Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e06 Episode Script

We used to roll Eileen Watkins down this hill.
You couldn't afford marbles, that's very sad.
Eileen Watkins what did she look like? Very dusty and covered in bits of grass.
I mean, before you rolled her down the hill? Terrible! I mean, it wasn't as though we was particular when we was lads.
But, cor, she had a face that Well, it just, sort of, went with rolling downhill.
They've practically died out, these old customs.
I mean, who goes Eileen Watkins rolling these days? Of course, I didn't move in the same intellectual circles as you and Chunky Rumbelow, so I don't remember Eileen Watkins.
You must remember Eileen Watkins! She looked like King Farouk.
I don't suppose that King Farouk could really have been Eileen Watkins all the time? Eileen Watkins went to live at Mablethorpe.
I'm not surprised if you kept rolling her down hills.
It wasn't me so much, it were Chunky.
She were in love with Chunky Rumbelow.
My God, that was made in heaven, wasn't it? Did he ever learn to speak? Chunky could speak.
Of course, I only met him a few times.
He spent the best part of an afternoon once kneeling on my chest, stuffing sheep droppings up my nostrils.
Hey, Hey! That sounds like old Chunky.
He had hundreds of uses for sheep droppings.
The funny thing was, I never had a cold all that winter.
COMPO SIGHS They were good days.
Oh, delicious(!) You don't get scabs on your knees like you used to.
That playground was hard, and the flesh of 1930 was softer than many pictures of the period would have us believe.
The school uniform, I remember, was short trousers and the school scab on your knee.
I sometimes think we'd have been a lot taller if they hadn't worn so much of us out on that playground.
COMPO YAWNS I'm glad you yawned, it reminded me I must remember to put my dustbin out.
Do you know what I'd like to do? What I'd really like to do is to jump out of an aeroplane.
Well, don't let us stop you.
With a parachute! Oh, that's right, go on, spoil it.
I've never been up in an aeroplane.
Well it's no good waiting for one up there, you know.
They don't stop when you put your hand out, like a bus.
What do clouds remind you of? A cup of tea and a meat pie at Sid's caff.
Yeah, me too.
I'd like to try hang-gliding.
By the neck, I trust.
Chocks away! Look, it must be Eileen Watkins.
THEY CHUCKLE Are you sure you can mend a microwave? Listen, while these engineers are charging all that much for a visit, I can mend your microwave.
Oh, well, if you say so.
Do you know what's worrying me? No, but I bet I'm going to find out.
It's your expression, it's not the expression of a man who knows what he's doing with a microwave.
You've got that stubborn, but basically baffled look I remember so well from the day you made such a pig's ear of my new washing machine.
How do, Sid? Oh, about the same, Wally.
You could hold the door, it's customary for a man to hold the door.
That'll be the day around here.
I know, but what can you do except giving them a reminder? Go steady! Steady? I married you, didn't I? How steady can you get? I can hardly be accused of being reckless.
Well, find us a table.
Find you one, the place is full of them, you can't miss them.
Escort me to a table.
How about this one? It's too near the door.
Well, give us a clue, then.
Give us a clue! Don't leave everything to me, you're supposed to be taking me out.
You should look around the room, select the best table and escort me to a chair.
Ahem.
He's taking you out, is he? Your birthday, is it, love? No, it's no special occasion, I'm just determined he's going to take me out more, aren't you? I'mgoing to take her out more.
Otherwise, life just keeps passing you by.
Otherwise, life just keeps passing her by.
Oh, I thought when I saw you wearing that hat it was something serious.
No.
We don't get a lot of customers in that model of hat.
I can see why.
But I thought I'd bring him here until I've got his manners polished up a bit, then we can move up to something lessbasic.
You'll be wanting the menu, then.
Yes, and a jug of water.
What do you recommend? A new hat.
No, thank you, you served us that last time.
Well, I've never seen you leave anything on your plate, especially a tip.
I'll give you a tip - no more remarks about my hat.
As long as you keep wearing it, it gets all the bad publicity it needs.
How do you get away with insulting customers? It's not as if your food's good.
There's nothing wrong with my food.
Your pastry's not light enough.
Oh, what a wicked thing to say! Well, you didn't think about that when you were talking about my hat.
No, but a hat's a hat.
There's always something stupid about a hat, that's what you pay for.
That's true.
But it's deeply wounding when people point the finger of scorn at your pastry.
Well, when you're making pastry commercially, you can't expect it to be as good as a woman can make it in her own home.
I wouldn't care if I didn't try.
Look, what fat are you using? Do you think that's it? Ooh, nearly every time.
It's not as if I skimp on it, it's what I use at home.
Come and have a look.
In my experience, it's nearly all down to fat.
Do you think? Here, mind you behave yourself! Here, there's nowt to it.
It's never as easy as it looks.
Look, all tha' needs is a big enough kite.
Tha' runs downhill with it, jumps in the air, and there you are.
Seriously injured.
Flying! Hang-gliding! You haven't got the first grasp of aerodynamics, not to mention rent-paying.
Why, you'd never get it off the ground.
Hang-gliding is a young man's activity.
That's what they said about extra-marital relations.
That's a right bit of wire, is that.
Aye.
It's not just your fuse, isn't that.
No, it's not just a fuse.
You've got to know what you're doing to fiddle with stuff like that.
You know, I'm glad you're bringing your missus out more.
I'd sooner be fiddling with something like this.
Me too, if I could get on with it.
Hey, have you thought of putting this wire in here? Keep your fingers out, will you? Pass me that little bent bit there.
Now look what you've done! You've dropped a piece.
Leave things alone, will you? Come round here and help me pick these bits up.
COMPO: I know what I'm doing.
You can come out now, Sid, the food inspector's gone.
Hey, Norm! Why has Sid got Wally on the floor behind the counter? Maybe because there's no room on the shelf.
BANG Ooh! Ooh, that was nasty! Oh, the things you can do to your moving parts.
Not in a restaurant, you can't.
Look, will you stop rotating your kneecap? I gave it a hell of a crack! If one thing goes straight to my cringing reflex, it's someone rotating their kneecap.
That, and cracking their knuckles.
Eating red-hot chips going It makes you shudder, and people whose sauce-bottle tops look as though they've got bunches of raisins on them.
Wally's good with his hands, he built that pigeon loft.
Hey, Wally, could you build me a big kite? Now, if you're persisting with this ridiculous idea, you're going to finish up Can you build a big kite, Wally? What sort of big kite? Well, like a sort of flying pigeon loft, for hang-gliding purposes.
Hang-gliding? Who's going hang-gliding? Me! I'll be back in a minute, I'm just putting this in my microwave.
He's a great big clever dick, ain't he? I thought he was supposed to put meat pies in the microwave.
I mean, who eats hot bent wire? He's mending the microwave.
Well, there's only an idiot would tamper with a microwave, is he qualified? For an idiot, he is.
They've hurt his rotten feelings.
Get off! Anyway, I don't see what's so funny about me going hang-gliding.
The last of the suicide pilots, Mikimoto strikes again! "There he goes," they'll say, "the Flying Welly!" Hold still a minute.
What are you doing? Get off! No, no! Ah-so! And ah-so to you lot, and all! No, don't take them off.
No, no.
They've transformed you, that pair of glasses have.
I bet they have, I can't flaming see.
Look at that blink.
Did you see that blink? Do it again.
What? You know, the The What the hell's he? No, don't come too close.
I'm not looking in your eyes if you come too close.
I can't stand that red one.
I'll watch the red one, I'm having a bad day anyway.
Ready when you are, then, Compo-san! Give it to us full face, the blink.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! I've got to cycle myself up for this, tha' knows.
It's blinking difficult.
Oh, dear.
Right now, let's see.
What do you want? Do you want the super blink or the economy pack? We'll leave it to you.
Oh, dear.
Decisions, decisions.
Come on, get on with it! All right, here it comes, here it comes! The super-duper blink, stand by! Did you see that? That was like a blink, you don't see blinks like that anymore.
When you see that red eye magnified behind his glasses, it looks like a fire in a spaghetti factory.
Oh, dear.
These glasses, they give my eyeballs a hernia.
No, keep them on, because you see, that wasn't a Yorkshire blink.
It wasn't? No, turn your chair round.
Right.
Here we go, let's try this.
Now, hold.
Little fella, him big kamikaze! Ah, where's my joystick? Don't you dare answer that! It's totally Oriental, it's pure Japanese.
It's incredible how Japanese those glasses make you look.
Hey, I'll bet your father was Japanese.
Get away! He was nimble enough on his feet.
He was away before you ever got a good look at him.
In fact, he was away before even your mother got a good look at him.
Japanese? With a name like Wythenshawe? Well, there you are, you see.
Damn cunning, these Orientals.
That's right, you think about it, it gives you an air of realillegitimacy.
That's true, and I'm fond of rice pudding.
How Japanese can you get? Look how foreign you've always found the English language.
Wait a minute.
I can't be Japanese, my mam said my dad came from Chesterfield.
Well, that's it, then.
Is it? It certainly is, I mean, it's practically a Japanese colony is Chesterfield, look at that church steeple.
They do say that the Japanese are very gifted in the trickier practices of the marriage bed.
Where've you been picking up bits of information like that? There must have been radical changes in the editorial policy of the Pigeon Fanciers' Gazette.
Hey, Norm.
What did he say us Japanese are gifted at? The trickier practices of the marriage bed.
All that means round this part of the world is knowing how to secure more than your share of the eiderdown.
Cha! Da-da! Haa-haa! All right, chippy-san-man! Three honourable gentlemen want big plate old Japanese delicacy, sweet and sour mushy pea.
BANG! ELECTRICAL BUZZING NORA: Oh! Oh! IVY: Well, now you've mended that, I suggest for an encore you put the blasted fire out! SID: It's only a bit of smoke.
Ha! What is this vision that has come from Sid's klitchen? Oh, my God! If it's not the rheumatics, it's him.
Ha! It's Joan Crawford! Keep away! No, no! 'Tis not Joan Crawford.
'Tis Nola Batty.
In sheer-silk nylon clinkly stocking.
And velly funny hat.
Are you going to sit there and let him insult me? I'm not tangling with no Japanese.
What's he doing?! What's he doing? There's no telling once he's gone bushido, Nora, distract him with a flick of your fan.
Cha! Pey! Pey! Pow! Oh! Well, if he wants to tackle my missus, he's bound to have the nerve for hang-gliding.
Oooh! Ah, so! Oh, Lord! Don't look down! Don't look down! What's thou brought us up here for? Training, training.
If you're going to start hang-gliding, we've got to start training you for heights.
Ah! I'm not jumping off here! Come back, that man! Don't make any sudden movements, Compo.
Hold my hand, hold my hand! Don't let go of him, Clegg.
Hold on to him.
I am holding on, I'm holding on to everything! No! Get your hands of my neck! Stop thinking of yourself all the time! Get out of it! It's all right for thee, it's me he wants to jump off! Don't be ridiculous, I don't want you to jump.
Well, when I say, "I don't want you to jump," I mean, if you insist, who am I to interfere? Norm, let go.
I have let go! Then what you got that vice-like grip on my arm for? If you're going to split hairs We don't want to hurt you.
Oh, no, knocker chops? Not till I hit bottom! We just want to get you accustomed to heights, give you the feel of a bit of altitude.
A bit?! Did you hear that, Norm, a bit? Look at it! Look! Thanks for the invitation, but I'd rather keep my eyes closed! Just come over here to the edge and look down.
It really is rather a splendid view.
And you've got to admire the workmanship that went into a thing like this.
The vision of the Victorian builders, their confidence.
Where's it all gone, eh? Where has it all gone? Where the hell have those two gone? Come back here! Ah! I thought you'd find your way here.
Our intrepid birdman(!) Here, get your face round that.
Yes, a fine flyer you're going to be.
It's terrible seeing grown men turn white.
It's your round next.
It's terrible seeing grown men turn white.
COMPO CACKLES Yes, my popularity doesn't come out of a purse, you know? It couldn't get out with all the locks and chains you've got on it.
Foggy's saving up for his old age.
Though I don't know why cos you get it for free.
Oh, if it's for free he'll be there! Are you suggesting I don't stand my corner? That's all you do, just stand.
I've never met anybody with such an ability to avoid paying for a round.
I resent that.
Listen, people come for miles just to study his technique of the empty glass.
Beautiful.
What technique? Making it last.
Well, I don't drink as fast as you.
Well, nobody drinks as fast as him, he's got a throat like a flush lavatory.
In times of drought I wonder they don't make him put a brick in it.
It's true, he can sink a drop, but then he learnt at the hands of a master.
Who was that? That big bird that you used to go bat-hunting with.
Oh, aye, Slack Edna.
Bat-hunting?! Aye.
What kind of a person goes bat-hunting? Big drinkers, usually.
She were a demon of a drinker, were Edna.
But strangely unreliable at dominoes.
Well, none of us is perfect.
But why did she go bat-hunting? For bats, you stupid prong! What, flying bats? Of course flying bats, they're no damn good to you if they're running round your feet, are they? Well what damn good are they if they're flying? Look, she wanted their wings.
She had this idea to make bat-skin handbags and things like that.
Luxury bat-skin wear, I like it.
Yeah, that could have caught on.
Edna, the bat-skin millionaire.
Then why didn't it catch on? She didn't catch any.
Why not? Have you ever tried to catch a bat? Sad, really.
In the long summer evenings when the pubs turned out, she could be seen swaying, ghost-like in the churchyard, counting the little handbags fluttering past her head.
Which leads us naturally to the next question, Foggy.
Are you going to get a round in or are we just going to stand here all day talking bats? All right, all right.
I'll buy the next round.
You'll do what?! I said, "I'll buy the next round.
" Good on you, mate! Hey, Foggy! I'll have a whisky this time! Oh, it's generous of you, Foggy! Happy birthday, Foggy! Happy birthday, Foggy! # Happy birthday to you, # Happy birthday, dear Foggy # Happy birthday to you.
# THROATY LAUGHTER I didn't think it was all that amusing.
Relax, foggy.
Enjoy your birthday.
I wouldn't mind so much if it was my birthday.
Oh, yes, you would.
Don't lie.
Go on, cheer up.
Think of all the pleasure you've given to all them thirsty blokes.
Yes, that's another thing - what are they doing in a pub at lunchtime? Why aren't they working? Bone idle? # Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you # Happy birthday, dear Foggy Happy birthday, dear Foggy # Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you.
# Are you going to lie there all day? I'd like to, with Nora Batty.
Wouldn't you rather have measles? Do you know, Norm, I think I'm in love with Nora Batty.
That must be thrilling for her.
It's like being adopted by a death watch beetle.
She makes me tinkle all over.
I think he means tingle.
That's it, Norm, tinkle all over.
Rubbish! Well, all right, then.
Not all over, mainly in the region of my .
.
elbow.
The elbow? A seat of very powerful emotions, is the elbow.
The elbow? In Yorkshire, anyway.
God knows what weird areas the passions could be sited in down south.
You get down as far as Luton and I shudder to think what they might be including among their erotic zones.
Yes, well I fail to see what possible connection the elbow has with powerful emotions.
Has thou ever tried cracking it on the corner of a table? Come on, both of you, get up.
Up, come on, up! The Fuhrer has spoken! Come on, that man.
Pick up the stride, pick up the stride.
Knees up, hup, hup-hup, hup-hup.
I can't get them up any higher, they're fixed to my legs! How do you expect to go hang-gliding if you're not fit? Listen, you just have to hang on, you don't have to peddle it! I haven't had so much fun since I broke my ankle.
Just proves my point, you're out of condition.
He may be out of condition, I've never been in condition.
It's too late to start now.
I have seen more stamina in a rubber duck.
Why did the rubber duck? Because he saw the zip fly! Ah, it's the simple things in life you miss first, like breathing for instance.
I could soon knock you into shape.
I wish he hadn't said knock.
I do wish he hadn't said knock.
Ah, but what sort of shape does he want to knock us into, eh? I hope he doesn't want to think we want to be the same shape as him.
You can scoff.
You weren't so chirpy up there on the viaduct.
Lost your taste for the wild blue yonder then, didn't you? You can't stand heights.
Well, I'm not used to viaducts.
Well, who do you think is used to viaducts? You don't think people go sneaking around after dark getting practice in at viaducts, do you? I like it - unlawful nocturnal knowledge of a viaduct.
Makes you shudder, doesn't it? I can stand ordinary heights as well as thee.
I'll match thee any day.
Is that a challenge? Listen, before this goes any further Ah, He's all gob.
Let me get this straight, are you challenging me to a duel to see who can climb the highest? I am.
Oh, dear.
If it's a duel tha' wants, it's a duel tha' shall have.
Listen, why don't we sit down and talk about this? Choose your weapons.
A tree.
A tree? Yes, we'll each choose a tree about the same size and see who can climb the highest.
Done! I'll take this one.
I'll take this one.
When you've had enough just climb down again.
Don't worry, I'll be climbing when you've packed it in.
We'll see about that.
Right, off we go, then.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Right! Right.
(Hey, Norm.
Give us a leg up.
) Slight technical hitch, if you could just see us onto the first branch, Clegg.
Are you quite sure about this? Oh, absolutely, yes.
I mean You see If you could just bend down there, you see then I can Walk all over my back? I'm sorry about that, but You know.
Ah! It's very civil of you, you know, Clegg.
Do you want me to take my wellies off? Don't you dare.
I'm not having your feet running loose every which way.
OK.
Well, come on, get hold of my welly, then! Eurgh! Eurgh! How's he doing? Has he packed in, yet? Here, they don't call me Tarzan for nothing.
As far as I can judge, you're both about equally crackers.
Doesn't he know I'm in my element, here? We used to do this all the time on snipers courses.
You're a fool.
CRACKING AND RUSTLING Oh! I seem I seem to have got my braces caught COMPO LAUGHS Look at him! Braces caught in the The dozy buttock! He's got caught! Cleggy! I've got this branch, it's passed right through the hole in my trousers! I'll be all right, I'll be all right in a minute, you see, when I WHISTLING Oh, yeah.
Fire brigade, please.