The Middle s05e05 Episode Script

Fall in the Midwest means one thing and one thing only-- football.
And with Axl playing college ball for the first time, the pressure was on.
All right.
We got to get this thing in the end zone.
You go right.
I'm gonna go left.
- Got it! - Ready?! Break! Let's go, freshmen! The thing is, Axl had gone from a big man on a small campus to a small man on a bigger campus.
Here you go, freshman! So, Hutch, where are you from? Chicago.
How about yourself? Uh, a few towns thataway.
I couldn't stay forever, though.
Had to break out, test my stuff in the real world.
- Ah, I feel you.
- Yeah.
I already killed it back home, so I had to move on.
- Mm.
- I was so awesome, it was like I walked around my high school in slow motion.
Hmm.
Prom king! - Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, I can see that.
- You're a good-looking guy.
- Mm.
I'd hit that if I was into hitting that kind of thing.
Thanks, man.
So, you liking college? Hells yeah.
What's not to like? Yeah.
Same here, man.
Time of my life.
Hey.
Don't eat that.
It's for the trick-or-treaters.
Licorice menorahs? Yeah, well, when I buy the good stuff, we eat it all before Halloween.
So this way, none of us will be tempted.
Yeah.
Gross, right? So, where's Brick? I got sick of him not emptying the dishwasher, so I finally punished him.
I made him go to a party.
Wow.
Pretty rough for just the dishwasher.
Well, he pushed me too far.
I told him if he doesn't shape up, he's getting a playdate.
Well, that was horrible.
Maybe next time, you listen to your mom.
No, it was a new kind of horrible.
I mean, at the few elementary-school parties I was invited to, boys would run around and be stupid, but now there's boys and girls, and everyone just hangs out in the basement.
Every time I turned up the lights to read, someone would just dim them down again.
Next time I go to a party, I'm bringing my itty-bitty book light.
Ah-- well, you know, Brick, you're at that age where boys and girls are starting to notice each other.
You just might not be there yet.
Oh, I'm there.
I'm definitely there.
- You are? - Big time.
There's this one girl I really like-- Harper.
Really? Oh, wow, Brick! So, what is it that you like about her? Is she into books, like you? No, over the summer, she got her boobs.
Oh.
So, uh, was she at the party? Did you try to talk to her? Not exactly, but I kind of stared at her for an hour until she got creeped out, so I'm definitely on her radar.
Brick, you can't just stare at someone when you like 'em.
You kind of have to, you know Jump in anytime, dad.
Well, when I was your age and I liked a girl, I would ride my bike by her house.
Yeah, I don't know if people do that anymore.
From what I've gleaned, they do more communicating through social media-- you know, texts, tweets, and whatnot.
They also don't use words like "Gleaned.
" That's perfect for you, Brick-- no eye contact, all words.
Yeah.
I guess that might be more apropos.
But don't say "Apropos"! We really should redo the basement - so he'll have someplace to live.
- Mm.
Throw him down! Get that pin! The fighting hens will - cleanse your sin! - peel your skin! kick him in the mouth! You know what? Wrestlerettes isn't just about well-thought-out cheers that people spent a lot of time coming up with.
It's about chemistry.
There is only one way to fix this.
- Hemlock? - Quit because we suck? - Prayer circle? No.
Team bonding sleepover.
Mandatory! Axl, why did you take all my stuff out? God, you are so selfish.
You have all week to relax and do all the laundry you want.
How many uniforms do you own? They're hazing him, Frankie.
Making him do their laundry.
Brings the team closer together.
Okay.
I don't get men at all.
Yeah, I'm with you.
This is really-- Oh.
Ohh.
- What are you doing? - Every time I get a text from a senior, I got to hop on one foot.
- But they're not even here.
- Oh, they'll know.
Hey, Brick.
Hey, you never told me what happened with that Harper girl, hmm? Did you ever e-mail her? - Uh-huh.
- You did?! Did she write you back? Yep.
About five days ago.
Are you serious? So, what did she say? What did you say? Nothing.
I haven't answered back.
Brick, you can't leave her hanging for five days.
Mike, tell him.
I gave him the bike idea.
That's my best stuff.
Hey, she's online.
Good.
This is good.
You got to message her.
Tell her you're sorry.
You forgot to get back to her.
Okay.
"Sorry I didn't get back to you.
I forgot.
" Wait.
Don't say you forgot.
It sounds like you don't care.
Make up a good excuse.
"Sorry I didn't get back to you.
I had diarrhea.
" Send? Wait.
Did you just hit "Send"?! Mike, he just hit "Send.
" Smooth, Brick.
Might as well pull the plug.
There's no coming back from that.
What? No, we're okay.
Come on, this is totally fixable.
You just got to make sure she knows it was a joke.
Why are we hopping? How much hopping did I miss? Brick's talking to a girl, and mom's losing her mind.
Oh.
Got it.
Hit her with a "jk" and a smiley face.
Go.
Typety, type, type! She said, "Ha.
" - Yes! - Good job, mom.
- Yay! All right.
Now you got her on the hook.
Now you just got to reel her in.
Tell her you enjoyed seeing her at school today.
Ask if you can take her to lunch.
Oh, my God.
Brick, don't listen to anything these people say.
I mean, look who they ended up with.
She asked what I'm doing right now.
Oh, boy.
Okay, come on, guys.
- What's he doing? What's he doing? - I got this.
You absolutely do not got this.
Wait.
Quick, open a side window and pull up kickinitteenstyle.
com.
- Their teen text tutor is very good.
- Oh, my God! Tell her you're putting your baseball cards in your bike spokes.
- No, no, you're playing charades with your family.
- Hello! Who in this room has actually kissed anyone in the past 10 years besides a gross mom? Brick, the correct response to "What are you doing?" is "Nothin'.
" All lowercase, and don't you dare put a "G" on the end.
She said, "Cool.
" - Boom! It's on! - Mmm.
- Whoo! - Okay, okay.
- Okay, what's next? Got to keep it rolling.
I'm gonna ask her if she's read "Planet Nowhere.
" No! How about No! Don't I want her to know the real me?! - No! - No! - No! - Oh, God, no! She said, "Are you still there?" We're losing her! Come on, ticktock, people.
The clock's running out.
Can I ask her to go to the Halloween dance with me? Huh.
What do you guys think? I like it.
It's a gutsy move.
It's a little risky.
What if he scares her off? He already told her he has diarrhea.
He has nothing to lose.
So, we're all in agreement? We're doing this? We're going for it.
We are going for it, people! - Whoo! - Whoo! "Will you go to the dance with me?" Sending? I'm sending! She said, "Yes"! Yeah! All right! - All right! - Whoo! Okay, well, I think we can all agree that trust falls were a failed experiment.
So, what do you guys want to do? We could have a séance.
Ooh! Very Halloween-y.
I like it! Becky, get the lights.
So what do we do? Uh, let's hold hands.
Okay, first, we need to call the spirit of a dead person.
It's your house, so you should probably make the call.
Okay.
Uh Oh, spirits.
I know this is your busy season with Halloween coming up and all, but if it's cool with you, we would like to contact the spirit of Christopher Columbus! Christopher Columbus? He discovered America, you guys, and I just love America so much! Oh, spirits, if Christopher Columbus is in the room with us right now, please give us a sign-- any sign.
Hear our call.
Show us your spirit is here.
'Sup? What's going on? I used to be able to land a girl just with a "'Sup?" I once scored a barista with a wink and a "What's kickin'?" You know what I miss? I miss being cool.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Hey, baby.
How's it going? You know what we got to do? What, go back to high school and pretend we're still seniors? No.
We got to throw a party and let the hotties come to us.
Yes, that's a genius plan, my friend-- genius plan.
Hey, ladies-- Halloween party, Willard 305! Tell your friends! So then, we're holding hands for the séance, and I say, "If Christopher Columbus is in the room right now"-- Hang on.
Christopher Columbus? I'm 16, mom.
I don't know a lot of dead people.
Anyway, we asked his spirit for a sign.
And all of a sudden, I see the Santa Maria sail across our wood paneling.
Check the liquor cabinet.
Dad, this really happened.
I'm serious.
I was sitting right there, and I looked over at the wall, and there it was-- the Santa Maria.
You sure it wasn't the Niña or the Pinta or the Never Happened-a? Anyway, it was sort of light and glowing and it sailed from the commemorative royal baby goblet all the way to dad's cornhole trophy.
Who'd have thought? My very first séance, and I see an actual sign from the beyond.
I must be really good at it.
- Mm.
- Mm.
We might want to clear out the other half of the basement for her.
So, Axl and Hutch threw their first college party, and sure enough, it was a huge success right after they left to make a snack run.
Oh, check it out.
Told you it would work.
Pardon us-- our party.
- Excuse us.
- You're welcome.
Party hosts coming through.
Oh! - Whoo! - Hey, hey, you can't go in there.
Oh, no, no, no, it's my party.
I don't think so.
This is a football party.
I know.
We're football players.
Remember us? Yesterday, you made us drink out of a mop bucket.
Yeah, we just went out to get some chips.
Hey, hey, hey! We got chips! Yeah! Oh, oh, come-- You're seriously gonna keep me out of my own party?! Oh, man! There's a hot chick sitting right on my bed! Oh, and we got a slutty nurse! - What? - And a slutty Alice In Wonderland! I don't even know what that is, but it's definitely slutty.
Hey.
I'm off to the dance.
What are you supposed to be? Well, I'm a bookmark.
Brick! I thought we agreed you were going to be a gangster, remember? We talked about how cool you'd look in a fedora and how much Harper would like it.
Yeah, but then I decided what sixth grader doesn't love a bookmark? So, any last-minute advice before I head off to my first dance? Whoop! Just just Good luck.
Trick or treat! Oh, come on.
You guys seriously ate all the licorice menorahs? The whole point of buying this crap candy is so that we wouldn't eat it! We are the worst family ever! Trick or treat! Quick, hit the lights.
We got to hide.
Mom, mom, I have to tell you what happened today.
Tell me in the laundry room! We're hiding from the trick-or-treaters.
Come on, open the door! So, at school today, I was telling everyone in class about how I saw the ghost of the Santa Maria appear on our paneling.
Whoa.
You told people about this? Yeah.
So, then my biology teacher said-- - You told your teacher, too? - Of course.
I wanted to get his scientific opinion on this supernatural phenomena.
Anyway, I am getting so many different reactions to this story.
You know what? This would make a great article for the student paper.
I'm gonna go jot down some notes.
- Trick or treat! - Belly crawl! I see you! Trick or treat! Open up! Okay, you got to stop her.
From what? From sounding like an idiot, Frankie.
She's telling people she saw Christopher Columbus on our wall.
So what? She's excited.
- Who cares? - I care.
It'd be fine if she was 5, but she's 16 now.
She's got to grow up, or people are gonna think she's nuts.
Okay, yes, she's a little innocent compared to other girls her age, but you should be happy about that.
She's sweet and trusting and open to everything.
That's what makes her Sue.
Look, I don't want to change her.
I just want to protect her.
I'm her dad.
That's my job.
She can be herself all she wants at home.
But in public, she's just got to dial down the Sue a little bit, you know? That's all-- just so people don't laugh at her.
Fine, we'll talk to her.
I just want to be sensitive.
Move on, you little beggars! Can't you see we're not home?! We'll have the last dance, I will be your best friend Do you want to watch a movie or something? My roommate's got a copy of the "Tooth Fairy" starring the rock.
It's funny, 'cause he's big and he's a tooth fairy.
No! I want to go to my party in my room right now! I mean, eventually, I do want to watch that movie, 'cause it sounds like a great premise, but first we do this.
Whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh come on, come on let's pretend it's the last one Follow my lead.
Then we're looking toward the sky Stage dive! we're standing side by side this feeling's coming over me but I, I start to recognize the only thing I need is you standing close to me, yeah Hi.
I'm Axl.
Sometimes we want the answers Hey.
Sometimes we wonder why He's here.
Wow, you do not want to see the front of the house.
It's a pumpkin crime scene out there.
So, how was the dance? Did you talk to Harper? Come on, spill it.
Mama wants some deets.
Well, she came up to me and said "Hi.
" At that point, I got sort of nervous, so my hands started to shake.
Soon the shaking spread to my whole body.
I tried to stop it, but that's when the dizziness set in.
It's weird-- you always hear people say the room started spinning, but it really did.
I think that's about the time I bit my tongue, 'cause I tasted my own blood.
At least I think that was my blood-- it could have been hers.
I clawed her face pretty good on the way down.
The way down? Yeah, I took out the whole snack table.
Anyway, when I came to, I was getting oxygen from the paramedics.
Apparently, I banged my head on the punch bowl.
They said I'm supposed to sleep upright tonight and you need to check my pupils once an hour.
Clearly, I am not ready for a real relationship.
Oh, well.
We tried.
Oh.
They said I'm supposed to sleep upright tonight and you need to check my pupils once an hour.
Did I mention that already? Hmm.
Guess we're the last ones.
We should probably go.
Oh.
Uh, hey, you can't leave yet.
You haven't even been to the beach.
Uh, would you care to take a moonlit stroll on the sand? Okay, maybe I've had too many jello shots, but this is really cool! We should go get our bikinis! Oh, my God.
Seriously? This is not happening! Okay, you know what? That's it.
We're done.
No more jumping or flapping or playing jockstrap gas mask.
We are taking back our cool! Oh, yeah, we are.
And besides, how are they even gonna know? Uh, yeah.
Pbht! So, you were saying something about bikinis.
Oh, God, no.
No, no! No! Aah! - Ladies, we'll be right back.
- Come on! These boots were made for walking! Yo, dude, that pirate girl was totally into you.
I could tell.
Thanks, man.
You were killing it with that cowgirl.
Yep! We're back! We are definitely back.
High five! - I'll get you later.
- Yeah.
Hey, guys, what do you think about this for a headline? "The night I asked Christopher Columbus for a sign and got the Santa Maria, AKA The Sue-ance, colon, I'm not kidding.
It really happened.
Dot, dot, dot-- it's true.
I'm totally serious.
" I had another one, but it was too long.
Sue, uh, before we hit the sack, we kind of wanted to talk to you about all this.
We know you think you saw something, a-and that's great.
What's not so great is the you know, telling people.
Why not? 'Cause it sounds a little nuts.
But that's why I have to tell people, because it's so unbelievable.
You guys were supposed to check my pupils an hour ago.
Oh.
You're fine.
I'm telling you, I saw the Santa Maria.
It was white and glowing and sailed right across the paneling in our family room.
Okay, Sue, let's be honest.
That could be a million things.
- Like what? - Oh, I don't know-- the Moon, a shadow, the headlights of a car coming up the street.
Dad, headlights don't look like the ships of famous explorers.
Honey, we all think we've seen strange things.
You know, when I was little, I looked out my window, and I swear to God, I saw a UFO beam our trash can up into the spaceship.
Really? Wait.
Can I quote you for my article? No, no-- the point is, even though it seemed very real at the time, I know it wasn't.
Well, that might be because time is a circle, but it's also sometimes a line.
See, you're either experiencing something in the past that you would have experienced in the future, or you're remembering something that already happened that you haven't seen yet.
Also, did you know that you can taste colors? You guys, I know what I saw.
Yeah, well, sometimes our mind plays tricks on us.
Like one time, I woke up, and saw an old woman sitting at the end of my bed.
But you don't hear me talking about it.
What? You never told me that.
'Cause there's nothing to tell.
Well, obviously, there's something to tell.
Eh, it was nothing.
She was sitting there.
She looked straight at me.
We stared at each other for a minute.
End of story.
What did she look like? I don't know.
She was wearing an old-timey robe kind of thing.
But that's not my point.
My point is that it didn't happen, and that's-- So, you don't know who it was? No.
I mean, she looked like my grandma, but - Your grandma?! - Yeah.
She was wearing kind of a big pin.
A pin? You mean like the one in every single picture I have ever seen of your grandmother? Did she say anything? No, just Well, she said, uh, "Everything's gonna be okay," - but that was really it.
- Oh, my God! Now I totally believe I saw the Santa Maria! No-- look, what I'm saying is, my grandma was probably just on my mind.
So I was thinking about her.
That's all.
Or your dead grandmother came to see you in the middle of the night.
Frankie, it never happened.
And you know how I know? Because she's dead.
It was just my mind playing tricks on me, and I don't go around telling people about it because it sounds insane.
No, it sounds incredible! I mean, there are so many beautiful, amazing things that happen every day that sound crazy.
Think about it.
If I had to explain the miracle of how babies are born to someone who didn't know, wouldn't I sound insane? Yeah, but-- And stars.
I read that when a star explodes, the dust they find is the same thing that makes up humans, animals, the entire universe.
How amazing is that? The same stardust is in everything and everyone-- me, you, even Christopher Columbus.
You know, in his day, some people still thought the world was flat.
Columbus said it was round, and people thought he was crazy.
Look, I know there's always gonna be doubters, but it just takes someone who thinks, "Why can't it be true?" to truly change the world, and I am one of those people.
So how can you sit there on this planet made of stardust that was once thought to be flat and still not think anything is possible? Because it isn't.
Now let's go.
It's late.
Time for bed.
That night, as everyone drifted off to sleep, what Sue had said was in all our minds some more than others.
Was it headlights? The ghost of the Santa Maria? Or even a little bit of stardust? Who knows? Anything is possible.