was that? Did you see that fresh coat of nail polish? She never went to the doctor.
- Why would she lie? - She's vain, Manny.
She doesn't want to wear glasses.
Well, she's only hurting herself.
- Okay, I hope you're hungry.
- Starving.
That damn airline ran out of roast beef.
Tried to fast talk me into eating something called "hoo-mus.
" Oh, hummus -- it's actually really delicious.
You would like tha-- uh.
Oh.
- What's this? - Oh, uh, that's an action figure.
It's two grooms.
They melted together in the car on a very, very hot day.
It was 103.
My daddies are getting married.
Your dads are getting married? That can't be right.
That's what my friend Keisha says.
Is this true? Pam, honest to goodness, we were gonna tell you.
Get over here, you! Hey, hey! She's got me.
Well, damn! This is the greatest news I've ever heard! Oh, I am so happy to hear you say that, Pam.
Of course.
Oh! I want my baby brother to be happy.
And as long as we're sharing, I have some news.
You remember Bo Johnson? Oh, my gosh, how could I forget? Oh! He was my first crush.
Please tell me nothing happened to his face.
What did he fall into? He fell into me.
We're engaged! Say what? Bo and I are getting married! That is fantastic! Cam, isn't this great news? Come here, you.
Oh! Yeah.
So great.
Oh! Get in on this! Come on! Thank you for jumping.
I didn't feel guilty for missing Luke's soccer tournament because I had a ton of errands I figured would take me all day to finish.
But for some weird reason, I was flying through my list.
I ended up in every short line.
I made every green light.
It was the ultimate karmic bitch-slap.
Because suddenly I had no more errands, which meant no more excuses, which meant me at that boring soccer tournament.
Hi.
There you are.
Your son is playing so great.
- No, I'm Luke's mom.
- No, I know.
- He's been amazing all day.
- Luke? Oh! Luke? Here, you want one? Uh, no, thanks.
I'm coffee-d out.
- Oh, honey, it's Sangria.
- Well, all right.
Okay, that's it.
Grandpa's cheating.
On Gloria? How could he possibly do better? No, not on Gloria -- on this game.
I've never lost it to anyone.
Keep playing word games with grandpa, and you never will.
Hey, girls! Hey.
What is that thing? What do they call it, or what should they have called it? - Never mind.
- Uh, wait, wait, wait! It's a gutter cleaner.
Ladies, I give you the future.
How many times have you girls seen me fall off this ladder? Now that's gonna happen less.
Looks like your, uh, gutter cleaner is stuck on something.
Not a problem.
This baby detects blockage and then ramps up the power.
That's why I've nicknamed it "The gutter done".
- Stop! - Dad! Sorry, it's such a missed opportunity.
- Aah! - Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! - What? What happened? - It's a bird's nest! - No! - And they're all dead! - Oh, my God! - You killed them! Honey, it wasn't me! It was the robot! It doesn't know! I'm sorry! Mom! Mom! Help! What?! What happened?! - I just ate a handful of this rat poison.
- Why?! I thought it was trail mix.
- Why do I keep it so close together? - I'll call 911! Here, read the box! Tell me what it says to do! Hurry! - It says - I don't have much time! In the - And I'm dead.
- What? You'd rather kill your husband than admit you need glasses.
- Wow, mom.
- It's not poison? Oh, there's rat poison, and I do keep it dangerously close to the trail mix, but this was to point out that your vanity could be fatal.
I knew this was all a trick.
That's why I acted like I couldn't read that box! How many people have to pretend to die, Gloria? It just doesn't make any sense.
- Pam and Bo Johnson? My Bo Johnson? - "My"? Should it bother me that you're this jealous of an old crush? Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Bo is straight.
He'd probably never go for me.
Oh, my gosh, it is Bo! Look, he's hotter than ever.
- I'm gonna answer it.
- No, you can't.
Yes, I can.
We're practically family.
Hey, dude.
It's Cam.
Where? Been good -- been real, real good.
So, you and Pam, huh? Hey, better be good to my old sis, or I'll have to wrestle you down.
Hey, question -- do you still have that friendship bracelet that I made for you? Oh, okay.
Yeah, okay, if you're busy, I'll have Pam call you back.
Hey, and, Bo, congratulations.
You too.
- Can you believe it? - Oh, and we're gay again.
It just doesn't make sense.
I mean, he's got to be after our drilling rights.
I knew it.
This is why I didn't want to tell you.
I knew you couldn't stand the thought of me landing the man of your dreams! "Dreams" is strong.
Believe it or not, Bo and I are in love.
He thinks I'm beautiful, and he's right.
And for the record, Bo has twice the land we do.
He has absolutely no interest in my drilling rights! - Not that kind, at least.
- Okay, let's just relax.
Hey, hey, come on, Pam, do you want to pick me up again? - They warned me, you know.
- Who warned you? The whole family said you wouldn't take it well.
Ever since you moved to the city 'cause you couldn't hack it on the farm.
- "Couldn't hack it"? - Yeah, that's right.
Everyone knows, Cam, you're not farm strong.
You take that back, Pameron Jessica Tucker! I will not! You are weak and weepy.
That's why we can't ever say anything to you 'cause we know you'll crumble into a big heaping mess! Oh, are you saying I'm the one people have to step around -- that I'm the Pam of the family? You mean the Cam of the family?! - 'Cause that's what we all call it! - Okay, that's enough! That's enough! That's enough! - You know what? - Well, I was Gammy's favorite! - That's enough! - Really? - Yeah! - Come on! Enough! No! Seriously -- Pameron? Oh! Way to go, Luke! The kid's amazing.
Amazing.
So great.
Right? Hello? - Claire? - Phil? Oh, hi honey, I was -- I was just about to call you.
I killed a bunch of baby birds.
- What? - My robot wiped out the nest.
And now the mom's just staring at me.
They recognize faces, you know.
I saw it in a documentary.
Sweetie, I'm sure it was just an accident.
None of this would have happened if we'd just gone to Luke's game.
- We're terrible parents for not going.
- No.
No.
Was that a whistle? Where are you? Um, I-I'm just walking by a construction site.
Pervs! Sorry.
Sorry.
Not you.
I hope Luke's not mad at us.
No, he's fine, honey.
Or he's not.
He -- he could be mad.
We don't know.
We won't -- we won't know.
I'll -- I'll be home soon, though.
I love you.
Okay, bye-bye.
Thank you.
It was great.
Hey, Luke, Luke, Luke.
Don't tell your dad I was here, all right? Great game.
Claire? Claire? - Mwah! - Say good night to daddy.
- Mwah! - Good night, my boy.
Hey Grandpa, great word you played earlier today.
What does "syzygy" even mean? It means 45 points.
Ha! Hey, everybody, you remember my sister, Pam.
Oh, hi, Pam.
She's here to pay a visit and cast aspersions.
- Oh, grow up.
- You grow up.
Real good one.
Hi, y'all.
I brought boar.
Oh.
Well, let me give you a hand with that.
Cam, look, I know you're upset, but please just try and let it go tonight.
Well, can you believe she said I'm the emotionally fragile one? I mean, how crazy is that? - Boy.
- "Boy"? Is that your thinly veiled - way of saying you agree with her? - Pfft.
Okay, you know what? If I was fragile, I would care, but I'm not, so I don't.
- Good.
- Good.
And you know what? That shirt washes you out, so don't be shocked when someone mistakes you for a beige candle.
Hey, everyone.
- Hi, Luke.
- Hey, buddy.
I'm so sorry I missed your game.
We are both so sorry we missed your game.
The universe punished me.
I did something awful to a bunch of baby crows.
Actually, it's not a bunch of crows.
It's called a murder.
I know what I did! - How was your game? - Fine.
Nothing special.
What do you mean, "fine, nothing special"? Well, there was this girl on the sixteen-year-old team who wasn't wearing a bra.
- So that was cool.
- Huh.
But Josh's mom texted me.
She said you were having a great game.
She drinks.
I-I'll be right back.
- Hey, Phil.
- Hey, Pam.
Oh.
Sorry.
It's my parents again.
I'm getting married soon, and they're already acting like they have 'empty-nest-syndrome'.
I appreciate you not saying anything to your dad about me being there, but why aren't you telling him what a great game you played? I can tell he feels bad enough for missing it.
I don't want to make him feel worse.
I screwed up.
Why? What's wrong? I talked Phil into skipping Luke's game, and then I went, and, of course, he played the game of his life.
But Luke doesn't want to tell Phil about the game now because he doesn't want to hurt his feelings.
Oh, well, I think it's sweet that Luke's protecting Phil.
You know, we all have to protect my sister in my family because she's such a disaster.
- Mm.
- I mean, you can see it, right? I think it was a little weird she brought pig to a party.
Hey! I can say it.
Hey, hon.
I'm sorry about what I did before.
I saw this, and I thought it would look beautiful on you.
You know I can't stay mad at you when you buy me glasses, you son of a bitch! Just try 'em on.
You'll still look gorgeous.
I will try them on when you'll buy hearing aid! What? There's nothing wrong with my hearing.
Um, I have a, uh, hearing-test app on my phone.
Let's do it! - You do it! - Okay.
Everybody under the age of sixty should be able to hear this.
- Yes.
Heard that.
- Yeah, definitely.
What? You're lying.
You didn't hear anything.
We did! You see, you're deaf! Okay, seventy.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yes.
Oh, what is th-- did she put you up to this? Here, Grandpa.
I'll play you something even louder.
Okay, I heard that one.
I didn't press anything.
Oh, look who's a cheater.
Don't worry about it, big guy.
I have trouble smelling lemons.
You know, I don't need any of this.
But I'll tell you what I can hear loud and clear.
The sound of you all munching free food.
Oh, come on, dad, aren't you being a little oversensitive? Oh, well, we can consult my sister, Pam.
- She's the self-appointed sensitivity expert.
- Uh-oh.
- Oh, let it go.
- I will not let it go.
In fact, I would like everyone to be honest with me, please, right now.
No sugar-coating.
My sister here seems to think you all -have to walk on eggshells around me.
- Eggshells.
Do you all think I'm so fragile you can't tell me things for fear of how I will react? - Well -- - Claire, don't.
Zip.
Bup-bup-bup.
No, let her talk, please.
Claire, you have the floor.
W-well, you're not not fragile.
Okay, well, why don't you give me an example of something you haven't told me because you were worried I couldn't handle it? Go on.
All right.
Last week when we were supposed to have lunch - and you cancelled - Mmm-hmm.
Beyonce was at the restaurant.
Okay.
The singer or Pepper's dog? The singer.
And when I was leaving, I-I-I stopped and I said hello to her and we chatted for like 10 minutes.
Okay, that's great.
I'm glad you had that experience? I mean, I don't know what you talked to her about, seeing that you don't know any of her songs other than "Single ladies," which everyone knows.
- I love that song.
- I'm surprised you can hear it.
Well, this was fun.
Who's hungry? Hey, where's that boar? Okay, anyone else? Well, since we're coming clean, you overuse the word "divine.
" It's just an ice-cream sandwich.
You're the boy who cried "divine.
" Okay.
Was not aware of that.
- Duly noted.
- Hey, I got one.
Remember that blue rotary phone you gave me for Christmas? - Yes.
- I tossed it.
Okay.
May I ask the reason? It made me feel like Ann-Margret in "Bye Bye Birdie.
" - Why?! - Okay, anyone else? I don't really like the - shirts with the crazy cuffs.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Can you push your boobs down? Because I couldn't hear you.
- Here we go.
- No, no, here we don't go.
This is fine.
I'm fine, okay? Sometimes when you read to me, I pretend to fall asleep so you'll go.
I heard that one.
Well, I heard you all loud and clear.
I have to use the restroom.
So, Cam, you're sensitive.
Big deal.
It's one of your best qualities.
Thank you Phil.
And I'm sorry your Beyonce-loving wife went to Luke's game without you.
See? Farm strong! You went to Luke's game? I did, Phil, and I am so sorry.
I did not mean to.
But then he started playing the most amazing game, and I got so wrapped up in it.
I know I should have called.
Yeah, you should've called.
- You were amazing? - Oh, he was incredible.
I wish you'd been there.
Then why'd you make me skip it?! I knew you had it in you! Oh, coach said he's gonna start next week.
You're starting? I'm so mad at you! I'm so proud of you! - Hey, how are you doing in here? - Fine.
I'm a little embarrassed about my outburst, but otherwise You had a lot to take in.
As a lawyer, I should've told you, never ask questions you don't want the answer to.
Am I really that much of a mess? Are you not listening to me? - Hey.
Room in here for me? - Not really.
Look, I'm real sorry I said what I said.
No, no, you're right.
I am the Cam of the family.
Apparently, I'm the Cam of two families, so So what if you go a little cuckoo when you get bad news? You also go all cuckoo when you hear good news.
It's one of the things I love most about you.
No, that's -- that's true.
You're the -- you're the first person I call when I have good news.
I mean, remember when I got my adult braces removed? Your teeth look divi-- divine.
See? I can't help it.
I'm a celebrator.
Of course you are.
And I should have celebrated how lucky Bo is to land a great gal like you.
Look at me.
I'm crying like a Cam.
Sorry, old habits.
- Are you mad because I embarrassed you? - Forget about it.
And I'm gonna ease up on the glasses, too.
It's just that I worry, you know, you're not seeing everything.
I'm getting old, Jay.
When Manny was little, I used to run around with him all day without getting tired.
Today at Joe's baby class, a six-year-old had to pull me out of the ball pit.
Hold on.
Manny used to run around? All the mothers are so young and perky.
I hate being the oldest one there.
Well, I for one love that you're getting older.
It makes me feel closer to you.
So you'll like it if I get all wrinkly and saggy? Well, I wouldn't make it a goal.
Okay, I'll wear them.
What? Nothing.
You have lines there.
I can see them very clearly now with these -- Okay, okay, these are just for reading.
I won't be able to hear her.
She won't be able to see me.
We'll be together forever.
Congratulations.
You officially beat me in "Words with friends.
" Better luck next time, kid.
Okay, I have to ask -- did you cheat? Is that how you won? I never took you for a sore loser.
That's not an answer.
Listen, one day you might be the smartest person in this family, but today is not that day.
So tread lightly before you assiduously malign the veracity of my etymological prowess.
Jay Pritchett out.
You broke your phone, smarty-pants.
Damn it!