Weeds s05e04 Episode Script

Previously on Weeds: My partner is dead.
I'm gonna get this guy, and I'm gonna kill him.
He was my partner.
- Oh, holy shit.
- The Tijuana police? - Don't enjoy this.
- We should flee.
And I love you.
I need you to take Shane to my sister.
- She banged Uncle Andy.
- Asshole.
Do not make me go back there.
Everyone hates me.
- Where in the fuck am I? - You're in Texas, ma'am.
- Mr.
Sundasky.
- I need some pot.
I wanna open a store.
Medical marijuana.
Doug's helping.
We can't approve your application without consent of law enforcement.
You guys wanna sell drugs? I'm gonna want my cut.
You will lie back, show there is a baby that is both male and mine.
You remember Sucio? He will watch you now.
- Where is Sucio? - There was blood.
Get yourself to a safe place.
Wait for my call.
What are we doing here, Nance? Big buffalo blasting.
It says so right on the thing.
No, here.
Family Fun Bowl-O-Rama.
I'm out of tokens.
I bowled seven full games.
I'm being recruited for league, so that's I wanna go home.
You shot a bunny.
Don't think you're supposed to blast the bunny.
Or the owl.
When Esteban calls, we can all go home.
Then you'll be free to sit your sister-fucking ass down on the couch, get high schedule your post-sister-fucking jerk session wherein you re-live all the many pleasures of fucking my sister.
Yeah.
I see what's going on here.
Don't.
- What? - Just don't.
Fine.
Jealous.
You're pissed about Jill.
You don't need to wait for Esteban to call, ergo - Ergo.
- Ergo.
- It's not about him.
It's me.
- Really? It's not.
- That night in the car.
- That was for the cops.
- The passion.
- Passion? - I was trying not to pee in my pants.
- You felt something.
- This is bullshit.
- You tried to hide your feelings.
- Bullshit.
- Bullshit.
Okay, so kiss me.
Go away.
You like me.
You "like me" like me, and that's why you don't want to.
Baby, Andy.
Baby, baby, baby.
Another man's baby.
Another bunny.
I'm hoping she falls down a flight of stairs.
This thing is happening whether we like it or not.
Shit.
- You don't want a pink bear anyway.
- Fuck the bear, I wanna win.
Okay, time to go.
Esteban's meeting us at the house.
- So we do get to meet baby daddy.
- Be nice or say nothing.
I've brought you this.
Those are awesome shirts.
I wish you'd brought three.
So you're the mayor of Mexico or something? Or something, yes.
And you stuck your penis inside my mother.
At least once.
Okay, then.
Good night, Shane.
- Go upstairs.
- Are you sure it's safe up there? What happened to the smelly guard dog? Cesar believes he mixed up his medications and wandered off.
I mixed Benadryl and Tegretol one time.
Spent three days guessing weight at the Iowa State Fair.
Got crabs, and a tattoo, of a crab.
So he just wandered off naked and bleeding? I am told that's happened before, yes.
Well, in that case, thank you for giving him a gun and the keys to our house.
How about moving into my house? Did you just ask me to live with you? In Tijuana? Even the donkeys are scared.
And that's a fun place to be a donkey.
I own a house here, in Santa Playa.
There's plenty of room.
Room for the boys, and even room for him.
I'm good, actually, here.
Me too.
I think it would be best.
Yeah, well, you're not the mayor of us.
And these shirts are lame.
Shane, go to bed.
Now.
Come on, tough guy.
Nice to meet you.
- You didn't answer my question.
- This is our home.
And where is our home? Where is this coming from? I received test results.
It is indeed a boy.
My boy.
I see.
Your boy.
Oh, God, look at the time.
We should go to bed, Nance.
Let this poor guy leave.
Ignacio.
Another guard dog.
Ignacio will watch over you for now.
You know what? I can do the watching.
I'm an excellent watcher.
Right.
You and your crabs.
This is for you, Nancy.
"Now and Zen Baby Cradle and Swing"? It's a little early, don't you think? I'm not even showing.
I can feel him.
Look at this guy.
He's a gorilla.
He's a thug.
I mean, take away the The muscles and the fiery eyes and the cold heart of a killer, what does he have that I don't have? I call him Mr.
Zappy.
Oh, great.
Now he's wet himself.
That happens.
I'll get him a towel.
You're gonna love this swing.
Only the best for our boy.
Our boy.
Nothing is exactly as it seems.
Nor is it otherwise.
What? It says so right on the box.
Smoking in the eco-garden.
Way to raise the bar.
I need to top off my feed bag.
How much more jolly green can you get? - How much can you spend? - Four grand.
You have four extra grand? Unions really are ruining this country.
I got Choosing Chastity in the science room till 5, so I'll meet you after.
That abstinence-only bullshit? Blow it off.
Can't.
If I split before the movie ends, the hamsters get raped with Sharpies.
The nesting phase.
Hey, am I race-biased, or is this a new Mexican bodyguard? - Brand new.
- Hi.
The cat is Milo, the dog is Otis.
The cat is crazy and the little dog just follows.
Right.
So I'm gonna go now.
Good luck.
Oh, have you seen Andy? He's in the garage working out.
Jump, little dog, jump.
Hey, just in time to spot me.
Is this because you pissed yourself last night? No.
Yes.
Anyway, he cheated.
I could use your help with my Zen baby-erector kit.
Big showdown coming, Nance.
High noon.
I can feel it in my bones.
Where'd you get the box o' pain? What? This is my stuff.
It's my athlete stuff.
It's Judah's.
He was good at sports.
I was good at fleeing.
You know, I have a bodyguard.
I don't need you to crush my foes in your armpit.
Yeah? Well, what do you need from me? The doorbell is barking.
You look like Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect.
You do kind of.
Oh, good.
Just so you know, that's what I was going for.
Celia.
- Nancy.
- What a wonderful surprise.
- Really? - No.
Not wonderful, not a surprise.
- You wanna come in? - Thank you.
It's you.
You, you, you.
It's complicated.
Is that a suitcase? - Yes, it is.
- No.
- I've been thinking.
- You can't stay here.
- You can't stay here.
- You don't know what I was gonna say.
I was kidnapped.
Yes, thank you so much for the ransom.
They were gonna sell my gallbladder to the Japanese.
Fortunately, my body is a toxic pit.
And I escaped.
Heroically.
And now I am homeless.
Celia, I'm pregnant.
- With a baby? - Yes, with a baby.
Which means I need quiet.
And calm.
And thank you.
And happy thoughts around me as much as possible.
And you, Celia, are not quiet, not calm.
You are so terribly, miserably, thoroughly unhappy that if I pricked your finger, you'd bleed a fucking rain cloud.
Is it Andy's? Come on.
Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
This place perfect for any business.
Plenty of room.
- Location's great.
- Not so eager.
You really gotta Jew these slopes down.
Please don't do that.
You want the fish? Buy the fish.
Don't squeeze the fish.
I'm not squeezing the fish.
I'm sniffing.
I have every right to sniff the fish if I'm gonna buy it.
Or rent it.
- We'll take it.
What kind of business you got anyway? It's a compassionate care club.
That gym for fat ladies? Medical marijuana actually.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
You sell pot in here, feds take away my building.
Yeah, well, you eat dogs.
Get the fuck out, ass whore.
Push the seat-back tube down until it snaps into place.
Snap.
Snap.
Snap.
Plastic demon from hell.
Mommy needs to get drunk.
He look little, but he's heavier than a sea turtle.
- What was he doing out there? - Looking in the window.
Maybe waiting to come into the house for you.
- What was he gonna arrest me for? - No arrest.
That's very unsanitary.
No badge.
Today, he's no cop.
Today, he's Rambo.
Wake up.
Remember me, angry little princesa? Help me get him into the bathroom.
- What are you gonna do? - Put him in the tub.
- Because he peed his pants? - Yes.
I'm going to burn his clothes, drain his blood, and melt his bones with acid.
- Oh, right.
- Come on, help me.
Not in my tub.
- What's that thing supposed to be? - Domestic bliss.
Looks like someone shat a Tilt-A-Whirl.
You're the moral center of this family.
Let me ask you something.
Is it okay to impersonate your dead brother and pseudo-steal some money if you're gonna use the cash for the family's greater good? His passport's upstairs in my sock drawer.
If I were you, I'd wear a hat or something.
Resemblance is sort of thin.
And that would be a thumbs up.
Good stuff.
What you doing with all the smokable product there? Selling it to my English teacher.
For the family's greater good, of course, right? Family that tried to ship my ass to Oakland? Sure.
Think that.
Despite the enormous hypocritical elephant in the room I feel compelled to express alarm.
And potentially dismay.
And fear that Silas will kill you.
And regret that your true-north moral compass has gone on the fritz.
What can I say? I'm a Botwin.
We're not responsible for anything we do.
I order you to release me.
I am a federal agent and this man is wanted by the U.
S.
Government.
You untie him, he'll kill me.
You have no badge, Roy.
You're out here all on your own.
I'm undercover.
- What did you do to Sucio? - Who? - The dirty Mexican.
Sorry.
- No, it's true.
He stinks like pig shit.
- He killed my partner.
- Were you gonna hurt me too? He's going to kill you.
He's going to kill me.
He's a killer.
Not me.
I'm nice.
Untie me, I kill him, we go watch Milo and Otis.
No one is killing anyone.
Stop kicking each other.
I'm gonna make you pee your pants again.
- Whose side are you on? - She's on my side.
She making baby with the boss.
What's it like fucking a monster? Don't make fun of my child.
You can't keep us here like this for long.
Who's it gonna be? Hello.
Nancy? You home? Make a sound, I kill you both.
Hey, hey, hey.
You got a boner.
It's a perfectly normal reaction to the adrenaline of combat.
No, no, no.
That's not cool, man.
I don't No.
I don't wanna fight no more with you.
Hi, Nancy.
Okay, well, the door was open so I just Well, not exactly open, but ajar.
All right, mostly it was unlocked.
I've been thinking.
I know you said I couldn't live here, per se in the house proper.
But it is Southern California.
And you do have that nice screen porch back there with a couch.
So Hey, that's fire.
Okay, you know, take it easy.
Take it easy.
Nancy, God.
Hang on a minute.
Okay, Final Net extra hold.
This is cotton.
I am highly flammable right now.
You know what, you're crazy.
You are fucking crazy, and I hate you.
We'll just talk later.
A hundred and eighty-six thousand four hundred and thirty-seven ninety-six? - That's right, Mr.
Botwin.
- Judah.
Call me Judah.
Well, I haven't seen one of these in a long time.
Yeah, well, that little collector's item there was given to my brother and me We both got one.
This one's mine, obviously.
- When my great uncle Yitzhak tripped and accidentally locked himself in a freezer chest.
Interesting note: It's still the only case of hypothermia in Woodland Hills.
Anyway, it was a lot of money for a young boy but I was smart enough to put it aside for a rainy day.
Unlike my stupid brother, who blew his on a '72 Ford Econoline when he needed a place to live one summer.
God, I bet he wishes he didn't do that.
Especially with the amazing growth on that account.
What an asshole.
Well, actually, the growth's been average.
Your grandmother has been adding to it for almost 30 years.
That bitch! I mean, it saddens me that she would so blatantly favor one grandson over another.
Now, about the hold that you put on this account? Listen, I don't know what sort of bullshit he's trying to pull but you tell Judah he's gonna have to come in here and talk to me before he's gonna see dime one of this.
I have been waiting a very, very long time to say my peace to Judah Botwin, and by God, I'm gonna say it.
Now, get him in here.
Judah died.
He's He's dead.
Fast cars, rodent rape, summers off.
Wow, to be you.
You think life is your own private little joke, don't you, Botwin? You know who else used to think that? Your parents.
Before you showed up and shit all over their dreams.
No, nothing shits on my mom's dreams.
Least of all me.
And my dad's dead, but nice try.
Get in, we'll settle up and I'll give you a ride home.
Wow, to be you.
Why can't you just walk away? Why can't you go home, forget about all this? Nothing to go home to.
Nothing and no one.
Not anymore.
I know it's soon, but have you thought about dating? It wouldn't be who you had, but there's someone else out there for you.
My ugly cousin Paulo, he make himself a fuck doll from a tire.
- Someone or something.
- You have to choose, Nancy.
- Who's it gonna be? - No.
I let him go, he kills you.
- I let you go, you kill him.
I can't.
- Come on, Mommy.
Pick your favorite.
Because you're right.
I'll kill him.
It's what I'm living for.
- See.
I tell you.
- Or he'll kill me without blinking.
Then stuff his face and watch movies like nothing happened.
- That's true too.
- Choose.
I can't.
I'm bringing a child into the world.
I'm not ready to sit here and play Buddha and be fucking Zen about who lives or dies.
So we will ask the Magic Ball.
Tell me, Magic Ball can these two men part in peace and live to kill another day? Go on and shake your Magic Ball.
Tell yourself you're so noble because we're both still breathing.
You've got blood on your hands.
Just sign here and here.
Month to month.
Three months down.
Well, now, I was thinking 12-month lease with two months down.
Fine.
I'm really glad you changed your mind.
He beat up my cat.
I like your style.
Just sign the fucking paper already.
- We're in business, partner.
- Partner.
Partners.
Faggots.
He was my first.
My first boyfriend.
My first love.
My first You know.
And then he went away and my life became a bucket of shit.
Well, I feel your bucket.
That was pretty smart, pretending to be Judah.
Estate taxes, probate, drain the whole account.
Well, maybe you could help me out.
I don't know.
I could get fired.
Of course, the bank is closing anyway.
Downsizing, recession.
You sort of look like him.
You have the same kind eyes.
Tell me more about my eyes.
All right, here's the deal.
You go out with me and I'll get you into that account.
I was gonna ask you out anyway.
Only it has to be as Judah.
You're Judah and I'm me.
And you have to love me and treat me nice.
Well, there's nothing weird about that.
Yeah.
Sure, Margaret.
Whatever you say.
Mags.
Judah calls me Mags.
Are you all right? As I see it, yes.
It is certain.
It is decidedly so.
Most likely.
Outlook good.
Signs point to yes.
Without a doubt.
Reply hazy, try again.
Ask again later.
Better not tell you now.
Cannot predict now.
Don't count on it.
My reply is no.
My sources say no.
Outlook not so good.
Very doubtful.
So no.
Not all right.
What's gonna happen in there it's not right or wrong.
It's not good or bad.
It is.
It's what happens next.
We chose.
You and I.
When we came together, we chose.
A life.
This life.
For you, for me, for our son.
There is nothing I will not do to protect that life.