The King of Queens s05e08 Episode Script

Hey, honey.
Hey, what do you got? What do you got? What do you got? Hang on.
You got my arm in there.
Hang on! Would you relax? I'm sorry.
I get excited when the grocery bags arrive.
It's like Christmas, only I don't have to get you anything.
Yeah, well, there's a box of Tide in the car.
Can you go get that? Not unless it's cherry flavored.
Oh, here it is, underneath the broccoli.
Cool Ranch Doritos.
"Now zestier.
" I'm glad they warned me.
Honey, honey-- Honey, wait.
Why don't you just try an apple? Oh, come on, all right? You buy 'em, they sit there, you throw 'em out.
Let's stop the dance.
Come on.
You know how you're always telling me you can't breathe and your heart feels bad? This can help.
All right, fine.
I don't care-- Is that a whole salami? Focus--Focus, Doug.
Focus.
All right.
All right.
What's the big deal? It doesn't matter.
Not bad.
See? What did I tell you? What's the matter? What's the matter? I ate the sticker! This is why I don't eat apples! My eyes are gettin' weary My back is gettin' tight I'm sittin' here in traffic On the Queensboro Bridge tonight But I don't care, 'cause all I want to do Is cash my check and drive right home to you 'Cause, baby, all my life I will be drivin' home to you What's goin' on? And the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.
It has been since my last confession.
I'm sorry, how long? Whoa.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, I was gonna come in sooner, but I just-- I figured you were a very busy guy, and all I had was repeat offenses, and I just--I wanted to wait until I had something that really would blow your collar off.
And do you? Oh, yeah.
You almost ready there, chief? Just about.
Is that how you're gonna wear your tie? It took me, like, 30 tries.
It looks fine.
It looks fine if you're Oliver Hardy.
Fix it, OK? And button up your shirt all the way.
Have you met my neck? Well, listen--I want you to act like a grown-up tonight, OK? Yeah, yeah.
That means none of your funny noises during the ceremony.
Hey, if somebody bends over during a quiet patch, it's open season.
Doug, I'm serious.
This wedding is special to me.
Special.
Please.
It is! I set Jake and Samantha up.
I mean, I saw these two people, I knew they would be perfect for each other, and they were.
They're soul mates.
Get ahold of yourself, would you? I mean, you set her up with 26 guys, you finally found one who didn't try to push her out of his moving car.
It wasn't that many guys.
Are you kidding me? There was Steve, my cousin Danny, the guy you met online at Waldbaum's-- All right, so it took a while.
She's my friend.
I wanted to make sure she found somebody great.
You always say how annoying she is.
Exactly.
She's my annoying friend.
OK? You have a garage full of them.
Hopefully now she'll spend less time being my annoying friend and more time being his annoying wife.
OK, how about this? No tie, unbuttoned down to here like a Bee Gee.
The best is yet to come And, babe, won't it be fine? The best is yet to come On the day you're mine Come the day you're mine What could be better than dancing with my handsome son? OK.
Keep the hands That's it.
All right, folks, let's get this party started, now.
Who wants to shake their groove thang? Whoo! Come on, Dougie! Uh I think I left my groove thang on the table, and I'm pretty sure you don't have one, so I Aw, come on, don't be such a negative Nelly.
Uh, Spence, my mom wants to dance with you.
Oh, sweet! Say cheese! Cut it out.
Ooh, that's a good one.
What's goin' on? They put all these disposable cameras on the tables for us to take pictures.
Say, "I was dumped by the bride.
" Shut up! I loved her.
Guy, you went out with her for, like, a month.
You don't know what we had! That's the money shot.
Hour 4 of wedding.
Kill me.
Help me out here and wing those candies at him.
Come on.
Doug.
Doug.
Why are you throwing candy at his head? It's a wedding.
Hey, guys! We're married! Yes, you are! You guys having fun? Uh-huh.
Oh, yeah.
You know what? I almost wore that exact same dress tonight.
How awkward would that have been? Awkward or sexy.
Oh, you guys, thank you so much for throwing that brunch tomorrow.
Oh, no problem.
Just my way of sending you off in style.
Now that you're married, we're probably not gonna talk as much-- Sure we will.
No, we won't! No, we won't.
But, um we'll always have a bond, an unspoken bond.
Oh, that's true.
And thanks to you, I've got my husband and my best friend.
P-uke! You had to invite him.
I was just trying to be nice.
OK, great.
Whatever.
Excuse us.
Hey, guys! We're married! They saw us, she danced with her clearly gay father.
Can we leave? No.
We have to stay at least another hour.
I have a toast to make.
Another hour? Nothing good ever happens when we dress up.
I have to go.
Samantha has to pee again and I'm in charge of lifting her dress.
Great.
She gets to have fun.
Oh, boy.
You didn't happen to bring a deck of cards or a television set, did you? No.
Can we work with this at all--top hat? What, like, burn it with some Jake and Samantha matches? Hey, look.
Abrathumb Lincoln.
You know, we put these things out at our wedding, too.
You know what some guy did? He went to the bathroom and took a picture of his ass.
Who? I have no idea, but when we got those pictures back, it was pretty damn funny.
Give me that.
Hey.
Hey, thanks again for throwing us this brunch.
Oh, no problem.
Are you having fun? So much fun.
And look at Jake.
Isn't he adorable? Yes.
Very adorable.
No, seriously.
Look at him.
OK, I'm gonna take a break now.
All right? You save my spot.
OK, I'll save your spot.
Oh-- Oh, I'm sorry.
How are you doing? Oh, hello.
We haven't met.
I'm Jake's Aunt Flora.
Oh, I'm Deacon Palmer.
I know Jake from softball.
Oh, how wonderful.
Well, it's been nice visiting with you.
You, too.
So Jamaica--That's a nice place to honeymoon.
You been? Me? No.
I don't leave America.
How long's the flight? It's about 3 hours.
Oh, that's not too bad.
You watch a movie, maybe a little mile-high club, next think you know, you're landing.
What's a mile-high club? It's a It's a card game.
Actually, we just got the disposable cameras developed, so we'll kill a little time going through all those pictures.
Oh, that should be fun.
You got 'em back already? Let's look at them now.
What? No.
No, no, no.
Yeah, we should.
Honey! Break out the pictures.
No, no, that's all right.
They're upstairs in my purse.
I like cookies.
Cookies! Come on, let's get some cookies.
I'll be right back! My God, she's getting the pictures.
What am I gonna do? Relax, man.
No one's gonna know it's your behind.
OK, it's not my be-hind, it was my be-front.
What? I went the other way.
I wanted to mix it up.
Oh, man.
My mother's sitting right there.
Here we go! Hey, let me see.
What have we got here? I got, uh No, no, no, no! Get off! No.
Jeez.
Oh, look at this.
The flower girl.
Doug, isn't she precious? Oh, yeah, she's priceless.
Oh, my God! What is with my hair? Oh, my! It's a picture of a man's Oh, my.
And it's wearing a little top hat.
Let me see that.
Oh, Mommy, please, go blind now! This is sick.
It's like a car wreck.
I can't look away.
Give me those.
Who would do something like this? I know who did it.
It was Danny.
What? Yeah.
The picture on the roll before this last one-- Danny.
Danny.
Danny.
Danny! I didn't-- I didn't do that.
OK coffee and slightly burnt cinnamon buns are served.
What's going on? What happened? Danny thought it'd be funny to take a picture of-- I'm telling you, it's not me! I told you we shouldn't have invited him.
Drunken idiot.
Well, maybe it's not him, Jake.
Oh, yeah, stick up for him-- I am not sticking up for him! We'll talk about this later.
Guy, that is messed up.
Doug, I've been hearing people's sins for 20 years, but this one's pretty disturbing.
Don't people confess murders to you? Still Well, it gets worse.
Nice going, you picture-taking moron.
I just got off the phone with Samantha.
Her and Jake had a huge fight.
You know that they're not going on their honeymoon? They may break up over this.
For the millionth time, I didn't do it! I would never do something like this.
Doug, back me up.
Certainly.
It doesn't seem like something you would do.
Although you were pretty hammered and angry at the wedding.
Now that I think of it, I do remember you grabbing a camera.
Really? Yeah.
You ran off saying something like "I'll show them," or "I'll get them.
" Something like that.
Oh, my God.
Maybe I did do it.
Oh, yeah? It's all coming back to you now, is it? You know, Dan, let me tell you something.
When everybody called you a loser, I was the only one who stuck up for you, OK? But do you know what I'm realizing? They were right.
Your ex-wife, the guys at I.
P.
S.
, your grandmother-- They were right on the money.
I gotta go.
Oh, where you gonna go? You gonna go moon a bar mitzvah? Idiots.
It's amazing.
What's that? How a simple photograph can wreak such havoc.
Will you stop staring at that? I can't help it.
Something about this just doesn't add up.
Mm.
What do you mean? I got a gut, and that gut tells me that this schvantz doesn't belong to the man they think it does.
Hey, I forgot my deodorant.
Can I use yours? Afraid not.
Unfortunately, I have just enough for me.
What's your problem, man? You've been acting pissy all day.
You know damn well what my problem is.
No, I don't.
You made me take that picture.
What? Yeah.
I had no concept of novelty wedding photographs till you showed up.
I was just telling a story to fill the dead air.
You're the one who said, "Give me the camera.
" And that little top hat? That was all you.
Excuse me for classin' it up a little.
What's the big deal, anyway? Danny's the one who got blamed.
You're off the hook.
Look, I feel guilty, OK, that Jake and Samantha are not even speaking to each other, and everybody hates Danny.
So come clean, man.
I can't.
Then everybody will hate me.
Hey.
Next time you guys leave the steam room, you want to let me know? I've been talking to myself for, like, half an hour.
Sorry.
Oh, God.
Arthur.
What are you doing here? I was right.
It wasn't Danny in the picture.
Yes, it was.
He said he did it.
The kid's been framed.
Framed like a $4.
00 paint-by-numbers, and by someone very close to him.
Isn't that so Spence? Bravo, son.
You're exonerated with flying colors.
It's very sweet of you to drive me to the airport.
Well, you're-- you're too old to hitch.
So you, uh, you had a good trip, right? How could I have a good trip? Your cousin ruined the whole wedding with that awful picture.
You know, Danny never had any sense.
Give him a break, all right? I'm sure he feels really bad, you know? And I bet if he had to do it over again, he wouldn't have done it.
Well, it'd be great if he could go back in time.
Does he have a time machine? No.
No.
He doesn't have the sense to have a time machine.
I'll tell you what the problem is.
Every Sunday when Danny should have been in church, you know what he was doing? He was watching The Three Stooges on television.
You don't get yourself on the right path watching grown men poke each other in the eye.
Could we just drop this, Ma? I mean, we're taking a beautiful trip to the airport-- Look, Marriott.
I can't stop thinking about that picture.
Ugh.
That image is burned into my brain.
No.
No, no, no.
It's not burned.
I see it when I close my eyes.
Don't close 'em.
You just keep them open.
I thank God that you're a good boy, Douglas.
I thank God.
Anyway, so I just dropped her off at the airport, and here I am.
Uh-huh.
So what are we looking at here? What you got? Well, Doug, what I think you should be doing is confessing to the people you've hurt.
That's the only way you'll be able to make peace with God.
Right.
It's just-- D-D-Did you hear the part about the picture being burnt into my mother's brain? Well, nobody said this would be easy.
I just think that's what you need to do.
OK.
Um, can I get a second opinion? Could you, like, tag out and get Father Biskup in here? Doug, you can hide from the truth, but you can't hide from God.
How about 60 Hail Marys? 60.
And a new pair of Nikes for you.
What are you, like an 11? Doug What are you doing? Just to the right of the top hat I've discovered a small piece of the trouser label.
I think it may break this case wide open! Give me that.
Who are you trying to protect? Hey, I'm making a pile for the dry cleaners.
You got anything? Uh, no.
But I do want to tell you-- I can't believe all this wedding crap that got in your pockets.
I mean, look at this.
Matches, mints.
You went a little crazy with the yarmulkes here.
Oh, look.
One of the little top hats.
Good evening, governor.
Those hats are funny, huh? Yeah.
Kind of make you want to do something wacky, you know? They do.
That's, uh, probably where my head was at when I uh When I took the picture.
What? The picture.
The bad picture.
The picture everybody's talking about.
I took it.
Wait a minute.
That was you? What would make you do something like that? I was bored to tears, Carrie! I begged you to let me leave that wedding! And you let Danny take all the blame for it? The crowd seemed to be going that way and I jumped on board.
Doug, you're just-- You're just evil.
I mean, do you realize what you did to Danny? Do you realize you may have broken up a marriage here? I'm aware of that, OK? I feel bad.
It's just a stupid thing that spun out of control.
Well, you gotta tell everybody the truth.
I can't! You have to.
Carrie, my mother's seen the picture, OK? It's burnt into her brain! Is that the picture? Yeah.
You've never seen it? No.
You know what? Um maybe you're right.
Maybe we should just let this thing go.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, because, you know, people already think Danny's a screwup.
One more thing ain't gonna make or break that, right? And if Jake and Samantha could break up over something this stupid, then they weren't gonna make it anyway.
You know? What--What's going on here? Nothing.
Just a second ago you said I had to tell the truth and that I'm evil.
No, I mean "evil," like devilish, you know, naughty.
Adorable.
You know? You're embarrassed of it.
You don't want people to know that's me! Well--Well, hon, it's not your best picture.
You know? I don't I don't know if it was the angle or the lighting.
It just-- This--This picture does not represent what I know to be the truth.
That is a very nice picture.
Nice? It's a mug shot.
Yeah.
People always wear top hats in mug shots.
Doug, take my word for it, OK? This picture doesn't do you justice.
Now, a lot of my friends from work saw it at the brunch, and I don't think we need to advertise that this is you.
Oh.
I'm telling.
I'm telling the world! I wouldn't do that if I were you.
I'm doin' it.
Doug, OK, how about this? We take a new picture, OK? I mean, people only saw it for a second.
They would never know the difference.
We could get great lighting, you know, good camera-- Give me that! Can we just airbrush it a little? So, anyway, I want to apologize again to Jake and Samantha.
Hopefully now that you know the truth about this picture, you'll get back on the road to a long, happy life together.
Sorry, also, to my cousin Danny, who I "framed.
" Enjoy that new bowling ball, buddy.
I also want to apologize to anybody else I've offended and to the community at large.
Now, back to the picture.
Who likes what they see? Show of hands.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
Excuse me.
Don't you work with my daughter Carrie Heffernan at the law firm? Carrie? Yes, I do.
So you must have been at the wedding last weekend.
I sure was.
You're free to go, sir.