Rules of Engagement s05e05 Episode Script

- Hey.
- Hey.
Hey, where's Audrey? Oh, big surprise, she's stuck on another work call.
Lately, all she does is work.
She even missed our girls night last night.
But we still had fun.
Say, Jim, did you enjoy your daiquiri? The first one.
Don't remember the second one.
[Sighs.]
Anyways, Aud's being totally slammed at work, which means twice as many work stories.
So let me know if you have any trouble sleeping.
Those things are a magic bullet.
Oh, great.
Mm, what? The had store run out of extra-large square? That's clever.
How long you been working on that one? Ah, I just thought of it.
Two days ago.
[Laughing.]
Ah, I just got a text from Brenda.
Who's that? She's this lesbian.
Ah, you have my interest.
She plays on my softball team.
Oh, you lost my interest.
Anyway, she's hurt, and if you don't have at least one female, your team forfeits.
Jen You're a girl, right? Well, if she's not, she did some pretty gay stuff to me last night.
So come on.
Can you play tomorrow? Oh, I'd love to, but I have a meeting.
You do? Yes.
No, but I thought we were hanging out tomorrow afternoon.
No, I have a meeting.
No, no, no, no.
You said you had nothing going on.
I mean, to quote you, "I literally have nothing to do tomorrow afternoon.
Boy, would I love to go outside.
" Nick, I--I just don't want to play softball.
Rude.
Oh, my God, this is so frustrating.
We can't use any of the couch shots from the Hampton shoot.
They're terrible.
So now I have to go out and find a new photographer.
Don't fret.
You know I happen to be a bit of a shutterbug me self.
This'd be easy for you.
You won't have to get the couch drunk and trick it into taking its top off.
You know what would be a really fun break for you from all this work? Come on out to Central Park and play some softball tomorrow.
What, did the team lesbian have another gay wedding to go? No, Mrs.
Stereotyper.
She dislocated a shoulder playing field hockey.
So, uh Come on, you need to get out of the office.
Yeah, I--I don't think I can.
Oh, listen, it's like they say on their death bed.
Nobody ever wishes that they spent less time playing softball.
[Laughter.]
Uh, I don't know.
I mean Look at ya.
Seriously, you got bags under your eyes.
Your skin's pale.
You're all slouched over.
You look like a corpse.
Probably just the lighting in here.
I don't think so.
Jen looks fantastic.
It's Central Park.
It's a sunny day.
It'll be good for you.
All right, fine.
Yes, I'll play.
Come on, you look like a mole person.
I said I would play.
Mmm.
Wait.
What are we doing? Well, if you're having to ask, I must not be doing it very well.
No, I meant us having sex.
So much, so soon after we met.
I'm not hearing a problem here.
Look, Timmy I really like you.
And I you.
Here, let me show you how much.
No.
That's the thing.
I think we should stop having sex and instead focus on the non-physical part of our relationship.
Hmm? Non-what, now? We have to get to know each other better if we want to give our relationship a stronger foundation.
Says you.
I don't even know about your interests, your family, your friends.
Cricket, only child, Nate and Ramesh.
Okay, so, uh Do you want to tell me yours now or after we nude up? No, I think we should hold off until we create a real emotional and intellectual connection.
That sounds like a dynamite idea, really.
But perhaps we could implement that plan, say, after we've successfully formed a human camel.
We have to be strong if we want to give this the best chance it can have.
Without distractions.
Yes, you're quite right.
Hmm.
The logical part of me agrees.
I'm so glad.
[Laughs.]
Timmy Hmm? It feels like another part of you might disagree.
Yes, well, uh, rest assured, as soon as I get home, I'm going to give it what for.
How many ways to say I love you? how many ways to say that I'm not scared with you by my side there is no denying that I can't wait for me and you Oh, no, you guys still here? Yeah, the handyman set off a bug bomb in our apartment.
Oh, you got bugs? No, he just doesn't like me.
Anyway, what's going on? Well, in Timmy's case, a whole lotta nada.
I see.
So now we're sharing intimate information I told you in confidence.
Heh heh, we're about to.
So Timmy here has been getting down with that little mousey girl at work.
Right in her office.
[Gasps.]
Timmy, I knew you had it in you.
Yeah, so did she.
Funny part is, now that she got him hooked, she cut him off.
No more sex.
Yes, that's the funny part.
Wow.
So she had sex with you, and then no more? Hmm, I heard that happens to guys who don't look like me.
I could show you what it's like.
Well, if I were this guy, maybe you could.
Come on.
Yeah, Jen, it's kind of common knowledge that you're always good to go.
Ouch.
Insulted by someone who looks like they're in the middle of gender reassignment.
But the question is, which was he going? Look, Allison believes that sex is not the way to begin a meaningful relationship.
And I concur.
Yeah, good luck running that three-legged race by yourself.
Of course that's how you feel.
Why spend time getting to know a woman when it merely increases her chances of picking you out of a lineup? It's different for different couples.
I mean, Jen and I had sex the first night we met.
I don't even think she knew my name.
But But now we're totally getting married.
Adam.
Oh, well, yeah.
Of course you know my name now.
That's not what I was talking about.
Oh.
Oh! Right.
Oh.
Oh, my God, the cat's out of the bag.
Okay, Timmy, there's a good chance you're not coming to our wedding.
UhIt's really small-- wrong again, Adam.
Oh, hey, good news, buddy.
You're back in.
No, he's not back in.
Well, it's a good thing I'm not a human being, or some of this could really sting.
So he gave me the medicine, and I got better right away.
AhSo you're allergic to ragweed.
How about that? See? We're getting to know each other.
And that will only enhance the experience when we go back to You know.
Yes, I remember.
[Elevator bell dings.]
Pardon me.
It's all right.
[Giggles.]
Ooh.
So, uh Any other allergies, or is it just the ragweed then? Cat dander.
Uh-huh.
Pollen.
Oh.
That's it.
All right, then.
[Bell dings.]
Isn't this where you get off? I'm very close.
Ah, good.
Right, buh-bye.
[Exhales.]
All right! Daddy's lunch is here.
Bring it in.
Uhh! Ow! You can keep the cha-- [change rattling.]
Ow! I'm not sure lavender's the right color.
Audrey, get the ball! Atta girl.
What? Oh, no, no.
No, no.
I told her that's not right.
Audrey, throw the ball! No, it has to be lilac, and that is final! I'm not-- hold on, I'm getting another call.
- Hello? - Hey, Audrey.
It's Jeff from softball.
Yeah, I'm sorry to catch you at a bad time.
Uh, some of the fellas were hoping we could get the ball back! [Scoffs.]
Um Um, Timmy Timmy, if you have to do that at work, take it in the men's room.
Russell, I'm only trying to get the last of the wite-out.
Yeah, I know.
I've been there.
Take it in the men's room, fella.
So this wite-out.
Oh.
Well, still.
Ever since Allison cut you off, you've been a little bit edgy.
Really? Do you think so? Because I feel pretty damn relaxed! I'm just concerned, that's all.
Well, don't be.
Because it's none of your business.
Well, it became my business when you threw a sandwich in there and cracked my sternum.
Well, I'm sorry, but, yes, I'm a bit pent-up.
All right, well, calm down.
Uncle Russell's gonna help you release the pressure.
Look, I don't care how soft and ladylike your hands are, the answer's no.
No, no, no.
No, I didn't mean that.
No, I'm just saying I've got a phone full of numbers here of professional ladies classified by what they're willing to do.
So let me make this clear.
I only want Allison.
And I don't patronize call girls.
I don't patronize them, either.
I treat them with respect.
And then sometimes, they let you do extra stuff.
Gratis.
Tuna sandwich, please.
Hmm.
You guys have popsicles? No.
Okay.
Do you have comment cards? Okay, so I've decided we need a new, better story of how we met.
What? Are you kidding? Our story's great.
Bar, drunk, did it in the cab, did it in the park.
It's got something for everybody.
Not for me.
I mean, I come off looking pretty slutty.
But I love that you're slutty.
I know, and we'll always have that.
Ohh.
But I made up a new story, and I would like us to tell people that one from now one.
Okay, will it change what really happened? No.
Okay, what do you got? Okay.
So one afternoon, you saw me disappear into a cabin.
You were so enchanted by my beauty that you knocked a bike messenger off his bike and rode after me for 20 blocks.
What happened to the bike messenger? What does it matter? Honey, people are gonna worry about him.
Fine, you gave the bike messenger $100 for his bike.
Ooh! How about you offered him $100, but he wouldn't take it, since it was for love.
No.
Honey, honey, it makes him sound like a better guy than me.
I mean In that version, it seems like you should end up with him.
Oh What if I'm the bike messenger? There we go! Yeah, nice rip! Nice rip! Audrey, you're up.
No, that works as a feature.
Not as a cover.
Audrey.
Hey.
What? Gah--what is wrong with you? You been on this phone the whole game! Well, I'm sorry, but my job is a little more important than your softball game.
Well, first of all, this game has playoff implications.
Second, it's not about the game.
Your job is making you miserable.
Oh, it's not that bad.
Well, it's making me miserable.
If you're not working, you're complaining about work.
Look around.
It is a gorgeous day.
But you don't see any of it.
I wish you could just relax and have fun, like the rest of us.
You gotta batter up there, Bingham? You shut up! Shut up, right now! Come on.
Come on, get out here.
Have some fun.
I know you can.
Yes, I will.
I'm gonna have fun.
Okay.
Eye on the ball.
Eye on the ball.
I hit it! I hit it! All right, way to go, hon! Why don't you run? You gotta run.
Oh, oh! That's all right.
My God, she sucks.
[Knock on door.]
Uh, Mr.
Dunbar? You wanted to see me? Uh, yes, Allison.
Um, wanted to talk to you about Timmy.
Oh, does the company frown upon interoffice relationships.
? Oh, no, no.
Not at all.
Except for some of mine, heh heh.
But that's a big he said, the rest of 'em said situation.
Now, uh, the company frowns upon "kind of" relationships.
Pardon me? You know, "we're kind of together, but we're not together.
" [Makes squeaking noise.]
Are you implying what I think you're implying? I'm not really implying anything.
I mean, what kind of professional would I be if I were to tell you to let Tim ring the old bell once in a while.
So you're telling me I should sleep with Timmy? No.
That would be against the law.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you.
[High-pitched.]
"Oh, my God, I can't believe you.
" Alice, what's going on? Mr.
Dunbar just told me to sleep with you.
Oh, my.
How terrible.
What was your answer? No! I see.
I can explain.
You see, um, because you and I are not currently being intimate, Mr.
Dunbar feels I've been taking out my frustrations on him.
Are you frustrated? No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And now that we've gotten to know each other, I was ready to resume our sexual activities.
But We'll see.
Anyway, now I say we keep waiting.
Uh, uh, wh-why do you now say that? Well, we wouldn't want your boss thinking he had an effect on us, would we? Well, he is the boss, now, isn't he, so Still, we shouldn't give him that satisfaction.
For God's sake, what about my satisfaction? Is what he'll say after hearing of our excellent plan.
[Cell phone chiming.]
[Shuts ringer off.]
Audrey! Audrey! Audrey, get your head out of your ass! Jeff Jeff, I need to talk to you.
What are you doing? Get back out there.
I made a decision.
I'm quitting.
Just 'cause I told you to get your head out of your ass? No, no, not the team.
I'm quitting my job.
What? Why? You were right.
It's making me miserable.
Everybody's job makes them miserable.
That's why they gotta pay you to do it.
[Laughs.]
Come on, there's gotta be something else I can do with my life.
Well, it's not professional softball, I'll tell you that.
For the first time in years, I feel light and alive.
Hey, what's going on out here? It's not game related.
Bob, I'm quitting my job.
Oh, good for you, Audrey.
You looked exhausted the last several times I've seen you.
Is it that obvious? Call 'em as I see 'em.
Hey, what's the hold-up, Jeff? It's nothing, Sully.
Can we just get back to the game? Audrey's quitting her job.
Really? You know, I recently quit my job.
Started making customized bird houses.
Well, you know, Jeff and I are working on starting a family.
No kidding? You know, my wife went back to work full-time after the twins were born.
She had a really hard time finding balance.
I can't find balance now.
Then I gotta respect your decision.
Thank you.
That means a lot, Johnny mo.
[Indistinct chatter.]
And there, standing outside my apartment in the rain, was Adam.
Then I walked up to her and I said, "hey "Let me buy you a cup of coffee For the rest of your life.
" What a nice story.
Hmm.
Really made the most of that break.
Hey.
There she is.
Hey there's the future unemployed lady.
Too bad we can't celebrate with a round of popsicles.
So how do you feel? Are you excited? I am, I feel like I'm starting a whole new chapter.
And how do you feel? Initially, I was terrified of losing the second income and Audrey having so much time to buy stuff we don't need.
And now? That's all.
Oh, hey, Timmy, is the mail here yet? What do you think this is? WhatDoYouThink? She's still holding out on you, huh? So are you ever gonna tell Mr.
Dunbar we're doing it again? Hey, Timmy, would you mind please getting me a cup of coffee? No.
I quite like the way things are.
Get it yourself, you spray-tanned dwarf! I'm off to lunch! Shall we?