The Middle s05e08 Episode Script

Some stories end with a ride off into the sunset.
Some stories end with a tearful goodbye.
But my favorite stories are the ones that end with a kiss.
Hey, Mike, guess what.
I just got off the phone with Janet-- No, we're not going to your sister's house for Christmas or doing one of those big summer things at the lake or getting a picture made with everybody while people are still alive.
Will you let me finish? Janet and Gary are taking Lucy on a parenting weekend for "taming your violent kid" or something, and they want us to house-sit! Why would we want to do that? Oh, I don't know-- 'cause their house is nice and ours isn't? Come on, we can get away for the weekend, just the two of us-- it's romantic.
Ew! You guys? What? We're romantic.
I've never even seen you kiss.
We kiss.
We kiss all the time.
See? Yeah, you guys should go.
Campus police! Axl Heck, we know you're in there! - We're here to remove you from campus! - What?! What?! Yeah! Ohhh! Yeah! This is gonna be the best weekend ever! You bet it is! I thought it was Wednesday.
So, prepare yourselves for awesomeness, 'cause I've got like five parties lined up for later.
Nice.
So, what do you guys want to do now? Okay, so, remember, the house makes a lot of weird noises, but there's no reason to get scared.
The "ca-chunk, ca-chunk" is the refrigerator, the "braaaaaaa-unk" is the heater, and the "da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da" is the washer lid.
If it gets too loud, just put more tape on it.
Not to worry, mom.
We'll be fine.
Mm-hmm.
Well, you'd bell, you' 'cause I'm not driving back, even if there's a guy outside with a knife.
Mike, that's not gonna happen.
They caught that guy.
What?! You'll be fine.
All righty.
We'll see you guys! Be good, now.
Bye, guys! Have a good time! And don't you worry about a thing, because Sue Heck is on the case! Brick, we are gonna have-- Brick? Brick?! This is nice-- like being at the beach, but in a tiny room.
Yeah.
So, Ax-Man, how's the talent out here? Gettin' out there? Yeah.
Yeah, I've been going out some, but, uh I don't know.
Never mind.
What? It's kinda weird, but, uh anyway, I keep thinking about Cassidy.
I knew it! You're still into her! Maybe! I don't know.
Have you talked to her? No.
I haven't seen her since graduation.
Well, maybe you need to see her again, face-to-face, see how you feel.
Yeah, I'll just drive 10 hours to Vassar, sure.
Yes! Road trip! No.
We're not going on a-- Road trip! Seriously.
Dudes.
Get real.
We already called "Road trip.
" We have to do it! That-- that is the rule of "Road trip.
" - Road trip! - Road trip! - Road trip! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, wow! It's like being on vacation! The minute we got in the car without the kids, it was a vacation.
You know, if you play your cards right, this could be a very nice weekend.
You're telling me.
Look at that TV! The game's on! Yeah.
All right, well, you watch your game while I soak in the jacuzzi tub, where I won't have to turn on the hot water with pliers.
All right.
I will see you later.
I might even slip on a negligee.
Really? Well, a clean night shirt-- you know, the one with the lace? It had a bloodstain from Brick's nosebleed, but it's mostly out.
Oh, I like that one.
Brick? Oh, Brick! Oh, my God, there you are! Ah! Boom.
Old easter candy.
When the cat's away.
Could be from previous owners.
Brick, you scared me to death! I am in charge.
That means I need to know where you are at all times.
All times! I thought this weekend was gonna be fun.
It will be! But it has to be safe.
Safe fun! That's why-- What was that? Probably just the refrigerator.
Oh, wait-- we have a dog now! Oh, right! This is so unfair.
I called shotgun.
I told you-- you have to see the car before you call shotgun.
Since when? Since the beginning of shotgun! Oh, my God, let it go, Darrin.
We're in Ohio now.
Once you cross state lines, you got to stop complaining about shotgun.
I thought we were going to New York.
- Are we lost? - You are.
Guess they don't teach geography in air-conditioning school.
No, but I'll tell you what I do know.
It's 80 bucks an hour to fix an air conditioner, so suck it, college boys! Man, Cassidy is gonna be blown away when you show up at her door and lay one on her-- totally awesome move.
Damn straight! Unless I open the door and she's making out with her new boyfriend.
That would be slightly less awesome.
Wait.
This is insane.
How did I think I could do this?! I know nothing about her life-- who she's with, what she's doing.
She may not even remember me! That's it.
I'm turning around.
- Glossner! - Glossner! Wh-what is Diaper Glossner doing here?! Whatever he wants! This is bad.
My American Girl Babysitting manual did not prepare me for this! How did he even get in here? Did you leave the door open? I was looking for you! This is all your fault.
Unh-unh.
Don't pin this on me.
You're the one in charge.
Oh.
Um, maybe we should call his mom.
Rita Glossner? Sure.
What's the number for the lady prison? Okay.
Okay.
We can do this.
Diaper Glossner is just a kid.
He probably doesn't even know anyone is home.
We'll just go out, talk really loud, and then he'll get scared and leave.
- All right.
- Okay.
Shh! Got any beer in the fridge? Yeah, we got beer.
That's why I'm drinkin' pop.
Hey, what'd mom say about the attitude? Nothin'.
Two Glossners?! Well, I couldn't get the bath to work.
It's got this keypad, and every time I got the jets to come on, the water would drain.
Anyway, I got my feet wet, so that was nice.
Why aren't you watching the game? 'Cause I can't figure out how to turn on the TV.
Did you press the "On" button? Okay, I didn't press the "On" button 'cause I can't find it.
Oh, you just need some fresh eyes.
So, which remote did you use? I don't know.
They all look alike! Uhh this looks like the one for the TV.
Let's see what Janet's instructions say.
Mm.
"Input" "Input" "Satellite" "TV source.
" I don't see "TV source.
" Come on, Frankie.
I've already missed half the game.
Where are ya, you little Oh! Here it is! Now what do I do? Well, I don't know, 'cause I don't have my glasses.
"Slide button to 'AV 2.
'" I don't see it.
Wait-- how do you slide a button, anyway? You must have misread it.
No! I-- It says right here-- "Slide button to 'AV 2.
'" I think I know how to read.
I see "Display.
Format.
Sync.
" Okay.
Hold on.
Here.
You really need to get your own glasses.
I don't need 'em.
Oh! Found it.
It's on the side.
Mm.
The TV should be on.
Come on, damn it! Do something! All right.
Wait.
Hold on.
Way to go, Fonzie.
You know, even though I'm not gonna see Cassidy, this has been pretty awesome.
Super awesome.
Although, even if she had a boyfriend, you showin' up would have been insanely romantic.
Yeah.
Would have been a serious power move that would have rocked Cassidy's world.
We're goin' back! Oh! I think the Glossners went down to the basement.
What are we gonna do? I know.
What if we lay a trail of pop-tarts from the basement door to the front door? Then, when the Glossners follow the trail out the door, we slam it and lock them outside! Brick, this isn't a road runner cartoon.
Might I remind you of a little story called "Hansel And Gretel"? - Woop! - Shhh! Might I remind you that the kids ended up captured by the witch-- and didn't they get eaten? Well, it depends on whether you're talking about the 1812 German version or the later version where-- Brick! We have Glossners in the basement.
Tick-tock! Great idea, Brick! Now we have three Glossners in the house.
It's an infestation! You know, if Hansel and Gretel were anything like the Glossners, I'm starting to see the witch's side of the story.
Yeah.
So, Mike and I had dreams of a romantic dinner, but, because we're us, it didn't turn out exactly as planned.
Shut up and make dinner! Well, at least I wasn't yelling at Mike.
Activating defrost sequence now.
Hey, I think I'm zeroing in on the power button! Nope! I think the TV may be a bigger idiot than the oven.
Cooking complete.
Yeah.
I doubt that.
this is the part of me that you're never gonna ever take away from me noooo! Whoo! Yeah! Oh, my God! What am I doing? She's gonna think I'm some ginormous stalker.
Turn around! Turn around! Whoa, nice cut, man! I can't believe they're playing baseball in the house! It's one thing to walk in uninvited, and it's another to fly in the face of house rules! I'm just surprised we have apples! Anyways, the Glossners should leave once we cut the power.
- Ready? - Yeah.
One two three.
- I'm scared! - Me too! You see that one, too, right? I don't believe it.
I can't get through to Janet 'cause it keeps asking me for my nine-digit phone code! Where is that book with all the instructions and codes? I gave it to you-- you threw it at the oven.
Come on! All I did was hit the ice-cube button.
Apparently, it thought I wanted all the ice in the world.
3rd and 10! He's fading back, and-- And? And?! Shouldn't an emergency radio work in an actual emergency? Hey.
You know what doesn't need a remote? Booze! Ha ha! Okay.
Not charged.
Damn it, Frankie.
You know, I didn't want to come here in the first place.
Big shocker-- I'll call Channel 9 news.
What's that supposed to mean? You know what it means.
You never want to go anywhere.
You're a stick in the mud.
You take your stick and you plant it right in the mud.
Yeah, well, that's better than being a "hopes too high.
" You get this whole perfect idea of stuff built up in your head, and you're always disappointed.
Why? 'Cause your hopes are too high.
Well, excuse me for wanting to have fun.
Oh, right, 'cause this is so much fun! We're old, Frankie.
We passed "fun" a few miles back.
You think this is turning out the way I wanted it to? It's not, but I am making the best of things.
Your problem is you can't roll with it.
It's annoying, Mike! Oh, is that what we're doing now? We're telling each other what annoys us? 'Cause I got stuff.
Just because I said something annoys me about you doesn't mean you have to say something about me.
You chew with your mouth open.
Ever since you turned 40, you chew with your mouth open.
It reminds me of your dad.
Wow.
How long you been sitting on that one? Hey, I was planning on dying with that info.
You're the one that kicked this door open.
Oven door open.
Oh, shut up! That time, I was yelling at Mike.
Aw, man.
Cassidy loved these chips.
Okay.
Before we waste any more gas, we've got to figure out where we're going.
Axl, you've got to decide, man.
What do you want to do? Dude, it's so obvious what you got to do.
I agree.
- Don't do it.
- Go for it.
Why is this so hard? I mean, I really want to see Cassidy, but I want to make sure she wants to see me, but I can't do that until I see her, but then I will have seen her without knowing if she wants to see me! Sorry.
I'm too hungry to understand what you just said.
I know.
I could go ballistic on those onion rings those people left behind.
Nobody leave a full plate of onion rings.
They probably just went to the bathroom.
Who goes to the bathroom together? And look at the table-- empty cups and plates.
Hmm? They obviously over-ordered.
Or they're rich.
I've got an uncle who's an airplane pilot.
Those onion rings would be nothing to him.
Yeah.
They didn't even take a doggy bag.
Yeah.
You know what? We should take 'em.
They're just gonna throw 'em out.
No way, that doesn't seem right.
Oh, no, that doesn't seem right.
Come on, dude, grow a pair.
Okay, so go get 'em.
No, you get 'em.
You're closer.
Ha ha.
Oh! Darn.
Left my keys in the car.
No, you didn't.
They're right here.
Oh, my God.
These are delicious.
Whoa! Oh! Look! Onion-ring goggles! I'm a British lord! Hoo-noo-noo! Look! I'm havin' a thought! Like in a cartoon! Excuse me.
Did you take our onion rings? There's a girl Glossner? When did that happen? I don't know.
But she's winning the farting contest.
Wait a minute! I've got an idea.
Okay.
We run out the door screaming, "Fire," and then, when they follow us out the door, we dart back in and we lock them out! I was thinking of starting a real fire.
But this is better! Fire! Get out! Run for your lives! Who doesn't run when you yell, "Fire"? That's just not safe! Your turn.
Fine.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Aah! Mike! Help! Aah! Oh! - Mike! - What'd you do?! Nothing! The machines are rebelling! What the Ugh.
Hey! What-- what are you doing?! Having fun! What?! - No, no, no, no, no, no! - How's that feel? Too cold? All right, all right.
Now you're gonna get it.
Now you're gonna get it! Hey, whoa! Whoo-ho-ho-hoo! Hey, hey, hey, hey! Stop it! That's no fair! You're taller than me! You're gonna-- - What's the matter? - Okay.
Okay.
Come on! No! Come on.
Oh, move, move! Come on! Mom and dad are never gonna trust me again.
I am a bad, bad babysitter.
I am irresponsible.
I make irrational decisions.
I choke in stressful situations.
Jump in anytime, Brick.
You haven't said anything I disagree with yet.
Oh, God.
What are we gonna do?! Maybe if we just asked them nicely, they'd leave.
Oh, yeah.
The Glossners are just gonna leave 'cause we ask them nicely.
They're Glossners, Brick! The rules of society don't apply to them.
Think! Sue, if we turn on each other, they win.
Well, did you take their onion rings? Uh no.
No, we ordered these.
No, you didn't.
You ordered a bottomless pop and two glasses.
All right! All right! We took 'em.
It was an honest mistake.
Yeah.
Who leaves a full plate of onion rings unattended? I say we stop the finger-pointing, admit we're all at fault, and let it go.
Teenagers today run wild and steal onion rings, and it won't stop until somebody takes a stand.
I'll testify.
I'm not afraid of your gang.
Look.
If you can just pay for the onion rings you ate and buy them another order, I can let you off the hook.
Okay, fine.
If we could just borrow 1,200 pennies from your "Take a penny, leave a penny" jar Oh, uh plus a generous tip.
Because the service here has been excellent.
I guess I have no choice but to call the authorities.
Whoa, wait! Um If I may, uh, say something in our defense Run!! I call shotgun! Shut up, Darrin! Hello.
Listen.
We've put up with you and your kinfolk for long enough.
We would kindly like you to leave our house now.
Okay.
Come on, guys.
Let's go.
Leave the broken pieces.
Screw it.
This place sucks anyways.
So, uh anyway thanks.
I only did it because you asked me not him.
What are you talking about? Why do you think I pull up your shrubs or knock over your mailbox or put rocks in the snowballs I throw at ya? 'Cause you're mean? Nope.
It's 'cause I've always kinda liked ya.
Uh okay.
It doesn't matter.
I mean, look at ya.
You're a rich girl-- with your above-ground pool, your two kinds of chips, and your one dad? Forget it.
Way out of my league.
See ya around, princess.
So? Which way are you goin', Axl? Like I said, the best stories are the ones that end with a kiss.
Forgot my keys.
Yup.
Sometimes things don't end up how you expect.
Sometimes, they end exactly the way you expect.
And sometimes you're not ready to see how they end.
You just want to hold out hope a little longer.