The Golden Girls (1985) s05e06 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Oh Blanche, what are you doing lining shelves on a Friday night? I'm workin' off all my excess sexual energy.
Why don't we just hook you up to the toaster and make Pop-Tarts? Don't make fun, Dorothy.
This is the fifth Friday night in a row I haven't had a date.
Honey, you're just in a little slump.
Is that what this is? I never been in one before.
Well, it feels like hell.
Dorothy, how do you go through this for years at a stretch? I have compassionate friends around me.
Well, I guess eventually this was bound to happen.
I can just feel my femininity slippi" through my fingers.
And in the past there's always been a man there to catch it.
Oh Blanche, you're being ridiculous.
You are as attractive and desirable as you always were.
But a lot of men can be frightened by that.
They don't know if they can handle that much woman.
So every once in a while this'll happen.
No, Blanche, it takes a strong, confident, sophisticated man to appreciate you.
But, honey, they're out there wanting you as much as you want them.
I knew it had to be something like that.
Thank you, Dorothy.
There really is one born every minute.
Ha ha.
Thanks for seeing us home, Miles.
It's my pleasure, Rose.
Well, hello, there.
Oh, I didn't know you had company.
Dorothy, Blanche, I'd like you to meet Miles Webber.
How do you do, Miles? Nice to meet you.
Thank you.
A real delight.
Miles is my dancing partner at the ballroom.
Oh, yes, and tonight we were the king and queen of the rumba.
Olé.
Ma, did you have a good time? Great.
I even made a few bucks.
How did you do that, Sophia? The place was packed with old geezers ripe for the picking.
I charged them Ma, you didn't! Please.
I worked hard for that money.
Half the time they'd fall asleep in the middle of a song.
How would you like to hold Mr.
Morelli up for two choruses of "Jeepers Creepers"? Ma, you did all that for 10 cents? I know.
It's worth a buck.
But all these guys lived through the Depression.
For a buck they expect a good time, a shoe shine and a full tank of gas.
(jingles) Listen, Rose, I'm having a little get-together over at my place tomorrow night.
Someone I work with is retiring, and I was hoping you'd come.
Oh, I'd love it.
Around 8:00, then? Mm.
Oh, good.
Well, good night, ladies.
Nice meeting you.
Come back and see us some time.
Good night, Rose.
Good night.
(sighs) As they say in St.
Olaf, helderbargenberg gefloefen wurterberg.
You wanna help us out here, Rose? Well, there's really no English word for gefloefen.
Loosely translated, it means, "I hope you have a license to carry that gefloefen.
" And, uh, this is a quality that you look for in a man? Yes.
Oh, maybe I'm crazy to be so attracted by someone I hardly know, but I can't help it.
I've been dying for him to ask me out, but we never really talk, we just dance.
Well, what do you know about him? Nothing.
Except he's a wonderful dancer.
Oh, well, what's that? All that proves is he has rhythm.
I see what you mean.
You know, you can learn a lot about a man just by the way he holds you in his arms.
Whether he's kind, sensitive, caring He dipped you, didn't he? All evening.
Oh, Lord.
So long since I've been dipped.
I can't even remember which end of a gefloefen is up.
(doorbell) Rose.
Well, come on in.
You're missing all the fun.
I'll bet you probably thought that a party full of college professors would be stuffy, but not this one.
You're a college professor? Well, what did you think I meant when I said I taught Hemingway? I thought you were old.
Come on.
I want you to meet some people, Rose.
Gale, Lillian, this is my friend Rose.
How do you do? Hello.
Miles, we were just hypothesizing.
If you were to invite any two people, living or dead, to dinner, who would they be? Well, Lillian picked Winston Churchill and Browning without his wife.
(laughing) (laughing) Rose, whom would you pick? Just two? Well, that's tough.
I Well, I'd feel guilty if I didn't invite my two best friends, Dorothy and Blanche, but would it be OK if Jesus stopped by for dessert? (laughs) Didn't I tell you she was something special? Rose, why don't I get you something to drink? What would you like? Ginger ale if you have it.
All right.
Oh, but first I want to introduce you to two of my closest friends.
Harv, Elise, this is my friend Rose.
Take good care of her.
Hello.
We were just having a little disagreement.
Now, Harv, Moby Dick is about self-fulfilling prophesy.
Oh, come on, Elise.
The whale represents coming to terms with the self-hatred that's in all of us.
What do you think? Uh I-I was just having a conversation with two people over there speculating on if you could have any two people in the world, living or dead, to your house for dinner, what would you eat? Blanche, I didn't know you went out.
Are you coming back from a date? You know, Dorothy, sometimes you can be so cruel.
Honey, If you didn't have a date, how come you're so dressed up? Well, I sat down and tried to think of a surefire place to meet men.
It was so obvious I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of it before.
The hardware store.
I mean, hardware stores are alive with sexual energy.
Tools, plugs, sockets, nude furniture, dirty stuff like that.
Why are you home so early? Well, I saw a very attractive man in power tools.
I piqued his interest with the usual hardware questions.
"Where does this go?" "What does this do?" And he followed me to plumbing, where I bought a see-through shower curtain.
And, uh, where is he now? Tied to the roof rack of your car? No, there was something about him that turned me off.
I think it was the way he cleaned his ears with his keys.
Hi.
You're home early.
Did you enjoy yourself? Not really.
Miles' friends are all college professors.
I don't get it.
When we're on the dance floor, it feels like we're made for each other.
But tonight, with all his brilliant friends at the party, I felt like a fish out of water.
Oh, sure I didn't flop around on the floor with my eyes bulging out gasping for air.
I haven't done that at a party in years.
Honey, you know, anybody would feel out of her league in a room full of college professors.
You should have a home field advantage.
Why don't you invite him over here? Dorothy's right.
We can create the illusion that you're interestin'.
That's a hell of an illusion.
Maybe we should just saw her in half.
Excuse me.
I'll get the coffee.
Dinner was delicious, Rose.
What was it? It's a Scandinavian specialty - kuldomar.
I've never heard of that before, but it's marvelous.
Oh, you just throw together some ground pork and cabbage.
Cabbage, she serves me.
In ten minutes I could be sky-writing.
You girls were right about getting Miles on my turf.
Oh, Blanche, and I'm really grateful for you steering the table talk to things I know about.
Well, you ought to be.
It wasn't that easy working natural fertilizer into the dinner conversation.
What are you planning next? I don't know.
Do you think it's too soon to put on the bloopers tape? Just a tad.
So the existentialist says to the psychiatrist, "Just because you don't see a parrot on my head" (laughs) Eh? You see? (Dorothy and Miles laugh) Ooh, listen.
Rose, I was wondering.
If you're not busy Saturday afternoon, the university is playing Shostakovich.
Oh, I'd love to go.
And I'll bet we beat 'em.
Rose, honey, it's not a team.
It's a composer.
Oh.
I better get the dessert.
She sure left in a hurry.
Hey, who told her to feed me cabbage? I thought I'd give you a hand with the dessert.
What's wrong, Rose? "It's not a team, Rose.
It's a composer.
" Couldn't you pretend it was a team and make him look stupid? Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm not going back out there.
He'll never miss me.
Of course he'll miss you.
Rose, you're the one he came to see.
But he can talk to you.
Why should he care about what I'd have to say? I'm just not smart enough to keep up.
Oh, now, Rose, that is not true.
It is and you know it.
I've never felt like this before.
I was one of the smartest people in St.
Olaf.
I was a fool to think we could have a relationship.
Please apologize to him for me.
I'd do it, but it would just sound stupid.
Fine.
I will tell her.
Bye-bye.
Hi.
Hi, Rose.
Rose, Miles called again.
He wants you to meet him outside the concert hall.
I asked you to tell him I'm not going.
I'm not gonna do your dirty work for you, Rose.
Well, I don't wanna talk to him.
He makes me feel foolish.
I don't even feel comfortable telling him St.
Olaf stories.
I wanna know exactly what he's said to make you feel that way.
Look, I'm not going out with him.
You go, Blanche.
What? Well, you like him.
I know you do.
So you go.
Why, I couldn't.
Of course she couldn't.
You stay outta this, Dorothy.
Well, why not? It's all over between us.
He'll know that tonight.
It's impossible.
I'd - I'd feel like a I'd feel like a A backstabbing slut? No.
Then please go, for me.
I'll feel better knowing this thing is finally over with.
Well, since you put it that way But only as a personal favor to you, honey.
Well, I guess I'd better go get dressed.
Thank you, Blanche.
Can you believe that backstabbing slut? Oh, Ma, you going to the ballroom again? No.
I was thinking of wearing this when I die.
What do you think? Come on, Rose, why aren't you ready? I'm not going.
How come? Miles might be there, and I don't know.
Oh, now, Rose, don't say you're going to feel stupid.
You are not stupid.
You just march to a different drummer.
Yeah, the little windup monkey banging on the snare drum.
Ma I was agreeing.
Blanche, how was the concert? It is amazing how music that loud can be so boring.
And Miles? Oh, even more boring than the music.
All he did all night was talk about you.
How sweet Rose is.
How attractive Rose is.
How much fun Rose is.
I might as well have worn a bra.
Did he really say that? You're not just making that up? I never make up stories where I come out lookin' bad.
He also said he's going to the ballroom tonight, and he hopes you'll be there.
Oh, I couldn't.
Oh, I mean, I want to, but I can't.
Why not? What if Miles and I are dancing and I say something idiotic? Just breathe it in his ear.
Nothing sounds idiotic if it's wet enough.
Will you come with me for moral support? Oh, not tonight, Rose.
No, no.
I wanna get to bed early, curl up with a good book.
That's all you ever do.
No, it isn't.
Yes, it is, Dorothy.
That's all you've done lately, and it's pathetic.
What's even more pathetic is that I've been home to watch.
Dorothy, I really need you there.
I need your shoulder in case he takes his away.
Oh, all right, I'll go.
Ma, where are my dancing shoes? In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's.
How the hell would I know? Blanche, you coming with us? Oh, you're kidding.
Of course.
Oh, you'll love it.
Oh! Nothing personal, honey, but those places are meant for desperate, hopeless people who can't find someone any other way.
Well, if you're sure.
I'd rather be tied to a tree covered in honey and have a family of grizzlies lick it off.
Why do I torture myself like this? Girls, wait for me! ( ballroom music) Ma, this-this place is fantastic.
I feel like I did when I was 20.
You mean unmarried and pregnant? Blanche, look around.
Isn't this wonderful? Aren't you suddenly the life of the party? This place gives me the creeps.
(Rose) But look, Blanche.
See how much fun everybody's having? Yeah, right now, but wait till they hear Glenn Miller's dead.
He's not dead.
He's missing! Stop complaining, Blanche.
Look at all the available men here.
You shouldn't have any problem.
Are you kiddin'? This is gonna be just like fishin' in one of those trout farms.
May I have this dance, Sophia? I got the time if you got the dime.
(money jingles) I'm all yours.
I don't see Miles here anywhere.
Maybe he didn't come tonight.
He almost didn't.
Hi, Dorothy.
Hello, Miles.
You left my party as soon as you arrived.
You invite me to dinner, you disappear into the house.
You send Blanche to the concert.
I was beginning to take it personally.
Shall we? Go on, Rose.
Excuse me, Dorothy.
I am going to keep one arm around your waist to make sure you don't disappear again.
Dorothy, this is Alfred.
He's an ear, nose and throat specialist.
He says he's been lookin' for love in all the wrong places.
I was happy to see you here tonight, Rose.
I was starting to wonder how you felt about me.
Rose, is there something wrong? You've hardly said a word.
Ah.
I'm glad to hear it.
Would you care to dance? Oh, I I don't think so.
Oh.
I'm usually not this forward, but Glenn Miller has such an effect on me.
You don't like Glenn Miller, do you? Are you kidding? I was in the search party.
Let's dance.
Oh, listen to that music.
Who says you can't go home again? Canute Trollsted.
You see, he took Ilse Frickerdeller up to Smooch Point to play hide the fingerborg.
That's a thimble.
Well, Ilse sat on his compass, and they got so lost they walked to Finland, and that's when Canute said, "You can't go home again.
" Well, that's very, uh Stupid! Rose.
Rose.
Is something wrong? I don't know what you see in me, Miles.
I see you.
But why me? I thought you'd like Blanche.
I like Blanche very much.
So does Blanche.
Ha ha ha.
That's better.
I feel so dumb around you.
Oh, never say that, Rose.
But you're a teacher.
You you think for a living.
Well, don't be so impressed.
I have summers off.
How you can stand listening to me and all my ridiculous stories Your stories are very refreshing, Rose.
It's like driving in the country and getting lost.
You may not know where you are, but you always have a good time finding your way out.
That was a compliment, wasn't it? Come on.
I like you very much, Rose.
You know, you're you're very special.
I'm just lucky to be smart enough to see it.
You know, life's a ballroom, Rose, if you'll pardon the metaphor.
If you hear something you like, don't analyze it, just just dance to it.
You understand? I think so.
Except what a metaphor is.
Who needs metaphors? Come on.
Let's dance.