Home Improvement s05e09 Episode Script

Chicago, Chicago.
Tool Time Tool Time The Windy City.
Tool Time breaks wind in Chicago.
- I don't know.
- You're still working? Yeah.
Al was no help, so I sent him home.
I promised Bud I'd have these Chicago Tool Time ideas by Friday.
Feel like pitchin' some ideas to me? - It's the middle of the night.
- Got it! A salute to the middle of the night in Chicago.
No.
- Why don't you just come to bed? - Bed, bed.
Box springs.
Bedding, bedding.
- Tim, you're obsessing.
- Obsessing, obsessing.
Recess.
Recessed lighting.
A salute to recessed lighting in Chicago.
- Buildings.
Recessed lighting.
- You can start again in the morning.
- I'll be up in a minute, OK? - You've said that for three weeks, and every night, I'm sitting up there all by myself.
I'm sorry.
If it'll make you feel any better, you're not the only one I'm neglecting.
Eddie called from the garage, Harry from the hardware store.
They're upset.
Maybe the three of us should start a support group.
Look, I know that this Chicago Tool Time thing is important to you, but so is our relationship.
I know that.
Can you remember the last time we made love? - Sunday.
- A month ago.
A month ago Sunday.
It used to be if we went two days, you'd be climbing the walls.
Walls, stucco.
Salute to stucco.
I could do a whole wall thing.
Tim! Come on.
Every marriage goes through these down times.
Well, I'm wondering when your downtime is gonna be coming back up.
It's both of us.
I've been working so hard, you've been at school.
That's no excuse.
I just read this survey.
It said that that some couples, no matter how busy they are, still make love five times a week.
With each other? Yeah.
Yeah, I'm serious.
Five nights a week? I'm surprised they have the energy for the survey.
I'm saying that we could make more effort.
I made effort the other morning, you weren't interested.
Maybe it had something to do with your approach.
- What was wrong with my approach? - I believe your exact words were, "Honey, I've got three minutes.
Let's go.
" How much time do you need? More than three minutes.
Enough time to connect emotionally, feel romantic.
Is there any way you can get some of this stuff done before I get there? So this girl follows you around the whole day? Even at recess.
Sounds like she's got the hots for you, Mark.
I know.
How do I get rid of her? Just be yourself.
Mark, if you have any questions about girls, you shouldn't be asking Randy.
- You should ask somebody who knows.
- Right.
Wilson.
Wilson? - Brad - What? - What about a salute to under the - No, I didn't like that.
- OK.
What about? - No, no.
Hey, Dad.
How are the Tool Times coming? We got plenty of ideas.
Actually, thousands.
Whole bunch of 'em.
- You got nothing.
- Zilch.
Yeah, but we will, and I'm not leaving here until we get ten good ideas.
Hey, you know, maybe what we need is a young, fresh perspective.
Brad, what would you like to see on Tool Time? A salute to Heidi.
Um, do you? Kids.
- Want something to drink? - Iced tea.
- Let's get going.
Come on.
- I wanna finish this thing by 11:00 tonight.
- What happens at 11? - I got some work to do upstairs.
- What do you gotta do? - Somethin' with Jill.
- What? - Use your imagination.
You mean Oh! Have marital relations.
You make it sound so dirty.
Apparently Jill read some survey where there are couples who get romantic five nights a week.
Five nights a week? Is that legal? Apparently.
Now I gotta find time to be with her five nights a week.
- No, Tim.
- Yes, whether I want to or not.
- Tim.
- Al.
No.
- Jill? - Yeah.
Yes, that's me, your wife, whether I wanna be or not.
You know, as much as I'd like to stay, I think I'd like to leave even more.
No, no.
It's all right.
I told him about how you thought we should make love five nights a week.
- I never said that.
- You said we should be like those couples.
All I said was that I'd like it if it was more than once a month.
llene and I are once-a-weekers.
And tonight's the night.
- This one is surefire! - Some enthusiasm.
Sell it, man, sell it.
OK.
Our potential audience in Chicago is what? Half apartment dwellers.
For them, a big issue is what? - Cockroaches.
- No.
Safety.
Picture this - a Tool Time salute to peepholes.
You gotta do better.
Bud'll be here soon.
All right.
OK, OK.
Chicago apartments.
- Every apartment has what? - Cockroaches.
Fire escapes.
Fire escapes as urban patios.
Yes, I see ferns, I see bird feeders.
I see every apartment dweller throwing their TV out the window.
- Whoa! - Hey, guys.
- Hey, boss.
How's it going? - Tim, good to see ya.
Al.
- Were you a little late this morning? - Yeah.
But my mother had a problem.
She broke down on the interstate and had to be towed.
- Oh.
Sounds like quite an ordeal.
- Especially since she doesn't have a car.
It's Friday.
I bet you got so many ideas, you don't know where to start.
Right, boss.
I don't know where to start.
A lot of people in Chicago are apartment dwellers.
- Al - Wait.
No, that's true.
That's exactly why I came up with this.
Chicago apartment dwellers have what? - Cockroaches? - No, no! Fire escapes.
Picture this - fire escapes as urban patios.
- I like it.
- Oh, hey! That was my idea.
Al we're a team.
There's no "i" in the word team.
No, but there's a "u" in "you always take the credit.
" There's also a "w" in "who cares?" Huh? Let's go over your ideas so Tim and I can present 'em to the Chicago station manager tomorrow.
- We're doing that today.
- No.
Mike can't make it today.
- I can't make it tomorrow.
- Why not? I got in a fight with Jill, and I'm taking her to the new Japanese hotel.
Oh, the old save-the-relationship weekend.
We've all had those, yeah.
You can understand why I can't go to a business meeting.
Absolutely.
I'll bring the meeting to you.
- No.
- Yeah.
Hotel bar, 5:00 sharp, you be there.
Oh, this is so beautiful.
I can see why you always wanted to come to this hotel.
Great view.
The Where are we supposed to sit? On the floor.
This is an authentic Japanese bedroom.
Where's the authentic Japanese bed? Well, I assume it's in the closet.
Yes.
We take these futons out and put them on the floor where we wanna sleep.
Well, we sit on the floor, we sleep on the floor.
I'm afraid to look in the bathroom.
No, don't step up here.
Take your shoes off first.
- You know, we should go get a massage.
- I'm not much for massages.
If I'm getting oiled, I want it done by a licensed mechanic.
Well, maybe you should go away for a weekend with your mechanic.
Way ahead of you.
Chuck and I have a bed and breakfast for Valentine's Day.
If you don't want a massage, we could soak in a hot tub together.
- Now you're talkin'.
- Yes.
A nice, long, leisurely bath.
Then a long, leisurely frolic in the futons till about 5:00 sharp.
scheduling our frolicking? No.
That's when all the restaurants open downstairs.
- I wanna pick the right one.
- Oh, this is gonna be so wonderful.
I'll get the hot tub, you get the phone.
Hello? - Hey.
Tim? - Bud? Yeah.
Listen, slight change of plans.
Mike wanted to meet early.
Early? What do you mean, early? He promised his wife they'd go out for a romantic dinner.
I don't care.
I promised my wife we'd play "Hide the Soap in the Hot Tub.
" One of you guys are gonna break your promise, and it's not him.
- Now get your butt down here.
- We gotta talk about this, Bud.
- Who was that on the phone? - The front desk.
They forgot to give us our complimentary kimonos.
I'll run down and get 'em.
- Why don't they send 'em up? - They're very busy.
I'm in a hurry to get mine, 'cause I'm really into this Japanese style thing.
Sayonara.
alligator.
Oh! - Oh, that - It's true.
Wait.
Tim, come here.
Listen, I want you to meet Mike McKewen.
- Mike McKewen, Tim Taylor.
- Forget the shaking.
Give me a hug.
- I'm not much of a hugging guy.
- The man wants a hug.
Give him a hug.
All right.
Yeah.
Here, come on, sit down.
Tim, your show's got a lot of local flavor.
Thanks.
We work hard to make it feel that way.
- I got a big problem with that.
- Gone.
Over with.
- Don't have to have it.
Done.
- Love this guy.
- Oh, I loved him first.
- You make a lot of references to Detroit, and how is that gonna play in Chicago? We're sensitive to your concerns, which is why the show will have a more national appeal.
Good to hear it.
What do you say we forget these drinks and talk about this while we're getting a shiatsu? As much as I like shopping for small yapping dogs I'm a little pressed for time.
A shiatsu is a massage.
Then I'd much rather shop for a small yapping dog.
Aw, Tim's kidding.
He'd love to go for a massage.
Good! I've signed my biggest deals in the massage room with nothing but a towel covering my butt.
I hate to think where you keep your pen.
Excellent.
Come on, you're too funny.
- Hello? - Hi.
honey - Where are you? - I'm still here in the lobby.
You wouldn't believe the line for these free kimonos.
Well, forget about it.
With what I've got in mind, we don't need kimonos.
What was that? Uh, that's two guys fighting over the last extra-large.
I'm gonna see if I can't help out, and I'll call you back.
Bye-bye.
Oh, Yoshiko, that is so glorious.
- Wilson? - Tim? What are you doing here? I come here once a month for an herbal facial and an acupressure massage.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here for a romantic weekend with Jill.
- Oh, ho-ho.
Where is she? - She's up in the room by herself.
That sounds very romantic.
Well, I, uh I kind of got roped into a business meeting, so I made an excuse and slipped down here.
Well, I'm reminded of a Japanese saying: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What does that mean? Roughly, "Liar, liar, kimono on fire.
" So, Mike, what kind of massage do you prefer? - Oh, deep tissue.
- Me too.
Yeah, yeah.
All right, deep as you go and as fast as you can get there.
Tim, you ever had one of these massages before? No.
They're kinda painful if you're not used to it.
Look at the size of the woman.
How much pain can she inflict? Ow! Ow! Oh Oh! Aah! Tim, these masseuses really get the blood flowing, don't they? Yeah.
I just wish she was a little heavier.
So, Mike, what do you think? We got ourselves a deal? We're gettin' there.
What do you think, Tim? Yeah! I just wish she'd hurry up.
I think she's putting footprints on my liver.
What do you say we go back to the bar and seal this deal over some sak‚? - That's a good idea.
Yeah.
- What do you think, Tim? Hello? - Where are you? - I'm still in the lobby.
I called the front desk, and they don't give away complimentary kimonos.
Well, not anymore.
After that big fight.
You know what they're calling it? The gunfight at the O.
K.
Kimono.
Ha-ha.
Yeah.
Huh? What? # Lonely Hearts Club Band # We hope you will enjoy the show # We're Sgt.
Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band # Sit back and let the evening go OK, honey.
I'll be right up.
OK, bye.
OK, guys, let's get it over with.
Let's close this deal.
- Yeah.
- Far as I'm concerned, this deal is closed.
Hey, all right.
Great, great.
Mmm.
I gotta go.
I'll talk to you tomorrow.
Mike, nice meeting ya.
Hold your horses, cowboy.
We're next up on the karaoke machine.
- Karaoke? - Yeah, we're singing, Tim.
- I can't sing, Bud.
- Listen, if you can hug, you can sing.
OK, try this one.
# You'll never know how much I really love you # You'll never know how much I really care Yeah, that'll work.
Yeah.
- # Listen - # Doo-wah-doo - # Do you want to know a secret? - # Doo-wah-doo - # Do you promise not to tell? - # Doo-wah-doo - # Oh, oh, closer - # Doo-wah-doo # Let me whisper in your ear doo-wah-doo # Say the words you want to hear # I'm in love with you # Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh # Ooh-ooh-ooh - What are you doing? - I think I'm doing Ringo's part.
We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend, and I come down here and find you singing a love song to Bud.
Well, I was singing to Bud, but I was thinking of you.
Tim, you were supposed to be having a romantic weekend with your wife? Yes, that was the original idea.
- Mike, this is my wife Jill Taylor.
- Hi.
It's nice to meet you.
Some romantic weekend.
We've spent a total of five minutes together.
Jill, it wasn't Tim's fault.
I pushed him into this so we could close the Chicago deal with Mike.
I'm kinda disappointed in you two guys.
I can't understand why you didn't tell me.
I would've understood.
- You would've? - The relationship has got to come first.
That's how I keep those home fires burning.
Let me tell you, those home fires are burning five nights a week.
We read about you.
- It's been a lot of fun tonight.
- It sure has.
And you know why? Because # They say we're young and we don't know # Won't find out till we grow # Well, I don't know if all that's true # 'Cause you've got me, and, baby, I've got you Good.
# Babe # I got you, babe # They say our love won't pay the rent # Before it's earned, our money's often spent Ain't it the truth? # I guess that's 'cause we don't have a pot # At least I'm sure of all the things we got # Babe # I got you, babe # I've got flowers in the spring # I got you # To wear my ring Whoo! # And when I'm sad # You're a clown # And when I get scared # You're always around # So let them say your hair's too long # I don't care, with you, I can't go wrong # Put your little hand in mine # There ain't no mountain or hill # Babe # I got you, babe Hello? - Tim? - Bud? Listen, slight change of plans.
Mike wanted to meet early.
Early? What you mean, early? He promised his wife they'd go out for a romantic dinner.
Yeah? I promised my wife we'd spend a half-hour finding the soap in the never mind.