Roseanne s05e07 Episode Script

Well, gee, Becky, What kind of person takes a job Without finding out if they'd get off for Halloween first? Well, can't Mark call in sick? What do you mean, "that's lying"? Where were you raised? No, I don't want him to get fired.
Well, maybe next year, then.
Yeah.
Me, too.
Bye.
[humming.]
Hey Jackie.
Hi.
Happy Halloween.
Listen, your mom's really bummed out, And I'm gonna try and help her get back her Halloween spirit.
You want to help? Not interested.
I'd give you 20 bucks.
Interested.
Okay.
Here's the plan.
Now, we just want to get a rise out of her.
So one thing that usually always-- Please, Jackie, I think I know how to scare my mother.
Hi.
Happy Halloween.
Did you see the great pumpkin last night? No.
Dan wore pajamas.
Hey, Roseanne, did you see that Evidently in Nebraska, where they grow corn ForUh, various corn products, There has been a rash of farmers Losing body parts in threshing machines.
[gasp.]
Oh, my god, that's an ear! Give it up, Jackie.
Aw, man.
Oh, Jackie? What did you do with the inside of the pumpkin? I put it down the garbage disposal.
That wasn't good? Oh, no, Jackie, that wasn't good.
Oh, man! Ugh.
Turn that light on, will ya? [disposal whirring.]
aah! Aah! Oh, my god! Oh, my god, Roseanne, help! [screaming.]
Oh, my god, Dan! Oh, my god! You want to hand me that towel there? Thanks.
You gonna be okay, honey? Let me put it this way.
Aw, come on, Rosie.
I built that great costume for us.
You'll play a few tasteless pranks on people.
Everything'll be fine once we get down to the lodge party.
Mmm, I ain't goin'.
What? This is our special day.
I mean, I know you're upset about Becky, but-- It's not just Becky, it's everything.
After what we've been through this year, I just don't feel like puttin' on some stupid costume and partyin'.
Say it ain't so, Rose.
I don't know, just all of a sudden Mooning the retirement home And stuffing dead fish through people's mail slots Just seems somehow childish.
[laughing.]
I know what you're doing.
What the hell are you talkin' about? Ah, man, this is gonna be big.
So what's it gonna be, like a prank on the whole lodge? Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised.
Oh, please let me tell you, Dan.
All right, all right, tell me.
No, don't tell me.
Okay, tell me.
Okay, here's a hint.
Um, it starts off with you being really disappointed.
Oh, darn, I gave away the ending.
Okay, I believe you.
Give me another hint.
How do I look? Well, it's nice to see you in a skirt for a change.
All right, i'm out of here.
Hey, hey, hey, wait, your brother's in the kitchen.
He needs a ride.
[sighs.]
[knock on door.]
Trick or treat.
All right, all right.
Man, you guys are real scary.
I'm sure scared here.
Okay, happy Halloween.
Nice night.
See ya.
How come he can't just get there by himself? 'cause you're his big sister.
You're gonna drive him over there, You're gonna wheel him in, and then you're gonna lean him against a wall.
Fine.
Then I'm out of there.
How am I gonna get home? Your dad'll pick you up after the lodge party.
Okay.
Let me here your line.
I ate his liver with some fava beans and nice chianti.
Perfect.
Let's go.
And remember, Darlene, When you put him in the back seat, face up.
[knock on door.]
[knocking.]
Whoa.
What grade are you in? [echoing voice.]
I am the ghost of Halloween past.
Okay, here's your snickers.
Do not toy with me, Roseanne conner.
How the hell did you get in here? Tonight, the ghosts of halloween past, present, and future Will come to renew in you the joys of the Halloween spirit.
You must come with meNow.
Who's under that sheet? Is that you fisher? Do not look under the sheet! Well, you want me to go with you, right? How do I know that you really are some Evil and terrifying spirit from beyond the grave And not just some ordinary creep, huh, casper? Okay.
Look under the sheet.
[laughter.]
I'll get my purse.
I want to know where you're taking me.
You must travel back to where it all began.
[sigh.]
okay.
Wow.
Cool trick.
You are now at the center of all time.
You must travel back Well, I hope you have a tram or somethin'.
As you shall see, The spirit of Halloween was with you from birth.
Hey, that's me in my little bassinette.
There's mom hovering over me.
You know, until I was about 1, I thought She was just some huge, annoying mobile.
Lookit, i'm in my bunny suit.
I hated that bunny suit.
You love your little bunny suit, don't you? Yes.
Your first Halloween.
It's such a happy holiday, Full of magic and make-believe.
Man, she wasn't even cool for the '50s.
Rosie? [baby choking.]
Sweetheart.
[baby coughing.]
Roseanne, are you all right? Roseanne! Oh, my goodness.
Al? She's not breathing.
She's turning blue.
Al, call the doctor! Al! [baby laughing.]
Though crude, this early prank laid the foundation For a brilliant career.
You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.
Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
[laughs.]
oh, right.
Why shouldn't I eat it? Well, everybody knows they put poison and razor blades in those.
Better give it to me.
That's stupid.
That's not really true.
See? It's okay.
Well, I guess you're right.
Aah! Ha ha ha ha ha! You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
[big band.]
And how could you forget, it was Halloween That brought a kindred spirit into your life? Hey, Roseanne.
Hi, cindy, how's it going? So what are you supposed to be? Oh, i'm Ginger from Gilligan's Island, You know, if they never found the island.
What are you? I'm a princess.
Oh, a princess.
I get it.
This is my date, Dan conner.
How's it going? Oh, yeah.
Ginger if they didn't find the island.
Great costume.
Thanks.
So, Roseanne, uh, why aren't you dancing tonight? Oh, I didn't feel like it.
I'm just running the apple bob.
Come on, cindy, give it a try.
I'll let you go free.
Well, all right.
Hold this.
What do you give me to hold her there a couple minutes? [laughing.]
what's so funny? [Dan.]
hee hee hee hee! Oh, my god! Gee, Cindy, why so blue? Do you really not want to dance? Depends.
Oh, he never knew what hit him.
And so, Roseanne conner, We have seen the importance of the Halloween spirit You have since abandoned, And now we must return.
Well, wait, there's other stuff I want to see, Like, uh, this one time, I took this coonskin cap, And I put it on my skateboard, And i'd push it out into traffic, And yell, "look out for my dog!" [laughs.]
I'd love to see that twice.
Ha ha ha ha ha! [knock on door.]
It was only a dream.
I am the ghost of Halloween present.
No, you're not.
You're some great big piece of candy corn.
Geez, I get this all the time.
Look, i'm a symbol of Halloween.
Halloween, candy corn, end of story, let's go.
Okay, but I hope nobody sees us together 'cause i'm supposed to be on slim fast.
it was a graveyard smash he did the mash it caught on in a flash he did the mash we did the monster mash I'm sorry, Jackie.
I'm not going in the ladies' room.
You're just gonna have to hold it.
I got to go sometime, Dan.
Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar.
Don't tell me what to do, Dan, I'm doin' you a favor just wearing this thing.
Oh yeah, like i'm sure the real marie antoinette drank so much beer.
So this is it? You bring me to the lodge? Isn't there anything about my life I could learnIn hawaii? Just watch and learn.
No, i'm not gonna let you see Fisher.
You're gonna get ticked off if he's talking to that indian girl.
Fine, then angle me towards the punch.
[growling.]
Well? Oh.
Ah.
Hey, honey, havin' fun? Oh, I love being wedged under dan's armpit While you're hanging out with Pocahontas over there.
She just came up to say hello.
What was I supposed to do, be rude? You know that this plays with a lot of trust issues that I have.
This is about last night, isn't it? All I said was I love you.
But it doesn't count if you say it during sex.
What difference does it make when I say it? Because you're completely out of control.
You'd say anything.
Do you want to know some of the other things that you said? Hey, guys, can I say something? Dan, do you mind? This is private! Who wants to shake my hand? Aw, come on, somebody wants to shake it.
[buzz.]
Whoa! Whoa! It's called a joy buzzer.
That was just me playing a prank.
You know how roseanne's always playing Halloween pranks.
Well, that was one of mine.
That was a Halloween prank.
Got it, Crystal.
She do the joy buzzer thing? [buzz.]
Ah, I sure do miss Roseanne.
Me, too.
I thought she'd be here by now.
Doesn't feel like Halloween without her.
So is this the part where i'm supposed to get all weepy And say I wish I would've gone to the party? No.
Don't you get it? You've ruined the holiday for all your friends.
They need you.
On the other hand, at least we don't have to eat Those godawful pumpkin cookies she makes.
Boy, she bakes once a year.
You'd think it wouldn't taste like grout.
Hey! And you know, some of those pranks of hers, They aren't even funny, they're just plain mean.
Yeah, but you have to laugh like they're funny, Or she throws a tantrum, acts like a baby.
I do not! Defend me, Dan! Hey, live with the woman.
Oh, i'm telling you.
Hey, what is this supposed to teach me? I'm sorry, you weren't supposed to hear that.
Well, time's up, let's go.
No, wait a minute.
You think I was so hard to live with before, buddy, Just wait 'til you get home.
He can't hear you.
Oh yeah? Dan! Woo, anybody else get a chill? [knock on door.]
I am the ghost of Halloween future.
Oh.
Okay.
Come with me.
Where are you taking me? You are there.
You have already stepped into the future.
Now you must see what will happen If you continue to deny the Halloween spirit.
Remember when this used to be the coolest house on Halloween? Yeah.
Before Mrs.
Conner went through the change.
Happy Halloween, boys.
Trick or treat! Wow.
Mini-tooth paste.
And floss.
Now, you boys remember That Halloween is a holiday of fun and treats, Not a celebration of satan.
[oven bell rings.]
Excuse me, my game hens are ready.
Man, what happened to me? Come.
You must see it all.
Remember, Darlene, there is nothing like a game hen For Halloween to really please your man.
Yeah, i'm chopping vegetables, mom, just like you taught me.
Oh, my goodness, Darlene! See? It's just a joke, mom.
Remember? Jokes? Darlene, there are people on this earth Who have chopped off their arms Who would not find that at all amusing! Roseanne, i'm leaving you.
But why? Didn't I keep the house clean enough? Wasn't I a good cook? It's not that.
It's just thatYou bore me.
Don't leave me, Dan.
I try the best I can, but i'm only a woman.
Aw, god, Dan, leave her.
Leave her.
But, Dan, Dan, do you have enough socks? [car door slams.]
Oh, my god, i've become what I hate most.
Not yet.
You must go farther into the future To see where this path will lead you.
I don't want to.
You grew to be an elderly divorced woman Living with your spinster sister.
Oh, my god, i'm living with Jackie? I don't want to see any more.
Come on, Roseanne.
We don't want to be late.
All right, Jackie, i'm all set.
Why is my mother here? That's not your mother, Roseanne.
That's you.
Aah! Thank god, there's still time! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, too.
Rosie, thank god! Roseanne.
Yeah, hey, everybody.
Ha ha ha! Well, I just couldn't stay home one more second Feelin' sorry for myself when I knew that all You guys were down here missing me so much, Saying such really, really, nice things about me.
Yeah, you know how much we love you, honey.
Yeah.
You know, Crystal, I brought a whole trunkload of my pumpkin cookies for you.
And i've got somethin' for you later, Dan.
Well, i'm so glad you came, Roseanne.
Want to shake my hand? Oh, i'll do that later.
But first I want to show you all my torch.
Anybody got a light? So, uh, this the whole thing? This is what we've been waitin' for? Oh, no, Dan, no.
This is what you've been waitin' for.
[alarm sounding.]
Happy Halloween! Turn that light on, will you? [disposal whirring.]
aah! Oh, my god! Roseanne! Help! Oh, Dan! Oh, my god! Oh, Roseanne! Oh, my god! Handball? [man.]
clear! Stump the band?