Family Guy s05e05 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us - Damn it! - Peter, are you all right? No.
No, I think you should call somebody.
- Ma'am, are you all right? - I can't breathe.
Oh, God! I think she punctured a lung.
Oh, damn it, look at my foot.
It's already starting to swell up.
Yeah, I'm looking forward to this week.
Freaking swelled foot all week.
You know, we should You should probably go ahead and shut that off.
- Well, hey, Quagmire.
How was Florida? - Oh, it was great.
And guess what, I smuggled a whole bunch of fireworks back in my anus.
Quagmire, fireworks aren't illegal here.
You could have just put them in your car and driven them up here.
Oh, yeah, that's just as fun.
All right, Meg, you be David Koresh, and I'll be a heavy-handed FBI agent.
Go! Hey, you, you're a crazy person, come out of there, you! Quagmire, check it out.
I took 10 M-80s and stuck them all together.
I call it Peter Griffin's bunker-busting, mega-ultra super Holy crap! Oh, my God! You blew off all your fingers.
What happened? Oh, my God! You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sort of out of juice over here.
Bone dry.
- There's one of Dad's fingers.
- We have to hurry.
I learned in biology, if you get them back soon enough, they can be reattached.
What's all the commotion? Hey, there's one of them.
Peter, look out! Go on, Jesse.
Make your peeps and poops.
That's gonna feel good for Jesse.
Damn it! Maybe if we make it mad, it will come down here, and we can catch it and get the finger.
Hey, bird! Your poop is white and green.
You're the laughingstock of the poop world.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
I knew that would get you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Come here, you little son of a bitch! Come here! Stop it! Stop pecking me! - Thanks, Joe.
- Let's plant a knife on him just to be safe.
- Good thinking.
- Yeah, I know how these things go down.
Hey, there, we were supposed to have brunch this morning.
- Oh, yeah, sorry, I had a late night.
- Late night, huh? - What's her name, Brian? - What are you talking about? Oh, spare me the theatrics.
I see the signs, the excuses for why we can't hang out, the inside-out collar.
If I didn't recognize what was going on here, I would have to be as dim as those retirees I entertain every Thursday.
There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There is a hole in the bottom of the sea There's a hole, there's a hole there's a hole in the bottom of the sea All right, we're getting a little faster here now.
And you know what? I think there is something else down there in the bottom of the sea.
Something that you will be able to relate to.
There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There is a tube in the throat of the elderly man in the hospital bed On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There's a hole, there's a hole there's a hole in the bottom of the sea Oh, what is this? There's a birthday cake for Mr.
Cohen On the frog on the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea There's a birthday cake for Mr.
Cohen in the hole in the bottom of the sea Get a nurse.
There's a hole, there's a hole there's a hole in the bottom of the sea Look, Brian, I think it's wonderful you found a young lady willing to stoop to your level.
When do I get to meet her? No, no.
No way.
Oh, I see, I get it, she's hideous.
- She's not hideous.
- Oh! Well, let me ask you something.
- Does she have an alibi? - For what? Why would she need an alibi? So, you're saying she does not have an alibi.
Well, no.
Okay, so, we've established she ain't got no alibi.
She ugly She ugly U- G-L-Y she ain't got no alibi, she ugly Screw off.
'"M'" she's major ugly '"O'" she is fat and pugly Oh, my God, now the cow says moo - Here's to Peter getting his fingers back.
- Thanks, Joe.
Oh, boy, I tell you I haven't felt this good since I came up with that new place to hide my porn.
Have a good day, sweetie.
- Hey, Greg.
- Afternoon, Mr.
Griffin.
- Mrs.
Griffin out today? - Shopping.
She's hot.
All right, last call, fellows.
It's closing time.
Oh, crap! I'm not even half-buzzed.
Hey, what do you guys say we take this party on the road? Fine by me.
Skinemax doesn't kick in with the really dirty stuff till about 3:00 anyway.
They had one on last night where the girl had a butt-face, but her breasts was immaculate.
Peter, you sure it's okay to be at the brewery after hours? Relax, Joe, this is where I work.
Besides, it sure beats the hell out of last Saturday when we partied with that big-horned guy from Legend.
You guys wanna go to IHOP, get some breakfast or something? God, I don't know, big-horned guy, it's like 3:00 a.
m.
Oh, that sucks, man! I'm wide awake.
Hey, Quagmire, you want Oh, my God! I'm sorry! I'm sorry, man! - Are you okay? - No! I didn't see him.
Okay.
Okay, guys, here's one.
If you were God, who would you strike down first? Debra Messing.
I find her insufferable.
French Stewart.
What are you squinting about? It's not even that bright.
Yeah, he is terrible.
What we need out there now is another Tim Daly.
- Who's Tim Daly? - I don't even know who that is.
- From Wings.
- Nope.
Tim Daly, he was on Wings.
What, nobody here watched Wings? Is that the one where there is a guy and he's like He's a pilot or something? No, it's two guys, they are brothers, and they are both pilots.
Hey, wasn't there a fat guy with a mustache? That was Roy, he's hilarious.
Was this a cartoon? No Oh, my God! No! No! It took place in an airport! The thing was on for 10 years! And the funny repair guy was Lowell.
It made Tony Shalhoub's career! - Who? - The tennis player? You know what, screw you guys.
I don't even know you.
Crazy people, living under a rock, don't know Wings.
I love Wings.
All right, I want to be very clear about this.
You can meet her, chat for a minute, and that's it.
In and out.
Don't worry, Brian, if she is as ugly as I think she is, I'll look at her once, and then I'll go All over the place.
Then you'll wipe it up, and then we will go.
Hi, Brian.
Oh, my God! Who is your cute little friend? Oh, my! Hello.
Stewie.
Charmed.
I'm Jillian, come on in.
Who wants a drink? So, are you gonna take back what you said? - Brian, she's stunning.
- Okay, you met her.
You can scram now.
I shall do no such thing.
Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her? Oh, my God, Brian.
I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler.
Somebody should stop him.
- Is she retarded? - Can you please leave now? Oh, now I get it, she's a moron.
But a moron with large breasts you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
Shut up, that's not it at all.
Say, Jillian, I love what you have done with the place.
What is it? One bedroom, one bath? - No, it's a whole apartment.
- Oh, God, outstanding! So, Stewie, do you work with Brian at the detective agency? Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.
At the detective agency.
That's got to be a tough job.
I know Brian's work has him coming and going at all hours of the night.
- I bet it does.
I bet it does.
- Okay, well, Stewie has to go now.
What are you talking about? I want some more of Jillian's delicious lemonade.
I know.
It's good, right? I just wish they didn't have to kill so many lemons to make it.
Oh, this is fun, huh? So, wait, Dupree moves in with Kate Hudson and Matt Dillon? But they're newlyweds, right? Well, that's no time to have a house guest.
Got to go.
Sorry, Angela, every Tuesday morning I call my friend Cleveland, and he describes every scene from You, Me and Dupree.
Griffin, your work output this week is even worse than usual.
Where the hell are those purchase orders? Yeah, it's this bum hand.
I can't type with it.
Well, that's not my problem.
I need to see some improvement by the end of the week, - or you're finished.
- Don't worry, I'll figure something out.
Oh, that's going to be Quagmire with Along Came Polly.
I got to take that.
All right, so as you know, by this point in the story, Ben Stiller doesn't like spicy food.
- Well, guess what's for dinner! - No way.
Boy, Lois, thanks so much for coming in and helping me get my work done.
Without you, Angela would have been all over my case.
Oh, it's all right, Peter, I know it's tough for you to work with your hand injury.
Hey, you know, with you sitting there, it's kind of like you're my secretary.
Well, let's not get carried away, Peter.
Now please, I'm trying to finish your work.
You know, Lois, if I'm your boss, I got to look like a boss.
Finally, I have a reason to wear this big bow tie and cigar I bought at the Dress For Success store.
- Peter, if you want this work to get done - Lois, take a letter.
Dear Life Cereal, where do you get off? "Part of a balanced breakfast and delicious"? Who do you think you are? By now, you may have guessed I'm speaking ironically and have nothing but good things to say about what you do.
Life Cereal, do not change a thing.
Signed, Peter Griffin, dictated but not read.
Lois, read that back to me.
Oh, hey, Brian, back from a hot booty call with your idiot girlfriend.
You know, think what you want, but you don't see the side of Jillian that I do.
Face it, Brian, she is dumber than a Boston-area book report.
The novel I chose to address is Oliver Twist by Charles Dickens.
Queer name, right? The book was actually not bad.
For your information, Jillian is very bright, and she happens to be a very talented photographer.
Oh, that is so lame.
Every hot girl who can aim a camera thinks she is a photographer.
You took a black and white picture of a lawn chair and its shadow and developed it at Savon, you must be so brooding and deep.
Knock it off.
No, I want to know, Brian, what specifically do you talk about? A lot of things.
Food, the new seat covers she just got for her Jetta.
- Real World/Road Rules Challenge.
- You hate MTV.
Pot helps.
Look, you know, I don't have to justify anything to you, all right? All that matters, is Jillian and I have a great time together, we make each other laugh.
Fine, but just tell me this, Brian, does she laugh on her own or does she laugh only when you laugh? I thought so.
Hey, yeah.
You got to hit DVD and then menu and then select.
Yeah.
Yeah, the DVD needs to be face up when you put it in.
You should be able to see the words Mr.
3000 Yeah.
Still nothing? Is it plugged in? Okay, so plug it in.
Okay, you got it? Okay, all right.
No problem, all right.
All right.
Love you, too, Jilly bean.
Okay.
- What? - Nothing, I didn't say anything.
I need a drink.
Hey, Jilly bean.
Hey, it's Brian again.
So, yeah.
So I figured we could get together tonight and maybe do all those things sexually that we usually do.
What were those again? No way, gross.
I mean No.
Yeah, I totally love how that feels.
Hi.
You know, I've been noticing you around the steno pool.
You look good enough for a promotion.
- Peter, cut it out.
- Hey, that's no way to talk to your boss.
- Is that Pert? - You know it is.
Smell my Speed Stick.
- Peter, what the hell are you doing? - Lois, I'm going to come right out with it.
I think it would be so hot for you and me to have sex in my office.
Oh, my God! There is no way that is going to happen.
You know, it's no wonder you are so far behind in your work if this is the way you behave at the office.
Come on, just touch it.
Touch yours.
Peter, no.
I have work to do so you can keep your job.
Oh, look at me, I'm Lois, I'm a worker, I make stuff on things.
Oh, I'll file these later.
Oh, I got a phone.
Nope, that's it.
Jeez, Lois, I thought having you here was going to be fun, but so far you are a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
Oh, man, this is the best party I have ever been to.
Evening, everyone.
I thought it would be very droll if we all sat down and looked at etchings.
- Would you like to join me, Peter? - Well, we are kind of partying here.
Good, hold this up.
Now, here is a fellow attempting to ride a bicycle, but he is having some trouble, isn't he? - Would you like to know why? - Why? Because he is a Scot.
Now, who here likes a good story about a bridge? What the hell? Jillian, what are you doing here? Oh! Hi, Brian.
It was so nice of you to invite your girlfriend over for dinner.
I invited her for dinner? Yes, you did.
You wanted her to meet the family.
Now, come here, Brian.
Come sit by your friend Stewie.
And then think about this, have you ever seen the sun and the moon in the same place at the same time? - They're the same person.
- I know, right? - You're brilliant.
- Hey, Oogy! So tell us, Oogy, where did you find this one, huh? You two meet at a Mensa meeting? No, at a Quiznos.
We both ordered the Turkey Ranch and Swiss, no onions.
Can you believe that? No.
Wow! What are the odds? Well, hey, what are the odds of finding true love anywhere in the world, says this observer.
Hey, you want to know something cool? I threw up a lot in high school, so I don't get my period anymore.
Wow, this is the one you have been waiting for, huh, Brian? Are you serious? Are you serious, Brian? You know what, Lois, don't judge, because you don't know what two people are like when they are alone.
Come on, let's go out dancing.
I don't know.
I'm feeling kind of cozy tonight, kind of mellow.
I just really want to go dance.
There it is again, what is that? So, Jillian, what are your views regarding Homeland Security? Do you think we should support what the President is doing? Well, I just think, for starters, that sometimes the government has things they can't tell us.
And truthishly, we should just accept that.
Okay, good night, everyone.
Oh, say, Jillian, before you go, I forget, do you know what the capital of this state is? Rhode Island City? It's like she's fucking five.
Thanks for hanging out with my friends, Brian.
Hey, come on, we're a legitimate couple, right? So, then the valet pulls up, and I'm all, "That is so not my car," but then it totally was.
- That's happened to me.
- Me, too.
Cars go fast.
Oh, God, yeah, I'll tell you, if I had a nickel for every time that happened.
- Yeah? - What? What if you had a nickel for every time that happened? - No, nothing, it's just an expression.
- A what? Well, I was just saying, I do my share of dopey stuff, like Oh, this This one time I attended a speaker's colloquium on federal judgeships, and without realizing it, I kept calling William Rehnquist "William Rinequist.
" God! I mean Anyone else have to go to the little girl's room? I have new gloss.
- I love gloss.
- Gloss rhymes with hair.
Dude, that was painful.
- What are you doing here? Did you follow us? Brian, why can't you just admit what's going on here? Okay, okay, fine, fine.
I'm gonna have to break it off.
But, boy, it's going to be tougher than the reviews for Our American Cousin.
"Lincoln assassinated Tragedy for our republic " Oh, look, " Ably performed by the entire ensemble.
" - That's us.
- That's all of us.
Morning, Lois, I need you to proofread this and collate it for me.
Peter, did you Xerox your penis? Three-hundred times.
It's a flip book.
Flip through it or you're fired.
Oh, my God! This is disgusting.
Peter, for the last time, I'm not having sex with you in this office.
Why the hell are you pushing this so hard? Because, Lois, I already wrote the letter to Penthouse Forum, and I don't want to be made a liar in the nudie magazine of reckon.
All right, if I give you 30 seconds of making out, will that shut you up? Let's see where it goes.
Oh, God! You know this is pretty hot.
Yeah, what did I tell you, huh? Oh, God, Peter, let's do it.
Let's do it right here, right now.
Lois.
Lois, wait.
Wait! Opie's right there.
I want him to look, Peter.
Well, that is the last of it.
You are now all caught up with your work.
Lois, I really appreciate you helping me out this week, and I really appreciate you having sex with me in my office.
Well, that was my pleasure, too, Peter.
Hey, I knew I would get you, just like Danny DeVito got Rhea Perlman.
- I don't know, Danny.
- Look, it's either me or nobody.
Sold.
All right, Brian, you can do this.
You can dump her.
Because once it's done, never again will you have to listen to her talk like this? You know, where everything has a question mark at the end of it? With an upward inflection at the end of every sentence? Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking? Oh, damn it.
Now I'm doing it, too.
Oh, hey, Oogy! Oh, you look tense.
Well, Jillian, there is something we need to talk about.
What is it? I just wanted to spend some time with you.
What the hell? It took you three hours to break up with her? - Not exactly.
- Well, what were you doing in there? What's that smell? Smells like sweat and anger and shame.
Yup.
Life is confusing when you grow up, isn't it, Brian? - It is.
- Can we play my mix tape? Yeah, go ahead.
Brian had sex with a really dumb girl Now he's taking his friend Stewie to get some ice cream In his car Oh, you're a poor sport.