Rules of Engagement s05e08 Episode Script

Ah.
Timmy, what are you doing in my office? Oh, I just dropped a little gift on your desk, sir.
Aw, you're like the fourth assistant to do that.
And you wrapped it? Well, there's a new twist.
Sir, while the thought had crossed my mind, this gift was in fact sent by your mother.
Oh, it was? Oh, she's coming to town.
Yay.
I was surprised that you had a mother.
I didn't imagine you coming from human flesh.
Yeah, well she's more plastic than flesh now.
A book, that sucks.
Ah, a paintball gun.
Yeah, boy! I like this one.
I just need something to shoot.
Ooh, put this on your head.
Sir, just how stupid do you think I am? What's up, guys? Mr.
Rhodes, would you please place this on your head? Can do.
He totally missed the book.
All right, babe, have fun.
Jen says hey from Philadelphia.
Ah, she gets cell phone reception in the eagles' locker room? Funny.
Yeah, she's visiting college friends.
Jen went to college in the eagles' locker room? Another good one.
Heh, heh.
So are you guys ready for my big guys' night? Uh, sorry, other plans.
Yeah, same here.
No, but I've got three dips.
And one's got seven layers.
That's like ten dips.
Look, I don't know how to say this, but your guys' night's gonna blow.
You did know how to say it.
- Okay you know what, you guys are dis-invited, - I don't need you.
- Whoa.
Who are you gonna have? Who? Who am I not gonna have.
My place is gonna be wall-to-wall dudes, and you two are gonna miss it.
All right, so what do you think? You look like Barney with boobs.
We're interviewing possible surrogate candidates today.
And we're gonna find one.
We're gonna finally get this whole deal started.
Yup, by the end of the day, we may know who's gonna carry our child.
Oh, and there's more big news.
My softball banquet is tonight.
Right, which is equally important.
The MVP vote is tonight.
It's between me and Brenda.
Brenda.
How can a girl be that good at softball? She's a lesbian.
When we're interviewing the surrogates, could you please try to think before you talk? Fine.
But all I know is, at that banquet tonight, that lesbian is going down.
Oh, yo, yo.
Timmy-limmy-ding-dong! Did you get my message about guys' night? A little pizza, booze, staying up till question mark.
Sounds like a rowdy good time.
- Right on.
- Ah.
Although I am taking antibiotics so I shant drink, and I really do have an early morning, so I should turn in by 10:00.
All right.
Question mark equals 10:00.
Hello.
Hello, you must be Mrs.
Dunbar, so pleased This is Bunny Dunbar.
I would like to make an appointment at your salon for later today.
Hi, mom.
I'm glad you could Which services? All of them, of course.
Everything you've got, just do, do, do it to me.
Oh, great.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
- Rusty.
- Mommy.
Don't touch.
And you must be, um, Russ' Sherpa? - My name is Timir.
- Oh.
But please do call me Timmy.
It's a real pleasure to meet you, Mrs.
Dunbar.
- Oh, please, Mrs.
Dunbar is my ex-mother-in-law who, incidentally, I wish was dead.
- My grandma.
- Call me Bunny.
All right.
Bunny.
Oh, I just love your accent.
Is it British with, like, a touch of south African? Am I right? No, mom, actually Timmy's Yes, you're exactly right.
Huh, you learn something new every day.
Yes.
Every day for the last two years.
Anyway, mom, so maybe today, lunch? A movie? Mother-son portrait sitting? Honey, I'm so sorry, but I'm booked up for the rest of the day, and then tomorrow I'm flying to London.
But I am guessing that you had a birthday this year.
I knew it.
So I just popped by to give you this.
Ooh la la! Wonder what it is.
Sounds wildly expensive.
Well, yeah, but you deserve it.
Based on? Rusty, your little friend is so charming.
I'd love him to join us for dinner tonight.
I would be absolutely honored.
Oh, splendid.
And now I have to go.
I have to have a young Brazilian man tend to my every need.
And then I'm going to the spa.
I'm laughing because it's uncomfortable.
Ciao, boys.
Ciao.
And Vince cut the cord, and the doctor handed the baby to Teresa, and even though I was only the surrogate, I burst into tears.
Oh, that sounds so perfect and wonderful.
Yeah, it's all real solid.
And if this works out, I'll be getting into the city more, so I can catch some Yankees games.
You're a Yankees fan.
Uh, Jeff's a mets fan.
But what baseball team anyone likes should have no bearing on what we're doing here.
Of course not.
What difference should it make that your team just buys the pennant every year.
Jeff.
The Yankees develop a ton of their own talent.
Jeter, Posada, Rivera.
All home grown.
Uh, you're smoking some home grown.
You're done talking.
So, uh, should we call the agency, or Maybe October's a good time, since Jeff won't have any baseball to watch.
This isn't gonna work.
Sorry, he blew it.
Same way the mets always do.
We'll see next year.
We'll see.
She's not wrong.
Until the mets get another bat and some middle relief They're not going anywhere.
What was your mother's belated birthday gift, sir? A money clip.
I won't say how much she gave me, but every bill has a picture of president Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin was not president.
Heh heh, not of your country.
Because you had the starving dude with the glasses and the diaper.
Gandhi certainly had that coming.
Well, I shouldn't flaunt my gifts.
I mean, you had it tough growing up.
What was your Christmas present? You get to ride the goat before everyone ate it? We didn't celebrate Christmas, sir.
You didn't even get to ride the goat.
All you got for your birthday was a phone call from your mom in India.
What phone call? Oh, your mom called a couple of months ago.
I think you were getting me a bagel or something.
Why on earth didn't you say something? I know I didn't, but I will now.
Watch the personal calls at work.
Sir, my mother gave me the greatest gifts of all.
Love, support, and quality time.
Yeah, poor people presents.
Sir, all this stuff your mother gives you is merely a sad replacement for any of those things.
It's not all stuff.
He said, fondling his wad of 100s.
How about she's taking me to dinner tonight.
How about that "quality time" for ya? Very well.
If you do decide to give it a thought, perhaps you'll realize there's some truth to what I'm saying, sir.
Give it some thought.
Ugh.
It was so nice to meet you, and I am so glad you don't care about baseball.
All righty then.
Well, I guess we'll be talking soon.
- Yeah.
- I hope so.
I guess if this works out, we'll have to shift our time table.
Why? Well, we'll have to wait for you - to give birth to that one.
- Oh, my God.
I guess she had somewhere to go, but I like our chances.
Mr.
Rhodes, your pizza arrived.
Ah.
Sweet.
I'm having a big guys' night.
Oh, got friends coming over? Well, a lot of solid maybes.
You want in? I'm working.
Hence the outfit.
Hey, come up when your shift is over.
Let's call that another solid maybe.
But we're gonna be crushing it on the late tip.
I don't know what that means.
Frank? The elevator seems to have stopped.
Frankie! So how is everyone's food? Oh, were it legal for a man to marry a plate of paella, I would take this to city hall post haste.
Marrying food must be legal.
Rusty's father is married to a tart.
Okay, I think she's referring to my stepmom, Cammy, who is several years my junior.
Who, unlike some people, called me on my birthday.
Darling, you know that your birthday is very hard for me.
It reminds me that time does not stand still, even though the muscles of my face do.
Mommy's very upset right now.
My goodness, I would not want to play poker against you.
Oh, no, sorry.
Have I offended you? Not at all.
I'm laughing.
Rusty, I know this is hard for you, but in my own defense, I've always missed your birthday.
Well, that's true.
But I think the hurt has finally caught up to me now that I'm 35.
Well, he is 35.
I mean, I had him when I was 17, and now I'm 52.
Yes, well, I guess that makes me seven.
Well, rusty, I'm here now, and I know what to do to make it up to you.
- You do? - Yes.
Here.
Oh, another gift.
I thought it might be something a little more Well, it was very expensive.
Wait until you see it.
Ah, a very expensive watch.
Yes.
And I had three links removed so it would fit my rusty's wrist perfectly.
It's five links, mom.
It's always been five links.
How can you not know that? It doesn't hug my wrist, and it does not hug my heart! Rusty, stop! Where are you going? Oh, no.
I left my phone at home, and Abby's supposed to call tonight.
Abby? Yeah, our last surrogate candidate.
Right, right.
Don't worry about it.
She's got my number When she gets your voice mail, she'll call me.
All right, okay.
I'm counting on you.
- Hey, Audrey.
- Oh, hey, Brenda.
I see you let Jeff out of his cage tonight.
What's up, you big gorilla? Nothing much, carrot top.
Look who has a light beer.
Why don't you grow a pair? Oh, well, I could borrow yours, except they're in Audrey's purse.
And you know, for your information, the reason I am drinking a light beer is because I don't want to end up with a body like yours.
Um, the last chick you dated had a body exactly like mine.
- Uh-uh, she was only rocking "b" cups.
Wow, I didn't think it was possible, but you two are actually classing this place down.
Um I gotta go make sure that Sully has the correct spelling of my name for the trophy.
Oh, okay.
Well, it's probably written in your underwear, right? I get why you went the other way.
Yeah, and Jeff's always there to remind me of what I'm not missing.
Tell me about it.
We have been trying to find a surrogate, and he is dragging his feet the whole way.
- Why? - I don't know.
There's gotta be something going on with him.
Hey, um, just out of curiosity, what is the process for joining up with your side? Oh, God.
We would love to have you.
Plus, I could really use the commission.
How's it going out there? Hector the repairman's on his way.
Right on.
Yeah, the more the merrier.
Are you implying that this is your guys' night, and you're counting the repairman and me as attendees? Is that all right? Yeah, that's all right.
Also pretty sad.
Hey! Hola, Hector.
Oh, there he is.
That guy, he's the guy.
Cold one coming your way, Hector.
Oh No worries, man.
Let's try it again.
Heads up, Hector.
Guys, we're out of beer.
And another one for Brenda.
Boo.
Abby hasn't called yet.
Let me see your phone.
Jeff, you missed six calls.
Oh, damn it.
I was about to take it off silent.
Perfect.
And voice mail.
I swear, I'm going to punch you in the neck! Hi, Abby, it's Audrey.
Listen, if you haven't left town yet, could you please call Jeff's phone again? Thank you.
I'm sorry.
And one more for Brenda.
Well, looks like the vote is a tie.
A tie? Yeah, that's what's important here, that stupid softball trophy.
- Hey, Audrey played in a game.
- Yeah, she should get a vote.
Okay, Audrey, we need you to decide who wins.
Congratulations.
No.
No, I haven't decided yet.
I know how much this trophy means to Jeff.
Recently he's been thoughtless and selfish, and I can barely look at him right now.
But being the bigger person, I vote for Jeff.
Yeah! Yes! Yeah, look at this baby! I love it! Come in.
Rusty? Hey, mom.
What'd you bring me this time? Oh, rusty, I'm really sorry that I haven't been there for you in the way that you wanted me to be.
Timmy and I have had a good long talk about it.
- Timmy? - Yes, sir.
You're mother insisted I enlighten her as to why you're so upset.
Yeah.
Some of it has hit me pretty hard.
Well, somebody had to start the dialogue to let the healing begin.
That was me.
I did that.
Timmy has made me realize that I haven't been much of a mother to you.
Well, I barely saw you after you won the custody battle and I had to stay with dad.
I know I can't change the past.
But I'm finally going to give you the gift that I should have given you a long time ago.
A pony? Is there a pony in the hallway? No.
No, I am going to give you the gift of self-reliance and independence.
No more trust fund.
Wait, that's not what I suggested.
That's not what I suggested.
No more free apartment.
No more my business manager paying all the bills.
You're finally going to become a real man.
With a pony? It's time to grow up, rusty.
I don't want to.
It's for the best.
I love you, son.
And let's have breakfast together tomorrow before I leave.
I'd like that.
Bye.
Hmm.
Just not in the face, sir.
Ow Nor the genitals.
Jeff, Sully just threw up on my sandal.
I'm going to go try to rinse it off, - and then I'd like to leave.
- Yeah, but then you're going I'm okay missing the slide show.
You can watch it online later.
I'm not gonna watch it online later.
And they let you people get married, and not me.
Audrey, I'm sorry I've been such a jackass.
This whole surrogate thing has just got me crazy.
Yeah, why is it taking so long? From my point of view, the problem is Jeff exists.
I guess the idea of a stranger being such a big part of our lives just seems weird to me.
I don't let a stranger park my car.
Yeah, 'cause then you'd have to tip them.
I make a salary.
And we've been burned before.
And whoever you end up choosing, you don't really know 'em It's rough.
Yes, I know.
It's rough.
But it's where we are.
I'll do it.
What? What are you saying? I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate, you know, if you want.
Are you serious? Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm serious.
Put your baby in me.
Wait So this is real? You would actually do this for us? Yeah.
Audrey, I really like you.
And, Jeff, you'reMarried to her.
We accept.
Great.
I would kiss you, but I wouldn't want to make you all hot and confused.
Yeah, we probably shouldn't risk it.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.
- This is amazing.
- I like where this is headed.
You realize you're signing on for about a year of this.
Adam? Jeff.
You made it, big dog! Yeah, we're out of beer.
Uh, the other guys left.
But we could get our rally on, huh? No, Jeff, come back here.
Look, I'm very hungry.
Help me, please!