Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e05 Episode Script

Oh! Stop squirming about.
I'm bored.
How can you be bored? It's easy.
You just go, "oh"! Well, you've got your health and your strength, all those fascinating holes in your garments.
If you want to do something, why don't you do something about them? I'm fed up.
Nothing ever happens around here.
Well, be fair, we had a war in 1939.
Aye, and that were an away match.
Do be grateful, they did let you play, didn't they? It's not ten years since you had your appendix out.
You see, there's a whole list of things if you count your blessings.
If you just open your eyes and look around.
Feel the wind in your hair.
In your eyes.
Right across your kidneys.
Up your trousers.
Look at all that sky.
Doesn't it make you feel like asking the Almighty, "What the heck do we want all that lot for?" It's so boring.
Yeah, what can you do with sky? It's such shoddy workmanship.
I mean, you'd have thought he'd have sort of decorated the edges or something.
Just dropping it on top of us, plonk! Whether we like it or not.
Take it or leave it, sky! But then again, if we look on the bright side Go on, then.
On the bright side? Right, we're waiting.
Let's have it.
Don't rush me, I'll think of something.
You see, it's a question of whether it's just a mood that we're in, or whether the world really is boring.
And to anyone who uses his eyes, who looks at the handiwork of nature .
.
it really is boring.
That's what I told thee.
It's boring! No.
No.
You've got to give it a chance, be fair.
I mean, you can't rush these things.
We've got to stand here, quietly, and look around and count our blessings.
Well, come on, then.
Come and stand down here and start counting your blessings.
Out loud? Of course, out loud.
See, if one of us thinks of something cheerful, it'll cheer the others up.
That's good thinking, Foggy.
Right, who goes first? Well, whoever thinks of something cheerful first, let him just say it, straight out.
Right, straight out.
We look around and count our blessings till we think of something cheerful? Right.
Right.
Right.
Something cheerful.
Right.
Right.
Right.
HAMMERING Urgh.
Oh, I see, chips with everything.
Drink the tea! HAMMERING I take it that when you brewed this tea, you were working on the principle that a cuppa would cheer us up? Aye! HAMMERING It doesn't seem to be working, does it? No.
No.
HAMMERING There's somebody at the door.
It's not the door, it's the wall.
HAMMERING OK, there's somebody at the wall.
HAMMERING It's Wally Batty, Nora's got him doing the shelving again.
Oh, lucky Wally.
No, but he is.
See, that's the secret, you see.
Doing something useful, that is what keeps a man happy.
Oh, aye, he were happy.
He were happy this morning, were Wally, just as he was off to his pigeons and Nora collared him for do-it-yourselfing! You should have seen his face, a picture of happiness! Nevertheless, that is the secret.
Activity.
Come on, on your feet.
The first thing we'll do is get our swimming costumes.
Swimming?! Who's going swimming?! We are.
It's years since we've been near the old pool.
If it is all the same to you, Foggy, I think I'd sooner stay depressed.
You don't really mean that.
Come on, on your feet.
The minute we're splashing about in that water, you'll feel on top of the world.
Oh.
No.
No! Come on.
You see, we've got a sense of purpose now.
We feel better already.
You wait, the minute we see the sunlight glinting on that water, our spirits are going to rise and we we WHISTLES What's up with you three? What? Could he mean us? Yes, you three.
I don't know what he means.
Well, just look at you, you're like three mobile gravestones.
You haven't said a word since you came in.
I wouldn't say that.
He said, "Hmm," and he keeps saying, "Oh, dear," and, "I've got this terrible pain in me back.
" Aye.
It is right across here.
WHEEZES I wonder if the world will ever really be safe from another outbreak of war or famine? Or bubonic plague.
It's funny you should mention that, every customer we've had this morning has been asking about bubonic plague.
"Morning, Sid.
"Cup of tea, and a meat pie and what about the old bubonic plague?" It wiped out great areas of civilised Europe.
Not unlike the modern pop concert.
What gets me about life is the way Nora Batty's stockings are always wrinkled.
The unfortunate victim comes out in horrible blobs.
Which reminds me, would anyone care for another bun? Do you want another bun? I can't be bothered with another bun.
I think you're right.
I mean, what have you achieved when you've finished it? You've had a good fresh bun, that's what you've achieved.
Yes, but it can be very tiresome just eating buns.
Oh, for crying out loud, why don't you try and cheer up? Oh, you think we don't want to cheer up? Well, do something about it.
Go on, then, do something about it.
Why me? Because you started it, didn't you? Me? Yes, you, up there on the hill.
You made us depressed.
We were all right till you started moaning.
Go on, then, cheer us up.
How the heck can I cheer thee up? Do something funny.
Pay for something! Funny! Come on, then.
You got 'em into it, you get 'em out of it.
How? Make them laugh! What, in the mood they're in? So, it's a challenge.
All right, then.
"I say, I say, I say.
"Did you hear about the two old ladies that went for a tramp in the woods? He got away!" LAUGHS Well, at least there's one thing - we're at the bottom now.
Things can't get any worse.
Oh Oh Urgh.
I thought tha said things couldn't get any worse! Well, I'm glad I'm not in a better mood.
The one I've got just fits this beer.
Do you remember when we were away during the war, how we used to worry about the old home town being bombed? Yeah.
Aye.
I think I could stand it now.
It's too late.
Who the hell's going to bomb this hole nowadays? Maybe if we advertised.
The trouble is, this place is going to be standing for another 900 years.
Are you sure? No.
I mean, I'm not absolutely positive.
Not 100%.
No, well, will you kindly not start rumours of that irresponsible nature? Oh, dear.
They make better beer down south.
Did you hear what he said? He said they make better beer down south.
(They make better beer down south.
) Well, you could be right, you tell them.
Don't you be intimidated.
You tell them.
I don't want to risk being repetitive.
Go on, tell them.
They make better beer down south.
He's not right in the head.
We don't want trouble in here.
As far as I'm aware, no-one's causing any trouble.
Well, who's supposed to be looking after him? There ought to be somebody looking after him.
They let them out too early these days.
It's all very well, but it's the public that has to suffer.
Yes, every time.
They shouldn't let them out before they're cured.
Then they wonder why they do it again! It's the relatives I feel sorry for.
Isn't it? It pains me to say as much, but from certain angles, your Yorkshireman is a smug product.
No, don't say anything tha's going to feel guilty about later.
You can't judge them all by that sample at the bar, Foggy.
I'm afraid I disagree with you.
That sample at the bar was typical of your professional Yorkshireman.
You know the kind.
Rather eat Yorkshire manure, than Lancashire vegetables.
Well, who wouldn't? There it is, you see.
There it is, that streak of Yorkshire arrogance.
But when you're in a critical mood and the scales fall from your eyes, what I ask you, has a Yorkshireman got to be so damn smug about? Keep your voice down, Foggy.
No, it's time it was said.
Yorkshire is not the centre of the universe.
Will you pack it in, Foggy? I am not a religious man, but I don't like to hear these things being knocked.
Yorkshire is not even one of the superpowers, competing for the ideological leadership of the world.
Well, it all went wrong when they sacked Boycott.
Look, Foggy, some folk are Catholic, some folk are C of E, I'm Yorkshire.
Typical! He thinks Jerusalem's somewhere between Leeds and Bradford.
What do you think you are doing? Grown men! Tommy Foster, he left Yorkshire.
Thought he knew it all, moved to Cheshire - dead within a year.
Snuffed it.
Well, he was 97! What in the hell's that got to do with it? It's all right, Foggy, in broad daylight, you mocking these sacred Yorkshire things.
But what happens tonight if we can't sleep? Well, what will happen tonight if you can't sleep? Tell him.
We don't know.
That's what's worrying us.
We'll be lying there in the dark, Foggy, listening to every damn creak, terrifyied of having roused the anger of the old Yorkshire gods.
What old Yorkshire gods? Whoever they are.
Well you don't think there might be one called Sam, do you? "How do, Sam!" Look, will you watch it, muscle mouth? There's going to be trouble now! Old Yorkshire gods! I bet there's one called Earnshaw.
There'd have to be one called Earnshaw.
I can see him now, shaping up at midnight on Ilkley Moor, all in sensible stout footwear and bicycle clips.
Ha-ha! Where are you going, you two? Come back, sit down, finish your drinks.
It may be horrible, but it's paid for.
What are we doing out here? Don't come too close, if you don't mind, Foggy.
Not till we've gone through the propitiation ceremony.
You heard him.
Bog off, you dangerous Herbert.
Dangerous? Why am I dangerous? It's the big mouth.
What's he talking about? Can he really not know? I haven't a clue.
What are you on about? Just step back a few paces, Foggy.
Why the devil should I? It's nothing personal, but if you're going to get struck down by a thunderbolt, then there's no sense in us being in a tight little group.
Keep thy distance! Why the devil should I be struck down by a thunderbolt? We're not saying it's bound to happen.
Not bound to.
But it just seems to be a strong possibility.
I never heard such clack in me life.
I shouldn't scoff any more if I was you, Foggy.
Scoff at what? The old Yorkshire gods.
It is all very well you laughing at one called Earnshaw, but there could be an old Yorkshire god called Earnshaw.
Poppycock.
Sorry, Earnshaw.
Hail, Earnshaw.
Don't think that great lug speaks with us.
Oh, get on your feet, you dozy pair! Let's get back to town and do something useful.
Not till we've made our peace with Earnshaw.
We'd feel much better if you'd come down here and apologise a bit.
For what? For all those terrible things we said about Yorkshire! We were depressed.
Earnshaw understands.
Never mind about Earnshaw.
I'll put you right on how not to be depressed.
Come on.
Let's go and find a way of making ourselves useful.
That's the secret of how not to be depressed.
Sorry, Earnshaw.
We'll come back to you later.
Yorkshire gods, my foot! Oh, that's done it.
Now we're in for a great dollop of bad luck! Rubbish.
Look, you want to keep your gob shut.
We're in enough trouble already.
Earnshaw's vengeance begins, we're doomed to go through life being impaled on Earnshaw's terrible cold stiff goosing finger.
Oh! What next? Close your eyes, turn around and spit.
Durkus.
CLEARS THROAT Look, not a 40 mega tonne spit, just a quiet little token sort of spit, will be quite sufficient.
Thank you very much.
Ouch! Now what? Everybody knows if you want to stay lucky, you don't tread on the cracks between paving stones.
If you want to stay lucky, you don't embarrass Dewhursts in the street.
Now, come along and bring your funny friend.
Look, there.
LAUGHS It's not funny.
It is a bit funny! He's doing his best! Shut up.
You shouldn't laugh at people's misfortunes.
It's going to be a miserable world if you can't laugh at other people's misfortunes.
What sort of a miserable place is that going to be? Never mind about laughing.
This is an opportunity for us to do something more useful.
Listen, what we know about cars you can count on the fingers of your right leg! Earnshaw's lurking about with his snap tin full of bad luck for us.
Stop anticipating difficulties.
I've had quite enough of this superstitious rubbish.
Good day, to you, sir.
We've come to lend a helping hand.
Please, get me out, now! By golly, it's a good job we came along.
You could have been trapped under there for some considerable time.
Earnshaw strikes again.
I'll never use another mouse trap as long as I live.
Where does it hurt? Only in places.
I think me left elbow's all right.
By God, it's a good job I'm wearing this plaster jacket, I'd have been cut in two, else.
Oh yes, you were lucky there.
Just what I thought when all that lot came crashing down on me.
By heck, I thought, I was lucky there.
Here, could you do me overalls at the back? Is the plaster cracked, can you see? No, it's just dented a bit.
What's your trouble, anyway? I think it's me clutch cable.
No wonder he needs a plaster jacket.
It's not going to last you long if you can't treat it better than this.
Oh! Oooh! Why are you grabbing my throat? Get him off! Why is he grabbing my throat? It all went black.
Just for a minute.
It all went black.
I have the same trouble with my feet.
You promised Foggy you'd wash them.
I did, but they still went black.
Maybe it is hereditary.
Listen, if I'm going to get a look at that cable, you're going have to help me slide underneath the car.
Well, he's the wrong way up for looking at cables.
Turn him over.
He's never going to fit underneath.
Not under a car.
He might just fit under a lorry.
We'll have to straighten him out, then.
Go on, I'll take the arm, you take the legs.
Ouch! Yes, that's better.
Now, start sliding him under.
You see, it can be done.
It's the wrong end! I want to be on the other side, don't I? Don't I? This is for you, Earnshaw.
Will you shut up about Earnshaw? Now, just get hold of the gentleman and pull.
Oh! Oh, it's a treat to have a lie down.
It must be nice to have your own transport and get about more.
Now, has he made his mind up this time? Is that the right place? Are you all right under there? Could somebody sit in the driver's seat and depress the clutch pedal? No problem.
Perhaps I'd better get behind the wheel and handle the technical end.
You two stay out here and offer him whatever comforts you can.
It's the left-hand pedal.
I know which pedal it is.
"I know which pedal it is", said he, with his foot in the ashtray.
The only customer who ever returned a car coat because it was too fast for him.
Never mind about giggling, see if there's anything you can do underneath.
Press the pedal.
Again.
Again.
All right, pull me out.
Pull me out.
I don't like the feel of that pedal.
There's no way I can fix that under there.
I say, I don't like the feel of that pedal.
Well, what are you doing letting him knock himself against the door? Come on.
Oh, that's front and back I've had a crack now.
Earnshaw strikes again.
Will you shut up about Earnshaw? How long's it going to take .
.
Foggy, before it dawns on you, that this is not a good day for making ourselves useful? I refuse to believe that.
Oh! You clumsy great Will you watch your language in the street? Ooh! Listen, Foggy knows that song too.
He bit me, the little devil.
I bet my toes go black and blue.
Be fair, you've only got blue to go.
I'm in for gangrene now, for a cert.
HE SOBS HAMMERING I'm lighting this candle to Earnshaw.
In the pious hope that if we promise to abstain from being useful, he will overlook all the scandalous anti-Yorkshire sentiments which were earlier being expressed during a moment of uncharacteristic depression.
Oh, I do wish Wally Batty would stop hammering whatever he's hammering.
Every thump goes straight to me toes! Hey! It's stopped.
Hey, it's stopped.
Hey, it's stopped.
Just a coincidence, of course.
Don't start doubting again.
You heard him.
He made this wish that the hammering would stop, and wallop, it stopped.
Nice one, Earnshaw! Get out! Where is it? Where is it? Your bucket? Your bucket? Oh! By gum, when she wants a bucket, she really wants a bucket! Aye and it's my bucket she wanted, I notice.
When that woman wants a bucket, it's my bucket she thinks of.
She didn't even knock.
She's no need.
My door is ever open to Nora Batty.
That's not what worries her.
It's the way you keep leaving your trousers off the latch.
The water's off.
No, that were last week.
This week it's the electric.
How do you keep track of those organisations that keep cutting your services off? Oh, there's a pattern to it, you know.
Yes, once you get used to it.
I say it is one of the rhythms of life.
A sort of biological clock.
When a bloke's behind with his payments, he need never be lonely.
There's always somebody calling to see him.
Your bowl.
I need your bowl.
The woman was wet through.
I noticed that.
There's something very cheeky about a woman in wet clothes! I could see the outline of her female form, revealing every curve and ripple of what appeared to be three long vests and a foundation garment.
You don't suppose she always wears three vests and a foundation garment? Only in summer.
I'm beginning to feel that warm glow that comes from being a batchelor.
Don't knock it, Foggy.
You begin to understand why marriages used to last around here.
I mean, faced with garments like that, a man could still be trying to find his way around them after 25 years.
Mine were a wartime marriage, it didn't last.
It was all right in the blackout.
As soon as the lights came on, she was away.
She ran off with a chuffing Pole.
I were dead lucky.
Have you got another bucket? Have you got another bucket? That stupid man of mine's just hammered through a water pipe! Don't panic, Nora, love.
Don't panic.
Just come in here.
Oh! Get off me! SCREAMING AND YELLING Why is he wet all down his front, I wonder? Taking advantage of a poor woman's misfortune! Nice one, Earnshaw! I've heard quite enough about Earnshaw for one day.
It's very distressing for a man of my scientific outlook to be rubbing shoulders with a couple of superstitious idiots like you two.
I want you to repeat after me, "there is no Earnshaw".
There is no Earnshaw.
There is no