Rules of Engagement s05e07 Episode Script

We know letting someone out of their lease is not standard business procedure.
But, given our situation-- Our situation is that my wife here is crazy.
Jeff, would you please-- Ah, ah, ah.
See, she had an Oprah "ah-ha moment.
" Oprah.
The thing is, Audrey quit her job, and then, she thought that she wanted to sell cookies.
So, we ended up leasing a store that we don't need.
Okay, first of all, hello from under the bus.
And you are the one who rented this place.
Yeah, I was trying to be a supportive husband, all right? Now put a sock in it.
Look, you can see what I'm up against here.
Down to one income, it's a tough time.
Mm-hmm.
It's a tough time for me too.
I'll tell you what, I'll flip a coin, we'll see who loses.
You do.
But the lease says I've got to clean the place, so, I'll give you a break on the rent if you do it.
Hmm.
I'll flip the coin to see if I help you clean up.
No.
And so now I'm on the hook for a three-month lease on the store.
Just more stress that I don't need.
Hey, maybe you can sublet it to these chinese acrobat girls.
I mean, they don't need a lot of space, 'cause they just fold up.
Your mom had to be high when she nursed you.
She says no.
Anyway, I get a break on the rent if I clean the place myself, but it's a total mess.
What are you doing today? Oh, I've got big plans to not help you clean.
Can you push that to another day? Howdy.
Doody.
So guys, I'm seeing this french chick Margaux, right? She's an exchange student-- from France? She was definitely high.
So she's getting her master's in thinky-think.
But she's so refined and cultured, I'm having trouble getting her into le sack.
So, she's french Yet won't surrender.
Yeah, it'll be a lot of work, but worth it.
You know, classy girls are like turtles.
They're rarely on their backs, but once it happens they're there for a good, long time.
Well, if she's a grad student she must have read Tom Sawyer.
Did you ever read Tom Sawyer? No.
So you don't know the part about Tom Sawyer and whitewashing the fence? No.
Oh, my God.
It's, like, the greatest story ever.
I gotta go.
No, wait, hold on.
Tell me, I want to hear it.
Okay, walk with me to the store.
Okay.
Good afternoon.
Whatever.
Sir, I was wondering if I might sneak out of work a tad early this evening? You don't have to sneak, I won't be there.
Splendid.
Because, uh, tonight I was going to take Allison out.
What's with you guys? You're always taking her places, doing things.
It's called dating, sir.
It's where one gives money to a restaurant or theater, as opposed to merely leaving it on the woman's dresser.
I've heard of it.
So, where are you going? We're going to see the Thannhausser Collection at the Guggenheim.
Funny words.
Oh, how about this.
Margaux and I will double with you and Allison and we'll all go to the booger-hammer.
It's the Guggenheim, and, oh, I'd love to, sir, but we have other plans.
What are you talking about, you just said that's what you are doing! It was worth a shot.
However, I'm not sure our plans are exactly your cup of tea, sir.
Well, that's true, but they are Margaux's cup of tea.
She's french and highly cultured.
And I really want to creme her brulee.
Well sir, I'm flattered.
Basically, you'd like to piggy-back off of my refinement.
Sure, whatever gets me in the Google-hummer.
How many ways to say I love you? how many ways to say that I'm not scared with you by my side there is no denying that I can't wait for me and you And that is how Tom Sawyer tricked the other boys into painting the fence for him.
Man, they were gullible.
That's pretty clever how Tom convinced them that work was fun.
Hey, I'm gonna go roll those chairs over by the wall.
No, I wanna.
I can't believe that I have to pay rent on this useless crap shack! Down to one income, I'm working all the time.
Yeah, there you go.
You know, it's not healthy to keep that all bottled up, man.
Let it out, hit something.
Oh, thanks buddy.
Face or gut? No! No, no, no, no.
Not me.
Here, use this.
No, still not me.
Gah! Feel better? Yeah.
Hey, think fast.
Come on! Goal! No goal! It went out of bounds first.
This a ruling for the commissioner of mannequin head ball.
I'll allow it.
Well, I say no goal.
And I am the president of mannequin head ball.
Who do you report to? The commissioner.
Okay, then.
What a wonderful exhibit.
Oh, I know.
How about all that art, huh? It was all over the walls and stuff.
Oh, the Picasso, and the Rubens.
Oh, they have those here? You're funny.
Allison and I favored the Italian futurists.
Mm.
They are good.
Timmy, this might be the wine talking but I think I'd like another glass of wine.
And I think that's an excellent idea.
I'm sure Margaux here can attest to wine's many health benefits.
Oui, oui.
Yes, it does make you do that.
What a lovely evening.
Yes, it certainly is.
A most lovely evening.
Sir, a bottle of your finest bubbles.
Ah, champagne.
Mais naturellement.
Bravo, mon ami.
Russell, are all your friends so sophisticated? Oh, my God, yes.
Oh, dude, no farting.
I'll allow it.
Okay, okay! It's halftime! Halftime! Man, this is the greatest game ever.
I know.
It's already better than soccer.
Whoa, whoa.
I told Jen I'd be home by now.
I told Audrey I'd be back for movie night.
That's too bad, this is the best.
For the first time in weeks I'm not all stressed out.
Now is not the time to go home and watch some damn Tilda Swinton movie.
Which is why it's too bad we both have to work late.
You gotta go back to the office? You You don't get things, do you? Not usually.
I'm saying that's what we tell the girls.
Oh.
That's why you're the commissioner.
Head in play.
This is the security camera feed for the store? The landlord sent me a link.
I logged on to see if Jeff had cleaned the place, and I found this.
And they have no idea that we can see them? Do they look like people who know they're being watched? For the first time in weeks he's not working late, and instead of coming home, he does this.
Is that a mannequin head they're hitting? God, I hope so.
Well, well, well.
Look at both of us, working it.
It, of course, being our mojo.
Spritz, please.
One for the Jersey side.
It's going well.
By showing frenchie I'm a man of culture, I'll see Paris, France, and her underpants.
Artfully said, sir.
And your presence has not affected Allison in a negative way at all.
In fact, she is showing distinct signs of friskiness.
Well, I'm happy to have foamed down the runway for you.
That you did.
A little gay.
Look what I did.
Wow.
In hi-def the stupidity just leaps off the screen.
It's kind of like watching a nature documentary.
Yeah, about apes.
In their crude game, the smaller primate seems to have bested the silver-back, causing him to retaliate.
Ooh! The smaller one cowers, and presents his bottom as a sign of submission.
Ooh.
Let's see what happens when outside stimulus is introduced to their environment.
Hey, Aud.
Hey, it's almost 8:00.
You gonna make it home for movie night? Oh, I wish I could, but I'm stuck at work again.
Really.
'Cause I called you at work, it went straight to voicemail.
I'm working in the conference room, it's closer to the can.
The silver-back is a skilled liar.
Uh, okay.
Well, I hope I see you soon.
It's probably going to be a few hours, will you quit it? Is someone there with you? No, I was talking to you.
Quit it, Audrey, quit keeping me from my working.
Back at it.
Okay, bye.
He's such a good liar, he took all the fun out of it.
Well, we know who's gonna put the fun back in it.
No.
Give it to me.
Don't worry, I got this.
Hey, Jen.
I got stuck in the subway between stations.
There's no reception, I can't hear you.
Oh, so you can't hear me at all? I can't hear you at all.
Uh The subway snake! Lying sacks.
You know what? I'm recording this, so I can rub it in Jeff's face when he gets home later.
Subway snakes.
I'm gonna have my tubes tied.
I just feel lucky that I found someone who shares my thirst for culture.
Moi aussi.
Mm.
Ooh.
What is it? You take my breath away.
It must be the champagne.
Oh, I think it's more than just the champagne.
Excuse me, I need to use the ladies room.
Oh, hmm.
I'll join you.
Don't be long.
Do hurry back.
Aah! Ow! My back, I can't get up.
You look like a turtle.
Heh, ironic.
Well, the show ended a while ago, so the guys should be home soon.
Well, they could have been delayed by the subway snakes.
Have you decided how you are going to bust Jeff? I have.
I'm going to ask him to tell me all about work, effectively handing him a shovel, with which to dig his own grave.
Then as he stands on the precipice of said grave, I am going to press play, and enjoy the thud.
I'm just going to hide Adam's hair gel.
Ah, the apes return to their nesting grounds.
Aah.
Look at you guys, you're both so sweaty.
Oh yeah, it's from doing separate activities in different parts of the city.
Well, it's late.
You guys must be hungry.
I'll warm up some dinner, but, uh, in the meantime, want a banana? Ooh.
Aah.
That's a nice treat, isn't it? Come on, Adam.
Let's go home.
Yeah, I should shower.
This sweat is making me itchy.
It's a shame you had to work late again.
Someone's gotta bring home the bacon, right? Yeah.
So, what did you do at work tonight? I had to clean up some accounts, check out some foreign markets.
Diversification.
A lot of stock stuff.
Yeah? Dow, Nasdaq.
Well, I had an interesting evening too, and, uh, I'd like to share it with you.
Oh, okay.
But, hey.
What? I know that I've been stressed about work and everything, lately and I've probably been taking it out on you.
SoSorry.
Really? Yeah.
Well, thanks.
I appreciate that.
But, you know, I got to work through some stuff today, and you know what? I'm feeling a lot better.
Well That's great.
And, let's just be in this together.
All right? I mean, I was dumb for thinking I could sell cookies, and, you were dumb for renting the store.
There's plenty of dumb to go around here.
And, um, anyway, what did you want to show me? No, it's not important.
It never is.
I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
All right, look.
If you need to work late, if that makes you feel better, I'm okay with it, I'm good here.
Jen and I found a new show to watch, actually.
It's a nature thing.
It's one of those deals where dumb animals do stupid things? Pretty much.
I'll warm up your dinner.
I'm gonna finish my banana.
Given our legs were in a tangle, and we'd all had a lot to drink, it was an understandable mistake.
Okay, now you know, and we can all move on.
Dude, we held hands.
They're not moving on for years.
I mean, it was just a matter of time for you two.
All the tension, the need for release.
Mm.
Stop it, don't touch me, I don't want to be touched.
That's not what he said.
What on earth are you doing? I'm trying to get on their side, I don't like it here.
Plus my back is still killing me.
Way to go, slugger.
Uh, you know what you guys both need is a shot of testosterone.
Oh, already getting them.
That's not what I meant.
Adam and I discovered something that might help you gals erase the memory of last night.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Oh! Trick shot! Yeah! Nice work.
Yeah.
Fancy another game, old man? Oh, you know what? Bring it.
I think this is working.
I'm starting to feel more manly already.
Indeed.
I too feel masculinity cascading from stem to stern.
This one's still got a ways to go.
Yeah.
Head in play.
This show just keeps getting better.
I like the way they added these new characters to keep it fresh.
Ow, ow, ow! My back, I can't move! What are you doing? Aah! Stop the game! He's mounting me! I'll allow it! Ow, my back! I can't move! Did not see that coming.
Uh-oh.
Wait, I think they're on to us.