Roseanne s05e09 Episode Script

Come on, D.
J.
It's not every day your mother opens a restaurant.
And you've got a really important job to do.
Oh, look.
It's veal boy.
I hate this.
I don't wanna pass out any stupid fliers.
She's just jealous.
Now you go out there and do us proud.
Remember, this was your mother's idea.
D.
J.
, D.
J.
Say "moo" for the camera.
Moo.
When he runs away, his picture on the milk carton's Gonna be very confusing.
He's not gonna run away.
He's much more likely to get beat up.
I'll be right back.
Jackie, what did you do with the napkins? What napkins? God, you did order napkins, didn't ya? No, 'cause I didn't know the exact right amount of napkins to order.
Great.
Now we have the exact right amount of napkins For zero sandwiches.
Anything would be better than that.
Hey, I have some kleenex in my purse.
Here, Darlene.
Go get some napkins.
I can't get napkins with 50 cents.
Yeah, you can.
You go down there to that chicken place And buy a soda and then steal all theirs.
Anything else you'd like? Spoons, forks, a chair? So, are we ready for the big grand opening? [all.]
yeah! Okay.
Let's do it.
Da! Da-da-da-da! Da-da-da-da! Yeah! All right! So, Jackie, I hope you remembered To buy the frame for our first dollar bill.
Yes, it's right there under the counter.
Was that such a good idea? I mean, shouldn't we re-invest it back into the business? Here it comes! Here it comes! This is our first dollar.
Hi.
Well, can we help you? Sure, i'd like a-- Wait, wait! Let me get in position.
Okay, go.
I'd like a cup of coffee.
No problem.
And? And, uh, cream.
And? AndThank you very much.
It's only That's gonna look lousy in a frame.
So, how about one of our nice loose meat sandwiches To go with the coffee? No, thanks.
Would you like a piece of pie? No.
A cookie? No.
Some gum? Okay, Roseanne.
All right.
We'll get it from the next customer.
No.
It's first customer, first dollar.
That's the way it goes.
Let it go, Roseanne.
Okay, that'll be 65 cents.
Uh, do you have a restroom? It's around the back.
That'll be [theme.]
Well, don't get used to my being home, Dan, Because I got stuck with the night shift again.
First mom calls in sick, Then Fisher calls over there to say he's sick, Then Jackie starts whining about her little snuffle bear And that made me sick, So I told her to go home.
So I get an hour off so I can come over here And make dinner for my family.
[beeping.]
Now what am I supposed to do with the other 56 minutes? [sighs.]
Dan! Say, Dan, are you even listening to me? Arnie, what the hell are you doing here? Dan, get out here and help me.
Dan! Oh, boy.
Calm down, honey! Why would you even let him into my house After the way he dumped Nancy? I couldn't help it.
He was whimpering And scratching at the back door.
Rosie, this is the last house I went to.
I went everywhere else I knew.
The lights were on, cars were in the driveway, but nobody was home.
It was really weird.
I was outside.
How could you tell Nancy that you were abducted by space aliens! There's not even a 12-step program for that! Call her off, Dan! Call her off! You gotta appreciate my situation here, arn.
She's my wife.
I gotta let her hurt ya.
I hear ya, buddy.
All right, I was a weasel to snake out on Nancy like that, But that marriage thing was harder than I thought, you know? One morning I woke up and I couldn't breathe.
There was this heavy weight on my chest.
It was Nancy.
She was trying to kill me.
So I got the hell out of there.
But listen, i'm back and I want to patch things up.
Well, Nancy happens to be really happy right now, So I don't want you to go screwing with her life.
She's not with another guy, is she? Well, no.
That's great, 'cause then i'm back in the saddle! Listen, Dan, i'm gonna go over there.
Do me a favor, smell me.
You can't just go over there, Arnie.
A lot of things have changed in this town since you were here last.
Like what? Like Nancy's a lesbian and we got a new lenscrafters.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Come again? Yes, Dan.
Glasses in less than an hour.
Nancy's gay? Our Nancy? Arnie's Nancy? Yes, and now marla's Nancy.
Nancy's dating Marla? Yowza! Hey! I'll bet that Marla's a lesbian, too.
All right.
I'll see your two and bump you two more.
Call.
I got a straight.
Straight, huh? A straight? Is that a crack about my ex-wife? Whoa there, big guy.
He didn't mean anything by it.
Sorry.
Beats me.
I just got a pair of ladies.
That's it! Come on! Now, relax, Arnie.
Sit down.
Nobody's judging you because your ex-wife's dating a woman.
Yeah, Arnie.
It could have happened to anybody.
Well, most people.
Oh, maybe just you.
Whose deal? All right.
Mine.
Well then, tell me something, guys.
You got your lesbians, right? [all.]
yeah.
How in the hell can a woman be satisfied By someone that does not have the right equipment? You can buy the equipment.
[imitates engine revving.]
[all laughing.]
Okay, okay.
I don't get that, But i'm telling you guys, she had no complaints.
I've had a lot of women fake it on me, and I can always tell.
Maybe that's it, arn.
Maybe you're just so darn good in the sack That you ruined her for other guys.
Nah.
Look, Arnie, you can't blame yourself.
She's probably always liked women.
So what are you saying, Ty? You saying i'm like a woman? That i'm womanly? Is that what you're saying? Oh, it's It's pretty ridiculous.
Right, guys? Are you in, betty? Yeah, and i'll raise you two.
Make all the jokes you want, guys.
I loved her, and it still hurts.
We'd still be together if I hadn't dumped her.
Sorry, arn.
Yeah, Arnie, we're all really sorry, And we all think you're really manly, don't we, guys? [all.]
aye, a manly man.
Arrgghh! Absolutely.
And, uh I'll see you two, and i'll bump you two more.
That's too rich for my blood.
I fold.
A real man wouldn't fold.
All right, I call.
What do you got? An eight.
Thank you, and be sure to tell all your friends.
Hey, I don't mean to bug you or anything, But it's getting to be, like, 9:00, And I need to close up now.
[english accent.]
can I have some more coffee? Well, like, all that's left is just sediment in the pot.
But hey, how about five or six packets of sugar To help you with your next drum solo? I said can I have some more coffee! Yeah.
Okay.
Calm down.
I'll get you some coffee.
I'm not doing anything, okay? You don't have to call anybody.
I wasn't gonna call anybody.
I'm just getting your coffee.
Okay, here.
I put it in a "to go" cup, you know, 'cause i'm sure you want to, you know, go.
[telephone rings.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
[ring.]
Why didn't you call me the minute this guy sat down? 'cause he didn't do anything when he first sat down.
I'm gonna drive around and look for this guy.
What did he look like? He just looked like a regular lunatic, you know? Could you be more specific? Yeah, okay, he looks like the kind of guy That darlene's gonna bring home And we're gonna have to call "son.
" You're not helping, Roseanne.
I gotta do something here, And I think it requires physical violence.
Would you just calm down, Dan? Just give me a minute to get myself together here.
Please get me a beer.
And when i'm done, i'll let you crush the can.
Man, you got women there alone.
I'd feel a hell of a lot better If you started closing before dark.
No, we'll just make sure there's always at least Two of us on each shift, okay? It'll probably never happen again.
You don't know that.
Would you consider getting a gun for the diner? Oh, there's a great idea.
A loaded gun in the same room with my mother and my sister.
What if they miss each other and they kill a customer? Then they'll have to reload.
Come on, Roseanne.
This is important.
We'll teach you how to use it.
No, forget about it.
No.
This is serious, Roseanne.
You gotta do something about this.
You gotta do it now.
What'd I do? Nothing.
Really? Your mother had a run-in with some creep at the diner tonight, And she won't listen to reason.
Are you okay? Yeah.
He didn't rob us or nothing.
He just kept wanting me to give him more coffee.
Mom That's a customer.
So Arnie came by my apartment last night.
He thinks he can win me back, Like i'm some big lesbian trophy.
I'd still like to know who told him I was gay.
Oh, I think Jackie told him.
The guy is unbelievable.
He even brings me some trashy lingerie.
Man, tacky underwear.
That's so Arnie.
Ugh! He is such a pig.
But it looks great on Marla.
Hey.
Hi.
I'd like a table with a view of the cute waitress, please.
Ha! Stupe.
What are you doing here? Hey! I got shoes.
I got shirt.
I want service.
I'll have the usual.
Well, i'm busy.
Would you rather have a sandwich? I think i'll start with drinks.
Perhaps a large orange, no ice.
And maybe some appetizers.
Are your chips good tonight? How long do you plan to be here on psycho patrol, Dan? Till closing.
That is just not possible, Dan.
Because if you sit here and watch me serving people food and cleaning up, Then that will take all the romance out of it when I do it at home.
If you're not gonna do anything about this, I'm gonna stay here and make sure you're safe.
It's my job.
It's what you pay me for.
I'm handling it, okay? See? See that sticker over there on the door? "this premises protected by the lantron security alarm systems.
" Where'd you get that? I stoled it.
I feel safer already.
You gotta go, Dan, or i'm gonna have to come over there And throw you out.
You're gonna throw me out? Come on, Dan.
I don't have time for your macho Robert De Niro crap.
Come on now.
You couldn't throw somebody out if you had to, woman.
Oh, you're so mature.
Jackie! Nancy! This creep giving you trouble, Roseanne? Yes.
He keeps insisting he's my husband And he won't leave.
Jackie, you get his legs.
Here, you got his arms.
I'll get the rest.
Uhh! Uhh! All right.
I got it.
Aah! Aah! Oh! Oh! Dammit, Roseanne.
You're not gonna know some maniac's special tickle spot.
Obviously, I do.
Okay.
Okay.
You don't want me here? I'm gone.
But you can't get rid of me that easy.
I'll be sitting out front in my car.
Man, is he stubborn.
I think I pulled something.
Oh, you know, he just means well.
He's worried about us, Wants to make sure we're all, you know, safe.
What are you doing? Oh, i'm just gonna get his car towed.
Aargh! Hyah! Hyah! Aaahhh-hyah! It's not that hard, Roseanne.
I took this self-defense class when I was on the force.
It's great.
Hyah! Yeah, i'm sure it will come in handy If i'm ever attacked by a crazed piece of plywood.
Wow.
I didn't know they turned this into a karate place.
Last time I was here it was 'taters, 'taters, 'taters.
Excuse me, ladies.
We're trying to put on a demonstration here.
Aaaahhh! Hyah! God, buy a saw.
With a mouth like that, you need self-defense.
Ordinarily, i'd get mad at that, But i'd hate for the last thing I ever see To be his forehead coming at me.
Don't worry about him, Roseanne.
That's not what we're gonna be studying.
This is what we're gonna be studying.
No! No! No! Wow.
Cool.
Now remember, we'll be simulating real attacks here.
So I want you to fight back as hard as you can.
Any questions? Yes? Rosie? When are you gonna bring out that guy in the suit? 'cause i'd like to kick that guy in the suit.
We'll get there very soon.
Okay.
Now, passivity is your worst enemy.
So the first thing we learn to do here is to say no to men.
You sure you took this class? This "no" gets you in touch with your power.
So what's the first thing you say To a man who wants to hurt you? [all.]
no! Good.
Very good.
All right.
I'd like to introduce our attacker for this evening.
His name is Fred.
[Roseanne.]
yay! [instructor.]
no, boo! [all.]
boo! The first thing we're gonna do is frontal attacks.
Any volunteers? Rosie? Okay.
Save some for me.
I'm gonna show you a simple way To take down a 220-pound assailant, all right? First thing I want you to do Is clump your fingers together like this.
Oh, yeah, I get it.
And then when he tries to guess what animal i'm making, I knee him in the crotch.
No, you're gonna use your fingers To strike your assailant in the eye.
No! Yeah, that's pretty cool.
Hey, could you do that to a guy that's still asleep, Or would that be unfair? Then after the eye strike, That's when I want you to knee him in the groin.
No! Don't worry.
He's well protected.
Now, the last step is a knockout blow.
When Fred takes you to the ground, I want you to kick him in the head Until he puts his hands in front of his face and I blow the whistle.
That means stop.
Okay.
You ready? Yeah.
All right.
Now, a lot of women find this very traumatic.
Your first instinct may be to panic, Stop breathing, even run.
So you just do the best you can.
Okay.
All right? All right.
Rosie is ready.
Hey, you! Hey! Ow! [instructor.]
hit him! Hit him! Kick him hard! Kick him! [blows whistle.]
[women cheering.]
Hey, that's fun.
Do you have a home version of that game? All right.
Let's talk about our attacker's vulnerable spots.
Yo, Nancy! Oh, god! Don't mean to bother you women, But I need to speak to that chick right over there real quick.
You want me to go kick him in the head for ya? Ugh! It won't make any difference.
I'll be right back.
Arnie, what the hell are you doing here? Why won't you talk to me, Nance? I'm gonna tell you one more time.
I'm gay.
It has nothing to do with you or your masculinity.
Of course it doesn't.
I'm still every bit the man I always was.
Last night, I beat up three guys in a topless bar to prove it.
I mean, you just don't get it.
It's about love, trust, and commitment.
What we had was not natural.
I can accept that, And I know that we won't get back together.
But that doesn't mean you and me can't, you know, Do it one more time, you know? Swine.
All right.
If it's about that Marla broad, You can bring her along.
Arnie! Okay, okay! Can I at least watch or something? You know, I wanna be in there somewhere! No! [women cheering.]
Come on out here, Dan.
I want you to see I can take care of myself.
Now get your butt out here.
Now, do you have on all your equipment? Yeah.
Like i'm gonna need it.
Okay, well, now go over there, And then when I tell you to, you're gonna come at me.
But I want you to really, really come at me.
Oh, come on, Roseanne.
I was all-district offensive lineman three years in a row.
Are you gonna bore me into unconsciousness Or are you gonna put on that hat? Oh, hurt me.
Okay.
Come on, Dan.
I'm ready for ya.
Come on.
What is that, a chicken? Ow! My eye! My eye! Ow! We're losing patience with you, human.
You were supposed to bring back the female specimen For breeding stock.
Yeah, well, she's not into that anymore.
Now we will have to cross-breed him With one of the other species.
How about the cactipoony? Cactipoony.
That sounds good.
I like a little variety.
Good idea.
We'll have the female defanged immediately.
Wait a minute, guys.
Wait.
I got even a better idea.
Why don't you give me a new mission? Why don't I go down there and mutilate some cows? Don't worry, human.
We have vastly improved our cross-breeding system Since the last time we tried to pollinate you.
Well, I hope so.
You gotta be a little more careful when you're pickin' my dates.
The last one, I had to put bags on two of her heads.
Michael, Michael, what are you doin'? I wasn't in enough scenes.
You aren't In this scene either.
Look, it's Arnie and the aliens.
I want to be an alien.
All right, guys, beat it.
Oh, geez.
Six hours of makeup for this? You know, you do look kinda like a little spock.
Don't ya? You know spock's-- do that.
Look like a little spock, don't ya? Hear about my new show? Um, a little bit.
What'd you hear? Good things? Yeah.
Like what?