The Golden Girls (1985) s05e08 Episode Script

Thank you for being a friend Traveled down the road and back again Your heart is true You're a pal and a confidante And if you threw a party Invited everyone you knew You would see the biggest gift would be from me And the card attached would say "Thank you for being a friend" Oh, girls, I'm so sorry to be late.
I ran out of gas on the way home.
It was just horrible.
Nobody would stop to help me.
This could never have happened in the Old South.
What has become of chivalry, when men used to open doors for you, pull out your chair, tip their hat, kiss your hand, help you down out of your carriage, leave calling cards on little silver salvers? So how far back do you want to go? Do you still want to be able to vote? I cannot believe I ran out of gas.
I checked my tank yesterday.
It was half full.
Maybe the gauge is broken.
It's all those foreign cars.
They're unreliable.
Ma, Blanche drives a Buick.
So? I'm from Sicily.
To me a Buick is a foreign car.
Oh, but I haven't told you my wonderful news.
My mother-in-law died.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, I'm not.
I loathed Mama Devereaux, and the feeling was entirely mutual.
Till the day George died, she always introduced me as his first wife.
I just hope the old witch went slowly.
I sense the period of mourning is over.
Oh! I didn't tell you my really good news.
Better than the dead mother-in-law? Yes.
George's younger brother Jamie is flying in tomorrow from Charleston to help settle my part of the estate.
You and Jamie were close? We were classmates in high school.
I thought he was cute, but I could never date someone from my own class.
Well, I'd been dating seniors since I was 12.
I had my reputation to consider.
Shut up, Ma.
After George and I were married, I began to realize that Jamie had this yen for me.
Poor boy.
Trapped in a seething cauldron of forbidden passion for his gorgeous sister-in-law.
There were nights when he actually bayed at the moon.
But he finally realized that I was totally committed to George, so he threw himself into a marriage that was doomed to failure.
After 20 years they realized they had nothing in common.
I can't wait for him to get here and see how good I look.
You know, Blanche, Jamie may not see this as a happy reunion.
I mean, after all, he just lost his mother.
And I just ran out of gas, but life goes on.
In my village in Sicily we had a custom.
If your mother-in-law died, you were forced to wear a hair shirt, eat dirt and pound your head on a rock.
Anything to keep you from laughing.
I just don't believe I'm about to see Jamie again.
Last time I saw him was at George's funeral.
'Course, I didn't look all that good.
Red is such a bad color on me.
You wore red to George's funeral? George liked red.
I thought I looked terrible, but the pictures came out fine.
(doorbell rings) Oh, that must be him.
How do I look, girls? Nervous.
I am nervous.
My heart's just pounding away.
Just take a deep breath.
I always take a deep breath before I greet a man.
It thrusts my breasts forward.
Blanche! Honey, you always did look pretty when you held your breath.
Jamie! Why do you look so stricken? It can't be because Mother's dead.
You two could never stand the sight of each other.
I had forgotten how much you look like George, how much you sound like him.
I can't help it.
I'm his brother.
Aren't you gonna introduce me? To who? Oh! Where are my manners? Jamie, these are my friends Dorothy and Rose.
Ladies, in her all-too-infrequent letters, Blanche has spoken of you in glowing terms.
I feel real lucky to get the chance to know you personally.
Why, thank you, kind sir.
You'll have to excuse Rose.
Every time a man speaks Southern at her, she goes all stupid.
Oh, Jamie, it's so good to see you again.
Well, I'm glad to see you too, even if it is only for the weekend.
The business with the will shouldn't take long.
I shouldn't think so.
I'd hardly expect Mama Devereaux to leave me the family silver.
As her executor, I had to go over her will with her - the list of beneficiaries - and, well, she was pretty far gone by then, but when we got to your name, she kept repeating in this weak little voice, "I want her to have it.
I want her to have it.
" Well, I am surprised.
She was talking about her disease.
Well, I've got to get back to the hotel.
Blanche has consented to have lunch with me.
Would you ladies care to join us? Oh, no, that's all right.
You two probably have a great deal to talk over.
It was a pleasure to meet you.
See y'all later.
It was our pleasure, Jamie.
See y'all.
Blanche, I love the girls, but they don't seem as old as you said.
It's the lighting.
What a charming man.
And so handsome.
As they say in St.
Olaf, va-va-va voom! Is that where that comes from? I better be on my way.
It's my day to get groceries.
God, I hate going to the supermarket.
Rose, if you'd stop playing express-line detective, people would stop yelling at you.
Oh, I see.
So when you're standing in line reading TV Guide and you toss it on top of your ten items, I should look the other way.
I think not, Dorothy.
Dorothy, my car is gone.
What? My car.
It's been stolen.
Oh, come on, Rose.
Slow down.
You probably just forgot where you parked it.
I'm telling you, it's been stolen.
I'm gonna call the cops.
Hold it.
Rose, don't call the police.
How come? Because they told you never to call again.
Call the neighborhood patrol.
If it actually was stolen, one of their cars will probably spot it.
The phone book is missing.
The car's missing, the phone book is missing.
If you had a car phone, this would all come together.
Dorothy, you might show a little compassion.
Catch me on a day when the story's about me.
What's with Rose? Rose thinks her car's been stolen.
No, it hasn't.
It's parked right outside.
Ma's right.
Well, it wasn't there a minute ago, I swear it.
How can it be gone one minute and back the next? I think I know.
Ma, why are you carrying that phone book? I can carry a book.
It's a free country.
Even the Statue of Liberty carries a book.
You were driving again.
Who says? This phone book is still warm.
You were sitting on it so you could see over the steering wheel.
You know me - safety first.
You stole my car? Only for a couple of hours.
If I had asked, would you have said yes? No.
There you go.
That is why Blanche ran out of gas.
You'd been driving her car, hadn't you? Do you know how embarrassing it is to drive a car with a bumper sticker that says: "So many men, so little time"? But Ma, you don't have a license.
I have a license.
It expired years ago.
I went down and had it renewed.
Look, I absolutely forbid you to do this.
Why? Because you drive like Mr.
Magoo.
I don't understand why suddenly, out of the blue, you decided to start driving again.
I had a blind date.
Actually, he's just legally blind.
It's Mr.
Panioli.
He's good-looking, a lot of laughs and he can't see his own hand in front of his face.
He's happy just as long as I brush my teeth.
Sophia, if you needed a ride, we'd be happy to give you lifts.
You want to make me happy? Get rid of the Bobby Vinton tapes.
I have enough trouble staying awake at the wheel.
Listen, Ma, I didn't want to say this, but I'm going to.
Your eyesight is not what it used to be, and neither are your reflexes, and I want you to make me a promise.
If ever you want to drive, you come to me, let me know, and I'll go with you.
Do you promise? Promise? Why don't you ask me to sign it in blood? What happened to trust? You don't want me to drive a car, fine, but don't ask me to promise.
Don't humiliate me.
Leave me with what little dignity I have left.
Ma, I'm sorry.
Of course I trust you.
What a pigeon.
Oh, my God.
If they want to make spies talk, they should force them to grade junior-high English essays.
Kids today can't write the English language.
"The characters in The Grapes of Wrath are so real that it's interesting.
" Weren't they? Afternoon, all.
How was your lunch with Jamie? It was magical.
We talked for hours all about George - how George loved me, how George could never take his eyes off me, how George used to save his money so he could buy presents good enough for me.
Oh, it felt so good talking about George.
It almost seemed to bring him back to life, and it made me realize why, from the time I laid eyes on him till the day he died, there was never, never another man in my life.
Blanche, you? You were never tempted? Never.
Didn't you have your milk delivered? The uncanny thing is how much like George Jamie is, and it's not just that he looks and talks like him.
He's gentle like George, and he's thoughtful like George.
He's smart and funny like George.
Sometimes I get this eerie feeling that George has walked right back into my life.
Oh, Rose, Dorothy, I'm falling in love.
Novelty night.
What's more, my female instincts tell me that Jamie feels the same way about me.
Oh, it wouldn't surprise me if one day soon Mrs.
Blanche Devereaux were to become Mrs.
Blanche Devereaux.
I'll alert the mailman.
Don't you think it's crazy that Blanche is actually gonna marry Jamie? Why? They practically grew up together.
Rose, they've known each other most of their lives so it's very comfortable.
He's like an old friend.
But he's her late husband's brother.
I remember back in St.
Olaf when Inga Engstran married her late husband's brother Lars, and the whole town was shocked.
That could've been because at the time Inga was on trial for her late husband's dismemberment.
It was probably a factor.
The trial went on for months.
Attorney's fees cost her an arm and a leg.
Rose, get to where they steal the brain out of the dead body and sew it into your head.
So anyway, she got a suspended sentence.
They let her go? No, they hanged her.
I'm going to sleep.
I don't know how long I've got, but I deserve better company in my final years.
Good night, Ma.
Now, you know, Rose, I think Blanche has the right idea marrying someone she knows.
It makes it a lot easier, sharing a history together.
It helps knowing each other's idiosyncrasies.
I don't think Stan and I would have gotten together had I known that his entire family smells their fingers all day after they eat chicken.
Well, I still think Blanche is making a terrible mistake.
And what mistake might that be, pray? Trusting that her friends won't badmouth her behind her back? Oh, honey, that's not it.
We're a family.
And when a close member of the family thinks that she might move out, well, even though we might be happy for her, it's a little upsetting.
Well, if you're worried about the house, don't be.
Even if I move to Charleston, I'll make arrangements for you-all to stay here as long as you like.
Blanche, that's so sweet of you.
Oh, Blanche, that's not what concerns us.
It's not? We're concerned about losing you.
Oh, right.
I don't want to lose you either.
Wait a minute.
I have a wonderful idea.
Why don't you all come to Charleston and live with me? No, we couldn't do that.
Of course you can.
It's all settled.
I don't want to hear another word.
Why, you know, it's an old Southern tradition for the beautiful married daughter to take in her pathetic spinster sisters.
Well, when she puts it that way, it's so hard to resist.
Finished.
I have graded the last paper.
D minus? You're gonna give the poor kid a D minus? That's because substitute teachers aren't authorized to impose the death penalty.
Well, since Blanche is having dinner with Jamie, we have a very important decision to make.
How about pizza? Sounds great.
Should we go healthy and get whole-wheat crusts and low-fat cheese? Why don't we go really high-fiber and spread ketchup on cardboard? Pizza, dammit! Get pizza.
That's funny.
The phone book is missing again.
Wait a minute.
Where's Ma? Is my car gone? Hey, your car is fine.
My car is gone.
(phone rings) Yes? Yes, she does.
It's the police.
There's been an accident.
You promised me you wouldn't drive alone.
Ma, I can't believe you lied to me.
I've been lying to you all your life.
Did you ever get that yellow pony I promised you when you were six? You're not taking this accident very seriously.
No one was hurt.
It was the other guy's fault.
I have a witness.
Your witness is Mr.
Panioli.
He's legally blind.
He'll say what I tell him.
What's the big deal? Ma, you should not be driving.
You want to take away my license? And your telephone book.
It's for your own good, Ma.
You're ruining my life.
One of us could drive you anywhere you want to go.
Oh, sure, I really want you along on dates.
Ma, will you try to be reasonable? Sheila Patterson's daughter lets her drive.
I'm not Sheila Patterson's daughter.
You can't treat me like this.
I'm going to my room.
Oh, Ma.
I have the strangest sense of déjà vu from when I was 14, except I'm Ma and she's me.
What are you gonna do about her? I've got to be firm.
I'm not gonna let her go to the prom.
I never will forget back in high school in biology class when we were studying the octopus.
Now, I swear I meant to say eight tentacles.
No, you didn't.
Any girl who says that and doesn't blush knows what she's saying.
You were the only thing that kept me awake in biology class.
To old friends.
Oh, I wish you weren't leaving tomorrow.
So do I.
Well, then, don't.
Stay on a few more days.
I've got a meeting with a client on Monday morning.
Then I'll go back to Charleston with you.
Say again.
Look, I know how I feel about you, and I flatter myself to think that you feel the same way about me.
Now, I could be coy, I could drop hints, but I'm past that.
Jamie, when George died I began to feel incomplete.
I tried to find what was missing, I tried to find it in another man.
Men.
Many, many men.
But it just wasn't there, and then you happened, and it was as if George had just stepped right back into my life again.
I just don't want to feel that incompleteness again.
Oh, just listen to me.
Am I carrying on? I don't know what got into me.
No, I said I was not going to be coy, and I'm not.
I'm gonna say what I mean, what I feel.
I'm in love with you, Jamie.
Well, Blanche, darling I do feel something for you.
I think maybe I always have.
I knew it.
But I don't believe it's love, not the way you mean it.
The only thing we've talked about tonight and ever since I got here is George.
Now, I loved him too, I looked up to him, I tried to be just like him but I couldn't.
I couldn't be him then and I can't be him now.
You're in love with the memory I brought back to you.
Well, I certainly am not.
I am well in touch with my feelings and I certainly know my own mind, George.
Now, you've just been talking nonsense.
Take it back this second.
Jamie.
What? You called me George.
Well don't you think I would know if I had called you Jamie, George? I mean I mean George, Jam Oh, well, Jamie, George, what's the difference? There is a difference, Blanche.
You're just so much like him.
But I'm not him.
I feel like a fool.
Oh, Blanche, honey.
It's never foolish to hold on to a memory.
Sometimes it's all we're left with.
I miss him so much.
I know.
I miss him too.
Morning, everybody.
Blanche, are you OK? I stopped crying a couple of hours ago.
I've been waiting for the puffiness to disappear.
We were worried about you.
Well, I just cried and cried, and then I finally realized what I'd been crying about.
It wasn't about me and it wasn't about Jamie.
It was about George.
And I cried enough for George when he died so I decided to rejoin the living.
That's our Blanche.
I think I'll take a stroll past that new mini mall they're building.
Why? Passing construction sites is good for your morale.
The sound of guys in hard hats making that sucking noise through their teeth makes me feel like a lady again.