Home Improvement s05e05 Episode Script

- Hi, guys! - Hey, Mom.
OK, clear off the refrigerator for the "A" I got on my Psych test.
You said grades didn't matter.
You said the important thing was learning.
I was wrong.
Now, both of you go up and study.
I want your grades as good as mine.
But you also said that in this family we shouldn't compete.
I was wrong again.
- Hi.
- Oh, hi, honey.
Notice anything different on the refrigerator? Someone took down the coupon for a free lube job.
No! I got an "A" on my Psychology test.
You didn't throw away the coupon, did you? Here is your stupid coupon.
- Hey, Randy.
- Hey, Dad.
- When is Michelle coming over? - Any minute now.
I hope her dad gets here quick.
Bert's helping me with the independent suspension.
Oh, well, that's good, because a dependent suspension can be so needy.
In my Psychology class that would've gotten a huge laugh.
And yet here in the kitchen - death.
Here.
You and Michelle have been seeing a lot of each other.
I guess.
I think she really likes you.
What do you think? I think I don't want to talk about this with my mother.
- Oh, come on! - Sorry, Mom.
I'm past the age where you give me a cookie and I spill my guts.
I loved those days.
Hey, look, look, look.
- I've got chocolate chocolate chip.
- Give it up, Mom.
Well, at least I still have Mark.
Oh, hey, honey.
You want a cookie? Forget it.
I'm not spilling my guts.
You think your mom's weird? My mom was driving the car pool, she sang this weird song: "Do Wah Diddy.
" Yeah.
Must've been from when she was a teenager in the 30s.
That's nothing.
Remember at the seventh grade dance the chaperone who started doing the Funky Chicken with the principal? Oh, man! You got the Funky Chicken mom? # There he goes just a-walking down the street # Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do Your mom is weirder.
# Snapping his fingers and shuffling his feet # Singing do wah diddy diddy dum diddy do - Mom.
- # He looked good - Mom! - What? - We're gonna head on over to the mall.
- You want a ride? No, thanks.
We can "do wah diddy" without one.
So, did you decide on an engine yet? Are you gonna go with a big block? - No.
I decided on a flat head.
- Flat head? Taylor, you are an animal.
I have you pegged as a big-block guy, you surprise me with a flat head.
- Well, I like to keep you on your toes, Bert.
- Usually you're dropping things on 'em.
Don't quit your day job, OK? Let's do the rack and pinion, then try to get to the brakes.
- OK.
I'm really glad we're doing this today.
- You like hanging with "The Tool Man"? - Especially when my in-laws are visiting.
- Been there.
Dana, she really gets crazy when her parents are around.
Not as crazy as my wife, boy! When her parents come to visit, she's a psycho.
They're not running on all cylinders.
They're, like, a couple pistons shy of a V-8.
What do you mean, Tim? Huh? Honey, I'm Bert was telling me about his wife, I wanted to make him feel a better.
So I made up stories about your wonderful, understanding, lovely parents.
- Bert didn't say his wife was crazy.
- Yes, I did.
Dana, she's a total nut case when her parents are around.
She spends the whole time trying to make her daddy happy.
Whoa! Do I sense a little hostility there? Well, she lets him run her entire life.
- He's a vet.
So she became a vet.
- Yeah? What branch? Army, Navy, what? Animal.
You know, Bert, I was just reading something about this.
Maybe your wife hasn't individuated from her father.
- Individuated? - No, no, no, no, no! Time out.
I've told you, psychology has no place in the garage, just like a car does not belong on a shrink's couch.
OK? Unless the car is in denial and has a big block to work through.
That would've killed in Psychology class.
And yet here in the garage - death.
Can we get back to this individuated thing? What is that? It's a two-hour discussion that'll suck the life out of ya.
It's an over-attachment to one's parents that continues through adulthood.
Here we go.
Was your wife an only child, by any chance? - Yeah.
As a matter of fact, she is.
- Well, then, could be a classic case.
- Really? - Yeah.
If this is a problem in your relationship, you should talk with your wife.
I've brought it up before.
Every time it ends up in a big fight.
- I should just leave well enough alone.
- That's good advice for anyone, Jill.
- Avoidance is never a good idea.
- Really? - Maybe we should talk more about this.
- Sure.
You want a cookie? - Is something wrong? - Yeah.
You know how I was so cool in junior high? No.
Well, I was.
But now that I'm in high school, I'm nobody.
Well, here comes Mom.
Why don't you grab a cookie and talk to her about it? I'd rather talk to the cookie.
Hi.
I'm Dana, Bert's wife.
I'm just here to pick him up.
Oh, come on in.
It's so nice to meet you.
Bert was just talking about you.
- Nothing bad, I hope.
- Oh, no.
Good, good, good, good.
Just pull down that sway bar.
We would've been at this job an hour and a half ago had you not spent most of the time with Mrs.
Freud.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dana, this is my husband, Tim.
Tim, this is Dana, Bert's wife.
- Nice to meet you.
- Good to meet you.
Ready to go, hon? We're just getting started on this.
I'm sorry.
But we gotta pick up Michelle at the mall, and meet Mom and Dad.
They really want to make the early-bird dinner.
Great.
Another night of your dad telling that stupid joke.
"Hey, Bert.
How about an early-Bert dinner?" Oh, boy! That's not very funny, is it? It'd be a lot less funny if your name were Bob.
Well, we'll finish up later.
I'm so sorry that having dinner with my father is such torture for you.
Well, it is.
And it's all because you haven't individuated from your father.
Oh, boy! - What? - Jill, she explained the whole thing to me.
How your over-attachment to your father is poisoning our marriage.
You know, I think that Tim was wrong about that "early-Bert" joke.
Yeah, it'd be just as funny with Bob.
"What about an early-Bob dinner?" - Funny, funny stuff.
- "Bob dinner.
" How could you talk about our private life with a stranger? For your information, Dana, Jill happens to be a highly-respected psychologist.
- Well, technically, I'm not a psychologist.
- Well, technically, what are you? Technically, the word that you would best use to describe me would be a psychology student.
A student? But a very promising, highly-respected student.
I thought you were a teacher! You criticized me based on something a student said? I didn't know she was a student! Your problems must be pretty obvious if a stupid student can recognize them! Well, for the record, I should tell you I just got an "A" on my last test.
I'm guessing that this psychology test - the "A" was based on some sort of curve? What I did wasn't so terrible.
I was just trying to get Bert to open up the lines of communication.
Which is exactly why I've told you communication's a bad thing.
- It can lead to nothing but disaster.
- This is not a disaster.
Then why did Bert and Dana run out of here yelling? They were just expressing some strong feelings.
They'll have a nice, rational discussion.
And their relationship will be healthier for it.
- Hey, Randy.
How was the mall? - Wild.
- Michelle's parents had a huge fight.
- Was it a healthy, rational sort of thing? No.
It was more of a screaming, "I can't believe I married you," sort of thing.
- Right there in the mall? - Oh, yeah.
Right in the food court.
The falafel guy had to restrain Michelle's mom.
Oh, my God! What have I done? I've ruined two lives.
Let me think about this.
I would guess that in a Psychology class your advice would have been huge.
And yet here in the garage with real people - death.
Advance! Advance! Thrust! Parry! - Hey, Wilson.
- Well, en garde, Taylorette.
- I didn't know you fenced.
- Judith loves the sport.
I find that a little sword play puts her in the mood to "parry and thrust.
" So, I guess you and Judith are still a hot item.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I find the embers are still glowing.
I've taken a fancy to your former Psychology professor.
That is so good.
I'm glad that I helped nurture one relationship, because last night in the garage, I destroyed another one.
Not Tim and Bert, I hope.
Oh, no, no.
That relationship still has a new car smell.
No.
This is the relationship between Bert and his wife.
- I really need some advice.
- Well, rattle my saber, good neighbor.
- OK.
I was Oh, Judith! Hi.
- Hello, Jill.
I am so glad you're here.
I need to talk to you.
- I thought you wanted to talk to me? - Oh, that's OK, Wilson.
Oh.
Well, fine.
I'll just go over here and thrust and parry by my lonesome.
So, Judith, last night I talked to a friend of Tim's.
And in five minutes, - I may have ended a 20-year marriage.
- What on Earth did you say? I just made the obvious assessment that his wife was in denial about her ability to individuate from her father.
You diagnosed this after meeting her for only five minutes? Actually, at that point, I had never met her.
One of the first rules of psychology is: First you meet, then you treat.
I know.
I know.
I was just overzealous.
But what do I do now? Well, I'm reminded of a fifth-century Indian book, the Panchatantra.
which says, "The first mark of intelligence is not to start things.
" - I shouldn't do anything? - The Panchatantra goes on to say, "The second mark of intelligence is to pursue to the end what you have started.
" Well, actually, Judith, I was just about to finish that quote.
So I should apologize to them? - I'm sorry.
I thought you'd finished.
- I was merely pausing for the effect.
It seemed like you'd finished, dear.
Well, I hadn't, dear.
You know, when couples bicker the way that you're doing right now, sometimes I find that it's useful for me to just say bye-bye! Where have you been? We're supposed to do a show.
I'm sorry I'm late.
It's just I've been turtle-sitting.
- Turtle-sitting? - Yes.
Mother's turtle, Scooter.
- Hi, Scooter.
- Looks just like her.
Except with a little softer skin.
She's not feeling well.
She didn't eat her lettuce last night for dinner.
Well, maybe she had a salad for lunch.
No.
I think she's depressed because she's separated from Mother.
She should talk to Jill.
Probably hasn't been individuated.
- Is she an only turtle? - I'm serious, Tim.
Al, we're doing Tool Time.
not Turtle Time.
OK? - Here we go, guys.
Stand by.
- All right.
Where's your trowel? - It's in the truck.
- Get it! Put Scooter someplace where she can see me during the show.
OK.
I'll get her her own monitor.
Standby in five four three two Welcome to a special live Tool Time with your hosts, Tim Taylor and Al Borland.
Thank you, Heidi.
Welcome to Tool Time Today, Al and I are at our project house.
We'll show you how to lay a brick walkway.
The first thing you want to do is pick out your brick pattern.
So you just go to your bridal registry at your local brickyard.
Today we're going with the classic basket weave.
We've already laid a concrete slab using Binford's quick-dry cement.
A perfect foundation for our brick pavers.
That's right.
Gary, if you want to come in here.
This is gonna dry very fast.
So you want to quickly use your trowel to smooth it out.
While Al does that, I'll compact and level the next section using Binford's 6100 Power Compactor.
Normally, you wouldn't use a power compactor on a job this small, but Tim's not normal.
Don't talk to me about normal, turtle nanny.
- Tim! - Look out! What? Tim! Behind you! Tim! Ow! Scooter! - What's the matter with you? - What's the matter with me? You cover Scooter in cement, and then you nearly kill us speeding over here.
Sorry I had such a heavy foot.
I should never have let you drive.
Scooter is now shell-shocked.
When I said your father was obnoxious and overbearing, I meant it in a nice way.
Not in the office, Bert.
- Hey, Bert, what are you doing here? - Hey, Tim.
It's Dana's office.
Your GTO is out front.
I saw it.
Looking great.
Thanks.
I just got it detailed.
Excuse me! Can we cut the chitchat? I have a turtle in crisis! - What happened to your turtle? - He got with some bad reptiles.
They put him in a cement overcoat.
We're investigating.
I think she'll be fine.
Let's soak her.
I want Scooter to have the best of everything! You know, your finest lettuce, her own television She likes to watch the Ninja Turtles.
- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here? - Well, I came to talk to Dana.
- Oh, no.
Nice foot.
Is this where you come when the emergency room is filled up? That's not a bad idea.
Dana! - Oh, Dana.
I really need to talk to you.
- I'm sorry.
I'm a little busy right now.
I'm sorry.
I feel terrible about what happened.
I gave Bert advice that was unsolicited and unqualified.
Not to mention uninteresting.
I should never have gotten involved.
I am not going to say another word.
- I promise.
- Good! After I say this teensy-weensy, little thing.
Oh, boy! I think I'm gonna individuate myself away from this conversation.
I'll go see how that little turtle's doing.
Scooter! Scooter Look.
Before you do anything rash, I hope that you'll consider talking to somebody first.
Not me! I mean, you know, somebody who actually has her degree.
Well, I think we've gone just about as far as we can go with a student.
Look, if you want to talk to somebody, and only if you really both want to, I know a woman who is sensitive and incredibly qualified.
It might not be a bad idea.
What do you think, Dana? - I suppose we could give her a call.
- She's great.
You'll love her.
In fact, she was my teacher.
I think we'll find our own person.
- Hey, Randy.
- Hey, Dad.
Where's Mom? She's just got some stuff to do.
What's she doing? Breaking up another marriage? You know she caused the problem between Bert and Dana? Oh, yeah.
It's all over school.
"Don't go to Randy Taylor's house.
His mom will split up your parents.
" Well, they're not getting split up.
Your mom went and apologized.
It looks like they'll try to work things out.
Well, that's great.
But I still don't get it.
Why is Mom starting fights in other people's families? My guess is that starting fights here has just become too easy for her.
Why does she always have to open her big mouth? Hey, hey, hey! You don't talk about your mom like that! You know why she opens her big mouth? She likes to solve problems.
She won't sit on the sidelines.
How do we get her to be one of those people? Never gonna happen.
And besides, you know, helping other people solve their problems is not a bad thing.
The best way for people to work out their difficulties is to talk about them.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I need to talk.
- Oh, no.
No.
- You just said talking's a good thing.
- He did? I meant about cars.
That sort of thing.
Sports.
Anything like that.
- You know what my problem is? - No.
But I bet we're gonna talk about it.
I am the kind of person who is so eager to fix things that I don't take my time, and then they just blow up in my face.
You married the right guy.
This thing with Bert and Dana's got me doubting what kind of a therapist I'll be.
If you keep giving advice like you gave them, you'd better adopt some kind of a refund policy.
Now, come on.
Seriously.
Do you guys think that I'm the kind of person to go into psychology? As a patient or a doctor? - There's my answer.
- I'm kidding around.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
You're gonna make a great therapist.
Thanks, I guess.
- I really don't want to talk about it.
- Uh-uh-uh.
You don't want any unresolved issues.
You gotta talk about it.
- I'll get the cookies.
- I'll get some milk.
I'll get the cookies.
You get the milk.
Today's Tool Time is a rousing salute to semi-gloss and gloss latex.
But first, on a personal note, I'd like to thank our Tool Time audience for their generous outpouring o concern for Scooter the Turtle.
We were both overwhelmed by the amount of cards and flowers that you all sent.
Unfortunately, because of Scooter's sugar allergies, he was not allowed to eat the chocolate that you sent.
Bet that didn't stop you and your mom from scarfing all that stuff down.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's have a warm welcome back for Scooter - the fully recovered turtle! Scooter! Scooter! I wonder if little Scooter remembers me.
Do you remember? Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! - Obviously, he does remember you.
- Ow! Ow! - Scooter, release.
- Oh! You know - What is your name? - Bert! "Early-Bert dinner.
" - I started to say "Mark".
OK.
- Bert.
As in Ernie.
Lately, Judith, you're always interrupting me.
- No, I don't! - Well, do, do, do, do.
You did just then.
- Are we still on? - Yeah.
Was it a technical problem?