Cheers s05e07 Episode Script

SAM: Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Why don't you wait? I'll get our coats.
Mm.
Okay? Hope to see you again soon.
Thank you, Miss.
Oh, great.
I can't even read that check.
Well, I'm so sorry if my handwriting isn't up to your high and mighty standards, but some of us don't get to sit around on our buns all day and practice our penmanship.
Some of us have to go out and earn a living! Here are your glasses, dear.
You left them in your coat again.
Oh, thanks.
What's wrong? Nothing.
Let's go.
Oh, hey, um I'm really sorry.
I-I I don't know what to say, except I had a really bad day.
Oh yeah, sure, Carla, bad day.
Bad life is more like it.
House full of kids, this crummy job.
If I keep treatin' my customers this way, I'm going to lose even that.
Uh, uh, here you go.
I hope things'll start looking up.
Oh, no, no, no, no, I couldn't, I couldn't.
Not the way I treated you.
No, please, please, please, we insist.
(sighs) Ten bucks? Excuse me, Miss.
You forgot to, uh, give me a napkin.
I'm so sorry! I don't know what to say, except I've had a really bad day.
Bad day? Bad life is more like it.
A house full of kids (piano plays) ♪ Making your way in the world today ♪ Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Yep! Hey, everybody, guess what? Today marks the beginning of my seventh year as a U.
S.
postal carrier.
Well, all right.
Woody, I think that calls for a little drink on the house.
What do you think, huh? I think you're right, Mr.
Peterson.
Yeah? Hey, what the hell, give Cliffie one, too.
Hey This guy, huh? Oh, yeah, imagine that.
Seven years carrying the old bag around.
(snorts) Yeah, I know the feeling.
That's, uh that's quite an achievement, though, Cliffie.
Oh, yeah? Look who's talkin'.
Oh, okay, all right.
I know some people around here don't exactly think that I'm an overachiever, but, uh I'll tell you, I don't plan to go to my grave until I've made some sort of impression on this world.
I'd say you've already made a deep one.
You know, I plan on leavin' somethin' behind for the world to remember me by.
Yeah? And here it is.
(sighs) It's a glass of Windex, Woody.
No, it's a drink.
And Woody Boyd is going to become the next Jim Sheehan.
Who? Certainly you've heard of the inventor of the Fish House Punch? I can't say we have, Wood, but then again, we don't get out that much, you know? Well, I'm callin' mine the Blue Boyd of Happiness.
Can I tempt you? Not bad.
Really.
Oh, hey, that's delicious.
Now all I got to do is fill out these forms and register with Bartender's Monthly Magazine, and my name will be a household word.
Yeah: doorknob.
Hey, Sam, you want to try my new drink? Woody, I can't touch that stuff.
I'm an alcoholic.
You are? Oh, I I'm sorry.
I-I thought you knew.
Yeah, I drank myself out of baseball and out of a marriage.
Gee, that's hard to believe.
Well, it's true.
Right, gang? Yeah Guy had a face full of booze No, no, no, I believe you were a drunk, Sam.
I just didn't know you'd been married.
Mmm, pretty good Blue Moon.
You mean it's already a drink? Aw, don't feel disappointed there, Woody.
Every combination in the world's been done to death by now.
You couldn't possibly invent anything new.
(phone rings) DIANE: Hello, Cheers.
Hey, Woody, gin and tonic.
Oh, uh, somebody's already invented that.
No, you horseshoe, I'm ordering one.
Oh, no! Really? Tonight? Oh! Oh, I can't wait! Yes, thank you.
Oh! I have the most exciting news, everyone.
Tonight I am eating dinner at The Cafe.
Ah, gee, that's pretty exciting.
Tonight I'm driving home in The Car.
No, you see, um actually, Sam, The Cafe is one of the trendiest restaurants.
Eating there is considered, uh, to be rather a coup among certain, oh self-important and pretentious circles.
Congratulations, Diane.
If this place is so hot, how come they can't think of a better name than The Cafe? Oh, Carla, if you had any sense of style, you would know that a simple name connotes the very best of taste.
Hey, you're right about that, Diane.
There's this joint out on Route One called "Eat".
Don't miss it.
It's great.
Say, you know, Darlene and I can't make up our mind whether to have some chili or a hamburger.
Maybe this Cafe joint sounds just like the ticket.
Well, you got the number there? (laughing) What? What's the number? What? Pardonne mon laughteur, Sam.
This is not the sort of place you just call and make a reservation.
My dinner companion is a Brundage, and even with that pull, he had to wait three months for a table.
Ooh, geez, I wonder how long he had to wait for the chairs.
Look what I'm dealing with.
You consider food as a fuel to be salted down heavily, covered with ketchup, stuffed in your mouth, and on a good day, chewed.
What I'm trying to say is, Sam, you couldn't possibly get a reservation at this late hour.
Diane, I can get a reservation in any restaurant I want.
The name "Sam Malone" still carries a little clout in this town.
Right.
Hey, hey, hey.
Very well, Sam.
Let's give it a try.
Allow me to call The Cafe.
Well, now, li-lis I'm not even sure I want to go there.
Afraid, Sam? They have not built the restaurant that can scare me.
Come on.
Um, yes, hold on, please.
Um, hello, uh, I'd like to make a reservation, please.
Nothing tonight? Well, this happens to be Sam "Mayday" Malone, formerly of the Red Sox.
Well, yeah, that'll be fine.
Thank you very much.
Hey, all right, Sammy.
You got it, huh? Sure did.
When, next March? No, next February.
Well done, Sam.
God, I hate it when she's right.
Ah, you didn't want to eat there anyway, Sam.
The waiters pride themselves on rudeness, the portions are too small, and it's exorbitantly overpriced.
Oh, you couldn't get in either, huh? Not till April.
Well, I certainly hope Diane had a big lunch.
Hi, I'd like to, uh, cancel a reservation for tonight, please.
The name is Brundage.
Party of two.
Yes, that Brundage.
Thank you.
Uh-uh, uh-uh, Sammy.
Canceling Diane's reservation? CLIFF: Ooh, heart of stone.
I love it.
Yeah, hi, this is, uh, Sam Malone again.
I'm just wondering if you might've had a surprise cancellation for tonight.
What do you mean, you don't? You must have.
I just No, no, n-never mind, never mind.
Boy, I'd sure love to waltz into that joint tonight just so I could see the look on her face.
Well, if it's that important to you, Sam, give me the phone.
If Julian Weinstein, my good friend, can't get you in, nobody can.
Ooh, the heart transplant wizard? Oh, one and the same, yeah.
We went to prep school together.
He's a well-known gourmet.
Yeah, well, wh-why would he want to do this for me, though? He'd love to do me a favor.
See, we dissected our first frog together.
Hello, Julian.
Julian, hi.
Frasier Crane.
How are you? Crane.
C-R-A-N-E.
Yes, yes, Dr.
Frasier Crane.
All right, fine.
Uh, listen, I was wondering what you know about, uh No, it's A-N-E! Oh, skip it! I'll tell you, you know, you open a few thoraxes, you forget who your friends are.
Oh, it's beautiful.
A feast for the eyes as well as the palate.
Ah, that must be our table.
Uh, the Brundage party.
Brundage? Ah, Brundage.
You canceled.
(laughs) That's impossible.
I-I made the reservations over three months ago.
Well, obviously, there's been some mistake.
The best we can do is give you the next available table.
And when might that be? If all goes well, perhaps tonight.
Perhaps? Jordan, don't make a fuss, please.
We'll straighten this out.
He's sorry.
(laughs) Dr.
Weinstein, your table is ready.
Excuse me, Miss.
I don't believe it.
Oh, neither do I.
I was this close to Dr.
Julian Weinstein.
That's not Julian Weinstein.
That's the man who stole our reservation.
That's not Julian Weinstein.
That's an imposter.
Ask him for his I.
D.
Ask him to spell I.
D.
Do you know how to order in a place like this? Oh, yeah, yeah, my, uh, friend Frasier read a review about the menu.
He coached me.
No problem.
Dr.
Weinstein.
Uh-uh, uh-uh.
You swine.
It's one thing to pretend to be somebody else on the phone, but convincing others that you're a sophisticated gourmet is a little bit more than you can handle.
You're going to blow it, Sam.
You're going to be embarrassed in front of some of the most important people in Boston.
And then you're going to slink out of here with your curly little swine tail between your legs.
You don't think I can handle this? Well, just watch.
Excuse me, we'd like to start off with Bouchées Parmentier au Fromage, followed by a salade maison, and for our entrée, we'll have Tourte Froide D'Anguille Rabelais.
Thank you so much.
Good, Sam; that was your busboy.
I knew that.
He's got lips.
He can tell the waiter, can't he? Bon appetit, Dr.
Weinstein.
Who's Miss Grumpus? Excuse me, uh, you aren't, uh, Dr.
Julian Weinstein, are you? Uh yes.
(chuckles softly) This is really an honor.
I'm, I'm Dr.
Peter Fisher.
Oh.
Uh, nice to meet you.
Yeah.
You know, I had no idea you were so young.
Well, I, uh, skipped a few grades in med school.
(laughing) You got to have a sense of humor in this line of work.
Say, if you'll indulge in a little shop talk, uh, where did you come up with that concept of combining antithymocyte globulin with, uh, cyclosporin A to combat tissue rejection? On the beach.
(uncomfortable chuckle) Nice meeting you.
Excuse me, Dr.
Weinstein.
Oh, uh, yeah, here we go.
Our chef Claude would like to say hello.
He met you while he was a chef at La Ronde.
Do you mind? Oh, uh well, actu-actually It won't take but a moment.
Maybe, uh Grab your purse.
We've got to get Dr.
Weinstein, so good You're not Dr.
Weinstein.
Yes, I am.
Perhaps you hadn't heard about my accident.
Why, no, I didn't.
Oh, yes, yes, uh terribly disfigured.
Uh, thank God for plastic surgery.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
But they've done a wonderful job.
Hmm You look much better.
And taller.
Traction.
It, uh Well, nice to see you again.
You, too.
Boy, you pulled it off.
Mm.
That's pretty smart.
Yeah, well, of course I'm smart.
I'm a doctor.
(laughing): Oh! Right.
All right, whiskey, vermouth, bitters-- that's a Paddy Cocktail.
Gin, vermouth, grapefruit juice-- that's a Palm Beach.
Oh, wait a minute.
How about gin, vermouth and black coffee? That's paint remover.
All right, I'll try something else.
Oh, great, I'm out of limes.
Don't panic.
Sam always keeps some extras around.
Where? Call the doctor and find out.
Telephone for Dr.
Weinstein.
Oh, um It's a Dr.
Woody.
He's in the middle of surgery, and he says he needs your opinion.
Thank you.
Hello? Wha-what? You're out of them? No, look, just, just check in the box right next to the scotch uh, tape.
The scotch tape.
We, uh Sometimes we run out of stitches and have to improvise.
Thank you, Dr.
Woody.
Dr.
Weinstein? My date needs medical attention.
Can you help? My food just arrived.
Well, I'm a doctor.
Sit down.
I-I want the world-famous heart surgeon, Dr.
Julian Weinstein.
Well, of course; I bow to his greater skill.
No, no, no, uh, why don't you go ahead there, Fisher, and give him a shot? He's having chest pains, Doctor! Oh, well, uh, why don't you time them and see how far apart they are? All right, I'll, uh, give him a look-see, I guess.
Right this way, Doctor.
Everything'll be all right.
Don't worry.
What are you doing? You're ruining my dinner.
Ruining your dinner? Ruining your dinner?! Everybody, now Sam, this is the cruelest thing you've ever done! Yeah, what about the crummy thing you did to me earlier today, making me feel like a big nobody? I apologize.
I spoke irrationally.
You're not a nobody.
(sighs) Now, will you and your date kindly leave so that Jordan and I can have our rightful meal, and the two of you can sashay over to the Colonel's across the street? Will you excuse me? My meal is getting cold.
Now Well, we may have a long wait ahead of us, but we are going to stay until we get seated.
No, you're going to stay until you get seated.
Right about now a bucket of extra crispy doesn't sound half bad.
Okay, Dr.
Crane, just drink up.
Woody, please, you promised you'd stop after the rum and trail mix.
That wasn't a drink.
That was just something to cleanse your palate.
Now come on, here.
My God, Woody! That bad, huh? No, no, it's terrific.
Here, try this.
I've never had anything like it.
All right! Oh! Oh, yeah! This one gets you in the cocktail hall of fame! So, what's in it, Wood? Yeah, what's the secret recipe? Well, it's, uh, two parts (crying) Your change, Dr.
Weinstein.
Ah, thank you very much.
Whew, boy, remember the good old days when you could spend $200 for a meal and then still have enough change to buy a mint patty? Ah, Paul, memorable.
Aw, gee (cries out) Madam, we've had our last seating.
I'm afraid we won't be able to accommodate you this evening.
Oh, Paul, uh could I speak to you for a minute? I'll meet you outside.
Listen, it, it would be a great personal favor to me, Dr.
Julian Weinstein-- in fact, to the entire Weinstein family, and pretty much to doctors all over the world-- if if you could, uh, make sure she gets some food.
Well, uh, if you'll agree to honor us with your presence again, Dr.
Weinstein, I'll see to it personally.
SAM: Well, I appreciate that.
Enjoy, Diane.
Thank you.
I intend to.
Thank you.
This will do nicely.
Would you like to hear our menu? Thank you, no.
I've memorized it.
I'll have the Tournedos Rossini.
I'm sorry, we're all out of that.
Uh, then I'll have the Jambon Farci et Braise.
Once again, I'm sorry.
Let's attack this from another direction.
You tell me what you have left.
Fricadelles de veau a la Nicoise.
Great, I'm in a Fricadelle mood.
Hi.
What are you doing here? Well, I'm still hungry, actually.
What happened to, uh, Darlene? Oh, I put her in a cab and sent her home.
Well, you don't have to do me any favors.
No, I'm not doing you any favors.
I-I'm really hungry.
May I, uh, join you? I don't care what you do.
Well, thank you.
Thank you, Sam.
You're welcome.
Doctor.
Ah, Paul.
Can I get you anything else? Uh, what do you have? Anything for you, Dr.
Weinstein.
Ah, well You know, I just can't make up my mind.
Why don't you have my dear friend Claude mix me up something special? Very good.
(chuckling) I really do appreciate your coming back, Sam.
It was sweet.
No, no, it's not sweet.
I I did it for myself.
I was feeling guilty out there, and I don't like to feel guilty.
Well, that's sweet in itself.
Well, we'll see how sweet you think it is when I have you pay for your own meal.
Madam.
Doctor.
Everything was delightful and well worth the wait.
Ooh, yes, I enjoyed it very much.
I'll be right with you.
Say, uh, I seem to be running a little short on cash.
You know, Sam, I think it was a really good idea you had about us going Dutch.
See, this way, we don't feel that we owe each other anything.
This is not funny.
This could be very embarrassing for both of us.
Please.
Why? I've already paid for my meal, and I'm leaving.
Good night, Dr.
Weinstein.
See you in surgery.
Hey, I'm serious.
Hey, come on, don't do this! MAITRE D': Is there a problem, Doctor? No, no, no problem at all.
Um I'll just use my credit card here.
Mm, very well.
Uh, Dr.
Weinstein, this appears to be the credit card of a Mr.
Sam Malone.
Let me see that.
Well, I'll be darned.
You know, I must have, uh, switched wallets with this Malone character.
You know, I bet it happened at the club.
Yes, it did; I remember him now.
A baseball player.
Malone.
You, uh, you ever heard of him? No.
Oh, well, why don't you, uh, put it on this credit card anyway, and I'll take this Malone guy out to dinner some other time, hmm? I'm afraid not.
Well, all right, I don't suppose you take a personal check, do you? And whose name would be on that? Okay, well, uh, why don't we try this, then? Oh, my God, look at the size of that cat! Hey, you, come back here!