Mike & Molly s05e09 Episode Script

Previously on Mike & Molly Mike, I was writing.
You're always writing.
That's true.
I come home from drinking, you're writing.
I get up to smoke a bowl, you're writing.
Honey, you have a serious problem.
There, done.
What'd you do? I did what you should have done a couple of weeks ago.
I sent your book to your publisher.
You're welcome.
You actually sent it?! Why would you do something like that?! Oh, my God! Know what this is? This is your face.
Come on! What is going on with you? Your whole life, you've always finished what you've started.
This is different.
It's my first book.
That's a very big deal.
And if they don't like it, it's over.
My career is done.
Wow.
Who knew publishers were so fancy? I'm not sure why I'm whispering.
Maybe it's the art or the-the sculpture or the fact that you haven't spoken to me to kind of set a level.
Mr.
Van Xander will be right with you.
Okay, so inside voices.
Okay.
He didn't happen to mention what he thought of my book? I mean, I know that's kind of awkward for you, but this is already so awkward.
Would you like some water? Yes, I would.
And, uh, if one had the-the urge to throw up, where would one do that? Oh.
Not much of a talker, are you? Oh.
Is this a trick, or do I just kind of Maybe I'll maybe I'll crack it like a coconut.
Oh.
Oh.
That's that's tough.
I love it.
And I love you.
Oh, and I love that you love me, too.
So what are your plans? Well, right off the bat, I want to change my pants.
I mean for your future, because this, my dear, is a game changer.
Books like yours don't come across my desk every day.
I think what we have here is very nearly perfect.
I really only have one thought.
One thought? Great.
Well, as you have it, your main character is searching for spiritual fulfillment and sexual awakening, which I love Me, too.
I mean, it's internal, but it's universal.
I mean, it's really the whole reason I wrote the book.
Mm-hmm, but what if, instead of all that, every time she orgasms, she travels through time? What? I mean, think of it she would have to seduce famous historical figures in order to climax her way back to her one true love.
Wow.
It's, uh, it's That's Wow.
I don't I don't know how to Wow, but I I thought you liked what I wrote.
Oh, I loved what you wrote.
But now, with my one little tweak, we're not talking best seller; we're talking phenomenon.
Phenomenon, okay.
Phenomenon.
That's a TV series, movie trilogy and, if done right, a very erotic 3-D ride at Universal Studios.
I hope I'm tall enough.
La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Okay, tell us again.
What were his exact words? He said, "We're not talking best seller; we're talking phenomenon.
" I told you! We're rich! Phenomenon Do, do, do-do-do Phenomenon Do, do-do, do Phenomenon.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Let's not get ahead of ourselves, I still have to do the rewrite.
Oh, you will.
I sent the right kid to college.
Thank you! Amen to that.
Phenomenon Do, do, do-do-do Phenomenon Okay, wait, w-wait, Do, do-do, do.
Wait, w-w-wait.
Wait! Now it has to be erotic and historically accurate.
I basically have to write a whole new book.
Oh, just change some names and locations.
Yeah, turn panties into pantaloons, make it a "ye olde ball gag," and you're good to go.
I cannot tell you how proud of you I am.
And look at me, I'm dancing.
I haven't danced since '86 when the Bears won the Super Bowl.
I know, you didn't even dance at our wedding.
Well, I'm dancing now, baby.
Say it.
No, Mike, I Say it! Oh, Phenomenon Do, do, do-do-do Phenomenon Do, do-do, do Phenomenon I'm telling you, man, this is the right move.
Now that you're married to a soon-to-be phenomenon, - you got to have a look.
- I already got one.
No, what you have is a look-away.
Try on the gabardines.
The hell's a gabardine? A shirt? A belt? Speak English.
You know, you're gonna have to learn these high-fashion terms if you're gonna be walking a red carpet with your famous wife.
Yeah, when they ask you, "Who are you wearing"" you don't want to say, "OshKosh B'gosh"" Oh, my B'gosh.
What do you think? You got a lot going on there, man.
Cowboy boots, leather jacket.
With an Indian headdress, you could be all the Village People wrapped up in one.
I'm not used to putting together outfits, okay? When I go shopping, it's usually for one thing.
And I try it on in the aisle, over my clothes, like a normal guy.
Well, those days are long gone, all right? You know, you're not plain old Mike Biggs anymore.
You're Mr.
Molly Flynn, the well dressed symbol of her success.
Yeah, it's true.
Behind every great man is a woman who spends all his money.
Are you man enough to be that woman? You know what, I might be.
You'll be the Stedman to her Oprah.
I wonder if he shops here.
Hell no, man, we're in Mervyns.
Here you go.
This usually helps me think.
Hot Dr Pepper and lemon.
Oh.
Luckily, I will not be needing that, because, as you can see by my board, I have figured out this whole time-travel direction change.
My crazy cousin had a wall just like this, except it was all about Bernadette Peters.
All right, I-I get it.
It's a it's a bit of a mess.
But, you know, it all really makes sense if you just follow the yarn.
I mean, her Okay, the green yarn is for her emotional journey.
The blue is for when she's going back into the past.
The yellow is when she's launching into the future.
And the red, the red is very good 'cause the red is the parallel journey that her lover is taking, but in the present.
So I mean, it's very easy-peasy, really.
One question.
Yeah.
Is that my good yarn? Yes, although I-I did not know there was such a thing as good yarn.
Why is she slutting her way through time anyway? Because she's trying to get back to her one true love.
So when she goes back, will she time-travel orgasm with him, or just fake it for the rest of her life? 'Cause I've lived that book with Mike's dad.
It's a very dry read.
I don't know.
I haven't gotten that far yet.
I-I think I'm gonna need some more yarn.
And does any orgasm do it? Say she backs herself onto a Jacuzzi jet where does that send her? Ew, Peggy.
Hey, this is your cockamamy story.
Not that my opinion matters, but I like what you had.
It was good writing, and it made sense.
Well, I did, too.
But apparently you're not supposed to have any of that if you're trying to make a phenomenon.
Well, good luck.
I'm gonna go take a bath.
If I disappear, don't use my good yarn to come looking for me.
Eh, what do you think? Hand-stitched calf leather, limited-edition Brando cut.
Wow.
You're a regular rebel without a treadmill.
Well, how do you like me now? I'd love to mock you, but, damn it, you can pull off a hat.
Hey, what are you doing home so early? What are you wearing? Not what, who.
Mervyn.
Why does everything have to change? Well, because Carl said my old clothes looked like a Goodwill bin threw up on me.
Mike, if there's anything I've learned today, it's to be true to yourself.
And you don't have to listen to other people.
Those other people's good ideas can might just have you looking like a big, crazy mess.
But the hat works, right? Boy, is that a one-way street.
You know, when she wears something I don't like, I lie and go, "I love it.
" What'd you say? You are beautiful.
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Of course! Anything for my new favorite author.
So, what's on your mind? Other than brilliant thoughts.
Oh, yeah.
Those little suckers are having quite a wrestling match up there.
That sounds exciting.
Oh, it's not.
Uh remember that idea you had about adding time travel into my book? Not "book.
" Phenomenon.
Oh, yeah, but it still has to be a book.
I, uh, eh I've been trying to wedge that bugger of a note in there.
And I'm realizing that it's kind of unraveling all the wonderful stuff I had written originally.
Really? It's just one note.
Yeah.
That changes everything.
Then what are you sitting here for? You've got a lot of work to do.
Oh.
Yeah.
Um look.
I-I appreciate everything you're doing for me, but I don't think I'm the person to write this.
I This should be in the hands of somebody that shares your passion and-and has a lot more yarn than I have.
Well, I believe you are that person.
Oh.
And I believe I am not.
Well, I am so sorry if I led you to believe for one moment that you had a choice.
What? I own you.
Bought and paid for.
Now, I don't want to hear another word or see you here again until your character has shagged her way to Fred Flintstone and back! Make it work! Your time's up.
Ooh.
Could I get, uh, one of those balls of water? Get my parking valid I'll just keep it.
I got it.
Hey, how'd it go with the publisher? Not so great, huh? He said he owned me.
Yeah.
You believe that? He owned me! Well, he can't say that.
Well, he can and he does.
As long as he's still paying me, I'm just his little typing monkey.
Ha! What is so funny? Oh I was just picturing a little typing monkey.
I'm an idiot! I mean, what did I think being a working writer was gonna be like? Well, you did buy that beret.
I know.
I ju I really did think it was gonna be deep conversations and, you know, Paris cafés and drinking absinthe with other Hemingway wannabes.
Instead you're sitting on a couch drinking a beer with the real deal Mike Biggs.
Not that I don't love you, but exactly.
If it makes you feel any better, I had that same kind of wakeup call when I first joined the force.
It was nothing like the movies.
What did you want? Like a French Connection? No.
Police Academy.
Those guys were hilarious and great at their job.
You know who had it made? Angela Lansbury.
The old lady from Murder, She Wrote? Uh, yeah.
She rode her bike all over Maine.
She only wrote during the day.
Solved mysteries at night.
God, she had it figured out! So, what are you gonna do? First, I'm gonna finish your beer.
And probably any others that are left in the house.
Then I'm gonna do what everybody else with a job does.
I'm gonna suck it up.
I'm gonna do the work.
All right.
But know that if you do decide to quit, all my fancy new duds can go back to Mervyns.
Except the hat.
Aw, you love your hat.
I do.
But more importantly, you know that weird sweat ring I leave on my pillowcase? The same thing happened in the fedora.
All right, all right.
Here we go.
We got this.
Mm-hmm.
Got that.
Okay.
Just plug my nose and dive right in.
She closed her eyes in ecstasy and awoke in Uh, the rope went down Oh 1776! Okay, 1776 it is! she heard the town crier.
Hear ye.
Hear ye! Mr.
Franklin! Mr.
Benjamin Franklin! At your service.
Please.
Don't be frightened.
And I know this may sound odd, but I need to tell you that I'm from from the future.
Now, I'm sure that this scares you to your core, but you need to understand that I'm not here to harm you.
In fact, I'm here to make love to you.
And when we do it, we need to do it well.
So well, in fact, that our lovemaking will send me forward into the future.
Exactly 238 years into the arms of my one true love.
All right, let's get rutting.
Wait, wait.
You're one of history's greatest scholars, a scientist and a statesman.
You're just gonna buy into this? Hey, don't look at me, lady.
You're the one writing this horse crap.
Just shut up and take off your pants.
Molly? Use your fingers.
So, how's our sexy sci-fi coming? Oh, chug, chug, chugging along.
Well, good.
Just know this your whole world is about to change.
You won't be able to walk down the street without someone pointing and saying, "There's the Timegasm lady"" Ah! And that's the thought that keeps me up at night.
Oh but, you know, but I I am having a bit of a dilemma.
And you're the smartest person that I know, so I've I've come to you for help.
Ah, they all do.
Oh.
It's in the writing.
Mm-hmm.
I've I've come across this character brilliant man, handsome.
I mean, almost beautiful.
Uh, born in England, studied at Oxford.
As did I.
No, you didn't.
Yes.
No, you didn't! Yes.
Oh, my! That's Gah! That's crazy.
I, uh You know what? It's funny.
'Cause now that you say that, and I'm looking at you and thinking about him, I'm You are very similar.
You're very well put together.
Very self-assured.
Is he tall? Oh! Yeah, I mean, yeah, he's got to be six what are you? Six-five.
Six five! Wow, so is he! I love it! Tell me more.
Oh, well, what can I say? I mean, every man wants him.
Every woman wants to be him.
Oh, I must tell you I'm obsessed with this character.
Oh, well, get in line! So am I.
Yeah, I mean, the the problem is that, you know, with this time travel element, she leaves and-and he gets left behind really early on.
And well, I'm just too stupid to figure out a way to fix it, so I'm sorry.
I'm going to pitch something crazy.
Oh.
How about we beef up this well-endowed gentleman and, uh, just pull back on the whole time travel element? Ooh, aah! Right? Wow! Uh tha-that's brilliant! Oh, my I mean, I Just going off of what you said, now I'm thinking can we just take that whole time thing and just get rid of it and lift the whole thing? Oh, my God! Why didn't I think of this? Because I'm ten steps ahead of you.
Oh, that's another character trait that you might want to add.
Oh, you know what? Mm-hmm.
Hey, hey! Has anybody seen an incredibly tall, dark, handsome man ten steps ahead of me? 'Cause I have! Of course, you know, it's a big change in direction.
I'd have to read some pages before I could make the decision.
Yeah, well, you could read some pages or you could just read the book.
You played me.
Like a big, British fiddle.
I both love you and hate you right now.
Oh, the feeling is very mutual.
Now, get me a ball of water and validate me.