Home Improvement s05e07 Episode Script

Welcome to a special Tool Time on location.
I am Tim "the Tool Man" Taylor.
And you all know my assistant, Al "La Carte" Borland.
We're here on location to introduce to you another unsung hero of the job site.
That's right.
Heidi, my unsung heroes theme music, please.
Heidi.
Heidi! Guys, back to work, please.
Here you go, Tim.
# He gets no thanks and that ain't right # He's the unsung hero of the job site All right, today we're gonna meet the man who drives this great-looking lunch wagon.
Hi, there.
This is Nick Cantalupo.
The man, the melon.
Thanks, Tim.
Uh Your food service vehicle doesn't get much respect in the culinary community.
People call it the "roach coach," the "barf bus," the "upchuck wagon," the "vomit van.
" Well, Nick, you're really whetting my appetite.
Good.
Because today we're serving up some really savory selections.
Chili and onions, chili cheese dogs, three-cheese chili omelets.
I think I've died and gone to heaven.
I know what killed ya.
- Why don't you show us inside the truck? - Glad to, Al.
Boy, Nick! This place is immaculate.
Thank you, Tim.
I take great pride in my sanitary skills.
Over here we have your heated service trays.
Now, this looks to be some type of a cooling unit.
Yes, Al.
In our business, we refer to it as a refrigerator.
And over here, this is Rosie, the fastest short-order cook in the business.
- Hi, Rosie.
- Tell her whatever you want, and you'll be eating before you're done ordering.
Three stacks of pancakes, eggs over- medium, home fries smothered in chili.
Boy, that was good.
Very fast.
Pretty fast, huh? She is fast.
- Hey! - Wow! She's speedy with a spatula.
I don't want to brag, but I'm speedier.
- Is he for real? - It's a question I often ask myself.
I worked my way through college as a short-order cook.
You get pretty speedy after eight-and-a-half years.
Rosie, may I? A little more butter on there.
All right.
Don't worry about these eggshells, because basically, it's roughage.
To spice it up a little bit, I like a little of this just Ah, OK.
There you go.
Now, watch.
I learned this little trick my senior year.
Get some plates.
I'm all ready to go.
Ready to go.
I tell you what, Nick - you hold the plate.
Look at that.
Huh? Clean it up there.
As speedy as I remember.
What do you think, Nick? Maybe another year of college would've helped my accuracy a bit.
You know, you have your choice of toast, Nick.
Hey! How're you doing? Good to see you.
Hey, Milton.
How's everything? Good to see you.
- Hey, guys.
- Hello, Mr.
Harper, sir.
- Hey.
- Hey, boss.
- Great show today at that catering truck.
- Thanks very much.
Some of your funniest stuff, Tim.
Yeah.
What about me? You were in it, too? Yes.
But if it pleases you, I can be edited out.
Relax, Borland.
I'm just giving you a hard time.
Where's your sense of humor? In a little town called Nowhere.
If you'll excuse me, I'll go someplace where I get a bit more respect.
- Where's that, Al? - A little town called Anywhere But Here.
Uh, Tim, you're a big Pistons fan, right? Yeah.
One of the all-time great auto parts.
- No.
I'm talking about the basketball team.
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
How would you like a couple of season tickets? - You're gonna give me season tickets? - Yes, I am Right after you pay me for them.
This guy is selling me his court-side seats, so I'm giving my favorite Tool Man first crack at my old ones.
Oh, boy.
Season tickets.
That is just - Yeah, yeah.
Fifth row, center court.
- Ooh! I mean, these seats are so good you can high-five with the team mascot.
- What? - Yeah.
- Sir Slam-A-Lot! - That's right.
Oh, this is a dream, man.
This is really a dream - season tickets.
- I'd better call Jill.
- Oh, no.
No time for that.
No.
A VP at General Motors also wants them, and I'm meeting him for lunch at about two.
What time is it now? Let me sleep on it.
OK.
Hike.
He's out, he throws to the quarterback.
Turns around.
Yeah! - Touchdown! - Touchdown.
Hey, guys.
You won't believe what I bought today.
Whoa! Pistons tickets.
Not only Pistons tickets - season tickets.
And they're all mine, mine, mine, mine.
Wah-wah-wah-wah.
You know, Dad, I was just thinking that you and I really don't get to spend enough quality time together.
I bet you figure we could bond nicely at the BullsPistons game.
- I want to bond at the Orlando game.
- No, no.
I gave that ticket to Nick Cantalupo.
- Who's he? - A very angry man.
- Is Mom home? - Nope.
- She's with Mark getting him new glasses.
- I can't believe she let you buy these.
What do you mean, "let" me? - You didn't tell Mom? - No.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Hold it.
There's nothing to worry about.
Let me explain how this marriage works.
Your mom and I don't need to talk over every decision, you know.
- Why can't I get contact lenses? - I didn't say that you couldn't.
I said that we have to check with your father first.
That's how our marriage works.
We don't make decisions without checking with each other.
Hi.
Unless the decision had to be made in a minute, 'cause if both partners agree Autonomous decisions are not bad It's not unusual for a partner to make a decision without It does happen in a marriage that you can make those It does You can Boys, will you excuse us for a moment, please? - Good luck, Dad.
- Think bonding.
OK, Tim.
What did you buy and how little do we need it? It's no big deal.
Bud offered me some Pistons tickets, so I bought them.
- How much were they? - $50 apiece.
- Well, that's not so bad.
- No, it's not.
Here we go.
- How many games? - All of them.
What? All of them.
- How many games is that? - Well, more than none and less than 41.
That's, like, $ 2,000! - Per seat.
- Per seat? How many seats did you buy? One and the one next to it.
Two seats! That's that's $4,000! Unless they get in the play-offs.
'Cause play-off tickets are more than regular seats.
- More? - It is ridiculous.
I'll send them a letter.
And send it from a new address! Let's not worry about the play-offs.
They'll never make it! What am I talking about? They're a lousy team this year.
You spent $4,000 on a lousy team? - Let me explain about basketball.
- All right.
You cannot get season tickets like this with a good team.
You gotta ride out the bad years, hoping for a good one.
That's what you said 17 years ago when I married you.
I'm still waiting for a good one.
I can't believe that you made a decision like this without discussing it with me first.
Bud needed an answer right away.
And you buy a lot of stuff without asking me.
Like what? This couch.
How can you compare? I bought the couch because we need a place to sit! That's why I bought the tickets.
I want to go to the game.
I need a place to sit.
This money is for education.
For my graduate school, the kids' college fund I won't dip into the fund.
We'll get the money someplace else.
- Where? - Well, you know, I wouldn't I wouldn't mind giving up that vacation we had planned.
You didn't care about going to New York anyway.
We don't have to now, 'cause the New York Knicks are coming to town.
The Washington Bullets, the Celtics - the entire Eastern seaboard'll be right here! Don't look at me like that.
Then put the money back in the bank account.
Did I explain that, from where these seats are, you can touch the mascot, Sir Slam-A-Lot? - Hey, guys.
- Hey.
How're you doing, Harry? Oh, what a surprise.
Benny's still here.
Hey, Al.
Did you take your mother-in-law to get her bunions removed? Yeah.
But I'd rather have kept the bunions and had my mother-in-law removed.
Hey, Harry.
You hear Tim picked up season tickets to the Pistons? I hope it doesn't go to his head.
A guy gets season tickets, it affects his demeanor.
Nah.
Tim isn't like that.
Yeah.
Besides, people only change if you treat them different.
And we're not gonna do that.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! Hey! Good to see you, man! Hey! Get him a cup of coffee and a bear claw.
- He takes sugar in that coffee.
- My pleasure.
It would be an honor to serve my best friend.
Does me being your best friend have anything to do with having season tickets? The two things are not unrelated.
Well, look, he's taking me to the game first because I'm his hardware guy.
No.
If anyone deserves to go, it's me.
I'm his brother.
Excuse me.
I'm the one that risks his life every day working next to him.
- Uh, the man's got a point.
- All right, OK.
But I'm next after Al.
Maybe none of you are going, because maybe I'm not keeping the tickets.
Why would you give up season tickets? When I went home and told Jill I bought them, she got mad and - she gave me the look.
- Ooh.
Not the look.
What's the look? Oh, come on.
It's just the most potent weapon in a woman's arsenal.
Her face will transform right in front of you.
Her lips get really tight like this.
Yeah.
And then her whole face shrivels up.
It's like Yeah.
And then her eyes get real small and meet right in the middle of her head like a Cyclops in a housecoat.
Just when you think you can't take anymore, she lines you up and finishes you off.
Ohh! I'm never getting married.
And not just because women can't stand me.
I hate the look.
What do you know about the look? You're not even married.
I get the look when I'm snippy to Mother.
But in your mom's case, the look's actually an improvement.
Hey, Tim, you have to keep the tickets.
I don't think I can.
No, I don't know if this is gonna be worth it.
Every time I go to a Pistons game, I'll get the look.
And what about the look you get when you get home? That's two looks per game.
Times 40 games, that's 80 looks.
And that doesn't count the looks I get for just doing normal bad things.
Yeah.
But you gotta stand your ground.
You can't let your wife intimidate you.
- Harry! - Dolores! Uh, what are you doing here? You want to know what I'm doing here? I'll tell you what I'm doing here.
You all remember my lovely wife, Dolores.
- Hi.
Nice seeing you.
- How are you? How could you drop my mother off at the podiatrist and just leave her there? I gave her bus fare.
She just called.
She can't even get her shoes on.
Go back and pick her up.
- Why can't you? - I'm in the middle of a shift.
- Well, I'm working too.
- Yeah, right.
Looks like you're killing yourself.
Harry, I'm telling you to go get her.
I'm telling you no.
Look out, guys.
Here it comes.
Oh, my God! I've never seen anything like it.
Where's the podiatrist? I'll go get her myself.
Listen, I'll drive you there.
I'll show you the way! Thank goodness we shut our eyes at the right time, Marty.
Man, they're dropping like flies.
- Hey, Tim.
You gotta stand up to Jill.
- Oh.
No, no.
'Cause every time one of us gets beaten down by the look a little piece of every man dies.
And I think we all know what that piece is.
My contact lens has to be around here somewhere.
Way to go, Mark.
The contact has spent more time on the floor than it has in your eyes.
Anybody home? - Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, Dad.
- Well I don't care what you're playing, but I'm in.
It's called "Looking for Mark's Contact.
" How do you play? You look for Mark's contact.
OK.
Whose turn? OK, Dad.
It's yours.
OK, one, two three go! Wait, I found it! It was in my eye the whole time.
Well, if you're gonna cheat What's happening with the basketball tickets? - Have you caved in? - I'm not giving up the tickets.
'Cause if I do, a little piece of every man dies.
Which piece? You just never mind.
- Tim, we need to talk.
- Boys? We know, we know.
OK.
I was thinking about the tickets, and maybe I was a little unfair.
- Really? - I know how important they are to you.
So I think I've come up with a really good compromise.
How about you keep the tickets for five games, and you sell off the rest? - Five out of 40? That's a compromise? - That's $500.
I think that's fair.
You don't understand the concept.
These are season tickets, not whenever- - your-wife-wants-you-to-go tickets.
So you're not willing to budge at all? If I give up my tickets because of my wife, other wives will pick up on this.
Soon, wives everywhere are gonna be going, "You know, the Tool Man gave up his season tickets.
You should too.
" Attendance starts dropping at stadiums.
Next thing we know, it's the end of professional sports worldwide.
You are just completely unwilling to compromise! Yeah.
I don't even know the meaning of the word "compromise.
" You don't know the meaning to a lot of words.
And don't you forget it.
- Hey, Wilson.
- Well, hi-dee-ho, neighbor.
- What are you doing? - I'm barbecuing some jerk.
Anybody I know? Actually, jerk is a very spicy dish native to the island of Jamaica.
You know, I'm thinking of going down there and doing a little bamboo rafting.
Well, you got it made.
Unattached guy like you You don't need permission to go to 40 Pistons games.
Uh-oh.
I take it Jill was not too thrilled with your recent purchase.
That's putting it mildly.
First, she gave me the look.
The look! - You know about the look? - Tim, every man knows about the look.
Wives have been giving their husbands the look for untold centuries.
In fact, the look was the reason brides started wearing veils.
It was long believed that the penetrating stare of a bride could weaken her husband and render him impotent.
I thought that was caused by all the brown liquor at the reception.
Well, that could do it too, Tim.
I gotta be honest with you.
Jill's look did weaken me.
It did.
- But I didn't break.
- Ah.
Then she brought out the sneakiest, most underhanded trick in the book.
- What was that? - Compromise.
Ah! The old ploy where both sides decide to be reasonable.
Reasonable? Five games out of 40 is reasonable? I don't think - What was your counteroffer? - I don't think that applies.
- Because you didn't make one.
- No, I did not.
You know, I'm reminded of an old philosopher who once said: "You have to give a little, take a little " "Let your poor heart break a little.
" # That's the story of # That's the glory of love All right, Nick.
You got Atlanta on the second.
- Got it.
- I want Seattle on the 15th of November.
- All right, Al.
You got it.
- OK.
But I want the Bulls on January 21 st.
- January 21 st is our anniversary.
- Well, guess where we're going.
Over my dead body.
Well, at least for once it'll be nice and quiet in the car.
- Dolores, I'll take the Bulls.
- I'll go with you.
- If you got the Bulls, I'm taking Houston.
- I'll go with you.
- I want Phoenix.
- I'll go with you.
I don't even know you.
Who really knows anybody? - Well, hi, everyone.
- Hi, honey.
Um - Watch the board.
- Sure.
- What's going on? - Um I decided to compromise.
You did? You gotta give a little, take a little Uh Want me to sing it? Not really.
But I would like to hear some more about this compromise.
OK.
I wanted all 40.
You wanted five.
What do you say we settle on 15? Fifteen's still a lot of money.
- Let's settle on ten.
- How about eight? - Ten.
- How about none? Eight's good.
OK.
- Tim, could we see you for a second here? - Yeah? Harry's got an interesting point.
What if the Pistons get into the play-offs? How do we divvy up those tickets? The play-offs cost more money anyway, right? I already got my eight tickets.
- You fight over 'em.
- You're giving up play-off tickets? Yes, Marty.
Because I know "The Glory of Love.
" Want me to sing it? No, thank you.
If the Pistons make the play-offs, can I buy some games? What do you want with play-off games, honey? I'm gonna take my husband.
Hey.
Your husband's a very lucky man.
How come you never say anything nice like that to me? Your husband isn't as lucky.
- I want the Knicks on February 21 st.
- Oh, I hate the Knicks.
I'll go with you.
Oh, sorry, Dolores.
That's one of my eight.
I'm from New York, and I want the Knicks.
Well, I'm from Detroit, and I like the Knicks.
I'm not selling them.
Oh, really? She is good.
Really good.
I'm telling you no! Look out, guys.
Here it comes.