Mike & Molly s05e11 Episode Script

Joyce! Vince! Let's move it! Your car's all warmed up for you! So they can get the hell out of here.
Did you fill up their tank? Gas, air, wiper fluid.
I set the GPS for the casino.
I was gonna get their brakes checked, but I figured, eh, what's meant to be's meant to be.
Hey! There's the happy travelers! Got coffee for the driver.
And wine for the passenger.
It's before noon, so I went with a crisp Chablis.
Here we go.
I don't know if I should drink coffee.
My stomach is rumbling around like a dryer with one tennis shoe in it.
I told you not to eat that gas station sushi! But I figured I'd be safe.
The guy who owns it is Japanese.
He's Pakistani.
Well, something is about to say sayonara! Ah, he's been sitting on that pot all morning.
I don't know, maybe a five-hour road trip isn't the best idea.
I don't want him to let loose in my Lexus.
Well, maybe a road trip is just what the doctor ordered.
Nothing binds me up like traveling.
It's true.
Yeah, he only went once on our whole honeymoon.
That was two weeks! Why can't you do that here? Come on, you guys have been dying to go play in that Texas Hold'em tournament.
You've been practicing your poker face all month.
Not poker face.
Botox.
Maybe I'll just go by myself, and leave Vince at home.
No! No! No! No! This is his special trip, too.
You know, in fact, I don't think he's upstairs because of Pakistani sushi.
I think he's just so excited that he's lost control of his bodily functions.
You just want to send me off with that ticking time bomb so you can have the house to yourselves.
Yes.
I love you.
Get out! Yeah, why do you think we got Victoria that hotel room for her morticians' convention? It's not even three miles away.
They got better parking here.
Joyce, walk with me.
You know that gazebo-trellis thingy you've been wanting me to put together in the backyard? Well, while you are gone, I will hire a guy that will actually do it.
He'll put the twinkle lights in it, too? Well, of course.
How else are you gonna drink outside at night? I do like to drink outside at night.
Vince! Come on, we got to go! Car's running! I took a Kaopectate and lined my boxers with maxi pads.
Hopefully that'll hold me to Calumet City.
Okay, there you go.
And off you go.
Bye! Drive safe! Hey! If you get hungry, remember bananas bind! Oh, my God, they're gone.
I can't believe we have the whole house to ourselves.
Yup.
Home alone.
Good-bye pants.
See you in 72 hours.
That is such a good idea.
Why am I still in this bra? La, la-ba-dee-da La, la-ba-dee-da For the first time in my life I see love I see love For the first time in my life I see love Oh! Oh, God.
I just watched nine episodes of Breaking Bad.
I got to stop.
You know, you might look really sexy bald.
You're not shaving my head! But this is living though, huh? I haven't moved in six hours.
I can't feel my legs.
I don't care.
Oh, my God, it's 2:00! Mike, we've wasted half the day.
Oh, don't think of it as wasting half the day.
Think of it as you have half a day left to waste.
No, Mike! Get up! Let's walk to the farmers' market.
There are two things wrong with that sentence.
Come on, it'll be fun.
We'll shop, we'll get some fresh vegetables, we'll make a nice dinner.
I'll buy you a churro.
You can bring me one back.
Mike! I want to take a walk with you.
And hold your hand.
And explore the city with the man I love.
I know.
Yeah.
I get it.
Yes.
I just don't want to go.
All right! Get up! Pants on, Pooh Bear.
You know the last time you didn't want to go somewhere this much? The flea market and who came home with a Mr.
T lunchbox? I did.
Yeah, you did.
Okay, I can't promise anything that life-changing.
But I can promise you kettle corn and homemade root beer.
In a frosted mug? We'll bring our own in a cooler.
Makes all the difference.
Come on, come on, come on.
Oh, these morticians give out some sweet swag.
Uh, look at that.
Coffin coin purse.
Now, every time I need a quarter, I'll be reminded that Canterville Caskets wants my "rest days to be my best days.
" I told you it would be fun.
Funeral directors might be fuddy-duddies in the embalming room, but when the rubber gloves come off, it's a dead man's party.
Mm.
You know, I-I still can't believe this is what you do.
I mean, did you just wake up one day and decide that I want to put makeup on dead people? Yes.
That's a hell of a story.
It was after my grandma's funeral.
I looked at how they did her makeup, and I thought, "Why is Ronald McDonald in Meemaw's casket?" Well, it-it'll traumatize you for life, but at least you found your calling.
True that.
Well, you know, it's just great for me seeing you in your element.
Although I didn't realize there'd be so many ex-boyfriends in your element.
I wouldn't call them boyfriends.
I barely know their names.
Well, they all seem to remember yours and each other's.
What the hell goes on here? You know these conventions.
It's about networking and pressing the flesh.
Mm-hmm, you do know that means just shaking hands, right? Is somebody jealous? No.
Baby, I'm not jealous.
I know what we have is pure and strong.
And exclusive! Of course it is.
Carl, look at me.
All my craziness, that's in the past.
That girl who chugs Jager out of urns and steals hearses and dances naked on top of coffins? I'm not her anymore.
Well, you know let's not throw the baby out with the bath water now.
Oh, okay.
I-I'm not opposed to a little naked dancing.
See? You survived the walk and the farmers' market.
And I only had to pull you in the wagon once.
I admit, it wasn't so bad.
But since when did farmers become hippies? We bought tomatoes from a guy playing hacky sack.
I know, I'm starting to think that organic just means dirty.
Well, thanks for making me go.
Oh, my pleasure.
And thanks for not causing a scene when they ran out of churros.
Well I appreciate you putting Splenda on the pretzel.
Next time we'll go early and, you know, I'll get another one.
Really? You'll go again? Yeah, you know, I-I enjoyed walking around, holding hands with you.
I was a little self-conscious at first.
But then my hand didn't feel right without yours in mine.
That may be the sweetest thing you have ever said to me.
Really? I wasn't even trying.
I was just saying stuff.
All right, you sweet-talking son of a bitch, you ready to do this? Okay, explain it to me again.
Cooking competition, okay? Same ingredients, one-hour time limit.
Whoever has the tastiest meal wins.
Okay, what's the prize? The winner gets control of the remote for the whole weekend.
High stakes.
I like it.
Okay.
You got buffalo meat, assorted vegetables, And the mystery ingredient.
Romanesco that thing that you thought looked like an alien on Star Trek.
You're gonna eat that? I thought it was a foot scrubber.
Okay, remember, a tournament is a marathon, not a sprint.
Play tight, be careful.
And when you got the goods, go for the throat and shake them till they're dead.
Any questions? Yeah, where the hell's the waitress with my drink? Careful with the alcohol, Joyce.
You're gonna want to stay focused.
Are you kidding? I'm cross-eyed till I've had a couple belts.
Call.
Call.
Just saying.
It's not only about playing the cards.
You also got to play the man.
I've got every person at this table pegged, except for seat seven.
I cannot get a read on that guy.
Maybe 'cause he's a lady.
She might want to think about getting that lip waxed.
Yeah.
Call.
Raise 150.
Watch them run.
What did I tell you? To play with the big boys, you got to have the bigger pair.
And I'm not talking about cards.
Raise 300.
Joyce? What are you doing? I got a monster hand.
What? I like my cards.
All right.
Just know you brought this on yourself.
All in.
Call.
Aces full.
What do you got, honey? Guess I had the bigger pair.
What I've prepared for you today is a pan-seared bison medallion in a port wine reduction, paired with a brunoise of roasted vegetables and cured pork belly.
You are so going down.
Wow, it sure is pretty to look at.
Thank you.
You haven't said that to me since I made you Mickey Mouse pancakes.
And I'm glad you didn't make those.
You would've won, hands down.
And what are you serving today, Chef? Well, I hope that you brought your jacket.
Because it's about to get chili! Ah.
Wow, it's very, um it's brown.
Oh, thank you.
It was black till I added that bottle of ketchup.
Ah! Don't put ketchup on my medallions.
I won't.
We're out.
Mmm.
I was gonna make fun of you for making chili.
But I can't.
This is delicious! So, I win? No, well, no, no.
I mean it's not just about taste.
It's about presentation and creativity.
Son of a bitch, that's good! What what is that texture? Kettle corn.
Well what made you think of that? Some fell in.
I rolled with it.
Thank you for such a great day.
Are you kidding? I had a blast.
You know, I always forget how much I like you.
Yeah, you're pretty okay yourself.
We're good together.
Yeah, like buffalo meat and ketchup.
And apparently kettle corn.
You know, uh, one day, we won't be to have these quiet moments.
Ooh.
I know, the crazies are coming home on Sunday.
No, I mean, after we have a baby, you know? Today at the farmers' market, seeing all those little kids running around Oh, it scared the heck out of me.
I mean, parents just dumping their kids off at that creepy clown.
I'm sorry, but balloon animals should not have genitalia.
Well, we won't be those kinds of parents.
Nope, we are not.
In fact, after dinner, uh, what do you say we go upstairs and, uh, take another shot at making our own kid? Mike, it's not that easy.
Well, I know, uh, it'll happen when it happens.
But before it happens, something else has to happen.
No, I I mean, it's not easy 'cause I'm, I'm back on the pill.
What? Sin-since when? A couple months.
Why didn't you tell me? I meant to.
Molly, this isn't like denting the car.
This is a big deal.
I know, I I'm sorry.
I should've talked to you about it.
But you didn't.
Mike, I Ah, don't.
Can we just talk about this? It's a little late for that.
Enjoy your chili.
Hello? Hello Can we discuss this? Oh, we're discussing stuff now? 'Cause I thought we were doing whatever the hell we wanted.
With no regard for the other person.
I'm sorry, okay? I should've told you.
I just didn't want this to become a whole big thing.
Oh, you mean like it is now? Yes.
Exactly how long have you been hiding this from me? I went back on the pill when I went away for that writer's workshop.
So, you got on the pill just in time for the eight weeks away from your husband? Look, for the last two years, I have been choking down fistfuls of hormone pills and-and fertility supplements and drinking that weird Asian dung tea.
And I don't know I just felt crazy.
The ups, the downs I wanted it to stop.
And the pill regulates it, and lets me just concentrate on my writing.
Well, you've been back for months.
Why are you still on it? I don't know.
You don't know why you're still on the pill or you don't know if you want kids? I don't know.
You're not done yet? Hey, it's not my fault you busted out on the first hand.
Yes, it is you're the one that busted me.
Oh I'm sorry.
Play some slots.
Get a manicure.
You know, I didn't come here to be ignored all weekend.
You promised me a nice dinner.
Oh, don't worry, sugar.
I'll make it up to you.
Here.
Go buy yourself something sexy.
I want you all powdered and pretty for me when I get done plucking these chickens.
Well, you'll be done in time for the show tonight, right? You're killing me, baby.
Go! Fine.
Me and the other wives are gonna take a shuttle to the outlet mall.
Go for Joyce.
Mom? It's bad, it's, aw it's bad, it's so bad.
Calm down, Victoria.
No.
It's Molly.
Okay, calm down and tell me what Victoria did.
She didn't do anything.
I made the mess this time.
It was it was all me.
Mike is so mad.
I mean, I've never seen him like this.
Just tell me what happened.
Ma'am? No phones at the table.
Hey, give me a break.
My daughter's going through a real crisis here.
Ooh! Raise 300.
So tomorrow there's an embalmer's brunch - Mm-hmm.
- Followed by talks on "How to Build a Better Jaw," Hmm.
"Drainage Do's and Don'ts," and "Abra-Cadaver: When a Corpse Goes Missing.
" Mm.
Sounds like a full day of the dead.
Hey, maybe we could just stay in tonight, you know? I don't know about you, but after all that walking ooh, I got convention feet! You poor thing.
Why don't you order a bottle of champagne and I'll run us a bath? That sounds like a plan.
I'll pump up with some push-ups, and meet you in the tub.
Well, well, well.
Hey.
Look who decided to break the "don't call me all weekend" rule.
Although you were my next call after room service.
I got to talk to somebody.
What's going on? Carl, you know me.
There's only three things I ever wanted in my life.
Be a cop, get married and be a dad.
Yup, that's why I love you.
You're a simple man with simple needs who's simply adorable.
Carl, Molly doesn't want to have kids anymore.
Wait, what? Of course she does.
Then why'd she go back on the pill? Wow.
Yeah.
So, um, that's it? That's her final decision no-no kids? I guess.
I don't know.
I didn't ask.
I'm not really talking to her right now.
Why the hell not? I mean, talking to your wife is the only thing you should be doing.
Man, that's what relationships are about.
You know, listening, being there.
Not abandoning each other in your time of need.
Carl? I'm doing my naked dance.
Oop, got to run.
Hey.
Hey.
Just trying to put up Mom's drinking trellis or more accurately, drinking while putting up her drinking trellis.
Look, uh I want kids.
I've always wanted kids.
I've been very clear about that.
You have.
And-and you said you wanted kids.
With me.
And if that's changed, you got to tell me.
We tried to get pregnant for two years.
That's month after month of taking those stupid pregnancy tests.
And every time it came up negative.
I think I just got scared that I couldn't give you a baby, so I started telling myself I didn't want one.
Oh, honey.
At least, when I went back on birth control, it was you know, it wasn't my fault I couldn't get pregnant.
It was the it was the pill's.
Sweetie it's nobody's fault.
Okay? We're in this together.
Yeah, but what if we can't have a baby? I just need to know that you want to.
I really do.
Okay! Then-then we can figure out the rest.
I mean, there's lots of other ways.
There's adoption, there's abduction.
I mean, we could've totally snatched a kid from the farmers' market while those parents were busy sniffing peaches.
I'm sorry this weekend turned out to be such a mess.
It was supposed to be about us connecting.
You don't call this connecting? We just went from "on the rocks" to me loving you more than ever.
Okay, now that's the sweetest thing you've ever said to me.
I was kind of trying on that one.
It is looking good.
See? You were so worried when I ripped up those instructions.
But you got to admit, it got easier.
And a lot faster.
Especially when you started using the hammer as the only tool.
It's the ketchup of the toolbox.
Ooh, twinkly! Oh! This is nice.
You know, I can really see my mom getting drunk out here.
Well, at least that'll keep her out of the neighbor's gazebo.
So, if it really comes down to it, you're okay with adopting? Absolutely.
Look.
As long as I can teach a kid to field a grounder and throw the curve, I'm fine.
Oh, no, no, no.
I've seen you pitch.
I'll teach the curve.
It's like drawing a shade.
Well, since we are talking about the future, I think we should get everything out on the table.
Besides kids, someday, I want us to have our own house.
Oh, definitely.
Okay, two stories, big kitchen overlooking the backyard.
Yeah, that's perfect.
You can watch me floating on an inner tube in our above-ground pool.
"Above-ground"? Really? Well, if I'm dreaming.
God, I love you.
Of course! What's not to love? I don't mind the farmers' market, I make a mean chili and I can build the hell out of a gazebo.
Well, the bench is solid.
- I built the bench! - I know.