The Middle s05e04 Episode Script

Orson, Indiana-- heart of the heartland.
Proud home of Little Betty Snack Cakes, the Demolition Derby for the homeless, and the world's largest polyurethane cow.
And this year, our little town was turning 100, the Orsontennial, and everybody was super-excited.
Don't answer it.
You have to get it.
The machine's broken.
Then you get it.
I'm pooping! Hello.
What? Oh, hang on.
Sue.
Did you sign up for the Orson Float Committee? No.
Are they looking for people? Ooh! I'll do it! I'll do it! I'll do it! I can totally do it.
Please, please, please, please, please! - I can be on it! - Wait, what? Okay.
It's not for you.
Wh-- I didn't make it? Is there an alternate squad? Is there a waiting list? Ooh, is there a Clean-Up Committee? 'Cause I have Clean-Up-Committee experience, you know? Okay.
Hang on.
Look, I-I-I don't know anything about that.
She's gonna have to call you back.
Hey.
Did you sign us up for some Orsontennial Float Committee? Yeah, right, that sounds exactly like something I would do.
Wait a minute.
Hey, Frankie.
How would you and Mike like to drive a float in the centennial parade? You bet I would! Hey, Mike! Nancy wants us to drive a float in the centennial parade.
Whatever, baby.
Whoo! See, this is what happens when we drink.
We sign up for stupid committees or get Brick.
Mom, dad, I'd like you to listen to my top 100 slogans for the Orsontennial.
What's the first one? That's my favorite.
What's this for, anyway? It's a contest sponsored by the city.
The winner gets to ride in the parade on an old-timey fire truck, and the best part is, your motto becomes the town's motto for the next 100 years.
Orson-- Orson-- you don't look a day over 99.
Orson-- all-new people every 100 years.
I got it! Orson-- Dudes! - Dude! - Dude! - Yeah! The boys are back! - Yes! Whoo! All right, yeah.
Take a seat.
Let's get started.
All right, all right.
Okay, guys, been giving this a lot of thought.
There's no telling when Orson's gonna have another centennial, so how's Boss Co.
gonna make some cash off this thing? Hey, we could be those guys that put all the cones out for traffic and stuff.
Yeah, I think the city does that.
We could pick up the garbage.
The city does that, too.
Man, the city is screwing us.
Dudes, we're not manual-labor guys.
This is Boss Co.
With college knowledge.
- Yeah.
- Oh, wait a minute.
I got it.
What's the one thing Orson doesn't have? - Hot chicks.
- A shoe factory.
A VIP experience.
It's too equal here.
It's like everybody's as good as everybody else.
We could bring exclusivity to Orson.
- I like it.
- Mm-hmm.
Get some chairs, reserve a block along the parade route, a-a velvet rope.
My uncle's got some police tape from where they dug out that foot.
Yeah.
Let's do it.
Boss Co.
2.
0! Whoo.
Yeah.
Now, I'd like to start by announcing the official name of the parade.
It's "Ehlert Motors Presents The Orsontennial, Sponsored By Ehlert Motors.
" Mr.
Ehlert, would you like to say a few words? This is a buying opportunity, folks.
Remember, for the week of the centennial, Ehlert Motors is rolling back prices to 1913-- plus 25 grand.
Wonderful.
Now, we need to make our 100th a big success, and I've got an exciting surprise which should really kick things up a notch.
We got Ron Cougar Mellencamp! Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Ron Cougar Mellencamp, Indiana's number-four John Cougar Mellencamp impersonator, according to Yelp.
Okay.
Everyone knows their assignments.
Let's break up into our subcommittees.
Hey, Nancy.
Great speech.
Listen, we don't think we should be driving a float in the parade.
What? Why? Well, it's just that when we signed up, we were-- - Drunk.
- Yeah.
We weren't quite operating with all our faculties, or, obviously, we wouldn't have volunteered.
But you two have been assigned the Orson cow float.
It's a huge honor.
Plus, you did ask for it.
We did? You want something simple? No way, Lady Liberty.
We want the biggest float you got! Ow! Mmm.
Oh, man.
You guys get to drive the cow? That's only the best float in the whole parade.
Lucky ducks.
And that's when we realized 100 years is a big deal, and we should be doing our part.
Plus, Nancy brought brownies-- the kind that are melted on the inside, but the crust stays sort of hard.
It's like they're done, but they're not done.
What can I say? The woman knows what she's doing.
Mom, I don't blame you for not liking my previous mottos.
They weren't personal, and they lacked historical context.
Hey! So, to that end, I went to the library and did a little research.
Now, did you know that in the early 1800s-- Yeah, skip ahead, Brick.
Oh, okay.
Uh, well, then, in the early 1900s, a down-on-his-luck miner named Merwin James Orson found an emerald while digging on his property.
Word spread quickly, and people came from miles around to find their fortune, but turns out there was none, and it was a lawless community for years.
Prostitution was rampant, but eventually, it became the town we know and love today.
So, what do you think about this? Orson-- the heartland's hidden gem.
Wow, Brick.
That's actually good.
I know, right? I think I nailed it.
It's melodious.
It's got alliteration with the nod to history.
Old-timey fire truck, here I come.
Most importantly, I think it'll put me in certain literary circles.
Dinner! Hey! Poor Sue.
For weeks, she'd been trying to get over Darrin.
I mean, he had a new girlfriend.
So, she decided if this angel person was right for him, she would move on.
But she had to find out.
Hey.
You're Sue, right? You're a friend of Darrin's.
Yep.
That's me.
Friend of Darrin's.
FOD.
I'm so glad you're here.
I've secretly been dying to get my hands on your hair.
Oh, cool.
Thanks.
Yeah, I'm just looking for more of a style for the Orsontennial.
Yeah, you really need one.
So, how long have you and Darrin been seeing each other? Oh, just a couple months.
That's cool.
So, like, what do you like about him? Oh, you know, he's hot.
Right.
Anything else? I like his arms.
Mm-hmm.
That would sort of fall under the "Hot" category.
So His neck.
He's got a sexy neck.
And his stomach-- mm.
Okay.
We don't have to go through every body part.
Is there anything else you like about Darrin? Uh Oh, my God, Brad, she is so wrong for him.
I mean, obviously, she's a really talented hairdresser, but that's not enough.
Darrin deserves so much more.
I know you're saying stuff, but I can't stop staring at your hair.
It looks amahz.
I'm so jel.
Oh, you wouldn't believe the looks I got.
I wish I could do this myself.
Totally.
She doesn't appreciate him, Brad.
He is so much more than his arms.
He is a musician and a poet, and he can parallel-park like nobody's business.
You know, I wouldn't be surprised if their whole relationship is based on-- excuse my language-- physical stuff.
Mm.
I mean, is that all that men want? Is that really what all men are like? Not the good ones, Sue.
Not the good ones.
Brad, I just don't know what I'm gonna do.
Well, I do.
You need to make him know what he's missing, Sue.
You need to make him jealous.
You're right, Brad.
I'm gonna go for it.
And you are just the man to help me.
Oh, I'm so in.
And I know exactly what loafers I'm gonna wear.
- Can I Instagram this? - Oh.
Stunning.
So, we got over 70 entries for the motto contest.
No, I'm sorry, seven.
We got over seven entries.
But when we saw this one, it's clear that a lot of thought went into this.
The winner of the motto contest is "Orson-- why not?" What?! Ooh! Oh, that's me! Oh, that's me! Oh! Thank you! Excuse me, Mr.
Ehlert, there seems to be some kind of mistake.
I mean, "Orson-- why not?" What about "The heartland's hidden gem"? We didn't get it.
But I turned it in the day-- No, no, we received it.
We just didn't get it.
"Why not?" Now, that's snappy.
It's like, "Got milk?" This is an outrage.
That is an inferior motto.
And nobody said we could use punctuation.
Forget it, son.
We're moving on to the pie contest.
- But it's-- - It's done! You lost.
Get over it.
Now, I've got 35 pies to taste, so unless you're a pie, get out of my face.
Remember, Orsonites, stay with your floats.
I'm not naming names, but some boys have been seen running around with egg cartons and silly string-- the Glossners.
Now, sleep tight, 'cause Don's Oriental Food is providing free coffee and crullers at 6:00 AM! You know, I never thought I'd be excited about sleeping out in the street, but this is kind of fun.
How do you figure? Oh, come on.
It's good for us to get out of our comfort zone once in a while.
And it's nice to be giving back.
I mean, think about how much this town has done for us.
Yeah.
Well, after this, we're even.
It is weird, though.
What? Just how long we've been here.
That's a lot of years.
And to think, if it wasn't for that gas cap, we'd be living in Chicago right now.
Sure, blame it on the gas cap.
It's true.
We were so close.
We were just outside of Chicago.
Everything we owned was packed in that u-haul, and then we had to stop at that gas station.
Back then, you were too good to pee in a ditch.
And then you noticed that the gas cap was missing.
We had to drive all the way back to Orson to find it.
Hey, you can't return a rental truck without a gas cap.
They'd have charged us a fortune to replace it.
And then you ran into that guy at the lunch place, your old friend from middle school.
What's-his-name with the mullet? Rockin' Phil Nissen.
Yeah, that's right.
And then he told us about that opening at the quarry, and 20 years later, here we are.
Here we are.
Can I tell you something? If it's that you love me even more now, then, please, I'm listening.
I didn't forget the gas cap.
What? I didn't forget the gas cap.
I made that up.
What are you talking about? Are you serious? You're not serious.
We were almost there and-- I don't know-- it just didn't feel right.
So you just made up a story about a gas cap? Why didn't you talk to me about it? I was scared, too.
Why didn't you just tell me how you felt? I don't know.
I thought we'd have a big fight.
We were young.
I wasn't so used to it then.
Are you mad? Well, I'm always a little mad but no.
No.
I'm glad we didn't end up there.
Chicago is so big.
Who knows what would have happened? Somebody would have ended up on drugs.
It might have been us.
I'm glad we're here.
It's a good town.
It is.
Rise and shine! Wakey, wakey, eggs and bakey! Happy 100th.
Here's your walkies.
It's showtime! Wait, why do we need walkie-talkies? 'Cause you have to communicate.
Frankie, you're his eyes and ears.
He can't see a thing back there.
Now climb into your cow, and let's do this.
Oof.
Okay.
So, I just go through this little hole to my area? No, that little hole is your area.
So, wait, seriously? This is it? Uh Oh, yeah.
Wow.
This is gonna be horrible.
I'd be more comfortable in a real cow.
I still don't get why we need walkie-talkies.
I can yell at you from here.
I've been yelling at you for 20 years.
Okay, I get it.
Come on down to Ehlert's Motors! We'll make you a deal! And remember, you don't have to plug our cars in to your house.
Our cars run on good, old-fashioned American gas, not foreign electricity.
I can't believe this.
Not a single customer? No one is biting.
Maybe they don't get it.
I told you we should have spelled out "Very Important People.
" Oh, hey.
Excuse me, sir.
How would you like the VIP experience? Well, now, why would I want that? Well, 'cause it's a way to experience the parade in unparalleled style and comfort.
Oh, I wouldn't want folks thinking I'm fancy.
Can we get your e-mail address for future events? Brick was trying his best to put the motto-contest disappointment behind him, but that was proving to be difficult.
VIP seating right over there.
Eat tiny sandwiches.
Be better than your neighbors.
Seats going fast.
Left.
Left.
That's too much left! Right, right! Right, right! No, no, no! That's too far! Stop! Oh, my God, that was close.
Why aren't you listening to me? I am listening.
I need more lead time.
It takes more than a few seconds to steer this damn thing.
What the hell are you doing up there? Well, I'm sorry.
This twirler keeps dropping her baton.
We could have flattened her like a pancake.
Just tell me what you see.
I see Brad with his arm around Sue.
I always liked those two together.
Uh I can't feel my legs.
I'm gonna get thrombosis.
I saw it on "Dr.
Oz.
" You know, maybe if I get on my stomach.
Aah! Oh, oh, oh.
Worse, worse.
So much worse.
No.
No, no, no! What is this, Sean?! What? I thought we could at least recoup a little of our investment.
We paid to sit here, Axl.
See? You can't do that.
You let the dorks in, it becomes the dork area.
There's Darrin.
Let's do it.
Are you sure? In front of everybody? Trust me.
Nothing makes a man more jealous.
Summer lovin', had me a blast summer lovin', happened so fast met a girl crazy for me met a boy cute as can be summer days drifting away to, uh, oh, those summer nights oh, well-uh, well-uh, well-uh Yeah, okay, we got to get them out of here.
And here comes an original Orson fire truck from 1927.
And riding atop, that's our Orson motto contest winner, Kristen Rice.
"Orson-- why not? Orson-- why not?" People, please.
Don't you see what's happening? This is the dumbing down of America.
We have to live with this motto for the next 100 years.
What will future generations think? Do we really want this motto? Is this the legacy we want to leave our children? Free t-shirts! Oh, sure, grab them up just 'cause they're free.
Just 'cause it's on a t-shirt doesn't make it right! Shoot, I'm a sucker Curse you, Sans Serif.
Sans Serif.
Maybe we picked the wrong song.
The song was flawless, Brad.
I just have to face facts.
Darrin's moved on.
Maybe I should, too.
It's just that I thought we were so right for each other.
I thought we could have the kind of relationship my parents have.
What do you mean you're trying? Just open your mouth and tell me which way to turn.
A piece of grass has fallen down, and I can't see where I'm going.
Well, move it.
I'm trying, but my back is cramping.
What are you complaining about? You're three feet tall.
Just scooch forward.
Oh, yeah, says the guy in the back with all the legroom.
Ohh, yeah! It's a big party back here.
Oh, you had to get us out of our comfort zone.
We're old, Frankie.
There is no comfort zone! Everything's uncomfortable.
Everything hurts.
Yeah, if you didn't wuss out at the last minute, we would be in Chicago right now.
Save it.
You were practically crying last night how happy you are here.
Last night, I wasn't stuffed inside a cow.
I am never drinking another Margarita again.
You don't mean that.
I know.
This is Nancy Donahue's fault.
She plies everybody with booze and brownies, and then we all turn into her little army of idiots.
Why don't you stop doing what she says? She acts like Queen Bee, and you suck up to her.
I mean, who gives a crap what Nancy Donahue thinks? Me? What about you always trying to act like a big shot around Bill Norwood.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
I live to impress Bill Norwood.
He's married to Paula.
He's got his own cross to bear.
When this is over, I'm gonna give Nancy a piece of my mind.
- You won't.
- I know.
Um float operators? Please switch to channel 3 for all domestic disputes.
They're listening.
Oh, crap on a cracker.
Turn it off.
Turn it off.
What the heck? Well, that was definitely our fault.
This is all your fault! I thought you said you knew electricity! I didn't study that yet! Cut that cord! - I got it! I got it! - Grab it, grab it! - Oh.
- Aah! Great! Now everybody hates us.
The whole town is mad.
Look.
They're all yelling at us.
Why is it so hot in here? - Fire! - Fire! Out! Oh, my God! We're on fire! What? Mike, the cow is on fire! It's burning! We got to get out of here! Let's go! Let's go! Frankie, get out! Come on.
- Aah! - Gee whiz! Look at that! Sue, look out! Aah! You okay? Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, my God! Sue, are you okay? Did you see that, Brad? Darrin saved me.
He saved me first.
Do you know what this means? There's hope, Brad.
There's hope.
Has anyone seen Ron Cougar Mellencamp? Does anyone have eyes on Ron Cougar Mellencamp?! So, the Orsontennial didn't go exactly as planned.
But when I really think about it, I'm glad we never made it to Chicago because there, when a cow catches on fire, the whole city burns down.
But not here.
That's what's great about living in a town like this.
It's like Ron Cougar Mellencamp says.
I was born in a teeny place and I live in a teeny place probably die in a teeny place oh, those teeny-weeny communities all my friends are so teeny-weeny my parents live in the same teeny town my job is so teeny-weeny provides little oppor-teeny-ty Hey! You know, I think we just might end up spending the rest of our lives here in Orson.
Why not?