Frasier s05e05 Episode Script

-Hey, howareyou, Doc?The usual? - Please.
- I'll have my usual too.
- And thatwould be? I come in every day.
You must remember.
My usual is a half-caf cappuccino - with a light dusting of - Nutmeg.
- Cinnamon.
- Got it.
God, that's infuriating.
- I come here as often as you do.
- Don't take it to heart.
This person remembers me best.
The next person might Oh, my God, you're Frasier Crane! - Could I bother you for an autograph? - No, you can't.
It's never a bother.
- I love your show.
- Thank you.
I think you're the smartest guy on Earth.
Well, one does hear tales of a certain wise man in Tibet, but why split hairs? - There you are.
- Thanks.
Where was l? You were last seen hiking up Mount Ego.
Enough.
You've yapped about it all morning.
It's a stupid rule, and it's foreigners who suffer for it.
Another drive on the wrong side ofthe road? No.
It's about my friend Xena.
You don't want to hear about it.
Hey, Dad.
- Xena.
The Greek woman? - Yes.
We're planning a trip together.
Her mother's taking a cruise, and her ship will dock in Mazatlan for a week.
She's invited us to join her, only I can't go because my bloody passport's expired.
Don't give up hope.
We'll get you across that border.
If I have to, I'll snuggle you under an old blanket.
- Don't you mean smuggle? - I'm using code language.
You can't be too careful.
- There you go.
- Thank you.
- Ma'am? - Thanks.
I've already ordered.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
You had the - Absent-minded waiter.
I'll get it myself.
Roz called to remind you about your meeting with the station manager.
Yes, that.
He probably wants to discuss my 1,000th radio broadcast.
- It's next week.
- You've done a thousand shows? Yes.
If I know the station manager, he'll want to mark it with a gaudy celebration/ press, parties, God knows what.
No, I've never gone in for that self-congratulatory hoopla.
- The work is the thing for me.
- Still, a thousand shows.
- That's quite an achievement.
- I suppose.
- Who'd have thought? - Not me, that's for damn sure.
Yeah, those first two weeks, p.
u.
! Open a window.
All right! - Hey, morning, Roz.
- Morning, Bulldog.
Oh, my gosh! Look what Frasier got for me.
He's so cute.
"Dear Roz, a huggy bear for the mom-to-be.
Love Bulldog"? I guess I shoulda known you'd think it was from Frasier.
- I'm so sorry, Bulldog.
- It's OK.
I'm not the warmest guy in the world, but when it comes to kids I get kinda Oh, Bulldog, come here.
Come here.
Whoa, you're gonna make a good mother, Roz.
Thank you, Bulldog.
That's so sweet.
Bulldog? - Oh, get off me! - What? You wanted to hug because my breasts are bigger! No, I was just trying to feel a little kick.
Get out! Pervert! Morning, Roz.
I got you one ofthose muffins you love.
You're not getting a hug! I see those mood swings have levelled off nicely.
I'll just go and have that meeting with Greg.
It's cancelled.
He wanted to talk about your 1,000th show, - but I ran into him and I handled it.
- All right, let me have it.
What kind of a circus am I in for? I suppose a garish outdoor rally Iike the one they gave for Bob and Nipsy over at KTLK? I told him just what you said, about how the work is its own reward.
So you're off the hook.
- They're not doing anything? - Nope.
Well, well done, Roz.
That's a relief.
Although I'm not sure I'm being quite fair to you, you see.
I did hear that after that rally, Bob and Nipsy's ratings went up 30 per cent.
The producer got a handsome raise.
And you, with the little one coming - Well, it's too late now.
- Right.
Can't be helped.
Best to just leave it alone.
Still there is the benefit to the station.
What's good for KACL is good for all of us.
That's true.
I suppose you could call Greg and tell him I'd be willing, for your sake and the station's, to submit to a small, tasteful, Iow-key public rally.
I just want to renew my passport.
No, I'm a resident alien here from England.
You know, the country that used to own you people? You'll go right to the head ofthe line now.
I can't wait two weeks.
Myfriend Xena's flying down to meet her mum's ship Sunday.
Don't you put me on hold again! I'll hang up! I mean it! I showed him! Well, it's official.
My 1,000th show is now an event.
- What's going on? - Oh, nothing short of a media circus with you-know-who in the centre ring.
They're planning a promotional blitzkrieg, capped off by a public rally in my honour at the foot ofthe Space Needle.
Wow! That's great! You must be thrilled.
Of course I'm flattered.
I'm just a little bit embarrassed.
I'd be content with a pat on the back and an ice cream.
Dad, they've asked ifyou might say a few words at the rally.
You don't have to ifyou'd be nervous.
Oh, no problem.
I can't tell ya how many retirement dinners I've spoken at.
I've still got my old joke book, and Thigh-Slappers.
I'm sure you're a veritable chiropractor of mirth, but I think they're looking for something just a bit more personal.
Hello? All right, Roz, slow down.
Oh, good Lord, the mayor? Well, has Frasier Fever swept all the way to City Hall? Well! All right, Roz, I'll see you tomorrow.
- The mayor's going to be there? - Yes.
And not just be there, he's going to present me with a key to the city.
And he's going to proclaim it Frasier Crane Day in Seattle.
Way to go, kid! Who can this be? Some mechanic from the Vatican with my Pope Mobile? - Niles! - Frasier, dinner's on me.
I got some very good news today.
Your brother just got some good news, too.
Not so good as mine, I suspect.
First, I have to apologise for being snippy this morning.
I felt eclipsed lately, but that vanished when I reached my office for what was waiting on my desk but a gift from the self-esteem fairy.
The American Journal of Psychiatry.
I refer you to the Letters page.
Third one down.
"Dear Sirs, Dr Egmont Sanderling's recent article on Trichotillomania contained several errors.
" "He should read the ground-breaking work on the subject by Dr Alan Caldwell, Dr Milo Lauderstein" Skip to the end.
"Dr Geraldine Fennelly and Dr Niles Crane.
" Not too shabby, eh? That's quite an accolade.
Yes, I had no idea you were such a well-known expert on the thing the letter mentioned.
And the way they saved you for last so you stand out.
Nothing to kick away the clouds like a heady sip from the goblet of fame.
I told Jean-Claude to start my victory martini-shaking - at precisely eight o'clock.
- Offwe go then.
You had some news yourself.
Do tell.
Well, let's just wait for that martini, shall we? Happy Frasier Crane Day.
Or is it Merry Frasier Crane Day? I can never remember.
- Very amusing.
- I'll have a half-caf cappuccino.
Sorry I'm late.
I stopped halfway to listen to a jolly band of Frasier Crane Day carollers.
I tried to join in on The Twelve Days ofFrasier, but forgot the words around day seven.
How does it go again? I believe it's "seven snobs a-sniping.
" Snipe away.
I take your jealousy as the compliment that it is.
A little affectionate joshing doesn't mean I'm jealous.
- I'm nothing but happy for you.
- Thank you, Niles.
You know, I'm just a touch skittish today.
All this fuss over me.
Say, is it possible to get these two to go? We're not due at the Space Needle for an hour.
I thought a walk might do us good.
Get a little exercise.
Then maybe I can stroll away my jitters.
OK, I could use the fresh air.
I feel a tad sluggish.
- Up late last night? - I'm afraid so.
As usual, I left it to the last minute to write all my Frasier Crane Day cards.
What a lovely day.
I'm so glad we decided to walk.
- I feel calmer already.
- Hey, Doc, way to go! I'm listening! I just hope Dad doesn't get too nervous about his speech today.
I've been giving him little tips all week.
As Daphne tells it, you wrote the whole thing for him.
I did no such thing! I added a bon mot or two, tidied up the language, removed any questionable material.
- Not a word of his left, is there? - Not a comma.
I'm listening! Here's a tip.
The ones with cameras are tourists.
They have no idea who you are, much less why you're listening.
The man clearly waved to me first.
- He didn't wave at you.
- He did.
- He was waving - Why are you even objecting? for a cab to get away from the scary "listening" man.
I love this place.
Here you can feel the pulse of the city.
You know what I think when I see all these people here bustling about? Low turnout over at Frasier Crane Day? No.
I think that they're the reason I love this city.
- Stop waving.
- Nothing wrong with being friendly.
There is a difference between friendly and making a spectacle ofyourself.
That man tried to assault me with a fish! Niles, get a grip! For God's sake, you become hysterical over the littlest things.
My suede shoes.
You've spilled latte over them! They're ruined! I'm sorry.
And it was a half-caf cappuccino.
Why can no one remember that? I'll have to replace them.
I'll look foolish otherwise.
Never have I heard such caterwauling over a pair of shoes.
I spent a bundle on these.
They're Joan and David.
- You named them? - Oh, shut up! Well, these are quite handsome, even if they're just a bit snug.
You can go back.
There's a pair you didn't try on.
Nonsense.
We weren't in there that long.
Oh, God, the rally's about to start.
Give me your phone.
I'll call Roz.
- Here you go.
- Thank you.
Hello? Frasier, do you know what time it is? Where the hell are you? We're on the air in two minutes! I'm sorry.
I was involved in a small accident.
I'm fine.
Just start without me.
We'll take a cab.
- We'll have better luck at the corner.
- Right.
Niles, wait! Too many fans that way.
I'll be mobbed.
We're better off cutting over one block through that alley.
Frasier's running late, I've got to use you first, OK? Yeah, sure, OK.
Geez, I was hopin' for a little more time.
I haven't even looked at the stuff Frasier wrote for me.
Good afternoon, everyone, and welcome also to our radio listeners.
I'm Roz Doyle, and I'd like to thank you all for helping us congratulate Dr Frasier Crane.
We've got a full programme Stop worrying.
Dr Crane's a very good writer.
Look at this.
I'll die up there with this crap.
Sadly, our guest ofhonour has been detained, but we do have the next best thing, his dad, Martin Crane.
Thanks, Roz.
Good afternoon.
and asked if I would put him through medical school.
I agreed to pay for it, but remarked, "I should have my head examined.
" Frasier replied, "Give me eight years, and I'll do it for you.
" It was a hard eight years for Frasier, but as someone once quipped, "A good psychiatrist never shrinks from a challenge.
" Oh, geez For God's sake, Niles, come out of there.
Our mugger specifically instructed us to wait for five minutes.
If he'd intended us to time it exactly, he wouldn't have taken our watches! All right, calm down.
I can see you're new to this whole mugging thing.
I can't believe I'm missing my own rally.
These shoes are killing me! They're like the work of a skilled Chinese footbinder.
Niles, give me your phone.
I'll have Roz send us a car.
What do you think the mugger reached into my breast pocket for? The only consolation is he jabbed himself on my emergency sewing kit.
Niles, a pay phone! It's not much use to us unless we can find a quarter.
Niles, look.
You cannot be serious.
You want to rob that poor old man? - We'll pay him back.
- He's blind.
I know.
It's the first break we've had today.
I'll distract him.
Good afternoon! Sounding lovely.
- Stop! Thief! - Dear God, run! I'd like to thank Frasier Crane for his friendship Excuse me, Mayor Rice? - Yes? - I have a small bone to pick with you.
I can't say I care for the way your city treats us poor aliens.
- You're an alien? - Daphne Moon.
You see, my friend Xena and l She's an alien too want to get to Mazatlan to meet her mother's ship.
- Her mothership? - Yes.
From what I hear, it's quite spectacular.
I'm sure it is.
Go with these two gentlemen.
- They can take care ofyou.
- Well, thank you very much.
- Hello.
Do you two work for the mayor? - Yes.
I suppose I should know that already.
You see, I'm a bit psychic.
Stop, Niles! Stop! I can't go on any longer.
My feet are killing me.
We lost 'em.
Most ofthem dropped out after the first corner, but that short one with the pigtails was a regular gazelle.
Look, it's even farther away than it was before.
Frasier, the Monorail! It goes to the Space Needle.
Let's go! Welcome to the Seattle Monorail.
- Do you think anyone saw us sneak on? - I think we're all right.
I hate to say it, but it was sort of exciting, flouting the law like that.
It gives you some idea of why outlaws are always such romantic figures.
You might have cut a more dashing figure had you vaulted the turnstile and not crawled underneath.
I'm surprised the trains are even running on Frasier Crane Day.
Yes, well, with any luck we'll still catch the last 20 minutes ofthe rally.
Though how I'll explain my lateness, I have no idea.
I certainly can't tell them about the fish, the little girls.
I can make something up, I suppose.
Any suggestions? - The train stopped.
- That's not very original.
No, Frasier, the train stopped.
people to be open about it.
What's going on? Excuse me, what's happening? Electrical problem ahead.
We're going back.
What? But those people are waiting for me.
- They're so close.
- I guess it just isn't your day.
But it is my day! - Don't panic, Frasier.
- Oh, don't panic? Yes, why should I panic? I'm only missing a celebration in my own honour, making me a laughing stock.
And why? - You spilled coffee on my shoes! - You're blaming me? Ifyou had the gripping ability every species above the tree sloth has You should think back on the 45 minutes you and your ego spent in that shoe store trying on every pair of shoes! - Are you calling me vain? - lfthe Joan and David fits! I don't even know why I'm yelling at you.
I guess I'm just trying to blame you because I don't want to face the truth.
I'm a big fat phoney.
I wanted my day.
I wanted hoopla and fuss.
I practically planned the whole thing myself.
- You did? - Yes.
Says a lot about me as a psychiatrist, doesn't it? I'm a small man.
Well, what does it say about me that I was happy seeing you miss your day? - You were? - Of course.
I've been jealous ofyou all week.
I'm a tiny man.
- Next to me, you're a giant.
- I stare up at your ankles.
- I'd need a stepladder just to - Let's not do this.
You shouldn't feel guilty, Frasier.
Everyone deserves a fuss.
You above all.
You've helped a lot of people.
They deserve a chance to thank you for it.
Thank you, Niles.
Dr Crane is on his way and should be here any minute.
There it goes.
Goodbye, fuss.
Goodbye, day.
I hesitate to say this, but you still have time Stop it! Don't you dare get my hopes up! That ship has sailed, that fat lady has Taxi! Taxi! - Oh, damn! I give up.
- Well, I don't.
This is your day, and if I can get you there for a curtain call, I will.
I still have the blind man's quarter.
I'll call a cab.
Thank you, Niles.
You're a good brother.
- Hey! Did I hear you yellin' for a cab? - Yes! - I can take you if you want.
- Are you serious? - Yes.
- Niles! Niles, let's go! Come on! - What about your friend? - Oh, he'll be all right.
He's got street smarts.
- Where are we going? - The Space Needle, please.
No problem.
Should be there in five minutes.
That's the first good news I've heard all day.
I've been having a pretty rough day myself.
Yeah.
My ex-wife is getting remarried tomorrow.
In Pennsylvania yet.
- You goin' to that rally over there? - As a matter of fact, I am.
Told her I'd come to the wedding, but I've been getting cold feet.
Better make up my mind soon, though.
My plane leaves in a few hours.
They don't give you any bargains on those last-minute tickets either.
Maybe this isn't the best time to tell you but I'll have to owe you for this ride.
Don't worry about it.
Probably never should have gotten married in the first place.
We were young.
Had a few good years, though.
Well, that's something, at least.
At least the kids will be there tomorrow.
- Kids? - Son and a daughter.
I don't see 'em much.
They went with their mom when we divorced.
Of course, I think I'm more excited about seein' them - than they are about seein' me.
- Why would you say that? Just a feeling.
I didn't make much of my life back when Marie and I were together.
Turned it around, though.
I own this car.
Well, it's a nice one.
The hardest part is, if I do go, I have to see my in-laws.
They were never too crazy about me.
This new guy Marie is marrying is supposed to be some kind of big success.
I don't know what I'd say to any of them.
Part of me thinks I'd just be better off leaving the whole thing alone.
- And part ofyou doesn't.
- I'd like to see my kids.
Especially now they're getting a new dad.
Hell of a choice, huh? You know, sometimes difficult choices like these can be good things.
They can teach us about who we are.
I've bent your ear enough about this.
Besides, we're here.
Oh, don't worry about me.
I've got plenty of time.
- Tell me more about your kids.
- All right.
- I'm John, by the way.
- I'm Frasier.
So long, Seattle, we love you!