Seinfeld s05e06 Episode Script

Professional tennis-- I don't understand the shushing.
Why are they always shushing? Don't the players know that we're there? Should we duck behind the seats so they don't see us watching them? To me, tennis is basically just Ping-Pong and the players are standing on the table.
That's all it is.
And that goofy scoring.
You win one point, all of a sudden you're up by 1 5.
Two points, 30-Iove.
30-Iove.
Sounds like an English call girl.
"That'll be 30, love.
And could you be a little quieter next time, please?" Are these seats unbelievable, or what? -Hey, where's the sunblock? -Here.
Twenty-five? You don't have anything higher? -What, are you on Mercury? -I need higher.
This has PABA in it.
I need PABA-free.
-You got a problem with PABA? -I have a problem with PABA.
-You don't even know what PABA is.
-I know enough to stay away from it.
Thirty-love.
-So you going to Todd's party? -lf somebody else drives.
You going? -Gwen really wants to go.
-You're bringing a date to a party? No good? A party's a bad date situation.
It doesn't matter who you're with.
You could be with J.
Edgar Hoover.
You don't wanna sit and talk with Hoover all night.
You want to circulate.
Why'd you pick Hoover? Is he that interesting to talk to? Well, with the law enforcement and the cross-dressing seems like an interesting guy.
Yeah, I guess.
What can I do? I gotta take her with me.
Todd introduced us.
I'm obligated.
That woman is absolutely stunning.
-Who, the Croat? -No, not the Croat.
The lineswoman.
That is the most beautiful lineswoman I've ever seen.
Yeah, she's a BL.
-BL? -Beautiful lineswoman.
I'm gonna go to the concession stand to get some real sunblock.
You want anything? Jerry? Jerry? You know, I just heard the Lexington line is out.
You are kidding me.
How am I supposed to get to this meeting? Take a car service.
We have an account.
No, forget it.
I hate those.
Every time I've taken one, the driver will not stop talking to me.
No matter how disinterested I seem, he just keeps yakking away.
Why does everything have to have a social component? See, the stagecoach.
Now, that would've been a good situation for me.
I'm in the coach, and the driver's way up there on the stage.
You're not gonna get a cab now, Bring a magazine.
Keep your head down.
Yeah, I guess that could work.
And that is it.
Match to Ms.
Natalia Baudone.
Coming up next, men's singles.
But for now, let's stop and look at our beautiful tennis-center backdrop.
Hey! There's George.
Holy cow.
It's a scorcher.
Boy, I bet you that guy could cover a lot of court.
Hey, buddy, they got a new invention.
It's called a napkin.
Well, we'll take a station break and continue with more action.
Dag Hammarskjold Plaza, huh? Pendant Publishing, that's books, right? Miss? -Pardon me? -Books.
That's what you do? Yeah.
Yeah, I don't read much myself.
Well, you know, besides the paper.
Yeah, a lot of people read to relax.
Not me.
You know what I do? You know, I'm having a lot of trouble hearing you back here, so.
I said, you know what I do when I want to relax? The jumble.
Hey, do you make a book of jumbles? I'm gonna have to be honest with you.
I'm going deaf.
-Going deaf? -What? Oh, I.
I'm sorry.
It can be very frustrating.
Hey, what about a hearing aid? Am I fearing AIDS? Oh, yeah, sure.
Who isn't? But, you know, you gotta live your life.
No, no, no.
I said-- Forget it.
I can't take my eyes off this lineswoman.
The woman is absolutely mesmerizing.
-Boy, you are really smitten.
-I gotta talk to her.
-What do you think? -Cold? How you gonna do that? You're not one of those guys.
I'll psych myself into it like those people that walk across the hot coals.
But they're not mocked and humiliated when they get to the other side.
I have to.
I won't be able to live with myself.
Wait.
Jerry, there's a bigger issue here.
If you go through that wall and become one of those guys I'll be left here on this side.
-Take me with you.
-I can't.
What are you gonna say? I don't know.
"Hi.
" You think you're going to the other side with "hi"? You're not gonna make it.
-Base to 92, come in.
-Yeah, this is 92.
Yeah, after this, go back to the city for a 6:00 pickup.
Rightio.
The party's Hanks.
Tom Hanks.
Tom Hanks? After me, you're picking up Tom Hanks? I love him.
So I guess your hearing goes in and out, huh? -Yeah.
Yes, it-- -Yeah, you know what I think? I think you made that whole thing up.
-No, no.
l-- -Yeah, yeah.
I know your type.
You're too good to make conversation with someone like me.
Oh, God forbid you could discuss the jumbles.
But to go so far as to pretend you're almost deaf? I mean, that is truly disgusting, miss.
And Mr.
Tom Hanks-- May I say he, too, would be disgusted by your behavior.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Oh, that's nice.
That's right, ignore me.
That's real polite.
Yeah, nobody's even talking to you.
Oh, you're a big lineswoman.
Oh, like that's some kind of a cool job.
I know your type.
Think you're too good for everyone.
But it's women like you-- Oh, well-- What, are you deaf? Bingo.
-And you're saying she's deaf? -I'm not saying she's deaf.
She's deaf.
-Can't hear a thing.
-Can't hear a thing.
-You're gonna go out with her? -Isn't that something? -Hey.
-Hi.
-Yeah, you know, I know how to sign.
-Really? When I was 8, I had a deaf cousin who lived with us for about a year.
Of course, you know, I haven't been able to do it in a while.
What is this about? I met this deaf lineswoman at the tennis match.
You are kidding.
That is amazing.
I just took a car service from work.
To get the driver not to talk to me, I pretended I was going deaf.
-Good plan.
-It didn't work.
He caught me hearing.
All right.
It's terrible, but I'm not terrible.
-No.
-No.
No.
When I shoo squirrels away, I always say, "Get out of here.
" I never, ever throw things at them and try to injure them -like other people.
-That's nice.
Yeah.
And when I see freaks in the street, I never, ever stare at them.
And yet I'm careful not to look away.
See, because I wanna make the freaks feel comfortable.
-That's nice for the freaks.
-Yeah.
I don't pouf my hair when I go to the movies so people behind me can see.
I gotta make it up to this guy.
I won't be able to live with myself.
-What can I do? -Why don't you get him some tickets.
-Your friend works at a ticket agency.
-Yeah.
Pete.
-He can get you tickets to something.
-Really? Like a rock concert.
Whatever you like.
-Oh, great.
Thanks, Kramer.
-Yeah.
You got it.
Hey, Jerry, do me a favor.
Next time you see that lineswoman ask her how those ball boys get those jobs.
I would love to be able to do that.
I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity.
It's ball boys, not ball men.
There are no ball men.
I think he's right.
I've never seen a ball man.
-Well, there ought to be ball men.
-All right, I'll talk to her.
You wanna be a ball man, go ahead.
Break the ball barrier.
Hey! A friend of mine from work said she saw George at the tennis match -on TV yesterday.
-Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
He was at the snack bar eating a hot fudge sundae.
He had it all over his face.
He's wearing that chocolate on his face like a beard.
And they got in there really nice and tight, and he's: -I'm sorry, George.
-But I don't understand.
Things were going so great.
What happened? Something must've happened.
It's not you.
It's me.
You're giving me the "it's not you, it's me" routine? I invented "it's not you, it's me.
" Nobody tells me it's them, not me.
-lf it's anybody, it's me.
-All right.
-George, it's you.
-You are damn right it's me.
-I was just trying to-- -I know what you were trying to do.
-Nobody does it better than me.
-I'm sure you do it very well.
Yes, well, unfortunately, you'll never get the chance to find out.
-But I thought things were going great.
-Yeah, so did I.
-Did she say why? -No.
She tried to give me the "it's not you, it's me" routine.
-But that's your routine.
-Yeah.
Well, apparently word's out.
Hey.
Hey, Georgie, I saw you on TV yesterday.
Really? At the tennis match? Yeah.
You were at the snack bar eating the hot fudge sundae.
Get out of here.
I didn't see any cameras there.
Oh, the camera wasthere.
And the announcers, they made a couple of cracks about you.
Cracks? What were they saying? That you had ice cream all over your face.
They were talking about how funny you looked.
Oh, my God.
Maybe Gwen saw it.
Maybe that's what did it.
Well, I'll tell you, it wasn't a pretty sight.
She must've seen me eating it on TV.
She sees you with hot fudge on your face and ends it? -You think she'd be that superficial? -Why not? I would be.
Hello? Oh, hi, Dad.
You saw him? Really, with the ice cream? All right, I'll talk to you later.
Bye.
-Your parents saw me on TV? -Yeah.
This is a nightmare.
Kramer, how long was I on? It felt like eight seconds.
One-1 000.
Two-1 000.
Three-1 000-- I heard you really inhaled that thing.
Did anyone tape it? Can we move on? -What? -He thinks Gwen broke up with him because she saw him eating the ice cream on TV.
Come on.
If she's that superficial, you don't want her.
Yes, I do.
I guess you're not going to Todd's party on Friday.
Well, I can't now.
Gwen's gonna be there.
She should be the one that shouldn't go.
If a couple breaks up with plans to go to a neutral place, who withdraws? -What's the etiquette? -Excellent question.
I mean, I think she should withdraw.
She's the breaker.
He's the breakee.
He needs to get on with his life.
-I beg to differ.
-Really? He's the loser.
She's the victor.
To the victor belong the spoils.
Well, I don't care.
I don't want to go anyway.
I don't wanna fight that traffic on Friday.
We can take my office's car service.
-Really? -Yeah.
They don't know.
-All right.
I'll see you later.
-Okay.
-Hey, Georgie, you coming? -Yeah.
"To the victor go the spoils.
" What are you doing tonight? I got a date with Laura, the lineswoman.
Why? -What are you doing? -I was just gonna wander the streets.
I don't want to tag along with you or anything.
You wanted to come with us? Jerry, please.
It's very nice, but.
Where would we be going? So I've got ice cream all over my face.
There were no napkins there.
Whoever is responsible for stocking that concession stand cost me a relationship.
-They never have napkins there.
-Let's get the check.
Is this considered signing? Do you do this when you ask for the check? Really? I know a sign.
That's my first sign.
That couple is breaking up.
They're breaking up? -How do you know? -She reads lips.
What are they saying now? "It's not you.
It's me.
" Oh, my God.
I just had a great idea.
She could come to the party tomorrow and read Gwen's lips for me.
What? We bring her to the party and she tells me what Gwen is saying about me.
She's not a novelty act, George that you hire out for weddings and bar mitzvahs.
Look, it's a skill, just like juggling.
She probably enjoys showing it off.
I don't know, George.
I'm not sure about this.
Would you ask her? Just ask her.
-lf she says no, case closed.
-All right.
-Laura, George was wondering if-- -Sure.
I'll do it.
-So I really had a good time.
-Yeah, me too.
-Wanna go to the party on Friday? -Yeah.
All right, we're taking a car service.
So we'll swing by and pick you up.
How about 6? Six is good.
You got a problem with 6? What? What? Okay, listen up, people.
There are plenty of you here, but we've only got two spots to fill.
So good luck.
Hey, pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years? Well, I may be old, but I'm spry.
The tryout lasts three and a half to four hours.
-Are you up for it? -Oh, I'll be up for it, punk.
See, I was saying "six," but she thought I was saying "sex.
" We straightened the whole thing out.
-She confused "six" with "sex"? -Yeah.
If she can't tell "six" from "sex," how's she gonna lip read across a room? -"Six" and "sex" are close.
-It's two completely different sounds: And: It seems like a problem.
Well, I'm not dating any other deaf women.
Hey, guess who's gonna be the new ball man for the finals? -You're kidding.
-Yeah.
They said they never saw anybody go after balls with such gusto.
-When is that car service coming? -Five minutes.
It's gonna pick us up, then Elaine.
Laura's gonna meet us there.
If this lip-reading thing works tonight, you know how incredible it'll be? -It's like having Superman for a friend.
-I know.
It's like x-ray vision.
If we could just harness this power and use it for our own personal gain -there'd be no stopping us.
-Hey, hey, hey.
I hear you got some lip reader working for you.
Let me use her once.
-Can't do it, Newman.
-But, Jerry we got this new supervisor at the post office.
He's working behind glass.
They're talking about me.
They're gonna transfer me.
I know it! Two hours.
Give me two hours.
It's not gonna happen! All right.
All right.
All right, you go ahead.
You go ahead.
You keep it secret.
But you remember this: When you control the mail, you control information.
Just pull over right by that stop sign.
-Pardon me, sir? -I said, pull over by the stop sign.
Oh, sorry.
You'll have to forgive me.
I can't hear a damn thing.
Went to a rock concert last night at the Garden.
My seats were right up against the speaker.
It's a heavy metal group, Metalli-something.
Ca.
-What? -Ca.
My ears are still ringing.
Some woman's idea of a joke.
-Hey.
-Hi.
-Get out.
Get out! -We'll never get there.
-Go on! -Okay.
Hey! Shut the door.
The whole idea of the car service was so I wouldn't have to fight traffic.
I know, I'm late.
Hey, now I know two signs.
"Check" and "late.
" Hey, this is my friend you helped become the first ball man.
Congratulations.
She doesn't know what she's talking about.
Guys, you made it.
-Hey.
-Hey, buddy.
-Hey, Todd.
-Sorry to hear about Gwen.
Why, did she say something about why she broke up with me? No.
Tonight will be the first chance I've had to talk to her.
Really? Look, George, I'm friends with both of you but I can't betray her confidence by telling you anything.
I wouldn't hear of it, Todd.
It's none of my business.
But you should try and find out everything you possibly can.
In fact, I'll even stay all the way over on the other side of the room just so there's no chance of me overhearing anything.
-You are so centered.
-Hey.
I've grown up.
Oh, my God.
There she is.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
-Let's go, let's go.
Get in position.
-What? All right, all right.
What are they saying? -"Hi, Gwen.
" "Hi, Tide.
" -High tide? "Hi, Todd.
" "You got something between your teeth.
" -Where? -No, that's what he said.
"That's interesting.
I love carrots, but I hate carrot soup.
And I hate peas, but I love pea soup.
" -So do I.
-This is so wild.
Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow? No.
Then I'd have to lend her to everybody.
I don't envy you, Todd.
This place is gonna be a mess.
Maybe you can stick around, and we can sweep together.
"Why don't you stick around, and we can sleep together.
" -What? -"You want me to sleep with you?" -I don't wanna sweep alone.
-He says, "I don't wanna sleep alone.
" And she says-- Oh, boy.
"Love to.
" All right, that's it.
You get rid of me, now the two of you are gonna sleep together? -What? You're crazy.
-"What? You're crazy.
" -I heard your whole conversation.
-How? -"How?" -I can read lips.
-You said, "Let's sleep together.
" -No, I didn't.
I said "sweep.
" Let's sweep together, like with a broom.
-Cleaning up.
-"Cleaning up.
" Sweep? -Yes.
Sweep.
-"Yes.
Sweep.
" -Cut it.
-George says, "Cut it.
" -Cut it.
-George says-- Cut it.
Would you stop signing?! -What? -They said "sweep together," idiots.
Not "sleep together.
" Look, I know how to sign.
My eye! My eye! This is really amazing, getting to see Monica Seles play in the finals.
I know.
And in the first tournament of her comeback.
Thus ends the great ball man experiment.
-You with the tennis center? -Yeah.
Hey, how about that ball man injuring Monica Seles? -Wasn't that something? -I'm deaf.
I've always been a big fan of the little check move, you know? "Can I get the check? The check.
" Unless the waiter's not too sharp.
Then you gotta total it up.
"I want the check.
" They come over, "Do you want the check?" "No, I want to be pen pals.
Can't you see what I'm doing here? I'm trying to be cool and impress people.
"