Roseanne s05e05 Episode Script
Pretty in Black
[tv blaring.]
so you want to do something tonight? We're spending the day together.
That's enough.
How about this weekend? I don't know.
I'll let you know tomorrow.
Darlene, we have to talk.
Ever since we started going out, it's like You have all the power in this relationship, and I have nothing.
Yeah? Okay.
I need a soda.
Oh, there's only Do you want ice? [knock at door.]
Hi, I'm Molly Tilden.
My family just moved in next door.
And you're telling me this because My dad said the owner gave you guys the keys.
Oh, yeah.
They're in the kitchen.
Come on in.
I'm Darlene.
That's David.
Every house should have one.
Hi, I'm Molly.
My dad got transferred here from Iowa.
We're renting the house next door.
Oh, well, the Conners are a pretty cool family.
I'm not one of them, but, uh Oh, hold on a minute.
Your tag is out.
Thanks.
Here's your key.
Thanks.
Okay, it was nice meeting you guys.
I'll see you around.
I'll see you at school.
[door shuts.]
she seemed nice.
[exhales.]
Oh, hey, hold on a minute.
Your tag's out.
[theme.]
[Roseanne laughing.]
Hey.
Hi.
So, did fisherman dump you yet? No, but thanks for asking.
Well, I was just checking, because Dan me our new next-door neighbor, And it turns out that he's, like, a single dad.
So? So I was thinking, you know, New guy in town, and he's single, He don't know nothing about you.
Total sitting duck.
And here I was Nice enough to bring you lunch.
From where? Nowhere.
Just a little sandwich shop I know.
Is it that loose-meat thing from iowa? Yeah.
No! Now, Roseanne, look.
I know it's a risk, but mom gave us both $10,000, And I really think this business could take off.
Yeah, or go right down the tubes.
I mean, poverty is grand, but we've done that.
Come on.
Just taste it.
What are you afraid of? That you're gonna love it and you're gonna want to do this with me.
No, I just don't want to eat anything that's been [door shuts.]
Fermenting on your dashboard in your stinky truck for 5 hours.
I'm starving.
Please feed me.
Thank you, jeannie.
Oh, that's terrific! What is that? Oh, just from a great little restaurant I know in iowa.
Yeah? Could you go back and get me some fries? Okay, my birthday's on Friday, I'm turning 16, I'm getting my license.
Can I have a car? No.
Eh, it was worth a shot.
Way to commit, Darlene.
Well, how about getting Becky's car running again? It's just been sitting in the driveway for months.
I don't know.
We'd have to kick those gypsies out.
Car's shot, Darlene.
Well, you could fix it.
Yeah, Dan, you could use those hours that you waste between midnight and 6 Just laying there in the bed unconscious.
I'll take a shot, but I don't think it'll work.
So any more dreams we can crush for you, Darlene? No, that'll just about do it.
Happy birthday, though.
Man, her sweet 16.
Amazing.
You know, you really ought to do something special for her.
You mean passing her big head Through my loins wasn't enough? What? Nothing.
I know something you don't know What? Nothing.
Then get out.
Okay, But it's really good.
What? Nothing.
Okay, that's it.
Let me go! Don't make me shave your eyebrows again.
Mom's giving you a sweet 16 birthday party, okay? Oh, my god! Is she planning a surprise party for me? Who? My psycho freak of a mother.
Is she planning to throw me some sort of white-trash debutante ball? Don't be silly.
A party for you? Please.
Drop it.
Rat boy already talked.
Hair up would be nice.
There's no way in hell I'm going through with that.
Cancel the clown.
Whoa, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Look, I know how wrong it is for someone like you who is so in touch with the dark forces To have a sweet 16.
Thank you.
But it's a party.
Come on.
Some cake, ice cream, presents, a few friends You invited my friends? Yeah, she seemed like a very sweet girl.
My life sucks enough without this extra humiliation.
In case you haven't noticed, things haven't been exactly great for anyone around here.
This stupid party means a lot to your mom.
Why? I don't know.
Maybe it gives her something to look forward to.
Maybe she doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore.
You scare the hell out of us.
Yeah, likewise.
Please, I'd consider it a personal favor.
I'd owe you big-time.
How big? Real big.
Like, "d.
J.
Needs a new lung, But Darlene's leather jacket comes first"? Okay, jacket before lung.
I can't believe I'm going through with this.
Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at lenny's.
Denny's.
Jackie, would you hurry up? I got to wash that tablecloth for the party.
Just doing my whites.
I'll save the rest for later.
how fast they grow up.
Yeah.
Boy, it seems like just yesterday I was teaching her how to hold her little pinky flat When she flipped people off.
Remember when we were 16 and we said we wanted to die Before we were 40 and we got all old and gross? Yeah, I'd totally forgotten about that.
And here Here you are, turning 40.
Isn't that a riot? Yeah.
[knock at door.]
Hey.
Hey.
Is the coast clear? Yeah, yeah, come in.
Did you get the camera? Yep.
Oh, good.
Okay.
Uh, my mom was a little funny about me taking it, But as long as you're careful with it Well, it's not like I haven't had a hundred cameras or anything.
[doorbell rings.]
Jackie, would you get that? So, how do you get the film in? I'll load it.
I'll load it.
Roseanne, these girls just moved into the buman house next door.
Hi, I'm molly.
This is my older sister, charlotte.
Hi, I'm Roseanne.
This is my older sister, Jackie.
Charlotte made us some cookies.
"us"? Since when do you live here? Give me them.
They're really nothing special.
[Jackie.]
no, charlotte.
That was so nice of you.
You know, Roseanne, that plate looks just like yours.
Well, we found a whole set in the dishwasher.
Oh, yeah.
I must've forgotten to take that last load out.
You guys moved in so damn fast.
It's ready.
Okay, great.
David these are our new neighbors.
This is molly, And that's charlotte edging her way out the door over there.
Hey, David.
You're here a lot.
Yeah, you too.
You guys know each other? Yeah, we met before.
Tag's in.
Yeah.
Darlene! Get down here now! Darlene's here? Is it okay if I go up and get her? You have met Darlene, haven't you? Yeah.
She seemed nice.
Okay.
Well, yeah.
Go on up.
It's second door on the right.
And if I don't get to see you again, thanks for the cookies.
See you tonight.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
So, charlotte Okay, charlotte, that's enough about you.
Come on over here, Stop that yakking and help us out with these cookies.
Hello? Darlene? Hey.
Your mom's calling you.
Who's talking, please? It's me, molly.
Oh, right.
The tag patrol.
You always barge into strange people's bathrooms without knocking? I'm sorry.
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
I wanted you to meet my sister.
Oh, bring her up.
Bring the whole family up.
Got a dog? Hey, it's okay.
You can just meet her later.
I'll just hang here and keep you company.
So what are you doing? Interpretive dance.
No, seriously.
I'm dyeing my hair black.
Really? Why? Well, my mom's throwing me this really stupid party, and I want to tick her off.
Hey, you know, when I want to make my dad really mad, I wear my bright red lipstick.
Oh, you rebel! You know, Maybe I should dye my hair.
This one time, I thought about doing something really drastic.
I almost cut all my hair off like Demi Moore in Ghost.
You know what's funny here, Molly? You keep talking to me like I'm listening.
Okay, I can take a hint.
You know, you come off real sarcastic and all, But I got a feeling we're gonna become really good friends.
Bye.
Happy birthday, Darlene.
Stop pretending there's no party, David.
I knew about it 2 days ago.
Darlene, there is no party.
Now, come on.
We're gonna be late.
Oh, man.
The power must've gone out.
You sicken me.
Okay, look.
So they're throwing you a stupid party.
Come on.
We'll just go in and laugh at it.
All right.
Open the door and shove me hard.
[all.]
surprise! it is the night we've waited for because you're not a baby anymore you've turned into the prettiest girl we've ever seen happy birthday, sweet 16 Oh, now, you didn't think we'd let your Without a proper conner celebration, did you? Oh, your hair.
I love your hair! Oh, doesn't the princess look grown up? Oh, look at her.
She's got a bosom.
Get in with the birthday girl.
Come on, get together, get together! Make sure you get the button.
Yeah, and make it fast, Because the quicker we're done here, the faster we get to the dance contest! Okay, 1, 2, 3, cheese! Cheese! Okay, now, just one of the birthday girl.
Okay, Darlene, here, think fast.
[flashbulb pops.]
What are these for? Well, it's amazing.
Becky's car seems to be running fine now.
And here.
I think this ought to be enough to buy you and your fellow creatures dinner and a movie.
They're waiting for you at the pizza king.
Surprise! We want you to leave! Yes! That's just what I always wanted! Well, I know my kid.
So wait.
You mean this whole party thing was just a big joke? You put me through hell! Well, that was kind of for us.
Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore.
Sucker! So, you're not gone yet? Leaving.
Oh, Darlene? Yeah.
I hate your hair.
Thanks, mommy! At my sweet 16, my mother made us wear white gloves And eat these teeny sandwiches.
Ew! It was so nauseating! Mine was great.
Me and my friends waited for hours in the rain to see three dog night.
Oh, I remember mine.
Me and Dan went and got really drunk and had sex.
All right.
That sounds like a great birthday! If I'd have known then how many years I had ahead of me To get drunk and have sex with Dan, I would've had the party.
Remember how exciting it was when we were 16 And we had to sneak around to be with our boyfriends-- remember that? Yeah, sometimes when me and Dan are having sex, I'll call my mom up and tell her I'm over at debbie's.
Sex was so great then.
It just doesn't have that kind of passion anymore.
Oh, come on.
You and Arnie were all over each other.
Yeah.
Yeah, we had mind-shattering orgasms, But it was kind of lacking romance.
You had orgasms? Yeah, but I was looking for poetry and flowers.
Instead I got limericks and edible panties.
The weird thing is, after you've been with your husband for a while, Your priorities change, you know what I mean? Sex and romance-- eh, they're not what they used to be.
More punch? You know I am.
Yeah, I used to love it when Dan could go all night, you know.
Now I really love it when he just sleeps.
I got stuff to do.
We sound like a bunch of old, married women.
This is supposed to be a party.
I think we should play a game.
Oh, you're right.
This is a sweet 16 party.
How about we play truth or dare? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's gonna be first? Me! Me! Ask me first.
Okay.
Truth or dare? I'll take truth.
When was the last time you were felt up at the movies? Oh, that's a good one.
It was last night.
Oh, come on! Oh, no! You went to the movies by yourself last night.
I did not! I did not! I went with fisher.
Oh.
Okay, you're through.
You're boring me.
Okay, my turn.
Okay, I'll take this one.
I'll take this one.
Truth or dare.
Uh, truth.
Okay.
Wouldn't you really like To be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant? You and Nancy? Yeah, I'm going in on the business too.
Isn't that wild? You guys are gonna do it without me? You said you didn't want to do it.
No, I didn't.
I said I couldn't do it.
What's the difference? There's a huge difference, Jackie.
"i don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, But "i can't do it" means you can't do it either.
So you are interested.
Truth? I'm taking dare.
No, no, she said truth! Double dare, double dare, double dare, double dare! Okay.
Double dare.
Okay.
I double dare you To, um, go out to the mud porch, Take off your shirt, run screaming through the backyard Into the garage, and flash Dan.
[women hooting.]
Oh, flash my husband of 19 years-- it's so risque.
You got to do it, Roseanne.
I know! I'm gonna do it! Jeez, shut up! Next thing, you're gonna dare me to have 3 kids.
Keep moving.
Come on.
I know.
Why don't you dare me to make a meat loaf.
Ooh! Come on.
I'm going.
Okay.
So damn stupid, I can't believe it.
Oh, and no bra.
It's cold out here! Double dare.
I'm gonna beat you up later.
Looking forward to it.
[Roseanne yelling.]
She's catching speed! Look at her! Good form! Hey, let's lock her out.
Let's turn on the sprinklers.
Wait.
Here she comes.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
What's wrong? [excited chattering Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What? Rosie? I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Ty tilden.
Ty, this is my wife, Roseanne.
Well, you sure know how to make a guy Feel welcome.
[Dan laughing.]
It's not that funny.
Yes, it was! It was a classic! You're supposed to say something to make me feel better.
Okay.
Well, I don't think Ty got hit with anything.
No, but you did.
All right.
I'll never mention it again.
Good.
Hey, Dan? Happy birthday.
Huh? Well, You know this idea that Jackie's got about this loose-meat sandwich place? It's really stupid, isn't it? I don't know.
It's sure a tough time to open a business.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
It is really stupid.
Okay.
Good night.
'course, it would be kind of cool to have something of my own.
You know, I've never had that.
What are you talking about? Everything that's mine is yours.
Yeah, well, your stuff's no good.
Oh, just forget I even brought it up.
Okay? Good night.
Night.
Well, it's not that crazy.
You know.
Are you kidding? After what we went through with the bike shop? Yeah, but like Jackie says, you know, This place, it's got, like, a line around the block, And you loved the sandwich, So I'm just thinking, when are we ever gonna get another chunk of money like this? And I just think, you know, we spend it, And we have nothing to show for it except for some stack of paid bills.
We could learn to live with that, Roseanne.
Yeah.
Listen to me.
I sound just like Jackie.
Okay, I'm not bringing it up again.
Good night.
Well, you're right about the money from bev.
It's only gonna last so long.
Well, yeah, but we can make it stretch.
Yeah, for 7 of 8 months, and we're right back where we were before, Living week to week.
Well, I don't know.
Shouldn't the money go to d.
J.
's college Or Towards Darlene's bail? It'll never last that long.
If this business sticks, then we got a shot at something better.
I don't know, Dan.
"Roseanne Conner, Loose-meat queen.
" Sounds good.
Yeah.
Classy.
Take the shot, honey.
Oh, all right, if it means that much to you.
I just want you to be happy.
Thank you, dear.
Of course, you know if it fails, I'm gonna blame you.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday, sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday, sweet 16 tonight's the night I've waited for because you're not a baby anymore you've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen happy birthday sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday sweet 16
so you want to do something tonight? We're spending the day together.
That's enough.
How about this weekend? I don't know.
I'll let you know tomorrow.
Darlene, we have to talk.
Ever since we started going out, it's like You have all the power in this relationship, and I have nothing.
Yeah? Okay.
I need a soda.
Oh, there's only Do you want ice? [knock at door.]
Hi, I'm Molly Tilden.
My family just moved in next door.
And you're telling me this because My dad said the owner gave you guys the keys.
Oh, yeah.
They're in the kitchen.
Come on in.
I'm Darlene.
That's David.
Every house should have one.
Hi, I'm Molly.
My dad got transferred here from Iowa.
We're renting the house next door.
Oh, well, the Conners are a pretty cool family.
I'm not one of them, but, uh Oh, hold on a minute.
Your tag is out.
Thanks.
Here's your key.
Thanks.
Okay, it was nice meeting you guys.
I'll see you around.
I'll see you at school.
[door shuts.]
she seemed nice.
[exhales.]
Oh, hey, hold on a minute.
Your tag's out.
[theme.]
[Roseanne laughing.]
Hey.
Hi.
So, did fisherman dump you yet? No, but thanks for asking.
Well, I was just checking, because Dan me our new next-door neighbor, And it turns out that he's, like, a single dad.
So? So I was thinking, you know, New guy in town, and he's single, He don't know nothing about you.
Total sitting duck.
And here I was Nice enough to bring you lunch.
From where? Nowhere.
Just a little sandwich shop I know.
Is it that loose-meat thing from iowa? Yeah.
No! Now, Roseanne, look.
I know it's a risk, but mom gave us both $10,000, And I really think this business could take off.
Yeah, or go right down the tubes.
I mean, poverty is grand, but we've done that.
Come on.
Just taste it.
What are you afraid of? That you're gonna love it and you're gonna want to do this with me.
No, I just don't want to eat anything that's been [door shuts.]
Fermenting on your dashboard in your stinky truck for 5 hours.
I'm starving.
Please feed me.
Thank you, jeannie.
Oh, that's terrific! What is that? Oh, just from a great little restaurant I know in iowa.
Yeah? Could you go back and get me some fries? Okay, my birthday's on Friday, I'm turning 16, I'm getting my license.
Can I have a car? No.
Eh, it was worth a shot.
Way to commit, Darlene.
Well, how about getting Becky's car running again? It's just been sitting in the driveway for months.
I don't know.
We'd have to kick those gypsies out.
Car's shot, Darlene.
Well, you could fix it.
Yeah, Dan, you could use those hours that you waste between midnight and 6 Just laying there in the bed unconscious.
I'll take a shot, but I don't think it'll work.
So any more dreams we can crush for you, Darlene? No, that'll just about do it.
Happy birthday, though.
Man, her sweet 16.
Amazing.
You know, you really ought to do something special for her.
You mean passing her big head Through my loins wasn't enough? What? Nothing.
I know something you don't know What? Nothing.
Then get out.
Okay, But it's really good.
What? Nothing.
Okay, that's it.
Let me go! Don't make me shave your eyebrows again.
Mom's giving you a sweet 16 birthday party, okay? Oh, my god! Is she planning a surprise party for me? Who? My psycho freak of a mother.
Is she planning to throw me some sort of white-trash debutante ball? Don't be silly.
A party for you? Please.
Drop it.
Rat boy already talked.
Hair up would be nice.
There's no way in hell I'm going through with that.
Cancel the clown.
Whoa, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it, hold it.
Look, I know how wrong it is for someone like you who is so in touch with the dark forces To have a sweet 16.
Thank you.
But it's a party.
Come on.
Some cake, ice cream, presents, a few friends You invited my friends? Yeah, she seemed like a very sweet girl.
My life sucks enough without this extra humiliation.
In case you haven't noticed, things haven't been exactly great for anyone around here.
This stupid party means a lot to your mom.
Why? I don't know.
Maybe it gives her something to look forward to.
Maybe she doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore.
You scare the hell out of us.
Yeah, likewise.
Please, I'd consider it a personal favor.
I'd owe you big-time.
How big? Real big.
Like, "d.
J.
Needs a new lung, But Darlene's leather jacket comes first"? Okay, jacket before lung.
I can't believe I'm going through with this.
Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at lenny's.
Denny's.
Jackie, would you hurry up? I got to wash that tablecloth for the party.
Just doing my whites.
I'll save the rest for later.
how fast they grow up.
Yeah.
Boy, it seems like just yesterday I was teaching her how to hold her little pinky flat When she flipped people off.
Remember when we were 16 and we said we wanted to die Before we were 40 and we got all old and gross? Yeah, I'd totally forgotten about that.
And here Here you are, turning 40.
Isn't that a riot? Yeah.
[knock at door.]
Hey.
Hey.
Is the coast clear? Yeah, yeah, come in.
Did you get the camera? Yep.
Oh, good.
Okay.
Uh, my mom was a little funny about me taking it, But as long as you're careful with it Well, it's not like I haven't had a hundred cameras or anything.
[doorbell rings.]
Jackie, would you get that? So, how do you get the film in? I'll load it.
I'll load it.
Roseanne, these girls just moved into the buman house next door.
Hi, I'm molly.
This is my older sister, charlotte.
Hi, I'm Roseanne.
This is my older sister, Jackie.
Charlotte made us some cookies.
"us"? Since when do you live here? Give me them.
They're really nothing special.
[Jackie.]
no, charlotte.
That was so nice of you.
You know, Roseanne, that plate looks just like yours.
Well, we found a whole set in the dishwasher.
Oh, yeah.
I must've forgotten to take that last load out.
You guys moved in so damn fast.
It's ready.
Okay, great.
David these are our new neighbors.
This is molly, And that's charlotte edging her way out the door over there.
Hey, David.
You're here a lot.
Yeah, you too.
You guys know each other? Yeah, we met before.
Tag's in.
Yeah.
Darlene! Get down here now! Darlene's here? Is it okay if I go up and get her? You have met Darlene, haven't you? Yeah.
She seemed nice.
Okay.
Well, yeah.
Go on up.
It's second door on the right.
And if I don't get to see you again, thanks for the cookies.
See you tonight.
Nice meeting you.
Yeah.
So, charlotte Okay, charlotte, that's enough about you.
Come on over here, Stop that yakking and help us out with these cookies.
Hello? Darlene? Hey.
Your mom's calling you.
Who's talking, please? It's me, molly.
Oh, right.
The tag patrol.
You always barge into strange people's bathrooms without knocking? I'm sorry.
I didn't think it'd be a big deal.
I wanted you to meet my sister.
Oh, bring her up.
Bring the whole family up.
Got a dog? Hey, it's okay.
You can just meet her later.
I'll just hang here and keep you company.
So what are you doing? Interpretive dance.
No, seriously.
I'm dyeing my hair black.
Really? Why? Well, my mom's throwing me this really stupid party, and I want to tick her off.
Hey, you know, when I want to make my dad really mad, I wear my bright red lipstick.
Oh, you rebel! You know, Maybe I should dye my hair.
This one time, I thought about doing something really drastic.
I almost cut all my hair off like Demi Moore in Ghost.
You know what's funny here, Molly? You keep talking to me like I'm listening.
Okay, I can take a hint.
You know, you come off real sarcastic and all, But I got a feeling we're gonna become really good friends.
Bye.
Happy birthday, Darlene.
Stop pretending there's no party, David.
I knew about it 2 days ago.
Darlene, there is no party.
Now, come on.
We're gonna be late.
Oh, man.
The power must've gone out.
You sicken me.
Okay, look.
So they're throwing you a stupid party.
Come on.
We'll just go in and laugh at it.
All right.
Open the door and shove me hard.
[all.]
surprise! it is the night we've waited for because you're not a baby anymore you've turned into the prettiest girl we've ever seen happy birthday, sweet 16 Oh, now, you didn't think we'd let your Without a proper conner celebration, did you? Oh, your hair.
I love your hair! Oh, doesn't the princess look grown up? Oh, look at her.
She's got a bosom.
Get in with the birthday girl.
Come on, get together, get together! Make sure you get the button.
Yeah, and make it fast, Because the quicker we're done here, the faster we get to the dance contest! Okay, 1, 2, 3, cheese! Cheese! Okay, now, just one of the birthday girl.
Okay, Darlene, here, think fast.
[flashbulb pops.]
What are these for? Well, it's amazing.
Becky's car seems to be running fine now.
And here.
I think this ought to be enough to buy you and your fellow creatures dinner and a movie.
They're waiting for you at the pizza king.
Surprise! We want you to leave! Yes! That's just what I always wanted! Well, I know my kid.
So wait.
You mean this whole party thing was just a big joke? You put me through hell! Well, that was kind of for us.
Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore.
Sucker! So, you're not gone yet? Leaving.
Oh, Darlene? Yeah.
I hate your hair.
Thanks, mommy! At my sweet 16, my mother made us wear white gloves And eat these teeny sandwiches.
Ew! It was so nauseating! Mine was great.
Me and my friends waited for hours in the rain to see three dog night.
Oh, I remember mine.
Me and Dan went and got really drunk and had sex.
All right.
That sounds like a great birthday! If I'd have known then how many years I had ahead of me To get drunk and have sex with Dan, I would've had the party.
Remember how exciting it was when we were 16 And we had to sneak around to be with our boyfriends-- remember that? Yeah, sometimes when me and Dan are having sex, I'll call my mom up and tell her I'm over at debbie's.
Sex was so great then.
It just doesn't have that kind of passion anymore.
Oh, come on.
You and Arnie were all over each other.
Yeah.
Yeah, we had mind-shattering orgasms, But it was kind of lacking romance.
You had orgasms? Yeah, but I was looking for poetry and flowers.
Instead I got limericks and edible panties.
The weird thing is, after you've been with your husband for a while, Your priorities change, you know what I mean? Sex and romance-- eh, they're not what they used to be.
More punch? You know I am.
Yeah, I used to love it when Dan could go all night, you know.
Now I really love it when he just sleeps.
I got stuff to do.
We sound like a bunch of old, married women.
This is supposed to be a party.
I think we should play a game.
Oh, you're right.
This is a sweet 16 party.
How about we play truth or dare? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Who's gonna be first? Me! Me! Ask me first.
Okay.
Truth or dare? I'll take truth.
When was the last time you were felt up at the movies? Oh, that's a good one.
It was last night.
Oh, come on! Oh, no! You went to the movies by yourself last night.
I did not! I did not! I went with fisher.
Oh.
Okay, you're through.
You're boring me.
Okay, my turn.
Okay, I'll take this one.
I'll take this one.
Truth or dare.
Uh, truth.
Okay.
Wouldn't you really like To be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant? You and Nancy? Yeah, I'm going in on the business too.
Isn't that wild? You guys are gonna do it without me? You said you didn't want to do it.
No, I didn't.
I said I couldn't do it.
What's the difference? There's a huge difference, Jackie.
"i don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, But "i can't do it" means you can't do it either.
So you are interested.
Truth? I'm taking dare.
No, no, she said truth! Double dare, double dare, double dare, double dare! Okay.
Double dare.
Okay.
I double dare you To, um, go out to the mud porch, Take off your shirt, run screaming through the backyard Into the garage, and flash Dan.
[women hooting.]
Oh, flash my husband of 19 years-- it's so risque.
You got to do it, Roseanne.
I know! I'm gonna do it! Jeez, shut up! Next thing, you're gonna dare me to have 3 kids.
Keep moving.
Come on.
I know.
Why don't you dare me to make a meat loaf.
Ooh! Come on.
I'm going.
Okay.
So damn stupid, I can't believe it.
Oh, and no bra.
It's cold out here! Double dare.
I'm gonna beat you up later.
Looking forward to it.
[Roseanne yelling.]
She's catching speed! Look at her! Good form! Hey, let's lock her out.
Let's turn on the sprinklers.
Wait.
Here she comes.
Oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god.
What's wrong? [excited chattering Oh, my god.
Oh, my god.
What? Rosie? I'd like you to meet our new neighbor, Ty tilden.
Ty, this is my wife, Roseanne.
Well, you sure know how to make a guy Feel welcome.
[Dan laughing.]
It's not that funny.
Yes, it was! It was a classic! You're supposed to say something to make me feel better.
Okay.
Well, I don't think Ty got hit with anything.
No, but you did.
All right.
I'll never mention it again.
Good.
Hey, Dan? Happy birthday.
Huh? Well, You know this idea that Jackie's got about this loose-meat sandwich place? It's really stupid, isn't it? I don't know.
It's sure a tough time to open a business.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're right.
It is really stupid.
Okay.
Good night.
'course, it would be kind of cool to have something of my own.
You know, I've never had that.
What are you talking about? Everything that's mine is yours.
Yeah, well, your stuff's no good.
Oh, just forget I even brought it up.
Okay? Good night.
Night.
Well, it's not that crazy.
You know.
Are you kidding? After what we went through with the bike shop? Yeah, but like Jackie says, you know, This place, it's got, like, a line around the block, And you loved the sandwich, So I'm just thinking, when are we ever gonna get another chunk of money like this? And I just think, you know, we spend it, And we have nothing to show for it except for some stack of paid bills.
We could learn to live with that, Roseanne.
Yeah.
Listen to me.
I sound just like Jackie.
Okay, I'm not bringing it up again.
Good night.
Well, you're right about the money from bev.
It's only gonna last so long.
Well, yeah, but we can make it stretch.
Yeah, for 7 of 8 months, and we're right back where we were before, Living week to week.
Well, I don't know.
Shouldn't the money go to d.
J.
's college Or Towards Darlene's bail? It'll never last that long.
If this business sticks, then we got a shot at something better.
I don't know, Dan.
"Roseanne Conner, Loose-meat queen.
" Sounds good.
Yeah.
Classy.
Take the shot, honey.
Oh, all right, if it means that much to you.
I just want you to be happy.
Thank you, dear.
Of course, you know if it fails, I'm gonna blame you.
Wouldn't have it any other way.
tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday, sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday, sweet 16 tonight's the night I've waited for because you're not a baby anymore you've turned into the prettiest girl I've ever seen happy birthday sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday sweet 16 tra-la-la-la-la la-la-la-la happy birthday sweet 16