Big Bang Theory s05e08 Episode Script

So, Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses? Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
AMY: Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
BERNADETTE: Really? AMY: 12 years ago, my cousin Irene and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
That's horrible.
Yes and no.
All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free.
So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all.
Check it out, still in the bags.
The gowns, not the bridesmaids.
I don't know.
Dead people's dresses? Yeah, and cap sleeve Eh.
.
Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't notice.
Irene was always a slave to a good bargain when it came to clothes, and sadly as it turned out, space heaters.
Ladies, please.
These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach.
But through no one's fault, Penny, the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined.
And again, I'm looking at no one in particular, Penny.
Fine.
What would you like to talk about, Sheldon? "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us? I've prepared a number of topics Okay, that time you looked at me.
Who didn't? Your skin is like alabaster.
Do you even have pores? SHELDON: Topic one: "Faster-than-light particles at CERN-- "paradigm-shifting discovery or another Swiss export as full of holes as their cheese?" And converse.
PENNY: All right, who wants to go to my apartment and look at bridal magazines? Oh, me.
Through no one's fault, Sheldon, we're leaving.
Wait for moi.
You're leaving? Sheldon, sometimes you forget, I'm a lady.
And with that comes an estrogen-fueled need to page through thick glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
New topic: women.
Delightfully mysterious or bat-crap crazy? Totally.
What's wrong with cap sleeves? If you have the right figure for it, they're adorable.
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started Wait! The Earth began to cool The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools We built the Wall We built the pyramids Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery That all started with a big bang Bang! Hey, Amy, what brings you to our neck of the woods? Your neurology department loaned me a culture of prions for my research on bovine spongiform encephalopathy.
She popped by to borrow a cup of mad cow disease.
It's hard to make degenerative brain maladies hilarious, and yet somehow you do it.
That's fun to have in a lunchroom.
The real fun starts when you get to pick the rat you're going to feed it to, and maybe you choose the beady-eyed little mother who's been biting you all week.
Please, we're eating.
Can we get that off the table and change the subject? Can we? Stand back while I turn this conversation into a "conver-sensation.
" This time, it's your fault.
I have 100 alphabetized topics from "artichoke-- come on, people, it's just a giant thistle," to "zzz-- the onamona-poetry of sleep.
" Amy, how long would it take for that mad cow disease to kill me? I don't know, four or five years.
No, it's not gonna do it.
Oy.
Bernadette keeps texting me pictures of Penny in bridesmaid dresses.
They're out shopping right now? Yeah.
Just the two of them? I guess.
That's cool, that's cool.
Why are they asking me about this stuff? What guy knows what a sweetheart neckline is? (video game music playing over TV) Leonard's coming down the home stretch! Come on, horsey, you can do this! Damn.
Come on, thigh muscles, you can do this! (panting) Yes! First place.
I would have been a great jockey if I weren't too tall.
And scared of horses.
Sheldon, you're up.
What? Come on, it's your turn.
We said we'd get more fresh air.
Sorry.
I'm a little distracted.
I can't seem to get in touch with Amy.
I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her, nothing.
Did you try calling her on the telephone? The telephone.
You know, Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.
Voice mail.
Curiouser and curiouser.
If you're worried, we can go over there and see if she's all right.
Okay.
You know, I heard in the news a bobcat has been spotted in her neighborhood.
I don't think Amy was eaten by a bobcat.
Who thinks Amy was eaten by a bobcat? You do? Leonard, I was just mentioning an interesting local news item.
Now, thanks to you, I'm worried Amy's been eaten by a bobcat.
Forget about the bobcat.
How can I? You won't stop talking about it! Everybody hurts Sometimes (voice breaking): Everybody cries (sobbing) Everybody hurts Sometimes.
She sounds weepy.
I don't like weepy.
Let's go.
Uh She's your friend.
Step up.
Amy.
Amy.
Amy.
Bye.
Where are you going? I'm single, I don't need this crap.
Sheldon, what are you doing here? You didn't respond to any of my electronic communications.
I wanted to be alone.
Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that "no" is a perfectly viable answer.
Sheldon, my world is crumbling around me.
Point of order.
As you're in distress, it would be customary for me to offer you a hot beverage.
But I'm a guest in your home, so it would be customary for you to offer me a beverage.
How do you want to proceed vis-à-vis beverages? It doesn't matter.
Nothing matters.
If you'd like to take your mind off what's troubling you, uh, word on the street is a bobcat has been spotted.
Penny and Bernadette went shopping for bridesmaids dresses without me.
And that made you feel sad? Yes.
I knew it.
Just keep going.
I guess I'm good at this.
It's just, I thought they liked hanging out with me, but I guess I was fooling myself.
When they were over here, did you fail to offer them a beverage? 'Cause I can see how that could stick in someone's craw.
Sheldon, I'm going to ask you something, and I'd like you to keep an open mind.
Always.
At this moment, I find myself craving human intimacy and physical contact.
Oh, boy.
You know ours is a relationship of the mind.
Proposal.
One wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Counterproposal.
I will gently stroke your head and repeat, "Aw, who's a good Amy"" How about this? French kissing-- seven minutes in heaven culminating in second base.
Neck massage then you get me that beverage.
We cuddle.
Final offer.
Very well.
Oh, boy.
I'm just saying, second base is right there.
Mm, I'm thinking about adopting some quirky affectation, like a pipe or a monocle or a handlebar mustache.
For all those girls out there looking for the Indian Monopoly man? This is not a safe place.
You can't share anything here.
The two of you need to get your women in line! What? Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler.
This on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space-time geometry in higher-spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star.
And why? Your gal pals, Penny and Bernadette, went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory or my Lego fun time! What do you want us to do about it? You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right.
I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny! Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
You invited her to lunch four years ago.
Everything about her is on you; you make it so! - Moo-shu is Penny.
- Thank you.
Where's Sheldon? He was up late last night, so I gave him an early dinner and put him to bed.
That's so sweet.
Yeah, but now he's gonna be up at dawn and want to play.
So, listen, guys, the reason he was up late is because he was taking care of Amy.
She's kind of upset.
Why? Her feelings got hurt because you guys went dress shopping without her.
I told you that would happen.
Okay, look, this is her first time being a bridesmaid and she's just getting a little crazy with it.
She keeps on telling us stories about bridesmaid traditions in other cultures, and they're all about getting naked and washing each other.
Yeah, and she keeps trying to figure out if our cycles have synced up so we can call ourselves "The Three Menstra-Teers"" We thought it would be easier to look at dresses one time without her.
I feel terrible.
I know.
Me, too.
We'll talk to her.
Hey, wait, how did she find out? Raj did it.
And he says he would do it again.
Hey, I'm sorry.
You sent me the picture; I wasn't thinking.
- Oh, Howie.
- Well, hey, I'm usually pretty good at not blabbing.
You tell me tons of stuff about these guys, and I never repeat it.
- What do you tell him? - Oh, you know, just pillow talk.
You guys have nothing to worry about.
Hold on, did you talk about us when we were dating? No.
All your little secrets are fine.
Yes, absolutely fine.
(giggles): I'll tell you later.
Come on, tumor.
Come on, tumor, Mama needs an aggressive little glioblastoma.
Yay, brain tumor! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.
- Hi.
- Hello.
What are you doing here? Well, look, we just wanted to apologize for not bringing you with us the other day.
That's not necessary-- it's like Sesame Street says: "One of these things is not like the other, one of these things should die alone.
" Come on, Amy, let us make it up to you.
We'll have a girl's night; we'll do whatever you want.
We can go down to the Korean baths and do that thing you were talking about where we wash each other.
With-with loofah mitts, no hands.
It's okay.
I'm glad this happened.
I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in- the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Amy, we're really sorry.
Yeah, we feel awful.
Don't.
I'll be okay.
You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me.
It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Oh, come on, Amy.
You don't get it.
Look at this brain.
I don't really want to.
This is us.
Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere.
Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere.
And where's Amy? She's right here-- the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Amy, you're not a tumor.
Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.
(retching) (phone ringing) Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with "ahoy"? Ahoy.
I like it.
Amy? Is that you? Have you been drinking? I'm sorry, I bet my sweet what? Well, all right.
We're on our way.
What's going on? It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Really? Amy? Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman.
They are a handful.
Oh, look.
It's Sheldon and little Leonard.
Hi, little Leonard.
Hi, Amy.
Hey, Cuddles.
Cuddles? Yes, Cuddles.
We cuddled.
Grow up, Leonard.
- Amy, what are you doing here? - Well, I came here to get a bottle of wine like Penny taught me to do when you're sad.
Yeah, but why didn't you go back to your apartment? Didn't you go to high school, Leonard? Parking lots are where all the cool kids hang out.
Not that the rat bastards ever invited me.
Maybe we should get you home.
Oh, hang on, hang on, hang on.
Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel, and have your way with me? Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take? I'm begging both of you, please, let's go.
Okay.
Come on.
- Upsy-daisy.
- Whee! Ooh, finally someone found second base.
I know how you feel.
I got a knife slicing through my frontal lobe, too.
(knocking) Hi.
What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back? I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me.
You can have it back if you want.
No, you made that for you; I want you to have it.
We know you're upset, and you have every right to be, but if it's okay with you, we'd like a second chance to make things right.
PENNY: We are really sorry, and we were trying to think of some way to show you how much we care about you.
BERNADETTE: Which is why it would mean so much if you would agree to be the maid of honor at my wedding.
What? Wait, is this some kind of practical joke? Like in Norway, when my "friends" trapped me in a sauna with a horny otter? No.
I-I want you to be the maid of honor.
Oh, my gosh.
No one's every asked me to be the maid of honor before.
Well, that's not true.
Once, but then they all died.
So is that a yes? (laughs): Yes.
Yes.
Oh, my gosh, I-I have so much to do.
There's the bridal shower and the bachelorette party.
What should we do for the bachelorette party? (gasps) Oh, I know-- we'll go to a Native American sweat lodge, we'll take peyote, roll around in the mud, and paint fertility symbols on Bernadette's naked body.
So that's happening.
Yeah, sure, sure.
Vegas is fun, too.
I feel like crying.
Of course, I could just be hormonal.
Oh, wait.
Maybe our menses are finally syncing up.
Bernadette? No? Penny? - Sorry.
- Really? Okay, yeah.
Yay! Maid of honor Amy Farrah Fowler's amazing behind-the-scenes wedding video, take one.
We're just trying on dresses-- do we really need to record this? I'm sorry, are you the maid of honor? I am the bride.
So no.
And action.
What do you think? I love it! AMY: What are you, a nun? Come on, bestie, let's see some skin.
BERNADETTE: Amy! Looking sexy! You think they don't have mirrors in there? I know how I look.
Oh! Bernadette, you look beautiful! AMY: You do.
- Thank you.
Not Penny beautiful, but beautiful.
AMY: Come on, bestie, you're up.
PENNY: Give me a minute.
What is taking you so long? Oh, Amy! Get the hell out of here! Sorry, sorry.
(groans): Oh, God.
- Amy! - Sorry.