Rules of Engagement s05e09 Episode Script

Your mother cut off your trust fund and had you evicted from your apartment? Yes.
Can you believe-- - it took her so long? - No.
You know whose fault it is? Curry Povich over here.
He's the one that talked her into it.
Her reasons are valid.
She's trying to help you grow up.
I don't want to.
Sir, the value of maturity is that-- All right, Russell.
Timmy had me look at your finances and, uh, the good news is you don't have a ton of expenses.
It's just mostly the three "c"s.
Uh, the three "c"s, sir? Uh, cocktails, condoms, and call girls.
I can't believe life's kicked me in the nard sack.
Life's not fair, princess.
I'm about to get my year-end bonus and it has nothing to do with job performance.
It's all about sucking up to the boss.
You could do that.
Yeah, just lumber in there with that big frankenstein head.
Rrr.
Me like boss.
Don't be scared.
Boss good.
How would you like to get thrown down a well? I don't play that game.
Kissing up's not my style.
Yes, your marriage proposal included the phrase "take it or leave it.
" You took it.
This is all so dreary.
I can't believe I have to cut back my expenses.
All right, my limo's here.
If you need me, I'll be at the plaza.
You're staying at the plaza.
We're supposed to be watching your finances.
That's why I don't order any room service.
I get all my food from that little fridge in my suite.
No, what I mean is we have to seek out more affordable accommodations for you.
So first thing tomorrow, we're checking you out of the plaza.
Oh Can it not be first thing? I kind of booked a spa morning.
This money's got me stressed.
How many ways to say I love you? how many ways to say that I'm not scared with you by my side there is no denying that I can't wait for me and you I got to say, I thought Swan Lake was gonna be a snooze-fest, but it was beautiful.
And how awesome was that guy who hunted the swan? Yeah, but I bet in real life, he'd rather hunt trouser snake.
I'm glad I purchased the series.
I am gonna go change into something more comfortable.
Yes.
Thank you, ballet.
Hey, babe.
Where are you? Almost there.
Yeah, you are.
Where did the other lady go? What other lady? Do you have those teeth-whitening trays in? Uh-huh.
I thought you were gonna get more comfortable, you know, like sex comfortable, like--like sex-fortable.
Oh, I didn't get that, but sure, I'm up for it.
You have those trays in your mouth.
I mean, I was hoping that area might be available for You know.
Well, I can't, but you can.
Great.
- Hey.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? Oh, I know schmoozing the boss isn't really your style, so I thought I'd do it for you.
That's nice, but, uh, I told you, uh, my bonus will be what it'll be.
Oh, come on, I'm not working.
This is a way I can help us Financially.
In that dress, there are a lot of ways that you could help us financially.
Let's have prostitution as our fallback position.
Come on, I know you're really good at your job, but I am really good at playing the game.
I'm witty.
I'm charming.
I'm a real people person.
I agree.
That is how you see yourself.
Anyway, we both know how Larry feels about women.
I mean, come on, it's a no-brainer.
All right, fine.
Make sure that you rub up against him.
If we're gonna do this, let's do it right.
Sir, what are you doing here? Uh, the plaza kicked me out.
Apparently, my mom cut off all my credit cards, and I was only using them for necessities.
You bought a cotton-candy machine.
I can't believe I ended up in this outhouse.
Where should I put my hats? Sir, I've never seen you wear a hat.
Well, then you've never seen me at the Kentucky derby or a gospel brunch.
How about here? Sir, you are absolutely not staying here.
Oh, Tim, I wish that were true.
Fine.
I'm going to find you a reasonably priced apartment.
In the meantime, please try not to pleasure yourself in my home.
I can't promise to try.
So even though I love baking, the cookie-business idea ended up being a big bust.
Oh, Audrey, you are a delight.
Bingham, you sack of crap, how did a horse's ass like you land such a pretty wife? Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, Jeff.
Hey, remember this? The two of you with me and Karen at the company booze cruise.
Karen is lovely.
You really hit the jackpot with wife number four.
- Five.
- Five.
Can you believe that picture? I looked horrible.
I didn't even know I could make that face.
Well, I wouldn't take all the credit.
Your friends, gin and tonic, did most of the heavy lifting.
Whoo-hoo.
This isn't funny.
I don't look like that.
I-I look like that.
That girl's got it going on.
Well, it does represent the other end of the spectrum.
I'd say that reality lies somewhere in the middle.
This is so embarrassing.
Everyone who walks into his office is gonna see me looking like nick Nolte's mug shot.
Oh, stop.
You look like Charlize Theron In monster.
Everybody knows how pretty you are.
Thank you.
Maybe I'm just being silly.
You are.
I mean, come on, would Jeff Bingham be married to a dog? I'm thinking I might start wearing a scarf.
Do you think I could pull off a scarf? Because I do.
Ah.
Oh.
Hey, Audrey.
Oh.
How can I help you, ma'am? I don't think I'm in the right apartment.
Is spirit here? Well, let me take a look-see.
I-I don't really know what I'm looking for.
Spirit's a photographer, and I'm supposed to be posing for a series of bodyscapes for her.
Ah.
Well, these bodies that are being scaped, might they be nude? Yeah.
The body is the art.
Exactly.
I've said that a million times.
Come on in.
Why don't you strip down to your art? And I'll go look for the chick with the camera.
Spirit! Spirit? So then she goes to get more comfortable, and she comes back looking Well, it was just a mess.
So you wanted makeup sex.
Oh, no, we didn't even fight.
No, not that makeup sex-- the kind where she's still hot in her makeup.
Yes, I want that.
I remember makeup sex.
When we were done, the pillow looked like someone used it to suffocate a clown.
But now right before bed, Audrey puts on this ratty old robe I refer to as "the shrinker.
" Oh, man, I got to talk to Jen.
Communicating in marriage-- rookie mistake.
I talked to Aud about "the shrinker," and it was swiftly replaced by another robe I refer to as "the termite.
" - "The termite"? - You know Destroys wood.
Oh, God.
Well, I mean, what can I do? - If you want makeup sex - Mm-hmm.
Don't let her out of your sight.
If she moves to a second location, it's over.
Okay, no second location.
Oh, hey So the robe that Audrey wore into the lobby the night that we had that fire alarm, was that "the termite"? No, no.
That was just "the shrinker.
" Dear God.
You guys will never believe the day I had with this chick from Timmy's building and her friends.
Check it out, a henna tattoo.
What is that symbol? Oh, it's the chinese word for honor.
And coincidentally, "honor" is where I hope to end up.
Ah So what, they're just a bunch of filthy hippies? I know, but here's the crazy part.
They're poor, but they're happy.
And their happiness comes without money or presents.
It comes without champagne or succulent pheasants.
Settle down, Mr.
grinch.
You know, sometimes the poor, struggling times are the most fun, you know.
There's just no pressure, no responsibility.
Well, that's it.
My poor, struggling times are gonna start right now.
By the way, do you know what bodyscaping is? Yeah, yeah.
My buddy Mike and I used to do it at the beach when we were kids.
I don't mean bodysurfing.
No, no, you mean taking artful pictures of each other's bodies.
Hey, Aud.
Oh, my handsome man is home from work, and here I am without any underwear.
Did you break the tv? - No.
- Oh, thank God.
So what happened? Did somebody die? Well, here's the thing.
I did something a little bit crazy.
After I saw you today, I kind of took a detour back into Larry's office.
And that's when the underwear came off.
You know, at a certain point, it's no longer just schmoozing.
No, he wasn't there, but I Sort of took this.
You stole a picture from my boss? I panicked.
I mean, maybe he won't even notice it's gone.
It's engraved from his wife.
It's got sentimental value At least until he starts putting it to his secretary.
I'm sorry.
Oh, if Larry finds out, there goes my bonus.
Okay, okay, I screwed up.
How can we fix this? Oh, now it's "we.
" Okay.
When we go out to dinner tonight, we'll go to my office.
We'll put it back.
Or We could just toss it out and hope he blames the cleaning lady.
That's a great idea.
That'll teach Rosalita to come to this country to make a better life for her children.
That was the cutest little restaurant.
I love it when you surprise me.
Mm-hmm.
So-- mmm.
All right, I'm gonna go and-- no, no.
No, no, no, no going.
Stay.
- Stay? - Yes.
You are going to stay right here.
We got a bottle of wine in the fridge.
I'm gonna go get it while you just sit there looking exactly like that.
A couple of glasses of vino, maybe we dim the lights, and Where'd you go? I'm just getting a little more comfortable.
No.
Stupid second location.
Ocean of tears.
That's heavy stuff, man.
A lot of tears in the ocean.
Hey.
I want you to feel my vibes later, okay? What on earth is going on here? Hey, if you don't like our jams, man, you can bounce.
Sir A word if I may, please.
All right, make it quick.
I'm really feeling these bongos.
Yours are next.
Sir I don't recall authorizing a douche convention.
Look, I know they smell like wet dogs, but they're fun.
I find them to be rude and severely lacking any sort of work ethic, and I expect you to get rid of them all.
Now, I'm going to go take a bath.
I wouldn't do that.
Spirit's kind of having a bad shroomer trip in there, and she thinks the toilet's the portal to another dimension.
Okay I'm comfortable.
Oh.
Your robe.
I like the coffee stain.
Is that new? No.
But what's underneath the robe is.
Sweet.
Did you go to the dirty-girl store? Mm-hmm.
I felt bad for the other night when I had my trays in, so I thought I'd make it up to you.
Well, that's terrific.
Nice outfit.
Oh.
What? Do you maybe want to brush your teeth? Oh, sure, yeah.
What--what is that, a milk mustache? Mm, no.
That's cream-filling chablis paste.
Oh, that's hot.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna go brush my teeth.
Oh, God.
You just spit oreo in my eye.
- I'm sorry.
- Cut it out.
You know what? Way to kill the mood.
No, Jen.
Oh, come on.
I-- Jeff totally owes me sex.
Okay.
I'm gonna run it in there.
You stand guard.
Watch my back.
Cover me.
Okay, g.
I.
Joe.
G.
I.
Joe was a brilliant man.
He never married.
It's go time.
- Joe.
- Larry You old sack of crap.
Why do you have my picture? Why do we have his picture? - It's a solid question.
- Well? The, uh--the truth is that, uh We were taking this picture to blow it up.
Boom! It was gonna be a holiday gift.
I do like that photo.
You know why? It makes your wife look so good? No, elective surgery's what makes my wife look so good.
This picture shows that this company is like a family.
It's about relationships.
Isn't that right, Bingham, you big, stupid monkey fart? When you're right, you're right, sir.
If I'm a betting man, and I am-- that's why wife number four left-- I'd say this was all Audrey's idea.
Well, yeah, if it wasn't for her, none of this would be happening.
So sorry the surprise is ruined.
It's such a bummer.
Oh, as far as I'm concerned, that blown-up picture is right in here.
Great.
So then we can just toss this one out.
Audrey, you are a hoot.
Bingham, you old road apple, that is one crazy gal you got there.
It's becoming a real problem.
all right, that's enough.
It's 3:00 in the morning, and I have to work tomorrow.
You all remember work, don't you? It's what pays for your unemployment benefits.
Whoa, whoa, who invited fox news? Yeah, what's your problem, narc? Russell's for real.
Yeah, narc.
Keeping it real is what Russell Dunbar's all about.
- Oh, mm.
- Dunbar? As in Dunbar industries? Oh, yeah, Franklin Dunbar-- that's my dad.
I work for him.
Are you kidding me? Franklin Dunbar is a greedy capitalist that only cares about status and consumption.
All the way to the bank.
Last month a Dunbar development destroyed our community garden to build a bunch of condos.
Oh, yeah, that was my project.
Oh, you're not the guy that chained himself to a tomato plant-- not a well-thought-out plot.
I can't believe I touched "the man.
" Barely.
Listen, let's chill out the bad vibes, all right? Let me express myself In verse.
Loser.
Your toenails Are disgusting.
Gay-- don't know it yet.
We're onto it.
Slightly annoying, probably shave nothing, still want to do ya.
No? Yes? No? Out, out, out.
Out.
Out.
Out.
Peew weew.
You're the worst.
Oh, well So much for my struggling times.
But I feel like I'm a better person for having gone through them.
I disagree.
All right, well Wake me early.
I've got a gospel brunch in the morning.
So why are you making me come up to your office? Well, I wanted to tell you that Larry gave me my bonus, and it did not disappoint.
Oh, that's great, hon.
You and the gals get an assist.
Oh, well, you're welcome from all of us.
But you could have told me that at home.
Yeah, but then you wouldn't have seen this.
Oh, my God.
Larry took the whole "blowing up the picture" idea and ran with it.
And seeing it like this, really not your best work.
What's not surprising is I look great, which You know, serves to highlight Well, you know.