Mike & Molly s05e08 Episode Script

Here we go.
Dinner is served.
Thank God.
I am starving.
Nothing like that first meal after a good colonoscopy.
Seriously, I don't know why people are so squeamish.
My procedure today was downright pleasant.
In and out.
I've had oil changes that took longer.
Now I'm just picturing you up on some lift with a couple greasy mechanics under you.
Been there.
Come on, let the man crow.
He's footloose and polyp-free.
Doctor said I had the prostate of a 12 year old.
Joyce, you still got the picture in your purse? You're the one who wanted to have a family meal.
I know, but I always forget that the family in my head is never the one that shows up.
Here it is.
This is definitely going on the fridge.
Look at that colon.
Huh? Pink as this ham.
Wow, that's not a bad lipstick color.
What do you think, Mol? Well, as repulsed as I am, it is encouraging to see a man take responsibility for his health and actually go to the doctor.
Oh, yeah.
I go every daylight saving.
Spring forward, the doc checks the front.
Fall back, he checks the crack.
And when was the last time he went to the doctor? Before me.
That was his mother's administration.
Oh, come on, it wasn't that long ago.
I remember it was the year the Cubs missed the World Series 'cause that kid interfered with that foul ball.
That was 12 years ago; I helped TP that bastard's house.
Why should I go? I feel great.
If there's something wrong, my body will tell me.
What, are you deaf? Mike, it's not really a big deal.
You just get naked, hop up on the table, put your feet in stirrups and try not to sneeze.
Please don't help.
I already know what the doctor's gonna do, okay? He's gonna charge me for some cockamamy test, push some pills I don't need, and tell me to lose 20 pounds.
Watch it, or you're gonna get a boot in that pretty pink colon of yours.
Mike, I'm only being a pest because I love you, but know this: I have not yet begun to nag.
Mike, you really should go.
Don't be a baby.
Grow a pair and have them looked at.
Yeah, why don't you just make an appointment? Okay, if it will shut you all up, I will do it.
- Thank you.
- You won't regret it, pal.
If you get your colon checked, go to my guy.
Steady hand and generous with the lube.
That's a good quality in a doctor.
And a lover.
It's a it's a different family.
I know.
La, la-Ba-Dee-da La, la-Ba-Dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Hey, hon.
Did you make a doctor's appointment? Put that down, and I'll tell you.
No, I did not.
And what's today's excuse? 'Cause you already used lost your phone, lost the number, couldn't charge your cell phone, bad reception, uh, too busy giving CPR to a police horse.
Well, today wasn't as heroic, but it was just as frustrating.
I-I called, and then I got lost in that stupid automated phone system.
I pressed one and ended up on a Spanish menu, then I got bounced from departmente to departmente.
I just got the hell out of there.
Okay.
You can call them now.
Whoa, no can do.
The close at cinco-thirty.
All right, can we just stop with the charade? I already made you an appointment.
What? Yeah.
Mañana morning at ocho o'clock.
Molly, that's too soon.
I got to prepare.
I mean, I got to get some time off of work.
I got to buy clean underwear.
Yep, I already cleared it with your boss.
And there's a three-pack of tighty-whities on the bed.
You didn't have to do that.
I'm not a baby, you know.
Well, then when you get a shot, maybe you won't cry.
Shot? Nobody said anything about needles.
How the hell am I supposed to know my group plan number? Same as mine.
You've got it memorized? Of course I do; Got to know it for my dermatologist, my orthopedist, my internist, my ENT and my hypnotist.
Helped me quit smoking and moderate my foot fetish.
Of course, you love going to the doctor.
Taking off your shirt, showing off all your muscles, parading around for all the nurses.
Yeah, well, I don't parade, but if the door is open, the door is open.
A-And by the way, those gowns are optional; You don't have to wear them.
Do you know what it's like for a guy my size to go to the doctor? It's humiliating, okay? My whole life I've spent layering so I can cover all this.
Here, it's on full display, nude.
I can't even put a tasteful scarf on the lamp like I do at home.
Man, being naked is the last thing you have to worry about.
I'd be more concerned about what's going on under that husky hood, you know? Your blood pressure, cholesterol, glucose levels, triglycerides, your bad knees, your sciatica.
Low testosterone, high estrogen.
And that skin tag village on your neck I got to look at eight hours a day.
Whatever problems I might have will go away if I just lose a little weight.
In fact, that's probably all he's gonna tell me anyway.
If he doesn't, you need to change doctors.
Maybe I should save us a lot of embarrassment lose the weight and then come back.
Yeah, I don't think Molly would like that.
Well, that's why you're not gonna tell her.
Where are you going? Get my diet started.
You heard what I think the doctor's probably gonna say.
I am so sorry.
Yes, we will try and reschedule.
I'm sure he had his reasons for running out like that.
No, there wasn't a family emergency.
That won't happen until he gets home.
Okay.
All right, well, thank you.
Well, the big chicken flew the coop.
Ah, don't worry about it.
Took me a long time to train Vince to go to the doctor.
Finally fed him some beets.
He thought he was crapping blood.
Been going twice a year since.
That's not gonna work.
Mike won't eat beets.
Well, Carl loves to be naked.
And? That's it.
He just loves to be naked.
You know, Mike's always saying that he doesn't want me to treat him like a baby, but right now I'd like to swat him on the bottom and put him to bed without a bottle.
Carl likes that, too.
All right, all right, okay.
See, the problem is you're treating him like a child, when you should be treating him like a dog.
I'm listening.
Look, remember how we used to get Monroe to the vet? Trail of Snausages to the back of the car.
He thinks he's going to the park.
Next thing you know, his balls are gone and he's not humping you girls anymore.
Mom, I want to send him to the doctor, not neuter him.
Hey, I'm just saying.
Get him there.
And then decide.
Wow, this is great.
I didn't even know the air show was in town.
Plus, all those mini Kit-Kats in the driveway? What a morning! Well, you deserve it.
Such a good boy.
Going to the doctor, you're such a good boy.
It wasn't a big deal.
Like it was nothing.
Exactly.
Hey, wait, isn't the airfield the other way? You know what the funny thing is about doctors? What's that? When you ditch an appointment, they call to reschedule.
Wait, where are we going? Where are you taking me? Where you should have gone two days ago.
Aw, we can't go to the doctor's; We'll miss the air show.
There is no air show! You lied?! You lied first.
You didn't even go to the doctor.
Oh, I went, I just didn't stay.
Unlock this door.
Go ahead.
Jump out.
I'm going 30.
Either way, you are gonna see a medical professional.
It's tight.
That's very tight.
Uh, it's pinching.
Do you know what you're doing? Yeah, I do.
Just know, if my blood pressure is high, it's 'cause of you.
Step on the scale, please.
Is that really necessary? You want me to guess? Fine, but you better subtract a couple pounds for this gown.
There you go.
How about a little bedside manner for the next guy, huh? Start high, go low.
Now for your height.
Six feet on the dot since I'm 17.
Five-eleven.
What?! That's impossible.
Do it again.
The doctor will be right with you.
Mr.
Biggs, nice to meet you.
I'm Dr.
Wexler.
So, how are we feeling today? Well, not great to be honest.
And I don't want to get anybody fired, but your girl there was a little stingy with the height bar.
So, I see here you haven't had a check-up since, uh Wow, turn of the century.
I just don't see the point, Doc.
You're just gonna tell me I'm too fat and I need to lose some weight.
Yeah, but I'd say it nicer than that.
And I would also say Deep breath.
Again.
that you're at an age where carrying that weight can cause serious medical problems.
I know, dude.
Deep breath, please.
Ow.
Is that tender? I wouldn't say tender.
Ow! Stop it.
How long has that area been sensitive? I don't know; Nobody ever touches those.
Hmm, well, it's probably nothing, but just to be safe, we should do some follow-up tests.
What does that mean? Means I'd like to get some images, see what's going on in there.
Make sure everything's okay.
No, everything's okay.
I just wasn't ready.
Here, here, d-do it again.
You got a bony finger.
You'll be happy about that in a minute.
Look at this.
I posted my colon picture on Facebook.
I already got It's a good-looking picture.
You better not put that on ChristianMingle.
com.
There he is.
How was the air show? Really? So, what'd the doctor say? I don't want to talk about it.
Poor guy probably just got his first prostate exam.
Let's just leave him alone and let him sort out his feelings.
Is he okay? Yeah, the doctor found a little cyst in his chest.
He thinks it's nothing, but he wants Mike to get a mammogram.
What? Oh, no.
How scary for him.
Okay, we're not making a big deal out of this.
You know, he just wants to rule out anything more serious.
Are you telling me guys got to worry about their boobs now? It's a lot more common than you think.
Oh, God, I thought we just had to worry about the ball, the bat and the dugout.
Oh, God, I feel something! Joyce, what is that? It's your nipple.
Has it always been that big?! Yes.
Mike, don't start looking up breast lumps on the Internet.
You're just gonna upset yourself.
Oh, I wasn't.
I'm looking at air show videos.
You know, like I was promised.
Listen, I know that the idea of a mammogram is scary.
No, it's not, 'cause I'm not getting one.
Doctor said it was nothing.
He said it was "probably nothing.
" Well, that's close enough for me.
Well, not for me.
Well, it doesn't matter 'cause it's my body.
We're done talking about it.
It's just a little test; Women do it all the time.
And I am a man, ready to deal with manly problems.
It's a hernia, I just push it back in.
High cholesterol, choke down some egg whites.
But a fatty lump in my breast? Come on, what am I supposed to do with that? Get checked out? Ah, you're a dog with a bone, lady.
It's not happening.
Yes, it is, because I love you, and you made a vow to spend the rest of your life with me.
And damn it, it's gonna be a long happy life whether you like it or not! Yeah, well Oh, stop loving me so much! What? You know what the problem with our health care system is? Too many people going to the doctor just 'cause something hurts.
Uh, isn't that why we're supposed to go? No, that's why you go.
And everybody else who's a hypochondriac.
I'm old school something hurts, you rub dirt on it and walk it off.
Rub dirt on it? That's how you get ringworm.
Which is not a real worm.
It's a fungus; It clears up on its own.
Eventually.
The old Mike Biggs "ignore it and it'll go away" strategy? Well, that's better than the Carl McMillan "everything's something" strategy.
You remember that heart attack you had last year that turned out to be gas? Huh? Appendicitis that turned out to be gas? Huh? Slipped disc? Gas! You don't need a doctor, you need to quit drinking ginger ale.
So good though.
Look, I'm just saying, my way of doing things has worked out fine so far.
All right, well, the key phrase there is "so far.
" All right? You didn't just roll off the showroom floor.
You've logged a lot of hard miles on that cement truck you call a body.
All right, I may have suffered a few dings and dents along the way, but that's no reason to assume the worst.
Hey, I'm not assuming the worst.
'Cause you go on that Internet, you scare yourself to death.
Stay in your bed all night, feeling yourself up, thinking "what if.
" Is that why you were so tired today? I didn't sleep a wink.
That's all the more reason you need to go get it checked out.
You know, so we can find out it's only a pulled muscle.
You know, or a gas bubble.
Or you pinned yourself with your badge a few too many times.
I do do that.
Exactly.
Hmm, you've probably just got yourself a case of badge boob.
You think that's what it is? Well, that's what we're here to find out.
Imaging center's on the left.
Ah, you got to be kidding me.
Hey, Molly made the appointment, I was just supposed to get you here.
Oh, and she also wants you to take a picture with the radiologist for proof.
Fine.
But just know, someday, somehow, somebody is taking me to an air show.
Good luck! God, that's so good.
Are you waiting for your wife? Oh, no, hers are perfect, mine are a little sketchy.
I'm just really uncomfortable; It's my first time here.
I understand.
First mammogram I got, I was petrified.
Now I just go in, get squished and get out.
I'm sorry, "squished"? Has anyone told you what's gonna happen in there? Well, my wife tried, but I put a pillow over my head.
It takes five minutes.
They put your breasts on a plate of glass, position it, then another plate comes down.
Like a marshmallow between two graham crackers.
Only thing missing is a piece of chocolate and a ghost story.
My partner and I just busted a crack house, and it's not as scary as this.
Look, you got nothing to worry about.
Unless they find something.
They caught mine pretty early.
Now I'm five years clean.
Ah, that's great.
But you got to be diligent.
You know, early detection is the key that's why I come every year.
Thing about cancer, can't just ignore it and wish for it to go away.
Wow.
You ladies are a lot braver than I am.
But you're here.
That takes a lot of courage.
No, it takes a lot of deceit on my wife and partner's part.
But thank you.
Ma? Molly told me.
I thought you could use some company.
Thanks, Ma.
Just so you know, you get the lumpy breasts from me.
Like two socks full of gum balls.
Well, I'm glad your lump turned out to be nothing.
I'd hate for anything to happen to that sweet rack of yours.
Thanks, honey.
Can I, uh, see the tickets again? Mike, you went to the doctor; The air show is real this time.
Well, excuse me for thinking you might be taking me to the dentist to get my rotten tooth looked at.
You said you took care of that six months ago.
Did I? Hey, check out my neck, huh? Skin tag village, population zero.
That's nice.
You know, Mol, there's no reason to be afraid of the doctor.
Are you kidding? I go twice a year.
Three times if you include the dentist, which is where you're going next.
Oh, I hate the dentist.
All those metal tools in my mouth.
There's worse places metal tools can go.
You want to hear about my last gynecological exam? No.
Oh, really? Well, first she takes the speculum in case you didn't know, it's like a cold metal salad tong.
Okay, enough, enough! Then she scrapes my cervix.
My cervix! Okay, I'll go to the dentist! Just make it stop!