Roseanne s05e08 Episode Script
Ladies' Choice
Ooh! Thank you, sir.
May I have another? Hey, guys.
[Roseanne.]
hey.
Hey, I think I found The perfect creamer for the restaurant.
[moo.]
What do you think? I think in the wrong hands, Petty cash can be a dangerous thing.
No one appreciates my pain.
Which is why you should not be alone all the time.
No, Roseanne.
What, you don't even know what i'm gonna say.
You're gonna fix me up With another one of Dan's friends.
That just shows you how wrong you are.
I was gonna say something totally different.
What? Well, now I forget.
The only thing I can think about Is this one friend of dan's That'd be really perfect for you.
I'm not looking.
Can we just drop it? Come on, Nancy, just 'cause you haven't met anybody lately Doesn't mean you should just give up.
Yeah, besides, this friend of Dan's, I think he is doing really, really well, okay? 'cause he just blew a ton of money on these hair plugs.
Sounds like a dream, Roseanne.
Think i'll take a pass.
No, you won't, because I told him You were gonna call him this morning, And I just know you guys are really-- No.
I'm already seeing someone.
Oh.
Well, thank god, because this bald guy's a real loser.
So, come on, tell us about the guy.
What's his name? We're just gonna bug you 'til you do.
No, it's too soon.
It's too soon.
Come on! Tell us, tell us! You big baby.
All right.
Her name is Marla.
I'm seeing a woman.
What? No, you aren't.
I'm serious.
I'm gay.
Ah, you're just screwing with us, right? No.
So what do you think? Well, it's really surprising.
I mean, when did this happen? Wait a minute.
You and I used to go out looking for guys all the time.
We went to all those singles' dances together.
Singles' dances? I thought we were dating.
Joke.
Joke.
Just kidding.
But--well, I don't get it.
Where'd you meet her? At the cosmetic counter at Rodbell's.
She does makeovers.
Well, she's certainly thorough.
So Did you do it? Oh, Roseanne.
You don't just ask that right away.
For god's sakes.
Why didn't you tell us about it before? I don't know.
I was scared, And I didn't know how you'd react.
Well, we'd react the same way we react When you tell us anything personal-- We make fun of you 'til it gets old, And then we move on.
I can feel the love.
It's just so strange.
So weird, I mean So when did you start liking women? I mean, you were married to Arnie.
[gasp.]
Arnie turned her gay.
Well, sleeping with Arnie would turn any woman gay.
Some women.
Well, it's just like I see it on this Oprah show, okay? Well, they had these women on there, And they says that you're born gay, You know, that it's like a chemical thing and everything.
But then right after that, I see on Donahue They had on these straight women Who had tried that for a while, But they says it's just a phase.
Well, I think I may have always been a lesbian.
I was just in denial.
I think maybe Arnie was the phase.
Think that's possible? Oh, yeah, yeah.
"lesbians in denial.
" Sally jessy.
Last Thursday.
Oh, okay.
I don't get it, Roseanne.
There had to have been some signs.
Well, Nancy always liked that Miss Hathaway On the Beverly Hillbillies.
I think that says it all.
Wow.
Imagine what it would be like Going through life without wanting or needing a man.
What do you think it's like, anyway, Two women living together? Oh, that's easy.
Hey, it's my turn to be unselfish and giving! No! You got to be unselfish and giving yesterday.
Today, you have to be supportive and nurturing.
Yeah, this could be good.
No espn.
Twice the pms.
I'm afraid i'm gonna feel weird around Nancy now.
I mean, what if she starts checking me out? Well, she probably already has.
I forgot.
Well, you said you guys went to buy swimsuits together.
[gasp.]
Oh, relax, Jackie.
She can control herself.
It's not like she's a man.
It's just so weird.
Well, you know, she's still your friend.
She just happens to be gay.
What's for lunch? And who's gay? Loose meat, and none of your business.
Oh, I probably already know anyway.
It's Dr.
Summers, your gynecologist.
My gynecologist is a lesbian? Hey, she's still your gynecologist.
She just happens to be a lesbian.
Chill.
I was just messing with your head.
So who is it? No.
Roseanne, come on.
She's gonna find out about it somehow.
Wouldn't you rather it came from her mother With a little explanation? No, not really.
Ah, I hate this.
All right, well, before I tell you, Let me ask you a question.
Uh, do you ever watch Sally Jessy? Mom, I pretty much already know about lesbians, And what I don't you'd be too embarrassed to tell me.
Yeah, right.
Well It's Nancy.
Whoa.
How'd you find out? Did she tell you? No, we saw the "i'm a big old dyke" Bumper sticker on her car.
I still don't see how we could have missed it, Roseanne.
How could we not have known that Nancy is a lesbian? Well, she doesn't look like a lesbian, you know? I mean, lesbians are big ol' truck drivers That wear flannel shirts and faded jeans.
So what do you think, mom? I picked out the linoleum myself.
Looks pretty great, huh? I'm a silent partner.
It shouldn't matter what I think.
Yeah, thanks, mom.
Oh, don't be so sensitive.
Now, I have some wonderful news.
I found a place to live in Lanford.
Don't worry.
It's nowhere near either of you.
Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, we're so happy for you, then.
You might have heard of it.
It's called harvest glen.
Isn't that a retirement place? No, they call it a senior community.
Well, you can't live there.
That's for old people.
Wait, Roseanne.
It's mom's decision.
I think we should support her in it.
Mom, you have my support.
Thank you, Jackie.
Jackie, they tie old people into chairs at places like that.
Please don't screw this up.
Harvest glen is nothing like that.
It's not a nursing home.
Lots of people my age live there, And they have all kinds of activities-- Workshops, golfing, day trips.
Sounds great.
And I assume that there's some sort of curfew.
Nobody off the grounds after, what, 5, 6? They're having an open-house tomorrow, And i'd like both of you to come along And see how nice it is.
Okay, but if I see one old person tied to anything, I'm leaving.
Bonjour.
Marla, Roseanne, Jackie, their mom Bev.
This is marla.
I just brought her in To show her my new enterprise.
Wait.
I know you.
Didn't you sell me moisturizer the other day at Rodbell's? You know, I think you're right.
That's exactly how we met.
Yeah, but Nancy got the free gift.
There was a free gift? You don't want that gift, mom.
It was only available to certain customers.
And this customer's satisfied.
Can we--can-- You want to check out the bathroom, mom? I'm sure you're gonna hate the wallpaper We put up in there.
You finished the bathroom? I wanna go see it.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Nancy is so lucky To have friends that are so supportive.
Oh, Nancy is so great.
Oh, she is great.
She's great, And she's, uh, very--really funny.
Hey, listen, you guys don't have to sell me on Nancy.
I mean, we hit it off right away.
Well, we're just glad she's happy.
Not that she was unhappy.
Or desperate.
She's, er Really very popular.
Oh, yeah, yeah, popular.
She could have her pick of-- Well, as it turns out, anybody.
Do all the units have the same carpeting? We just put it in.
We picked a nice neutral tone.
I hope you like it.
Oh, it's just fine.
I have lots of throw rugs.
I'm going to go check the laundry room.
Lint traps tell you a lot about your neighbors.
So what do you think? I love the place.
Isn't it great, Roseanne? How soon can we drop her off? What's this for? Oh, well, it's a medical alert button.
There's one in every room.
If there's an emergency, All you have to do is press it, And an ambulance will be here immediately.
Immediately, huh? Roseanne, no.
Oh, and here is something else that's kind of neat.
This is a motorized lift chair For our tenants who have a little trouble Getting up out of the seated position.
That's not too depressing.
Hey, you get your own chair.
Ah, you big baby! You know, before Bev gets back, We want you to know that this is more Than just a place for her to reside.
We want to do everything we can To take the burden off you and your sister.
You must have an awfully large staff.
No, no.
What I mean is, you see, the price of the condo Includes long-term medical attention.
You know, when it becomes necessary, Your mother will be automatically relocated Into a bed in our constant care wing.
What happens to her apartment? Oh, well, it'll go back to a pool To be resold to new residents.
Well, what if she gets better? Now, this is a long way off.
Obviously, your mom is in great shape.
No, but, I mean, I want to know What happens if she gets better.
They're not young people, Mrs.
Conner.
Wonderful laundry facility, Although it is a bit of a meet market.
Mom, you better think about this a little bit.
Nonsense, I think i'm ready to sign right now.
No, you're not, mom.
You need to think about it a little bit more.
Mom knows what she wants, Roseanne.
She does not.
Yes, I do.
I hope you're not calling mom stupid, Roseanne.
Well, what else do you call paying for a condo That they take back, And medical care that you might never use? Mom could get run over by a bus tomorrow, and they hit the jackpot! Don't say that, Roseanne.
Mom could lapse into a coma, live 40 years as a vegetable, And she cleans up.
I don't think this is up to either of you.
It's my money and my life.
Okay, well, if you want to go throwing them both away, I mean, if you're feeble-minded enough To want to take this deal, Then maybe you should be in a home.
Well, if you're narrow-minded enough to try to stop me, Maybe you ought to go home and not come back.
Fine.
[siren blares.]
Well, listen to that.
It sounds like another condo's ready to open up.
The place is perfect, Roseanne.
You know how hard it is for mom to make friends? There are hundreds of people there.
It would take her years to alienate them all.
Oh, you just want her out of your face.
Well, of course I do, But I still think it would be good for mom.
Why are you fighting her moving so hard? Well, how come you ain't fighting it at all? Because I think it's a good idea.
Oh, don't you get it, Jackie? That would be the last place mom would ever live.
That's the place we have to go get her stuff After she dies.
Why worry about it now? It's so far in the future.
We don't know that.
Gosh, she's 63.
She can only get insurance from art linklater.
Why are you so freaked out about this? Because it's just really weird to be planning mom's death.
We have been planning her death for years.
Plotting, not planning.
All right, fine.
So it's up in our face now.
You knew we'd have to deal with it sooner or later.
I know, but I just thought it would be later-- You know, way later, like when we're more mature.
We are mature Kinda.
How old do you feel? I don't know.
Most of the time thirty Well, I feel like i'm 16 With an 18-year-old married daughter, Two mortgages, and a mother going into a retirement home.
I wish I was old enough to drink.
It's not that bad, Roseanne.
I'm 40, Jackie.
This is all just going way too fast.
How long 'til i'm shuffling towards That medical alert button? I'm not gonna listen to this.
You're still young.
Hey, Darlene? Do you think of me as young? Well, that depends.
I mean, if you mean young As in vibrant and full of life, Well, I guess I do.
On the other hand, if you mean young as in open-minded, And willing to accept new ideas, Then I guess you qualify in that area also.
Best of all, I think of you as a friend and contemporary.
I must be getting old.
I walked right into that one.
Well, I guess that's it, uh, mom, Unless you want me to stick around And help unpack this stuff.
Oh, look, you went forks, knives, Serving spoons, spoons.
Different! I'm not afraid of change.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here? Well, I just thought i'd stop by and bring mom a gift.
Great.
Make me look bad.
I'm going to wal-mart.
I'll be right back.
Well, here.
I brought this for you.
Well, thank you, Roseanne.
I better put it somewhere where it won't drip.
Well, i'm surprised to see you, Considering how you feel.
Well, it's not like I can stop you or nothing.
But you know, you can still get out of this whole deal.
You know, if you want, we can just go to 'em And tell 'em that you're senile or something.
That's sweet, dear, but I don't think senility Would get you out of an old folks home.
Well, I just never want to come in here And find you acting like an old person.
You don't have to worry about that.
I don't feel like an old person.
Well, so, how old do you feel? No, I know that.
But I mean, like, on the inside, You know, how old do you feel? I'm 63.
I feel like a 63-year-old woman.
How nice having this talk with you, mom.
What do you want me to say, Roseanne? Well, I want you to say that you feel, like, You know, 16 or 24 or 35.
Anything but 63.
But what's wrong with 63? Well, it's old! I don't want you to get old.
I know, dear.
Because you're just dragging me with you, And I don't like it.
You know, dear, I don't get older Just to inconvenience you.
Yeah, I know.
I'm old.
Oh, you're not old, dear.
Well, I feel old.
Listen, why can't you just forget about all this, You know, and just go get a regular apartment? And then later on, if you need to, Well, then, you can just move in with Dan and me.
Well, me.
I appreciate the offer, dear, And I did consider it.
I just think strangers would take better care of me.
I think it'll look great over the register.
How come my head's so damn big? It's a caricature, Roseanne.
Your head is supposed to be big.
Well, nobody else's head is that big.
How come I got a great big old melon head? I mean, in real life, Nancy's head's way bigger than mine.
Hello, everyone.
[in unison.]
hi.
I just thought this would look better Here in the restaurant.
Now, I can't stay long.
The harvest glen players are doing You're a good man, Charlie Brown, And i'm up for the role of Lucy.
I bet you'll get it, 'cause they probably have, what, Six understudies for every part, You know, in case snoopy breaks his hip.
We'll keep our fingers crossed, bev.
Good luck.
Bon soir, ladies.
[Roseanne.]
ciao.
That Nancy's a lovely girl, But if she doesn't stop Spending all her time with Marla, She's never gonna find a man.
Mom-- Roseanne, ixnay on the esbianlay.
Well, she's gonna find out sooner or later.
[sigh.]
Okay, i'm just gonna come out and tell you this.
All right? Okay.
Marla and Nancy are lesbians.
Of course they are.
Any fool could see that.
So now I guess i'm supposed to walk up and say, "oh, hello, you nice lesbians" Or something equally embarrassing, And then everyone gets a good laugh At the expense of the stupid old lady.
Sure, they're lesbians.
I'm a lesbian.
You're a lesbian.
We're all lesbians.
I'm not falling for it, Roseanne.
I'm not that old.
May I have another? Hey, guys.
[Roseanne.]
hey.
Hey, I think I found The perfect creamer for the restaurant.
[moo.]
What do you think? I think in the wrong hands, Petty cash can be a dangerous thing.
No one appreciates my pain.
Which is why you should not be alone all the time.
No, Roseanne.
What, you don't even know what i'm gonna say.
You're gonna fix me up With another one of Dan's friends.
That just shows you how wrong you are.
I was gonna say something totally different.
What? Well, now I forget.
The only thing I can think about Is this one friend of dan's That'd be really perfect for you.
I'm not looking.
Can we just drop it? Come on, Nancy, just 'cause you haven't met anybody lately Doesn't mean you should just give up.
Yeah, besides, this friend of Dan's, I think he is doing really, really well, okay? 'cause he just blew a ton of money on these hair plugs.
Sounds like a dream, Roseanne.
Think i'll take a pass.
No, you won't, because I told him You were gonna call him this morning, And I just know you guys are really-- No.
I'm already seeing someone.
Oh.
Well, thank god, because this bald guy's a real loser.
So, come on, tell us about the guy.
What's his name? We're just gonna bug you 'til you do.
No, it's too soon.
It's too soon.
Come on! Tell us, tell us! You big baby.
All right.
Her name is Marla.
I'm seeing a woman.
What? No, you aren't.
I'm serious.
I'm gay.
Ah, you're just screwing with us, right? No.
So what do you think? Well, it's really surprising.
I mean, when did this happen? Wait a minute.
You and I used to go out looking for guys all the time.
We went to all those singles' dances together.
Singles' dances? I thought we were dating.
Joke.
Joke.
Just kidding.
But--well, I don't get it.
Where'd you meet her? At the cosmetic counter at Rodbell's.
She does makeovers.
Well, she's certainly thorough.
So Did you do it? Oh, Roseanne.
You don't just ask that right away.
For god's sakes.
Why didn't you tell us about it before? I don't know.
I was scared, And I didn't know how you'd react.
Well, we'd react the same way we react When you tell us anything personal-- We make fun of you 'til it gets old, And then we move on.
I can feel the love.
It's just so strange.
So weird, I mean So when did you start liking women? I mean, you were married to Arnie.
[gasp.]
Arnie turned her gay.
Well, sleeping with Arnie would turn any woman gay.
Some women.
Well, it's just like I see it on this Oprah show, okay? Well, they had these women on there, And they says that you're born gay, You know, that it's like a chemical thing and everything.
But then right after that, I see on Donahue They had on these straight women Who had tried that for a while, But they says it's just a phase.
Well, I think I may have always been a lesbian.
I was just in denial.
I think maybe Arnie was the phase.
Think that's possible? Oh, yeah, yeah.
"lesbians in denial.
" Sally jessy.
Last Thursday.
Oh, okay.
I don't get it, Roseanne.
There had to have been some signs.
Well, Nancy always liked that Miss Hathaway On the Beverly Hillbillies.
I think that says it all.
Wow.
Imagine what it would be like Going through life without wanting or needing a man.
What do you think it's like, anyway, Two women living together? Oh, that's easy.
Hey, it's my turn to be unselfish and giving! No! You got to be unselfish and giving yesterday.
Today, you have to be supportive and nurturing.
Yeah, this could be good.
No espn.
Twice the pms.
I'm afraid i'm gonna feel weird around Nancy now.
I mean, what if she starts checking me out? Well, she probably already has.
I forgot.
Well, you said you guys went to buy swimsuits together.
[gasp.]
Oh, relax, Jackie.
She can control herself.
It's not like she's a man.
It's just so weird.
Well, you know, she's still your friend.
She just happens to be gay.
What's for lunch? And who's gay? Loose meat, and none of your business.
Oh, I probably already know anyway.
It's Dr.
Summers, your gynecologist.
My gynecologist is a lesbian? Hey, she's still your gynecologist.
She just happens to be a lesbian.
Chill.
I was just messing with your head.
So who is it? No.
Roseanne, come on.
She's gonna find out about it somehow.
Wouldn't you rather it came from her mother With a little explanation? No, not really.
Ah, I hate this.
All right, well, before I tell you, Let me ask you a question.
Uh, do you ever watch Sally Jessy? Mom, I pretty much already know about lesbians, And what I don't you'd be too embarrassed to tell me.
Yeah, right.
Well It's Nancy.
Whoa.
How'd you find out? Did she tell you? No, we saw the "i'm a big old dyke" Bumper sticker on her car.
I still don't see how we could have missed it, Roseanne.
How could we not have known that Nancy is a lesbian? Well, she doesn't look like a lesbian, you know? I mean, lesbians are big ol' truck drivers That wear flannel shirts and faded jeans.
So what do you think, mom? I picked out the linoleum myself.
Looks pretty great, huh? I'm a silent partner.
It shouldn't matter what I think.
Yeah, thanks, mom.
Oh, don't be so sensitive.
Now, I have some wonderful news.
I found a place to live in Lanford.
Don't worry.
It's nowhere near either of you.
Well, why didn't you say so? Oh, we're so happy for you, then.
You might have heard of it.
It's called harvest glen.
Isn't that a retirement place? No, they call it a senior community.
Well, you can't live there.
That's for old people.
Wait, Roseanne.
It's mom's decision.
I think we should support her in it.
Mom, you have my support.
Thank you, Jackie.
Jackie, they tie old people into chairs at places like that.
Please don't screw this up.
Harvest glen is nothing like that.
It's not a nursing home.
Lots of people my age live there, And they have all kinds of activities-- Workshops, golfing, day trips.
Sounds great.
And I assume that there's some sort of curfew.
Nobody off the grounds after, what, 5, 6? They're having an open-house tomorrow, And i'd like both of you to come along And see how nice it is.
Okay, but if I see one old person tied to anything, I'm leaving.
Bonjour.
Marla, Roseanne, Jackie, their mom Bev.
This is marla.
I just brought her in To show her my new enterprise.
Wait.
I know you.
Didn't you sell me moisturizer the other day at Rodbell's? You know, I think you're right.
That's exactly how we met.
Yeah, but Nancy got the free gift.
There was a free gift? You don't want that gift, mom.
It was only available to certain customers.
And this customer's satisfied.
Can we--can-- You want to check out the bathroom, mom? I'm sure you're gonna hate the wallpaper We put up in there.
You finished the bathroom? I wanna go see it.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Nancy is so lucky To have friends that are so supportive.
Oh, Nancy is so great.
Oh, she is great.
She's great, And she's, uh, very--really funny.
Hey, listen, you guys don't have to sell me on Nancy.
I mean, we hit it off right away.
Well, we're just glad she's happy.
Not that she was unhappy.
Or desperate.
She's, er Really very popular.
Oh, yeah, yeah, popular.
She could have her pick of-- Well, as it turns out, anybody.
Do all the units have the same carpeting? We just put it in.
We picked a nice neutral tone.
I hope you like it.
Oh, it's just fine.
I have lots of throw rugs.
I'm going to go check the laundry room.
Lint traps tell you a lot about your neighbors.
So what do you think? I love the place.
Isn't it great, Roseanne? How soon can we drop her off? What's this for? Oh, well, it's a medical alert button.
There's one in every room.
If there's an emergency, All you have to do is press it, And an ambulance will be here immediately.
Immediately, huh? Roseanne, no.
Oh, and here is something else that's kind of neat.
This is a motorized lift chair For our tenants who have a little trouble Getting up out of the seated position.
That's not too depressing.
Hey, you get your own chair.
Ah, you big baby! You know, before Bev gets back, We want you to know that this is more Than just a place for her to reside.
We want to do everything we can To take the burden off you and your sister.
You must have an awfully large staff.
No, no.
What I mean is, you see, the price of the condo Includes long-term medical attention.
You know, when it becomes necessary, Your mother will be automatically relocated Into a bed in our constant care wing.
What happens to her apartment? Oh, well, it'll go back to a pool To be resold to new residents.
Well, what if she gets better? Now, this is a long way off.
Obviously, your mom is in great shape.
No, but, I mean, I want to know What happens if she gets better.
They're not young people, Mrs.
Conner.
Wonderful laundry facility, Although it is a bit of a meet market.
Mom, you better think about this a little bit.
Nonsense, I think i'm ready to sign right now.
No, you're not, mom.
You need to think about it a little bit more.
Mom knows what she wants, Roseanne.
She does not.
Yes, I do.
I hope you're not calling mom stupid, Roseanne.
Well, what else do you call paying for a condo That they take back, And medical care that you might never use? Mom could get run over by a bus tomorrow, and they hit the jackpot! Don't say that, Roseanne.
Mom could lapse into a coma, live 40 years as a vegetable, And she cleans up.
I don't think this is up to either of you.
It's my money and my life.
Okay, well, if you want to go throwing them both away, I mean, if you're feeble-minded enough To want to take this deal, Then maybe you should be in a home.
Well, if you're narrow-minded enough to try to stop me, Maybe you ought to go home and not come back.
Fine.
[siren blares.]
Well, listen to that.
It sounds like another condo's ready to open up.
The place is perfect, Roseanne.
You know how hard it is for mom to make friends? There are hundreds of people there.
It would take her years to alienate them all.
Oh, you just want her out of your face.
Well, of course I do, But I still think it would be good for mom.
Why are you fighting her moving so hard? Well, how come you ain't fighting it at all? Because I think it's a good idea.
Oh, don't you get it, Jackie? That would be the last place mom would ever live.
That's the place we have to go get her stuff After she dies.
Why worry about it now? It's so far in the future.
We don't know that.
Gosh, she's 63.
She can only get insurance from art linklater.
Why are you so freaked out about this? Because it's just really weird to be planning mom's death.
We have been planning her death for years.
Plotting, not planning.
All right, fine.
So it's up in our face now.
You knew we'd have to deal with it sooner or later.
I know, but I just thought it would be later-- You know, way later, like when we're more mature.
We are mature Kinda.
How old do you feel? I don't know.
Most of the time thirty Well, I feel like i'm 16 With an 18-year-old married daughter, Two mortgages, and a mother going into a retirement home.
I wish I was old enough to drink.
It's not that bad, Roseanne.
I'm 40, Jackie.
This is all just going way too fast.
How long 'til i'm shuffling towards That medical alert button? I'm not gonna listen to this.
You're still young.
Hey, Darlene? Do you think of me as young? Well, that depends.
I mean, if you mean young As in vibrant and full of life, Well, I guess I do.
On the other hand, if you mean young as in open-minded, And willing to accept new ideas, Then I guess you qualify in that area also.
Best of all, I think of you as a friend and contemporary.
I must be getting old.
I walked right into that one.
Well, I guess that's it, uh, mom, Unless you want me to stick around And help unpack this stuff.
Oh, look, you went forks, knives, Serving spoons, spoons.
Different! I'm not afraid of change.
Hey.
Hey, what are you doing here? Well, I just thought i'd stop by and bring mom a gift.
Great.
Make me look bad.
I'm going to wal-mart.
I'll be right back.
Well, here.
I brought this for you.
Well, thank you, Roseanne.
I better put it somewhere where it won't drip.
Well, i'm surprised to see you, Considering how you feel.
Well, it's not like I can stop you or nothing.
But you know, you can still get out of this whole deal.
You know, if you want, we can just go to 'em And tell 'em that you're senile or something.
That's sweet, dear, but I don't think senility Would get you out of an old folks home.
Well, I just never want to come in here And find you acting like an old person.
You don't have to worry about that.
I don't feel like an old person.
Well, so, how old do you feel? No, I know that.
But I mean, like, on the inside, You know, how old do you feel? I'm 63.
I feel like a 63-year-old woman.
How nice having this talk with you, mom.
What do you want me to say, Roseanne? Well, I want you to say that you feel, like, You know, 16 or 24 or 35.
Anything but 63.
But what's wrong with 63? Well, it's old! I don't want you to get old.
I know, dear.
Because you're just dragging me with you, And I don't like it.
You know, dear, I don't get older Just to inconvenience you.
Yeah, I know.
I'm old.
Oh, you're not old, dear.
Well, I feel old.
Listen, why can't you just forget about all this, You know, and just go get a regular apartment? And then later on, if you need to, Well, then, you can just move in with Dan and me.
Well, me.
I appreciate the offer, dear, And I did consider it.
I just think strangers would take better care of me.
I think it'll look great over the register.
How come my head's so damn big? It's a caricature, Roseanne.
Your head is supposed to be big.
Well, nobody else's head is that big.
How come I got a great big old melon head? I mean, in real life, Nancy's head's way bigger than mine.
Hello, everyone.
[in unison.]
hi.
I just thought this would look better Here in the restaurant.
Now, I can't stay long.
The harvest glen players are doing You're a good man, Charlie Brown, And i'm up for the role of Lucy.
I bet you'll get it, 'cause they probably have, what, Six understudies for every part, You know, in case snoopy breaks his hip.
We'll keep our fingers crossed, bev.
Good luck.
Bon soir, ladies.
[Roseanne.]
ciao.
That Nancy's a lovely girl, But if she doesn't stop Spending all her time with Marla, She's never gonna find a man.
Mom-- Roseanne, ixnay on the esbianlay.
Well, she's gonna find out sooner or later.
[sigh.]
Okay, i'm just gonna come out and tell you this.
All right? Okay.
Marla and Nancy are lesbians.
Of course they are.
Any fool could see that.
So now I guess i'm supposed to walk up and say, "oh, hello, you nice lesbians" Or something equally embarrassing, And then everyone gets a good laugh At the expense of the stupid old lady.
Sure, they're lesbians.
I'm a lesbian.
You're a lesbian.
We're all lesbians.
I'm not falling for it, Roseanne.
I'm not that old.