King of the Hill s05e11 Episode Script

Someonefls got a birthday, I wander who Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who What do you think of the car, Hank? It's a convertible.
Nothing says road trip like a convertible.
Except for a kite.
I can't just leave work 10 minutes early on a Friday afternoon.
Come on, Hank.
You promised if I couldn't find a date for my birthday you, Dale, and Boomhauer would be my dates.
No, I didn't.
I said we'd all go to Austin for the weekend.
Let's go! Let's get there.
I have a job as Assistant Manager of Strickland Propane.
My day begins at 9:00 and ends at 5:00, not 4:50.
Someonefls got a birthday, I wander who Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who Someone's got a birthday, I wonder who Someone's got a birthday Welcome to my end-of-semester party.
I never thought finals would be over.
But by this time next week, they will be.
Little plastic swords instead of toothpicks.
Very British.
This is the most delicious burger that I have ever eaten.
Thanks a lot, Mom.
You've built it up so much, there's no way that burger can be that-- Delicious! You see? That's why you don't fly a kite in a car.
Who minds if I take off my shirt? - I do.
- Not me.
Let's all switch shirts.
Dale! Hank, if you're steering, who's taking off your shirt? Luanne, you ran out of burgers and I think I know why.
They are delicious and we ate them all.
No problem.
I'll just grill up some more.
Charcoal? Maybe no one's ever taken the time to tell Dad how much better charcoal is.
And no one ever will.
Now, strip off your clothes put them in the washer and throw in some fish sticks.
Your father has got a nose like a Doberman.
I know this hotel.
It's where Lenore and I spent our honeymoon.
That's the couch where I slept.
Hello.
I am Gribble of the Gribble party.
We requested four standard rooms on your kosher floor.
I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have a kosher floor.
This is an outrage.
How do you intend to placate me? Would you knock it off, Dale? Wait till my pastor hears about this.
My God is a vengeful God.
Sir, please, we don't discriminate against whatever you are.
I'm sure there's some way we can accommodate you.
How about a suite on the club floor? - I'll see if one's available.
- I'll need four keys.
Make that three keys.
I'll take the standard room.
One key, one shampoo, and no conditioner.
Don't mind him.
He's with the schoolmarm convention.
- Hank Hill.
- Please hold for Dale Gribble.
Hank, we're making a fort out of all our furniture.
Come on up.
Wouldn't you guys rather grab a bite? You know, according to the hotel magazine the lobby restaurant makes the best fajitas in town.
Not interested.
Now, when your father asks us what we did while he was gone we can say we got new tires for the car.
- And it will be true.
- Mom.
"Free with purchase of 100-pound bag of charcoal.
" Hank, there you are.
Hey, guys, wanna go hear Jerry Thomas play piano at the Starlight Lounge? The gal at the front desk said he was good.
We just saw him.
He is good.
Come on, Hank let's go moon the lobby from the glass elevators.
We are at this hotel as guests.
My God, Hank.
Can we ever have a party you don't poop? You still owe me one from high school when the whole team mooned Belton and you just held up a sign saying, "Good game.
" it was the single greatest time I have ever had with my pants off.
The vice principal gave you a week's detention for that stunt.
Nobody remembers the detention, Hank.
Everyone remembers the mooning.
Except for you, because you weren't part of it.
Let's go! - Hey, wait for me.
- Hank, you made it! Mind if I butt in, birthday boy? Okay, let's go.
Big smile, lots of energy.
Going Nil-- And going down.
Drop them in five, four three, two and Yeah! Shake your booty! I'm doing it.
I'm a mooner.
I'm part of it.
Which is why Meals On Wheels is proud to honor the former Governor of Texas, the Honorable Ann Richards.
I'm gonna kick your asses.
Why is it always about asses with you, Hank? - Security.
Open up.
- The fort.
All right, which one of you guys mooned the Governor? Perhaps you are unaware this is the club floor.
I believe we have certain immunities.
Sir, I officially resign my room, effective immediately.
No, Hank, I'm the one who mooned.
- Bill.
- Let me take the fall for you, Hank.
I don't have as far to drop.
Governor Richards.
Sgt.
Barber William Fontaine Delatur Dauterive, ma'am, sir.
At ease, Sergeant.
Why, may I ask, did you moon me? Why, I wasn't mooning anything in particular, you know.
It's my birthday and you were just a civilian caught in the crossfire.
I'll tell you a little secret, Bill.
I had a teacher once that served during World War ll and he mooned Eleanor Roosevelt.
- No! - Yeah.
He had the opportunity and he took it.
I wouldn't be surprised to find out charcoal is better to heat your house with, too.
- Hello? - Hi, it's me.
Something's come up that I'm not very proud of.
And, well, we're being kicked out of the hotel so I'll be back a little earlier than planned.
Okay, I cannot wait to see you.
I love you.
He is on his way.
Oh, Bill, we were worried sick about you.
Don't worry about Bill.
I commuted his sentence to dinner for two.
Oh, my God, Governor Richards.
Governor Richards.
it's been a while.
You may not remember me, but I've seen you on TV.
Okay, let's clear the air.
What I did to the Governor with my bottom was wrong.
I hope you can forgive me.
Of course I forgive you, honey.
As I know that you would forgive me if I ever lost my head and did something crazy.
I mean, not crazy like kill you with an ax but, you know, like a little smaller crazy.
Bobby, what are you doing to that steak? It's a little bland.
I cooked it the way I always cook it.
I know.
Yup.
Yep.
See you at 7:00.
Hope you can dance as good as you bowl.
Yup.
What the hell is going on? What? Is it so weird that I'm dating the Governor? A little bit, maybe.
Did you get up her shirt? No, I should say not.
Well, she's taking me to a fancy ball.
I should probably shower.
Well, it's nuts, but she does have him showering.
Man, that Phil Gramm sure is a horse's ass.
He's the tackiest man in the United States Senate.
He's a senator, is he? I just asked him for a glass of wine.
Bill, you've made my evening.
- Come on, let's get some air.
- All right.
I christen thee the SS Fontaine Dela fur Dauterive.
Ann, you're the best thing to happen to my life since Lenore ruined it.
- Your ex-wife? - Yeah.
I used to have kind of a taste for trash.
But these days it's all prime rib and filet mignon and tenderloin.
Are you talking about dinner, or are you talking about me? Mostly you.
- Your boat! I'll get it.
- That's okay.
I just stepped on a coin.
So I said: "Ross, just because you own the building "doesn't mean you own the salad bar.
Get in line.
" You guys like baseball? If you're trying to smoke out the communist, relax.
We're all cool.
No, I just thought you might like to join me at a Rangers game.
- I can go to the owner's box now.
- She's a keeper.
You brought charcoal into our house.
I didn't know what it was.
Luanne asked me to hold it for her.
I thought it was drugs.
There's soot under my boy's nails.
You don't get that from a clean-burning fuel.
You don't get the rich smoky flavor either.
Shut your mouth.
Now, we're gonna sit here and pray.
Ann Richards.
So glad to meet you.
Bill Dauterive, Ann's date.
Ann Richards.
So glad to meet you.
Bill Dauterive, Ann's date.
Ann Richards.
So glad to meet you.
- Hi, Bill.
- Lenore.
Come on, Billy.
Wake up, snap out of it.
I thought I saw a ghost or a horrible hobgoblin, or-- How you doing, baby? - Surprised? - Lenore.
As in your ex-wife? Excuse me.
Lenore, Governor Richards.
Governor Richards, Lenore.
Well, I should probably go vomit.
Back in a jiff.
What are you doing here? I think the question is, why did I ever leave? You said it was because I was fat and bald, and I got too jealous - whenever you had a date.
- Oh, Billy Goat.
I'm the one who should be jealous of you.
Showing up in the society pages with the Governor on your arm? You looked pretty cute in your penguin suit.
Reminded me of our homecoming court.
You were king, and that stuck-up Filipino girl was queen - and I stole you away.
- Yeah, I remember.
- To the boiler room.
- Yeah, I remember.
You call me at the Hotel Arlen.
I'm in the handicapped room.
It's bigger.
Lenore swung by my place last night.
I told you she'd come back.
'Course, that was seven years ago and I was just trying to make you feel better.
- And now I do.
- Dang it, Bill.
Lenore showed up because you're on top of the world with the former Governor of Texas.
Ask yourself this: Where was she when you couldn't stop eating out of that garbage can? I'll tell you where.
She was having corn on the cob with that UPS guy.
What's his name? Mike.
I'm a grown man.
Older, but wiser.
And Lenore is older, but still pretty.
True, Lenore is 10 times hotter than Ann Richards and Ann Richards is hot.
Governor, can I ask you a personal question? - Sure.
- What do you think of charcoal? It's pure evil, right? Hank, I may be a politician, but I'm not afraid to speak my mind.
Now, if you'll excuse me.
I think I'm gonna take my seventh-inning stretch early maybe pick up a couple of Ranger Dogs.
I'll keep you company.
Can't a man get his own Ranger Dog? Down, in front.
I miss you, too.
What are you wearing? That's a lot of clothes.
Okay, then, General.
I'm glad you enjoyed your haircut.
Yes, sir.
Talk to you later.
I love you.
Bill, if you wanted to call Lenore, why didn't you just tell me? I'm sorry.
I just haven't had much practice juggling women.
You're not the kind of woman who'd let me juggle her with someone else, are you? It's over between us.
We had fun, didn't we, Governor Richards? From the first minute when your friend mooned me in that elevator.
- You knew the whole time? - You took the fall for a friend and I find that a whole lot more attractive than Hank's bony ass.
Oh, my God! Bill's birthday party.
Winterfresh me.
Close your eyes, I'll do your hair.
Hey, Peggy, just in time for a burger.
What'll it be? Charcoal or propane? Propane.
it's always been propane.
C3H8.
Clean-burning, economical propane-- Peggy, enough.
I'm not gonna force propane on you.
That's an insult to propane and to you.
I want you to choose, Peggy, right now.
Which is better? Charcoal or me? Well? It is no contest.
The propane burger is much better.
I'll just drive this down to the dump right now.
You lied, Mom.
No, Bobby, I came to my senses.
All of them.
Except for taste.
Lenore, you came! I wouldn't miss this for the world.
- So, whose birthday is it? - Mine.
I'm sorry, baby.
I didn't get you anything.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Your presence is my present.
And I can't wait to take you home and unwrap you and then have sex.
Won't your girlfriend mind? I don't know.
I'll ask her.
- Do you mind? - What? I dumped Ann Richards for you! I'm dating a man who dumped Ann Richards.
That's like me dumping Ann Richards.
Why, Nancy Hicks Gribble, I haven't seen you in ages.
Did you hear that Bill dumped Ann Richards for me? Lenore, you know, I've been thinking.
I never really got around to signing those divorce papers.
Oh, that's okay.
I forged your signature.
"William" in script "Dauterive" in block letters, just like you do.
You know me so well.
I know your mother's maiden name, your Social Security number what foods will kill you.
If I didn't care so much about you, I could ruin your life.
Lenore, will you marry me? Bill, it wouldn't work out.
You live in Arlen.
I live in Well, I probably shouldn't tell you where I live.
- Ann, I forgot to dis-invite you.
- Bill, I can't stay.
I've got to give the keynote at a Hells Angels rally.
I just came by to wish you a happy birthday.
No.
You remembered.
Bill asked me to marry him.
But you said You wouldn't even tell me where you live.
Bill, stop wasting the Governor's time with your nonsense.
I'm going to show Ann back to her car.
I know the way back to my car.
But my driver can't seem to find the on-ramp for 35 South.
I'll give you the short way.
Take Raney all the way until it dead-ends at the field then you lift the chain, go about What are you doing in that woman's limo? Get out here right now and ask me to marry you, Bill.
When somebody's serving up humble pie, why do you keep going back for seconds? William Fontaine Delatur Dauterive.
Ann, would you excuse me for a moment? And while you're at it, blow her a kiss! - Does that mean we've still got a chance? - No.
But it does mean you've still got a chance.
- Now, can I give you a ride? - I live right there.
Driver.
I'm doing it.
I'm a manner.