Family Guy s05e11 Episode Script

It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a family guy Peter, you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course? Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon.
It's all right.
I don't think the club will mind.
It's Cleveland I'm worried about.
Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.
Hey, look.
It's President Nixon.
No, wait, it's a black guy.
No, it's Nixon.
Oh, boy.
That was close.
Will you please hurry up? It's 100 degrees out here.
You're a worse parent than Britney Spears.
I know, I know.
Oh, the gift basket was not worth the trip, not by a long shot.
Oh, I got to get that.
I'll talk to you later.
- Hey, Joe.
- Don't say it, Peter.
- I was just wondering - Peter, I swear to God.
What's your handicap? Oh! Every hole! That's a joke that just doesn't get old! God damn it! Come on, come on! Shit, shit, shit! Come on, Glenn, come on! Get your head in the goddamn game! Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game? A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
- Hey, hey, hey! That's a stroke! - I just tapped my ball, Quagmire.
Relax.
Oh, relax? Oh, okay.
Oh, look, I just tapped my ball.
Oh! Just tapped it again! Oh.
Oh.
Tap, tap, tap.
Oh, where is it? Oh, it's in the hole.
Eagle! Yay, Quagmire! Hey, Quagmire.
You know it's not fun when you're like this.
You want fun, go home and buy a monkey! What does that even mean? I don't know.
Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
Hi, Mr.
Herbert.
Here's your paper.
Oh.
Sorry, Chris, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel my subscription.
Cancel? But you love this paper.
Listen, I think you're a real nice guy, but I've just decided to go with another paper.
Hello there, Kyle.
You look nice today.
I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze.
Here's your paper.
What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd! Thank you.
Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine? Shut up, old man.
What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.
We now return to Cutting in Line in Front of Italians.
Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt? Hey, Peter, how was your golf game? Well, Lois, you tied my golf shoes a little tight before I left the house.
Had to deal with that all day.
Thank you very much.
Oh, my God.
Look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen? Maybe.
You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin.
Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your mogwai after midnight.
Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight? Oh, come on, Lois.
He's so cute and he's hungry.
What could happen? Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
Kill it, kill it! What the deuce are you are all staring at? Is there something wrong with me? Wow! Look at me.
I'm a young Eartha Kitt.
"President Johnson, bring our boys home from Southeast Asia.
"It's an unwinnable war.
" - My God, look at you.
- Oh, look at my complexion, Brian.
I am hot.
I'll be getting more sex than that Wisconsin nymphomaniac who used to live upstairs.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Oh, crap.
Dad, I was wondering if I could borrow $17.
Chris, what do you need money for? Isn't that why you have a paper route? No, this new kid named Kyle keeps stealing all my customers.
Oh, that's terrible.
You're a wonderful paper boy, Chris, and you need to remind your customers of that.
She's right.
You gotta stand up for yourself like my great-grandfather Turn-of-the-Century Take-on-All-Comers Griffin.
All right.
Put 'em up.
Put 'em up.
Are you having a bully day? I'm having a bully day.
Is everyone having a bully day? - Bully.
- Bully.
- Yes, bully.
- Oh, thank God we live in this time.
- Stewie, what are you doing? - Just getting my bronze on, baby.
Hey, what do you think of my recumbent tan pose? Legs probably spread a little wider than they ought to be, but who gives a damn.
This is just Tanned Stewie being Tanned Stewie.
Check me out, Brian.
Hey, Mr.
Herbert.
I want you back.
Please, will you be my paper-customer again? Oh, hey, Chris.
Oh, is that my phone? Oh, better go get that.
- Well, if it isn't King Lard Ass.
- Hey, don't call me names, Kyle.
Hi, Kyle.
Well, listen.
It was wrong of you to steal my customer away from me.
And I want him back.
Oh, yeah? Look, Griffin got his ass kicked.
- What a loser! - I have that shirt at home.
You pushed me.
Boys, boys.
We can settle this like reasonable and sexy teenagers.
Whoever can swallow the most Tylenol PM wins.
- Oh, my God.
Chris, what happened? - Kyle beat me up.
- You let that little punk beat you up? - Peter, you should be more sympathetic.
Remember, you had a bully too when you were his age.
Yeah, you're right.
Randy Fulcher used to pants me every chance he got.
My book report is on the giving tree.
Nerd! Randy! Nerd! Randy! - Nerd! - Randy! Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents.
I'll do it, Lois.
Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store-brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry, the Tiger.
They're food! Hey, ladies.
You mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes.
- Stewie, what is that on your lip? - I drew a pencil moustache.
I like it 'cause it's just above my lip.
The kind of moustache that says, "Yeah, I've been nude on camera.
What of it?" Come here.
I'll take care of that, sweetie.
It's got spit all over it.
Now I know what it feels like to have dinner with Martin Landau.
What people forget about Polanski is, Polanski wasn't the perfectionist.
And pedophile or not, he was a perfectly professional person, and punctual.
Yeah.
Maybe we could talk about something else.
You know, my wife and I are very involved in Planned Parenthood which provides possibilities for people who are underprivileged.
Maybe chew your food a little, champ.
Who are all these people? Oh, just a few friends over to enjoy this gorgeous weather.
Maybe take a dip in the pool.
Hey, Devon, Devon, come here.
Brian, this is Devon.
Devon just finished directing a movie.
Yeah, it stars a little actress named Joan Van Ark.
Maybe you've heard her.
- Right, possibly.
- You're talking out of your ass.
It doesn't matter, Brian.
I'm tan.
Hey, Brian, Brian.
Look at my tan walk.
- Devon, do you have a cigarette? - Sure.
And here's a copy of my last movie.
It's essentially Brokeback Mountain from the point of view of the horses.
Hey, the sun's been up for an hour.
Shouldn't we get riding? - Are they still sleeping? - I don't know.
I'll check.
- What? What? What is it? - Oh, God! Oh, my God! - What? - Oh, my God! Run! - Hey, there.
Are you Kyle's parents? - Yes.
Can we help you? Yeah, I'm Peter Griffin.
Listen, apparently your son got into a little scrape with my kid.
- Oh, dear.
They're not getting along? - Like an old guy and a midget.
Sir, will you please stop staring at me? Where's the rest of you? So listen, Chris is pretty upset about what happened.
Would you mind if I had a word with your son? Not at all.
He's up in his room.
Hey, there, Kyle.
Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
"Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
" Now that's not very nice.
I don't sound like that at all.
You're making me sound like Michael Stipe.
Listen, I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.
"What you did the other day was wrong.
" - You're not making this easy, Kyle.
- " You're not making this easy, Kyle.
"My name's Peter Griffin.
I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face.
" Shut up, Kyle.
"I'm Peter Griffin.
I'm a dorky, fat, numb-nuts.
" - Kyle, I said shut up.
- You're a poop-nose.
- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, what's going on? Is something wrong? No, no.
Everything's cool right now.
Might be some problems later, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
Hello.
Peter did what? Well, I'd best be getting to work.
- It's nighttime.
- Boy, you said it.
All right, take it easy.
Peter, you get down from that tree this instant.
No, you're going to yell at me! You're damn right, I'm going to yell at you.
You beat up a 13-year-old boy! He called me names.
You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child.
This is a very serious situation.
Well, maybe you should've just had an abortion, Lois.
Would that make you happy if I was never born? - What? - I'm going to prison, aren't I? - What are you doing? - Got to keep the tan up.
It's not a skin color.
It's a lifestyle, Brian.
See, you wouldn't know that because you're white as a ghost.
You're haunting this house with your whiteness, Brian.
- Hey, wake me up in 15, will you, babe? - Fine.
Key Largo, Montego Baby, why don't we go down to Kokomo But not too fast 'Cause Stewie takes it slow Oh, crap.
Stewie! Hey, buddy.
I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.
I've been in there for six-and-a-half hours, you son of a bitch! Don't touch me! - Well, how Can you get up? - I'll try.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Get the lotion.
Put the lotion on me.
- Brian? - Hi, Mr.
Furley.
This isn't what it looks like.
Never mind.
I'll come back later.
Now be polite, Peter.
Kyle's mother agreed not to press charges if you apologize.
- Hello, Lois.
- Hello, Claire.
We just came by because there's something Peter would like to say to Kyle.
- Go on.
- Sorry.
- Say it right, Peter.
- Oh, oh! Sorry.
Thank you, Peter.
Now what do you say, Kyle? - Apology accepted.
- Good.
Now why don't you patch things up with Mr.
Griffin by showing him your LEGOs, hmm? You got LEGOs? Sweet.
Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
They're the same thing, Peter.
You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing and the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.
Hey, listen.
Sorry about beating you up.
I felt pretty bad about it.
- Hey, this look like a spaceship to you? - Sorta.
Well, I never was very good at building things.
Like that time I built that handmade electric razor.
By gluing many razor blades to this ordinary desk fan, I'll save time in my morning routine.
Lois, I've done it again! You don't have to apologize.
I would've done the same thing.
I mean, bullying makes you feel pretty cool.
Yeah.
I guess it was kind of cool.
You know, I always used to be the nerd getting bullied, but doing it to someone else was pretty sweet.
And the more you do it, the sweeter it gets.
Cook much? Peter, what the hell is wrong with you? What's wrong with me? You're the one punching yourself in the face.
Peter, stop it.
Hey, Lois, how come you keep punching yourself in the face? - Peter, knock it off! - You're gonna hurt yourself.
- You're getting her good.
- Hey, Stewie.
Nice sunburn.
You horse's ass! Ew! Hey, Brian.
You want some Stewie jerky? Oh, God, that is disgusting.
I'm finally starting to peel.
I'm telling you, Brian, my tanning days are over.
I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage to my skin.
I wouldn't be so sure.
I don't remember you having that mole before.
What the devil! Where did that come from? Brian, what is that? I don't know.
Of course, your sunburn was pretty bad.
I suppose it could be the C word.
What the hell does that have to do with anything? No.
Cancer.
Oh Okay, I thought you meant It's not important.
Oh, no.
Cancer.
Well, the mole looks benign, but we won't know for sure whether it's cancerous until the tests come back in a few days.
A few days? I could be dead by then.
Relax, Stewie.
He said it looks benign.
We'll just have to wait and see.
Jim Henson had a "wait and see" attitude and look what happened to him.
Now we've got wrong-sounding Muppets.
- Hey, Swedish Chef.
- Oh, hey, Kermit, what's going on? - I'm hungry.
- Oh, that's no problem.
I could cook you something.
You want some spaghetti? That's like my specialty in junk.
Yay! Dad, what's wrong with you? Why are you acting like such a bully? 'Cause there are two kinds of people in this world, Chris.
There are bullies and there are nerds.
And there are hot Asian chicks.
They'll do what you want.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
You better believe it, buddy.
They will do what you want.
Because they know.
They know what you want.
"Oh, don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid.
"I won't hurt you.
I won't hurt you.
"Me, big American man.
" My point being that I'm a bully, not a nerd.
Now where was I? Oh, yeah.
Dad, get away from me! - Oh, Peter's farts are coming to get you.
- Dad, stop it! - Peter's farts are coming to get you.
- Dad, come on! Here comes Peter's farts! Coming to get you! Oh.
In the kitchen, Meg? Brian, I may only have one week to live and I've got to make the most of it.
Now, I've made a list of things I want to do before I die and you've got to help me since this is all your fault.
Visit Chicago museum of art.
Okay, we can do that.
Next on your list, you want to learn to ballroom dance.
All right, if you're going to make me do this at least let me lead.
- Fine.
You lead.
- All right then.
- I love you.
- What? What did you say? - Olive juice.
- Olive juice? Olive juice you, too.
All right.
Next up, you want to star in a national TV commercial.
If you're like me, you suffer from chronic back pain.
Oh-oh, back pain.
And chronic neck pain.
Uh-oh.
Neck pain.
Or the occasional wrist pain.
One of those parasites that swims up your crank and starts eating away in there.
What? No.
No, I don't have one of those.
Just the wrist thing.
No, it's in there.
- Did you go swimming last week? - Yes.
- Did you pee in the river? - Yes.
- You got one.
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - I'm just kidding.
It's only your wrist.
- What? You suck.
You're supposed to use your deep voice for good, not evil.
You suck, man.
Hey, you nerds want to see a puppet show? Peter, put me down.
I told you not until you sing.
High on a hill was a lonely goatherd - Dad, what are you doing to Mr.
Swanson? - Peter, put him down right now.
- Beat it, Lois.
- Peter, stop it.
Joe is your friend.
- Shut up, you nerd.
- Hey.
Peter, look at yourself.
You're no different than that bully who used to pick on you.
Are you kidding? I'm nothing like Randy Fulcher.
Oh, no? Does that look familiar? Oh, my God.
You're right, Lois.
I shouldn't be bullying the people I care about.
I should be bullying Randy Fulcher.
He's the jerk in all this.
Like Dick Cheney when he was a Wal-Mart greeter.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
Go fuck yourself.
- Well, that's it for the list.
- Not quite, Brian.
There's one more thing I need you to do before I die.
Write down my final thoughts.
- Oh come on.
- I don't have much time.
"O squiggly line in my eye fluid "I see you there lurking on the periphery of my vision "But when I try to look at you you scurry away "Are you shy, squiggly line? "Why only when I ignore you do you return to the center of my eye? "O squiggly line, it's all right You are forgiven" Hello.
Oh, hi, Dr.
Hartman.
All right.
I'll tell him.
Thanks.
Bye.
You don't have cancer.
You're going to be fine.
Really? Oh, thank God! Oh, thank God! Wait, wait.
Look, there's no reason we can't finish the memoir anyway.
Let's see what you got so far.
Oh, you are just the worst type of person.
Dad, what are we doing here? Chris, I'm going to show you how to stand up to a bully.
But first I'm going to show how when I pull the drawstrings on my sweat shirt and spit out a candy bar, I look like an anus.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Hey, Fulcher.
- Griffin? - The feeling's mutual.
- What are you doing here? - I'm here to kick your ass, Fulcher.
I'm going to beat you and then my son, Chris, is going to beat you.
It's going to be an old fashioned father-son beat-off.
- Wait a minute, Dad, you can't hit him.
- Yeah, I have MS.
Oh, you hear that, Chris? This guy's got a monkey scrotum and he's bragging about it.
Now you really got me mad.
No, Dad.
Stop! Sorry I had to do that, Dad, but you wanted me to learn to stand up to a bully.
Well, I'm standing up to you.
Stop bullying people, Dad.
My God.
Chris, you're right.
Look at me.
Look what I've become.
I thought it'd feel good to be a bully, but all I did was make people feel as bad as Randy made me feel.
I'm just a big jackass.
It's all right, Dad, I forgive you.
As long as you promise never to bully anyone again.
I promise, Chris.
I mean, you know, unless I get really stinking drunk, in which case all you got to do is outrun your sister.
Oh, I like that.
That's nice.
That's a warm family moment.
I agree.
We can all learn something from that.
Wocka, wocka.
Who wants to hear a funny-ass joke?