The Golden Girls (1985) s05e05 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Hi, Sophia.
Boy, I tell you, there is nothing more invigorating than spending a little time on a boat.
Oh, yeah? Not when I sailed to America.
Picture it.
There we were - a tired, poor, huddled mass eating marinara sauce out of a can.
It was hell.
And the entertainment? Some guy from Palermo forgot his accordion, so he sat around singing "0 Solo Mio" while squeezing a monkey.
Sophia.
Sophia what? It was the worst time of my life.
If it weren't for pin the tail on the French, we would've gone stir-crazy.
Hi, Sophia.
Rose, I was just telling Sophia what a wonderful day we had.
Wonderful, my foot.
Blanche, you saw that dolphin.
All tangled up in that tuna boat's net.
Thousands of them die that way each year.
We have to do something.
You are absolutely right.
From this moment on, no more tuna fish.
Blanche, you hate tuna fish.
All right.
Then no more tuna fishermen.
Hi, girls.
Do these pearls look OK with this? Honey, pearls look fine with everything, from the fanciest dress to that.
You have another date with Ken.
Oh, Sophia, do you believe it? And I thought my head was spinning from the splash of vino in my lemonade.
Sophia, you don't put wine in your lemonade.
No.
You're right.
I don't.
It was a joke.
Ha-ha.
Your Ken is quite a catch, Dorothy.
For once I'm a bit jealous.
What's not to be jealous about? The man's gorgeous.
He's got money and class.
I couldn't be happier for you, Dorothy.
I just want to give you a loving mother's advice: Don't blow it! Ma, I have no intention of blowing this.
No, Ken is perfect.
I mean, aside from being one of Miami's most successful lawyers Thank you, Ma.
The man is caring.
He's sensitive.
Do you know that on weekends, he actually puts on a clown's costume and entertains sick kids at the hospital? (doorbell) I mean, what more could I want from a man? Get it out of the gutter, Blanche.
Dorothy.
Hi, sweetheart.
How was your day? My ulcer didn't flare up and I'm having dinner with you.
So I guess it's perfect.
Hi, Ken.
Hey, Kenny.
What's a nice boy like you doing with ulcers anyway? You got a job and a girl who'll do anything for you.
Anything.
You will, won't you, Dorothy? I'll take that as a "Have a good time.
" Don't worry, Mrs.
Petrillo.
I'll have your little girl home at a reasonable hour.
Don't bother.
You kids have fun.
I won't wait up.
Have her back by Tuesday.
No questions asked.
She's gonna blow it.
OK, Paul, we'll see you at the rally on pier five.
Oh, the dolphin will really appreciate it.
Oh, isn't this exciting? Taking part in a protest.
Standing up as free Americans and exercising our right to say: "We're mad as hell and we're not gonna take it anymore!" I'm out of spit.
Can I go now? and you're ready to quit? Blanche, we joined the Friends of Sea Mammals for a reason.
You are so unmotivated.
Well, when I joined this Mammals with Blowholes thing, I didn't expect to be carrying picket signs on some grungy dock.
I was hoping more for a fundraiser cocktail party with Chinese lanterns and Portuguese, no, Hispanic waiters in tight black pants.
And we hire a band to play fish songs in pirate suits with muscles bulging.
Your mouth is watering now, Blanche.
Keep licking.
Hi, girls.
You two are back early.
Of course we're back early.
Ken called before.
He says he needs to talk to Dorothy about something very important.
Dorothy! My God, Dorothy, he's gonna pop the question.
Oh, I don't know that.
Of course you do.
What else could it be? Honey, congratulations.
You're more excited than I am.
Well, why not, Dorothy? Just think of it.
Life with a successful attorney.
The summer homes, the glamorous social circles, those impulsive little trips to Europe with rascally Romans pinching your bottom.
You're a lucky girl, Dorothy.
I hate you.
This is just crazy talk.
I mean, we've only been seeing each other for three months.
I've never even thought of what it would be like if I were Mrs.
Kenneth Whittingham.
Has a nice ring to it.
(doorbell) Go get 'em, pussycat.
Just remember, you and I come as a package.
Ma! Hi.
Sweetheart, I am so excited.
Oh? It's just that I've come to a major decision.
Oh? And it's a decision that affects both of us.
Ohh? Sit down.
Close your eyes and I'll give you a hint.
Okey-dokey.
Well? Can you guess what my decision is? You're becoming Irish? No.
I'm becoming a clown.
A full-time circus clown.
Ken, isn't this a bit sudden? Odd and a bit sudden? No.
I've been doing it for years at children's hospitals.
It's been the one bright spot in my life.
That and you.
Dorothy, I've been lawyering Can change a man.
Yeah, but you're so successful.
I'm also 60 and I'm miserable.
Ah, I went to law school so I could fight for the little guy.
Now I'm fighting for multinational corporations.
I'm so frazzled, I find myself sneaking into the washroom to make balloon giraffes.
Dorothy, I really need for you to understand this.
I've been thinking a lot lately.
I think we're in this for the long haul.
Dorothy, I think this is going to be a very serious relationship.
I feel like a virgin.
Where do the noses go? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What do you say? You with me? Of course.
Oh, great.
How about a celebration? I'm dining with friends from the circus.
Join me? Might as well get my feet wet.
Oh, Ken.
There won't be, like, a dozen tiny dogs, hopping on hind legs, wearing funny hats? Oh, I wish.
Oh, come on, tell me.
How big a disaster was last night? It wasn't a disaster, Blanche.
It was just uncomfortable.
I tried to find common ground, something I could talk to Ken's circus friends about.
But it turns out the Human Cannonball doesn't do that much reading.
Does Ken know how you feel? He asked me how I felt, if I had a good time, and I had to tell him the truth.
I just didn't fit in with the other clowns' wives.
Dorothy, I've been thinking.
It might help you get your mind off this Ken thing for a while.
Why don't you join us at the rally? Oh, no-- Oh, yeah, Dorothy.
Oh, do.
Oh, get out of yourself.
It's for a noble cause.
Or are you so self-centered that you'd rather wallow in self-pity? You're right.
I'll do it.
Oh, good.
Rose, Dorothy's taking my place.
There you are, pussycat.
What's this news about Ken? He gave you a ring, didn't he? Yeah.
Three of them.
Look, Ma, I don't know how to say this, so I'll just give it to you straight out.
Ken is becoming a clown.
Scusi? Ma, he's tired of being a lawyer, so he's joining the circus.
What did you do to him? I didn't do anything.
Yeah, right.
One day the man's a lawyer, the next he's a clown.
Perfectly natural.
Ma, please! This is hard enough as it is.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
I just tend to get a little upset when people ruin my life! Sophia, I don't know what all the hullabaloo is about.
Dating a circus clown would be a dream come true for me.
Reach for the stars, Rose.
No, it would.
Think about it.
Seeing him push those little pigs around in a baby carriage.
Getting hit with a bucket of confetti any time you want.
And sitting up there in the stands, watching him sweep that spotlight into a little circle and thinking, "That's my man!" It's getting hot in here.
Why did this happen? Just when I meet someone that I feel I have a future with, Ken does this.
I know I should be more supportive, but the fact is, I'm embarrassed.
Don't be ridiculous, Dorothy.
You love the man for who he is.
It's not like he's driving you around in a tiny car with a giant key on the back.
Is he? (doorbell) Hi, sweetheart.
You are driving the Lincoln tonight? Sure.
Oh, two things.
We're doubling with Phil and Nancy tonight.
Two things you have to remember: Call them "little people.
" And they hate to be patted on the head.
I found out the hard way.
Kenny.
Come here.
What's with this clown business? Couldn't you be a lawyer and just hang out with clowns? I know it sounds a little odd, Mrs.
Petrillo, but right now I'm just burned out on law.
Frankly, I think I can contribute more to the world in big red shoes and a spinning bow tie and carrying a little umbrella that rains on me.
I see.
Dorothy? Here.
What did you do to him? We may not agree with the fishermen, but we want this demonstration to be peaceful.
In the tradition of you know, the short, bald Indian fellow with the glasses and the diaper.
You know, the one who didn't eat and won an Oscar.
Your sign's drooping again.
Now, what's the matter? It's Ken.
I don't know which end is up.
He called me this morning.
He wants me to travel with the circus.
I'm afraid we're gonna have to call it quits.
Oh, honey, I'd think twice before I cut that guy off.
At your age, how many chances at the brass ring do you have left? All creatures must learn to coexist.
Back where I come from, they do.
That's why the brown bear and the field mouse can share their lives and live in harmony.
'Course, they can't mate, or the mice would explode.
Well, you know what I mean.
I think Rose needs to work on her metaphors.
I know you're down in the dumps, but I'm so glad you came.
I really want us to make a difference today.
Blanche, I am impressed.
You have really changed your tune.
It's funny how that happened.
There I was, staying up last night, coming up with excuses to get out of this.
And then it occurred to me.
I said, "Water Lily" That's what I call myself sometimes.
Oh.
"Water Lily, you've never done anything like this in your life.
Now, this is important.
"For the love of mother earth and the love of mother nature, commit yourself to this, Blanche Devereaux!" Isn't that exciting? Caught a rerun of Flipper on cable, did you? A particularly touching one.
Where Flipper comes to the rescue.
It was only after that I picked up Rose's pamphlets and read about these magnificent creatures.
Oh, that's beautiful.
Water Lily? Uh-huh.
All right, you dolphin people, get away from the gate.
Watch it.
What are you Why can't you people see the light? Why can't you people see that there's another point of view? Get away from here.
Take your hands off me! Let her go! Sweetheart, I came as soon as I could.
Things got out of hand down at the dock.
I'm fine.
Don't worry.
I called Ken.
He's parking the car.
Oh! Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Ken is going to save us.
Everybody, did you hear that? We'll be out of here in no time.
My mother called my boyfriend, a top Miami lawyer.
Nothing to worry about.
We are in good hands.
Oh! Dorothy, sweetheart, there you are.
My God! Ma, you didn't tell me he was in a clown suit! Oh, yeah.
Ken, how could you? Sophia called me at rehearsal.
I'll change.
I just wanted to make sure you were all right.
(honking) Is counsel for the demonstrators present? Here, Your Honor.
Oh, God.
Will the clown approach the bench? Dorothy, I can do this.
Can you do it without the nose? Yes.
What the hell are you trying to do? I know this looks odd.
But I am a registered member of the bar.
I have a card here to prove it.
We're going to jail.
I believe you, counselor, I believe you.
Just proceed.
Thank you, Your Honor.
Make it quick.
Your Honor, this may be my very last appearance before the bar.
Would you indulge me just a little? Thank you.
You know, I have been practicing law for many, many years, and it's always amazed me how little my job actually had to do with justice.
This stuff sounds a little better when you've got lapels and a vest.
Anyway, my clients are charged with trespass.
But the only real crime they committed was their overzealous championing of the defenseless dolphin.
The dolphin, Your Honor, that for centuries has rescued men lost at sea, guided ships back to port.
No, my clients were not trespassing.
My clients were returning the favor.
They simply wanted to protect some of nature's best creations from extinction.
Your Honor you have the opportunity today to make a very disillusioned lawyer happy.
Please answer to a law higher than this state's, and dispense some real justice here.
Please, let's have a little quiet here.
That was a great speech.
Thank you, Your Honor.
But help me out here.
How about something from a law book? OK.
The fracas occurred on a seaside dock abutting navigable waters.
I don't believe that this court has any jurisdiction.
That sounds legal to me.
Counselor, your last day has been a good one.
Case dismissed.
I want you two jailbirds to feel at home.
Dinner's at six.
Pass it on.
Rose, honey, what is the matter? We didn't accomplish anything today, Blanche.
Those tuna fishermen will be out there again tomorrow doing the same thing.
I swear, I feel like a failure.
You can't change the world in one day.
But just think about what we did do.
I bet we saved a few dolphin by keeping that boat off the water, and the next time you're walking along the beach and you see a school swim by, why, you can think, "Maybe I saved those gorgeous creatures from those horrible nets.
" You still think we were a failure? You're right.
I just wish we could save 'em all.
You wanna do more? Fine.
Let's go back down to the dock.
Really? Sure.
I know a waterfront bar where a lot of foreign fishermen hang out.
Do you think they'd listen to me? Well, sure, they will, honey.
They don't speak English and they're horny.
Where are you going? To demonstrate.
To celebrate.
So, anything special you want to do tonight? Ken There is something.
Dorothy, you know you have the most beautiful eyes? And a quarter in your ear.
We really have to talk.
What's the matter? I don't know whether this is harder to say or harder to hear.
Ken, you're a lovable man, with a lot of lovable qualities, but I don't love you.
It's this clown thing, isn't it? I thought that's what was bothering me.
But, Ken, if I loved you, I'd follow you anywhere.
I'm sorry.
I see.
I think we were both trying too hard to make this work.
You on your terms, me on mine.
But I know that I am not prepared to give up my life.
And, Ken, could you give up the circus for me? Could you give up the laughter? The smiles on those children's faces? Do you know something, Dorothy? I don't think I could.
Could I give up the fat lady for you? No.
Could I give up the elephants for you? No.
The chimps? The sword-swallower-- Ken.
I think I have a grip on this.
I guess at our age, we do a lot of wishful thinking.
We did come close, though.
If the circus is ever in town, I'll leave the tent flap open for you.
I'm gonna miss you.