Queer as Folk s05e04 Episode Script

SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! # SONG: # One, two, three, four, five, six, take it down! # UPBEAT POP MUSIC UPBEAT POP MUSIC # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin # Cue the pulse to begin.
# # Cue the pulse to begin.
# 'PERSONAL JESUS' BY MARILYN MANSON 'PERSONAL JESUS' BY MARILYN MANSON I know, everybody says Tuscany, but the Amalfi coast I know, everybody says Tuscany, but the Amalfi coast Positano.
Ravello.
Oh, my God.
Positano.
Ravello.
Oh, my God.
The most beautiful place I've ever seen.
The most beautiful place I've ever seen.
Not to mention the men.
No, let's mention the men.
Not to mention the men.
No, let's mention the men.
Is there any Italian with less than an eight-inch cock? Is there any Italian with less than an eight-inch cock? How long have you guys been together? How long have you guys been together? Four years.
Four weeks.
Four years.
Four weeks.
You guys got to get your story straight.
You guys got to get your story straight.
It's complicated.
Obviously.
It's complicated.
Obviously.
What about you? Going on 10 years.
What about you? Going on 10 years.
Shit! That's amazing.
Shit! That's amazing.
How do you do it? I'm not sure I want to hear this.
How do you do it? I'm not sure I want to hear this.
Communication.
Communication.
Honesty.
Respect.
Honesty.
Respect.
And a lot of fucking around.
And a lot of fucking around.
The couple that plays together stays together.
The couple that plays together stays together.
That's what I've always said.
That's what I've always said.
Nothing will kill a marriage faster than monogamy.
Nothing will kill a marriage faster than monogamy.
Yeah, tried that for about six months.
Yeah, tried that for about six months.
Nearly split us up.
He started lying, sneaking around.
Nearly split us up.
He started lying, sneaking around.
He caught me fucking a neighbour.
He caught me fucking a neighbour.
When I started kicking him out, I thought, "This guy's hot.
" When I started kicking him out, I thought, "This guy's hot.
" So I joined them.
Solved all of our problems.
So I joined them.
Solved all of our problems.
In these sorry times with faggots hurling themselves like lemmings In these sorry times with faggots hurling themselves like lemmings into the sea of matrimony, into the sea of matrimony, it's refreshing to find a couple who are hung but not hung up.
it's refreshing to find a couple who are hung but not hung up.
So how about we hook up again? So how about we hook up again? We have a strict rule not to see anyone twice.
We have a strict rule not to see anyone twice.
But since there are two of you But since there are two of you DOOR SLAMS DOOR SLAMS INTRO TO OLD ROCK'N'ROLL SONG INTRO TO OLD ROCK'N'ROLL SONG OK, I am a lowly writer-professor, for Christ's sakes, OK, I am a lowly writer-professor, for Christ's sakes, not an MIT graduate.
not an MIT graduate.
You need an advanced degree to put this fucking crib together.
You need an advanced degree to put this fucking crib together.
You're going to have to watch that potty mouth of yours You're going to have to watch that potty mouth of yours once JR arrives.
once JR arrives.
It's official.
It's official.
According to the State of Pennsylvania, According to the State of Pennsylvania, I now have one-third custody of my daughter.
I now have one-third custody of my daughter.
Oh, congratulations.
Oh, congratulations.
Could have had more if Brian hadn't stuck his nose in.
Could have had more if Brian hadn't stuck his nose in.
Hey, hey, it's not his fault.
Hey, hey, it's not his fault.
He's the one who convinced Lindsay to fight for custody.
He's the one who convinced Lindsay to fight for custody.
Paid for her goddamn lawyer.
Paid for her goddamn lawyer.
Well, she's JR's mother too.
It's only fair.
Well, she's JR's mother too.
It's only fair.
I suppose.
I suppose.
So now I get to split a baby three ways.
So now I get to split a baby three ways.
You know, as long as she's loved and cared for, You know, as long as she's loved and cared for, I'm sure it'll all work out.
I'm sure it'll all work out.
Would you help me put this thing together Would you help me put this thing together before I lose my fucking? before I lose my fucking? Yes, before I lose my mind.
Yes, before I lose my mind.
Your eggs are up.
Your eggs are up.
Wheat or rye? Better be rye.
Wheat or rye? Better be rye.
Uh, rye dry.
Rye dry.
Uh, rye dry.
Rye dry.
Sweetheart.
Yeah, hon.
Sweetheart.
Yeah, hon.
Will you sit down? Please? Will you sit down? Please? Stop waiting on me like I was in the diner.
Stop waiting on me like I was in the diner.
Guess old habits die hard.
Guess old habits die hard.
You wanted bacon, extra crispy.
You wanted bacon, extra crispy.
If you don't stop (Laughs) If you don't stop (Laughs) .
.
I'm not leaving you a tip.
.
.
I'm not leaving you a tip.
Oh, and I was counting on a big one tonight.
Oh, and I was counting on a big one tonight.
Honey, you're getting more than just the tip.
Honey, you're getting more than just the tip.
(Laughs) Why, Carl Horvath.
(Laughs) Why, Carl Horvath.
The more I'm around you, the more I can't keep my hands off you.
The more I'm around you, the more I can't keep my hands off you.
You're not bored, are you? You're not bored, are you? Fucking our brains out?! Fucking our brains out?! No, not working.
No, not working.
Are you kidding? I don't know why I waited so long.
Are you kidding? I don't know why I waited so long.
I finally have my life all to myself.
I finally have my life all to myself.
So what's on our lady of leisure's agenda for today? So what's on our lady of leisure's agenda for today? Oh, a matinee, Pinter play, perhaps a piece of Mahler.
Oh, a matinee, Pinter play, perhaps a piece of Mahler.
Piece of what? Piece of what? Thank God hanging around Liberty Avenue Thank God hanging around Liberty Avenue made you a sex maniac and not a show-tune queen.
made you a sex maniac and not a show-tune queen.
Um, I'm going to go buy some pyjamas.
Um, I'm going to go buy some pyjamas.
All of mine seem to be disappearing.
All of mine seem to be disappearing.
It's because I took 'em.
I should have known! It's because I took 'em.
I should have known! It was too good to be true.
A cross-dresser.
It was too good to be true.
A cross-dresser.
You're sexier without them.
You're sexier without them.
You know what this is, don't you? It is grand theft pyjamas.
You know what this is, don't you? It is grand theft pyjamas.
I could have you arrested.
I could have you arrested.
But I'd prefer to have you work it off.
But I'd prefer to have you work it off.
Morning, Brian.
Got those files we talked about.
Morning, Brian.
Got those files we talked about.
Berber account.
Greenwalds account.
And payroll.
Berber account.
Greenwalds account.
And payroll.
I was up till, oh, one in the morning, I was up till, oh, one in the morning, but I got everything all signed and sealed.
but I got everything all signed and sealed.
I think there's really nothing left to do for the next few days.
I think there's really nothing left to do for the next few days.
I'm kind of free as a bird.
Ha-ha.
I'm kind of free as a bird.
Ha-ha.
Listen, I need to take a little time off.
Listen, I need to take a little time off.
Vacation? Nah.
Vacation? Nah.
Sabbatical? Sabbatical? Drug binge.
A small medical procedure.
Drug binge.
A small medical procedure.
Finally getting that penile enlargement? Finally getting that penile enlargement? (Laughs) (Laughs) When are you leaving? Tomorrow.
When are you leaving? Tomorrow.
I know.
It's short notice.
I know.
It's short notice.
But they had a cancellation, they said they could fit me in.
But they had a cancellation, they said they could fit me in.
But look, I'll be back in a week, 10 days, tops.
But look, I'll be back in a week, 10 days, tops.
So what are you having done? So what are you having done? Oh, what makes you think I'm having anything done? Oh, what makes you think I'm having anything done? Um, the endless hours you spend pulling your face back, Um, the endless hours you spend pulling your face back, smoothing your stomach.
smoothing your stomach.
Spill.
Spill.
Oh, you know.
Nothing major.
Oh, you know.
Nothing major.
Browlift, blepharoplasty on my upper and lower eyelids, Browlift, blepharoplasty on my upper and lower eyelids, precision contour liposuction on my gut.
precision contour liposuction on my gut.
What price beauty? (Scoffs) It ain't cheap.
What price beauty? (Scoffs) It ain't cheap.
However, they are sucking my chin out for free.
However, they are sucking my chin out for free.
Oh! (Sniggers) Oh! (Sniggers) The way gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty - The way gay men are obsessed with youth and beauty - an entire subculture an entire subculture convinced that the meaning of happiness is no love handles.
convinced that the meaning of happiness is no love handles.
How pathetic.
How tragic.
How profitable.
How pathetic.
How tragic.
How profitable.
(Sighs) Go ahead.
Mock my endeavours at self-improvement.
(Sighs) Go ahead.
Mock my endeavours at self-improvement.
But you know, not all of us are as lucky as you.
But you know, not all of us are as lucky as you.
We all can't be Brian Kinney.
We all can't be Brian Kinney.
The rest of us poor slobs, The rest of us poor slobs, we have to work twice as hard to look half as good.
we have to work twice as hard to look half as good.
I'm sorry, Theodore.
I don't mean to impugn your noble efforts.
I'm sorry, Theodore.
I don't mean to impugn your noble efforts.
I just think you're making a big mistake I just think you're making a big mistake .
.
not getting that penile enlargement.
.
.
not getting that penile enlargement.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Oh! She's so adorable.
Oh! She's so adorable.
Can I take her home? Sure, why not? Can I take her home? Sure, why not? Everybody else is.
Everybody else is.
DOOR SLAMS DOOR SLAMS I didn't know you had a guest.
I didn't know you had a guest.
Justin's not a guest.
Justin's not a guest.
Didn't we agree you're going to ring the bell, not just pop in? Didn't we agree you're going to ring the bell, not just pop in? Hey, Lindsay.
Mmm.
Hello, Justin.
Hey, Lindsay.
Mmm.
Hello, Justin.
I haven't seen you since you've been back from L.
A.
I haven't seen you since you've been back from L.
A.
I know.
I know.
I was planning on calling but I don't have your new number.
I was planning on calling but I don't have your new number.
I'm sure Brian could have given it to you.
I'm sure Brian could have given it to you.
Um, so how's Gus? Um, so how's Gus? Gus is doing great.
He's growing as we speak.
He's even started to read.
Gus is doing great.
He's growing as we speak.
He's even started to read.
Oh.
You go away for a few months and everything changes.
Oh.
You go away for a few months and everything changes.
No shit.
No shit.
I have fallen hopelessly in love with your daughter.
I have fallen hopelessly in love with your daughter.
She's pretty irresistible.
Yeah.
She's pretty irresistible.
Yeah.
I found this fleece lately for the baby.
I found this fleece lately for the baby.
It's starting to get chilly.
Tell me about it.
It's starting to get chilly.
Tell me about it.
I got three, one for you, one for me and one for when she's with Michael.
I got three, one for you, one for me and one for when she's with Michael.
You have to remind me? You have to remind me? We all have to make sure she's taken care of.
We all have to make sure she's taken care of.
You've seen to that.
You've seen to that.
Thanks to you, I have to hand my daughter over to some stranger.
Thanks to you, I have to hand my daughter over to some stranger.
Michael's hardly a stranger.
He might as well be.
Michael's hardly a stranger.
He might as well be.
What does he know about taking care of an infant? What does he know about taking care of an infant? She should be with me She should be with me instead of being tossed around like a fucking football.
instead of being tossed around like a fucking football.
Maybe I'd better go.
No.
Maybe I'd better go.
No.
We're going to have tea, goddamn it.
I'll get it.
We're going to have tea, goddamn it.
I'll get it.
You don't live here anymore, remember? You don't live here anymore, remember? Of course.
How could I forget? Of course.
How could I forget? If you'd listened to me and done what I said, If you'd listened to me and done what I said, we wouldn't be playing this game of "Baby, baby, who's got the baby?" we wouldn't be playing this game of "Baby, baby, who's got the baby?" That's what's killing you, isn't it? That's what's killing you, isn't it? It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement.
It has nothing to do with the baby or the custody agreement.
It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, It has to do with you, Melanie Marcus, not getting her way, not having complete control over everything.
not getting her way, not having complete control over everything.
Well, tough shit, you don't.
Well, tough shit, you don't.
So get used to it.
KETTLE WHISTLES So get used to it.
KETTLE WHISTLES Um, I'll get the tea.
Um, I'll get the tea.
(Grunts repeatedly) (Grunts repeatedly) Come on.
Pull.
Come on.
Pull.
Finish it off.
Finish it off.
How'd I do? How'd I do? Two 10ths of a second off your personal best.
Two 10ths of a second off your personal best.
Fucking A! It's because I'm nailing those flip turns.
Fucking A! It's because I'm nailing those flip turns.
Bet you 10 bucks you'll place.
Bet you 10 bucks you'll place.
Think so? Know so.
Think so? Know so.
Alright, everybody, let's gather up, let's go.
Alright, everybody, let's gather up, let's go.
Good practice.
Very good.
Good practice.
Very good.
You swim this hard in two days You swim this hard in two days and we'll hold our heads high at the meet.
and we'll hold our heads high at the meet.
Now go get a good meal, get some sleep Now go get a good meal, get some sleep and don't strain anything.
and don't strain anything.
Are you winners? ALL: Yeah! Are you winners? ALL: Yeah! I asked you, are you winners? (All shout) Yeah! I asked you, are you winners? (All shout) Yeah! That's more like it.
And put away the toys before you scrub down.
That's more like it.
And put away the toys before you scrub down.
Yeah, I got to say at first I had my doubts, Yeah, I got to say at first I had my doubts, but Hunter's coming through gang busters.
but Hunter's coming through gang busters.
I always knew he could do it.
I always knew he could do it.
He just needed some incentive, some supportfriends.
He just needed some incentive, some supportfriends.
And having a parent that's willing to take the time to work with him.
And having a parent that's willing to take the time to work with him.
Hmm, thanks.
Appreciate it, Coach.
I'll see you at the meet.
Hmm, thanks.
Appreciate it, Coach.
I'll see you at the meet.
(Boys tease) Yeah? Nice try.
I'll get you.
(Boys tease) Yeah? Nice try.
I'll get you.
Right, yeah, right.
Next time.
Cool, man.
Right, yeah, right.
Next time.
Cool, man.
Good swim.
Yeah, thanks.
You too.
Good swim.
Yeah, thanks.
You too.
Yo, Hunt, you coming? Yeah.
Yo, Hunt, you coming? Yeah.
BOY: Hey, Hunter, we're going.
Wait up.
BOY: Hey, Hunter, we're going.
Wait up.
GIRL: Callie GIRL: Callie Look, I know you think my getting a little work done Look, I know you think my getting a little work done is a frivolous expense, a foolish exercise in vanity.
is a frivolous expense, a foolish exercise in vanity.
However However I just had the most fabulous idea for my next segment.
I just had the most fabulous idea for my next segment.
A queer guy follows you through your entire surgery, A queer guy follows you through your entire surgery, every little snip and clip.
every little snip and clip.
Then I bring you on my show for the big reveal.
Then I bring you on my show for the big reveal.
Or I go with my avocado night repair mask as planned.
Or I go with my avocado night repair mask as planned.
Stick with the guacamole.
Stick with the guacamole.
But promise me, no matter how I come out, you'll still love me.
But promise me, no matter how I come out, you'll still love me.
Honey, I never loved you for your looks to begin with.
Honey, I never loved you for your looks to begin with.
Not that there's a damn thing wrong with them.
Not that there's a damn thing wrong with them.
But if this is what you want to do, then I'm behind you.
But if this is what you want to do, then I'm behind you.
And did I mention I'm getting that done too? And did I mention I'm getting that done too? Make room, boys.
Oh, hello, Debbie.
Make room, boys.
Oh, hello, Debbie.
You've come home, huh? Yeah, just like a boomerang.
You've come home, huh? Yeah, just like a boomerang.
Or Lassie.
Or Lassie.
Just like Norma Desmond making her comeback.
Just like Norma Desmond making her comeback.
I believe it was 'return'.
I believe it was 'return'.
I was just passing by, so I thought I was just passing by, so I thought I'd poke my head in, see how things are going.
I'd poke my head in, see how things are going.
Oh, things are going great.
Oh, things are going great.
Yeah? Yeah? I mean, it sure isn't the same without you.
I mean, it sure isn't the same without you.
Oh Um, what about you? Oh Um, what about you? Well, since I've stopped working, Well, since I've stopped working, Carl and I are getting plenty of exercise, if you get my drift.
Carl and I are getting plenty of exercise, if you get my drift.
Yeah.
It drifts all the way to my room.
Yeah.
It drifts all the way to my room.
Ha! So I bought myself a new warm-up suit.
Ha! So I bought myself a new warm-up suit.
Yeah, that'll warm him up alright.
Yeah, that'll warm him up alright.
Dear God, it's like a glory hole for straights.
Dear God, it's like a glory hole for straights.
(Laughs) (Laughs) OK, here you go, boys.
OK, here you go, boys.
Hey, Deb, when did you get here? Hey, Deb, when did you get here? Iuh, a couple of minutes ago.
Iuh, a couple of minutes ago.
Hi, Loretta.
I just stopped by to see how Hi, Loretta.
I just stopped by to see how Just hold that thought for one second.
Just hold that thought for one second.
Spinach salad, dressing on the side for the Queer Guy.
Spinach salad, dressing on the side for the Queer Guy.
Chilli cheese fries and a vanilla shake for the teddy bear.
Chilli cheese fries and a vanilla shake for the teddy bear.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.
Are you sure you should be eating all that? Are you sure you should be eating all that? Hey, what goes in today gets sucked out tomorrow.
Hey, what goes in today gets sucked out tomorrow.
Whew! I'm sorry, Deb.
What were you saying? Whew! I'm sorry, Deb.
What were you saying? Yeah, I was just asking, you know, how things were going.
Yeah, I was just asking, you know, how things were going.
Hey, Loretta, you got any Equal? Hey, Loretta, you got any Equal? Yeah.
Wonder Woman.
Yeah.
Wonder Woman.
(All laugh) (All laugh) I'm doing fucking great.
She's doing fucking great.
I'm doing fucking great.
She's doing fucking great.
In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was you.
In fact, if I didn't know any better, I'd swear it was you.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah, me too.
So what can I get you? So what can I get you? Pink plate special today is codfish balls.
Pink plate special today is codfish balls.
What they do with the rest of the codfish? What they do with the rest of the codfish? (All laugh) (All laugh) Um, I'll have a bowl of pea soup and please don't tell me the Um, I'll have a bowl of pea soup and please don't tell me the Pea pissed in it.
Pea pissed in it.
Hey, Lo.
Where's my tuna wrap? Hey, Lo.
Where's my tuna wrap? (Shouts) Any guy eating tuna here is in the wrong joint.
(Shouts) Any guy eating tuna here is in the wrong joint.
I'll bring you chicken noodle.
I'll bring you chicken noodle.
(Laughs) (Chuckles) (Laughs) (Chuckles) She's a hoot, isn't she? She's a hoot, isn't she? Ha.
Yeah.
Ha.
Yeah.
Hoot and a half.
Hoot and a half.
So? How was rehearsal? So? How was rehearsal? Oh, it's called 'practice'.
Right.
Oh, it's called 'practice'.
Right.
I kept my kick down.
And his head up.
I kept my kick down.
And his head up.
And I beat my best time by two 10ths of a second.
And I beat my best time by two 10ths of a second.
That's awesome, dude, right on.
That's awesome, dude, right on.
I can't wait to come to the performance.
I can't wait to come to the performance.
I'll be in the front row centre.
It's a 'meet'.
I'll be in the front row centre.
It's a 'meet'.
And they're called 'bleachers'.
And they're called 'bleachers'.
Hey, up till now, all I knew about swimming Hey, up till now, all I knew about swimming was from watching Esther Williams films with Ma.
was from watching Esther Williams films with Ma.
You ever see the one where she rises out of the water You ever see the one where she rises out of the water with the sparklers coming out of her head? with the sparklers coming out of her head? Hey, boys.
Hey, Brian.
Hey, boys.
Hey, Brian.
Come on, pal, let's go carb up.
Come on, pal, let's go carb up.
(Mouths) (Mouths) Do you mind if I put this up? Do you mind if I put this up? "Hard Heroes Night"? "Hard Heroes Night"? Every superhero fantasy you ever had, come true.
Every superhero fantasy you ever had, come true.
Well, in that case I'm not sure it's appropriate for my younger clientele.
Well, in that case I'm not sure it's appropriate for my younger clientele.
Well, if your younger clientele's Well, if your younger clientele's drooling over those bulging biceps and bountiful baskets drooling over those bulging biceps and bountiful baskets the way you did, the way you did, they're going to grow up to be fags anyway.
they're going to grow up to be fags anyway.
So what's the difference? So what's the difference? Yeah, OK.
Yeah, OK.
I expect you to be there.
Don't think so.
I expect you to be there.
Don't think so.
What with work and fixing up the house, What with work and fixing up the house, these days we get to bed pretty early.
these days we get to bed pretty early.
Superheroes, Mikey.
Superheroes, Mikey.
Superman on Superman action.
Superman on Superman action.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll make you a deal.
I'll come check out your new place if you come check out ours.
I'll come check out your new place if you come check out ours.
Just like when we showed each other our dicks.
Just like when we showed each other our dicks.
Deal.
Deal.
Ben and I are having our new neighbours over for dinner tomorrow.
Ben and I are having our new neighbours over for dinner tomorrow.
Why don't you and Justin join us? Why don't you and Justin join us? Fabulous.
Fabulous.
I'll bring a bottle.
I'll bring a bottle.
Red would be nice.
I meant poppers.
Red would be nice.
I meant poppers.
(Opens door) (Opens door) LINDSAY: Interesting.
Not bad.
LINDSAY: Interesting.
Not bad.
(Laughs) (Laughs) This one's intriguing.
This one's intriguing.
I've always responded to the raw, unfinished quality of your work.
I've always responded to the raw, unfinished quality of your work.
Is that a compliment or are you letting me down easy? Is that a compliment or are you letting me down easy? Well, are you asking me Well, are you asking me would I consider you for the Emerging Artists show? would I consider you for the Emerging Artists show? The answer is yes.
The answer is yes.
Oh.
Thanks, Linz.
Oh.
Thanks, Linz.
But I don't want to take advantage of our friendship.
But I don't want to take advantage of our friendship.
I don't consider it being taken advantage of, I don't consider it being taken advantage of, provided the work is good provided the work is good .
.
and that we're still friends.
.
.
and that we're still friends.
Why wouldn't we be? Why wouldn't we be? Oftentimes, when couples break up, Oftentimes, when couples break up, friends gravitate towards one person or the other.
friends gravitate towards one person or the other.
So I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if you decided to gravitate towards Mel.
So I wouldn't be surprised or hurt if you decided to gravitate towards Mel.
Well Well Actually, I would.
Actually, I would.
I could never do that.
I could never do that.
You have always beenMel and Linz.
You have always beenMel and Linz.
From the very beginning when I first met Brian, From the very beginning when I first met Brian, you two were there for me.
you two were there for me.
A shoulder to cry on, a couch to sleep on.
A shoulder to cry on, a couch to sleep on.
I could never take sides.
I could never take sides.
I love you both.
I love you both.
Well, there's one thing Mel and I still agree on.
Well, there's one thing Mel and I still agree on.
It's that we feel the same way about you.
It's that we feel the same way about you.
I'm just sorry you had to witness our performance.
I'm just sorry you had to witness our performance.
Oh, please.
Oh, please.
Brian and I have had a couple of Academy Award winners ourselves.
Brian and I have had a couple of Academy Award winners ourselves.
So is there any chance you and Mel might? So is there any chance you and Mel might? Get back together? Get back together? I was hoping at first we could, I was hoping at first we could, that we'd make up and all would be forgiven.
that we'd make up and all would be forgiven.
But now But now .
.
I guess you would call that magical thinking.
.
.
I guess you would call that magical thinking.
Well, you never know.
Well, you never know.
Well, I think we should definitely consider this one.
Well, I think we should definitely consider this one.
The exuberance, the optimism.
The exuberance, the optimism.
MAN ON TV: You're getting an 8.
5-, a 10- and 13-inch skillet.
MAN ON TV: You're getting an 8.
5-, a 10- and 13-inch skillet.
Plus you're getting a weighted press that allows you to Plus you're getting a weighted press that allows you to I'm off to make sure I'm off to make sure the Schneigels are still alive for their 60th anniversary party the Schneigels are still alive for their 60th anniversary party then to the studio for 'Queer Guy'.
then to the studio for 'Queer Guy'.
Don't forget to watch.
Don't forget to watch.
I'm warming up the set.
I'm warming up the set.
Look at you, lounging in a caftan in the middle of the afternoon, Look at you, lounging in a caftan in the middle of the afternoon, instead of walking off your tired feet at the diner.
instead of walking off your tired feet at the diner.
It's the dream of a lifetime.
It's the dream of a lifetime.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Yeah, I'm here.
I want the griddle.
Yeah, I'm here.
I want the griddle.
And that last item, the olive pitter.
And that last item, the olive pitter.
And I want the citrus slicer and the nut chopper And I want the citrus slicer and the nut chopper and throw in the Dutch oven and the cheese grater.
and throw in the Dutch oven and the cheese grater.
Why, that all took you less than 15 seconds.
Why, that all took you less than 15 seconds.
Must be a new record.
Must be a new record.
So, what's wrong? So, what's wrong? Why should anything be wrong? Why should anything be wrong? Like you said, look at me.
I'm the happiest woman in the world.
Like you said, look at me.
I'm the happiest woman in the world.
I've got endless hours at my disposal.
I've got endless hours at my disposal.
I can eat all the fucking ice-cream I want.
I can eat all the fucking ice-cream I want.
I can order to my heart's content on QVC.
I can order to my heart's content on QVC.
I almost ordered a llama.
I almost ordered a llama.
So why should anything be wrong? So why should anything be wrong? Except that (Slams table) Except that (Slams table) .
.
bitch stole my act.
.
.
bitch stole my act.
Which bitch? Which bitch? Which bitch do you think? That Pye person.
Which bitch do you think? That Pye person.
She was so innocent at first.
She was so innocent at first.
"I don't know how to do anything.
I don't have any experience.
" "I don't know how to do anything.
I don't have any experience.
" Man.
She hustled me.
She hustled me good.
Man.
She hustled me.
She hustled me good.
And I fell for it! And I fell for it! Now she's wearing my T-shirts and my vest with my buttons.
Now she's wearing my T-shirts and my vest with my buttons.
Should have her arrested for identity theft.
Should have her arrested for identity theft.
You know, I think you're just having withdrawal symptoms.
You know, I think you're just having withdrawal symptoms.
(Tuts) That's all.
(Tuts) That's all.
Remember, you wanted to leave.
It was your decision.
Remember, you wanted to leave.
It was your decision.
You know, as for Loretta, she's just carrying on your legacy, You know, as for Loretta, she's just carrying on your legacy, keeping the tradition alive.
keeping the tradition alive.
If it were me, I'd consider it the highest form of flattery.
If it were me, I'd consider it the highest form of flattery.
Or the lowest form of imitation.
Or the lowest form of imitation.
Don't be angry, be proud.
Don't be angry, be proud.
Pass on the mantle, with "dignity - always dignity".
Pass on the mantle, with "dignity - always dignity".
And don't order a llama.
I'm allergic.
And don't order a llama.
I'm allergic.
"Dignity.
Always dignity.
" "Dignity.
Always dignity.
" (Presses button) (Presses button) It's amazing.
It's amazing.
That I've been soaping your crack for the past 10 minutes That I've been soaping your crack for the past 10 minutes and you haven't asked me to fuck you? and you haven't asked me to fuck you? That you and I would be together and Melanie and Lindsay would be apart.
That you and I would be together and Melanie and Lindsay would be apart.
Well, who knows what wonders the Fates have in store? Well, who knows what wonders the Fates have in store? I mean, if they can't make it, who can? I mean, if they can't make it, who can? Ding-ding-ding-ding.
The correct answer is 'no-one'.
Ding-ding-ding-ding.
The correct answer is 'no-one'.
Jeez, stop being cynical.
Jeez, stop being cynical.
I'm not being cynical.
I'm not being cynical.
I'm being (Mimics Brian) Realistic.
I'm being (Mimics Brian) Realistic.
Do you mind if I finish my own sentences? Do you mind if I finish my own sentences? I despise when couples do that.
I despise when couples do that.
(Scoffs) Did you hear that, rubber duckie? He said 'couples'.
(Scoffs) Did you hear that, rubber duckie? He said 'couples'.
Can't you quit while I'm ahead? Can't you quit while I'm ahead? Not before you give me some, mon amour.
Not before you give me some, mon amour.
(Laughs) Mon amour.
(Laughs) Mon amour.
I love how other people's tragic marital plight makes you romantic.
I love how other people's tragic marital plight makes you romantic.
Hard.
Christ.
Hard.
Christ.
What a big boner.
What a big boner.
(Laughs) All the better (Laughs) All the better To fuck me with.
To fuck me with.
What did I just warn you about? What did I just warn you about? About finishing each other's sentences.
About finishing each other's sentences.
(Mock groans) (Mock groans) Marriage is a doomsday machine, destined to selfdestruct.
Marriage is a doomsday machine, destined to selfdestruct.
Fortunately, however, for you and I, Fortunately, however, for you and I, we'll be spared such a dismal fate.
we'll be spared such a dismal fate.
"Life is just a bowl of fairies"? "Life is just a bowl of fairies"? It's one of my favourites.
I want you to have it.
It's one of my favourites.
I want you to have it.
Well, thanks.
But I thought you might be a little pissed about my new look.
Well, thanks.
But I thought you might be a little pissed about my new look.
I love your new look.
I loved it on me.
I love your new look.
I loved it on me.
(Laughs) (Laughs) And I'm proud of you, for doing such a great job at the diner.
So And I'm proud of you, for doing such a great job at the diner.
So Well, it's easy when you have such a great teacher.
Well, it's easy when you have such a great teacher.
You going somewhere? You going somewhere? Uh, yeah, you might say that.
Uh, yeah, you might say that.
I'm, uh, I'm leaving.
I'm, uh, I'm leaving.
Yeah? For the weekend? Yeah? For the weekend? No, for good.
No, for good.
My goddamn sister told my goddamn husband, Darryl, where I am.
My goddamn sister told my goddamn husband, Darryl, where I am.
Now he's coming to get me.
Now he's coming to get me.
So where are you going? So where are you going? I haven't had time to figure that out yet, I haven't had time to figure that out yet, but I know I can't be here when he shows up.
but I know I can't be here when he shows up.
Now, just hold on.
You also can't just run away.
Now, just hold on.
You also can't just run away.
I can and I am.
I can and I am.
When the asshole shows up, just tell him to go fuck off.
When the asshole shows up, just tell him to go fuck off.
You do not tell Darryl Pye to fuck off.
No, sir, no way.
You do not tell Darryl Pye to fuck off.
No, sir, no way.
And that's a fact.
Well, here's another one.
And that's a fact.
Well, here's another one.
Wherever you go, he's going to find you the next time too.
Wherever you go, he's going to find you the next time too.
So what do I do? So what do I do? I'll give you another T-shirt.
You can wear it when he arrives.
I'll give you another T-shirt.
You can wear it when he arrives.
And what does that one say? And what does that one say? It doesn't say anything.
It doesn't say anything.
It's got this on it: It's got this on it: Darryl will get the message.
Darryl will get the message.
(Sighs) (Sighs) GENTLE MUSIC AND CHATTER GENTLE MUSIC AND CHATTER If you want tulips this spring, you have to plant the bulbs now.
If you want tulips this spring, you have to plant the bulbs now.
The same with hyacinths.
Eli's the gardener in the family.
The same with hyacinths.
Eli's the gardener in the family.
I'm the chef.
(All laugh politely) I'm the chef.
(All laugh politely) And rose bushes on each side of the front walk would look fabulous.
And rose bushes on each side of the front walk would look fabulous.
I remember when I was a kid I remember when I was a kid planting pansies in the front yard with my mom.
planting pansies in the front yard with my mom.
And look what bloomed.
And look what bloomed.
Which one of you is the gardener and which one is the chef? Which one of you is the gardener and which one is the chef? I really like cooking.
I really like cooking.
And I love planting my seed in some hole.
And I love planting my seed in some hole.
(Chuckles) (Chuckles) Uhin the ground.
Uhin the ground.
By the way, I brought you that petition.
By the way, I brought you that petition.
Oh, yeah, great.
We'll be happy to sign.
Oh, yeah, great.
We'll be happy to sign.
Trying to get the city to put in speed bumps.
Trying to get the city to put in speed bumps.
The way people race down the street, you'd think it was a drag strip.
The way people race down the street, you'd think it was a drag strip.
(Chuckles) I doubt Brian's very interested in speed bumps.
(Chuckles) I doubt Brian's very interested in speed bumps.
On the contrary, speed bumps are extremely important.
On the contrary, speed bumps are extremely important.
Especially before you go out dancing.
Especially before you go out dancing.
What exactly do you do, Brian? What exactly do you do, Brian? He's president and CEO of Kinnetic, He's president and CEO of Kinnetic, the top advertising agency in Pittsburgh.
the top advertising agency in Pittsburgh.
I'm also president and CEO of Babylon, I'm also president and CEO of Babylon, the top gay dance club in Pittsburgh.
the top gay dance club in Pittsburgh.
Babylon? Mmm.
Babylon? Mmm.
Well, we haven't been there in years.
Well, we haven't been there in years.
Well, you two should come by.
Well, you two should come by.
As my personal guests.
As my personal guests.
Hardly think Babylon suits our lifestyle.
Hardly think Babylon suits our lifestyle.
Can I get anybody anything? Can I get anybody anything? Which lifestyle is that, Monty? II'm Monty.
Which lifestyle is that, Monty? II'm Monty.
Which lifestyle is that, Monty? Which lifestyle is that, Monty? Well, these days we prefer to spend quiet time at home with our kids.
Well, these days we prefer to spend quiet time at home with our kids.
Rather than in a room full of drugged-up Peter Pans.
Rather than in a room full of drugged-up Peter Pans.
(Laughs forcedly) You know, (Laughs forcedly) You know, so many couples I speak to these days feel that way.
so many couples I speak to these days feel that way.
(Sniffs) That's why I'm starting Monogamous Mondays.
(Sniffs) That's why I'm starting Monogamous Mondays.
(Ben chuckles) (Ben chuckles) Brian's a real kidder.
Brian's a real kidder.
Well, I hardly think Well, I hardly think the kind of promiscuous behaviour that Babylon promotes the kind of promiscuous behaviour that Babylon promotes is a laughing matter.
is a laughing matter.
Oh, come on, fellas.
Oh, come on, fellas.
Don't tell me that after - how many did you say? - 10 years together, Don't tell me that after - how many did you say? - 10 years together, you haven't had a little extramarital ass? you haven't had a little extramarital ass? JUSTIN: Brian.
JUSTIN: Brian.
Actually, we never have.
Actually, we never have.
It's called being in a mature, loving relationship.
It's called being in a mature, loving relationship.
That's called being dead.
That's called being dead.
How about you help me with dessert? How about you help me with dessert? First First .
.
presents.
.
.
presents.
Now Now .
.
hope you boys don't already have one.
.
.
hope you boys don't already have one.
You bought us a sling? You bought us a sling? You told me you were furnishing a playroom.
You told me you were furnishing a playroom.
Not that kind of playroom.
Not that kind of playroom.
Oh.
(Chuckles) Oh.
(Chuckles) Still, I'm sure you'll get hours of enjoyment from it.
Still, I'm sure you'll get hours of enjoyment from it.
Sowhat's for dessert? Sowhat's for dessert? STARTER PISTOL FIRES, CROWD CHEERS STARTER PISTOL FIRES, CROWD CHEERS In our home.
In front of our friends.
In our home.
In front of our friends.
You've got to let it go, Michael.
I know.
Live in the now.
You've got to let it go, Michael.
I know.
Live in the now.
Right now I'd like to hold Brian's head underwater.
Right now I'd like to hold Brian's head underwater.
Attagirl, Callie! Way to go, honey! Attagirl, Callie! Way to go, honey! You can do it! You can do it! WOMAN: Go! WHISTLE BLOWS WOMAN: Go! WHISTLE BLOWS That's alright! That's alright.
Good girl.
That's alright! That's alright.
Good girl.
ANNOUNCER: Clear the lanes.
ANNOUNCER: Clear the lanes.
Callie's parents are making fools of themselves.
Callie's parents are making fools of themselves.
Just ignore them.
We're here for Hunter.
Just ignore them.
We're here for Hunter.
ANNOUNCER: Next up, boys' 50m freestyle.
ANNOUNCER: Next up, boys' 50m freestyle.
Oh, my God, that's us.
Yep, yep.
Oh, my God, that's us.
Yep, yep.
SCATTERED APPLAUSE SCATTERED APPLAUSE SCATTERED CHEERING AND CALLING SCATTERED CHEERING AND CALLING ANNOUNCER: Swimmers, on your marks, get set ANNOUNCER: Swimmers, on your marks, get set STARTER PISTOL FIRES STARTER PISTOL FIRES Go, Hunter! Go, Hunter! BEN: Come on, pal.
Come on.
BEN: Come on, pal.
Come on.
Go, go, go.
Whoo! Go, go, go.
Whoo! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Come on, Hunter! Go! Come on, Hunter! MUFFLED CHEERING AND SHOUTING MUFFLED CHEERING AND SHOUTING Come on, Hunter! Dig! Come on, Hunter! Dig! MAN: Go, go, go! MAN: Go, go, go! BEN: Yeah! Yes! BEN: Yeah! Yes! He won! Yeah.
He won! Yeah.
Hunter won! Go, Hunter! Shh.
Hunter won! Go, Hunter! Shh.
MAN: He did so well.
So well.
MAN: He did so well.
So well.
MAN: Whoa.
GIRL: What's up? MAN: Whoa.
GIRL: What's up? Hunter, ar-are you OK? Hunter, ar-are you OK? MAN: Oh, perfect.
MAN: Oh, perfect.
Christ, I think he hurt himself.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
Christ, I think he hurt himself.
Oh, shit.
Hey.
CALLIE: Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
Coach, Hunter's hurt! CALLIE: Oh, my God, you're bleeding.
Coach, Hunter's hurt! MAN: Hey, Hunter's bleeding.
Callie, don't! Don't touch him.
MAN: Hey, Hunter's bleeding.
Callie, don't! Don't touch him.
Get out of the pool, honey! Oh, my God.
Get out of the pool, honey! Oh, my God.
He's got AIDS! Get out of there! He's got AIDS! Get out of there! Everybody out, NOW! Everybody out, NOW! Everybody out! Everybody out! You alright? Come on, pal.
You alright? Come on, pal.
Let's go get that looked at.
Let's go get that looked at.
(Pants) (Pants) EMMETT: That's a nice nose.
EMMETT: That's a nice nose.
Now, THAT's what I call a chin.
Now, THAT's what I call a chin.
(Sighs) Teddy, if you don't get these cheeks, I will.
(Sighs) Teddy, if you don't get these cheeks, I will.
What do you think? I think I'm going to puke.
What do you think? I think I'm going to puke.
I warned you, didn't I? I warned you, didn't I? Didn't I warn you not to gorge yourself? Didn't I warn you not to gorge yourself? It's not that.
Look at me.
It's not that.
Look at me.
I look like a cow chart in the butcher's shop.
I look like a cow chart in the butcher's shop.
Just think, when they reveal the new you - Just think, when they reveal the new you - like the woman with the harelip and the hump on a 'Extreme Makeover' - like the woman with the harelip and the hump on a 'Extreme Makeover' - you'll be weeping with joy.
you'll be weeping with joy.
(Scoffs) (Scoffs) METALLIC RATTLING METALLIC RATTLING (Patient whimpers) (Patient whimpers) I've never had any surgery before.
I've never had any surgery before.
I still have everything intact, you know - I still have everything intact, you know - mymy appendix, my tonsils.
mymy appendix, my tonsils.
Foreskin.
My wisdom teeth.
Foreskin.
My wisdom teeth.
This'll be my first time under the knife.
This'll be my first time under the knife.
Pish! It's nothing.
Pish! It's nothing.
You can sit there and 'pish' all you want.
You can sit there and 'pish' all you want.
I'm the one about to suffer severe pain for the sake of a new me.
I'm the one about to suffer severe pain for the sake of a new me.
What if I don't like the new me? What if I don't like the new me? What's not to like? How about a 30-inch waist? What's not to like? How about a 30-inch waist? Crow's feet that have flown the coop? Crow's feet that have flown the coop? Uhcheekbones to die for? Uhcheekbones to die for? I'm not getting cheekbones.
Should I have gotten cheekbones? I'm not getting cheekbones.
Should I have gotten cheekbones? (Pants) Oh, God.
(Pants) Oh, God.
Oh, maybe Brian's right.
Oh, maybe Brian's right.
Maybe this obsession with youth and beauty Maybe this obsession with youth and beauty is shallow, superficial, narcissistic is shallow, superficial, narcissistic We're fags, for Christ's sake! We're fags, for Christ's sake! Being obsessed with youth and beauty is our god-given right.
Being obsessed with youth and beauty is our god-given right.
Should I pull out? Should I pull out? You're seriously asking me that question? You're seriously asking me that question? Teddy, for as long as I have known you, you have never felt good - Teddy, for as long as I have known you, you have never felt good - really good - about yourself.
really good - about yourself.
So if a few incisions and a little fat-sucking is what it takes So if a few incisions and a little fat-sucking is what it takes for you to finally be able to look in a mirror and smile, for you to finally be able to look in a mirror and smile, then I say it's not shallow and superficial.
then I say it's not shallow and superficial.
It's a blessing.
It's a blessing.
Thank you, Em.
Thank you, Em.
DOOR OPENS DOOR OPENS Mr Schmidt? Mr Schmidt? Well, go on.
Well, go on.
(Suavely) Dr DeMille is ready for your close-up.
(Suavely) Dr DeMille is ready for your close-up.
(Laughs nervously) (Laughs nervously) OK, OK.
Diapers, powder, Boo-Boo Bearlotion.
OK, OK.
Diapers, powder, Boo-Boo Bearlotion.
Lotion.
Where's the lotion? Lotion.
Where's the lotion? (Sighs) There's enough for a nudist colony.
(Sighs) There's enough for a nudist colony.
Yeah.
When there's a baby, be prepared.
Yeah.
When there's a baby, be prepared.
Spoken like a true scout.
Spoken like a true scout.
It was a joke.
It was a joke.
All I have to do is express my milk.
All I have to do is express my milk.
When's Michael picking her up? When's Michael picking her up? Tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
(Sighs) Mel (Sighs) Mel He just better know what the fuck he's doing.
He just better know what the fuck he's doing.
We'll find out.
We'll find out.
You know, I was thinking, You know, I was thinking, why doesn't Gus stay with you tomorrow night? why doesn't Gus stay with you tomorrow night? Hot date? No.
Hot date? No.
Just thought it'd be nice for you to have some company.
Just thought it'd be nice for you to have some company.
(Bitterly) Oh, so I won't be lonely? (Bitterly) Oh, so I won't be lonely? Thanks, but as much as I would love to have him here, Thanks, but as much as I would love to have him here, I don't need your pity.
I don't need your pity.
It's not pity.
No, it's you being gracious.
It's not pity.
No, it's you being gracious.
Making the grand gesture.
I was only trying to think of you.
Making the grand gesture.
I was only trying to think of you.
Maybe you should've done that in the first place.
Maybe you should've done that in the first place.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Gus! Honey, it's time to leave.
Gus! Honey, it's time to leave.
(Clears throat) I hope it goes well tomorrow, (Clears throat) I hope it goes well tomorrow, despite what you think.
despite what you think.
GUS: We didn't play yet.
Come on, Gus, we're going now.
GUS: We didn't play yet.
Come on, Gus, we're going now.
Yeah, but I don't wanna go.
Yeah, but I don't wanna go.
Put on your coat.
No! Put on your coat.
No! I don't wanna go! I don't wanna go! Two hours for a fucking band-aid.
Good thing I wasn't decapitated.
Two hours for a fucking band-aid.
Good thing I wasn't decapitated.
I'd be sitting in that goddamn emergency room I'd be sitting in that goddamn emergency room holding my head all night.
holding my head all night.
(Laughs) We're home now.
(Laughs) We're home now.
Go upstairs and relax.
You'll feel better.
Go upstairs and relax.
You'll feel better.
Relax?! You have a concussion.
Relax?! You have a concussion.
The doctor told you I'm fine! The doctor told you I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me.
There's nothing wrong with me.
Except, thanks to Callie's asshole father and cunt mother Except, thanks to Callie's asshole father and cunt mother Hey! Well, she is! Hey! Well, she is! Now everyone at school thinks I have AIDS.
Now everyone at school thinks I have AIDS.
You don't have AIDS, you have HIV.
You don't have AIDS, you have HIV.
Don't tell me, tell them.
Don't tell me, tell them.
Except you don't have to.
Except you don't have to.
'Cause I'm never going back there.
'Cause I'm never going back there.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Yeah, right! There's not.
Yeah, right! There's not.
Your coach will talk to everyone, explain you can't get the virus Your coach will talk to everyone, explain you can't get the virus from a few drops of blood in a chlorinated pool.
from a few drops of blood in a chlorinated pool.
If you want to take the day off tomorrow, that'sfine by us, If you want to take the day off tomorrow, that'sfine by us, but sooner or later, you're going to have to go back.
but sooner or later, you're going to have to go back.
Yeah, and when you do you can tell them Yeah, and when you do you can tell them you're the 50m freestyle champion.
you're the 50m freestyle champion.
(Sighs) (Sighs) (Strains and groans) (Strains and groans) They're supposed to be flying magnificently through the air.
They're supposed to be flying magnificently through the air.
Superheroes, not two crash test dummies at a Hyundai factory.
Superheroes, not two crash test dummies at a Hyundai factory.
Try it again.
JUSTIN: It looks pretty good.
Try it again.
JUSTIN: It looks pretty good.
Pretty good's not good enough.
Pretty good's not good enough.
When Michael sees it, I want him to lose his mind.
When Michael sees it, I want him to lose his mind.
And his breath.
And his bladder control.
And his breath.
And his bladder control.
And then what? And then what? Come running back to Babylon where he belongs? Come running back to Babylon where he belongs? It ain't gonna happen.
He's happy where he is.
It ain't gonna happen.
He's happy where he is.
Gay men cannot live on tulip beds and speed bumps alone.
Gay men cannot live on tulip beds and speed bumps alone.
Sooner or later, the Serengeti will call Sooner or later, the Serengeti will call and he'll pace restlessly in his cage, and he'll pace restlessly in his cage, howling at the moon.
howling at the moon.
Then he'll break free from suburbia Then he'll break free from suburbia and return to the jungle where he belongs.
and return to the jungle where he belongs.
OK.
Spazman and Clutzboy, get it right.
OK.
Spazman and Clutzboy, get it right.
MAN: OK, let's try it again, buddy.
MAN: OK, let's try it again, buddy.
I need another mac and cheese and a turkey meatloaf.
I need another mac and cheese and a turkey meatloaf.
MAN: Excuse me, ma'am, but aren't you going to take MY order? MAN: Excuse me, ma'am, but aren't you going to take MY order? Hey, I didn't order this.
Hey, I didn't order this.
Try it.
You'll like it.
Try it.
You'll like it.
Now, honey, before you say anything, Now, honey, before you say anything, I just want to say how truly and deeply sorry I am I just want to say how truly and deeply sorry I am for our little spat.
for our little spat.
How's your jaw? How's your jaw? Well, I can chew the Salisbury steak in this place, so I guess it's OK.
Well, I can chew the Salisbury steak in this place, so I guess it's OK.
(Chuckles) Look, I know I lost my temper, (Chuckles) Look, I know I lost my temper, and I promise I won't do that again.
and I promise I won't do that again.
That's what you always say.
That's what you always say.
Come on.
It's time for you to come home.
Come on.
It's time for you to come home.
Darrell, I Y-you don't have to apologise.
Darrell, I Y-you don't have to apologise.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.
YOU forgive ME? YOU forgive ME? Yeah.
Forget all about what happened.
Yeah.
Forget all about what happened.
Hmm? Just get your coat Hmm? Just get your coat I don't want to forget it.
I don't want to forget it.
I'm not going back home.
I'm not going back home.
I'm staying here.
I'm staying here.
What, slinging hash in some fag diner? What, slinging hash in some fag diner? Is that what you're gonna do to take care of yourself, Is that what you're gonna do to take care of yourself, to be independent? to be independent? You know, that'd be funny if it weren't so damn pitiful.
You know, that'd be funny if it weren't so damn pitiful.
I'm not pitiful.
I'm not pitiful.
What do you think you're proving here, Loretta? What do you think you're proving here, Loretta? That you can live without a man? That you can live without a man? You're a lezzie? You're a lezzie? I am, Darrell.
I am, Darrell.
I am a lesbian and I'm not ashamed.
I am a lesbian and I'm not ashamed.
Well, you ought to be.
Well, you ought to be.
Your problem's just that you haven't been getting enough recently.
Your problem's just that you haven't been getting enough recently.
I'm gonna take care of that.
No, you're not.
I'm gonna take care of that.
No, you're not.
What did you say to me? I told you.
What did you say to me? I told you.
And I'm telling you my truck is parked outside.
Now let's go! And I'm telling you my truck is parked outside.
Now let's go! BANG! BANG! Exactly what part of 'fuck off' don't you understand? Exactly what part of 'fuck off' don't you understand? Who the hell are you? Who the hell are you? I'm the one with the baseball bat.
I'm the one with the baseball bat.
This is between me and my wife.
This is between me and my wife.
And she's trying to tell you something.
And she's trying to tell you something.
Only you're not getting it through your head, Only you're not getting it through your head, so maybe my friend here can help.
so maybe my friend here can help.
Let's go.
Come on.
No! Let's go.
Come on.
No! I said no! I said no! You are not a nice person, Darrell.
You are not a nice person, Darrell.
You don't treat me with the respect I deserve.
You don't treat me with the respect I deserve.
And I don't love you anymore.
And I don't love you anymore.
I hope you heard her this time.
I hope you heard her this time.
Now you better leave before me and my fag friends Now you better leave before me and my fag friends beat the living shit out of you.
beat the living shit out of you.
(Men mutter) (Men mutter) DOOR SLAMS DOOR SLAMS QUIET CHATTER QUIET CHATTER (Students converse) (Students converse) How's your head? How's your head? I'll live.
I'll live.
Look (Sighs) .
.
I'm sorry for what happened.
Look (Sighs) .
.
I'm sorry for what happened.
What are YOU sorry for? What are YOU sorry for? I'm the one who was stupid enough to believe no-one would ever find out.
I'm the one who was stupid enough to believe no-one would ever find out.
BOY: Hey, Callie! BOY: Hey, Callie! What are you wasting your time for? He's a fag.
What are you wasting your time for? He's a fag.
I hear the way he got AIDS I hear the way he got AIDS was letting old geezers fuck him up the assfor cash.
was letting old geezers fuck him up the assfor cash.
You told them.
No! I swear I didn't.
You told them.
No! I swear I didn't.
Hey, faggot, here's five bucks.
Why don't you suck my cock? Hey, faggot, here's five bucks.
Why don't you suck my cock? I charge way more than that for assholes like you.
I charge way more than that for assholes like you.
Lucas, stop it.
You want to get AIDS? Lucas, stop it.
You want to get AIDS? Then go on, hit me.
Get my blood all over you.
Then go on, hit me.
Get my blood all over you.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Come on.
Faggot! Faggot! CLASS BELL RINGS CLASS BELL RINGS Are you OK? Are you OK? I'm sorry, but I can't promise you Schmidt.
I'm sorry, but I can't promise you Schmidt.
He's the hottest guy in town.
Even I want to fuck him.
He's the hottest guy in town.
Even I want to fuck him.
Ted.
Ted.
Teddy.
Teddy.
(Teddy slurs) I'm sorry, Brian.
You can't have me.
(Teddy slurs) I'm sorry, Brian.
You can't have me.
Teddy.
Teddy.
Ted? Ted? (Coaxingly) Teddy.
(Coaxingly) Teddy.
It's me, Em.
It's me, Em.
Oh, I must have been dreaming.
Oh, I must have been dreaming.
Hmm, I'll say.
Hmm, I'll say.
(Laughs) How do you feel? (Laughs) How do you feel? Like I was hit by a bus and left for dead Like I was hit by a bus and left for dead .
.
and then stepped on by an elephant.
.
.
and then stepped on by an elephant.
(Giggles) (Giggles) How do I look? How do I look? A tadpuffy.
A tadpuffy.
But the doctor said give it a few days and you'll be gorgeous.
But the doctor said give it a few days and you'll be gorgeous.
Ah.
Right.
Ah.
Right.
Thank you for seeing me through this, Em.
Thank you for seeing me through this, Em.
Hm, please.
Hm, please.
When I pull my Joan Rivers, you'll be right there with me.
When I pull my Joan Rivers, you'll be right there with me.
Now you lie there and rest, OK? Now you lie there and rest, OK? And remember, no peeking.
And remember, no peeking.
(Slurs) No peeking.
(Slurs) No peeking.
(Sighs) (Sighs) Fuck 'no peeking'.
Fuck 'no peeking'.
The way I feel (Groans) The way I feel (Groans) .
.
I'm allowed to peek.
.
.
I'm allowed to peek.
Ohhh.
Ohhh.
(Grunts) (Grunts) (Groans in pain) (Groans in pain) (Grunts and groans) (Grunts and groans) (Shrieks) (Shrieks) POP MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY POP MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY Oh.
Did you see his face? Oh.
Did you see his face? Pissed as hell.
(Giggles) Pissed as hell.
(Giggles) Which is exactly what I'm going to be if I have another one of these.
Which is exactly what I'm going to be if I have another one of these.
Ha.
Me too.
(Chuckles) Ha.
Me too.
(Chuckles) BOTH: Another shooter! BOTH: Another shooter! (Both laugh) (Both laugh) I'm so proud of you.
I'm so proud of you.
You told that former asshole of yours to fuck off.
You told that former asshole of yours to fuck off.
Well, I never could've done it without you and your big bat.
Well, I never could've done it without you and your big bat.
Hmm, bigger than his, I'll bet.
Hmm, bigger than his, I'll bet.
(Chortles) You'd better believe it.
(Chortles) You'd better believe it.
Well, you don't have to be afraid of him anymore.
Well, you don't have to be afraid of him anymore.
I don't know how I can ever repay you, Deb.
I don't know how I can ever repay you, Deb.
For what? For what? First you give me a new life and First you give me a new life and .
.
and then you save it.
.
.
and then you save it.
(Sighs) Honey, you don't owe me a damn thing.
(Sighs) Honey, you don't owe me a damn thing.
But there is something that you owe yourself.
But there is something that you owe yourself.
Happiness.
Happiness.
You've been through a lot of shit, You've been through a lot of shit, and you deserve it.
and you deserve it.
Someone to share it with? Someone to share it with? Someone who'll treat you right.
Someone who'll treat you right.
Hmm.
Hmm.
I think I'd better go home before the sun comes up.
(Sniffs) I think I'd better go home before the sun comes up.
(Sniffs) Me too.
I, uhhave the early shift at the diner.
Me too.
I, uhhave the early shift at the diner.
Well, when you open up the place, think of me in bed.
(Laughs) Well, when you open up the place, think of me in bed.
(Laughs) I will.
I will.
Love you.
Love you.
You too.
You too.
(Laughs) (Laughs) 'Bye.
'Bye.
'Bye.
'Bye.
There's breast milk, sterilised bottles, diapers, There's breast milk, sterilised bottles, diapers, bottle-warmer, her blanket.
bottle-warmer, her blanket.
We have blankets.
We have blankets.
She's slept with this one every night since she was born.
She's slept with this one every night since she was born.
It's an antique Lindsay bought for her.
It's an antique Lindsay bought for her.
We'll see she sleeps with it.
We'll see she sleeps with it.
Oh, and, uhhere are the feeding instructions.
Oh, and, uhhere are the feeding instructions.
It's pretty much every three hours, or when she's hungry.
It's pretty much every three hours, or when she's hungry.
She'll let you know.
(Gurgles) She'll let you know.
(Gurgles) Oh, and make sure the milk's warm but not too hot.
Oh, and make sure the milk's warm but not too hot.
Heya.
Hiya.
Heya.
Hiya.
(Coos) (Coos) So if anything happens or there's any questions So if anything happens or there's any questions Yeah, we'll call.
Yeah, we'll call.
(Whispers) Hi.
(Whispers) Hi.
Hey.
(Whinges) Hey.
(Whinges) Ohh.
(Makes soothing noises) (Cries) Ohh.
(Makes soothing noises) (Cries) Goodbye, precious.
Goodbye, precious.
(Cries) Shh.
(Cries) Shh.
(Continues crying) (Continues crying) Hey.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi.
POWERFUL DANCE MUSIC POWERFUL DANCE MUSIC DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES He might still come.
He might still come.
Fuck him.
Fuck him.
More caped crusaders for us.
More caped crusaders for us.