Roseanne s05e10 Episode Script
Good Girls, Bad Girls
[phone ringing.]
Hello.
[Roseanne.]
Hi, Becky.
Um, somethin' came in the mail for you today.
Okay.
Well, why don't you open it And if it's anything important just call me back later, okay? Well, hang on.
This'll just take a minute.
Hurry! Hey, Becky, you got some really good coupons here.
Here's 2 bucks off your dry cleaning.
Free sprinkles on your yogurt cone.
Listen, mom, why don't you keep that? [Roseanne.]
are you sure, Becky? I mean, this is a $5 value here.
You could use 'em when you come down.
No, really, please.
Take them, I want you to have them.
[Roseanne.]
well, okay then, suit yourself.
Okay, see you later, bye.
This has got to be some kind of a record.
Not again, really? Yeah.
Every single time I call over there.
It's so romantic, all that passion, when you have To make love every minute of the day.
Oh, look at how cute the family circus is today.
I'm gonna have to call Becky and tell her.
[thunder booming.]
Your ideas bite.
Hey.
Your ideas bite, ma'am.
Your ideas bite, ma'am.
What happened? Didn't you sell any candy bars for the woodchucks? Not even one.
Now i'll never win the prize.
What happened to the umbrella? I stuck it in the door like you told me, But they slammed the door anyway.
Then this dog came.
We had a big tug-o-war And I fell back into a big puddle And some lady took a picture.
Oh, well, gee, i'm sorry, honey, you know? But, well, money's kind of tight right now And if you're gonna go around selling a 50 cent Nut cluster bar for 3 bucks you're gonna have to have an angle, you know? I think you need to be more pitiful.
Do they know who your family is? [doorbell rings.]
Now go upstairs and dry up.
[thunder crashing.]
Hi, charlotte.
Hey, Mrs.
Conner.
I hope i'm not interrupting anything.
No.
I just got this wife and mother thing going on.
Boy, you're soaked.
Yeah.
Um, Molly was supposed to leave the keys in my locker And she didn't, so i'm kinda locked out.
Oh, gee, um, I used to have an extra key But I gave it back to your dad.
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh, that's okay.
Well, thanks anyway.
I'm just gonna go wait outside.
Oh.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Oh, Charlotte? Yes? Is it still raining out there? Oh, yeah, hard.
Well, okay, bye.
Bye! Hey, Charlotte? Yes? Would you please get your butt back in this kitchen? Yes.
I can't believe that you actually were gonna go stand Out there in the pouring rain Instead of just asking if you could hang out here for a while.
Yeah, I just didn't want to bother you.
Is that meatloaf you're making? Yeah, well, we'll call it that.
I always put extra yolks in mine, you know, it's my special recipe.
You're 17, you shouldn't have a meatloaf recipe.
Go get something pierced.
You know, if you don't mind, I love to cook.
Yeah? Well, so do I, butYou are the guest.
Hey.
Hey, Darlene, i'd like you to meet my new daughter.
Oh, mom, don't make me share your love.
[Molly.]
hello? Hi, come on in.
Good thing you're here.
We need a salad, too.
Charlotte, there you are.
Guess what? You forgot to leave the keys? I'm sorry.
I had to get in line for daisy chainsaw tickets.
I can't believe you got them.
You did not.
I did too.
Oh, those are like impossible to get.
I didn't think there'd be any left.
Wait a minute, you and I actually like the same band? Yeah, well, you know.
Don't spread it around.
Don't worry, i've got a reputation too.
Yeah, and the cold sores to prove it.
Girls.
What? I'm serious about that salad.
Boy, you think you'd be nice to somebody with an extra ticket.
You got an extra ticket? Yeah.
Do you want to go? Are they really, really good seats? Tenth row, center.
I'm there.
Ah, just a minute, where is this concert at? It's at the arena, in Rockford.
No way.
Forget about it.
Well, you're not really gonna keep me from going, are you? I mean, come on, i'm 16 years old.
Well, that was gonna be my point.
I don't believe this.
Molly's dad is letting her go.
Well, great.
Then you've got somebody who'll bring you back a t-shirt.
Oh, this is so unfair! Why don't you trust me? Because i've seen your work.
I seem to remember a little incident last year With you sneaking off to Chicago And me groundin' you untilWhat are you doin' out of your room? Well, that's 'cause I didn't tell you.
This time i'm telling you.
Look, I know your children haven't behaved perfectly in the past, But at some point you're gonna have to trust one of them.
Okay.
Molly, you want to take D.
J.
To the concert? Oh, come on, i'm serious.
And that chicago thing was over a year ago.
I haven't cut school once since then.
And with Becky out of the house, I've had a lot more to do around here and i'm doing it.
I'm trying really hard and it doesn't seem to matter to you.
And might I add, your hair looks particularly lovely today.
One more word and you're not going.
All right, yes! No, we have to check with your dad And make sure he says it's okay.
Oh, he will.
You can convince him.
Yeah, maybe I'll try that "particularly lovely hair" bit on him.
Thanks, mom.
I can go.
Cool.
Thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
I'll pay you half now and half when I actually see the band.
Gee, Charlotte.
You wanted to go to that concert too, didn't you? No, not really.
Well, I could still tell Darlene that she can't go.
No.
It wouldn't be fair.
Well, hey, i'm unreasonable all the time And Darlene would never know the difference.
No, really, i'm fine.
Okay, well, if you're ever sittin' over there And you're lonely or something, you know, You're welcome to come over here and hang out any time.
Thanks.
That's really nice, Mrs.
Conner.
Roseanne.
Well, Dan will be home in a couple of minutes.
We better hurry and get that dinner done.
Oh, yeah.
No, Becky, don't you get it? Marmaduke is too big for that small car.
Well, sorry for botherin' ya.
Bye.
Think she'd learn to take it off the hook by now.
That damn pooch.
[laughing.]
Woof! How many of those did D.
J.
Soak you for? I haven't bought, I'm just browsing.
What time did we tell Darlene to be home? After the concert.
That's very vague, dear.
Would that be a month after the concert? Do I really have to go through this again with you, Dan? Okay.
The concert lets out at 11, I told her to come straight home, So she'll probably be here by midnight.
It's an hour and a half drive from Rockford.
Not the way Molly speeds.
And, you know, after she's had a couple of drinks in her I'm serious, honey.
I can't believe we let her go to that rock concert by herself.
She's not by herself, Dan, and she's 16.
We can't just lock her up.
Hey! We got a basement! Now, Dan, come here.
Darlene is out for the night.
D.
J.
's sleepin' at mom's.
Nothing good on tv.
Come over here.
Why, Miss Conner, you're my boss.
I thought we had a strictly professional relationship.
Oh, I just can't help myself, danny.
Oo, the way you make my coffee, The way you walk out of a room.
Oo, I know why you wear these skin-tight overalls.
I'm beginning to think you didn't hire me for my typing skills.
Hold my calls.
[knock on door.]
Ah, fix your face! Oh, hi, Charlotte.
Hey, Roseanne, i'm sorry to bother you.
That's okay.
Thanks.
What do you need? Um, i'm doing a book report for school and the library's closed And I noticed that you guys have encyclopedias.
We do? Yeah, Dan, don't you remember? We got a through s and then we had to switch grocery stores? Right.
Then we got shop-and-save's Parade of presidents, but we had to stop at lincoln 'cause of that bad check thing.
But if you need any bicentennial dishes, We have everything except for the salad plates.
Oh, that's okay.
Thanks.
I guess i'll just go.
You sure? Yeah.
Hey.
Let's try somethin', Charlotte.
Right after I finish talking, Then you say something back right away.
My dad's working the night shift and molly's out with Darlene, And I've never been alone in a new house before And, um, I made you some snacks.
Well, you know I told you you could come over and hang out any time.
You don't have to bring food every single time you come over here, Just you is enough, got it? Yes.
Oh no.
Rice krispy treats.
Over here! Come on, Molly! Let's go, it's getting late.
So cute.
Which one do you want? The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
Come on, will you lighten up? Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks.
Now, can we get out of here? It's been, like, an hour and a half.
Well, it's my car and i'm not ready to go.
I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay? Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers.
Shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
So, you guys comin' or what? Well, i'm definitely gonna go, but Darlene here's kinda shy.
Look, we don't have to go anywhere, I got a couple of joints in the van.
Yeah, Darlene, you look like a real partier.
Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
I'm going without you.
I'm not standing in this parking lot alone.
Give me the keys and I'll drive home.
Let sean drive you home.
Yeah, I'll drive you home.
Oh, god.
Look, just 15 minutes, I promise.
So, Darlene, do-- Just stop right there, ponyboy.
You and the rest of your outsiders can go rumble someplace else.
Look.
I apologize for my friend.
I mean, he's a real jerk.
I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van you hardly even know.
So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.
Oh, man.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after-school special.
Yeah, gil, they're in a blue '83 celica.
It's Darlene and another girl, Molly Tilden.
No, we haven't been able to get in touch with her father yet.
What was Molly wearing? Oh, uh, a black miniskirt.
Black miniskirt.
And, uh, this half-shirt.
A crop-top.
And, uh, a sweater she always wears when she goes out to get guys.
Guy-gettin' sweater.
Who the hell is she talkin' to? Well, gee, it's 4 in the morning, I think she's ordering a couple of things from spiegel catalog.
Get her off the phone.
Darlene could be trying to call through.
Charlotte, go home and check your answering machine again.
Yes, sir.
I'm goin' back outside.
I want to stand in the middle of the street where the first thing She'll see when she pulls up is my head exploding.
Gil gets accident reports from all the hospitals.
He hasn't heard anything.
God, where could they be? I'm gonna go out and drive around a little.
I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Car might have broken down.
They might have pulled off the road somewhere And could be wandering down some deserted highway Looking for anybody to pick 'em up.
I'll go look.
Something happen? You hear something? No.
Don't.
You said, "let her go.
" I said don't.
She could be out there, god knows where, God knows what happened to her.
This never would have happened if you would have listened to me.
go to no rock concert.
Yeah, you're right, Dan, only middle-aged couples should go to rock concerts.
You're not off the hook for this.
You let her go all the way to rockford.
You let her do whatever the hell she wants, and this time I don't even want to think about this time.
So why don't you just go ahead and say it.
Go on, just say it.
I'm a lousy mother, there, do you feel better? Yeah, maybe this time somethin' will happen to her and then you can be lord, god, king right.
Yeah, Roseanne, that's exactly what i'm lookin' for.
I want-- Don't even bother yelling at me because no matter How mad you are, you're nowhere near as mad as I am.
Well, don't bet on it! Where in the hell have you been? Trying to get home.
That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot So she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.
I finally had to wave down a cab.
I don't care what your story is.
The rule is you call.
It was a bad neighborhood.
When I finally found a phone booth I got tired Of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
Look, I know I should have called but I just wanted to get home.
You expect us to believe that? Well, if you don't, just go ask the cab driver.
He's waiting outside for his 75 bucks.
Oh, man.
The grocery money is on top of the fridge.
What were you doing talkin' to some guys in a van? It wasn't me, it was her.
I told you that.
Right, she deserted you.
What, you don't believe that Molly would desert me? Why, because she's so sweet and cute and says,"please," and, "thank you, ma'am"? No.
Because she doesn't have a history of lying to me like you do.
That was Charlotte, she just heard from Molly.
Darlene, you'll be relieved to know that right now you're in molly's car Driving back with her and you'll be home safe in about an hour.
I'll accept your apology over eggs and french toast in the morning.
Or, you know, you could just ground me and that'd be okay too.
Why does she buy this brand of waffles? I hate these waffles.
Well, you know you could solve that problem by having breakfast in your own house.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, well, for a guy workin' the night shift you're up pretty early.
Or awful late.
Care for a nightcap? Yeah, in a minute.
We, uh, got somethin' to clear up first, right? Come on, let's go.
Um, i'm really sorry about last night, And I hope you're not mad at Darlene for comin' home so late.
'cause it was all my fault.
Apology accepted.
We're just thankful everybody's okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs and apologize to Darlene.
Ah, man, daughters.
They ought to come with a handbook.
Yeah, so you can smack 'em with it.
You know, Dan, look at me.
I'm workin' all the time.
These kids don't have a mother.
I mean, it's gettin' tough.
Charlotte, she's a dream, but Molly, she's a real handful.
Real handful.
That's one way of puttin' it.
Well, i'm just really glad that guard let her go back To the building to get her purse.
I'm not sure Darlene told me about that.
Well, Darlene got tired of waiting, so she left for home.
And I tell you, I don't blame her, because if you go somewhere with Molly, She always leaves something behind And it takes about a year for her to find it.
Wow.
A less trusting parent might think you could drive A van through the holes in that story.
Well, they don't know my daughter.
I do.
Well, I guess.
Now listen, sometimes you gotta give your kids the benefit of the doubt.
Nah, you give murderers the benefit of the doubt.
These are your kids.
Dan, I trust my kids and all i'm hopin' for is I raised 'em right, So they do right, that's it.
Whatever works.
Why don't you go home and get some sleep? Sleep? Ha ha.
And i'll get started on that early grave for you.
Do you believe that? That kid's got him totally snowed.
Man.
Makes you realize, there but for the grace of god goes Well, some parent with good kids.
Well, we can't leave it like this.
What are you gonna do? I know exactly what i'm gonna do.
Rosie? Look, I can't believe you won't cover for me.
I just want to get our stories straight.
Okay, let's see.
You were smoking pot in a guy's van while I was stranded in a dark parking lot in rockford.
Okay, let's go tell your dad.
Come on, my butt's on the line here.
Won't you even listen to me? No, we spent enough time in life together, we're done now.
You didn't tell your parents what really happened, did you? Most of it.
My mom never would have bought That "I lost my purse" crap anyway.
Oh, I don't know, try me, i'm not as good when I haven't slept.
Hi, Mrs.
Conner, I'm really sorry about-- No you're not! But you will be.
Darlene, out! In a minute.
I seem to have misplaced my purse here Darlene.
Out.
Sit down, Molly.
Look, I know what Darlene told you.
Let's just cut the crap, okay? You're talkin' to Darlene's mother here, The mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad! Now maybe your father's too busy to see what you're trying to get away with, But don't even waste that story on me.
It wasn't a story.
Molly, Molly, Molly.
I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Why are you raggin' on me? 'cause that's what I do.
I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, But doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you All I want and I don't have to buy you a car.
Yeah, that's right, 'cause you're not my mother.
Fine.
Since i'm not your mother then, i'm not gonna tell you How stupid it is to get into some stranger's van And i'm also not gonna tell you how terrible things Happen to stupid little girls like you every single day.
I don't have to listen to this.
Oh, but I think you do! Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care.
But when you leave this house with a conner kid, You're gonna be extra careful, 'cause Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
I get it, okay? Okay.
AndYou are gonna pay me back for Darlene's cab ride home.
Yes, I'll pay you back.
Yeah, you're damn right you will, 'cause you're gonna Work it off washing dishes at the diner, All 150 bucks of it.
Woof! That damn dog! Was that the last candy bar? Yeah, that's the last one.
Well, I guess maybe D.
J.
Won that prize after all.
Oh, great, he sold them all? Well, if that's the last one, where else would they go? Did you eat any? Couple.
Yeah, well I ate a couple.
Darlene ate a couple.
Jackie's having her period.
Well, I guess at 3 bucks a pop we bought D.
J.
A $60 woodchuck pencil case.
Woof.
Well, but Hey, let's not waste that chocolate buzz.
[clapping.]
woof.
Hello.
[Roseanne.]
Hi, Becky.
Um, somethin' came in the mail for you today.
Okay.
Well, why don't you open it And if it's anything important just call me back later, okay? Well, hang on.
This'll just take a minute.
Hurry! Hey, Becky, you got some really good coupons here.
Here's 2 bucks off your dry cleaning.
Free sprinkles on your yogurt cone.
Listen, mom, why don't you keep that? [Roseanne.]
are you sure, Becky? I mean, this is a $5 value here.
You could use 'em when you come down.
No, really, please.
Take them, I want you to have them.
[Roseanne.]
well, okay then, suit yourself.
Okay, see you later, bye.
This has got to be some kind of a record.
Not again, really? Yeah.
Every single time I call over there.
It's so romantic, all that passion, when you have To make love every minute of the day.
Oh, look at how cute the family circus is today.
I'm gonna have to call Becky and tell her.
[thunder booming.]
Your ideas bite.
Hey.
Your ideas bite, ma'am.
Your ideas bite, ma'am.
What happened? Didn't you sell any candy bars for the woodchucks? Not even one.
Now i'll never win the prize.
What happened to the umbrella? I stuck it in the door like you told me, But they slammed the door anyway.
Then this dog came.
We had a big tug-o-war And I fell back into a big puddle And some lady took a picture.
Oh, well, gee, i'm sorry, honey, you know? But, well, money's kind of tight right now And if you're gonna go around selling a 50 cent Nut cluster bar for 3 bucks you're gonna have to have an angle, you know? I think you need to be more pitiful.
Do they know who your family is? [doorbell rings.]
Now go upstairs and dry up.
[thunder crashing.]
Hi, charlotte.
Hey, Mrs.
Conner.
I hope i'm not interrupting anything.
No.
I just got this wife and mother thing going on.
Boy, you're soaked.
Yeah.
Um, Molly was supposed to leave the keys in my locker And she didn't, so i'm kinda locked out.
Oh, gee, um, I used to have an extra key But I gave it back to your dad.
Sorry.
Oh.
Oh, that's okay.
Well, thanks anyway.
I'm just gonna go wait outside.
Oh.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
Oh, Charlotte? Yes? Is it still raining out there? Oh, yeah, hard.
Well, okay, bye.
Bye! Hey, Charlotte? Yes? Would you please get your butt back in this kitchen? Yes.
I can't believe that you actually were gonna go stand Out there in the pouring rain Instead of just asking if you could hang out here for a while.
Yeah, I just didn't want to bother you.
Is that meatloaf you're making? Yeah, well, we'll call it that.
I always put extra yolks in mine, you know, it's my special recipe.
You're 17, you shouldn't have a meatloaf recipe.
Go get something pierced.
You know, if you don't mind, I love to cook.
Yeah? Well, so do I, butYou are the guest.
Hey.
Hey, Darlene, i'd like you to meet my new daughter.
Oh, mom, don't make me share your love.
[Molly.]
hello? Hi, come on in.
Good thing you're here.
We need a salad, too.
Charlotte, there you are.
Guess what? You forgot to leave the keys? I'm sorry.
I had to get in line for daisy chainsaw tickets.
I can't believe you got them.
You did not.
I did too.
Oh, those are like impossible to get.
I didn't think there'd be any left.
Wait a minute, you and I actually like the same band? Yeah, well, you know.
Don't spread it around.
Don't worry, i've got a reputation too.
Yeah, and the cold sores to prove it.
Girls.
What? I'm serious about that salad.
Boy, you think you'd be nice to somebody with an extra ticket.
You got an extra ticket? Yeah.
Do you want to go? Are they really, really good seats? Tenth row, center.
I'm there.
Ah, just a minute, where is this concert at? It's at the arena, in Rockford.
No way.
Forget about it.
Well, you're not really gonna keep me from going, are you? I mean, come on, i'm 16 years old.
Well, that was gonna be my point.
I don't believe this.
Molly's dad is letting her go.
Well, great.
Then you've got somebody who'll bring you back a t-shirt.
Oh, this is so unfair! Why don't you trust me? Because i've seen your work.
I seem to remember a little incident last year With you sneaking off to Chicago And me groundin' you untilWhat are you doin' out of your room? Well, that's 'cause I didn't tell you.
This time i'm telling you.
Look, I know your children haven't behaved perfectly in the past, But at some point you're gonna have to trust one of them.
Okay.
Molly, you want to take D.
J.
To the concert? Oh, come on, i'm serious.
And that chicago thing was over a year ago.
I haven't cut school once since then.
And with Becky out of the house, I've had a lot more to do around here and i'm doing it.
I'm trying really hard and it doesn't seem to matter to you.
And might I add, your hair looks particularly lovely today.
One more word and you're not going.
All right, yes! No, we have to check with your dad And make sure he says it's okay.
Oh, he will.
You can convince him.
Yeah, maybe I'll try that "particularly lovely hair" bit on him.
Thanks, mom.
I can go.
Cool.
Thanks, Mrs.
Conner.
I'll pay you half now and half when I actually see the band.
Gee, Charlotte.
You wanted to go to that concert too, didn't you? No, not really.
Well, I could still tell Darlene that she can't go.
No.
It wouldn't be fair.
Well, hey, i'm unreasonable all the time And Darlene would never know the difference.
No, really, i'm fine.
Okay, well, if you're ever sittin' over there And you're lonely or something, you know, You're welcome to come over here and hang out any time.
Thanks.
That's really nice, Mrs.
Conner.
Roseanne.
Well, Dan will be home in a couple of minutes.
We better hurry and get that dinner done.
Oh, yeah.
No, Becky, don't you get it? Marmaduke is too big for that small car.
Well, sorry for botherin' ya.
Bye.
Think she'd learn to take it off the hook by now.
That damn pooch.
[laughing.]
Woof! How many of those did D.
J.
Soak you for? I haven't bought, I'm just browsing.
What time did we tell Darlene to be home? After the concert.
That's very vague, dear.
Would that be a month after the concert? Do I really have to go through this again with you, Dan? Okay.
The concert lets out at 11, I told her to come straight home, So she'll probably be here by midnight.
It's an hour and a half drive from Rockford.
Not the way Molly speeds.
And, you know, after she's had a couple of drinks in her I'm serious, honey.
I can't believe we let her go to that rock concert by herself.
She's not by herself, Dan, and she's 16.
We can't just lock her up.
Hey! We got a basement! Now, Dan, come here.
Darlene is out for the night.
D.
J.
's sleepin' at mom's.
Nothing good on tv.
Come over here.
Why, Miss Conner, you're my boss.
I thought we had a strictly professional relationship.
Oh, I just can't help myself, danny.
Oo, the way you make my coffee, The way you walk out of a room.
Oo, I know why you wear these skin-tight overalls.
I'm beginning to think you didn't hire me for my typing skills.
Hold my calls.
[knock on door.]
Ah, fix your face! Oh, hi, Charlotte.
Hey, Roseanne, i'm sorry to bother you.
That's okay.
Thanks.
What do you need? Um, i'm doing a book report for school and the library's closed And I noticed that you guys have encyclopedias.
We do? Yeah, Dan, don't you remember? We got a through s and then we had to switch grocery stores? Right.
Then we got shop-and-save's Parade of presidents, but we had to stop at lincoln 'cause of that bad check thing.
But if you need any bicentennial dishes, We have everything except for the salad plates.
Oh, that's okay.
Thanks.
I guess i'll just go.
You sure? Yeah.
Hey.
Let's try somethin', Charlotte.
Right after I finish talking, Then you say something back right away.
My dad's working the night shift and molly's out with Darlene, And I've never been alone in a new house before And, um, I made you some snacks.
Well, you know I told you you could come over and hang out any time.
You don't have to bring food every single time you come over here, Just you is enough, got it? Yes.
Oh no.
Rice krispy treats.
Over here! Come on, Molly! Let's go, it's getting late.
So cute.
Which one do you want? The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
Come on, will you lighten up? Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks.
Now, can we get out of here? It's been, like, an hour and a half.
Well, it's my car and i'm not ready to go.
I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay? Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers.
Shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
So, you guys comin' or what? Well, i'm definitely gonna go, but Darlene here's kinda shy.
Look, we don't have to go anywhere, I got a couple of joints in the van.
Yeah, Darlene, you look like a real partier.
Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
I'm going without you.
I'm not standing in this parking lot alone.
Give me the keys and I'll drive home.
Let sean drive you home.
Yeah, I'll drive you home.
Oh, god.
Look, just 15 minutes, I promise.
So, Darlene, do-- Just stop right there, ponyboy.
You and the rest of your outsiders can go rumble someplace else.
Look.
I apologize for my friend.
I mean, he's a real jerk.
I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van you hardly even know.
So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.
Oh, man.
I feel like I'm in the middle of a really bad after-school special.
Yeah, gil, they're in a blue '83 celica.
It's Darlene and another girl, Molly Tilden.
No, we haven't been able to get in touch with her father yet.
What was Molly wearing? Oh, uh, a black miniskirt.
Black miniskirt.
And, uh, this half-shirt.
A crop-top.
And, uh, a sweater she always wears when she goes out to get guys.
Guy-gettin' sweater.
Who the hell is she talkin' to? Well, gee, it's 4 in the morning, I think she's ordering a couple of things from spiegel catalog.
Get her off the phone.
Darlene could be trying to call through.
Charlotte, go home and check your answering machine again.
Yes, sir.
I'm goin' back outside.
I want to stand in the middle of the street where the first thing She'll see when she pulls up is my head exploding.
Gil gets accident reports from all the hospitals.
He hasn't heard anything.
God, where could they be? I'm gonna go out and drive around a little.
I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.
Car might have broken down.
They might have pulled off the road somewhere And could be wandering down some deserted highway Looking for anybody to pick 'em up.
I'll go look.
Something happen? You hear something? No.
Don't.
You said, "let her go.
" I said don't.
She could be out there, god knows where, God knows what happened to her.
This never would have happened if you would have listened to me.
go to no rock concert.
Yeah, you're right, Dan, only middle-aged couples should go to rock concerts.
You're not off the hook for this.
You let her go all the way to rockford.
You let her do whatever the hell she wants, and this time I don't even want to think about this time.
So why don't you just go ahead and say it.
Go on, just say it.
I'm a lousy mother, there, do you feel better? Yeah, maybe this time somethin' will happen to her and then you can be lord, god, king right.
Yeah, Roseanne, that's exactly what i'm lookin' for.
I want-- Don't even bother yelling at me because no matter How mad you are, you're nowhere near as mad as I am.
Well, don't bet on it! Where in the hell have you been? Trying to get home.
That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot So she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.
I finally had to wave down a cab.
I don't care what your story is.
The rule is you call.
It was a bad neighborhood.
When I finally found a phone booth I got tired Of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
Look, I know I should have called but I just wanted to get home.
You expect us to believe that? Well, if you don't, just go ask the cab driver.
He's waiting outside for his 75 bucks.
Oh, man.
The grocery money is on top of the fridge.
What were you doing talkin' to some guys in a van? It wasn't me, it was her.
I told you that.
Right, she deserted you.
What, you don't believe that Molly would desert me? Why, because she's so sweet and cute and says,"please," and, "thank you, ma'am"? No.
Because she doesn't have a history of lying to me like you do.
That was Charlotte, she just heard from Molly.
Darlene, you'll be relieved to know that right now you're in molly's car Driving back with her and you'll be home safe in about an hour.
I'll accept your apology over eggs and french toast in the morning.
Or, you know, you could just ground me and that'd be okay too.
Why does she buy this brand of waffles? I hate these waffles.
Well, you know you could solve that problem by having breakfast in your own house.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, well, for a guy workin' the night shift you're up pretty early.
Or awful late.
Care for a nightcap? Yeah, in a minute.
We, uh, got somethin' to clear up first, right? Come on, let's go.
Um, i'm really sorry about last night, And I hope you're not mad at Darlene for comin' home so late.
'cause it was all my fault.
Apology accepted.
We're just thankful everybody's okay.
I'm gonna go upstairs and apologize to Darlene.
Ah, man, daughters.
They ought to come with a handbook.
Yeah, so you can smack 'em with it.
You know, Dan, look at me.
I'm workin' all the time.
These kids don't have a mother.
I mean, it's gettin' tough.
Charlotte, she's a dream, but Molly, she's a real handful.
Real handful.
That's one way of puttin' it.
Well, i'm just really glad that guard let her go back To the building to get her purse.
I'm not sure Darlene told me about that.
Well, Darlene got tired of waiting, so she left for home.
And I tell you, I don't blame her, because if you go somewhere with Molly, She always leaves something behind And it takes about a year for her to find it.
Wow.
A less trusting parent might think you could drive A van through the holes in that story.
Well, they don't know my daughter.
I do.
Well, I guess.
Now listen, sometimes you gotta give your kids the benefit of the doubt.
Nah, you give murderers the benefit of the doubt.
These are your kids.
Dan, I trust my kids and all i'm hopin' for is I raised 'em right, So they do right, that's it.
Whatever works.
Why don't you go home and get some sleep? Sleep? Ha ha.
And i'll get started on that early grave for you.
Do you believe that? That kid's got him totally snowed.
Man.
Makes you realize, there but for the grace of god goes Well, some parent with good kids.
Well, we can't leave it like this.
What are you gonna do? I know exactly what i'm gonna do.
Rosie? Look, I can't believe you won't cover for me.
I just want to get our stories straight.
Okay, let's see.
You were smoking pot in a guy's van while I was stranded in a dark parking lot in rockford.
Okay, let's go tell your dad.
Come on, my butt's on the line here.
Won't you even listen to me? No, we spent enough time in life together, we're done now.
You didn't tell your parents what really happened, did you? Most of it.
My mom never would have bought That "I lost my purse" crap anyway.
Oh, I don't know, try me, i'm not as good when I haven't slept.
Hi, Mrs.
Conner, I'm really sorry about-- No you're not! But you will be.
Darlene, out! In a minute.
I seem to have misplaced my purse here Darlene.
Out.
Sit down, Molly.
Look, I know what Darlene told you.
Let's just cut the crap, okay? You're talkin' to Darlene's mother here, The mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad! Now maybe your father's too busy to see what you're trying to get away with, But don't even waste that story on me.
It wasn't a story.
Molly, Molly, Molly.
I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Why are you raggin' on me? 'cause that's what I do.
I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, But doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you All I want and I don't have to buy you a car.
Yeah, that's right, 'cause you're not my mother.
Fine.
Since i'm not your mother then, i'm not gonna tell you How stupid it is to get into some stranger's van And i'm also not gonna tell you how terrible things Happen to stupid little girls like you every single day.
I don't have to listen to this.
Oh, but I think you do! Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care.
But when you leave this house with a conner kid, You're gonna be extra careful, 'cause Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
I get it, okay? Okay.
AndYou are gonna pay me back for Darlene's cab ride home.
Yes, I'll pay you back.
Yeah, you're damn right you will, 'cause you're gonna Work it off washing dishes at the diner, All 150 bucks of it.
Woof! That damn dog! Was that the last candy bar? Yeah, that's the last one.
Well, I guess maybe D.
J.
Won that prize after all.
Oh, great, he sold them all? Well, if that's the last one, where else would they go? Did you eat any? Couple.
Yeah, well I ate a couple.
Darlene ate a couple.
Jackie's having her period.
Well, I guess at 3 bucks a pop we bought D.
J.
A $60 woodchuck pencil case.
Woof.
Well, but Hey, let's not waste that chocolate buzz.
[clapping.]
woof.