Frasier s05e10 Episode Script

Ispecifically requested my macaroni and cheese al dente.
I know.
This lunch is a culinary Hindenberg.
Niles, our food may be payback for your recent editorial, Cafeteria of Shame.
They can't intimidate me.
They'll never silence my pen.
I could write an exposé on their baked goods alone.
Yes, this is the hardest roll since Hamlet.
- Good one, Frasier.
May I use it? - But of course.
These biscotti represent an all-time low.
Chalky aftertaste, inelegant aroma, spongy.
Spongy biscotti is an unwelcome trespasser into madeleine territory.
These pistachios are like swallowing gravel.
It's a wonder I've escaped injury.
Your ability to cheat death at every turn never ceases to amaze.
- Someone's in a mood.
- I'm sorry.
You know how you find yourself getting restless? I have a feeling I'm about to.
Hello? Yes.
Really? Bravo.
Eccellente.
Benissimo.
- You'll never guess who that was.
- The Three Tenors? No, that was my antique scout.
The present for Maris' birthday has arrived.
I got her the most exquisite antique saddle.
How does it look on you? You won't laugh when you see it.
It is bejewelled, but not overdone, like Maris.
The craftsmanship is breathtaking.
It's been so expertly restored, - you can barely see the stitching.
- Again, like Maris.
Someone is in a mood today.
I'll get this.
Thank you.
You'd better go to the wine club on your own tonight.
What? It'll just be the same old faces rehashing the same boring topics.
You are upset.
Let's get your mind off it.
Dinner? Chamber music? There's a wonderful lecture series on the history of modern lecture series.
I don't think so.
I feel like being on my own tonight.
- You don't mind, do you? - Of course not.
- I'll see you at Cucina tomorrow.
- We'd better play that by ear.
- As you wish.
- Are you upset? I'd have to have a fragile ego to be upset because you want time away from me.
Separate checks, please.
- Marty, we're getting hungry.
- It's coming.
Here we go.
Cold cuts, pizza rolls, devilled eggs, pork roll-ups.
Yes, the ideal buffet for a group of heavy-set men over 60.
I assume everyone's affairs are in order? We're about ready to start our poker game.
- I'll be on my way in a minute.
- OK.
- We're about ready to start - I heard you, Dad.
I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself.
Lately my old routine doesn't seem to satisfy me anymore.
Maybe I could join you and the guys for some cards? - I just don't think you'd fit in.
- Roz is playing.
Roz is one ofthe guys.
She knows more dirty jokes than Duke.
I could tell you a tale that'd make you blush like a schoolgirl.
- That's what I'm afraid of.
- Let him play.
It can't hurt anything.
- All right.
- Thanks, Dad.
Let me get that for you.
Guys, Frasier's going to sit in with us tonight.
- You're going to play with us? - Don't look so surprised.
Sometimes I enjoy a night with the guys.
OK, seven-card stud, high-low, - chips to win, the wheel is no good.
- Perfect.
- Three bump limit.
- Sounds good.
- You're lost, aren't you? - Like a Bedouin in a sandstorm.
You guys get your all-weather tyres on yet? I'm going to Richie's.
I'll let him do it.
- At Tim's you get free Armor All.
- You ever been to Hank's? Yeah, I've been to Hank's.
Right next to Mike's Hardware.
At Mike's they got those cordless drills.
You ought to try Tommy's.
Free battery testers with every purchase.
I'm out.
Thanks for the money.
- That was a bust.
- Be glad you got out before the debate over who'd be more fun on a desert island, Angie Dickinson or Ursula Andress.
That is ludicrous.
It's Angie Dickinson.
Dr Crane, I know it's none of my business, but Never mind.
No, go ahead.
Perhaps you're restless because of a lack of female companionship.
- So I thought - Oh, dear.
I'm meeting my friend Clare for drinks tonight and she's feeling restless also.
Stop right there.
You know my policy on fix-ups.
She's pretty, lonely, and an underwear model.
You do know my policy.
Offwe go.
Say hello to the Fox and Whistle.
You point her out, and I will.
- Give us a kiss.
- I hope he's talking to you.
- Evening, all.
- Daphne! - There's Clare now.
- She's everything you said she was.
- I'm engaged.
- And more.
- When did this happen? - My old boyfriend Bob surprised me.
You've got to meet him.
He brought someone you might be interested in.
He is nice looking, isn't he? Coming, Pookey.
It seems I've dragged you down here for nothing.
I would've missed seeing the world's most nauseating couple defend their title.
- We can leave ifyou like.
- No, you go talk with your friend.
- I'll have a drink.
- What do you need? I've been asking myselfthat all day.
- Seems that lately my life - I'll come back.
I forgot that story.
It doesn't top the time Leo and I broke up that fight in the strip joint.
We walked in there and there was this one girl who Marty, maybe you shouldn't tell that particular story.
- Because of Roz? - If I can handle the Angie-Ursula debate, I can handle this.
You agreed with me, right? You said you'd rather sleep with Angie.
One more time, Leo.
If I had to choose.
You start telling them that strip-joint story.
You guys will bust a gut.
Anybody else need a beer? Roz? - Remember? - I'm sorry.
I forgot.
Yeah.
Afraid you won't control yourself with all these handsome guys? Too late for that, Frank.
I'm pregnant.
What, really? That's great.
I remember when Annie was pregnant.
There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant broad.
Best thing I ever did was having kids.
From the moment you hold that brand-new baby in your arms, - your life changes.
- You're right about that.
What about when they grab your finger? That's the greatest feeling.
The joy of seeing them look up at you and smile.
- Cherish every moment, Roz.
- One minute they're on your lap.
Next thing they're out the door with lives of their own.
And it's just you, old and alone in an empty house.
So empty.
Leo, I don't think you told that story right.
- I think Steven likes you.
- I hope so.
He's adorable.
I was flattered he assumed I was an underwear model, too.
You didn't rush to correct him.
There'll be time for that after the wedding.
Maybe I should just tell Dr Crane to go home.
I'm surprised you broughtyour boss.
I could never relax around mine.
- What if he likes the place? - That's nothing I have to worry about.
This pub really isn't his style.
Daphne, sing a song with us.
You're not shy singing around the house.
You live together? - She's my dad's healthcare worker.
- You don't model underwear? Only if her robe's not cinched up tight enough.
Come on, Frasier, we're going to do Knees Up, MotherBrown.
I don't know that.
I know.
Let's bring sheet music tomorrow night.
Tomorrow? You can't.
I mean, do you know you have that gallery opening tomorrow? No, but ifyou hum a few bars, I'll try to pick it up.
Sherry, Daphne's clearing out for a night.
Why don't you come over? I'll get a fire going, open up a bottle of bubbly, put a little Bobby Darin on the stereo, and then "Look out, Macky's back in town".
I thought it up before I called you.
What's the difference? OK, see you soon.
Don't you look beautiful.
Thank you.
It's so nice to have my pub back again.
At least for a night.
- You are sure Dr Crane has plans? - He and Niles are going to the opera.
Let's hope it's a long German one.
I don't want him showing up for last call.
Good evening, Daphne.
You look smashing.
- I was just on my way out.
- To the Fox and Whistle? I'll come.
Let me just get me brolly and Bob's your uncle.
I thought you were going to the opera.
That's tomorrow night.
I hope Winston's at the pub.
I owe him five quid.
- I'm not feeling so well.
- Hope it's not flu.
- I think I'll stay home.
- That's for the best.
Got to be careful what you bring down to the pub.
Tell me about it.
- Hello, Niles.
- Frasier.
- Is something the matter? - Had a rough night last night.
How so? I gave Maris her birthday saddle.
She was so thrilled she treated me to a little Lady Godiva impression.
Apparently the oils in the saddle reacted badly with her cellulite cream.
It created a powerful epoxy.
Oh, dear.
It took an hour and a full bottle of nail polish remover to get her free.
Today her thighs were so raw the only way she could find comfort was to straddle a frozen Butterball turkey.
The only thing that cheered me up was the thought of the opera tonight.
- That's tomorrow.
- No, it's tonight.
- I have the tickets right here.
- Oh, no.
Is there a problem? Yes.
There's a billiard tournament at the pub tonight.
You're passing up Orpheus and Eurydiceto shoot pool at a sticky-floored saloon? My partner Terrence is skipping a family wedding just to participate.
- Can't somebody take my place? - I'd just as soon be by myself.
My brother has abandoned me.
My wife is cursing me.
When Orpheus descends into hell, I'll be waiting for him with a fruit basket.
You can't stay mad at me.
I'll make it up to you.
Press for the lift.
Don't look at me that way.
That's what they call it.
Ah, baby Why is it so bloody dark in here? Bad enough I have to stay home, I'm not going blind as well.
You're staying in? No choice since your son decided to go to my pub again.
Imagine being so dense that you can ruin someone else's evening and not even be aware of it.
This wax is dripping.
Have you tried maybe dropping a hint? Believe me, I've dropped plenty.
They go right over his head.
I'll have a glass ofthat.
I've got to level with you.
Sherry's coming over and I'd hoped to have the place to myself.
You ought to talk to Frasier, and I'm not saying this to get you out of here.
- Tell him to go find his own place.
- I can't say that.
The longer you let it go, the more attached he's going to get.
- But he's my boss.
- But it's your pub.
OK.
That's it.
I'm going to go talk to him.
Good for you.
Hello? No, Maris, sorry, you just missed him.
Why are your teeth chattering? You're kidding me.
Can't you just use the defroster? I never dreamed we'd be eliminated from the tournament in the first round.
Guess I was a little rustier than I thought.
- Maybe you can still make that wedding.
- It's in Liverpool.
Well, then, these are on me.
Hey, it's Daphne.
Hello, love.
Evening, all.
Dr Crane, I have to talk to you.
By all means, Daphne.
Winston, let's have one of these pints for Miss Moon, please.
This is a nice surprise.
You must be feeling better.
Here we are.
You make a toast.
I don't want you coming down here ever again.
I guess "Here's mud in your eye" sounded mean the first time, too.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I don't know what else to do.
This is where I come to get away from things, including my job, - and you are my boss.
- Daphne, I am so sorry.
- I know that must sound selfish.
- No, not at all.
You know, back in Boston I had a bar like this one.
I certainly understand what it's like to have a place where you can get away.
So, we've just got one solution.
This is your bar.
I'll just go.
I do appreciate this, Dr Crane.
I know you've made friends here, too.
But you've got a history here.
They've become like family to me.
I'll just settle up and go.
Hey, stranger.
I've not been gone that long.
Two months is all.
- Who's this new girl? - Daphne, Clare's friend.
- Been coming in the last month.
- A month? Hello.
I'll see you at home, Dr Crane.
- You've only been coming here a month? - That's longer than you.
There's no way I'm leaving now.
This bar has filled a void.
I won't throw that away because you beat me here by a fortnight.
Stop talking like us.
I don't know what you're arguing about but we settle things round here with a quick game of cricket.
- Darts? - Yeah, rules are on the board.
- There's got to be a better way.
- Well, I don't know.
It's decisive.
It's better than bickering.
- It's not exactly my game.
- It's not mine either.
- All right, let's try it.
- You shoot first, Daphne.
I'm proud of us.
Two people with a conflict.
We found a civilised way to settle it.
Oh, my.
- Is that good? - Quite good.
Lucky shot, then.
If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to hustle me.
Not at all.
I may have played a game or two offeathers in my day.
A game or two? You made the most difficult shot on the entire board.
Actually, that's only the second most difficult.
That's the most difficult.
Come to think of it, there might have been a dartboard in that bar in Boston.
Look at that.
It's all tied up.
Who would've guessed those hands were so skilled? Certainly no one who's sampled your corned beef hash.
I score again.
That's not something we hear out ofyour mouth very often.
You don't want to rush this one.
- A lot riding on this.
- There's such a thing as sportsmanship.
Really? This from a woman who made armpit noises during my last round.
Sod! I am sorry, Daphne.
Now all I have to do is make this relatively simple shot, - unless you'd like to concede defeat.
- Typical American arrogance.
We Brits don't know the meaning of the word defeat.
Then you're not acquainted with a spat called the Revolutionary War.
Out of my way.
Just like a Yank.
Insulting us Brits to cover up your inferiority complex.
What should we feel inferior about? Your pioneering work in the field of soccer hooliganism? Say your worst.
There isn't as much dignity in this entire country - as our queen's got in her finger.
- You've bested me there.
What's more dignified than a dowdy sandbag with a flower pot on her head? I win.
The bar is mine.
Lose the long faces, lads.
I'm staying.
I hope you didn't take those barbs about the motherland seriously.
- Perhaps you'd better leave now.
- There's no greater Anglophile than l.
No, really, I have all my suits made at Savile Row.
I spell "colour" with a "u".
Hello, Niles.
Well, look who's here.
Take a wrong turn on the way to the pub? Actually, that scene has grown tiresome and I miss this place.
I've spoken to Daphne.
I take it it's over "over there"? You don't have to rub it in.
Anyway, I know I owe you an apology from the other night, so, here.
I brought you a peace offering.
Orpheus and Eurydice.
Thank you, Frasier.
The Glyndebourne production.
I don't have this one.
The Chorus ofthe Furies is particularly moving and Janet Baker is quite simply the best contralto solo I've ever heard.
Thank you, Frasier.
I don't have Orpheus and Eurydice on eight-track yet.
But I'm surprised to see you.
No woodworking club today? To tell you the truth, I've grown tired of that crowd with their stupid bookends and birdhouses.
As soon as I shellac my shoetrees, I'm out of there.
- You got thrown out.
- I did not.
- I can see through you.
- Are you a psychiatrist? No, but I can see it in your face.
You got kicked out.
Don't be ridiculous.
Why would they throw me out?