Last of the Summer Wine (1973) s05e09 Episode Script

I would like to take this opportunity of wishing you both the compliments of the season and to point out, if thee's not done all the Christmas shopping, time is getting short.
We've finished Christmas shopping.
As long as tha's certain.
We're grateful for the reminder, but we're certain.
Good, fine, I just thought I'd mention it - it's only a few days to Christmas.
And tha's goin' to be kickin' tha's self it tha's forgotten anybody.
We've got you a little present.
Don't you dare! Stop, stop! That reminds me - I must unblock my sink.
'Ow big a little present? Don't tell him - he might kiss me again.
Three coffees please, Sid.
Coffees? You usually have teas.
The tea is terrible.
So's the coffee.
So what's the difference? 2p a cup.
We'll have three teas.
Hey up, he's got the spirit of Christmas.
Is tha' sure tha's bought me a present? Relax.
I 'ope it's not useful.
I 'ate useful presents.
It's all you get, useful presents.
I remember one year, our lass gave me thermal underwear.
You don't 'alf know where you stand, fascination-wise, when yer wife buys you thermal underwear.
Where's tha goin' for Christmas? Goin'? He's ain't goin' anywhere.
He's stoppin' at 'ome to enjoy it, like we always do.
That's right.
Like we always do! We're 'avin' all my brothers and their wives.
Oh, are you? We're 'avin' turkey! Ivy! Halt, Ivy.
Just look at this.
That habit of yours Habit? Distressing ladies.
Oh, THAT one, aye? When you look what happens, is it really worth it? Norm, I give you my word, it is really worth it.
Well, as long as you're happy.
Christmas comes but once a year.
Even then, the tea's no better.
Christmas can't last forever - it just feels like it.
Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day, then it's the weekend, then it's New Year.
It's all over in about a fortnight.
Tha knows what's wrong.
Yes, Christmas is not what it used to be.
Yes, it is - it's US what's changed.
When did you change? That shirt's been on for a month.
I shall change this shirt for a special occasion, like when we go out for our Christmas Eve drink.
Yes, why don't you wear that outfit you've scarcely ever worn? What outfit's that? Your working clothes.
Ha-bloody-ha! Look at that face.
What a misery, eh? Got a face like my uncle's mule.
I didn't know he had a mule.
It followed 'im 'ome one night.
I see, fell off a lorry, did it? No, he were just takin' care of it till the rightful owner turned up.
Very public-spirited.
It makes a change for him to be followed by something other than a policeman.
Do you know, I think he cared more for that mule than my aunty.
Seems reasonable to me.
And me, specially when you take into consideration your aunty's tendency to bite.
She only bit strangers.
And I will say this for her, they never went septic.
They never went twice, either.
If she took a shine to people, she could be very amiable, my aunty.
And she knew 'ow to celebrate Christmas.
From the beginning of August onwards.
She 'ad great enthusiasm.
She knew 'ow to work at 'avin' a good time.
We're not workin' at it.
Fine qualifications you've got for that.
Listen, Daisy May, you've got to get into the mood.
You've gotta get some big excitement into your life.
I don't think I've ever had some big excitements in my life.
You must've had SOME big excitements.
Yes, I tell a lie - there was that time on my honeymoon.
Well, go on.
We met a couple from Stoke-on-Trent.
Hey! Stoke! On Trent! We went around as a foursome.
The two women got on well, got their heads together, swapping notes.
I was left with him.
He seemed all right, except for a bit of a tendency to be over-cheerful.
So, where was the big excitement? Well, it was him.
We hadn't known him 12 hours when he started doing Al Jolson impressions.
Couple of drinks down him and wallop - top of his voice, Al Jolson impressions.
That WAS exciting! Exciting? Well, it was to me.
I didn't know where to hide.
I was on me honeymoon, remember - my nerves were all raw anyway.
Nasty.
I had this book in a plain cover I'd been recommended to read.
The Secrets Of Marital Harmony.
I'd never seen anything like it in me life.
I thought all I had to do was take her a cup of tea in the morning.
Right in the middle of all that, there was this herbert doing Al Jolson impression! To this day, I can't look at an illustrated medical book without thinking of Al Jolson.
It was an Al Jolson period, wasn't it? Everyone was doing it.
I mean, it went through the nation like an illness, like an epidemic.
It was damned embarrassing.
You could be having a quiet drink when suddenly this fellow at the next table, probably a kind father, would lose his head and go completely musical! Terrible.
It was the relatives I felt sorry for.
Can we 'ave more onion in the stuffing this year? By George! You are desperate for excitement, aren't you? SCHOOL BELL RINGS Ah, them was the days! We knew 'ow to enjoy ourselves in them days.
Log distance yo-yo.
Free-style spitting.
We did better than that! Like what? Poppin' frogs down girl's blouses.
Much scope at your age for popping frogs down ladies' blouses? It's better than carol singing.
I don't like handling the things.
They're all right is frogs - they won't 'arm thee.
I don't mean frogs - it's the ladies.
What a pair of jessies! All right, I suppose there's something we can do that doesn't involve ladies.
Well, I used to enjoy the cut and thrust of a really competitive game of marbles.
Urgh! All right, Short 'n' Shapeless, what do you suggest? When did we last walk on our 'ands or shin up a drainpipe? Climb a lamp-post, jump off a bus while it was still moving? We've let all that slide.
It's true, it has to be admitted, I've let all that slide.
I used to be great at hand-walking.
I wish you'd stop walking on mine.
I must say, the sight of a scruffy person upside down makes you think twice before stuffing the turkey.
All right, let's go try 'ow we are at jumping off buses.
Do we open our eyes? I should open them.
GERONIMO! Then there was puddle-splashing.
Flickin' girl's elastic.
I never did that.
It's too late now - you should 'ave made the most of your educational opportunities.
Oh, there were some great lads.
Basin haircuts and sherbet round their mouths.
I used to like a bit of sherbet.
I was 14 before I realised that lips weren't necessarily yellow.
It was playing marbles I enjoyed.
Some great 'and-walkers.
And climbing things - there were some great climbers.
Some great lads, all gone now.
How d'you mean, all gone now? All fallen, untimely, into the jaws of matrimony.
Why don't we go and see them? The old gang.
It's Christmas - we could 'ave a drink together.
With such as who? People we 'aven't seen for years - Chuffer Enright! I'd love to see old Chuffer again.
My God, what a treat(!) Gordon Lipinscale! Old Splutter? Definitely! We must pay a call on old Splutter.
He's up Town End way somewhere.
But the damn fellow used to spit all over everybody! Only when he got excited.
And he's our age now.
What's left to get excited about? You can't recapture times past.
Once a mate, allus a mate.
Remember when Chuffer used to wrestle with Doreen Tattersall? Wait a minute, he never actually won, did he? No, 'e never actually won.
But she were cock of the school, weren't she? Fair dos.
He kept on tryin', didn't he? He must've spent hours under Doreen Tattersall.
Didn't we all? It wasn't so bad in winter.
This doesn't look like the abode of a Chuffer Enright.
This is the address - what does thee expect? Something along the lines of corrugated iron and broken glass.
Oh! Merry Christmas, Mrs Enright.
If you're cadging or carol singing, don't start.
I'm fed up with the beggars.
No.
We were wonderin' if Chuffer's in.
Chuffer? Who's Chuffer when he's at home? He means Douglas, Mrs Enright.
Then why doesn't he say so? Does he have difficulty with words? Tell 'im an old mate's called.
Douglas, it's for you.
There's a tramp at the door.
Hey up, missus! Wait there a minute.
Tramp at the door! The cheeky bitch! Douglas! Coming, love.
What is it? God only knows.
It says it's an old mate of yours.
Of mine? Yes, you fool.
Get rid of it.
And there's two other weird-looking beggars hanging around too.
What do they want? Never mind what they want - get rid of them! And DON'T be giving 'em anything.
You wanted to see me? Same old Chuffer! Owt for a laugh.
Pretendin' he don't remember us.
What d'you want? Watch this.
Quack, quack, quack.
Now, tha remembers that, Chuffer.
Nobody calls me Chuffer any more.
Duck impressions! Tha were great at duck impressions.
Weren't he? Extremely gifted.
One of the all-time greats.
My God, that's going back a bit.
Tha's not given up tha's duck impressions, 'as tha, Chuff? Well, y'do, don't you? We were at school together? Simmonite! And that's Cleggy.
And you'll remember Dewhurst, the great big lily in Standard 4.
Well, old Chuff.
He don't bad, considerin' all that rollin' about he did under Doreen Tattersall.
Sssh! Come in't shed - it'll be warmer in there.
Yeah, well, seein' it's Christmas, we thought we'd look thee up.
I'm glad yer did.
Oh, yes, I'm really glad yer did.
I can't tell yer how glad I am that you did.
I'm glad.
Wellthis is great, in't it? Great.
Great.
Great.
# Bo bo do # How's tha doin', then, Chuff? Oh, pretty well, y'know.
We know.
We know.
I have to watch what I eat, mind you.
I have this terrible cholic.
And me knee - oh, God, it's sometimes agony, this knee.
It gives me gyp, does this knee.
Would you like to see it? You ought t'see it.
You'll not believe this knee.
It's not unsightly, is it? Oh, no.
I'm below average at unsightly.
Oh, no, it's just like anyone else's knee - on the surface.
We're not going to look under the surface? No.
Well, it looks a perfectly average knee.
A lot cleaner than it used to be.
I don't know why tha's worried - it's just like anyone else's.
Then why does it give me this gyp? Maybe it IS somebody else's knee.
It's obviously something internal.
That's it, you've spotted it.
He's spotted it! It's here.
If y'dig yer finger in just about here, you can feel this little knobbly thing.
Now, the question is, does everyone have that little knobbly thing? DOUGLAS! I never thought I'd have sympathy for Chuffer.
But your heart goes him, living with a voice like hers.
Maybe that's what's wrong with his knee.
He won't be coming to your party? It's not exactly a party - just a few drinks for Christmas Eve.
We'll be at the Butcher's Arms.
Old friends are welcome.
We told him, but I don't think so.
He didn't even do 'is duck impressions.
Oh, well, perhaps we'll have more luck with old Splutter.
At duck impressions? You're joking! Gordon Lipinscale? Sorry? It is, isn't it? Of course.
I remember him better upside down.
Upside down? Tha were allus walkin' on thee 'ands.
Trapping your tie in the door is a new trick, eh, Gordon? Oh, you noticed that.
He don't remember us.
Yes, of course I do.
Good heavens! What do you take me for? Course I remember you.
Wellwell How are you all? How are you keeping? Oh, is that my telephone? I didn't hear a telephone.
I believe it is.
Wouldn't you know it.
Just when we could have chatted.
There goes the damn telephone.
Well, nice to see you.
Merry Christmas.
I thought he'd remember me.
Why thee? What's so unforgettable about thee? I'll tell you why me.
Because I once gave him my best glass alley marble - unmarked, absolutely perfect, big as an egg.
How come tha's ever given owt away for free? It was a blood brother ceremony.
We swapped things, gave gifts.
It was either that or cut your wrists and let your blood mingle.
I thought, stuff that.
What did he give you? German measles.
He let me feel his spots.
I was off school three weeks.
That's better than a marble.
It was while I was at home.
But when I got back to school, I really missed that marble.
Well, at least tha knows tha's had German measles - it'll be a consolation if tha gets pregnant.
What d'you want that for? Tha's forgotten, tha's both forgotten.
That's very true.
I must confess, Nora Batty's clothes prop is the last thing on me mind.
He looks like Charlton Heston as Moses.
Leading his people out of the betting shops.
I'm goin' to pole-vault.
I were a right demon at pole-vaulting with clothes props.
Get on with it.
Stand by for action, 'ere I come.
Not a long enough run.
Get a move on, or it'll be Boxing Day.
'Ere I come, then.
Ge-ron-im-o! Look at my best clothes prop! I never thought I'd see Charlton Heston doing The Thirty-Nine Steps backwards.
Maggie, my little lovely, come on.
Yeah, she's all right.
Oh, dear, this is goin' to be a right Christmas Eve, this is.
There's me, thee and 'im! I don't know.
Old Chuffer might drop in.
And bore everyone with his knee.
He won't come.
And when Gordon Lipinscale reads that invitation we dropped through his letter-box and realises just who we are I don't suppose he'll come either.
Don't you start.
Why don't you decorate this place a bit for Christmas? Cheeky bat! This IS decorated! Where? There! Yes, very stylish, that.
You can always tell when the decor's been done professionally.
KNOCK AT DOOR Got room for one more feelin' miserable? Come in.
Come in.
Come in.
It's the same at our 'ouse.
I thought I'd come and bring you all a mince pie.
Ta, Wal.
That's kind of you, Wally, but I'm not sure we're up to the excitement.
Come on, get 'em down you.
I 'ave to! They're not bad mince pies, Wal.
How d'you know? It never touched the sides! KNOCK AT DOOR Is that 'usband of mine 'ere? 'Ave you swiped my mince pies? ALL: Mince pies? Not me, Nora, love.
Take 'em away, I said, keep 'em.
That poor woman 'avin' to slave away over that 'ot stove, I said.
I can't turn me back for two minutes! You're supposed to be helpin', not hinderin'.
Take 'em back, he says.
That poor woman, he says.
No! Don't touch me! Come 'ere.
Do you realise, that's the first time I've never laid 'ands on Nora Batty? And what is worse, that's the first time I've never WANTED to lay 'ands on Nora Batty! Listen, if it's any consolation to you, there must be several 100 people who never wanted to.
Several 100 and one! Aw, heck! What's 'appenin' to me? Dost tha think I've past the peak of my romantic powers? It's a possibility to consider.
This is gonna turn out to be a right Christmas, I can see that.
Let's go in there, there's more life.
No, no, I'm all right.
I don't think I'm ready for life.
This is going to be a sparkling Christmas with him in this mood.
You two go, go on, enjoy yourselves.
Snatch a bit of 'appiness while you can.
Oh, dear, on with the motley.
Whilst there's still time.
Cos one day, you'll find that it's all gone.
To find all WHAT'S gone? All the raging lust for the pleasures of the flesh.
Oh, that old thing.
I was glad when mine stopped raging and I could settle down to the comparative peace of being 29.
Personally, I found it helpful to sublimate the whole thing by a deep study of the NCO's Handbook On Close Order Drill.
I never thought it would 'appen.
Bound to in the end.
Me favourite end, an' all.
It's a reunion.
What's up wi' you? I was going to bathe me knee! That's right, go on - think of yer own pleasures first.
Well, perhaps a quick drink.
Can't possibly stay long, though.
You're a reckless pair these days.
You could do wi' loosenin' up a bit.
You can't recapture the old days.
Don't they realise? It's 'opeless tryin' to recapture the old days.
You can't keep on tellin' them.
No, you can't tell 'em.
Mind you, you 'ave to keep tryin'.
We'll let them find out the hard way.
We'll give 'em an hour to get bored with themselves, then we'll go and pick up the pieces.
They're in here.
Ohthey WERE in here.
I heard them doin' duck impressions.
Duck impressions? Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
Me neither, but it IS Christmas Eve.
(OUTSIDE) Quack, quack, quack.
Don't they make you feel small? I'll kill 'im when I get 'im 'ome.
Quack, quack, quack.
Hey up, Nora.
Tha's lookin' very tasty, and thee, Ivy.
It's all comin' back to me.
Where's the mistletoe? Mistletoe?! This is goin' to be a right Christmas.
I'm not waitin' all night.
Come down this minute! What on earth are you doin' there? I forget now.
It seemed a good idea at the time.
Let's see how the turkey's going.
It's nice to see Chuffer and old Splutter letting their hair down after a drink or two.
Gives you hope for humanity.
You scratch some boring pompous old devil and there underneath is the same old silly lovable beggar.
Merry Christmas, Chuffer.
I told you I could still do it! Merry Christmas, Gordon.
How did we get down? Do you remember how we used to get down? The thing that surprises me is the casual way Gordon seems to have lost that glass alley marble.
Are we open' our prezzies tonight? No, we are not opening our prezzies tonight.
You can wait till tomorrow.
I'll try, I'll try.
Come on! Now, get your timing right - take your timing from me.
I don't care, I don't care.
I've 'ad Nora Batty under the mistletoe.
Y'know, for a woman of 'er age, she has very well-preserved lips.
I hope I don't have to kiss anybody, promise me I don't.
It's like parachuting - just bend your knees when you hit the ground.
That sounds pretty advanced kissing to me.
Here we go! GERON Will you shut up?! Why do you have to shout Geronimo? I didn't shout Geronimo! Yes, you did - every single time, right in my earhole.
What else is there to shout? Well, what about "Whoops"? He's right, y'know, much more appropriate.
WHOOPS! WHOOPS! WHOOPS! WHOOPS! WHOOPS! WHOOPS!