Home Improvement s05e11 Episode Script

- Pretty.
- Yeah.
When it's done, it'll look something like that.
I'm going more retro.
Back in your shop class, would you have imagined I could build something like that? I was happy when you finally made an ashtray.
Did you really build a hot rod, or is that a lot of bunk? No.
You never saw my other one.
Yeah, I got pictures of it.
There you go.
Oh Gleam in my eye to a strapping '33 Roadster.
Yeah.
I miss that car.
It was like a member of the family.
- Whatever happened to her? - Sold it.
I'm glad I'm not a member of your family.
Sorry Hey, Mr.
Leonard.
How are ya? I didn't know you were in town.
- Visiting my daughter.
- What are you doing here? I hate my son-in-law.
As usual, Martin, you're an hour late.
Yeah, yeah.
I was on the phone with Ma.
You know how she goes on and on.
- She doesn't like talking on the phone.
- She likes talking to me.
She hated talking to me.
When he was in school, every time I'd call her, I'd say, "Hello, Mrs.
Taylor.
" She'd say, "Oh, God, what's he done now?" - It's 2:00.
You gonna feed me? - Soon as I finish, I'll get you a sandwich.
It took you three years to build the last hot rod.
I'm not waiting that long for liverwurst.
I'll help myself.
All right, what are we doin'? Finish the assembly on the rear end, put the shock on for me.
Can you believe Mom winning 500 bucks in Vegas? - Mom went to Vegas? - She went with that travel group she's in.
Mom's in a travel group? - The one she went to Ireland with.
- Oh, yeah.
Mom went to Ireland? - Do you ever talk to Mom? - Yeah, we talk every Sunday.
We just don't waste time yakking about the small stuff.
Yeah.
You only yak about the big stuff, like what she had for dinner and the weather.
Roast beef, partly cloudy.
- Guess that explains why I'm her favorite.
- Oh, get out.
- I'm closer to Mom than you'll ever be.
- Oh, yeah? - We'll ask her when she comes next week.
- OK, Marty, we sure will.
Mom's coming next week? - When's your mom supposed to be here? - Any minute.
I can't wait to see the old hunk of junk again.
- Your mother? - Her car.
Last time I saw her, her rear end was sagging, she had no pickup.
- The car? - No, my mother.
Speaking of which Guys, get in here.
Grandma's here.
- Oh! - Hey.
Hi.
Hi, honey.
It's so good to see you.
- Hello, Lucille.
- Hi.
Oh, you look great.
How was your trip? Fast.
I had the pedal on the metal all the way.
Like mother, like son.
Yeah, except I don't think she sticks her head out the window yelling, "Yippee.
" - Grandma.
- My boys, my boys.
OK, listen.
Enough of this kissy stuff.
I want you to take my bags and put 'em upstairs on the bed.
And here's a $10 tip.
Well, I guess that's five for me and five for you.
- What about me? - You get to carry the bags.
- Hey, I want you to split this up evenly.
- All right.
- Wait.
About that money - I want you to deal with it responsibly.
Now, shut up, Tim.
I want you to use it for something completely ridiculous or extremely bad for your teeth.
- You never let us have junk food.
- That's because I was the mother.
Now I'm the grandmother.
This is the grand part.
- That's why you're our favorite, Grandma.
- That won't get ya any more money.
You're also the prettiest grandma.
That will get you another ten.
- You're my favorite mother.
- Aw, Tim, sorry.
All out of cash.
- Want something to drink? - Club soda, please.
Oh.
- How's the golf game? - Not so good.
I think I may have torn some cartilage in my knee.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Oh, your knee's OK.
I'm serious.
You're trying to hustle me out of money next time we play golf.
You're right, Tim.
I spent $500 on x-rays just so I can con you out of a dollar at golf.
Very clever, but it's not gonna work.
- How's the house? - Big, empty, drafty.
How can it be drafty? I did the weather stripping myself.
Enough said.
It's not easy rattling around in that big house.
Gets kinda lonely.
- Are you thinking about moving? - She won't move.
If you're lonely, we'll get you a dog.
Well, thanks, Tim.
Jill, would you like to see my pictures of Ireland? - I'd love to.
- How about someone to talk to? A parrot.
"Hey, Lucille, you look good.
How about 20 bucks? 20 bucks.
" - I'll get it.
- Oh, thanks.
- Mrs.
Taylor.
- Mr.
Leonard.
Oh, my God, what did Tim do now? My gosh, you look great.
You haven't changed a bit.
Well, you have.
Your eyesight's slipping.
- Hello, Mr.
Leonard.
- Hi.
I came to pick up that sweater I left here the other day.
I was just wearing it so I'd remember to give it back to you.
I'm glad I didn't leave my underwear.
Oh, like they'd fit me.
Your eyesight may be going, but you still have your sense of humor.
- Would you like to stay for dinner? - I'd love a good home-cooked meal.
Me too.
Where we gonna get it? - Mr.
Leonard - Please, please call me Art.
- How about a beer, Art? - Mr.
Leonard.
I don't think I ever told you how much I appreciate your putting Tim on the right track in school.
Hey, you put him on the right path to life.
I could only take him so far.
Jill took him the distance.
- It was a group effort.
- Hey! - Don't I get credit for turning out so well? - No.
Jill, did you know that every time Tim got into trouble in high school, Art took the time to make a personal call to me? I had to call ya.
I knew he wasn't giving the notes I sent home.
What notes? They're I-I-I was going to give them to you tomorrow.
You have to lean out of a castle to kiss the Blarney stone? Weren't you scared? Hey, after raising five boys by myself, nothing scares me.
Well, why do you kiss the Blarney stone, anyway? So it'll follow you back to your apartment for a nightcap.
No, pea brain.
The Blarney stone gives you the gift of gab.
My parents took me there when I was but a wee lad, and I haven't stopped talking since.
I like a man who can hold up his end of the conversation.
I like a woman who's not afraid to hang upside down from a castle.
Hey, maybe you should date a bat.
You know, all this talk about blarney is making me thirsty for an Irish coffee.
What do you say we head over to McCauliffe's and get one? - Great idea.
Head to an Irish pub.
- Who invited you? I thought you did.
I guess I was a wee bit mistaken.
- It sounds lovely, but, see, I just got here.
- Oh, Lucille, go.
Have a good time.
- Oh, great.
- It's late, you're tired, you just got here.
We're doing Tool Time tomorrow.
You'll wanna be peppy.
Peppy? Tim, I may be getting old, but I think I've got enough pep to sit through Tool Time Don't be so sure.
Younger people than you haven't been able to make it through.
- Thanks for a wonderful dinner.
- Jill, thanks.
Come on, peppy, let's go.
I can't believe you let her go.
Let her go? She's a grown woman.
She wanted to go.
She shows up, drops her suitcases off, heads out for a night on the town.
What is this, a hotel? Well, she did tip the boys.
- She didn't look at the hot rod.
- Big deal.
She'll see it tomorrow.
It's a big deal to me.
How would you feel if your mom came over for a visit - and five minutes later, she took off? - Like I'd won the lottery.
This is just like you.
We're trying to have a serious conversation, you make jokes.
If you're that upset, wait till she gets home and talk to her.
Tell her how you feel.
- I don't like talking about my feelings.
- You do it with me all the time.
That's 'cause you make me.
Hi, Mom.
- Tim, what are you doing up? - I'm waiting for Mark.
You know Often times, he stumbles in at 3am, too.
- You were waiting for me, weren't you? - No.
I was working on the hot rod.
What were you doing out so late? When you went out late, what were you doing? Well, I Let's not go Let's not go there.
Art and I closed down the bar.
He's so easy to talk to.
Do you know it has been ages since I've spent time alone with a man? Let's not go there, either.
Fine.
I think I'll head up to bed.
Do you mind if I go there? As long as you're up, you wanna see the hot rod? - It's three in the morning.
Can't it wait? - Sure.
Sure.
Could've seen it earlier if you hadn't darted right out after dinner.
- What is that supposed to mean? - Nothing.
Sorry.
I haven't seen you in a while.
I thought you could stay here, and we could talk.
- You wanna talk? - What's wrong with that? I tried to talk to you earlier, and you didn't seem very interested.
- I was interested.
- You didn't act that way.
I told you I had a problem with my knee, and you made a big joke about it.
Then I told you I was lonely in the house, and you started to imitate a parrot.
You used to like my imitations.
Remember that monkey? Ooh-ooh-ooh.
- You're doing it again, Tim.
- What am I doing again? When I try to tell you what's really going on with me, you don't wanna listen to me.
- I wanna listen.
- You do the same thing every Sunday.
I call, I try to have a real conversation and all you ever ask me is: - "How's the Buick?" - I We talk about other stuff.
Are you having a problem with the Buick? Tim, there's a sign over your head that says, "Not getting it.
" - Good night.
- Good night.
- OK, boys, let's go.
- Where we going? I'm taking us to our annual ice-cream breakfast at Leo's Sugar Shack.
All right.
And what restaurant are we going to tell your parents we went to? - The Healthy Vegetable.
- Very good.
And, Mark, if anybody asks, you had - A wheat-germ omelet.
- Excellent.
- Brad? - I had bean turd.
That's bean curd.
Oh.
Well, they taste the same.
Randy, what did you have? I had an alfalfa shake, and then I threw up.
Nice touch.
- So, where you guys going for breakfast? - Um, The Healthy Vegetable.
- Can we bring you something? - Um - A pint of mint chocolate chip.
- You got it.
- Hi, honey.
- Don't start with me.
What? It was your idea to have a conversation with my mom.
It was a disaster.
She says I'm incapable of having a real conversation.
- Can you believe that? - Yeah-huh.
What you mean, yeah-huh? Every time she calls, you ask her about the car and hand me the phone.
- That's a real conversation.
- Yeah, real lame one.
She has nothing to complain about.
I do more for her than all my brothers.
I fix her car.
I drove 300 miles to put her storm windows in.
I know.
I think she just wants to connect on a more emotional level.
People share their emotions in different ways.
Some talk about their feelings with their mother, and some Scotchgard her sofa.
Well, Scotchgarding is a powerful way to show intimacy.
There's something different with her.
She never used to dredge up old feelings.
She kept them inside where they belong.
No, that's where ulcers belong.
I agree with you.
I think she has changed.
And evidently she wants to share some real moments with you.
- Why? - That's how you feel close to people.
That's ridiculous.
I've had plenty of close relationships with people that I've never shared a real moment with.
- Hey, Tim.
- Hi, Al.
It was nice of you to invite me for coffee.
You haven't done that in a long time.
Or ever.
- I thought it'd give us a chance to talk.
- Oh, yeah? About what? - Mothers.
- Oh, no.
No.
Boy, I should've seen this one coming.
You invited me here to make fun of my mother.
- No.
- OK, well, what's it gonna be today? More fat jokes? You've already done all those.
How about her perspiration problem? Or maybe the way her jowls sway.
Or how about the way the skin under her arms wobble? Al, Al, Al.
There's people eating food in here.
Sit down.
I wanna talk about my mother.
- Does she wobble? - No.
No one knows more about mothers than you.
I wanna bounce something off you.
- Well, sure.
Hey, bounce away.
- OK.
Um Last night, my mom got kind of mad at me, and she says we don't communicate because I talk on a superficial level.
Oh, I can totally relate.
So you know what I'm going through? No, I can totally relate to your mother.
The only real conversation we ever have is when I say something, and you tell me to shut up.
Shut up.
Tim, Al.
Wilson I'm really sorry, but I couldn't help but overhear what you were saying.
I didn't know you knew this place.
I often come here when The Healthy Vegetable is closed.
- You know, I love their bean curd.
- Oh, yeah.
Boy, it's to die for.
Or to die from.
I've had one of those things.
I don't mean to intrude, but I thought I might offer my perspective - on what you were talking about.
- Al's mom's arm wobble? Oh, no, no, Tim.
The problem that you're having with your mother.
When you finish talking about Tim's mother, I'd like to talk about my relationship with my mother.
I'm sorry, Al, but I don't think I have that kind of time today.
Order me something, and I don't want the bean turd.
What do you think? Tim, I think that you may already know the answer.
- I already have the answer? - Yes.
I'm reminded of something you told me a couple of years ago about your father.
What does my father have to do with this? Remember telling me that the great regret for your life is you never got to know him well? He died when I was 11.
I didn't have the chance to know him.
Well, your mom's still alive.
You wanna ruin that chance with her? - Hi, Mom.
- Hi, Tim.
Did you bring the boys with you? Oh, no, the boys.
How many of them were there? Mom I left them at the mall.
- Can we talk about last night? - Oh, it's OK, Tim.
I'm sorry we got into it.
I know we both love each other, and that's enough for me.
What if it's not enough for me? I really think we should talk about this.
I don't want you to talk about anything that makes you uncomfortable.
I understand that.
Mom, I'm really sorry I cut you off when you're trying to talk to me, but I'm just not used to you coming to me with stuff like this.
I'm not used to having to go to anybody with stuff like this.
It's just that, of all my boys, I was hoping that you were the one that I could open up to.
Why me? You've always been the strong one in the family.
I have? Oh, come on, Mom.
You're the strong one.
I still can't believe how strong you were when Dad died.
Oh, I had no choice.
I had a house full of boys without a father.
I just did what I had to do.
God.
Sometimes I don't know how I got up in the morning.
I was so empty.
And I felt so bad that I couldn't give you boys the kind of attention I knew you needed.
- Mom - Especially you, Tim.
- What do you mean? - You took it the hardest when Dad died.
You kept everything bottled up inside.
Maybe that's why you can't talk about anything serious without making a joke.
Oh, I've gotten over that now.
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh.
I just wish that I could've done a better job of helping you through those times.
- You did a great job.
- Oh, I don't know.
If it hadn't been for you, I would've never gotten through it.
Oh thanks, Tim.
- Mom - Yeah? You know what? I want you to talk to me about stuff.
I don't wanna miss knowing you the way I missed knowing Dad.
I don't want that, either, Tim.
Boy, it kills me that I didn't get to know him.
You know, you two would've gotten such a kick out of each other.
I mean, when I watch you working on that hot rod, I think, "There's something Dad would've loved doing with him.
" - You think we would've gotten along? - Like a nut and a bolt.
And I think we know who the nut is.
Oh, Tim.
I love you, Tim.
I love you.
OK.
Enough of this kissy stuff.
Shouldn't we be heading down to Tool Time? Oh yeah.
I gotta write new stuff.
I'm gonna lay off the jokes about Al's mom for a while.
Oh, darn.
I love those.
Let me ask you one thing that has been bugging me.
Sure.
Is Marty your favorite? Yes.
It's gonna be a lot of work to sell the house and move, but I'm really glad I finally made the decision to do it.
It's gonna be nice for all of us to have you close by.
Do you know what I dread most about moving? - Leaving your memories behind? - No.
Leaving Hector the handyman behind.
Whenever Tim pulls out of my driveway after fixing something, I speed dial Hector.
Believe me, I understand and don't tell Tim that I gave you this number.
This is Joe the handyman.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, boy.
Wife and mother in the same room.
Can't be good for me.
Your mom was saying how nice it'll be living close by.
Yeah.
I'm nearby.
I can stop by and fix things any time you want.
Gee, thanks, Tim.
I can't tell you what a feeling of security that gives me.
Now I can just buy a house and not worry about a thing.
Really? You gave her Joe's number, didn't you? Yep.
Good, 'cause he's a lot better than Hector.
My mom has nothing to complain about.
I do more for her than my brothers combined.
I drive up there and fix her car.
I think she just wants to connect with you on a more emotional level.
Emotional-shomotional.
Come on.
Emotional-shomotional.